Sue Doe-Nim

In a Few Minutes

2008-11-03T17:22:00.000-08:00

They will all be here.

Mr. Nim, the kids, Granny and Doc, The Lawyer and his Wife, maybe some of her kids, who the hell knows.

They've invited themselves for dinner but are bringing sandwiches since my kitchen is filled with traif.

Pious motherfuckers.

It Would Have Been Rude to Say No

2008-11-02T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon my neighbor came over with two bundles wrapped in tin foil. "Pot Brownies!" he declared, and left them for Mr. Nim and I to enjoy.

Because I am a kind and gracious neighbor, I accepted the gift and called my friend The Pastor. (not even making that up) "Hey Pastor," I said, "Wanna get really high?"

17 minutes later I'm in her kitchen drinking hot tea and nibbling brownies.

25 minutes after that we aren't high so we polish them off.

2 hours later I'm sitting with three kids and Mr. Nim at uWink and I'm fairly certain I saw the entire cast and crew of Jackass dressed in short blonde wigs. It was complete and utter sensory overload coupled with the most hideous food-like substances known to mankind. I know that Mr. Nim was making fun of me and I was totally going to give him a bunch of lip but I couldn't make my lips move.

Not kidding. I tried to talk and nothing came out. A dream come true for any husband, no?

The neighbor stopped by this morning to ask if the brownies were good and I told him a little of the evening.

"Each brownie serves four people." And he just looked down at me shaking his head slowly and stroking his beard.

I relayed the information to Mr. Nim and it went like this, "blah blah brownies blah blah gift, blah, I hope it didn't ruin your evening, blah blah blah. Hey, It happens."

He pulled the car to the side of the road, "No. Actually, it doesn't."

Oh my.

Overheard: Wherein Granny Doe Proves She's A Neanderthal

2008-10-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

Today on the phone:

ME: Oh Mom, the meetings went so well today and I just know that this is happening all around me. They used the O word and everything.

GRANNY DOE: O word?

ME: Option! There are two companies wanting to option the show and I'm so tired right now my bones ache.

GRANNY DOE: What are you going to do if they want you to work.

ME: Huh?

GRANNY DOE: Mr. Nim isn't going to let you do this if it interferes with the kids. You know that.

ME: Well, there is a magic number, and when we get to that then we have a discussion about how much time each of us has.

GRANNY DOE: Mr. Nim won't let you abandon those kids. They're your job*.

To be clear, Granny Doe did spend 28 short years in the workforce and she's never asked anyone's permission for anything.

As usual, I have a few tricks up my sleeveless cocktail gown. You may recall Doc Doe has retired. You may have noticed the stock market has crashed. For $10 an hour methinks I could get the old guy to pick those kids up from school and tidy up a little 'round the old homestead.

*Granny Doe is right

Television

2008-10-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

This week I've done two radio shows and I have two pitch meetings scheduled with networks.

I have an agent and sense of superiority.

Next week there are 6 more meetings and I'm wondering how I'll shave my legs that many days all in a row.

You really must be careful when you wish.

Exhaustion

2008-10-19T21:48:00.000-07:00

I told him this weekend that his access to my children was limited to my convenience and he was never again to be alone with them.

I told him he was a bully and that Adam was off limits. I reminded him that I would choose my children over him yesterday, today and tomorrow. I wasn't hateful, hysterical or cruel, though I wanted to be. I was resolute and calm; I think I scared him because he didn't try and lawyer me. He didn't try to deny it.

We saw each other at the tennis club and never spoke nor made eye contact. It's an untenable situation and I'm sad to report that the most likely resolution will be him being cut from our lives more permanently.

It was a horrible decision on his part to fuck with my kid.

What sort of mother would I be if I offered him up again?

On Hiatus

2008-09-26T12:05:00.001-07:00

My TV show has been optioned.

I'm busy y'all.

Friday Confession: I'm Provocative

2008-09-26T08:40:00.001-07:00

In and around the web my voice resonates because I'm willing to say what no one else will.

Sometimes I stretch it. This is entertainment, after all.

6 Hours of Scrubbing

2008-09-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

Of window washing.

It involved ladders and soap, furniture moving and a few tears. Screens were suds-up and a good time was had by all.

Mr. Nim walked in the front door, looked around a little and said, "Red Tide?"

We've been married too long.

Denial Anger Resignation Acceptance

2008-09-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

I lost two this August.

It's really quite remarkable in it's awfulness. We lost two, my family and I.

There's a website for one of them and it it's borne of fear. I ignores her motherhood and tries to show people that the business will be okay.

It's disrespectful.

A life worth living, the life she lived, had less to do with her business and more to do with her daughter.

So I'm angry, and sad for them all in the most horrible of ways. I pity them.

Friday Confession

2008-09-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

If you drive a Hummer it's unlikely that I'll allow you to merge into traffic.

Your Kid Doesn't Have ADD: You Just Suck

2008-09-18T20:58:00.000-07:00

Today Eve had her first and last playdate at the artists house. Why? Oh heavens, where do I begin? With a list, yes, I love a good list.

We do not eat peanut butter with our fingers
We do not eat peanut butter in bed
We do not try to get our homework done, we do our fucking homework
Webkinz is not part of a playdate. Ever.
It is not a democracy
Living in moving boxes after 4 years doesn't make you bohemian, it makes you a pig
When my husband called at 6 and I was at their house he was alarmed that I hadn't begun dinner. The Artist was alarmed that dinner was scheduled.

Eve wasn't happy. She wants to play with the kid again but she wants to do it at house, "I like our rules." She said.

And I smiled.

The Artist suggested that her daughter might have an ADD issue, she doesn't pay attention well in class, she said to me.

That's funny, because I was at the house for 45 minutes and she never once looked up from the computer. It's not a disorder.

It's a life of dis order.

Room Parent

2008-09-15T14:20:00.000-07:00

In today's Room ~~Parent~~ Mom meeting I was told how to send an email.

The other 35 pages of the Room ~~Parent~~ Mom handbook had less informative data. I was instructed to collect between $30 and $40 per family to cover the cost of room parties. I can see where this might not be included in the Seventeen Thousand Dollar tuition.

I sat, I smiled, I played games on my iPhone.

I realize, once again, that women are fucking idiots and their feminst agenda only proves it.

You see, not one father volunteered, why? Because they realize their time has value.

Quick Hit

2008-09-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last night Mr. Nim had an upsetting dream.

Apparently I was living with my boyfriend John McCain in a studio apartment and Mr. Nim was the third wheel.

Also, John Mc Cain and I were getting stoned together. A lot.

Yes, we are aware marital counseling exists.

Mr. Nim, You're Not Reading The Blog?

2008-09-10T14:00:00.001-07:00

WTF? Clearly you didn't read.

How are we supposed to communicate now?

I'm an asshole, it's been well established

2008-09-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

I keep refreshing the soccer stats page. I like seeing the girls' team in first place. By a lot.

Yes, I realize they are 8 and 9 year old girls.
Yes, I realize this qualifies me as a complete and utter asshat.
I know that y'all say winning isn't everything.
Y'all are stoopid. Because winning is everything. It's a fucking competition.

But I'm cool with that.

Cuz, ya know I'm a great coach.

Hey Lady

2008-09-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

You're the only one who loves your children. The rest of us will like them just as soon as you get around to teaching the little shits some manners.

Get on it, otherwise get used to the sound of opportunity walking away.

Friday Confession *With a twist

2008-09-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I look at your children I feel sorry for them.*

Because they'll never be as attractive as mine.

*I strongly suspect any mother could write this post.

Right Now

2008-09-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

Granny and Doc Doe are at a Buddhist temple meditating with their long lost hippie friend Alice.

I sure hope no one farts, cuz those two will crack up.

Passive Aggressive Notes to my Husband

2008-09-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

I love that you are so helpful in every aspect of our lives together.
I feel the need to note that this does not qualify as helpful.

Suicide

2008-09-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

I know a man who killed himself.

He decided to beat AIDS to the punch. He did it on his own but many of us knew he would. We visited but did not help.

No one ever touched his drugs because that would have been assisted suicide.

Someone I know is thinking of it. Someone who is dying and might want to do it on their own terms.

It's important you do it independently.
You can't let the people you leave behind be punished.
It doesn't make you a coward and I'm certain you'll still have a spot in heaven.

I saw it.
It wasn't scary.
It was a very long time ago.

More Detail Later

2008-09-01T22:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday I ran down the sidewalk screaming at Mr. Nim, "Fuck you, asshole! Our son is praying to Jesus right now and it's all your fucking fault."

Because that scares the shit outta both of us.

Luckily Adam was safe and sound on his way to his ~~irreverent~~ home. The neighbors haven't spoken to me since.

Funerals

2008-09-01T21:28:00.000-07:00

There won't be a funeral, yet there's a 7 year old child with no mother.

Please, don't tell me to "judge not lest ye be judged". I'm Jewish, that's not from one of my books, and frankly y'all have judged me already. I need to judge.

How else would I not walk into a pile of steaming shit?

I'm incredibly depressed.

Remember Mike's Daughter?

2008-08-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

Remember her? She's less reserved and become an important friend for Eve.

Unfortunately today I found out that a friend and mother died in a motorcycle accident. I tried really hard not to cry, but I failed. Mike's Daughter was with us and I really didn't feel like talking about the 7 year old girl who just lost her mother.

Cuz. Well. It's just too fucking much.

I wasn't all that surprised when she threw up all over my bathroom. I know she could've been sick to her stomach, she might've had a flu bug.

I suspect that the sadness of the mother of a 7 year old dying was just unbearable.

I'm so not okay with having two deaths this August. I'm not sure when I'm going to sit down and shake and cry. I'm pretty sure it'll be soon. I'm even surer that the first day of school will be horrible with one mother missing.

Emergency Medicine and Labias

2008-08-29T06:30:00.000-07:00

Like so many other bloggers I like to see how ya'll find me.

First off, I'll wave hello to the lovelies at AAYSR who Fucking Love Me, in fact, I do believe the word was radtastic. In any event, if you love blogs you'll love Ask And Ye Shall Receive. Go on over there and send them some lovin'.

Then there are the searches. Apparently I'm way up top of you're on Yahoo and looking for a giant labia. I don't profess to own a giant one, but hey, welcome pervs! A hit's a hit. Right?

Some of these make an awful lot of sense.

8 I hate feminists. Uh, yeah, okay, but only the stoopid ones.

8 Deborah Tagliareni, yeah baby, some of my finest work.

6 Dana Mire, oh fer fuck's sake, Broward County Schools spent 6 hours here on my site when they were s'posed to be edumacating young 'uns. Colossal fucking failure all around, google yourself on your own time.

4 Giant Labias, I think we already waved hello to Uncle Fester...

There are a few more, and then there's this: my baby was given a spinal tap without medicine

So, to the parent in Camas Washington.

Me too.

It was 7 years ago, and it still makes me cry.

I'm sorry.

Boo. Fucking. Hoo. I. Can't. See. I'm. Blind.

2008-08-28T08:57:00.000-07:00

Are you fucking kidding me?

$6,000,000 because you can't buy your butt logo skank shorts online?

I get that you're blind and that life is more difficult. Motherfucker, I'm not the hot chick, my life is more difficult so (like Diane Keaton) I had to develop a personality. Maybe I'll sue Jaye over at Intuition for not having enough clothes for middle aged soccer moms who don't do enough crunches.

Now I have to go and add blind people to the list of groups I detest. You really made Target pay you $6 million because you can't shop online?

I can't shop online with Target either, you want to know why? Because their site sucks and so do their products. Target is where you go when you need a bouncy seat for a kid that can't walk and won't shut the fuck up. It's not like you decide you need one of those and then wait for 8 days to have it shipped.

First kill all the lawyers.