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If anything the last month, has taught me to dream big and believe in your dreams.

Dreaming big means having the courage to breathe life into your dreams and still picking ourselves up after we have failed. Failure is definitely a stepping-stone in achieving a dream. Most of us are afraid of the unknown but if we don’t try we will never know. Robin Sharma says:  Fail a lot cause we learn a lot, such truth in those words. I have certainly had a few failures but this has made me up my game and change my game plan.

I have learnt some valuable lessons this month about life, dreams, relationships and hard work. And this had made me want to dream even bigger. Not every one will share in your dreams, support your dreams or be proud of your dreams BUT the only person who matters is YOU. Life has a funny way of sending people in your path most of them are there to teach you lessons and there are a select few who are there to hold your hand while you DREAM BIG.I must admit have both types in my life lucky me, the ones that hold my dreams in their hearts are the most amazing people God has sent into my life.

Life has taught me over the years to surround yourself with those who are positive, love you, and those who will be there through the rainbows and the storms. All of these are so needed when one is DREAMING BIG.

I know in my heart my BIG DREAM has just started, I feel the butterflies in my tummy, the late nights of working two jobs and in the end I know it will all be worth it. This BIG DREAM feels like a new love consuming my time and thoughts, I find myself doodling at times. It feels as if DREAM BIG is dying to get out and explode, I often find myself stopping and saying WOW is this really happening. And then it all makes sense my BIG DREAM is on its way to become a BIG reality.

So my fellow Dreamers. This is just the beginning of the DREAM, LIVE THE DREAM, and BREATH THE DREAM.

A 30 something South African Indian woman living, laughing, loving and trying to find her way back after a long stint abroad. A million stories a million laughs to share from a journey where I have been blessed to meet some really amazing humans. A domestic goddess with a love of food, books, travelling, cocktails and the colour pink.  Welcome to my world sit back and enjoy my adventures

Twitter : @verushka143

Blog: http://www.spicegoddess.wordpress.com and

http://www.themagnifyingglass.co.za/

Email: [email protected]

Dear Verushka

I just love this post, You know of all people that I am surely a dreamer of note. Thanks for the reminder. I appreciate having you on the blog again. You are such a sweet lady with a beautiful heart. It was a pleasure meeting you a few weeks ago

Love and light

Sincerely Sue  

The post Dream Big by Verushka Ramasami appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

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Fourth baby

Pregnant! I went to work feeling a bit tired that morning and I knew my period was late but I really didn’t think the test would be positive. I waited all of 60 seconds and a faint pink line appeared. I was all alone in the bathroom and I started crying immediately. Very loud tears of joy! I called Francois and he must’ve felt the same emotions as I did because I could “hear” the huge smile on his face. And this just feels different. We are going to have this baby. The best doctors and medication, no matter what it costs. Excited! Everyone admits to just feeling differently; we are going to have this baby. This is it and nothing is going to go wrong. My baby sister is pregnant with her third – I know, God sends us life boats, however small they may be.

Almost out of the danger zone

My 11th week appointment! Baby was still fine at that point because I needed to see my doctor every week since my pregnancy was classified as “high risk”. 11 weeks was the longest I had ever been pregnant so I had officially surpassed the point at which I normally miscarry. One more week to go and then we can start preparing our home and our lives for our little one. I just wanted to get out there and buy all the cute baby things that I see in the shops. There was so much excitement for this child, would’ve been a very lucky baby.

We spent the day with my eldest sister and her husband and decide to stay over. I took my meds, naps and relaxed mostly because the next day was our 12 week appointment! Things were going so good that it seemed quite impossible for anything to go wrong. And I mean, come on! That was our fourth pregnancy so obviously it was going to happen.

No, No, No: Not again!!

I got to the hospital and I sat waiting for the doctor to get ready for my scan and check-up. I felt odd but I didn’t pay much attention to it. Probably the hormones. I loved the symptoms, even the morning sickness. It was a sure sign that I was pregnant and I needed all the reassurance I could get. The doctor was all ready and conducted the internal scan. I saw the baby on the monitor!! I knew it’s a boy, I could just feel it. I tried sitting up straight thinking, “Where’s the flashy shadow?” The doctor was concentrating hard on the monitor but said nothing. “Why is she taking so long?” I couldn’t contain myself anymore and I asked the dreaded question: “Where’s the heartbeat doctor?” and she turned to face me and she looked like she’d just ran a marathon and she finally crossed the finished line, and she’s tired and out of breath. “I am so sorry Liezel, there’s no heartbeat. Looks like baby died just 3 days ago”. The horror! I just said no. No, no no! I let out a loud sob and the doctor left me alone to get dressed and collect myself before I had to leave the hospital. I first sat a while trying to think of how to tell my husband. There is no easy way. In my head, I started a conversation with God and I was so Angry! “Oh Lord, I know that the man loves me and You love me, so why are You doing this to us? Did we not prove over and over that we are going to be the best parents? The child will be Yours and he or she will know you I promise so why are You doing this?”

I decided there and then that my life will have to move on and quickly at that because being pregnant is not for me. Miscarriages are not for me. I don’t want to be pregnant ever again. The pain on my face was nothing compared to what I felt inside. All I wanted was to give my little ones a proper burial but the hospital always just tossed them into the bin! I am aware of what they try to avoid but that was a soul, a little child who would’ve been the apple of my eye. I told myself that I would not go to the hospital again. I wanted to have my baby at home.

I walked all the way to work, with my dead baby of 11 weeks inside my womb. I got there and my colleague immediately knew that something was wrong. She held me close while I sobbed like a baby. I called Francois and he came to get me from work. We went home, held each other and drifted off into a deep sleep. That afternoon we slept as if we hadn’t slept in days

Pain leads to seeing my little miracle

I opted for the abortion pills so that I wouldn’t need to go through that horrible procedure again. I got the pills and decided when I would take it. The women in our family arrived that morning to help me get through the day. I made a conscious decision to do it while Francois was at work and it was a good decision too. I took the pills as prescribed and the cramping started like clockwork. Pretty soon I was vomiting and couldn’t walk up straight – the usual. I knew what to expect and I felt physically ready for it. My sister in law never left my side. She ran a warm bath for me and after only three and a half hours of labour pain, I felt the baby coming down. I held my hand between my legs and out came the tiniest baby I’ve ever seen! I’ve seen the pictures of what a 3 month old foetus looks like in the womb on the internet and in books, but I would never have thought that I would actually see it with my own eyes. Eleven weeks and four days old exactly!

I could see every inch of him; eyes, ears, ten fingers and ten toes. Not fully developed of course but a clear indication that this baby would’ve grown and matured normally if his heart had not stopped beating. I could even see his organs through he’s thin, shiny under developed skin. It was beyond amazing and so very sad for me. My baby had the potential to grow and to live but he’s life was cut short. I knew that Francois would not want to see what I saw and I am glad for that. I don’t know where I find the strength everyday but the images are still fresh in my mind and it’s as if my heart is trying to hold on to my baby. I don’t want to let go just yet.

Thankful for meeting my son Matthew

I cried. I screamed as I held him in my hand. Once again the Lord answered my prayers so that I could see my baby, and this time I got the opportunity to hold him. How lucky am I?! I prayed for that too and it was worth it. My family members who were there could not believe what they were experiencing. None of them had ever witnessed a situation like this but it brought us all closer together while we cried and hugged each other for comfort after seeing Matthew. Matthew was the name Francois had chosen for our fourth child.

I pushed out the afterbirth 15 minutes later, took a bath and ate something because the vomiting exhausted and dehydrated me once again. We placed Matthew inside a glass so that we could all get a closer look; he would’ve been without a doubt a beautiful baby, inside and out.

Goodbye my Angel number 4

I called Francois and he asked me to name the baby Matthew and to place him in one of he’s new hanky’s and to bury him in our backyard. After a about 2 hours of keeping Matthew inside the glass, his little body started to fall apart and dissolve. The thin skin covering his organs started tearing and I knew that it was time to bury him and to say goodbye to him for the last time. My sister in-law dug a deep whole with her hands, cleaned it out of stones and grass and placed him inside and piled sand on top of him. I was crying inside and I wanted to hold him again, just one last time. I wanted to tell him that he’s mother and father will always love and remember him even though he lived only a short time. But I stood there, no tears, just a sadness hung around me like a dark cloud. I just wanted to go to sleep and dream. It was the only place where I knew that I would see my mother and my babies again.

I sat in my room and I did a lot of thinking after that. Is this is why God always chose for my sister and I to be pregnant with me? So that I could give to her child what I would’ve given my own and also have some sort of comfort that only a little baby could bring after losing my own? Whatever the reason, I still don’t know. I just trust that there is a very good one. My nieces and nephews; when they were born, were like life lines for me.  They make Francois and I so happy. They helped heal our broken hearts every day. They just soak up all the love, the hugs and the kisses we were saving for our babies.

Dealing with the reality of my miscarriages

My heart is still broken today, but it doesn’t hurt so badly anymore. I have made peace with it and I have made a decision to move on. It’s been difficult and a miscarriage leaves something with you, a fear that is not easily forgotten. I know people will always be there for me and sympathise with what I went through as a mother but I know that I am healed. Because today I can live, I can laugh and cry, and I can tell you my story. Miscarriage is just about as sad as losing a child that you have nursed, sent to school, or walked down the aisle. The pain never leaves you and every day of my life I wonder what it would’ve been like to have our four children with us. Your thoughts will always take you to “what could’ve been”. It’s a sad place to go but it has helped me a lot; it has given me hope, hope that I thought was lost forever.

They would’ve been in primary school now, with little Matthew still at home with me or at creche. I think of how much their cousins would’ve loved them and how much loving time Francois and I would’ve spent preparing them for the rest of their lives. But now all I have are my dreams where they still roam, where I still get to hold them and talk to them. I am a Mother because of them and I will always be grateful for the angels we were blessed with. God had bigger plans for them than we had, and perhaps bigger than they had for themselves, and that will always be my greatest comfort.

 My life as a mother to 4 Angels

Now I am 30 years old. After 11 years we are ok, still wearing the scars, but we are okay. The miscarriages don’t wage war in my mind as often anymore even though I know that it could happen again. Time is the enemy now. The longer we wait, the more our chances to have a child of our own will drop. I have heard so many stories of multiple miscarriages and those women all have healthy children, even after suffering more than 10 miscarriages! So you see, there is still hope! We are just waiting for the Lord now; He will decide when the time is right. We trust that He will bless us with children, to love them, to take care of them and to raise them for his kingdom. People normally tell about their experiences after they have received their happy ending but I am living my happy ending right now. With the man that God has chosen for me. My very best friend and the one who keeps me safely at his side; right where God wants me to be. The 10 children our sisters and brothers have between them who keep us just as busy as our own children would’ve kept us. We have such special bonds with them and they definitely make our crosses a little easier to carry. Because children are blessings.

My message to women going through the challenges to have children

I want to tell you this:

Never give up. If God performed miracles ages ago in the bible, and He remains unchanged, surely He can perform miracles today! Trust, Faith, and Believe. Even if it never happens for us, we are the proud parents of FOUR beautiful angels and one day, we will meet them again.

Thank you to all you lovely ladies for reading my story. I hope that it brings you the Comfort of knowing that you are not alone in this and the Hope that nothing is over until God says it is!

Ps. This is the end of my story, Tomorrow I am doing a special thank you to my friends and family on Sue’s blog. If you want to leave a comment on the blog, Please go ahead. I know that I am not alone in this battle. You are not alone if you are a mom of angels. I believe that God will give us our baby one day.

Sincerely

L Adams Emkie

(Proud Mom of four beautiful angels who safely rests in the hands of our majestic God)

I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am  married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I  love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.

I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.

Dear Leizel

I think the hardest part of editing your story was that I was reliving every word with you. With tears in my eyes I want to say that I am SO happy that you met Matthew. Reading that part brought on the water works because I have friends who are in the same boat as you. My dear friends have lost children, some are enduring a difficult time to have a child and they are trying to keep their marriage strong because the pain is so much to handle. I feel it with them because I know as a mother myself, when you find out about your pregnancy, your life with that “Baby” flashes before your eyes in minutes, so having to deal with losing them is the hardest part.

My prayer for you and all women reading this is that God will bless you with the children you dream of, and may he bless you even more for contributing to heavens angels if you have lost a child. May your pain be soften with hope, may your tears be dried up with the thought that Joy comes in the morning and that we believe in one true God that is a God of miracles.

Thank You for sharing your story with us. Thank You for talking about something so many women aren’t strong enough to talk about.

Sincerely, A very hopeful  Sue

The post Mother Of Angels: Part 4 appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

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Our third baby

Pregnant again. I wasn’t looking forward to all the fussing but everyone was worried. I was worried. “What if the same thing happens to this baby?” I tried my best to be positive. I opted for baby books and a journal as I always felt better jotting things down. My mind set was scarred so badly that I subconsciously expected another miscarriage.

Despite my negative thoughts, I still had very happy thoughts. Thoughts that would take away the past pain and I would be peaceful…for that few minutes. I would imagine myself nine months pregnant and in labour; Francois is there in scrubs and he’s smiling broadly waiting to catch everything on tape. That moment, when it does happen one day, it will be one of my best memories. I regularly think of my babies; one day she/he looks like Francois, and the next day like me! And I love this baby so much. I haven’t met him/her yet, but I know exactly how I will feel and what I will do to keep that baby safe, loved and very happy. In my heart, I have always been a mother.

Third baby kept me on my toes like you’ll never believe.

I was so nervous! I didn’t want to take any chances. I just want to be at home. I was so afraid of putting my baby’s life at risk.

No, Not again!!

The pregnancy was progressing well after two months, but then I started spotting again. I prepared myself for the worst. And it happened. I lost the baby only 5 weeks after finding out about the pregnancy. I felt lost, almost numb, but I carried on. Besides, it’s not like I didn’t know what to expect. It’s going to be painful and then it will be over. And it was. I can’t even remember much of the details of the third miscarriage. I blocked it out so far because that was the pregnancy that was supposed to materialize right? Third time lucky everyone said… But It was so false, I had to say goodbye to Angel number 3.

The painful struggle forward

Francois and I struggled on our own after that, it was just too hard to speak about. Everyone wanted us to go for counseling. “Losing a child can make or break a marriage.” And the questions people asked us! It turned my sadness into anger and that is the worst state to be in while battling with grief. Why? How did this happen? What’s the cause? Is there something wrong with you? People mean well I do realize this, but read those questions again right now. And? Not very sensitive are they? No, I don’t know why it happened, if I did, I could tell the doctor and solve a lot of mysteries for myself and a lot of other women.

If I knew what caused it, I would’ve eliminated it from my life back then already so that it never happens again. If I knew what was wrong with me, I would’ve fixed it in a heartbeat. Most miscarriages are unexplained. Not even tests can give 80% of the women suffering from multiple miscarriages the answers they need. All we need is that strong shoulder to cry on, nothing else. Francois and I were so young back then, the last thing we wanted to do was leave each other. It would’ve made the pain of losing 3 children much worse if we had tried to grieve on our own.

When I look back now, our bond was stronger than I could’ve ever imagined. We married for love but no couple ever thinks about having to go through this while exchanging vows, and it shouldn’t be like that.

 End of part 3. Lookout for part 4 tomorrow

I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am  married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I  love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.

I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.

The post Mother of Angels: Part 3 appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

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Our second baby

Living with in-laws, not easy in any situation. We were married for 1 year by then and I discovered that I was pregnant again! My baby sister is pregnant again too so our second journey began and I was hoping and praying that this time I could carry to term with her. The same indescribable emotions were back but this time, we would be ready for this baby. We were cautious but relaxed from what other women told me, “You had one miscarriage so this pregnancy will be fine”. I booked at a baby clinic and I started showing almost immediately. Francois was amazing. He took such good care of me. The love of my life and I were finally going to have our little baby.

The 12 week mark

I was resting in our room at 5:30 waiting for Francois to get home so that we could leave for my check-up. I had picked up quite a few extra kilos but I was feeling amazing and that day was the 12 week mark so the danger period would finally be history! We waited so long for that day…

I noticed a little spotting but I didn’t tell Francois because I didn’t want to upset him or myself. Denial is like a pill and we take it whenever we try to protect ourselves against the worst. When we got to the clinic the nurse referred me to another gynecologist. We got there finally and the doctor did his inspections and prodding then called for my husband in the waiting room. I instantly knew that bad news was about to break because he wanted to see my husband as well. I thought to myself, “I would like to go home thank you and besides, the spotting has stopped already and I feel fine”. Running for the hills is what I wanted to do.  Anything to have skipped that conversation, but I was frozen in my seat and I couldn’t feel my legs.

Francois came to sit next to me and took my hand in his. The doctor smiles at us then he’s smile fades as he began to tell us that there was no heartbeat detected on the ultra sound.

“I am afraid that the baby has died at 7 weeks already. I am very sorry for your loss, for both of you”.

My trance-like state persists as Francois leans in to hug me and it’s all I need but I can’t help for my tears. It just starts flowing and I can’t stop them. Francois’ eyes are burning with tears but he wants to be strong for me, I can see it. Why is this happening to us? What did we do wrong? Why another baby? I want my baby back! Please Lord; give my baby back to me!

We left the doctor’s surgery in silence. I was straight faced and Francois looked at me while he drove us home and tried his best to make me feel better, “It’s going to be okay babes. Don’t worry. We’ll try again and we’ll see a doctor every week if we must. Don’t be sad, I love you no matter what happens”. My biggest fear next to miscarrying was my husband blaming me and telling me that he doesn’t love me anymore because my body is not strong enough to give him a child. I was immediately thankful that this was not the case and it made the whole ordeal easier knowing that he loved me, doesn’t matter what happens.

After we got home, he explained to his family what happened at the doctor’s office. Everyone was shocked and wanted to know why it happened but I walked straight to our room ignoring everyone. I didn’t have the strength to relive the conversation that we had with the doctor. Francois came to sit with me on the bed and he started crying. We climbed into bed and we just held each other. It’s not over yet. The lifeless baby still had to be removed from my womb.  And I asked myself: More pain? How are they going to get my baby out? Can I see him/her since I didn’t start bleeding yet? Baby should be in tact still…please God, make it so that I can see the baby this time so that I can say goodbye.

Reliving the horror of pain

The next day I had to go back to the hospital and the doctor prescribed pills that would make my womb contract and open; in plain English, he prescribed abortion pills. I was shocked that that was the only way to get the baby out. I felt like the baby would know that this is what I did to him/her, even if they were no longer alive and I instantly felt guilty. “Drink one 10pm and then the other 10am the next day.” Ok, I have to do this”. I didn’t feel right carrying our dead baby around so I decided the sooner the better. I wanted to cry thinking of all the women who were getting ready to take this pill, just like me, but in very different circumstances. God help them I thought and forced myself to swallow and get it over with.

After I took the 10am pill I started bleeding. It was not like the natural miscarriage I had a year before. It felt like someone was inside me slashing everything in it with garden scissors. The pain was unimaginable. The blood exploded out of me while I stood brushing my teeth. Francois got me into the car and by the time we got to the hospital, there was a pool of blood on the seat. The blood wasn’t flowing; it was pouring fast out of me. I felt like I was on the brink of death.

Once on the stretcher I realized that I was in labour again. My womb was open and everything was being ejected in the most destructive fashion. I threw up because of blood loss and because I hadn’t eaten since the previous afternoon, so it was a watery fluid just coming out of my stomach. They had to get me on a drip because of this and it took forever to find a vein. Eventually I knew that my left hand would be blue after this was all over. Francois stood looking helpless and I screamed as the pain wracked my body over and over again. The male doctors came in and spread my legs to check how far the abortion was and I threw up every time one of them touched me. I grew very pale and I was ready to pass out of the pain. The wards around me were filled with women giving birth and I could hear babies crying. I closed my eyes tight and wished that it was my baby crying.

A sharp pain gripped my stomach and I screamed and I then felt something soft and warm pass through my feminine parts, I knew it was my baby. I asked the nurse to show me but she ignored me and tossed the baby into the waste bin before I could get a better look. But I did see, just a glimpse though. Exactly what I had prayed for; Thank you Lord.

The afterbirth came out shortly after that and the pain ceased. I was so very tired and extremely thirsty. They wheeled me into the theatre while Francois held my hand. The D&C procedure lasted 5 minutes and Francois wasn’t allowed to be there. It was by far the worst pain I have ever felt. There was no anesthesia for me and I screamed and cried for my mother. That was the longest 5 minutes of my life and by far the most painful.

Goodbye Angel number 2

Afterward I felt much better, but very sore and extremely exhausted. I needed a full 2 weeks of bed rest after the whole ordeal so Francois cleaned me up and took me home. He helped me bath and put me in bed and gave me something to eat. I was already feeling better, physically that is. But emotionally I felt like going to sleep and never waking up again. Why God? Why did you choose for us to go through this again? Why not the people who don’t want their babies? They will be glad to miscarry so why did you choose us? I know not to question God, but right at that moment I just didn’t care.

I wanted answers. I needed answers. Time does not heal all as they say; it only makes it bearable. I now am a mother to two angels, but it hurts so much.

 End of Part 2. Part 3 will be published tomorrow

I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am  married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I  love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.

I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.

The post Mother Of Angels: Part 2 appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

– Robert N. Munsch

My name is Liezel Adams Emkie. I would like to share my experiences with you hoping that it will strengthen you, a family member or friend who has suffered the loss of a child. My husband and I suffered our first miscarriage in 2004. I would like to share with you my memories; the good and the bad and how it has made me the strong woman I am today.

Our first baby

When I was 20 years old we lost our mother to severe asthma. It was the most difficult time for our family as she was a very special woman and was always there for her family and friends.  I think my undeniable desire to take care of others comes from her. I was dating my now husband for just over a year when she fell ill and passed away. Francois and my mother only knew each other for one year but it was just enough time for them to forge an unbreakable bond that was admirable to the rest of us. She loved him as though he were her very own son.

I learned that I was pregnant just before my 21^st birthday. I was very happy and Francois (My Husband) and I were very much in love and extremely excited for our baby. My baby sister was also pregnant at the time with her first, just one month ahead of me and in a very bad place still mourning our mother. We were excited to be pregnant together but sad also that our children would miss out on what would’ve been the best granny in the world.

The early signs

At two and half months I started bleeding slightly at work and went to the doctor immediately and he referred me to a hospital. I was young, inexperienced and I didn’t understand what was happening to me. The ladies at work told me that it was normal for women to spot in the first trimester and others said that I was probably going to have a “bleeding pregnancy”. I just took everyone’s advice. “Elevate your feet” they said, “don’t walk around too much” etc. But to me, I was in a dream and I was watching myself. I was scared for my baby and I didn’t know what to expect. It never dawned on me that these things could happen, and to me of all people. I didn’t know if I was strong enough for what lay ahead.

I started bleeding like a light period with slight cramping by the time I arrived at the hospital and huge blood clots were coming out of me and I kept wondering if that was my baby’s body parts. The nurses and doctors were tight lipped about everything and I didn’t know what kind of questions to ask. I was all alone.  I didn’t know why they didn’t tell me what was happening; I didn’t know if it was too much of a bother for them to explain to a 21 year old that she was busy having a miscarriage but they treated me kindly enough so I can’t really say why they kept me in the dark.

The nurses wanted me to take my clothes off and wear one of those night gowns for the patients. “We will take good care of your shiny boots and jacket”, they said grinning from ear to ear. They later said that I would be just fine and that I could go home if I wanted to. “The bleeding will stop eventually”, the pretty female doctor said.

I was so happy that I could go home. I was reminded of seeing my mother just after she passed lying still in her hospital bed. That image has never left my mind.

More cramping into the dark night

I got home after midnight that night and Francois and my father were asleep, but not for long. The cramping started and worsened every few minutes and blood was flowing fiercely out of me. The floor in the bathroom was covered by 01:30am. My father looked on helplessly and continued mopping up blood while Francois kept passing me sanitary towels and massaging my lower back. I was fully in labour but I had absolutely no idea! As a woman, I was completely alone without advice or someone to help me understand what was happening to me. Everything in my womb was being ejected. I didn’t have a painkiller or anything else to make the pain bearable but then again, I didn’t even know that a painkiller would not have worked at all. Francois spent the next four hours massaging my back and stomach while I wailed and cried for the pain to stop. But it carried on until 6 am that morning. A huge slug of blood came out of me and then the cramping stopped. The doctor later told me that it was the afterbirth.

I instantly felt better and so relieved. I cleaned up the place while Francois and my father got ready for work despite having not slept at all and I decided to go back to the hospital to tell them what happened and to ask what would happen next. My aunt drove me and I was in and out within 30 minutes. What they told me was such a shock and I believed them because they are the doctors after all. They did a scan and told me that my baby was fine and the bleeding is just a sign that the pregnancy was disrupted but as long as the pain was gone, both of us should be fine.

I was so happy! But I couldn’t stop asking myself that if I bled so much and endured all of that pain for more than 12 hours, how is it that my baby is unscathed? I forced myself to shrug it off because I so badly wanted the pregnancy to continue, so I remained in denial.

False Hope

A month and a half passed and I went back to the hospital and they confirmed that I was now 4 months pregnant! I had a mother’s blessing done with our Evangelist and Francois and I started speaking of marriage and all the wonderful things that come with having a baby. However, I am a woman, we are born with intuition. I didn’t trust the hospital or the doctors because I just knew something did not make sense. I begged Francois to come with me for a second opinion. He was so patient but very fragile when it came to he’s unborn child but I needed him to be with me because I knew something was not right. He couldn’t be with me that day but I still went regardless and I just tried to stay positive. How I wish that I was wrong…

My worst nightmare

The doctor did an ultra sound, sent me to the loo and asked me to come straight back. He sat me down on the bed and his face just fell. A tear rolled down he’s cheek and then he began to tell me that my womb had bled completely clean 2 months before, and that I miscarried the night that I was in so much pain and bleeding so badly. I froze. This man started crying and I still had the smile on my face. I just stared at him at first trying to absorb what he just told me. “How can my baby be gone if the hospital said that we were fine?” I became so confused and light headed at that point. I tried getting off the bed but I couldn’t see the ground. I felt dizzy, and it felt like my mother was dying all over again. The huge doctor took my arm and gave me the hug I so desperately needed at that moment. All I could think of was getting home. I needed to see Francois. I couldn’t tell him this over the telephone. I didn’t know what he would do? “Will he blame me? Will he leave?” I remember becoming so tired but slowly I walked all the way home. I called my job and told them that I wouldn’t be in for the rest of that week and then I just stretched out on my mother’s favourite couch. And I began to cry. Cried for my mother, for Francois, and for my baby that left me so long ago and I didn’t even know. I couldn’t even say goodbye.

I fell asleep eventually and Francois and my father came home from work and found me on the couch just staring into space. We got ready for church and I told them what the doctor told me. Francois was so sad. I did everything I could to make the blow softer for him but he took it much worse than I anticipated. He cried so much that I later became irritated with him. I just wanted to forget about everything and seeing him so depressed made it worse for me and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking about this. And I vowed never to cry again. I never cried for the baby after that. I comforted Francois as best I could, but I had cried all the tears I had that day, for our first baby. I will always remember the joy and the excitement that pregnancy brought to our lives in that short time and that baby is and will always be our first born.

(This is a 4 Part series, Stay tuned for part 2 and see what Mothers of angels have to endure when losing their babies)

About Leizel Adams Emkie

I am Liezel Adams Emkie, a 30 year old Executive PA at a Property Firm. I am  married to the love of my life Francois Xavier Emkie for 8 years. In my spare time I  love curling up to a good book and I treasure my book collection by famous authors. Writing and listening to music is something i love to do. Prioritizing family time in my life is what makes my heart happy.

I spend a lot of time with my husband and family; it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. My sisters and my father take up a big part of my heart, we’ve been through so much together, our bond is admirably strong and I love them so much. In the near future I would like to learn to play a musical instrument. I still have hope and faith to someday becoming a mother to a healthy bundle of joy.

Dearest Leizel

I am very touched by your story, and how you are brave enough to share it with my readers. Their are so many women who endures the silence of their loss and they feel alone. I am sure that this 4 part short story will show them how strong they are, how they aren’t alone and why they shouldn’t give up hope.

Thank You for being so courages and for pouring your heart out in this blog post.

I truly admire your strength. I myself saw my mother go through a miscarriage at the age of 12 and I felt her pain after losing our brother.

God Bless you and may your dreams of being a mother come true, I truly believe we serve a majestic creator.

Sincerely Sue

The post Mother of Angels: Part 1 appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

Image Source

Grandmother

The names we call you differ,

but the feelings are the same.

You are pure grace,

unbounded elegance,

seasoned by such sweetness.

Your years of loving us

have filled you

with strength and gentleness

wisdom and compassion

…and always love.

You are the one

who takes time to listen

when we need to speak,

and you hear the words

out hearts say

when we are weighed down

and strangely silent.

You have dreamed with us,

believed in us,

and reminded us,

how strong we are.

You have always been more than enough,

the abiding presence of hope and faith

in the center of our family,

at the essence of all we are,

and we love you!

By Debbie Wilson

- Debbie Wilson

I am Career Counselor, Program Manager, and Team leader. I have experience in working with individuals who have special barriers to overcome, and consider it a great joy to assist people in moving beyond problems to embrace their fullest lives.

After 19 years as a classroom teacher, my gifts for language have continued to be shared through poetry, journaling and the lost art of the personal letter.

I am honored to be a part of the work of Just Pursue It and strive each day to be an encouragement to others.

Dear Debbie

It is so good to have you back on the Blog. I love this poem because I love my grandmother who I call Mamma. She is a strong women and I cant imagine my life without her. Sending love to you in De Soto, Missouri

Sincerely Sue

The post Poetry Corner: Grandmother by Debbie Wilson appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

This post was inspired by a personal experience.

My Lesson

In life the changes forced you to change, with each change you experience different outcomes and different reaction from people. This is what happened when I moved to another city. A few weeks ago I felt so alone. I have never felt that way before in ages. I would always have something to do, always have something to see or have a meeting of some sort. But I found myself sitting in my garden, staring at my phone and not one person came to mind when I needed to talk to someone. That was probably one of the lowest moments I’ve had since moving. This lead to me thinking: “Why does no-one have time for me, why does no one call and why cant I think of one friend to talk too”

Well after the pity charade, I realized that I have been giving so much of myself to others, not expecting anything in return, so much that people just saw me at the “Counselor friend” the one that gives good advice. I really don’t mind being that friend, but It would be awesome to be a friend who is needed when things go very well, not just when it goes bad.

The truth is sometimes the “Motivator” also needs to be inspired. The Motivator gives all their energy away, and in the end, they forget they need to replenish themselves.It was obvious that I was making time for everyone else and not giving back to me. How do I share so much love if I don’t start loving myself and take time to give back to me? (Ahhh, another epiphany)

I always hear people say “Sue you work so hard ” or “Sue you should take breaks” It’s those people who know that I would go out on a limb for them because of my dedication to making sure the whole world is okay. BUT  it has to end, the buck stops here. No more milking the “Motivator” The Motivator needs to give back to her and will surround herself with people who cares for her , genuinely.

My Message to you

If you find yourself in the same situation, where you need to question who really cares for you? You need to start waking up and realizing that your self worth is determined by how you treat yourself. If you put yourself last, everyone else will. If you don’t see to your needs first, everyone else will do the same.

Let us start to Pursue to spend time with those who make you feel good about yourself. When you spend time with people who treat you poorly, you are saying it’s okay to be treated that way. Surround yourself with people and family who are going to lift you higher, who wants the best for you and who will bend backwards if you need them too. It’s a sign that you put yourself first when you choose to be surrounded by loving individuals and not the emotional  leeches.

Love yourself enough to not be used for your time, energy and your emotions.

You deserve better than that, I know that now.

Sincerely Sue

The post Treat yourself with T.L.C appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

Young Woman Listen

Young woman, do not fret because he failed to see your natural goddess attire

He simply loses out on an all-encompassing beauty far deeper than those moments of fleeting desire

Young woman, do not mourn the passing of an admiring glance if his stance was always saturated in the physical

He merely imagined you as flesh and nothing more, your mind and spirit remote from all his will

Young woman, do not permit your life unto the whims of he who waits to prey in feigned reverence of your fullness

He times his pounce and fibs his sorries in the aftermath of tears between the stillness

Young woman, be glad you deigned to dignify his wolf-whistlth a coy smile and come-hither look of invitation

But rather chose to hold your head up high, Daughter of the Most High,

A woman valued as a treasure of Creation

About Robyn Radcliffe

Graduated from Unisa with a Bachelor of Arts in Communication Science and English and completed her Honours degree in English at The University of the Western Cape. She has lectured English, Business Communication, Journalism and Sub-editing and currently teaches English to foreign language students.

She is a spoken word artist, social activist and poetry facilitator who has been described as a “universal poetess.” Her narratives range from the harrowing to the humorous, with an equally diverse performance style. She has performed and facilitated workshops at The Saartjie Baartman Centre for Abused Women and Children as well as at Pollsmoor Prison in association with the YMCA as part of their pre-release programme.

She has featured on Bush Radio for her African Day piece, “The Beloved Coloured” as well as on Taxivision for a piece entitled “A Woman’s Courage.”  She has also featured on a track for Legacy Movement SA’s mixtape Volume 2. She loves breathing life into the written word through speaking truths about our human condition. 

Twitter: @RobynRadcliffe 

Dearest Robyn

When you DM’d me I was very interested in your gift with words. You see there are two things that nothing can replace, one when someone reads a good book and cant seem to put it down and two reading a good poem that speaks to the heart. This Women’s month is all about highlighting women as yourself who has such an amazing talent. When I read the above published poem it brought back so many memories and definitely spoke to my heart.

Thanks so much for your contribution to my blog and I am so excited to publish more of your poetry.

Sincerely Sue

The post Young Woman Listen by Robyn Radcliffe appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.

Happiness captured in a picture

When I was younger, I dreamt of finding my knight in shining armor. A man that would speak to me in poetry (Yes, I am obsessed with poetry written just for me), make my dreams come true and be an amazing person to talk to in our old age whilst watching the grandkids run around on our garden.

I am pictured here with the man of my dreams , Aslam. I call him my “Hubster” , My “Inspiration”, My “Soul Mate”. Those who know me, knows that I’m crazy about Aslam. Sometimes I think I’m his biggest fan. (Insert Sue Levy cheering while holding Pink pom poms here)

I was recently reminded of how blessed I was to have him in my life when we did a roadtrip to Cape Town ,Durban and back to Pretoria in last week. Spending over 42 hours in a car with someone can be a challenge, things weren’t always perfect, but It taught me that in your old age you want to spend time with someone who you can have good conversation with. Outer appearances and worldly possessions things will fade away, but a good partner in life is priceless.

We tend to think that life is only about the material achievements, but when you look closer your real achievements are those that money cannot buy.

I took some time to think my top 5 blessings that money cannot buy and here they are:

1. Love
2. Family
3. Friendship
4. My ablility to tuch lives with my talks
5. Compassion

We have to make this list on a weekly basis and start realizing that what the world offers is only temporary. Life is all about living and being grateful for the the unsung blessings that we often take for granted

I challenge you to Pursue that list today. Think about it, be grateful for it and affirm more of that in your life

Sincerely Sue

The post Inspirational Thought of the Day appeared first on Sue Faith Levy's Blog.