It was going to be a “new year, new you” type of post, which gives away that I started it in January, and which kind of explains the self-help-y list. But of course I couldn’t make a list and show it off here without adding some of my favorite sex books, too!

But first, the stuff to enhance your renaissance-man (regardless of gender!) fabulous self. In alphabetical order:

1. The Art of Civilized Conversation: A Guide to Expressing Yourself With Style and Grace by Margaret Shepherd. Excellent for dating, deepening relationships with people you already know and like, and generally elevating the discussion around you. I especially remember the part about how conversations between two people should start with facts, move to opinions, and then and only then should you discuss emotions.
2. How to Cook Everything (Vegetarian) by Mark Bittman. Whether or not you know how to cook, this is a fantastic resource. I got a copy of the vegetarian version over the holidays. Though Bittman isn’t famous for his desserts (pastries aren’t really his strong point, or, let’s be honest, so says Kristen) he has a little bit of everything in here and chances are, it’ll be a great starting point, if not an excellent recipe. Lots of great tips for technique, too.
3. The Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy and Vice by Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro. I have dreams of writing a butch equivalent, but shh that’s a secret. This contains excellent thoughts about conducting oneself socially, manners, conversation, style, how to tie ties, how to order drinks, how to be suave on a date, all sorts of things that a gentleman would want to know. Not impressed with the sex part (cheesy!) but hey you can’t win ‘em all. Along with Dressing the Man: Mastering the Art of Permanent Style, this is one of the books about masculinity that I recommend most.
4. The Power of Less: The 6 Essential Productivity Principles That Will Change Your Life by Leo Babauta. You probably already read Zen Habits, so you know Babauta’s style and simplicity. This book is a lovely collection of philosophies on productivity, minimalism, moving on, getting shit done, and focusing on what you really want to do. Along with The Four-Hour Work Week, this really changed my attitude about my time (a non-renewable resource!) and how I make decisions.
5. There Is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate by Cheri Huber. Huber is a buddhist monk, founded two zen monasteries in California, has written about twenty books, and travels widely. I found her writing when I was in high school and have been reading and re-reading ever since. It’s kind of self-help-y, yes, but there’s a lot of spirituality, philosophy, and psychology in it too, which the best self-help books contain. She has many other titles that I’d also recommend, The Depression Book: Depression as an Opportunity for Spiritual Growth literally changed my life when I first read it, and Be the Person You Want To Find: Relationships and Self-Discovery is a great book for those of us seeking long-term valuable love relationships. Speaking of love relationships, I can’t not mention If the Buddha Dated and If the Buddha Married by Charlotte Kasl. Both were very life-changing and eye-opening to my own patterns and tendencies, and very useful. Kasl is a buddhist quaker feminist psychotherapist, and her perspective is so full of lovingkindness and sweetness and understanding that you can’t not be drawn in, only to learn about yourself and your tendencies. Though it’s pretty hetero-focused in its example couples, I tend to change the pronouns (or pretend it’s a butch going by him/her and a femme). Kristen and I have been reading through it aloud and discussing it, which can be intense but has been great.

And because I can’t make a book list without having sex books on it:

1. Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex by Rachel Venning and Claire Cavanah, founders of Babeland. I’ve already mentioned this book on Sugarbutch recently, but it’s worth mentioning again. Modern, fun, wide-ranging, inclusive, sexy, kinky, open, welcoming. And the design is just so damn cute. If I had coffee table books, this would be one of them.
2. The Topping Book and The Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. I recommend these books constantly to folks who want to get more involved in power play or topping and bottoming roles in their sex lives. So many of my philosophies come from these books, and they are incredibly full of useful tips and ideas about aftercare, safewords, top drop, negotiations.
3. Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas. Tantra books are usually way too cheesy for me to even get through, and I have some experience with tantra. But this one is different. Carrellas (@urbantantrika) is as grounded as she is woo-woo, as queer and kinky as she is accessible and open. If you’ve always been curious about tantra, this is a great place to start.
4. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino. There are very few smart books written about polyamory and open relationships (The Ethical Slut, now in a new edition, by the authors of the Topping/Bottoming Books, being the classic cannon), and this is the most recent. I’ve admired Taormino’s work for a long time, since her sex column at the Village Voice (collected into a book called True Lust), and she’s done some pretty amazing things in mainstream porn since then. I love that she’s bringing and underground queer feminist perspective to the things she’s doing, it makes her work even more complex and fantastic. Her most recent book (aside from Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch/Femme Erotica!) is The Big Book of Sex Toys, which I don’t have my hands on yet but will be reporting all about when I do.
5. Exhibitionism For the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot! by Carol Queen. The Amazon description says “[e]xhibitionism as a consensual erotic pleasure and a means to overcome shyness and body image issues” and I LOVE that idea! I’m not actually sure where my copy of this has escaped to, perhaps I lost it in a break-up, but there’s a relatively new edition from 2009 that I should get my hands on regardless. Want to feel more sexy, show off, but feel self-conscious? Pick up this book. In case you don’t already know Carol Queen, she’s the owner of the Good Vibrations toy shops and director of The Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco. She also wrote one of my favorite erotica books, The Leather Daddy and the Femme.

Whew! Okay, that should keep you busy for the next few months, hm? I hope at least one of these is interesting and might enhance your life in some way. Books can be so magical like that.

I’ve included the links to Amazon, and while if you click through those links I do get a teeny tiny kickback from your purchases, I still encourage you to visit your local independent bookstore and support them by ordering these books through them. If you want them to be around next year, that means spending your money in their shop. I know they aren’t as cheap as Amazon, and probably not quite as convenient, but you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Or at least, I will. A lot.

So? What books changed YOUR life?

Related:

• Friday, February 5, 2010 -- New Book! Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch Femme Erotica
• Tuesday, December 22, 2009 -- Kristen’s Homework: Holiday Version
• Thursday, July 30, 2009 -- How To Begin Playing with BDSM
• Monday, June 1, 2009 -- Review: Reclaiming Eros (book)
• Tuesday, March 16, 2010 -- Lambda Literary Nominees Featuring “This One’s Going to Last Forever”

My (metaphorical) account of the weekend and what I think of Austin and such is up today on my Sex Is column, Mr. Sexsmith’s Other Girlfriend, titled Mr. Sexsmith Goes To SXSW and Takes a Lover.

The Engaging the Queer Community panel at SXSW and the Oil Can Harry’s meet-up were a big success. I hear the panel was videotaped, hopefully the video will be available online sometime soon, I’ll certainly let you know where you can find it.

But meanwhile, there’s some other media and interviews with me floating around the web and new this week:

• The Feministing Five: Sinclair Sexsmith: “Sinclair Sexmith is a sex blogger who writes the Sugarbutch Chronicles: The Sex, Gender and Relationship Adventures of a Kinky Queer Butch Top. She’s been blogging about sex and gender for several years now, and at Sugarbutch she blogs about everything from getting past old heartbreaks to sex with her current girlfriend to her own evolving masculine identity. When I asked her about how she manages writing for a public audience about such private things, she said, “the sex is actually easier to write about than the emotional complications.” When I asked if she adheres to any ground rules for she discloses about her sex life, she said “there are no hard and fast rules,” at which point I giggled, revealing myself to be twenty-two going on twelve.”
• Feast of Fun Podcast: Butching it Up with Sinclair Sexsmith: “For gay, lesbian, bi and trans folks telling our stories is vital to our personal growth. The internet creates a safe space for people to discover the sexier side of themselves by reflecting on their experiences with others. Today we continue our series of interviews with well known bloggers who know how make it happen. We have kinky writer, queer butch top, Sinclair Sexsmith of the Sugarbutch Chronicles. Listen as we chat with Sinclair about her journey writing erotica, coming out in your blog and New York City’s Lesbian Sex Mafia!”
• Queerty: How Can We Shift the Focus of Queer Media From Homophobes and Lady Gaga To Actual LGBTs? – Video interviews with all the SXSW queer panelists. “Looking around the SXSW Interactive’s first-ever LGBT panel, “Engaging the Queer Community”, I saw a shrunken pink-haired woman wearing steel-toed platform boots and green stockings walking past a large-nosed horn rimmed kid with horse teeth and acne scars, and I realized that even though we’re all adults now, we very much remain the theater fags and lunch geeks we were in high school—conflicted and sightly scared people looking for a voice. But why then are our personal stories so often trumped by the like of homophobic senators and, bless her, Lady Gaga?”

I kind of miss Austin already. I swear I felt my anxiety and stress level raise to ORANGE ALERT as soon as a woke up the morning after my return to New York City. Hard not to be reminded that there are easier places to live.

Related:

• Wednesday, January 27, 2010 -- SXSW and Austin-bound in March
• Thursday, October 15, 2009 -- Come Say Hello! My Fall ‘09 Events
• Friday, June 19, 2009 -- Pioneers, Visionaries, Safe Havens, and Glitter
• Monday, June 15, 2009 -- Two podcast interviews: sex, sex, and more sex
• Tuesday, April 14, 2009 -- Virgin Night in New York City – this Thursday

Here’s the question:

I was wondering if you know of any good resources for spanking. I have a friend who wants to get spanked and I said that if he wanted to, I would do it. Any tips? Handouts? Diagrams?

Babeland has a decent How To Spank article, so that’s worth a read. And there’s Rachel Kramer Bussel’s collection of erotica stories called Spanked and the corresponding Spanked blog.

This is what else comes to my mind:

• Where to spank: Spank the fleshy parts of the ass & thighs, make sure to avoid the parts that are bonier like the little triangle coccyx bone right above the butt crack, the spine, or the kidneys. Basically, steer clear of the low back. Some people like to have sensation on the upper back and shoulder blades (though that perhaps is for later)
• Start light: Start light with pats rather that swats or hits, jiggle the flesh even, warm it up, gradually increase pressure. Generally when I start I go light and fast, then work up to the big hits later, with full big arm strength, taking pauses and breaks between to press my body close, run my palms along the flesh to sooth it, and whisper sweet things
• Hand vs Ass: So much of the pain is psychological, not about actual damage. It can hurt, but there are hundreds of teeny bones in the hand, and compared the big pelvis and femurs down there by the ass & thighs, the hand will get harmed way before it could do any real damage to those bones. Which is not to say you can’t bruise—you can—but that’s not the kind of damage I mean. Be sure to be reassuring vocally (or with pleasurable touches) as you’re getting heavier, and warm up slowly
• Spanking to Sex: I tend to start spanking closer & closer to the genitals toward the end, working in some fingering in between spanks. That can be a nice way to segue from the spanking back to the sex play, and also when someone is turned on they can take a whole lot more sensation, so I tend to be able to hit harder then
• Positions: Try a couple different positions: leaning over a bed with feet on the floor, on all fours, across your lap on the couch, hands high leaning against a wall. People have different preferences when both giving & receiving, so try out a few different things
• Toys: My hand usually gives out before her ass does. Consider a little paddle maybe like this one, you can go for longer. ones that are flat and wide tend to be “thuddy” and ones that are thin tend to be “stingy”—usually people prefer thuddy ones, especially if they aren’t so experienced. Same rules apply for paddles

Readers, help me out here. Anything else? Any tips and tricks for taking or giving a spanking? Do you know of any online beginning spanking resources that I’m missing? How did you get into spanking? What’s your favorite way to get spanked? What are your favorite toys to get spanked with? Leave it in the comments!

Related:

• Tuesday, October 13, 2009 -- Dear Mr. Sexsmith: Packing
• Monday, August 18, 2008 -- with what and where would you like to be spanked?
• Friday, August 1, 2008 -- forthcoming review: spanked
• Friday, March 12, 2010 -- Review: The Njoy Fun Wand
• Saturday, December 26, 2009 -- Review: Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage (DVD)

Special congratulations to Nairne Holtz, whose book This One’s Going to Last Forever (Insomniac Press) was nominated in the Lesbian Fiction category. Holtz has a short story called “Bait and Switch” in Best Lesbian Erotica 2009, an anthology in which I also have a story, and when we were both in New York City at the end of 2009 for the annual Best Lesbian Erotica reading at the Drunken! Careening! Writers! reading series at KGB bar, hosted by Kathleen Warnock (who is coming to read at the very first Sideshow!), and I have had a chance to read This One’s Going to Last Forever. It is a collection of short stories and a novella. Here’s the description:

This One’s Going to Last Forever reflects both the naive optimism of those who have yet to learn about love and the cynicism of those who feel that by now they should know better.

Clara, a university student working at the McGill Daily, discovers that in love and politics, commitment is often more imagined than real. Kelly and Sonya share a bond that has less to do with love than with their dependence on each other and a succession of friends who supply them with heroin. A middle-aged man who performs drive-through weddings dressed as Elvis realizes, as he marries his first same-sex couple, that the only domestic partner he is ever likely to have is his ailing father. But when he ends his latest relationship, an unlikely friendship results.

The characters in these darkly comic stories and novella may be searching for love in all the wrong places, but they are also able to find love in the most unexpected places.

The Lambda Literary Foundation recently relaunched their website and it’s quite spiffy, by the way.

Related:

• Thursday, October 15, 2009 -- The Nearest Exit May Be Behind You by S. Bear Bergman
• Wednesday, April 1, 2009 -- Kicking off the Femmethology blog tour!
• Sunday, July 20, 2008 -- review: Lipstick on her Collar
• Friday, February 5, 2010 -- New Book! Sometimes She Lets Me: Best Butch Femme Erotica
• Thursday, December 17, 2009 -- How to Wear Red Lipstick, from How to Sew A Button Author Erin Bried

Kristen and I are heading down to SXSW for a few days of the Interactive schedule. I’m on a panel on Saturday, Engaging the Queer Community, along with Trish Bendix of AfterEllen.com, Bil Browning of Bilerico, and Fausto Fernos of Feast of Fun.

Engaging The Queer Community
Saturday, March 13
at 03:30 PM
A discussion on maintaining successful and active blogs and social networking sites that are geared toward the LGBT community and its niches.

Presenters:
Trish Bendix - MTV/AfterEllen.com
Bil Browning - Bilerico Project
Fausto Fernos - Feast of Fun (moderator)
Sinclair Sexsmith - Sugarbutch Chronicles

There’s also a SXSW Homo site which apparently is keeping track of the queer events during the festival.

Kristen & I are crashing with an online friend (whose Twitter handle I can’t currently find) and we’ve been gathering Austin restaurants and mini-adventures to explore while we’re there.

And don’t forget!

SXSW Queer Blogger Tweetup
Sunday, March 14 at 9pm
OilCan Harry’s
211 West 4th Street (walking distance from the conference)
Austin, Texas

• Live tweetup using hashtag #sxswgay
• Free wifi available
• Your favorite viral videos from 2009 playing on the bar’s TVs
• T-shirt and merchandise giveaways
• Free* drinks to all SXSW attendees and people who follow Oil Can Harry’s on twitter @oilcanharrys or show their SXSW pass.

* The rumor is that because of Texas liquor laws, you can’t ask for “free” drinks, you’ve got to ask for “the hookup” and provide proof that you are following @oilcanharrys on Twitter, if you don’t have a SXSW badge, by either showing your smartphone or by a printout.

So! Who’s coming? Who will I see tomorrow or Sunday? Seems like it’s going to be a bit of a boy’s club, please assure me that the femmes and genderqueers and butches and trans folks and radicals will be joining me too!

Related:

• Wednesday, January 27, 2010 -- SXSW and Austin-bound in March
• Wednesday, March 17, 2010 -- Oh, Hi
• Wednesday, February 24, 2010 -- SXSW and Austin Bound in March: Update
• Wednesday, May 13, 2009 -- F*cking with Gender: a workshop in Chicago
• Wednesday, January 2, 2008 -- under my radar

“Have you seen the Dockers ads?” someone asked me recently at a conference, after I told them I write about masculinity. “A friend told me he liked those ads, because he is so unsure of what it means to ‘be a man’ right now. Everything has changed. There are no icons pointing men where to go, what to be like.”

I hear this frequently, and I have asked myself this often, too, in my own personal identity development process of coming to a female masculinity as butch. Where are the feminist men? Where are the radical depictions of masculinity? Where are the examples of health and strength and skill and honor that I can admire and emulate? Who can I look to? Who will be a mirror showing me my reflection so that I can push myself in the direction that best fits me? I speak to this when I talk about depictions of healthy relationships in the media, too—where are they? What does that look like? Where are the heterosexual couples with men treating women with respect, value, care? Where is the equality? Where are the conscientious, thoughtful dads?

Things are changing. That is my entire premise of this series of articles on Radical Masculinity: that we are at a precarious time, in transition, finally studying what it means to “be a man” in this culture, much like feminists and gender scholars have been studying femininity and women in the past forty years. Underneath the question of what it means to “be a man,” as queers and butches and trans and genderqueer folks are also asking, is what it means to be masculine. The concepts of masculinity have changed, and is still changing, and while there is no singular meaning (like perhaps the fictional version of the nuclear family and breadwinner in the 1950s), I’m finding that there is no shortage of masculine icons.

Read the whole thing over at my column on Radical Masculinity at Carnal Nation: Reinventing Our Icons.

Related:

• Monday, February 8, 2010 -- Masculinity Icons: Happy Birthday, James Dean
• Wednesday, November 11, 2009 -- Radical Masculinity: How to Make Masculinity Stop Hurting
• Monday, October 12, 2009 -- A Manifesto for Radical Masculinity (on Carnal Nation)
• Tuesday, January 19, 2010 -- Year In Review On Sugarbutch: 2009
• Thursday, December 31, 2009 -- Radical Masculinity #3: When Men Wear Skirts

I’m way behind on product reviews, I have a list and it kinda just keeps getting longer. I’m moving away from doing reviews, actually, trying to be much more discerning about which sites and which products I take on, especially since I don’t use all that I already have. And of course I’m still taking some products for Babeland, which continues to be one of my favorite toy shops. I’ve probably told my Babeland story a dozen times, but I credit their sex-positivity, queer-friendly staff and products, and endlessly useful workshops with a lot of my own queer sexual awakening. I made a special trip to the Capitol Hill store in Seattle when I moved there in 1999 and, like many first-time visitors, purchased the Dirty Dice before I left. It took me another year or so to actually purchase my first strap-on and attend a spanking workshop, and I’ve been learning from them ever since.

They are such an excellent introduction to the worlds of sex-positivity and sex toys, that is precisely their strength and still something they do better than just about any other queer and feminist toy store, in my opinion. That reminds me—the founders of Babeland, Claire Cavanaugh and Rachel Venning (who are included on the Top Hot Butches list, though I’m told that Clare does not identify as butch, though Rachel does), have a new book out! Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex is out and fantastic. I especially like the design of the book, it’s so much fun to flip through. The graphic design and layout is fantastic, and it’s kind of like the sex ed class that should have been available when you went to college in a book form. The site calls it “a warm, expert, and witty guide to a truly satisfying and exciting sex life. Especially helpful for those at the beginning of their sexual self-discovery, Moregasm combines gorgeous, glossy visuals with real-world advice and the frank, reliable information you’ve come to expect from Babeland.”

On to the toy!

Behold: the Njoy Fun Wand.

I kind of feel like the Njoy toys review themselves. I mean do I even have to say anything about the actual function? I kind of want a fancy stand for it (does anybody make those? Someone should!) so I can display it on my coffee table or on a lighted shelf. It really is as beautiful as it seems.

Babeland says it used to be called the Saturn Wand, which to me seems boyish, maybe because Saturn was a god? It doesn’t seem like the Fun Wand is marketed as an anal toy, but that seems like the best use of it, personally. It’s kind of small.

Look at this photo from Babeland’s site of a hand holding the Fun Wand, you’ll see how small it is. Barely larger than a finger, really. The big difference between the Fun Wand and a finger, of course, aside from the hard stainless steel, is the strong curve and the texture, kind of like anal beads, which are um, awesome.

In the months that I’ve had this toy, after trying it out (both on myself and on Kristen, since it is easily sterilizable for sharing), I haven’t used it much. I’m more inclined to use strap-on cocks, harnesses, and bondage toys when playing with Kristen, and though we have started using some anal plugs of sorts fairly regularly, I am more inclined to use my fingers as a supplement to my strap-on than to get out another toy like this one.

I do tend to bust out the Njoy toys during my own solo masturbation play, though; both this one and the Pure Wand. Partly it might be that it does not have a flared base (and therefore makes it a little bit dangerous to play with anally—things actually can get lost up there you know, unlike the vagina which has nowhere to go. Do NOT insert it all the way and be sure to keep a strong grip on the end), and because I only insert it about halfway, it’s not the most comfortable to use when on your back.

Since this review has been half in photographs, I’m going to give you one more:

To be honest, I’ve lost the photographer of this shot. I think I found it on Tumblr, and my best guess (thanks Dacia) is that it’s a shot by Aeric Meredith-Goujon. All I can remember is that I’m pretty sure it was shot by a guy, and that when I found him on Twitter his icon was one of those make-yourself-a-Mad-Men-character cartoon. Going through Aeric’s daily photo blog, I did come across this shot: Ponderosa also, and the style is similar enough that it’s quite likely that is his photo. If you know for sure, or if you have this sourced somewhere else, please tell me! I want to give proper credit!

Also, it’s a really fucking hot photo. Add to the list of more amazing ideas of what to do with a Fun Wand.

Njoy Fun Wand photos from njoytoys.com. The Njoy Fun Wand was sent to me from Babeland to review. Buy the Fun Wand and other fabulous sex toys at your local feminist sex-positive queer-friendly shop, or, of course, at Babeland.

Related:

• Wednesday, November 11, 2009 -- Fucking & Making Love
• Wednesday, September 23, 2009 -- I’d Like To Fuck Her Ass
• Wednesday, September 2, 2009 -- Masturbation is Great! (Review: Off With Your Head Hitachi attachment)
• Monday, July 6, 2009 -- Power, and a Pure Wand
• Monday, June 15, 2009 -- Grip: boy toy winner!

I often notice some sort of snag or conflict come up between Kristen and I, and using those things I mentioned are the super strong foundations of our relationship, we can usually talk through it, understand where we’re both coming from, and explain how we got there.

My part of that often looks like this: “You did x, and x is very familiar to me because in my past relationship x had this kind of role and did this kind of damage to me, so it’s really hard for me when you do x, because I feel triggered and panicked.”

Another important part of this is: it’s pretty likely that she wasn’t intentionally doing x, or at least she certainly didn’t mean to hurt me; I do keep that in mind. Probably it was a by-product of her attempting to do something else. And usually she can express that explanation and I can hear her and I don’t get mad at her for doing it, generally I understand what she was trying to do.

But somehow I am still stuck in this past relationship, this past me, where that feeling was true and x meant something specific and my reaction is to PANIC. And I am starting to ask myself: is that happening in this relationship, right now? No, usually it isn’t. That is something else, that is in my past, that is an old wound that this new thing is pulling on, but it’s not the same wound. I am not becoming re-wounded there. I am not at danger of falling back into that wound.

So. Clearly, I need to “let go” of that old reaction. But how does one do that? How do you let something go when it feels like it’s so fucking hard-wired into the way my brain works? How do I not be scared and feel triggered and panicked when these things come back up?

This is what I’ve been contemplating lately, as things between Kristen and I are improving after another brief panic. One of the things about relationships that I deeply believe, indeed one of the POINTS of being in an intimate, loving, romantic, sexual relationship, is that they teach you things about yourself that you perhaps wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to learn, and if they are strong and founded and good, they also can be the space in which you have enough support to actually practice the growing, someone who is patient with you and who recognizes how hard you’re working to rewire yourself, who can gently remind you when you’re falling back into old patterns, and who can support you and encourage you as you try on new ones. Plus, they provide endless opportunities to use those new patterns, since conflict and difficulty and triggers from old broken hearts come up in relationship all the time. Isn’t that lucky!

I think what I’m talking about, in this question of “how do I let go,” is becoming more aware, becoming more mindful of what triggers what and what means what, especially in my relationship. I’m tired of all these old ghosts coming up. I have done a shit-ton of work to put these ghosts to rest, but the pathways in my brain are still carved out in many ways.

So I guess it kind of looks like this:

1. I have a reaction to something that’s happening in my relationship (usually a negative, bad, “unreasonable” emotional reaction)
2. I realize where my reaction is coming from (usually a past lover, wound, broken heart)
3. Let go of the old reaction, be in the present (instead of gripping onto and explaining myself through the past). How to do that?
   1. Well first, I need to be able to release my grip on #2, to be able to ask myself, How did I come to this reaction? Where did it come from, and how did it serve me? What remains unacknowledged about this old wound that means I still think I need this protection? Can I heal that wound and know I no longer need that protection? What is asking me for acceptance?
   2. Then, I need to be in the present. I’ve noticed myself grasping at these old stories, justifying my high emotions, so much that I am not sitting with what is. So I must learn to ask myself: What is happening now? Is this old pattern that I fear actually present?
4. After letting go of that old reaction, I can have a reaction to what’s happening now, with Kristen, with me, and aim, as always, to respond and react with lovingkindness and care and awareness and openness and love.

That seems fairly straightforward, actually. I think that is possible.

I spoke with a lovely friend and mentor recently about this exact problem, and she suggested a fairly simple rephrasing of relationship needs. I think that too will help in conquering this “how to let go” question. For example, if I notice this process happening, and get to step #2, realizing that I’m being triggered because it’s relating to a past hurt of mine, if I go on to say, “Okay, I need you to not be x like my ex,” that brings a lot of baggage into the conversation, a lot of layers and complicated past ghosts and old wounds and old ways of working and whoa suddenly it’s a whole lot more than just me and my beautiful girlfriend trying to talk through a little snag in communication or interaction.

Let me be a little more specific for this example, I think it’ll make more sense that way.

So one of the things that triggers me heavily is when someone in a relationship with me is withholding. It reminds me of my former lesbian bed death relationship, among others, and I get panicked that I’ll never again know what’s happening in her head and will spend years trying and it will eat me up. Ahem.

But this plays on other ways I work too, especially in that I am a very insightful, observant person who often knows what’s going on with another person’s emotional landscape even better than they do (especially if they aren’t too self-aware), and I have the tendency to constantly check in with them (silently, emotionally) to see where they’re at. If they aren’t telling me where they’re at, and in fact are deliberately putting up a wall and withholding that information, saying “I’m fine,” or “I don’t want to talk about it,” when I ask, I tend to assume something is brewing and will bubble up and explode later, which makes me way anxious.

I know, this is a totally unique situation that nobody else has ever been in, right? Nobody else has this problem, ever.

So, instead of having the reaction of “I need you to not be withholding like my ex!” I can rephrase it to something like, “it’s really important for me to know what’s going on with your mental/emotional landscape.” Not that we have to spend hours processing that, but I can briefly explain why I need that, and if she can just say, “oh, I’m feeling anxious about work, but I don’t want to talk about it,” that’s enough. Some broad-stroke explanation of what “that feeling” is that I am reading on her face but she’s not expressing.

Knowing what is going on with someone else’s emotional landscape one of my basic relationship needs, in fact! And in some ways it has nothing to do with my ex, it has to do with ME. It just reminds me of a time when this basic relationship need wasn’t met (and was probably taken advantage of), and what’s important is that the need be acknowledged and get met, not that there was a time in my past when it wasn’t met. (I mean, that’s important too, but I have done enough healing to hopefully not stick a rock in that wound to keep it open.)

Whew. That feels like a lot, but it feels like a relief, and like I’ve hit on something important.

One of the things about the ways that I work, and the ways I grow and change and get over capitol-i Issues that plague me, is that generally, as soon as I can articulate what’s going on for me and write—that’s the key here, WRITE—out a possible solution, or at least a path to try, I often find that I can rewire myself through that process. By time I articulate it, by time I name it and label it and say OH that’s what’s going on, and OH here’s what I can do to do that differently, those skills and awareness have kind of already integrated. This isn’t a 100%-true-always theory, but I have noticed that this tends to be true, and that too feels like a relief.

Okay so: how about y’all? How have you addressed this problem of past hurts in your current relationships? Any tips for me? Any tricks to keeping your own mindfulness and awareness up while dealing with things that are triggering and hard? Anything I might be missing here? Does this make sense? Can you relate to it? Or does it seem like I’m way off base?

PS: A teeny colophon note: I’ve been making some changes to this site’s sidebar and structure in general. A little bitta spring cleaning, if you will. And as such, the category formerly known as SSU has been renamed Critical Theory. It might change again, there are an awful lot of C categories over there in the list, but that works for now. Do not be alarmed, it’s still there.

Also, if you aren’t following my Tumblr log, mrsexsmith.tumblr.com, you might be missing out on some of the things I used to frequently put on Sugarbutch, like for example calls for submission for queer and kinky and feminist anthologies, eye candy photos of hot butches and femmes, media like youtube videos, announcements for other events, and more. It’s easy to subscribe by RSS or pop over there and check out what’s going on.

Related:

• Tuesday, March 2, 2010 -- Love Letter #4 (Growing Pains)
• Monday, January 11, 2010 -- Articulating What I Need When I Need It
• Sunday, January 3, 2010 -- Occasional Effects of D/s
• Monday, December 28, 2009 -- Yes, No, and Consent
• Wednesday, November 11, 2009 -- Fucking & Making Love

“Yes,” I answer, arm under her neck, the other hand on her hip and curved under her thigh and ass as she drapes herself over me partly.

“I was thinking about … you using me,” she starts in a small voice, quiet, by my ear. I can feel her breath. “Filling me up. Fucking me and fucking me without caring how it was for me. I was thinking about tears streaming down my cheeks, and you not stopping, just … taking me, until you get what you want, and you come.”

I bow my head a little to find her mouth by feel in the dark bedroom. “I like to use you like that,” I say. She nods. “Let’s play later.” She nods again, pulls closer to me.

This story contains Daddy/girl roles in sex play, some domination and submission, and lots of tender loving care. Continue reading with that knowledge, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Later, after she makes lunch because I order her to, because I still have a hard time letting anyone do anything for me, so it feels possibly okay to let her when I order her to do so, when I can put the parameters on what she does, after she does her work, after I set my three MITs and accomplish them all, we head back into the bedroom to play.

I sit on the bed, she comes close to me and we kiss, the kind of tender kiss for reunited lovers after a week of travel. Sweet and slow. I am going to be sweet, tender, loving (I tell myself): the domination will come from verbal command and compliance.

She lifts her thin tee shirt (an old one of mine, actually, Ladyfest East in New York City from 2001) and my mouth is at nipple-height so of course I suck. She cradles my head a little, cooing, and sometimes she makes me feel young doing this, sometimes it is all about nurturing me, but this time I won’t linger here long.

I want her on her knees in front of me. It’s been quite a while since she sucked me off properly.

I kiss her again, gripping her upper arms and she tightens, gasps. She likes to be restrained. “I want you to take your pants off,” I say, knowing full well she’s wearing nothing underneath, “and get on your knees while I get my cock on.”

She is quiet and small and knows she can’t go until I release her. “Yes, Daddy,” she says.

I grin, kiss her again. “Good girl. Use that blanket to kneel on.”

She does, and is in place before I have even undone my zipper. I need something in the other room so I come up behind her and cup her chin, her ass in the other. “I have to go get”—something—the other lamp, since my bedside table lamp died, and the overhead is too bright? I think that was it—”I want you to wait here for me. Keep your hands behind your back. Can you do that?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

I come back a minute later and she’s still in place, one hand holding the opposite wrist. I mess with the room ambiance, put on my cock, perch on the bed in front of her.

Bringing her mouth next to mine with a grip on the back of her head, I say, “Thank you, baby. You can use your hands on my cock now. I just didn’t want you to touch yourself while I was gone.” I reach down and slide a finger between her lips; she’s wet, swollen already. I like for her to wait for me, like to play these games.

She moans a little, breathy. As I kiss her again, fingers on her clit now. “I didn’t, Daddy, I didn’t touch myself. But my pussy got all wet anyway.” This she says a little apologetically.

“It’s okay, baby, that feels good. You gonna suck it now?” It was supposed to be a command but came out more as a question, hopefully it didn’t sound quite as desperate as I felt. It’s so easy to betray the dominant persona I am still trying out, putting on, getting right. I am learning to wrangle the desperation and shove it into dominance’s shoes and outfits and speech patterns. Sometimes a channel opens up between the two and it’s a vigorous dance, and that passageway is getting increasingly easy to open.

She ducks down, opens her mouth, tongue flat and wide against the underside of my cock head, looks up at me with her eyes and says, “uh huh,” before closing her lips around it.

She licks, presses it to her tongue, sucks so her cheeks hollow, grips it in her fist and jerks it hard while tonguing the indents at the tip. Swallows it. I leave my hand in her hair, fisting it without pressure to keep my cock in her mouth. That, she did on her own.

Sliding backward on the floor, she arches her back deeper and thrusts her ass into the air. She faces away from the full-length closet door mirrors, but I had a perfect view, and as she sucks me deeper her thighs part and I can see her pussy, slick and wet, and asshole, tight and pink, in the mirror, sometimes with a slight bounce in her hips when she really gets into going up and down on my cock.

She swallows it deep and I moan, feeling it swell and thicken in her mouth. She holds it there, deep, and I feel like she is sucking the breath from me, until she gags and sputters a little, pulls fast back off of it, gulping air and spit, that viscous slick kind from the back of her throat sticky on my cock-head and still a string of it connected to her lips.

Grinning and humming and swallowing, her hand still on my cock, jerking me. I pull her up to me, smear her wet lips across her mouth, kiss her hard. “Careful,” I say.

“I like it,” she grins wickedly. “I like when it goes too deep. I like it, Daddy.”

“I know baby. Go easy.” We kiss again, her mouth swollen and wet, my cock throbbing. I would have to fuck her soon. “Do it again, you little cocksucker, do it more, don’t stop.”

She does: dives back down, back arching, head low, and I watch her ass in the mirror while I start rocking my hips to get my cock on that sweet spot on her tongue, down her throat. She gulps and comes up for air once, twice, forgetting to breathe, sometimes holding her breath, smiling at me, mouth open, lips still touching my cock. She sucks it down again, fingers wrapped around the shaft. I moan, breath heavy, hands and fingers pulling strong like I am ready to grab her by the hair and slam her backward to face fuck her until I come. This is where she takes me, this is where she likes me, in this state of desperation funneling and transforming into dominance.

I pull her up quick, grabbing her upper arms hard. “Get up on the bed,” I say, fast, low. “Now.”

She stumbles to her feet, I push her back as soon as she’s standing. “Spread your legs.” She’s got her arms up protectively against her chest, instinctively, hands to her mouth, quiet, eyes wide, waiting for me, a little nervous, moving deliberately and slow. I know sometimes I scare her when I take too much. I breathe, try to slow down, place myself gently on top of her as I slip one arm under her neck and hold my cock, guide it toward her cunt with the other hand, bring my mouth down gently to kiss her, hold her tight in my arms.

“Did I make you feel good?”

“Yes, baby.”

“Did I … make your cock all big and hard?”

“Yes.” I find her slit with my cock and press in just an inch, two, then shift my arm to hold her leg up with my inner elbow against her shin, rocking her back a little, opening her thighs, my cock sliding in deeper as I press myself close to her.

“Are you going to put it in my little pussy now?”

“You want me to?”

“Yes, yes, put it in.”

“Put it where?”

“In my pussy. Put it in my pussy.”

“Put what in your pussy?”

“Your cock. Please, Daddy.”

“Say it again.”

“Put your cock in my pussy … ”

“Please?”

“Please! Put your big cock in my little pussy, please, Daddy, please.” By now I’m already thrusting in and out of her, slow and slick with her spit all over my cock and her wet cunt. Still, I sit back and reach for lube, without pulling my cock out, smear it all over the shaft and on as much of the head as I can. I want to be sure I can fuck her hard. I slide my knees up under her thighs, cock hard in my hand, and slide it in deep and full.

I don’t slow down, now. Shove it in again harder and my clit thrusts against the strap of the harness. “Is this what you wanted? To be my little hole to fuck?” I growl in her ear as I fuck harder. She starts thrashing and squirming and I hold her down by her arms, fingers digging in to the soft parts, hoping they will bruise. Sometimes they do.

She winces a little. “It’s big, Daddy.”

“That’s what you told me you wanted, isn’t it. My big cock, fucking you hard.” I whisper low in her ear, thrusting in and out of her hard.

“It’s big,” she whispers again.

“Yeah, and your pussy feels so good, mm.”

“That feels good, Daddy? Your cock feels good in my little girl pussy?”

Harder, getting closer. “Yes.” Grunting.

“I like it when you put it in me hard like that.”

“Mmm.”

“Put it in me hard, Daddy, fuck my little pussy. Use it up, take me, just do what you want with me …” She lets her mouth go in words and I love what comes out.

“That’s my girl, yeah, baby that feels good.”

“I’m your girl, daddy, use me up, use me up.” She starts repeating things, whimpering, tensing underneath me, even crying a little, face pinching, and I don’t let up, she winces a little but grips onto my back to keep her leverage against me, moans as I get harder and pound deep, she can’t really keep talking, getting fucked like this, but she tries, whispering, “do it, do it,” and “more Daddy more” as I come in three, four deep thick thrusts, feeling myself empty into her, gasping, grunting, mouth open, then spent.

I collapse on her a little, breathing hard. I don’t usually come so fast. I hold her close, kiss her face, as the tension drains from me and my heart slows, stops desperately pumping blood to keep up and calms, smiling.

We take a few minutes to hold each other tight and breathe, kiss, relax, then I lift my head, say, “You okay?” She is. I already know. I want to hear it from her, though.

“Yes, oh yes,” she answers immediately. “You know how sometimes I cry and it’s hard and not okay, but sometimes I cry and it’s just release and intense? That’s how it was the whole time. I was fine.”

“Good.” I settle back in next to her.

“I like it when you … treat me like that.”

“Me too.” I know, oh do I know, how lucky I am.

Related:

• Thursday, April 2, 2009 -- My slutty little girl.
• Tuesday, March 31, 2009 -- Her dirty talk got me off. Twice.
• Friday, February 27, 2009 -- What we did on Valentine’s Day
• Wednesday, January 7, 2009 -- A Quick Fuck in a Shadowed Corner
• Tuesday, June 30, 2009 -- Review: Randy, The New Big Cock

Thank you so much to all who voted and all who mentioned me in the promotions … I’m honored and humbled and promise to keep up the sex and erotica writing. I was a finalist along with my fabulous femme friend Essin’ Em and the lovely lady behind Scintillectual, who I don’t actually know, but I’m certainly going to be reading now. Both blogs are excellent. Jeez, I am so glad to see the abundance of butch and femme and genderqueer and queer sex blogs out there! Nearly four years ago, when I started Sugarbutch, there were very few queer sex blogs.

The competition was fierce this year, and the final winners are all heavy hitters. If you don’t read ‘em regularly, you’re missing out.

Best Entertainment: Dorothy Surrenders
Best Humor: Grace the Spot
Best Parenting: Up Popped a Fox
Best Engagement/Wedding: My Big Fat Gay Wedding
Best Feminist/Political: Feministing
Best Personal: Peaches & Coconuts
Best Out Later in Life: Making Space
Best Sex/Short Story/Erotica: Sugarbutch Chronicles
Best New Lesbian Blog: Autostraddle
Best Podcast: The Lesbian Lounge
Lifetime Achievement: AfterEllen.com

Sincere thanks to all who voted, thanks specifically to Kelly who runs The Lesbian Lifestyle. I continue to be amazed and touched by the support for and the recognition of this site and my efforts, thank you so much for being a part of these larger communities of queer, feminist, sex, and gender explorations.

Related:

• Thursday, February 19, 2009 -- Two Lezzys!? Really!?
• Tuesday, March 16, 2010 -- Lambda Literary Nominees Featuring “This One’s Going to Last Forever”
• Monday, February 15, 2010 -- Nominate Sugarbutch for a 2009 Lezzy Award!
• Tuesday, January 12, 2010 -- elust #5: Quiet Holiday Version
• Tuesday, December 29, 2009 -- e[lust] #4: Reconciling Butch Top + Feminist in the Top Three!