Sunday Mercury - Life Coach

Spring clean your skin by taking a Soak

2009-05-16T16:03:29Z

Now that we have seen a few glimpses of the sun we can be assured that summer is well on its way and we need to take our skin out of hibernation and spruce it up ready for others to see and admire!

There is no need to book yourself into an expensive spa for treatments, instead create a spa on your day off where you can spend the day scrubbing, exfoliating and plumping up the skin as well as de-stressing and indulging in long overdue 'me' time.
All the ingredients we are going to use you can find in your cupboard or buy quite cheaply.

Soak Away Your Stress

One of the first things to do and get into a regular routine doing is to take long, once weekly baths.

These soaks should last at least 30 minutes once a week or if you have skin conditions such as eczema or psoriasis then more frequently would be ideal.

Purchase some Dead Sea Salts from the chemist, these originate from The Dead Sea, of course and have long been well known for their healing and restorative powers.

These contain high levels of minerals and small quantities will enter the body through the pores. The salts help to dissolve the surface dead cells which accumulate on the surface of the skin. This eliminates the body's waste and smoothes and refreshes the skin.

Regular salt baths can be incredibly beneficial for the whole body system; the potassium will help with blood and lymphatic drainage and regulate the fluid balance in the body.

Another mineral in the salts is bromide which restores, calms and soothes the nervous system. Gentle detoxification occurs and there is a reduction in fluid retention. Most useful of all salt baths can assist in reducing anxiety and stress and thereby promote deeper sleep patterns.

Before you fill the bath and add the salt do remember to first have a quick shower - you don't want to be sitting in your own dirt! Make sure you have not waxed or shaved beforehand as it will sting! Also make sure the water is warm but not too hot as this will stimulate and dehydrate rather than calming you

Soak for 30 minutes or more and if the water starts to cool just add some more hot water. Just close your eyes and drift off!

Afterwards you don't need to rinse off as the salts remaining on your skin overnight will be beneficial

Wear some warm pyjamas and crawl into a warm bed and you can be assured of a restful sleep. If you have bathed in the morning, make it a relaxing day and try not to do anything too strenuous such as going for a jog as your body will want to be resting after the soak.

Make these soaks a regular thing and you will reap the benefits for both mind and body. It is said that the weightlessness experienced when in a bath triggers off the 'relax' reflex in the brain as it reminds us of the weightless feeling of being safely enchased in the womb!

Dead Sea Salts for Your Mouth

Keep a supply of finely ground salts in a big glass jar in your bathroom
Every day after brushing your teeth, flossing and scraping your tongue clean, add a pinch of salt to half a glass of warm water and gargle to keep you throat and moth clear of infections. You can also dip a wet finger into the salt and then scrub your gums with the salted finger, rinse your mouth afterwards. This will leave your mouth refreshed and invigorated!

Tips for health and well being

2009-04-03T14:08:30Z

The new beginnings and resolutions of the New Year may now be but a dim and distant memory so here are some short and sweet reminders to incorporate into your everyday life to keep you going:

Drink lots of water:

When we are advised to drink this many litres of water a day, just that thought can be overwhelming and daunting. So lets make it simpler and more real. If you drink a tumbler full of filtered water, one for every hour that you are awake, whether that is in diluted juices, water or herbal teas, it will keep you hydrated.

Always remember that when you feel thirsty you are at that point actually dehydrated! Lack of water is energy sapping, can be detrimental to all bodily functions and lead to problems such as constipation, dry skin, headaches and lack of concentration.

You can also be hydrated by eating juicy fruits and vegetables - just try a big slice of juicy water melon in the summer. Bottled mineral water is great too but steer clear of the fizzy variety.

Drinking fluids in between your meals rather than with your food as the water or drinks will interfere with the absorption of the nutrients (especially if you drink tea with your food as it stops the absorption of iron)and upset the digestive process.

First thing in the morning make a mug full of hot water with a squeeze of half a lemon and sip slowly, this help to flush out the mucous build up in the intestines and get things moving!

Sit by a window which looks onto trees or the garden. Just take a few moments before the rush starts to centre and steady yourself.

Eat slowly:

Most of us eat at break neck speed, disconnected from the process of eating. Savour the flavours, textures and taste. Treat this process, of hunger and eating with respect as it is fundamental to your good health and survival. Even if you are rushed always make time to stop what you are doing ( on the PC, watching TV, reading etc) and concentrate fully on eating.

Your digestive process takes a lot of energy so it is important to allow yourself some rest afterwards or just slow down a little and don't do anything strenuous after your meal.

Eat little and often and avoid gut busting meals as they place a huge burden on the digestive process. Blood sugar levels remain more stable when you eat smaller meals and help your body cope better with stress as it reduces the burden on the adrenal glands.

Avoid too many stimulants such as coffee and tea and depressants such as alcohol as they will give you blood sugar level highs and lows, leave you dehydrated, nervy and jittery. Instead try caffeine free coffee substitutes.

Always, Always eat breakfast:

A good breakfast sets you up for the day, fuels your body after the 'fast' during the night. Porridge oats provide sustained energy and essential nutrients needed to fuel your day and keep you calm and stress free. Make the porridge with soya or skimmed milk, add honey and finish off with fresh fruits on top.

Learn to cook:

Many young adults cannot cook a meal from scratch. Processed and ready- made meals, though convenient are packed full of additives, sugars and salt. As well as beneficial for your health, you will also be saving money and discovering the joy and sense of achievement when you cook and then share a well cooked meal. Invite a friend to share in your new skill or get together and share the cooking.

So, take responsibility for your own health, you just have this one body for the rest of your life so you might as well look after it!

Just another bad hair life....

2009-03-11T07:43:42Z

Hair is a vital and symbolic aspect of both our conscious and unconscious lives. Beautiful hair denotes vitality, sensuality, health and sexual potency. For both men and women who lose their hair there can be a sense of deprivation of their life force.

Think of the mighty Samson who fell to his knees when Delilah took the sheers to his mane or the traditional cultures that require women to cover their hair in case men are bewitched by it. In some cultures loose hair denotes loose morals. In the Sikh religion hair has a divine significance and a sense of group and religious identity and kinship.

During the witch hunts in the Middle Ages, women's heads were shaved to render them powerless and during times or conflict and war in the last century women who were deemed 'traitors' for mixing with the enemy were shaved and paraded through the streets to shame them and mark them out as outcasts.

In recent years a lot of attention has been given to the various self harming disorders often characterised by the compulsive urge to cut or harm self.

Trichotillomania, ( where there is an irresistible urge to pull out ones hair, from the scalp and or eyelashes, eyebrows, beard; an increase of tension in the ind and body as the person tries to resist the urge to pull and then gratification or even pleasure as the hair is pulled out ) which falls into the same spectrum as self harm and obsessive compulsive disorders has received little attention even though early estimates indicate that some 2% of the population may suffer.

Research in the USA, found that this is a very shaming disorder more so as there may be visible hair loss and because alongside the disorder there may also be some form of depression, anxiety or an obsessive compulsive disorder as well.

Many of those who 'pull' start in their teenage years often due to some upheaval such as stress at school or conflict at home although there are incidents of those who start just because they were 'bored'

Most mammals have 'grooming habits'; we all touch, play with and fiddle with our hair.

Some babies touch and even suck strands of their hair as they fall asleep and research suggests that there may be 'over grooming' in those who pull.

Over thime the area pulled from become de-sensitised and there is often no pain upon pulling if anything there is often relief and pleasure as endorphins are released.

The habit over time becomes identified and associated with calming the person down - so in times of stress there will be an automatic need and urge to pull.

In research 'hair pullers' have been found to have low self esteem, experience shame and secrecy as they try to struggle to stop pulling and then hide the damage from others.

Many have stated that they felt their whole lives had been destroyed by this disorder as it meant they did not go for promotion or form close relationships with others for fear of being 'found out'

Recovery:
Recovery is more complex than something like smoking where you can 'stay away' from the cigarettes. Your body is always with you. However for ay recovery, getting to know the triggers are the key. So find out when you are most likely to pull, do you sit in a particular position on the sofa, reach with a particular hand, when alone, a certain mood you are in; bored, upset, angry, agitated, under pressure?

Many pullers also have hand and mouth behaviours with the hair, many will search for hours often for just the 'right' hair to pull and then play with the hair through licking or examining it. So others ways of sensitising the fingers and mouth will be needed to replace the old habits.

Some find playing with a rubber koosh ball very helpful. At a deeper level understand the nature of the stress you face and may have had to deal with in the earlier years is also needed. Alternative ways of dealing with your feelings and the stress you face need to be developed and more than all of this the damage over the years to your self esteem needs to be repaired.

Contact me for assistance on recovery so email me on : leaptraining@aol.com
Go onto the Trichotillomania Learning Center website for more info on research www.trich.org

New Year.....New You!

2009-02-06T12:57:07Z

How to achieve more energy, vitality and a put a New Year bounce in your step

If you are feeling slightly drained, jaded and disillusioned after the seasonal festivities and gloomy about the state of the economy fear not, here are some simple and natural tips to put the bounce and energy back into your life and keep the winter blues at bay....and all at very little cost, in fact you have everything to gain....

Don't just wish it....do it!
Researchers have found consistently that people who write down their goals and New Years Resolutions are more likely to achieve them than those who just think or talk about them. So in the first few days of the New Year, find a quiet space, some nice writing paper and write down your goals. Remember that these must be specific, realistic and achievable otherwise your subconscious mind will not accept them. Also they must be written as if it has already happened. So rather than 'I want to be happy and healthy' you should write 'I am so happy and grateful now that I practice half hour yoga every day - I am my perfect weight - 9st and feel full of vitality and energy'
Write goals for every aspect of your life that you want to change; relationship, work, lifestyle, health etc and put the paper in a prominent space in your bedroom, on a wall perhaps where you are likely to see it every day. This will help to keep the goal uppermost in your conscious mind so that the subconscious mind can go about creating everything for you.

Most of us will have some wish to be slimmer or to lose weight but recent research points to more than just a bad relationship with food that can create the bulges around the tummy.

Fear and Stress may be making you fat!
No this is not another excuse but research shows that prolonged fear and anxiety not only wreaks havoc on your mental and emotional health but can also pile on the pounds around the middle of the body - this is the worst place for you to have fat not just that its hard to belt up the jeans but because this is 'visceral fat' which is around the internal organs and therefore dangerous for your health as it affects your metabolism, and disturbs blood sugar and cholesterol levels.

When you are anxious sometimes even at the smallest thought such as 'are the kids safe walking from home in the dark?' or being in a panic about being late for an appointment your body goes in the primitive 'fight/flight mode'. Now we do need this response when we have to jump out of the way of a speeding car or when our ancestors hunted for the woolly mammoth but to be constantly in this mode sends the adrenal glands into overload and the stress hormone cortisol alters the fat storage in your body. If you learn to manage your stress you may become naturally slimmer and healthier, so here are some tips to help you de-stress:

Take five deep breaths - when things get too much for you always 'centre' yourself by taking your attention to your breath. Take in five deep breaths shutting out the world as you close your eyes and visualise your breath going in and out of your body.

Take time to Visualise and Relaaaaxxxxx - we all daydream but in creative visualisation you imagine the chosen scene so vividly that it actually benefits your brain chemistry, mood and well being. Your brain is so powerful that it cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. Practiced for 15 minutes daily it is equivalent to two hours of sleep and can lower blood pressure, reduce anxiety and help control pain. Find a quite space and escape:

1. simply close your eyes and take your awareness to your breathing - take five deep breaths.
2. imagine you are in a beautiful place - an actual holiday you have been to or imagined
3. use all your sense to conjure up the scene, the smell, the heat, the aroma, the ice in the glass of the tall drink in your hand, the perfume of the sun tan lotion on your arms, the sound of the sea....
4. imagine as long as you like, taking in all the details and then bring yourself back and have a good stretch
5. practice every day
( see visualisation)

Put things into perspective - studies at the Mayo Clinic found that people who had an optimistic outlook on life and were 'grateful' lived longer, had a better immune system and were more content than their grumpier counterparts. To practice gratitude: at the end of each day look back and think of five things you were grateful for that day, it can be something small like seeing a beautiful sunset or sharing a laugh with your work colleagues. Practice this every day and you will begin to see the miracles that are happening to you every day.

Never, ever miss breakfast - this is the most important meal of the day and if there is one habit that you acquire this New Year - let it be this one
Researchers have found that people who regularly ate breakfast had better overall health and were slimmer than those who skipped breakfast! Also your blood sugar levels are stabilised after breakfast so you are less likely to gorge on sugary snacks, have mood swings and feel depleted of energy mid morning.
There is nothing better than a good hearty breakfast to set you up nicely for the day and keep your energy levels boosted and no, we're not talking greasy spoon fry ups, sugary cereals, but porridge made with skimmed or soya milk with added fresh pieces of fruit, nuts, raisins or honey for sweetness or try a boiled egg on some wholemeal toast. Even if you have no time to stop at all, grab a banana, an apple and a handful of grapes.

Walk every day - a study conducted at University of Michigan found that going for a walk in the park for an hour was not only great for physical health but also boosted memory and concentration levels. The research also found that walking 'in nature' was more beneficial than walking in the gym on a treadmill or on the busy streets. The theory here is that walking in the countryside creates a restorative response in the mind and helps us to switch off.

It's all about love ...nurture your friendships - having people love and care for you whether it is a partner, parents, sisters or friends. We all need at least one person whom we can be all of our true self with - warts and all - they know our deepest darkest secrets but still love and regard us. Friendships need time, nurturing and attention, so consciously create space in your life to meet up with your loved ones.

Deal with it or let it go - harbouring anger, resentment and grudges towards another can wreak havoc on your mind/body system. If you are angry with someone either challenge it assertively or let it go. Holding on to grudges harms only you. Forgiveness is not to condone or accept someone's behaviour its to release you self from the hurt
Hydrate your body - most of us are walking around everyday dehydrated - symptoms can be headaches, skin problems, constipation and fatigue. Drink up to one tumbler of filtered water for every hour that you are awake.

Get enough good quality sleep -lack of sleep has been shown to increase stress, reduce work performance and concentration, lower immunity and long term may lead to depressive disorders and increase fat around the middle.
At least eight hours of deep REM ( dream) good quality sleep is essential for health,
helping to boost immunity and is one the best ways to look younger. Health guru Deepak Chopra insists that an evening meal should be light and be eaten before 7 pm. You will not digest a heavy meal once you are asleep and a loaded stomach will keep you awake most of the night! Make sure you finish any work at least an hour before bedtime to avoid over-stimulating the brain (and try not to have a TV in your bedroom as watching fast paced programmes, the news or horror films will switch on your fear response.
Stay off tea, coffee and alcoholic drinks in the evening as they will stimulate rather than sedate!

Satisfying love life - releases endorphins and reduces anxiety, it also releases the hormone oxytocin which bonds you to your partner and gives you that loved up feeling! Even hugging someone lowers stress hormones and helps nurture good feelings and trust.

Open your bowels regularly - drink a mug of hot water with the juice of half a lemon first thing in the morning to kick- start a sluggish system and get waste matter moving

Watch comedy films and laugh out loud - good belly laugh will also give your stomach muscles a good work out, tone the muscles in your face and make your eyes shine it also boosts your immune system and produces mood - enhancing chemicals in the body that can help lift depression.
Eat good oils - oily fish, avocados, munch nuts and seeds and take supplements

Give up dieting!
When you starve yourself your body goes into stress and 'famine' mode and the next time you eat your body will 'hang on' to the fat for fear of another famine!

Make time to eat
Cultures such as the French and Italians where food is seen as a way of life and a pleasure rather than 'the enemy' are often shocked at the British attitude to food. They eat and drink more than us and yet have none of the issues with obesity and binge drinking. Make time to eat, never eat whilst walking ( yes really!) and rather than relying on sugar and salt laden ready meals, buy a basic cook book and learn to cook quick and easy stir-frys, wholesome meals, and tasty cakes then invite friends and bring the joy back into eating.

Feed your spirit - according to Age Research Centre in the US people who had a faith were found to be more content, less stressed, less isolated and live healthier and longer. Faith can create a sense of meaning and purpose to life. You don't need to follow a particular religion or believe in God to practice this, just a feeling that you are connected lovingly to others and nature is enough to give create solace and reassurance. Develop a spiritual practice that helps centre you, creates 'flow' completely absorbs such as learning to meditate, tai chi, yoga etc to feel connected to yourself and the world around you.

Never ever become bored with life! - as human being we have an innate curiosity about the world around us - just observe the joy on a child's face at seeing something new. To foster this sense of wonder and awe at the world create opportunities for yourself where you will be learning a new skills, take a risk by coming out of your comfort zones to perhaps travelling to a place you have never been to before or learning a new skill such as a language. Whatever you do, just keep stretching and challenging your mind and feel the joy of achievement.

You may not be able to incorporate all of these into your new life but even if you change one aspect of your life the benefits will be amazing.

Manjit Kaur Ubhi is an accredited holistic therapist, training consultant in human potential development and freelance writer. She has produced and presented a Health and Well-being on Sky TV
Email: leaptraining@aol.com

Ohhh the lurgy.....

2009-01-13T09:21:36Z

This is the time of year when many of us seem to be coming down with colds and flu.
Here are some tips to help you to boost your immune system to protect yourself:

Warm Drinks:

Hot water with a teaspoon of honey (to soothe your sore throat), a squeeze of lemon ( to provide vitamin C and detox the body) and a couple of slivers of fresh ginger root ( to help fight infection, remove catarrh and deal with nausea) will work wonders.

Soothe, calm and warm your body with hot drinks throughout the day.

Your lymphatic system helps to collect and drain bacteria and viruses from the bloodstream and filters them out from the lymph nodes. When your body is fighting an infection the lymph nodes under your ears may swell up. Support your body to drain an overloaded lymphatic system by drinking warm water.

Eat Light Meals:

You may be off the food anyway and that is natures way of keeping your system clear to help fight infection and stress rather than using energy to digest a heavy meal. When poorly eat very light but often to keep your energy up. Homemade soups are best (not the creamy variety though as the dairy produce in those may create more phlegm).

Zzzzzzzzzz:

You may want to do this anyway when ill but if you have trouble nodding off because of the symptoms try inhaling some drops of lavender aromatherapy oil on a hanky or put into a bathwater you can soak in before bedtime. Avoid tea and coffee in the 1 latter part of the day and don't watch scary films or the news in the evening as the increase in adrenaline and fear will arouse you too much and stop you from relaxing and falling off to sleep.

Immune boosting supplements:

If you think that gulping down jugs of orange juice will stave off a cold think again:
if your immune system is low or you are run down anyway no amount of vitamin C will help. Instead take a good multivitamin and mineral supplement all year round.

De-stress: Exercise:

Research has shown that ongoing stress can have a detrimental effect on the immune system. Whilst we may not be able to changes or stop the challenges that life presents to us we can take steps to soothe and calm the nervous system. You may not want to hear the dirty 'E' word but exercise will really enhance your immune strength. You don't have to go the gym but regular walks even in cold weather ( wrap up warm with hats and scarves ) will help to increase endorphins and make you feel calm and restored. Research shows that those taking 30minutes of moderate activity a day ( walking, dancing ) had 35 per cent less chance of catching a cold

De-stress: Meditation

If there is one tip that you incorporate into your daily life from here, let it be this because meditation has been shown again and again to be the most powerful way to soothe both mind and body.

A recent study showed those who took up meditation following a flu vaccine had more antibodies in their system than those who did not meditate. More than this meditation can reduce blood pressure and help fight heart disease. It can also help lift your mood, release tension, let go of small frustrations and anxieties and give you an overall positive outlook on life.

All you really need is 5 to 10 minutes every day, just sit in a quiet space, bring your attention to your breath, take in five deep breaths and focus on yourself, you could count down from 100 backwards or you can say a calming word like 'calm' over and over again like a mantra or just put on a relaxing or classical music CD and drift off.

Conflict at home or at work:

You may not think its possible but if you are in conflict in your relationship or at work your immune system may be suffering. Inability to speak your mind, express yourself or to be heard have a profound effect on the mind/body system. Research shows that being able to communicate and express your self has an immediate effect on the increase of infection fighting cells in the body. Speak to a couples counsellor if there is a communication problem in your relationship.
Learn assertiveness skills to tackle issues at work. Speak to supportive colleagues and inform yourself of your legal rights at work. If you are being bullied seek professional help.

Loving friends and laughter:

One of the best ways to boost your immunity immediately is to be happy! So get together with friends on a regular basis and watch your favourite comedy film or comedian. Laughter releases endorphins, increases antibodies and exercises the core muscles in your stomach area. It also helps release tension from the chest, gives the face muscles a workout and helps you to feels 'safe' and connected.

Gut reaction:

When I was a little girl when my father used to say ' the root of all ill health is in an unhealthy gut' I would roll my eyes and think ' what does he know?'
Well I now know he knew a lot! The main part of the lymphatic system lies in the guts. An unhealthy diet, sluggish bowel movements and constipation can lead overall to a sluggish system. So eat healthy, whole foods, learn to cook from scratch, share long, leisurely meals with friends, and be happy!

And finally....Hug someone!

Obviously not too much of this when you do actually have the flu or cold but on a regular basis it is in your interest to become a 'touchy feely person' as the act of hugging has been shown to lift mood, increase immune function and
give a sense of feeling connected and at ease in the world.

Are your children really home alone?

2008-12-19T12:14:13Z

One of my friends recently discovered that her teenage daughter had set up a meeting with a 'boy' she had befriended on one of those internet chat sites. It transpired, when my friend intervened and rang the 'boy' that he was in fact a 35 year old man who was then insisted that he had done nothing wrong and that it was the girl who had 'done all the chasing'.

Many parents who have no choice but to work fulltime hours, millions of teenage children head home each day at the end of school and may be spending upto three hours alone until one or both parents are home; even then most are then too busy cooking, helping younger ones with home work and generally too busy to give undivided attention or to fully supervise their teenagers.

Most parents do not question that firstly their child needs their internet for homework and secondly that they then have these in their bedrooms. What this create is a sense of ease in parents' mind that their children are doing 'homework' and also keeping off the streets. Unbeknown to them their children may be more in danger in their own bedrooms than they ever were hanging round street corners.

Whilst many children may be adult enough to navigate the health and safety issues and not set the house on fire or run around with sharp knives; the minefield that is the internet includes violent video games, internet porn, alcohol, drugs, chat rooms and most insidious of all, loneliness.

Research reveals children as young as 11 years old felt lonely, worried, upset and sad.
The majority watched TV and went online. In April 2005 a government study found that one in ten teenagers go online to view pornography and also chatting with friends on the chat lines. Experts believe that they have evidence of paedophiles flocking to the chat rooms during the afternoons to take advantage of the children logging on to chat online.

Studies from US show worrying trends when children are left unsupervised or have to fend for themselves. They are more likely to end up smoking, taking drugs, drinking alcohol or have sex at a younger age.

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation found that 99% of 14 year olds drink heavily when unsupervised.

The latchkey experience is not all doom and gloom, research does also reveal that these children grow up with a sense of responsibility, many learn skills in cooking, doing household chores and helping younger brothers and sisters with homework as well as getting on with their own work.

Recent Government initiatives promise that schools will care for children from 8am till 6pm every weekday and during the holidays by 2010, with recreational opportunities as well as help with homework.

Experts advise keeping the PC out of the children's bedroom, make sure it is in the family space where an adult can supervise or at least be vigilant.
Keep an open dialogue with your children about the friends they meet and chat to on the chat lines. If you nag, shame and shout at children they will just become secretive.

Children learn by example, if you get drunk often and yet expect them to behave differently they may lose respect for you. There is always a danger that when they lose that respect for you they are more likely to confide in a friends and peers than in you.

If you children do have to be left home alone make sure you call them on the telephone regularly to reassure them.

When you do get time with your children, make sure you create the opportunity to give them your undivided attention rather than busying yourself with other chores in the house.

Many employers are able to offer flexible working for those with school age children.
Many children have a great deal of excess energy in their body ( hormones etc! ) and this energy needs to be expended through exercise and 'movement'. Unfortunately our sedentary lifestyles and lesser sports activities at school has meant very few children get the exercise they need. Create family outings such as walks to the local woods at the weekend or get them to help walk the dog or to help out walking a neighbours dog.

Love is all we need

2008-12-04T13:24:13Z

Well, here comes Christmas and the New Year festivities and for families, a time of joy, high expectations and celebration but also for many a time of upheaval and strife; often a culmination of held in tensions and angst over the year, unleashed often on Boxing Day or a day or so into the New Year.

Relationships are often pushed to their limits, with solicitors reporting the post Christmas period as their busiest as the enforced togetherness creates the 'cabin fever' necessary to tear apart even the cosiest of pairings.

So what can we start doing now to initiate a more meaningful connection with our beloved?

Yes most of us do live our relationships at a surface level and get connected at the physical levels - such as through sex, renting a house together, raising children together and getting along with each others families or what author Maggie Whitehouse calls our 'tribes'. We watch our parents and the parents of others and TV soaps and come to a rudimentary acceptance or conclusion of what constitutes a relationship.

Love and Tantra Workshop facilitators Joginder and Marketta who are based in Birmingham state that it is often easier to connect at the physical level with our mates but that most of us yearn for the deeper 'heart connection' - we know there is more to love and we want more but then we replace our partner, whom we may have become disgruntled with, for a newer model, only to be even further disappointed once the honeymoon period has worn off.

Osho, legendary teacher and guru believed that when two people marry it is effectively the death of the relationship because they stop trying, they stop thinking, they stop being spontaneous, they start to take each other for granted, things become habitual and they switch off.

Lets get to the basics - you don't need a degree in quantum physics to be able to have sex, even animals do it, it's a survival of the species instinct and our mind-body system is set up to help us to mate successfully, even if we are not in love or care for the other person.

Apart from monkeys, we are the only beings in nature who mate for pleasure (as well as for babies of course! I'm sure it won't surprise you that most of the population arrive onto the planet as a result of 'accidents' occurring during pleasure sex!).

Most of us have grown up with all sorts of hang ups and sometimes contradictory conditioning about sex - from parents, our religion, our peers and the media. Some people may have had a traumatic experience that may make them unable to connect deeply with another in adult life or some may have been caught, either in solo activity or with someone else. For many sex and masturbation were seen as 'dirty'

As these issues can sometimes rob you of a harmonious love life it is very healthy to seek psychological support such as therapy or counselling to help deal with these before they start to contaminate your relationship

Joginder states that the key to harmonious love and sex is to:
Always see your partner as if you are seeing them for the first time - familiarity and routine is the death knell for any relationship- so being in the moment or very present to your partner is a must. In order to achieve this you must let go of 'this works for her/him' and meet each sexual or love encounter as if it is happening for the first time

Always have what's called 'conscious sex' (yes you know what I mean; no more stumbling in the bedroom completely drunk and in the morning wondering what or whom you've slept with!) at times it may feel as if sexual urges are an itch that you just have to scratch in any way possible but make sure you don't dishonour your partner in doing so - quickies are fine as long as you both are okay with them.

Always see love and sex as a sacred act and as an expression of joy and love for yourself and the other

The spark and fire of love is ignited in the day to day life that you have with your partner so don't expect her to jump lovingly into bed with you if you treat her in a disrespectful manner during the day.

Marketta remarks Tantra teaches that the key is always about being equal, respectful and kind to your partner - in an esoteric sense to 'embrace the divinity' within each other.

One of the most beautiful Tantra practices is to put your hands in prayer position and bow to your partner and give her/him a single flower and accept the flower that they give you. This sets the scene for mutual openness and ignites the love energy within you both (makes you horney or it may make you laugh which is just as good!)

When connecting see your partner as if you are seeing them for the first time; with that same desire, intrigue, lust, love, anticipation, flirtation and play

Tantra teaches about communicating openly during sex about what you want and what turns you on. Communicating and ability to talk about sex and love outside the bedroom is also required to help increase the intimacy.

However this level of honesty and openness can only happen if each person has good self esteem. Some people may be embarrassed and perhaps even fear that some of their needs may be odd or not acceptable.

Many men who are introduced to sex through porn often are at a loss when they realise that majority of women reach orgasm through non-penetrative sex!
In this case a woman who is sure and comfortable with her own body can gently teach her man what to do; always without denting his ego too much of course!

Also connecting, being fully present, so that nothing else exists for you both whilst you are together. Love is all about play, seduction and the joy of what your mind/body/spirit is capable of achieving so use all the senses so that there is face to face talking, use taste, smell, look, eye contact, sounds to all add to raising the energy required to increase the desire and to then be able to completely let go and surrender to your partner and the orgasm.

Be receptive to each other, be kind, take the risk to lower your defences and be fully 'unmasked' with your partner, Osho states that if you are secure in yourself you can take the risk to be fully vulnerable with the other because you know that if you are betrayed or hurt it does not really matter, you will be fine. The issue is that in taking the risk you avail yourself to the possibility of being deeply, deeply loved.

In Tantra, your joy, your security, your ease starts with you; you cannot wait or blame someone else for your happiness or misery. Marketta remarks that at any given time 'we are always with the perfect partner for that time' and it is for us to look for the lessons in the relationship we find ourselves in. if you feel disconnected from your loved one ask yourself what may be going on in you that may be creating the issues in your relationship.

Relationships are dynamic and always changing. There are always challenges along the way, from work commitments, to additions to the family such as children or losses such as bereavement.

All these will have an impact, nothing ever remains the same.
Tantra teaches that rather than being fearful of change and upheavals open up to it and communicate.

Surviving hardship and difficulties can forge a powerful bond ensuring commitment, loyalty, shared goals and shouldering responsibilities.
However in the daily drudge of daily life your love and sex connection can be 'put on the back burner' and many relationships have died as a result of losing this connection. Joginder advises making a date in your diary for love sessions. The planning, the wait, the build up in anticipation stokes the fires of passion!

What Men Want: to be admired, valued, seen as being the best ever, thrill of the chase, play, to be worshiped, teased, feel they have satisfied their partner, seduced, take charge, to be taken care of, be passive/dominant, feel amazing when their partner is able to completely let go with them, feel respected, heard, listened to, they are visual, so get that Ann Summers baby doll night dress now!

What Women Want: to be supported, admired, made to feel special, engaged with their mind, given total attention, worshiped, may want gentle and rough play, appreciated, held, made to feel safe and protected, seduced, seducing, be passive/dominant, feel respected, heard, listened to

Position of the Week: both lying on your side, face to face, him between her legs
(missionary position but on your sides) this give access to all the erogenous zones, all the senses and you can have intimate chatter.

Joginer and Marketta hold workshops for singles and couples in Birmingham from Dec 2008

Contact them on : www.moseleyholisticcentre.co.uk
0121 449 4086

Winter blues halts tantra techniques

2008-11-25T21:22:31Z

Well I had intended to write further about the love and tantra workshops run by a beautiful couple I met a few weeks ago ( Joginder and Marketta ) but that will have to wait as I have been surprised by the number of people I know who are complaining about how the dark evenings, shorter days, changes in weather and lack of daylight is affecting their mood. So the love blog will have to wait till next week; as in true tantra fashion - delayed gratification is so much more satisfying!

I was surprised to learn that one person in 50 in the UK suffers from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) commonly known as winter depression. Most of us may feel the low mood as less light reaches the brain but those with the actual disorder may experience the following symptoms:
* lethargy,fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine
* over-eating - craving carbohydrates and sweet foods, weight gain and sluggishness
* depression - misery, loss of self esteem, hopelessness, despair, apathy, loss of feeling, guilt
* anxiety and panic feelings
* loss of libido and avoiding physical contact
* social problems - avoiding contact with others, irritability
* sleep problems - over sleeping, difficulty staying awake, early waking and sleep disturbances

The causes are not fully understood but lack of exposure to day light appears to be the root cause leading to all manner of biochemical imbalances.

The sleep-wake cycle is affected th rough an increase in the hormone melatonin, altering the mood by lowering serotonin levels.

SAD is known to affect people from September to April and symptoms worsening in December to February but most report their symptoms disappearing in the Spring.

This disorder appears common in the Northern and Southern hémisphères and is extremely rare with those living closer to the Equator where day light hours are long, constant and bright.

Light therapy has been proven to help in 85% of cases. Sitting in front of a special light box giving out 10,000 lux, for as little as 30 minutes a day can reverse the symptoms within two weeks

Those living in the city, who are surrounded by tall buildings, who go to work early and in the dark and then return home in the dark are more at risk. In these situation where normal exposure to outdoor light is not possible a small light box that sits by the computer can boost the mood.

Those who find it hard to manage the recommended 30 - 60 minutes a day in front of the light box can opt for a 'dawn simulator, which sits next to your alarm clock and simulâtes a natural sunrise.

Even on a dull day try and go for a walk

Counselling is known to help to accept the disorder and create strategies to help manage the symptoms

Those with severe symptoms occuring every year may need medical treatment
www.sada.org.uk

Light boxes from:
www.lumie.com
www.healthyhouse.co.uk

This is love... but not as we know it?

2008-11-14T12:02:21Z

Following last weeks blog to help to turbo charge the quality of your connection with your partner through raising awareness of your own breath and linking your breath to your partners.

I've been contemplating the nature of relationships again. Well as you might remember that I do have a vested interest in this question as I am right in the middle of 'the divorce' right now.

Most of my great friends will no doubt experience 'divorce fatigue' soon and start to avoid me! Choosing perhaps to watch the couples saga on the soaps rather than mine - trust me I'm fatigued myself!

I must say I was rather comforted at the reports of Madonna's marriage breakdown and its inevitable fallout. It got me thinking really, it appears that at the beginning the very thing that attracts us too someone ends up being the very thing that tears us apart. I'm sure Madonna loved Guy's irreverence and macho stance and now has referred to him in a coded way, as being 'emotionally retarded'. I'm sure he loved her maturity and independence and now he sees her as 'old' and 'never home'

Psychotherapists have long reported that our traditional notion of love and marriage are outdated. Relationship experts Seane McGee and Maurice Taylor believe that people have for so long been 'hypnotised' into believing that love and intimacy is instinctive and that love should be enough.

So really there is no 'heading off into the sunset' on your wedding day but really that in order for the relationship to survive you have to become relationship 'literate'. There is also a belief that whilst one on three marriage fail in the UK, many suffer in miserable marriages.

Many studies have point to the effect on the mind body health as a result of continual conflict experienced in many relationships.

Therapists McGee and Taylor point to three core skills; 'emotional literacy, deep listening and conflict resolution' which once mastered may allow you to true intimacy, trust and growth in your relationship.

Emotional Literacy

When we enter a relationship we are never 'empty' but full of the years of experiences we have had so far.

So we expect our partner to make us feel happy, good, worthwhile, etc. what is really happening here is that we arrive at this juncture expecting them to make up for all the deficits from our upbringing.

If our needs are not met in childhood we hold that yearning in us, unconsciously, and hope that the love of our life will make up for it or fix it for us and of course when they are unable to do that we see that as them having let us down.

We really do look for our mothers or fathers in our adult lovers! If that's made you feel yuk! Really think about the person you are with right now and their qualities, both good and bad.... Yes I married my father too...!

So whilst you may be arguing with them about dirty socks on the floor ( forgetting that he does the ironing, cooks all the meals and brings you tea in bed every morning ) the underlying fear might be ( unconsciously ) that you will end up like 'master and slave' similar to your parents' marriage.

The more awareness you have about what your inner unmet needs are the more you can consciously stop projecting them onto your partner.

Deep Listening

When facing conflict most of us go into one of three modalities, 'the child, the critic, the adult. The only true place to be on this triangle is the 'adult'

as it is the only modality that has self awareness. When we argue the child mode appears and we often yell 'stop nagging me, I don't care what you think!' the critic appears when we then belittle or demean the other ' you're so stupid, how many times have I told you... you never do things properly!' when angry we can be incredibly disrespectful and hurtful and not surprisingly experienced over the years this can be the death of a relationship.

Conflict Resolution

The key is to verbalise a gripe, say how it saddens you, what your fear is and ownership of your fears and feelings and empathy for both standpoints. For example;

' I feel angry when you leave the old tea bags in the sink, I feel sad that you think I'll just pick up after you. My deepest fear is that you don't respect me and are just using me like my father used to use my mother.

I accept responsibility for being too obsessive about the sink. I do understand that you were in a hurry this morning and the bin was very full. Resolving a row: the person who is not in full rage should say 'time out' and say you are leaving the room and will continue a little later.

Get back together after a cooling off period and discuss how to proceed in a more adult way.

McGee and Taylor 'Ten Laws of Love'

1 Chemistry - sexual exclusivity, best friend and lover to your partner

2 Priority - put your partner above all others - guys...even your mother

3 emotional integrity - not scapegoat your partner for your own insecurities

4 deep listening - really hearing, not interrupting and really understanding

5 equality - men and womens brains are wired differently but we can still respect and accept each other

6 peacemaking - forgive, as an act of love for yourself and the other

7 love thy self - your partner cannot make up for your defects

8 passion in life - have your own independent goals, your individuality

9 leaving - always remember you are in this relationship voluntarily

10 transformation - the willingness to learn the above rule and act by them

Seana McGee and Maurice Taylor's book:

' The New Couple: why the old rules don't work and What Does' published by Harpercollins; USA

Tantric sex secrets to perk up your love life

2008-10-31T06:00:00Z

In our body-obsessed culture, the physical is given importance over inner values. In love, it's about the rush to attain the gold medal for being fastest to the 'Big O' and having had the most conquests.

Most men and women grow up learning about sex from TV, magazines and porn, where bodies are treated just as objects.

Women are said to looking for the men with big 'members'. Men are said to be looking for the tightest butts and the most pert breasts.

In the music videos teenagers consume with great ease, women are merely 'wallpaper' with no hint of them having an identity or being individuals.

Perhaps we should look to tradition to help to reconnect with that dearest of needs and the most primitive of urges - SEX.

Most will have heard of Sting, who apart from singing is believed to practice the Eastern art of Tantric sex.

Many of us have a crude awareness of it, most commonly that there are acrobatic positions and that the act can last for hours - giving us the joke of one position called 'the plumber' which is where you stay in all day but nobody comes!

Suffice it to say, these notions are over-simplified. The core aspect of tantric sex is the development of the closeness and bond at the deepest level with your partner through respect, yearning, love, reverence, play, exploration and connection through the breath and the body energy.

Rather than a physical act ,sex is seen as a way of attaining spiritual unification with your partner. So if you want to create a deeper and more meaningful connection with your partner, here are some simple techniques:

CREATE A SACRED SPACE

Many couples treat the bedroom, where most of the action takes place, as an office and TV room - some have lap tops and even their PC in there.

Many have a piece of gym equipment such as an exercise bike (often with cobwebs and clothes draped over it!).

These distractions do nothing to light the fire so, get rid of the TV, work-related paraphernalia, and exercise bikes. The primary aim of the bedroom is for love and sleep - hopefully in that order!

The room should be clean and tidy: no dirty laundry on the floor, no mouldy coffee mugs on the dressing table. Pictures and ornaments should depict couples or 'pairs'.

The 'killer' of love and intimacy occurs when there is the loss of mystery.

In initial courtship finding out about who your lover is can be exciting and compelling, but after a while you know all there is to know about them and although you have seen them at their best you have now also seen them at their worst.

Early morning bad breath, belching, grouchy, smelly ... you get the picture.

So in order to keep some of the mystery, girls, make sure you don't bleach your moustache in front of him. And guys, keep the windy noises to a minimum or at least out of her earshot.

The biggest love organ - steady - is the brain! So anticipation and building up to making love is needed. Your imagination and the build-up all adds to the charge and electricity ready to be unleashed.

Rather than chasing the 'Big O' as fast as you can, aim to increase bonding and intimacy through 'worshipping' your partner. To do this here's an amazing breathing technique to help connect you at a heart level to your beloved.

DO IT YOURSELF

In order to get used to this way of breathing, practice with yourself first:

1. On your fully clothed body, place one hand on your heart and the other on your genital area.

2. Close your eyes. Empty your lungs by breathing out.

3. Take a deep breath in, visualising you are breathing in through your genital area and drawing the energy up from inside your body to your heart area.

4. End the in breath at your heart and hold for three seconds, focussing your attention at your heart.

5. Breathe out. sending your breath down to your genital area. Practice for five more breaths.

6. You are now ready to practice with your partner!

TWO'S COMPANY

1. Stand or sit on the floor in front of your partner, fully clothed.

2. Put your hands in prayer position and bow to each other (this is optional).

3. Start by just holding each other's hands and gazing into each other's eyes.

4. Take your right hand and put it gently on your partner's heart area.

5. Both inhale at the same time, imagining you are drawing your breath up through your genitals and into your heart area.

6. As the breath comes into your heart area, hold the breath for three seconds, then breathe down into your genital area and out through the base of your spine. Repeat ten more times

7. Proceed to the next exercise!

HEART TO HEART

1. Start as before, face to face and with right hand on each other's heart. Gaze into each other's eyes.

2. Breathe in and imagine your partner's breath from their heart going into your heart.

3. Breathe out and imagine your breath going into their heart. Continue for 10 more rounds.

4. As they breathe in your heart breath, you breathe in their heart breath.

5. Repeat until you feel ready to start making love!

HEARTWAVE

1. To create a greater sense of connection the man can sit on a chair or on the floor while the partner sits astride on his lap with her legs wrapped around his waist (clothes optional!).

2. As before, breathe out of your heart and into your partner's heart. Imagine your breath going into their body, down their centre body into their genitals, and across into your genitals. As you breathe in, pull the energy into your heart.

3. A circuit is created and the sexual charge builds up. Repeat until you are ready to continue love-making.

You may not have reached your destination in record time, but by including some of these exercises into your repertoire you may end up having greater closeness and respect for your partner and for yourself.

Taking the time and making the effort to create variety and fun into your routine will create greater levels of intimacy and take the art of love-making to another level.

Now take another deeeeep breath...

2008-10-18T16:20:04Z

Moving on from the blog last time on the importance of the breath I thought it would be good to look into this in more depth and perhaps include some exercises that I often share with my clients to help them to take more control of their mind body state.

As we shared earlier we take for granted this most profound life force in our body.
In the East at the core of all yogic practices is breath control ( known as Pranayama) although in its translation to West with the help of the likes of Madonna, yoga has been regarded more for its physical health benefits above the mind body spiritual aspects.

Deep breathing is known to help nourish the physical body, helping to keep every cell properly oxygenated and enable the functions of metabolism and elimination.

Proper breathing helps concentration, enables greater clarity and awareness to deal with quite complex situations without becoming overwhelmed or stressed. It also creates emotional stability through a balance between the two sides of the brain

The right side of the brain processes your emotions, intuition and is the 'feminine centre' whilst the left side is objective and logical and the 'masculine centre'

By calming and controlling your breath you will be able to focus, manage your emotions, balance your mind and sharpen your mental abilities.

Yogis are known to practice for hours a day and perform extraordinary feats of control by slowing down the breath and heart rate until they are virtually undetectable.
So whilst most of do not have the time or the inclination to do this we can benefit from learning some of the techniques which we can incorporate into our daily routine:

Full Yogic Breathing:

Sit comfortably on a cushion on the floor cross legged if possible or if not on a chair with your feet flat on the floor

Put one hand on your ribcage and the other on your abdomen
Inhale slowly, feeling the abdomen expand first and then the ribcage and feel the air filling the upper chest

Hold the breath in the body for three beats

Then exhale, allowing the air to leave from the lower lung first then the middle then the top part

Hold the 'emptiness' for three beats

Then inhale again into the abdomen, middle then upper chest

Hold the fullness for three beats

Exhale from the lower, middle then top part

Repeat this simple but extraordinary breathing technique on a regular basis, every single day and see how it clears your mind, soothes your nervous system, can help lower your blood pressure, slow down your heart rate, lower your anxiety and make you feel alive and energised!

Abdominal breathing:

Lying flat on your back, place one hand on the abdomen to feel it rising and falling and close your mouth and breathe gently through your nose. Make sure you use the diaphragm by drawing the air into the lower parts of the lungs

The breaths should be deep and slow.

Alternative Nostril Breathing:

This is a very popular exercise that can very quickly balance your nervous system, slow your heart rate and help you feel calm and centred after only a few minutes.

This practice also helps create a wonderful synergy between the left and right brain hemispheres.
Use it to prepare you for meditation or for as refresher any time during the day

*Sit up straight, with you left hand on your knee
*Place your right hand against your face
*Let the thumb close your right nostril, the index and middle finger will rest against your forehead in the middle of your brow and your ring finger goes across the nose to close the left nostril.
*Close your eyes or lower them to gaze softly ahead
*Close your right nostril with your and breathe in through the left nostril
*Release the right nostril and close the left with your ring finger
*Breathe out slowly and then in again through he right nostril
*Then open the left nostril and close the right and breathe out
*This is round one
*Do about six rounds
*Then breathe naturally
*Then repeat a few more times

Avoid doing these exercises straight after a meal as when the stomach is full it presses against the diaphragm and you might end up breathing out more than just stale air!.

As you go about your daily life always keep your spine straight and stretched whether you are standing, sitting, kneeling, walking or lying down as this will allow the free flow of energy and air and maximum expansion of the lung.

What is anxiety?

2008-10-14T09:13:47Z

What is anxiety?

Everyone experiences some fear or anxious feelings and is often a normal response in stressful or challenging situations. However some people tend to feel anxious or afraid even when there is no potential threat or danger. When feelings of anxiety begin to control and interfere with normal life it is often known as an anxiety disorder which affects 1 in 10 people in the UK. When anxiety is occurring there are a range of symptoms due to the fight or flight response.

What is the 'fight or flight' response?

When experiencing excessive stress whether from external harm or internal worry an automatic reaction is triggered called the 'fight or flight' response. This is a hard wired primitive response originally discovered by physiologist Walter Cannon (1929).

Physical symptoms of 'fight or flight' response

• Dry mouth
• Sweating
• Rapid heartbeat or palpitations
• Shortness of breath
• Difficulty in swallowing
• Dizziness
• Shacking
• "jelly legs"
• Nausea
• Butterflies or 'rush' due to adrenaline release
• Diarrhoea

Consequences of being in perpetual 'fight or flight' response

• Feeling upset
• Feeling worried all the time
• Insomnia
• Feeling tired
• Quick to get angry
• Irritable
• Lack of concentration
• Feeling out of control and detached from your environment
• Being hyper-vigilant (always on the look out for danger)

Long term consequences

• Worthless
• Hopeless
• Negative feeling towards oneself
• Low self-esteem
• Anxiety starts to control your life i.e. you may not go for that job interview or you stop socialising with friends
• Feeling isolated and alienated from others
• Heart and blood pressure problems
• Digestive problems such as IBS and stomach ulcers
• Burn out
• Thinking is distorted and fear is exaggerated

This response corresponds to a gland in the brain called hypothalamus which when stimulated during an actual or perceived threat or attack creates a sequence of chemical releases that activates our body for fighting or running away. If the body is in 'fight or flight' over prolonged periods this can have a detrimental effect on mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.

Why does Anxiety Occur?

Learnt response:

There are only two fears that humans are born with, load noises and the fear of falling, all others are learnt (which means that they can be unlearnt). Adults who suffer from an anxiety disorder may have had parents who were also very anxious or suffered from anxiety.

Lifelong adversity:

Those who have experienced life long adversity and trauma are more likely to suffer from anxiety. It has been found that experiencing three types of traumas such as death, divorce or job loss all within one year is likely to increase the chances of developing an anxiety disorder.

Life changing experiences:

Anxiety disorders can occur due to changes in situations and emotional challenges such as:
• Leaving home
• Starting a new job
• Relationship breakdown
• Sudden bereavement

Mental illness:

Anxiety can also be a symptom of other health problems such as:
• Alcohol dependency
• Substance misuse
• Depression
• Withdrawal from long term medication, such as tranquillisers

Control your anxiety NOW:

Distract yourself - do ANYTHING that will take you out of your self:

At home: vacuum, mop or polish the floors, mow the lawn, weed the garden; wash the car, clean the fridge or cupboards, talk to or phone a friend to offload, watch a funny film ( laughter releases endorphins, regulates the breath and creates a sense of well being and feeling safe )

At work: get up from your desk and go for a walk onto the next floor, speak to a colleague and ask about what they are doing so your attention is off your self, use a stress ball which you keep in your drawer, look at the sky or tops of trees from your office window for a few minutes, put a few drops of lavender oil onto a tissue and sniff.

In your car, sing at the top of your voice, listen to your favourite or classical music. out and about: repeat an affirmation to yourself such as ' I am calm and I am safe',
try the 7-11 breathing technique ( breathe in through your nose slowly to a count of 7 hold for a count of 3 then exhale through your mouth to a count of 11) the aim here is to exhale more than inhale in order to balance the carbon dioxide levels in the blood which may have lead hyperventilation due to over breathing ( one of the symptoms of anxiety attacks ).

When we are engaged in all of the above activities our brain waves move from the normal harassed beta waves into alpha which is the first stage of a meditative state. Eventually your brain will begin to associate your onset of anxiety with the helpful distraction activity and enable you to become calmer much sooner
Routines and rituals can be powerful stabilizers and soothe the nervous system however it is problematic when it becomes an obsession (see OCD).

Alternative strategies for creating ongoing well being to combat anxiety

- reduce tea/coffee and caffeine laced drinks as they will give you quick surges of energy but also plunges in blood sugar levels leaving you stripped of energy and vitality. As an alternative drink green, camomile or fruit teas which have very little or no caffeine.
Do not drink tea or coffee after 5pm otherwise the caffeine will
buzz you up and keep you from falling asleep

- Make sure you are drinking the required eight glasses of water or liquids a day as dehydration can cause heart palpitations and increased pulse and this may be misconstrued as an anxiety attack.

- have a warm milky malt drink before bedtime. Milk contains a chemical called tryptophan which tells the brain to sleep!

- reduce your intake of alcohol. While it initially reduces stress and lowers inhibitions, longer term alcohol abuse causes depression, mood changes and overall damage your health.

- eat more 'mood foods' such as lettuce, celery, oats, bananas, tofu, eggs and beans which will keep the blood sugar levels even and increase your intake of omega fatty acids which is 'brain food' and normalises brain function and regulates brain glands. These can be found in oily fish such as tuna, mackerel and salmon, raw nuts and seeds.

- explore gentle herbal helpers such as Bach flower and Rescue remedies from health shops and large chemists

- as humans we have been created and formed 'in liquid' so water has a powerful soothing effect on our nervous system. The skin is a sensory organ so being in water ( unless you have a water phobia) can create a sense of feeling safe and being 'held' and supported. So take long baths in Epsom or Dead Sea Salts to reassure and comfort. Swimming will also create a similar effect.

- if you are unable to book yourself in for a massage, simply stroking your arms, hands and feet with olive or almond oil can relax an anxious mind. In a recent study, premature babies who were gently massaged by their mothers put on more weight and were more active than babies who were left in their incubators and only held during feeding.

- if your mind is too busy before you get to bed ' I must remember to do this and make sure I've done that...' keep a writing pad beside your bed and write down all the things you need to remember
for tomorrow or any other commitments. This is a great way of taking 'things out of your head' and to help you to sleep.

- Keep your brain cells rejuvenated by challenging yourself all the time. Come out of you comfort zones because each time you learn something new you build neuro- pathways in your brain which is the equivalent of building stamina in your body.

- Your body is a dynamic organism. Just as we service our cars regularly so our bodies too need constant care and attention.
If you are anxious you will have too much adrenaline in your body. One of the best ways of expending this energy is to exercise. Brisk walking every single day can be one of the best ways of achieving this
vigorous, cardio vascular sweaty exercise ( for 30 minutes ) it also releases the 'feel good' hormone endorphin which is a great mood leveller, reduces anxiety, motivates and energises.
Dance, cycle, salsa, jog and walk

- if you practice meditation regularly it will de-stress, calm and help an overactive mind to settle and turn inwards. This recharges the batteries, improves the powers of concentration, increases physical stamina and enables optimum brain to function. Meditation can help relieve stress and if it is practiced daily you will find that you are able to think more positively and clearly and be at peace with yourself.

There are many different ways to meditate, however the method shown below is a an easy and effective way to start meditating.

Simple Meditation

• Find a quiet place where you will not be interrupted
• Place a lit candle on a low table
• Sit in a crossed legged position (3feet away from the table)
• Look at the flame of the candle for approximately a minute, trying not to blink
• Now close your eyes and visualise the flame placed between your eyebrows
• Try and focus on this image for at least one minute
• Repeat this sequence about three to five times, and try to increase the time of visualisation to three minutes

If your mind starts to wander, do not try and force your mind to be still as this will trigger the activation of other brain waves. Become aware that your mind has wandered and gently bring it back to the visualisation, breath or mantra.

If you want you can also repeat a personal mantra each time you inhale and exhale. Examples of mantras that can be used are: 'calm', 'safe', 'happy' or the mantra 'OM'.

Yoga

The word 'yoga' means 'union' and is an ancient system of health
based on the belief that the body and breath are connected to the mind and by holding the postures and controlling the breath harmony and health is restored.
Mental benefits: calmness and clarity, greater confidence and a sense of centeredness and well being, increased awareness of the self, counters depression and anxiety and creates more self acceptance.

Physical benefits: better sleep, increased natural energy and vitality, greater flexibility, stronger immunity, reduction in blood pressure.
Join a local class

Emotional well-being:

We are essentially social beings and have a need to be with others. Research has shown that those with good family and community networks appear to have better mental health. People in loving relationships whether that is a partner, children, sisters and brothers, parents or friends often experience less isolation and anxiety. Having someone to turn to when in a crisis or knowing that someone loves and cares for you can foster a greater sense of trust and safety in the world.

- Relationships are dynamic and organic so need to be nurtured and tended to like a living thing. Take the risk and call neglected friends, make time every month to meet. Support your friends and family. Lower your expectations of people, they cannot 'be everything' for you so take what they have to offer.

- although not every friend or family member may be able to help you do not be afraid to tell them if you are struggling or have a problem, most will have been aware that you may have had some issue and may be able to access support for you from professionals if you have felt unable to do this for yourself. Many people may very willing to help.

- Join an evening class that will both unlock a creative part of you, such as pottery, art or dance class and help you make new friends

- Join a support group that is specific to your disorder. Being in a group with others who may have had similar experiences can help you to feel less stigmatised and less alone, it can also give you a sense of belonging and group kinship and foster a sense that people understand and accept you.

- we live in a 'consuming' world and there is great pressure on everyone to keep up. Learn to keep things in context, rather than feeling bad about the things that you do not have take a look and appreciate what you already have in abundance and which you may be taking for granted such as a good job, safe environment, caring friends, a friendly neighbour, a loyal pet.

Tip: To Practice Gratitude

At the end of each day think of at least five things that happened that day that you are grateful for such as meeting a friend for lunch, seeing a beautiful sunset, sharing a joke with your colleagues, hugging someone you love, hearing your favourite song on the radio. As you do this on a regular basis you will begin to see the small miracles happening every day in your life.

'There is nothing else but the breath...'

2008-10-03T12:02:44Z

We in the so called civilised societies spend an inordinate amount of time, energy and worry over the external, physical, material aspects of our lives; the right car, the right house, the right look, the tightest butt, the most pert breasts etc etc so much so that children as young as five and six years old are preoccupied with their looks and when little girls were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up a worrying number said 'glamour model'

In this relentless search we loose sight of the greatest obvious, the very core of our existence - the breath. It is apparent when we are born, everyone in the birthing room holds their breath until the newborn gasps and takes in the very first breath and rightly so at the point of death everyone holds their breath again as the dying person takes their last breath. So how come such a loyal companion, so core to our life could be so taken for granted?

Chris Mooney Shihan, 6th Dan Aikido instructor and Body Oriented Coach, believes that we learn bad breathing habits as a result of holding the breath or shallow breathing when faced with frightening or fearful events often in early life.

'Its important to remember that in life there is a natural process, we take in, receive and absorb the 'world', oxygen, energy, ki, chi, prana whatever you want to call it and then we let go, release, empty the body; this perpetual in and out is so necessary to our mind body experience.'

Chris helps people to understand the nature of how the 'fight or flight' response can be switched on and does not reset itself unless we do so consciously.

'Constricted breathing and shallow breath can lead to all manner of physical and emotional issues - we feel less, use less of our gut feelings, become anxious, become listless, the cells in the body do not receive fresh energised air and therefore cannot operate at their fullest potential and lead to a lack of energy and life force. Your whole body needs this life force if not the whole organism is not working, it is disconnected and fragmented'

It's a bit like not putting petrol in your car and then wondering why it wasn't moving!

Steps to Breath Respect:

Chris Mooney states that there is no 'right way to breathe' we breathe differently in different circumstances; if we are running, sitting or laughing but one thing is certain 'most of us breathe from the chest rather than from the belly, just look at a child and how they breathe or even a dog their both breathe naturally from the belly'.

Firstly set just a few minutes to yourself, without distractions and lower or close your eyes and just observe your breath, in your minds eye see the air going in through your nostril and then out, don't force it... just observe it.
'Creating this sense of being 'present' and in the body helps us to connect to our deepest nature as most of the time we are fragmented and absent from our selves.'

We are in the office but our mind is at home, going over the argument we had with the partner; we are at home but our mind is on that deadline at work.

Sitting and being with our breath creates that being in the here and now - the traditional cultures call the past and present an 'illusion' and that the only thing that really exists is the present ...right now me writing this and now you reading it.

So be here fully - take in the world and then fully let it go and keep going.

Next practice breathing out and empty your breath from your guts and then fill from the guts too.

To use breath to reduce anxiety and stress:
Breathe in to the count of four beats, hold for four beats then breathe out for four beats and continue for at least five minutes

Practice makes perfect and builds character:
It is important to practice every single day; we have routine for our physical care, so we wouldn't dream of leaving the house in the morning without cleaning our teeth or washing!

Chris advises sitting for five minutes to begin with simply observing the breath and then breathing in and out from the belly; when thoughts pop into your mind, simply become aware of this and bring your attention back to your breath and keep bringing the mind back to the breath ... it really is the only constant in your life so make friends with it!

Chris Mooney Shihan, 6th Dan Aikido Teacher and Body Oriented Coach can be contacted at: mrcmooney@gogglemail.com

Seven Stages of Breaking Up

2008-09-19T12:30:30Z

Well I may as well come clean and admit that therapists have rubbish lives like the rest of the population! I'm going through a divorce myself and whilst working with many individuals over the years going through this baptism of fire I must say actually being 'in it' is extremely painful, debilitating, confusing and emotionally, mentally and physically draining. The analogy of sitting on the roller coaster that never seems to stop is a good one - I really am wondering when and if it will ever stop ( I know now why I've never liked those rides before!)

There is a real sense of the 'rightness' of this course of action for me even though it might not be for my soon to be ex. Over the years we really have grown apart and become very different people with differing wants, beliefs, goals and values. The children who were obviously our focus before have are now needing us less and I suppose one day I must looked at him and thought 'I've lived longer than I'm going to live and is this what I want for the last thirty years or so of my life?' No doubt the answer was a resounding 'NO!'

I can be quite reasonable and accept that there is blame on both sides, I accept my part in it and in no way think I am a bad person or that he is; just that I want more and I have more to do in life and feel I can achieve them if I am not in a continual state of conflict and unhappiness.

As you might guess the norms in my culture are to keep the family unit tight despite and in spite of what may be going on. There is an allegiance to the group and the pressure to 'put up and shut up' are great. However from what I know of other cultures too, there is a similar 'shame' attached, to women in particular who are separated or divorced.

Then there is the case of the children, they are more grown up and therefore able to make a little sense of things but no doubt still buffered, hurt and perhaps even ashamed of our behaviour sometimes. I remember my eldest looking at me in horror when I said we were going to 'give it another try' a little way back.

Well although I wish there were some things I didn't know as sometimes it might be nice to live in ignorance I am grateful for my ability to think in a reflective way about my own behaviour, feelings and actions. Knowledge of the processes us humans go thorough when faced with 'endings' has been helpful.

Family lawyer and author Simone E. Katzenberg in her book I want a divorce? A unique approach to the emotional and legal implications of marital crisis' ( published by Kyle Cathie). Who found that her clients appeared to go thorough particular stages during the divorce process and realised that if these are recognised and feelings are not bottled up then there is hope of recovery and survival.

Stages During Separation and Divorce

Breakdown of the relationship
This first stage can take many years and one person may be feeling it or instigating more than the other - it is in this early stage that interventions such as counselling can help to heal the hurt or damage and the marriage saved. The slow malaise and low feelings of the realisation that things are over can lead to the next stage

Shock

This stage manifests in the slow realisation that things are heading for separation and divorce. You may feel as if you are just trudging through life. There may be a further distancing from your partner, a shutting down of your en=motions, its possible to go into a depression here and important to seek help in needed. Try to give yourself space with the children if you have them, do things that you enjoy, keep in touch with good friends and get counselling or some other type of body therapy which wil help to lift your spirits and make you feel good.

Anger

This is likely to hit you without any prior warning! You may suffer mood swings, have a short fuse. You may blame yourself the next the other person. You may have murderous thoughts about the other person. It is often at these stages that if there any underlying violence in the relationship it may manifest itself in a physical attack. If this is the case it is important to be safe. Take the advice of your solicitor and the police. It is important to remember that it is possible to express your anger in other less harmful or destructive ways. Some people may want to lash out at the children or use them as pawns by denigrating the other person. One person told me her husband told her that if she was lying wounded in front of her he would step over and walk away - whilst it may be his right to feel those feeling it is better that these are expressed in a neutral environment such as in a counselling sessions. Expressing will give you the relief needed for the next stage

Pain

This stage engenders feelings of being wounded, empty, abandoned and rejected; thankfully this is often a short lived stage especially if you are able to talk to supportive friends or counsellor. These empty feeling then lead to

Hatred

Here you may be aghast at what possessed you to be with such a person especially as they wrangle with you over the details of finances, houses, custody of the children or pets. As you fight for months and become battle weary you will fall into the next stage

Grief

You know you are near the end here, you begin to mourn the loss of the life you both had dreamed of. You may stop fighting and let some things go - let him have the sofa he brought. As you shrug your shoulders to some of the things that had driven you crazy a few months ago you reach the final stage

Acceptance

Here you let go and see the new life ahead of you
Of course these stages do not occur in sequence but you may be stuck in one for some time ( years sometimes) or you may go back to an earlier stage.
I'm not too sure where I am but I vacillate between pain hatred and grief at the moment but al I wish for is to let go with love as they say because I honour the 28 years that I spent in this marriage and really nothing terrible has happened to us - just life happened to us that's all

Be still my beating heart.....

2008-09-12T11:17:20Z

In the last few years our understanding and acceptance of the link between mind and body has gathered great momentum. Most of us can remember the case of Sally Clark who was convicted of murdering her baby when justice prevailed and she was released from jail she is said to have suffered from deep depression, mood swings and to have become a virtual recluse in her own home. She went on to die of 'natural causes' at the age of just 42.

The notion that profound stress, grief and trauma can have a direct impact on the heart is now undeniable. Whilst the case above is an extreme example we only need to recall stressful times of our own to know just how debilitating it can be.

A prolonged, constantly conflictual 'bad marriage' or relationship, a bullying boss or burnout from over work, ongoing unresolved and unexpressed anger, anxiety and depression have long been connected with damaging health but the research now points to even mild stress as a precursor to heart problems.

Mother and child union....

The mother and child are intrinsically connected even before birth; the baby's heart beat beats along with its mother. This continues after birth when there is face to face contact with not just the mother but also the father. Just from sensing the breath and the rhythm, the heartbeats become synchronised. The ability of the baby to do this is critical; it lowers cortisol levels in the body, enable the child to feel safe and then later in life help them to form loving connections with others.

So it follows that if the bond is broken at birth for some reason due to perhaps separation, premature birth, mother's depression or anxiety, it is likely to have a massive impact on that adult's ability to deal with rejection, anger, acceptance, separation, love and trust. What this shows how sensitive the heart is and that stressed children are very likely to become stressed adults.

Hot headed, pessimistic, arrogant, quick to anger?

If you have these traits you are likely to send your nervous system into overload practically all the time. Researchers found even those who were worriers or felt hopeless were at greater risk of not just heart problems but also depression. Many feeling that depressive traits or even just mild depression itself would lead to heart issues. They found that when introverts were given tasks to complete, even though they were more thoughtful their hearts rhythms were more stressed.

Get a good job...

Stress at work has become a real issue in the 21st Century. Many of us may have experienced this or will know of someone who has had 'Burnout' ( emotional and mental breakdown, physical fatigue and exhaustion) often occurring when a job is perpetually stressful and the pressure is relentless. Dutch researchers recently found that air craft controllers at busy airports had higher blood pressure and faster heart rates than those working at smaller airports. Your job stress can therefore cause long term damage overall health and longevity.

Broken heart syndrome

This is often the stuff of legends and TV weepies; one evening a man in his 50's is brought to hospital having died suddenly of a heart attack in front of his wife. A few days later she is admitted with very similar symptoms. She recovers and goes home, although her symptoms were similar she has no long lasting damage. Doctors claim that this phenomenon often occurs after a sudden shock and is different from the ongoing stress looked at earlier.
What appears to be happening is that the shock sends such a surge of adrenaline that the tiny blood vessels are damaged forcing the heart to shut down.

Heart health tips....

Walk away from a situation, marriage or relationship that is constantly in conflict
Quit a boring or stressful job especially if your employers do not practice the duty of care towards its employees and remember if you blow a gasket your workplace will replace you tomorrow but your family cannot replace you

Resolve and express your anger
Release your anger or pent up emotions - run round the park
Do something every day that's just about you - go for a walk, meditate, talk to good friends, do yoga,
Treat even mild depression by exercise, having counselling, eating well having and creating loving connections with others
Teach your children to deal with their fears and hurts rather than burying their emotions
These small steps could save your life