Sunday Mercury - Lorne Jackson Online

The X-Factor is a good reason not to get married

2009-10-21T11:55:58Z

THERE are many reasons why men embrace marriage.

Cuddles on tap. An excuse to purchase a Pringle pullover, plus a stack of those Golf magazines that pile up in dental waiting rooms. The married man can also move to the 'burbs, vote Conservative with pride and start seriously considering where the kids should be schooled. (Top tip: Don't pick the school where the janitor wears a clown costume, carries a paper bag packed with sticky sweets in one hand... and a child-sized tadpole net in the other.)

But there's one crucial reason for missing out on all that marital bliss.

Once you're married, you have to watch X-Factor. Every Saturday night. There's no getting out of it. You're not even allowed to sit in another room and read the paper.

Because that's not being supportive. Besides, wifey will want to discuss every woeful warbler who struts on the stage, then decides to swallow the microphone whole; something known in the trade as 'smashing it'. (Why would you want to smash a song, anyway? Songs should be petted like kittens; wooed and cooed into supine submission, like a Valentine's date. You smash tennis balls and earwigs that stampede into your kitchen. Not songs. Never songs.)

The best thing about being a single man is that when someone asks him for his opinion of Simon Cowell, he merely shrug dismissively, then says: "Wasn't he the guy that used to play the ship doctor in Love Boat?"

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Well, maybe not always. Remember, the single guy will be out on the pull every week-end. To bag his prey, he must persuade the girl in his sights that he is good breeding stock.

Not so simple.

Because as he talks nonsense to her in one ear, she'll be making the sort of rapid calculations that only NASA computers can equal, when they blast rockets into orbit.

Calculation number 1: Are his shoulder nice and broad, so I can balance on them when he takes me to watch Take That Live?

Calculation number 2: Is his spine nice and flexible, so I can bend it to my will?

Calculation number 3: Is he already losing his hair, meaning his confidence to chat-up other birds will vanish, along with his comb?

Calculation number 4: Can he read, and is he interested in current affairs? If so, will he use these attributes as an excuse to swagger off and peruse the paper in another room, when X-Factor is on?

Yup, guys. Even single girls want to know whether you're willing to at least pretend to be interested in X-Factor.

So, in the spirit of camaraderie with my single brethren, I offer a few educational tidbits regarding the contestants on the current show, to be sprinkled into all club night conversations.

Jamie Archer
The most selfish bloke on the planet. Sitting behind him in the cinema would be more than frustrating. Though not if you remembered to bring along a handy pair of garden sheers, or a grazing Shetland Pony.

Stacey Solomon
That voice, that face... At last we know what happened to Roland Rat after his contract with breakfast TV was terminated.

Danyl Johnson.
I call him the snake. Not because of any trouser or hip action. It's just that in order to belt out the big notes, Danyl regularly dislocates his jaw, like a snake would do if it was trying to swallow a pregnant hippo. Don't knock it. It's more impressive than his singing.

Lucie Jones
Lucie is from a small village in Wales. But what ever you do, don't mention the small village in Wales! Lucie mentioned it once, but I think she got away with it.

Rachel Adedeji
Grace Jones? More like Grace Drones. (Then when she's up for the chop, Grace Moans. And moans. And moans...)

Olly Murs
Are there enough Dermot O'Learys in the world? Simon Cowell doesn't think there is. So he's added a second one to the X-Factor mix.

Miss Frank
When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning or in rain? When the hurlyburly's done, when X-Factor's lost and won. (Actually, just lost. Miss Frank are rank.)

Lloyd Daniels & Joe McElderry
Two for the price of one, here. One is blonde, one is dark. Both so dull you could wrap them round your head and wear 'em as sunglasses. But which is better at singing and simpering? Who cares? It's the bland leading the bland.

John and Edward
Must win. At all costs. So splendidly sinister, they make Hannibal Lecter look like a tofu-chewing vegan.

X-Factor needs to be more erotic like Strictly Come Dancing!

2009-09-25T12:06:39Z

THE allocation of work is pretty fair in my gaff - everything is split fifty-fifty.

I hoover the carpets, cook the meals, dust the furniture, wash the dishes, polish the cutlery, delouse the pets, scrub the decks, splice the main sail...

And dance the sailor's hornpipe.

Meanwhile, the wife chooses which reality programmes to watch.

At the moment it's X-Factor rather than Strictly Come Dancing. A great shame for me, because from what I've spotted on Strictly websites, the women's costumes are skimpier than ever this year.

Clearly the credit crunch has hit undercrackers at last.

Of course, the dresses worn for this 'family show' have always been sparser than a 14-your-old lad's moustache. In the last series, the typical frock didn't even contain enough material to string Dennis The Menace's catapult.

This year, there's not enough material to string the catapult of Dennis's arch nemesis, Walter The Softy.

And, just in case you haven't studied your Beano recently, let me remind you that Walter is a well-behaved little chap.

Who doesn't own a catapult...

Let's just hope X-Factor goes the same way as Strictly, with a hefty helping of erotic teasing.

Although the thought of Simon Cowell trussed up in a thong, then basted in Lurpak isn't exactly appetising...

Congrats to Bob Dylan...

2009-05-08T23:09:26Z

Congratulations Bob Dylan!

Together Through Life, the latest studio album from the 60's legend, is the first major collection of his songs to reach the top of the charts since 1970's New Morning.

I never used to like Dylan, as I didn't understand the lyrics to his more complex songs. Then I realised that he didn't understand them, either. From then on, me and Bob were just fine and dandy.

Although I've had this love/hate relationship with Dylan the lyricist, I've always adored his distinctive voice.

Sure it's a cracked crumble of a croak.

But Dylan was one of the first singers to prove to listeners that ugly can also be beautiful.

If he had been a smooth crooner, minus that gravel groan, he wouldn't have been able to deliver the same sincerity or passion.

The idea that ugly can be beautiful has always rung true with me.

Picasso proved the point in paint.

Tarantino made the case using the medium of massacre.

Even John Prescott has shown that ugly can be beautiful.

Okay, maybe that's going a little too far...

Jade Goody: The tasteless media bandwagon!

2009-03-27T09:43:16Z

IT'S said that everyone alive at the time remembers exactly where they were when they heard JFK had been slain.

I can say the same about Jade Goody.

I was underneath my bed, fingers jammed in ears, hissing the mantra: "I will not be sucked in by the tasteless Jade media bandwagon, I will not be sucked in by the tasteless Jade media bandwagon, I will not be sucked in by the tasteless..."

I'd been doing this for three weeks solid, and only stopped when someone jabbed a well-aimed broom underneath the bed, and released me from my reverie by informing me that the young woman in question was now dead.

Though the story didn't end there.

There was still the mob mourning to contend with.

Strangers making a pilgrimage to the House Of Jade, to sanctify her doorstep with petrol-station petals.

Then there were the comments from the great and the good and the genuflecting. Stephen Fry - smug, though as usual, not as smart as he thinks he is - compared Jade to Princess Di.

True... in a way.

The death of both women brought out the worst in the British public and media.
Don't get me wrong. The premature death of any 27-year-old mother is a tragedy - for her family and friends.

But not for the sickening bunch of strangers laying the reefs, or reading-all-about it in the tasteless tittle-tat mags. They're just grief groupies.

Empty heads with empty lives, getting a high from inhaling the rich fumes emitted by other people's pain.

In a different era, in a different nation, I'm sure those ghouls would have learned to knit, then sat underneath the shadow of Madame Guillotine.

The Reign Of Tragedy or the Reign Of Terror - I genuinely can't see that much of a
difference.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-23T12:02:40Z

Lorne Jackson drinks to forget. To forget that he drinks.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-22T12:02:40Z

Lorne Jackson wonders what Christine Blakley daydreams about while pretending to interview dead-beat celebs on The One Show. Baked potato, tuna and sweetcorn?

Or baked Adrian Chiles, tuna and sweetcorn...

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-21T12:02:40Z

Lorne Jackson knows exactly what the advert means when it says "In Scotland there's so much more going on."

Mugging, glue sniffing, random stabbing, congenial headbutting, getting your first heartattack along with teenage acne.

Did I mention the mugging?

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-20T12:02:40Z

Lorne Jackson wants to know why people always calm down. There's nothing down about calm. Calm up, instead.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day!

2009-03-18T14:10:32Z

Lorne Jackson wishes the babbling voices inside his head would just stop!

Maybe he should take the iPod plugs out his ears, right enough...

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-17T14:10:32Z

Lorne Jackson knows for a fact the aliens have landed. And using the same city centre bus stop as him.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day

2009-03-12T07:54:25Z

Lorne Jackson wants to know why Dexter wastes his time killing other serial killers. He should slaughter smug bankers instead.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day...

2009-03-11T07:54:25Z

After many days of contemplation in a darkened room, Lorne Jackson has come to the conclusion that Samantha Janus's face is an Afghan fighting kite.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day!

2009-03-07T08:43:33Z

Lorne Jackson says every day is Red Nose Day in his house. That's cos he's kicking back on Toilet Duck on the rocks.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day...

2009-03-06T08:43:33Z

Lorne Jackson is glad a gaggle of low-rent UK celebs are climbing Kilimanjaro. At last they'll confront something bumpier and more intimidating than their egos.

Lorne Jackson's thought of the day!

2009-03-05T08:43:33Z

I still have faith that Aston Villa will grab silverwear this season. By nicking the cutlery from the Old Trafford canteen the next time they play Man U.

I also think the Baggies will nab silverwear this year. Bruce Forsyth is donating his toupee.