Sunday Mercury - Telly Talk

Trenzalore, Eurovision and Ian Beale

2013-05-20T09:40:38Z

WHO would have guessed that the best programme of the weekend would be the Eurovision Song Contest?

It was a well-produced show with a great host, witty commentary from Graham Norton, some pretty good songs and enough mad entries (I'm looking at you, Romania) to keep us amused.

It was certainly better than the disappointing Doctor Who series finale, the victim of much excited build-up that we were going to discover a huge secret - and learn the Doctor's name. But we didn't, of course.
At least I don't think so - so much complicated stuff was going on that it might have slipped out in one of the long speeches about the effects of timey wimey travel.

I didn't know what was going on half the time in an episode lacking any kind of logic.
Yes, it was a good reveal at the end when John Hurt appeared, but just who is he? I bet it left most people thinking 'What on Earth (or Trenzalore) was that all about?'.

Then on Sunday night we got the British Soap Awards. It was good that it was screened only a night after the ceremony, instead of the usual four nights, so there was less chance for spoilers.
Mind you, I still think it should be screened live. Soapstars are notoriously lairy when they all get together and it would be much more fun.
Sex and the City's Chris Noth seemed scared by their over-excited reaction, and he's American and so used to such behaviour.

It was definitely Corrie's night, and quite rightly. A week ago, an out-of-touch BAFTA inexplicably named EastEnders as the country's best soap. Yet the only award it picked up at the Soap Awards was a lifetime achievement gong for Adam Woodyatt. I guess in these troubled economic times, someone should be rewarded for managing to hang on to their job for almost 30 years.

Stitches, fudge and spoilers - the 2013 BAFTAs

2013-05-13T08:26:29Z

It was all about the women at the BAFTA TV awards. Colman, Garai, Staunton, Balding, Perkins and Gwendoline Christie (she's the really tall blonde from Game of Thrones) - it was your night.

Olivia Colman showed her brilliant versatility by picking up awards for her gritty acting (Accused) and for her comedy (Twenty Twelve). She came across as genuine and ordinary, at one point swooning "I've just seen Matthew from Friends!" and thanking her parents for babysitting. She told her children she hadn't just sworn, she'd said Fudge.

Colman is suddenly everywhere - she was even starring in the ITV drama on the other side during the BAFTAs - and is our new Clare Balding, who deservedly picked up an award for her Olympics and Paralympics coverage, but is perhaps not quite the national treasure she was made out to be. We haven't forgotten the dud quiz Britain's Brightest.

I loved Romola Garai's outrageously funny comments while giving out an award: "After having my baby, I had the misfortune of 23 stitches in my vagina. I didn't think I'd be laughing for a long time."
Too much information? Perhaps, but it was a shockingly good way to introduce yourself in an evening which awkwardly paired Dermot O'Leary with Jamie Redknapp as award givers.

Imelda Staunton was funny as she hid behind her husband Jim Carter, and Sue Perkins had an amusing Great British Bake Off acceptance speech.

I'm glad Graham Norton won an award for his very witty chat show, which is twice as good as Jonathan Ross's. He's an OK award show host, though he does better when ad-libbing - "if only more people had watched the Olympics" when it lost out in the audience vote to Game of Thrones - than reading a script from an autocue.

The thing which really annoyed me about the BAFTAs wasn't the terrible shortlist for Best Comedy (Cardinal Burns? The Revolution Will Be Televised?) but the fact it wasn't shown live. That meant I knew most of the results in advance, thanks to irritating people on Twitter.

Go on BBC, show it live next year.

Eyebrows, ukeleles and machetes - The Apprentice is back!

2013-05-08T09:29:28Z

There were so many classic, brilliant lines in the opening episode of The Apprentice, series nine, that it's hard to choose my favourite.

"We're going to run like hell to sell these ukeleles!" is definitely up there.

Then there's that classic put-down, "No offence but you're a doctor". Or "I'd like your feedback on my project manager-ship-ism".

And then there were all their ridiculous, self-aggrandising audition claims, like "I'm business perfection personified", "My intelligence is like a machete in the jungle" and the frankly scary "I'm prepared to fight to the death to become Lord Sugar's business partner". Hang on, I don't think that's called for!

The man (sorry, but it's too early to know who half of them are yet) who takes Napoleon as his inspiration should perhaps realise he was beaten in battle and exiled.

First victim Jaz said she was 'half machine' but didn't say what sort of machine. A parking meter? Toasted sandwich maker?

Jaz was done for as soon as she said 'oh man' to Lord Sugar, but it's probably for the best as she would never have been able to keep up the maintenance of her huge hair.

I wonder how glamorous the rest of the candidates will be after several tough challenges, long days and no sleep. I worry that Alex won't have enough time to groom his eyebrows, that Uzma will only have one layer of make-up and not five, and that Karren Brady won't have her very bouffant blow-dry.

I can't wait for the second episode, which looks entertainingly disastrous. "You're all a bloody waste of space," cries Lord Sugar. Exactly, and that's why this series is shaping up to be so enjoyable.

Hospital show is great drama

2013-04-11T11:49:41Z

I briefly turned into Brian Blessed while watching Channel 4's excellent 24 Hours In A&E, which I'm delighted has returned for a new series.

The reason for my booming outburst? The way each episode teases us about the state of health of the people it follows through treatment.

I both love and hate that about the show. They definitely manipulated us into thinking that Suzanne, so cruelly punched in the street by a random stranger, would not survive her dreadful brain injury.

The doctors looked at her scans and pulled faces, talking about how nasty it looked and how they doubted she would survive.

But then, right at the end, up popped Suzanne, looking very well indeed.

That's when I actually shouted at the TV. "She's alive!" I boomed, just like Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon.

I was delighted she was. All it needed was for her then to fall in love with the kind man who had gone to her aid and called 999, and we'd have had a perfect story, fit for a film.

This series has far more drama than Casualty and Holby City put together.

Midlanders are sew good on Beeb's Bee

2013-04-10T09:25:40Z

I am going to confidently predict that a Midlander will win The Great British Sewing Bee.

I'm not going out on too much of a limb, as three out of four of the semi-finalists are from the region. And the other contestant is Stuart, who keeps saying "I know I'm going out next".

He survived this week's round thanks to his inventive flower pockets, but I don't hold out much hope for him.

The three Midland women are all brilliant and any of them would make worthy winners, but I have a soft spot for Wolverhampton hospital cleaner Sandra, who tells it like it is.

I admired her taking a sneaky look at judge Patrick's bum while examining the way his trousers were put together.

Also in the running are Scottish-born Lauren from Moseley, Birmingham and wonderful 82-year-old Brummie grandmother Ann.

Sewing Bee isn't as good as Great British Bake Off - I particularly miss the marquee and the sunny weather, this wintry series seems more grim - but it has its own charm.

There are almost as many double entendres as in Bake Off. No soggy bottoms here, but the judges were heard to say things like "They need something firm enough to handle", "The last thing you want are little nipples in the fabric poking up" and "You've stiffened it which it needed".

I think we can do without the historical segments, which Bake Off had in the first series but wisely dropped.

My only real complaint is that we're moving through the series far too fast. Starting out with only eight sewers and getting rid of two a week means there are only four episodes in all. Let's just hope it returns next year in a longer series.

Always turn left

2013-03-01T10:56:30Z

Fascinating as it is, I wonder whether I can watch much more of The Big Reunion as it's just so emotionally gruelling.

Every week we watch a 90s pop star break down in tears as they remember how they drank, took drugs or had a nervous breakdown.
Or, in the case of Lee from 911, just sat inside with the curtains drawn and played computer games - for a YEAR.

None of these members of pop bands who are reuniting for the ITV2 show seem to have escaped unscathed from their years of fame.
Hardly any of them seem to have enjoyed it - instead it seems to have ruined their lives.
Yet here they are, ready to go through it all again, and even go on a tour which includes Birmingham.

The most amazing fact from this week's episode was that Jimmy from 911 drank ten bottles of wine a day. TEN! I struggle to get down two litres of liquid a day, so how is that even physically possible?

I really felt for Michelle Heaton from Liberty X, in tears over having a double mastectomy. She couldn't even hug her crying mum because she couldn't lift up her arms.

We did learn something from the programme. Abz, that great philosopher from 5ive, gave us the great wisdom that: "If in doubt, always turn left."

I've had enough of the long emotional chats and recriminations now, though. Let's get down to the nitty gritty and see if they can still sing and dance.

Shopping tips amid the waffle

2013-02-15T11:37:59Z

The new Channel 4 series Britain's Secret Shoppers is a half-hour show padded out to fill an hour.

Most of it is waffle, really. It falls into the trap of spending far too much time telling us what's already happened and what's going to happen.

And there are too many obvious tips on how to get a good deal. Surely most people know that hairdressers will trim your fringe for free?

But among the distractions - I'm not sure how a lengthy segment trying to turn around the fortunes of a beauty salon fits in a consumer programme about shopping - there were a few good tips.

Don't buy the house wine, as it's the one with the biggest mark-up. Go for the second or third wine on the list.

Flying on a public holiday means prices may be cheaper.

The best time to buy a new car is at the end of August or the end of February just before the new registrations come in. And you should never reveal your budget, though surely everyone eventually has to admit how much they want to spend, or negotiations would grind to a halt.

Is it weird to see so many BAFTA beards?

2013-02-11T10:42:34Z

We're well into awards season now, and I think the most important thing we've learned is...if you want to win, you've got to get a beard.

Conspiracy theorists are going into overdrive since almost every male award-winner at the BAFTAs sported facial hair.

Let's just look at the evidence. Ben Affleck had the finest beard in the room and how was he rewarded? With, somewhat surprisingly, the Best Film and Best Director awards. He went up on stage with bearded George Clooney, who was Argo's producer.

Skyfall, directed by bearded Sam Mendes, won Best British Film. The Best Actor? Bearded Daniel Day-Lewis. Best Supporting Actor Christoph Waltz was actually clean-shaven, but the important thing is that he had a beard in the film, Django Unchained.

And of course the whole thing was hosted by bearded Stephen Fry, who even made a joke about beards.

Fry was a good host, if rather full of himself and prone to verbal showing-off. At least I learned a new word - osculation means a kiss, apparently.

I liked some of his jokes, like not wanting to see Dark Zero Thirty because he hadn't seen the 29 other films in the series, and his making fun of them squeezing so much out of such a slim volume as The Hobbit. He predicted there would be a Hobbit 9 called Are We Nearly Home Yet, Gandalf?

We also learned that Chris Tucker isn't funny. Ever. Especially when giving out an award and SHOUTING.

We learned that Daniel Day-Lewis and Anne Hathaway can both make amusing acceptance speeches - they'd better get used to it, as they are both bound to win Oscars.

I couldn't help wondering if Anne had been catching up with Emmerdale while in the UK - it's her favourite soap, the one that helped her to hone her Yorkshire accent in One Day.

And we learned that Samuel L Jackson is cooler than ever, even with no beard and no hair anywhere on his head.

"Can I just say....?" he began, before adding "Of course I can say it, I'm Samuel L Jackson, I can say what I like!"

Posh people, dogs and dancing at the NTAs

2013-01-24T10:34:04Z

So what did we learn from the National Television Awards? Lots, actually.

Firstly, that Strictly Come Dancing is officially better than The X Factor. The last series was a corker and far better than the ITV rivals, but it was still a surprise that they managed to wrestle the award off Simon Cowell and Co.

We learned that all posh people seem to know each other, perhaps because of in-breeding. Miranda Hart and Lord Julian Fellowes are chums. I'm sure they both know Nigel Havers too. Oh, and we learned that actors, like Nigel, shouldn't try to be funny with lame jokes when presenting.

The Olympics were A GOOD THING, just in case you didn't realise. Yes, we loved them, but do we have to mention it at every awards ceremony, even months later? And is it compulsory to get Lord Seb Coe in?

We also learned it was the 18th edition of the awards, because they never shut up about it.

We discovered that Kimberley Walsh looks stunning but isn't that brilliant a singer - at least not compared with 'amateur' teenager Ella Henderson, who completely outshone the Girls Aloud star.

We learned that Dermot O'Leary is a great host and people shouldn't try to copy him. Nicole Scherzinger, you can't say 'Your Wednesday evening starts right here' when it's 9pm and the programme is nearly over.

But Dermot isn't quite as good as the all-time champions, Ant and Dec. Let's just give them the Entertainment Presenter award for good now, there's no point in having the category next year after they deservedly won it for the 12th year in a row.

We learned that Simon Cowell sometimes wears glasses and that Richard Osman is exceedingly tall.

We discovered that we love dogs and programmes about dogs, even more than better shows like Top Gear, Great British Bake Off and The Apprentice. No wonder winner Paul O'Grady said: "I thought the bun show would get it." So did I.

Other people who should have won but didn't included Coronation Street star Natalie Gumede, who is hissably evil as Kirsty and should have won Best Newcomer. But good on Corrie for getting Best Soap and Alan Halsall (Tyrone) for best soap performance.

Gangnam Style is soooo last year, even when performed by a cute dog like Pudsey.

We were reminded that Joanna Lumley is a national treasure and the worthy winner of a special recognition award.
"I'm so thrilled you saw me kissing Leonardo DiCaprio and that Martin Scorsese can remember who I am," she said, while wiping away the tears. Why is this woman not a Dame yet?

Eye eye - look away now

2013-01-23T10:15:13Z

The eyes have it - at least when it comes to crime dramas.

There have been two gruesome moments recently when I've recoiled on the sofa, turning away from the telly or half watching through fingers, while exclaiming out loud at the nastiness of it all.

On both occasions, people have had horrible things done to their eyes. Just the thought makes me squirm.

In the first episode of Channel 4's baffling but intriguing Utopia, someone was tortured by having chillies, sand and bleach rubbed in their eyes, before a spoon was put to use removing an eyeball.

Actually that's probably not a very good tool, judging from another killer's eye fetish. In The Following on Sky Atlantic, James Purefoy cuts out the eyes of his victims.

After persuading a woman to stab herself in the eye with an ice pick, he told FBI agent Kevin Bacon: "You know, the eye is connected by seven muscles. "I removed each one individually, it was very hard work."

So we learned something from The Following, which has some clunky dialogue but a gripping and clever storyline.

I just wish that sometimes we didn't have to have such graphic violence. Maybe that's why I like Lewis, which never shows us anything too horrible. It's old-fashioned feel, among the dreaming spires of Oxford, is part of its appeal.

And this week Lewis even managed to lighten the atmosphere with some jokes.

"Is that the sum total of your knowledge?" sneered his boss, played by Rebecca Front, as he explained his progress in a case.

"I know a few lines of the Ancient Mariner," he replied.

Later he added: "I'm always happy, my face is misleading."

At least you've still got both eyes, Lewis.

Celebrity Big Brother is a real mad house

2013-01-04T10:30:07Z

Big Brother used to be one of my TV addictions. But it just never seemed the same when they moved it to Channel 5 and I lost interest.

It became a case of Why Bother - but I'm beginning to change my mind about the latest Celebrity Big Brother. I might just have to tune in, judging from the drawn-out but intriguing launch show.

At least annoying host Brian Dowling only pops up a couple of times a week, which will give him more time to learn to read from an autocue. He complained how hard it is to say 'igloo hangout'. Not really Bri, it's just you're a bit of a rubbish presenter.

The good news is there is no Jim Davidson, who had to pull out after being arrested. Though it might have been interesting to see him ferret through bins for food, and at least the police would know where he was if they wanted to question him further. A dawn raid on the BB house would be something new.

Instead, we got a poor substitute in Neil 'Razor' Ruddock, a has-been footballer and desperate reality TV wannabe, appearing in everything from I'm A Celebrity to Come Dine With Me and Total Wipeout.

We didn't get the much-speculated-about Lindsay Lohan, who was in London and everything. How disappointing.

But we did get another bonkers woman prone to drink driving in Paula Hamilton, who looks very promising. Li-lo doesn't have a pet coconut called Boris, does she? When Tricia Penrose said "I'm a bit loop the loop", she had no idea we'd be comparing her level of madness to Paula's. She seems amazingly sane in comparison.

Frankie Dettori is clearly hoping to be the new Gino D'Acampo, while I have yet to be convinced that the amazingly-named glamour model Lacey Banghard is as intelligent as she makes out.

After X Factor's Christopher, there's a Maloney we can all like in Ryan, who I was shocked to discover has been playing Toadfish in Neighbours for an astonishing 18 years. The poor bloke needs a break, so let's put him in a dirty basement with a mad woman.

We're going to have to call him Toadie to differentiate him from Rylan, for whom I have high hopes. Honest and funny, at the moment he's my favourite to win.

Africa and Sir David Attenborough are full of surprises

2013-01-03T10:47:00Z

"Africa may be a continent we think we know, but it's still full of surprises," intoned Sir David Attenborough at the end of his latest series.

The same could equally be said of wildlife programmes. Just when we think we've seen it all, along comes another show packed full of new creatures, bizarre behaviour and the most extraordinary photography.

Africa is what we pay our licence fee for. The BBC may be going through a bit of a crisis in some areas, but it's good to know we can still rely on it to come up trumps where it matters, on screen.

It's not all great. The trailer which proceeded it on the BBC HD channel (HD was made for Africa) had Sir David reciting Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World in a cringe-making, William Shatner style. You're better than that, David.

But when we got going, his soothing voice talked us through the most amazing, beautiful pictures, and extraordinary dramas.

ostriches.jpg

He does like to play with our emotions. After introducing us to the cutest baby ostriches, we then saw them heading into the arid desert, with Dave warning "it feels like a suicidal journey". But wait, they've found an oasis of water, hurrah! Swelling music announces this 'miracle', but then the score turns scary as a pride of lions arrive.

Sometimes the music can be too obvious, but mostly it's inspired, particularly when a young giraffe arrives on the territory of an old buck. As he approaches we hear spaghetti western music, as they prepare to duel it out, with brutal blows of the neck and horns.

tinygiraffes.jpg

The fight was one of the most dramatic things on telly all night and had a surprise outcome which had me cheering.

I loved the normally cantankerous black rhinos meeting up for a natter, and the young female who pretended to fall asleep to avoid the unwanted attentions of a suitor. We've all been there.

The plague of blood-squirting cannibal crickets who eat chicks were the stuff of nightmares, but you had to admire the cartwheeling spider. I have now idea how they manage to get these amazingly close-up pictures.

I can't wait for next week. Africa, you are magnificent.

Bruce Forsyth has to go, yah?

2012-10-08T16:21:44Z

AND we're off! Strictly Come Dancing eventually got down to the dancing on Friday, after a longer-drawn-out intro than even The X Factor manages.

Here's a tip - we really don't care what so-called ordinary members of the public are saying about Strictly. Get rid of these silly montages immediately.

I would also love if it they would get rid of Bruce Forsyth too, but many of us have been asking that for years without any joy, so I fear it's never going to happen.

He is getting even more hopeless though, stumbling over the autocue and getting annoyed when the audience laughs at his jokes and when they don't laugh.

Bruce telling young Dani Harmer that she had 'a lot of front' was frankly rather creepy. Oh, and by the way, Bruce and Tess Daly have yet to learn, even after 10 series when she is introduced the correct way in each show, that Mrs Jordan calls herself Ola which rhymes with 'holler', not Ola which rhymes with 'bowler'.

His sidekick looked a real Tess Mess, with unkempt hair and two unwise choices of dresses over the weekend's shows which didn't suit her at all.

And then there was new judge Darcey Bussell, who seemed far posher than before and finished every sentence with a question mark and either 'yah?' or 'OK?'.

She sounded just like mad PR woman Siobhan Sharpe from Twenty Twelve. I expect that next week she'll start saying 'OK, the thing is guys....'.

My favourite dancers so far are Kimberley Walsh, Colin Salmon - it takes a brave man to pull off sequins and leopard print - and of course Lisa Riley, who was a revelation.

Strictly was more fun and entertaining this weekend than the first live shows of The X Factor, despite Louis Walsh's efforts to make us laugh, before everything went all serious with the debacle over deadlock.

His best comment was 'I remember Woodstock', when it turned out he just remembered watching the film. In that case, I remember Titanic.

Collagen, Rylan, Gathan and Kye - just some in the X Factor's silly names squad

2012-09-24T10:07:03Z

Remember when Simon Cowell mocked X Factor contestant Storm Lee, refusing to call him by his name because it was 'stupid'?

He'd be constantly rolling his eyes if he was still on the panel, because the silly names have reached ridiculous levels this year.

Collagen, Gathan, Nathan Fagan-Gayle, Rylan, Kye, Ottavio Colombo. Believe it or not, these are real names! What is going on?

The group names aren't much better. Rough Copy, Poisonous Twin, Triple J, GMD3, WD40. OK, so I might have made up the last one, but I wouldn't put it past them to come up with that.

Jahmene is another rather silly name - it's just a pretentious spelling of Jermaine. And this lad does show diva tendencies. For all his softly-spoken apparent shyness, he did himself no favours by going on about how ill he felt before taking to the stage. Funny how he seemed to make a miraculous recovery once the judges put him through.

I wasn't at all blown away by his performances. Am I the only one who thinks that overdoing the vocal runs is just showing off and that shrieking some notes isn't pleasant to listen to? There wasn't much of a recognisable tune in his overblown rendition of Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. In my opinion, he murdered a lovely song.

In contrast, I loved Lucy and Ella. Nice, normal names and great performances, conveying so much genuine emotion. Good on you, girls.

I asked myself a few other questions while watching X Factor this weekend.

When contestants say "I've worked so hard for this," what do they mean, exactly? What does 'working hard' at singing really mean? It's hardly working down a mine, is it?

Also, what's the point of the bloke who stands at the side of the stage counting down '3-2-1'? The timing isn't exactly crucial, the judges are just sitting there. Why not just say 'go on now' without the silly finger movements?

Finally, where are all the novelty acts? The Only Way is Essex reject Rylan is the only one we can laugh at this year, and let's face it, he's no Johnny Robinson or Wagner.

Twenty Twelve is actually brilliant and I really think that

2012-07-18T09:33:49Z

Here's the thing, guys. Actually, Twenty Twelve is one of the best documentaries on TV. And I really think that. So that's all good. Not a problem.

What do you mean, it's not a documentary? The trials and tribulations of the Olympic Deliverance Commission seem extraordinarily real.

The BBC2 comedy featured an Olympic countdown clock that stopped, a bus that got lost on the way to the Olympic stadium and drove round in circles for hours, and a security nightmare involving starting pistols. And in this week's episode, they were lamenting how hardly any tickets had been sold for the women's football.

Scarily, all these events happened in real life. American athletes took four hours to get by bus to the Olylmpic village, and disappointing sales for football matches has led to large parts of the stadiums being closed off to give the illusion of a fuller house.

Actually, reality is more bungling than anything the script writers could have dreamed of. They didn't imagine that we would be short of security guards to the tune of at least 3,500.

Frankly, G4S boss Nick Buckles makes Ian Fletcher look like the Steve Jobs of management.

I have loved spending time with this incompetent bunch, their brilliant catchphrases and their ridiculous talk of legacy, sustainability, inclusivity, diversity and multiculturality.

It would be great if the team stayed together for our TV entertainment, so I'm voting that they organise the 2014 Commonwealth Games in Glasgow.

Come on, let's diarize it now!