Sunday Mercury - Telly Talk

Simon Cowell should hang his head in shame

2009-11-08T21:02:37Z

You should be ashamed of yourself, Simon Cowell.

For weeks you've been ranting that the X Factor is a singing competition and Jedward don't deserve votes. And last night you praised Lucie for her great performance.

So why on earth didn't you vote to keep her in? Instead you looked insufferably smug, milking your power for all it was worth, before saying you wanted to see the twins - who you called vile little creatures, remember? - come back.

Your behaviour is inconsistent and mean. Lucie should still be in the X Factor.

Dead cat on Dannii Minogue's head

2009-11-02T15:21:44Z

Some questions which occurred to me while watching telly over the weekend.

Firstly, what on earth was on Dannii Minogue's head last night? The crimped mess looked like a dead cat. And just when she'd been winning us over with great hairstyles and jokes about hair-dos - I loved her quick X Factor comeback about Rachel trying to copy Simon's barnet but not having enough hairspray.

I thought Dannii was great on Piers Morgan's show, revealing a warm and witty side. So let's not see that horrible hair again, eh? (And while we're at it, Craig Revel Horwood could do with a trim too).

Another question I posed to myself was 'Why did Bruce Jones bother to go on Celebrity Come Dine Wtih Me?' Fussy eater doesn't even cover it. It emerged he doesn't like fish, sauces, green beans, cream, puddings, leeks, raisins or sultanas....and he got into a real lather while trying to cook.

Still, it was a great show, thanks to Yvette Fielding's barminess and Roy Walker's efforts to chat up Natasha Hamilton and show off by doing press-ups.

Finally, why hasn't The Thick Of It got a better slot than late on a Saturday night? This show is comedy genius. I can't repeat most of Peter Capaldi's lines, but I did like "I'm all ears, I'm Andrew Marr here." He said it with more swear words, obviously.

Peaches Geldof is, like, a quantum physicist

2009-10-30T10:30:30Z

Peaches Geldof, in an attempt not to be seen as a silly airhead, claims to be interested in quantum physics.

On last night's ITV2 documentary with Fearne Cotton, she said she wanted to talk about space, worm holes and the Large Hadron Collider.

"It's in, like, Texas or somewhere," she drawled. Actually it's, like, Switzerland, love. Oops!

Maybe she is quite intelligent - she is the daughter of Paula Yates and Bob Geldof after all - but this film did nothing to disprove the 'myth' (Fearne's word) that Peaches doesn't do much.

She needs an assistant to tell her her hectic schedule, which goes something like this. On a typical day in New York, she got up at 11am, met friends and then dropped into a magazine office where writes a column.

Then, after all of half-an-hour's work, she declared: "I feel like I'm going to pass out."

She thought nothing of just nodding off in front of people if she was tired. That's rude, yet Fearne decided to put a ridiculous spin on her subject's spoilt, self-centered behaviour by saying: "I kind of admire her bravery." Bravery! Come off it.

I know I shouldn't even be writing about her because it just sustains the career of these people who are famous for being famous.

So sorry about that, I promise I won't ever mention Peaches again. Except as a fruit, obviously. This week I met chef James Martin and he showed me how to caramelise peaches, but that's another story....

All you ever wanted to know about Strictly Come Dancing's Bruce Forsyth

2009-10-27T09:12:53Z

Name: Bruce Forsyth

Image: All-round entertainer

Best Known For: Strictly Come Dancing

Early Life: Bruce Joseph Forsyth-Johnson was born on February 22, 1928, in Edmonton, north London. His father was a garage owner, and both parents encouraged their son to pursue his interest in showbusiness. He made his TV debut at the age of 10 and left school four years later. He immediately launched himself on the music hall circuit as Boy Bruce, the Mighty Atom, playing the ukelele, banjo and accordion, as well as singing and dancing.

Career: His big break came when he compered Sunday Night at the London Palladium in 1958. He followed it up with various variety shows, including Bruce Forsyth's Big Night, Whatever Happened to Christmas and Bring on the Girls, but he is best known for hit Seventies show The Generation Game. Other series include The Price Is Right, Play Your Cards Right and short-lived sitcom Slinger's Day. He appeared in the films Star! and Bedknobs and Broomsticks. He's hosted Have I Got News For You, Didn't They Do Well? and is presently in his element as host of Strictly Come Dancing. In February 2005 Forsyth was the subject of a Bafta Tribute, and in October of the same year he received a Legend award at the Loaded Laftas.

Love Life: Married since 1983 to third wife, former Miss World Wilnelia, who is 30 years his junior. They have a son. Forsyth also has three daughters with first wife Penny Calvert and two daughters from second wife, former Generation Game hostess Anthea Redfern.

Don't Mention: The deaths of his showbiz friends Eric Morecambe, Roy Castle, Tommy Cooper, Frankie Howerd and Les Dawson. "They were very dear to me," he says.

Quote: "Although I'm predominantly known for game shows, I do prefer to be known as a performer."

An audience with X-Factor's sexy judge Cheryl Cole

2009-10-22T10:53:42Z

CHERYL COLE is offering fans a chance to ask her anything they like during a live video webchat on her MySpace internet page.

The Girls Aloud singer is tipped to take the top spot in this weekend's chart with her debut solo single Fight For This Love.

Her live performance on Sunday's X Factor results show was watched by nearly 15 million viewers.

MySpace has recently hosted web chats with other celebrities including JARED LETO, SELENA GOMEZ, comedy double act DAVID MITCHELL and ROBERT WEBB, and GERARD BUTLER.

Fans can visit Cheryl's profile at myspace.com/cherylcole at 5.30pm todayOctober 22 to join in or submit questions.

Wedding woes are perfect viewing

2009-10-21T10:37:28Z

Every now and then when my better half has control of the TV I will glance up from my laptop/magazine/book/sleep and see what drivel she is watching.

Usually it is a poo-encrusted toilet, or someone destroying a Victorian property by painting it Lime green.

Last week and indeed last night I have been gripped by her choice of viewing, 'Don't Tell The Bride' on BBC 3. Genius!

Take one engaged couple, give the boyfriend a budget for the wedding, send the bride away on holiday and let him plan the happiest day of her life!

Brilliant! Last night the bride told the cameras she dreamt of a castle wedding.

Cut to her boyfriend booking the local Red Lion pub!!!

The rest was car crash TV of the highest possible entertainment value.

I will be a regular watcher. Sympathy for the bride? No, none. For two reasons:

A) Don't marry an idiot who doesn't know you very well
B) Don't agree to experimental tv appearances based on your big day

All I want for Christmas is Simples

2009-10-20T11:54:05Z

I have a new celebrity crush. Don't worry Johnny, I still love you, but the latest object of my affections is one Aleksandr Orlov.

Can't place the name? Probably not, but you'll recognise the face. And his Simples catchphrase and cute squeak.

He has fabulous fashion sense, single-handedly bringing back the sophististicated lounging look with his smart smoking jacket and cravat.

As the founder of Compare The Meerkat, Aleksandr even has his own Facebook page.

Also go here to find out more about him.

I love his latest advert, in which he appears in his jacuzzi.

The top of my Christmas list now is a talking Aleksandr, only £19.95. I'm queuing at Harrods as I write this on my computamabob.

Johnny Depp picks up silliest award of the year

2009-10-19T16:17:32Z

Any excuse to use a picture of Johnny Depp, but really....awards shows aren't what they used to be, are they?!

Johnny popped up at the Scream Awards 2009 (you what?) to accept the gong for, um, Most Anticipated Fantasy Film.

He stepped forward to take the prize for Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland.

If they're going to start giving out awards for things that haven't even happened yet, then there really isn't much point to these bashes. Other than to ogle at the likes of Johnny, of course.

I'm thinking of entering myself for Blog Most LIkely To Mention How Silly Cheryl Looked On Saturday In Her Half-An-Outfit and How Glad I Am Joe Calzaghe Has Finally Waltzed Off Strictly Award. I'm a shoe-in, I reckon.

Marge Simpson to pose naked in Playboy

2009-10-13T07:57:02Z

Marge Simpson is reportedly set to flash the yellow flesh in next month's Playboy magazine.
Rumours of the cartoon matriarch's saucy shoot have circulated since HUGH HEFNER tweeted of a "surprise" for fans of the blue-haired temptress.

Now sources have confirmed to entertainment channel E! that Marge will feature in a three-page pictorial complete with a front-page shot, but there's no indication yet as to just how much she will reveal.

November's Playboy special comes as The Simpsons celebrate their 20th anniversary.

Hannah Montana Disney Channel star Miley Cyrus ditches Twitter

2009-10-13T07:53:09Z

Miley Cyrus says she deleted herself from social networking site Twitter in order to regain some sort of "normal" private life.

The 16-year-old Disney star wrote a message on her website apologising to fans who were upset she had left Twitter and explaining her reasons.

Miley wrote: "Twitter is a beautiful thing if used for the right reason. I love my job so much that it is hard to believe sometimes that it is considered 'working'. But, in the end it is still a business and I do need some sort of a 'normal' life as well.

"How can I whine about my life being so public if I am the one telling the world what I am doing?"

Strictly vs X Factor....fight!

2009-10-11T13:28:10Z

Well, I like Strictly Come Dancing, and I like The X Factor. Which is better? There's only one way to find out....FIGHT!

How appropriate that the live Saturday night shows battle between BBC1 and ITV1 should kick off on the same night as Harry Hill returned to our screens (best line: Colonel Gaddafi in the cafe).

I'd love to see Simon Cowell take on Craig Revel Horwood in a fight, though I reckon it would be quite a girly one as neither wants to get hit in the face.

Personally, I reckon The X Factor won last night's battle, putting on a more entertaining show. I'm getting tired of hopeless Joe Calzaghe still being put through at the expense of people who really can dance. Stop voting for him!

The X Factor had rows, drama, terrible fashion, Robbie Williams being sweet and helpful and Danyl knocking over a microphone stand. Rock 'n' roll!

I agreed with Cheryl over the horrible outfits of former strippers Kandy Rain, though she couldn't really talk as she appeared to be wearing a lampshade.

They were all pretty good, but I won't miss Rikki or Lloyd if they get voted off. Reckon girls will vote for Lloyd, though.

The twins - or 'vile little creatures' as Simon called them - were a bit rubbish and deluded if they don't think they're cocky, but I'm happy to keep them in just to annoy Simon.

Stacey is still my favourite to win.

X Factor judges drag it out...and Kylie was a waste

2009-10-04T19:52:32Z

Talk about dragging it out! I've never experienced so many tears, screams, hugs and....very....long...dramatic....pauses....in an hour of TV.

We finally discovered who are in the final 12 of The X Factory, but the judges really made us wait to find out their "toughest decisions ever". Especially Cheryl, who inexplicably decided halfway through telling one poor lad he wasn't in that she needed to take "a moment".

She kept him hanging on for ages, then still told him he was out. How cruel! As was Simon, telling Jamie Afro he was "going home.........with an invitation for the live finals".

Actually, Cheryl is being out-performed this series by Dannii, who looks better and actually has some interesting things to say.

She's even better than her sister. I didn't think I'd ever say this, but what was the point of getting Kylie in to help her make the choice? She said nothing apart from "she's got a beautiful voice".

I'm disappointed cocky Danyl and the irritating twins are in, but loving Stacey Solomon. I singled her out from her first audition and she's still my favourite.

Disney sensation Miley Cyrus set for Sex And The City role

2009-09-29T13:27:27Z

Miley Cyrus is rumoured to be making an appearance in Sex And The City 2.

The Hannah Montana star was a huge fan of the original TV series and last year's movie version and now looks set to shoot a cameo in the eagerly anticipated sequel, reports Access Hollywood.

According to Gossip Cop, 16-year-old Miley will appear in a scene with Samantha Jones (Kim Cattrall).

But there are also internet rumours that the Disney starlet could play a younger version of SARAH JESSICA PARKER's character Carrie Bradshaw.

The Sex And The City sequel is due out in 2010.

Danyl's too cocky on X Factor

2009-09-28T12:48:00Z

There were some surprises in the final 24 choices on X Factor.

I wasn't expecting those annoying Irish twins to still be in the running, or Danyl, after his horrible Boot Camp rendition of Holding Back the Years.

But then I've never been a big fan. I refer you back to my blog of August 23, when I said: "I couldn't get nearly as excited about teacher Danyl as the judges, who gave him a standing ovation. I found him over-confident to the point of cockiness, with his microphone throwing and stage-name spelling of his moniker."

And he was even worse at the weekend. Please don't put him in the final 12!

Best bit of the shows was this year's Chico, the mad-eyed bloke from Belarus, who refused to accept he was out. Oh, and the girl falling over as she rushed to hug Dannii Minogue.

Love Ricky's chest but I'm rooting for Phil

2009-09-26T20:13:31Z

Now that's more like it! This batch of Strictly Come Dancing contestants were a lot better than last week. They weren't all great on technique, but they were much more fun to watch.

Anyway, it's not all about being fantastic at this early stage. We prefer someone who's a bit rubbish but who shows willing and improves - it's all about the journey. And we like someone with personality, which is why my favourite so far is Phil Tufnell. I'd pick him over pretty boy Ricky Whittle, despite his six-pack.

It's all about the mouth action for me - I'm transfixed by Phil's sticking out tongue and Ricky Groves's open mouth.

Which brings me to a problem with this series. There are too many people in it with similar names. Two Rickys, two Natalies - Cassidy and new dancer Lowe - two Craigs in Kelly and Revel-Horwood, and hopeless dancers Jo and Joe.

Plus the fact Laila Rouass looks strikingly like Flavia Cacace, and it's all a bit confusing.

I'm loving the judges this series, who seem to be really enjoying themselves. Alesha stepped up her game this week and Len is just wonderful.

Alesha's dirty laugh seems to be encouraging them in a mucky direction, though, what with Bruno and his "I felt something growing, big and powerful" and Craig with his "flagellant arms".

Flagellant does exist as a word, though I had to look it up. And I'm not quite sure it can be used in the context Craig did, as, according to the dictionary, it means "one who seeks sexual gratification in beating or being beaten by another person". Oo-er!