SunFyre...words from a seated position

Memorial Day Thank You

2012-05-28T08:45:00.000-04:00

While we all enjoy a day off work, picnics and cookouts, take a moment to pause this Memorial Day to say a silent thank you to those who have given their blood to provide the freedom we enjoy.

It's easy to remember wars in the Gulf, and argue that they are about oil and profits. The truth is that, whether right or wrong, energy does influence our freedom.

Before that we fought in Vietnam and Korea to slow the spread of communism and dictatorial regime. Today very little of the world inhibits the freedom of other people. Even China has become part of the world economy, and while imperfect, freedom has seeped in.

The European wars united the world against tyranny. Our worst war, World War II, create eternal alliances among the countries who value freedom.

The Declaration of Independence touted freedom, but until the Civil War it didn't even exist in our home country. In the war between the states created America as we know it today, one united country that values human existence. It would take us another hundred years, but eventually we have created one of the few countries where anyone can thrive.

Our first America war wasn't fought by soldiers and armies. It was fought by farmers, silversmiths, carpenters and longshoremen. The only commonality was the desire for independence, freedom, and self-determination.

I firmly believe we live in the greatest country in the history of the world. It's imperfect. There is constant room for improvement. Many take the freedom for granted. However, no one doubts that we have one true freedom, which is the freedom of endless possibilities.

For this freedom I thank the men and women who have died in its name.

Tips for Print Photography

2012-05-07T18:57:00.001-04:00

Here are few quick tips that may help if you're thinking about having prints of your digital photos produced.

For the best quality artwork, use the highest resolution your camera can handle. To put it simply, the higher the resolution, the larger you can print the image. If your resolution is too low, you will see a warning when you upload.
Black-and-white images add a lot of modern drama to the room. To really make the images pop, choose a canvas museum wrap, or a black frame and a white mat. The black frame creates a strong contrast while also complimenting the gray tones of your image.
Ever wonder what causes red eyes in photos? Basically, the light from a flash is being reflected from the back of the eyeball! The good news is that most modern cameras have a quick setting to reduce red eye.
Think you only use a flash in the dark? Guess again. When photographing in bright sunlight, you can turn on the flash of your camera to reduce the harshness of the shadows.
As you decide where to hang your photo artwork, keep in mind that the optimum viewing distance for a framed print (or canvas wrap) is about twice the diagonal of the frame.
Want to capture your subject in mid-motion like the pros do? Simply use a higher shutter speed and a higher ISO setting to freeze the motion. A higher ISO setting is also ideal for dimmer conditions, like cloudy days or indoor shots.

10 Bad Gifts for Mother's Day Your Wife Will Hate

2012-05-06T12:59:00.001-04:00

Mother's Day 2012 is May 13th. Here are 10 really bad gifts your wife will hate. Chances are you have given at least one to your wife or mother in the past.

Coupons for breakfast in bed, etc. -- Homemade coupons suck. Let's face it, she doesn't really use them and they become a hand-decorated reminder of all the stuff you should be doing for Mom anyhow.

Appliances -- That fabulous new blender, a rotisserie chicken maker, the $300 Kitchen Maid mixer are just tools so that she can do more work in the kitchen. What is really saying is "Gee, wouldn't it be nice if you cooked more often?"

Washer/dryer/vacuum -- This says either "We needed a new one, so I'm passing off a household expense into the giftgiving budget." or "your cleanliness is below my standards, perhaps new tools would inspire you to do better."

A fishing rod or golf clubs -- When she says she wants to spend more time together, that doesn't mean you should buy her stuff so she can tag along on your favorite hobbies.

Anything available at 11 PM Saturday night -- You just got around to shopping so now you're at CVS or Dollar General because it's the only thing open. If you do buy her something here, I recommend headache medicine because I have a feeling she will be having quite a few headaches in the future.

Artificial flowers -- They are practical and inexpensive compared to real ones on Mother's Day. That's the point. Flowers are a luxury, particularly when they are expensive. Remember how you said you wanted a sports car, and she brought you the plastic Ferrari? Fake flowers are the equivalent for women. It was a crappy gift when she gave it to you, so don't return the favor.

Gym membership -- You want to encourage her to be healthy. What she hears is, "Now that you're a mother, let's get you back into those pre-pregnancy jeans."

Lingerie -- A mediocre gift on Valentine's Day is worse on Mother's Day. Remember how the entire "making a baby" thing started? She does.

Self-help books -- Women love them, but only if they purchased them themselves. Buying a self-help book is the first step, kind of like admitting your problem. Buying one as a gift is more like an intervention. She knows she lost her mind in early motherhood. Don't think this gift will help restore sanity.

A Puppy -- "You're such a great mother, here's something else to care for." Enough said.

I haven't decided what I am purchasing for my wife, but I know what I'm not buying. Besides, she reads this blog so I can't publish spoilers. Good luck, and if you have a great idea, post them below. I could use the help.

credits: This post was inspired by Mother's Day Gifts Mom Doesn't Want by Kathryn Williams. Photo licensed from 123RF Stock Photos

By the way, tea makes a good gift! You can order some for mom at Kungaloosh Gourmet Tea Company.

Elephants Never Forget

2012-05-04T10:44:00.000-04:00

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times, and then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant... Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

It probably wasn't the same elephant.

Friday Funnies: The Good Samaritan

2012-04-11T13:00:00.000-04:00

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

Bringing Home a Partier

A guy was in a bar he seemed to be about as drunk as it's possible to get. A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.

First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.

After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

His wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

Muppets: Swedish Chef Makes Popcorn

2012-04-10T16:00:00.000-04:00

April Fools' Day 2012 -- Pranks from the Internet

2012-04-01T17:03:00.000-04:00

Google has launched its first app for the original NES platform. Finally, Google maps is available for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

NASCAR has also invested heavily in technology. In cooperation with Google, the autonomous driving vehicles will debut for the 2013 NASCAR season. The sport where become more competitive as they remove the largest variable, the driver.

If you're like me, you're on the computer constantly. Now thanks to the latest innovation from Google Chrome I'm able to accomplish my work twice as fast. I'm making more money than ever, and have more time to spend with family and friends, while still watching all the porn I need to make my miserable life more enjoyable.

Speaking of efficiency, Gmail Tap is the latest technology making it possible to send e-mail from your Android phone using only two keys. Furthermore, with the newest version, Gmail Multi-Tap, you can actually write two e-mails simultaneously. Finally, texting is faster than telephone. After all you can only say one thing at a time. Not anymore...

I've been striving for more fiber in my diet. Additionally, I hate taking multivitamins. Two chewable vitamins every morning shaped like Wilma and Betty are far too much of a commitment. That's when I discovered the ultimate vitamin packed fiber bar.

These technologies are changing the way we travel, communicate, and poop. What a fantastic time to be alive.

An open letter to Southern Miss President Martha Saunders

2012-03-19T09:33:00.002-04:00

Racism at the University of Southern Mississippi

Kansas State played the University of Southern Mississippi during the NCAA men's basketball championship series on Thursday night in Pittsburgh.

A chant started during the foul shots being taken by Angel Rodriguez. Mr. Rodriguez is a US citizen, born in Puerto Rico who attended high school in Florida.

Members of the Southern Miss traveling band began to chant "Where's your green card?" loud enough that it was picked up by television cameras.

Following the event, CBS Sports also reported that some members of the band asked members of the media if they heard the chant.

Southern Miss President Martha Saunders released the following statement on her official blog apologizing to Rodriguez.

"We deeply regret the remarks made by a few students at today's game. The words of these individuals do not represent the sentiments of our pep band, athletic department or university. We apologize to Mr. Rodriguez and will take quick and appropriate disciplinary action against the students involved in this isolated incident."

In my opinion, this statement, posted in its entirety, is not enough. Encouraging me to write the following letter to the university president.

On a positive note, Kansas State prevailed which eliminated Southern Miss and their band's future TV opportunities.

The following letter was sent through the University online "Ask the President" contact form.

-----
The University President Martha Saunders
University of Southern Mississippi
Hattiesburg, Mississippi

Dear President Saunders,

Like many sports fans, I've found the actions of students in your band offensive. Not only was it classless, but it was also offensive to every American citizen born in Puerto Rico who are constantly reviewed as second class citizens in the eyes of some.

I call on you to create an example of the students and the administrators. It needs to be clear that top level NCAA sports teams, and colleges and universities in general, should be intolerant when it comes to racism.

My recommendations:

Terminate the director of the band. This faculty member clearly had was not acting in a supervisory capacity over the traveling band.

Expel students involved in the chant. Particularly the students who asked the member of the media if the chant could be heard on television. It's particularly offensive because it was clear that they were not only interested in rattling Mr. Rodriguez during foul shots, but they also were interested in publicizing their racism.

Disband the pep band. For a period of one year I recommend that the traveling pep band be prevented from playing publicly. While not every band member participated, they endorsed it in their silence. You need to demonstrate that racism is not only the fault of those calling names, but it's also the fault of those who sit idle.

Yes, there will be repercussions for your University to take such extreme action. However, it's my belief that when a university official makes bold statements toward the moral good, the university is a better place.

These students' actions were an embarrassment to your team, to the band, to the University of Southern Mississippi and to the citizens of your state. It perpetuates the myth that everyone in Mississippi is racist and unintelligent.

Sincerely,

Jason Tweed
www.SunFyre.com

Who do we call to report this crime?

2012-03-14T08:26:00.000-04:00

Awesome photo courtesy of collegehumor.com.

Happy Dumpling

2012-03-13T05:04:00.001-04:00

Happy Dumpling from sun haipeng on Vimeo.

Happy happy Dumplings!

Friday funnies: Geekery

2012-03-09T00:57:00.000-05:00

God is Good and Makes No Mistakes

2012-03-05T20:33:00.002-05:00

A nobleman, who did not believe in the goodness of God, had a slave who, in all circumstances would say: "My king, do not be discouraged, because everything God does is perfect, no mistakes!"

One day they went hunting and along the way a wild boar attacked the king. His slave managed to kill the animal, but could not prevent his majesty from losing a finger.

Furious and without gratitude for being saved, the nobleman said, "Is God good? If He was good, I would not have been attacked and lost my finger."

The slave replied only "My king, despite all these things, I can only tell you that God is good, and he knows the "why" of all these things. What God does is perfect. He is never wrong!"

Outraged by the response, the king ordered the arrest of his slave.

Later, he left for another hunt and was captured by savages who made human sacrifices.

While on the altar, ready to sacrifice the noble, the savages discovered he had a missing finger and so he was released. According to them, he was not so complete to be offered to the gods.

Upon his return to the palace, the king authorized the release of his slave to whom he said, very affectionately, "My dear, God was really good to me! I was almost killed by the wild men, but for lack of a single finger, I was let go! But I have a question: If God is so good, why did he allow me to put you in jail?

"My King, if I had gone with you in this hunt, I would have been sacrificed for you because I have no missing finger."

Recipe: Pizza Made with Pillsbury Crescent Rolls

2012-03-05T20:08:00.001-05:00

Ainsley and I made dinner tonight while Kristen was at the gym. We kind of made it up based on stuff we have in the refrigerator. We made Pillsbury Crescent Rolls stuffed with pizza fixings.

Ingredients:

One Can of Pillsbury Crescent Rolls
One small can of pizza sauce (We had a regular size can, and only used half.)
Shredded mozzarella cheese
16 pieces of pepperoni

Basically you pop open the crescent rolls, and unrolled them into triangles. This is a pain in the ass. One can contains eight triangles.

Put about 1 tablespoon of pizza sauce, a little shredded mozzarella, and two pieces of pepperoni on each triangle.

Roll them up according to the directions on the can. You can't really Crescent them... because they're pretty fat. Plop them on a cookie sheet (with no anti-sticking spray, etc.) and bake them at 375°F for about 12 minutes.

It makes eight rolls. Each roll is about the size of a small slice of pizza, so depending on your family you might double the recipe.

They have a slightly sweet taste because of the crescent rolls, serve you want more of a pizza flavor I'd recommend adding some garlic & oregano. We also made two of them without pepperoni, because Ainsley is a vegetarian. I tried both; the pepperoni ones were superior by far.

I don't think you could really use any other toppings because anything chunky would not roll very well. Anchovies would be a possibility, but peppers, mushrooms or onions would be too much.

Gourmet dinner... no. Twenty minute meal that kids like... yes.

Caption Contest: Bird w/ Mouse in Grill

2012-03-01T14:52:00.003-05:00

Caption Contest: I came across this photo today... and, well, I'm an animal lover but I still find this hilarious.

I decided to give away something awesome for the best caption.

Grand Prize: a Super Sampler of Kungaloosh Gourmet Tea + Kungaloosh Sticker

Mystery Word Prize: Single Tea Sampler + Kungaloosh Sticker

Honorable Mention: Single Tea Sampler

Here are the rules...

Grand Prize is chosen by me, Sunfyre. It should be funny and original.
Mystery Word Prizes for everyone who uses a particular word in their comment. What word? Well, that's the mystery. I'll announce it when the contest ends.
Honorable Mentions for basically everyone else. If you submit an entry, you win. It must be a legitimate attempt. You can't just type "asdfghjkl" or WTF. As zombies say, "I like you for your brains".

Eligibility

You must put a comment here on SunFyre.com. Entries via Facebook, twitter etc. aren't accepted.
You must sign in with a valid e-mail address.
You must share this page via Facebook, Twitter, Google+, re-blog it, or pin it on Pinterest.
Since pretty much everyone wins, I'll send you a personal e-mail from Kungaloosh.com and you will have to reply with a link to your share, and your mailing address where I can send you the tea.
My family and families of Kungaloosh employees aren't eligible, because you probably get free tea anyhow.
No exchanges for cash value, you cheap bastards.
Contest ends at Noon Eastern time, Friday, March 9, 2012. Meanwhile, keep sharing and entering. You can enter as often as you want, but are limited to one prize. Cheap bastards.
Prizes will only be awarded in the United States and Canada. (Sorry, UK, I'm not paying $20 to air mail you one cup of tea.)
Grand prize value: approximately $20.00, mystery word value approximately $5.00, honorable mention value $3.95. Offer void where prohibited.

Have Fun. Grand Prize and Mystery Word will be announced next Friday afternoon.

Whoopee Cushion -- Supporting Families Since 1920

2012-02-15T11:58:00.003-05:00

My children each received a $5.00 gift card to Dollar General for Valentine's Day. This may seem like a strange gift, but when your gross income is only $6.00 per week, it can be a favorite store.

Last night, my wife and I took the children to Dollar General in search of treasures.

My son found a Whoopee Cushion and my daughter found a fart machine, which can make six equally disgusting noises at the touch of a button. The novelty wore off before we left the store, so they opted for other purchases, but something occurred to me on the drive home....

... There is an entire industry, perhaps employing hundreds of people, in the manufacturing and distribution of devices that make flatulence sounds. What an awesome niche!

Somewhere there are little first graders who bring Dad into work on Career Day and he tells the children that he engineers whoopee cushions. Everyone likes it except the little girl whose dad is a firefighter, because she no longer has the coolest dad.

The Whoopee cushion was invented in 1920 by JEM rubber Co. of Toronto Canada. For the past 92 years the desire of nine-year-olds (and more than a few adult males) to make flatulence sounds artificially has supported manufacturer, distribution, and, yes, even technological advancement of the device.

Sources and Related Links:

Whoopee Cushion on Wikipedia

The Fart Thesaurus

Kiss Me on a Chair -- Anna Pillsbury (video)

2012-02-15T01:49:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day ended a little over an hour ago, but that doesn't mean we can't sing a love song, does it.

Anna Pillsbury thinks so.

I ran across this adorable little song on YouTube from an adorable young woman. I was stunned to see that was uploaded in June 2010, and as of this moment has only been watched 2442 times. I think she is worthy of being world-famous, or at least as famous as me.

Anyhow watch the video, then send all your friends to this page and tell them to watch it too, then share, share, share and let's see how many views we can round up for Anna.

In case you're wondering, I don't know her. Never met; I have no vested interest in her success. But I'm convinced that she epitomizes what the music industry should be. So help me make her rich, famous, or let's at least make her smile.

Good luck, Anna Pillsbury. If I ever meet you, I'll kiss you on a chair!

Download this song on iTunes: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/kiss-me-on-a-chair-single/id502228753

You can also follow Anna Pillsbury on Facebook.

Is 98% of America Still Racist? (part one)

2012-02-12T01:12:00.004-05:00

I made an active decision long ago that I wouldn't be racist. That may sound strange.

Probably 98% of you would say the same thing. In fact, 98% of you probably are racist, just to a much lesser degree than people labeled as racist.

Ask Newt Gingrich if he's racist, he'll tell you absolutely not. Ask virtually any intellectual black man if Newt Gingrich is racist, he'll tell you yes, absolutely.

There are degrees of racism, and the most enlightened among us are the people who acknowledge our own pre-judgments and make an active choice to dismiss them.

Let's take a look at the most extreme examples of racism.

On the one extreme we have members of hate groups. Organized groups (such as the original Ku Klux Klan) that not only dislike members of other races, but make a significant effort to see that people of other races are put down or hampered in their efforts to live a normal life.

The worst of these extremists are genocidal. The attempted extermination of the Jewish people during the Nazi reign or the attempted genocide that occurred in Bosnia and in several places in Africa.

Ironically, most of the worst racism in history had little to do with what people identify as the critical racial marker, skin color. In Rwanda the shape of the nose was considered the racial marker between warring groups, yet many people from Europe would be incapable of telling the two groups apart visually. To most Americans it's difficult to distinguish between Israelis and Palestinians based on skin tone or features.

Many may say these aren't racial wars, there are wars between religious beliefs. But in fact, there were probably hundreds of thousands of Jews that hadn't been to synagogue in decades that were still murdered. Even back as far as feudal England, your heritage was more likely to get you killed than your belief in any particular higher power. Often certain religious denominations became attached to a group of people, or vice versa, but it wasn't a particular belief that would lead to your demise.

In America most of the racism follows skin color boundaries. European whites are different than Africans, who are different from the native Central Americans and North Americans. Most of the suppression isn't directly because of religion or skin color, it's more based on socioeconomic culture.

At one point in our history the division between socioeconomic groups was clear. There were those who owned slaves and those who were slaves. This is probably the most polar any group can be to another, when one of them considers the other as their possession. Slavery wasn't invented in America, but it certainly was perfected.

Since then we've come a long way. Unfortunately, it's been a slow journey. Society has gradually reduced racism in the mainstream. But we aren't finished yet.

President Obama is our first dark skinned president. I'm happy he has broken through that barrier, but it certainly doesn't mean racism is dead. It means that enough people in the country are willing to vote for a black man, who acts very much like upper-middle-class white people, to elect him. The President along with hundreds of thousands of other black men and women have successfully made the leap from socioeconomic suppression into the mainstream. However, there are lots of people of color that are strong leaders and highly intelligent, but still speak and act in a manner that more closely resembles a lower socioeconomic status, regardless of their actual level of wealth. These leaders are unlikely to get mass acceptance.

We haven't eliminated racism by electing a black person, but it is a significant step forward. My children will be voting for the first time in 2020. Hopefully, skintone of our national leaders will more closely resemble the demographics of this country. When that happens, the checkboxes for race on census forms will be completely irrelevant. I don't expect that much progress in the next eight years, however, what I do know is that an intelligent man or woman who is passionate and dedicated will be elected president, and the color of their skin will be far less important.

So, with all this progress, why do I still believe that 98% of Americans are racist? And, why is it that I believe I'm among the 2%?

It's late... I'm tired... and you have a few things to ponder so we will continue this discussion again soon. Meanwhile, share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Great Valentine's Day Gift Ideas For Men and Women

2012-02-11T18:22:00.000-05:00

Some women know what men really want for Valentine's Day. This woman gave him a beautiful bouquet of bacon roses, a DVD and an Xbox 360 game. Most women would give their boyfriends some hot sex. While this is nice, let's face it, it's only about 11 minutes of pleasure. The bacon alone will last at least 15 minutes.

Men are guilty of this too. They buy chocolate or lingerie. What they're saying is they want their girlfriend to look sexy, but have no interest whatsoever in helping them stay that way. I'm thinking of getting my right a gym membership and a pair of sweatpants. It tells her,"I care about your health and your body, but I love you no matter what you look or dress like."

Think about Valentines from your lover's perspective. Get them what they desire, even if it's totally screwed up in your head!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers out there!

Shop Women's Clothing at Amazon

The Strange Case of Origami Yoda

2012-02-11T17:47:00.000-05:00

My son, Jason Andrew, just finished reading The Strange Case of Origami Yoda and the follow-up book in the series, Darth Paper Strikes Back: An Origami Yoda Book.

He loved both of them. He actually read them twice. In the books there are instructions to make Origami Yoda and Darth Paper.

Today I ran across the above photo of Origami Yoda. It's much more elaborate than the one they teach you to create in the books, but it's extremely cool. Jas' made about two dozen paper Darth Vader andYoda figures while he was reading the books.

Anyhow, if you are a nine-year-old boy in fourth grade you love them. If you are a 41-year-old guy who sometimes acts like a fourth grader, you'll also love these books.

If you'd like to purchase them, consider doing it from Amazon using my links. I think I earn about $.40 per book which go into the Jason's Million Project.

Description from Amazon

In this funny, uncannily wise portrait of the dynamics of a sixth-grade class and of the greatness that sometimes comes in unlikely packages, Dwight, a loser, talks to his classmates via an origami finger puppet of Yoda. If that weren’t strange enough, the puppet is uncannily wise and prescient. Origami Yoda predicts the date of a pop quiz, guesses who stole the classroom Shakespeare bust, and saves a classmate from popularity-crushing embarrassment with some well-timed advice. Dwight’s classmate Tommy wonders how Yoda can be so smart when Dwight himself is so clueless. With contributions from his puzzled classmates, he assembles the case file that forms this novel.

Friday Funnies: Losing Husbands and Wives

2012-02-10T12:00:00.000-05:00

Lost Wives

Two guys, one middle age, one young are pushing their carts around Walt-Mart when they collide.

The middle age guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The middle age guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'
To which the middle age guy says, 'Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours.'

Lost Husband

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the heck are you?"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that Jewelry Shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

The Honeymooners

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, memory loss has its advantages.

Friday Funnies: a couple LOLcats and one shameless plug

2012-02-09T00:34:00.000-05:00

Is this the new flavor at Kungaloosh Gourmet Tea Company?

Rapid Weight Loss is a Myth

2012-02-07T13:14:00.002-05:00

Today on Facebook one of my friends was talking about how he lost 15 pounds in the past seven days, and was so proud he was going to reward himself with a good meal.

He had been on a liquid diet, drinking only juices.

For his privacy, I've removed his name, but I want to share with you what I wrote to him. One of my biggest pet peeves is that there is an entire industry that has been created around weight loss. Books, pills, diet aids, specialty foods, juice machines and gastric surgery all have one thing in common. They lie to you about weight loss, and they have no motivation to actually cure you.

My Facebook friend (whom I don't know in real life) is going to enjoy a good meal and hop on his scale tomorrow to discover a 3 or 4 pound weight gain. This misinformation is going to convince him that juicing is working and food is bad.

What's really happening is his body is reacting to the changing intake. He was getting unlimited water, and his body was letting it go immediately. Now that he's eating again, his body will start retaining some of that liquid just in case it's needed later. A quart of liquid weighs over 2 pounds.

Anyhow, here is the note that I sent to my friend.

-- --

I saw your post about losing weight. Congratulations.

I just want to caution you not to overdo it. My wife lost 85 pounds and it took her over 18 months.

To lose 15 pounds of fat, you'd have to burn 49,500 calories in a week. For a 200 pound man, this would be over 70 hours walking briskly on a treadmill nonstop.

To lose 15 in a week means that most of the loss was water and intestinal cleansing. This is okay, but not sustainable.

Realistically you should be able to lose between 1 and 2 pounds weekly. This is somewhere between 500 and 900 extra calories daily. This way you can eat 2000 and burn 2500 to 2900, and have consistent weight loss.

This is the only way to lose weight and maintain your health.

If you currently weigh more than 400 pounds, you can about double that rate safely.

A crash diet is okay, and good to cleanse your body, but don't deprive yourself of nutrition. And don't expect that this pace can last, even for a little while.

I know we don't know each other, and I don't want to overstep, but I'm continually frustrated by the diet industry continually lying to people.

There are no secrets to losing weight. It's pure physics...

It takes X quantity of energy to move X quantity of mass over X quantity of distance within a period of time. It's the same calculation for the human body, a gasoline engine, or a rocket ship.

It requires heat energy (calories), to move mass (your body), a given distance in a given period of time (exercise). Weighing more, moving faster, or reducing caloric intake affect weight loss but absolutely nothing else does over the long-term.

Ignore super foods, diet pills, metabolism myths, etc.

I see you've been juicing. That's fine short-term, but it's a trick to rinse your body of fluids and bile. You will lose weight, but after a few days you were also drain your potassium and sodium and have no energy. Your body reacts to your reduced potassium by decreasing muscle tone. You may have heard of people who have died from excessive water intake? This is potassium shock. Juice is less damaging than water but will eventually have the same effect.

Drink juice because you liked it and it's better than the empty calories of soda, etc. but it patches a symptom, it isn't the solution.

I wish you best on your journey toward better health. My wife is currently 37, and she is in better health than she was in eighth grade.

My best,

Jason

Bachelor Casserole

2012-02-07T03:03:00.001-05:00

Tonight I made my kids "Bachelor Casserole" something I used to eat a long time ago. It's super easy, super cheap, it almost tastes like real food.

I stole this photo from the web, but it's kind of similar.

Here's the recipe: Bachelor Casserole

Ingredients:

Two bags of Ramen noodles (I used creamy chicken)
one can of condensed soup (cheesy broccoli was in the cupboard)
one can of meat (chunk chicken in this case)
fresh vegetable (clearly optional)
breadcrumbs (to make it look like real food, again optional)

When I was a bachelor Ramen noodles were only $.10 apiece. A can of condensed soup was about a quarter, and a can of meat was less than $1.00. For about a buck and a half I could make four meals.

Step #1 -- Cook the Ramen noodles. The flavor doesn't really matter, because the flavor packets are optional. This way you can make this beef noodles with a can of tuna if you want.

Step #3 -- Drain off most of the water and add the condensed soup. Cream of Something works best. Again, it doesn't really matter. I used cheesy broccoli only because it was in my cupboard and it would go well with the fresh broccoli and had in the fridge.

Step #3.1 -- Add the meat. I usually used tuna, but cans of turkey or chicken work well too. I never tried canned ham or spam, but it's probably similar. Corned beef hash is awesome with eggs, but I don't think I'd try it here.

Step #3.2 -- Stir until it's mixed thoroughly and warm throughout.

Step #2 -- You probably should have been cooking your veggies, but let's face it, you probably wouldn't have read all of the instructions as a bachelor, so you're not really behind.

I added veggies because I have children. If you're under 30 veggies are truly an option because nothing can kill you. If you're over 30, you discovered that maybe a vegetable would have been a good idea in your 20s. If you're over 40 like me, you miss the days when you could put anything in your stomach without waking up at 2:30 in the morning needing to take a shit. (If you think I'm joking, check out the timestamp on this blog entry.)

You can boil, steam, or microwave your veggies to soften them a bit.

You probably don't have breadcrumbs if you're a bachelor, but if you do sprinkling them on top will make it look less like whatever was in your stomach after a drinking binge. Again, if you're below 30 you rarely look at your food, so breadcrumbs are optional.

You can add seasoning if you want. I threw a little garlic powder on top tonight, because, well it's garlic. Oregano, salt and pepper and bacon bits have also been used in the past. Warning: adding spices can make it seem like actual cooking.

Step #4 -- Dump the slop into a flat dish. A pie pan is good, casserole dish, whatever; we know you're limited.

Step #5 -- I sprinkled the breadcrumbs and broccoli on top, but you could stir the veggies in. Whatever.

Step #6 -- I baked it for about half an hour. Again, pretty much everything was cooked before you started, so you just need to bake it until it looks right. Don't worry about the temperature setting, because you probably don't know how to use the fancy dials anyhow. For women, bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes.

You don't have to bake it, but I think it tastes a little better.

Step #7 -- Let it sit for about half an hour if you want it to be able to slice it, otherwise grab a spoon and dig in. If you're actually a bachelor, grab a big spoon and sit down in front of the television. At this point you realize the bottom is hot so you should probably grab a hot pad, a dish towel, or put on some pants.

If you're cooking for your girlfriend, make sure you don't want to marry this one, because this dish isn't going to score you any points. But if she's just a girl, you probably want to break out the plates so you don't look like a douche.

If you have kids and your wife isn't home, one big bowl and three spoons makes you Awesome Dad.

Enjoy your new cuisine...

Super Bowl predictions for 2012

2012-02-05T17:42:00.000-05:00

My prediction for the Super Bowl is based more on like/dislike than science. I've just never been a New England Patriots fan. I'm not a huge Giants fan either, primarily because they are in the same division as the Cowboys, however since the Cowboys are long gone I'm going to take the Giants.

The New York Giants will win the Super Bowl, because they have been able to put together at crunch time this whole season. They started out injured, and improved every week. When they finally beat the Cowboys on the last game of the season, they looked like a world-class football team. At that time I said they could go all the way.

Eli Manning is as good a quarterback as any in the league, including Tom Brady. The difference between Manning and Brady this year is their receiving corps. Tom Brady has a bunch of average receivers, and spreads the ball around well. Eli Manning has amazing receivers. Three of them are capable of going the distance on any given play. Because of that, I think they will have a strong running offense.

In a shoot out, I think Brady has the advantage, however I think the Giants are capable of controlling the tempo. If they can hold the ball more than 30 minutes, they will win.

Fumbles are the dealbreaker. They are even worse than interceptions, because with Brady and Manning interceptions are usually well downfield. Fumbles, however, could completely change the game.

If the Giants lose it will be because they dropped the ball, and failed to pick it up again, literally.

For those of you contemplating wagers, Giants over Patriots, 28-24.

With that said, I never put money on the games. I'm pretty good at predicting winners when Ben Franklin isn't involved.

Last prediction, Madonna's 50-year-old boobs will stay inside her wardrobe.

Credits: The term Super Bowl, the Lombardi trophy, and its logos are property of the NFL. Helmet designs are copyright of their respective teams. Madonna photo courtesy of Reuters/Jeff Haynes.

Simple Voter's Guide: How You Should Vote in 2012

2012-02-04T01:37:00.000-05:00

There are so many issues and so many opinions. Sometimes, it comes down to some basic core values. Here is a handy guide to voting for President of the United States.

Before you comment... this was meant to be funny. Keep your ranting in check. Children may be reading this blog as they stumble upon it while searching for porn.