Super Secret Rantings

She works (pseudo) hard for the money...

2008-03-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

It’s time for Little Miss Westchester to get a part-time job.

The fact of the matter is, my time at Company X is no longer paying the bills (I like to shop) and apparently I can no longer get by on my looks alone****; as a result, I have spoken with good friend Moody St. Clair about getting a second job working with her at the mall. I have an interview on Tuesday. Wish me luck.

Admittedly, there are pros and cons with taking on additional jobs, especially additional jobs that are based at the mall.

Those being:

Pro: More Money
Con: More Work
Pro: Potential for some cool freebies from the new job
Con: Dealing with the public (Translation: Ugly People.)

But on the up side, I am looking forward to the possibility of a second income, even if that income is spent entirely on makeup, rhinestones, and shiney things I can fit into my mouth.

Yay second job!

****Lifetime Gross Income earned from Looks Alone: $0.00.

Just when I was beginning to sleep through the night...

2008-03-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

Apparently there are worse things out there than a squirrel with a shifty gaze....

CLICK HERE to read the article accompanying this headline...and to watch the video. Ohhh that horrible, horrible video!

UPDATE:

Moody St. Clair: I wonder if he is related to the gnome who lives at the end of my hall. Have I ever told you about him?

Little Miss Westchester: NO! And please don't. I don't think I would ever be able to come back to your apartment.

Moody: No, he's nice. He doesn't ever leave his apartment though; but, he did make a toboggan out of Popsicle sticks this winter.

Westchester: !?!?!?

Moving: what's it good for?

2008-03-04T22:12:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, I told Mister Mister that I would help him move.

In my mind, this was a commitment to appear in a mostly supervisory capacity, with a peppering of light lifting if something like a pillow or a bottle of cologne needed to be taken to the car. In his mind, I was promising to lend my blood, sweat and tears to one of the most annoying and difficult undertakings known to the young and mobile.

Moving. I hate moving.

In fact, I have lived in my apartment for almost 4 years now; and not because it is my favorite place in the world, or because I like the haunting sound of hobos rummaging through my garbage at all hours of the night. No, I haven’t moved because the fact of the matter is: I am perhaps the laziest person known to man-with the exception of maybe Paris Hilton and the entire cast of the Real World: Seattle.

I am so lazy, that I will pick cloths up off the floor with my feet so that I won’t have to bend down to retrieve them; I will wait several days to get my mail so I won’t have to carry it; and, I am so lazy that there has been a bag of shoes in the trunk of my car for over a year now, because I don’t have the energy to bring them to a cobbler.

So you can imagine my surprise when Mister asked me to help him carry his T.V. stand because it was too big for one person to carry.

Luckily, Mister is a good boyfriend, and he didn’t press the issue when I told him I was there for moral support rather than to carry anything to the car or to help him pack his glassware.

Three hours later, after the last box had been loaded into the car and the last scratch on the wall had been subtly painted over with White Out, Mister and I drove off into the night; Mister with the exhausted but unwavering knowledge that he still have hours of work ahead of him, and me with the hankering for a chocolate ice cream cone and some hugs.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2008-03-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I told a GIANT lie....

2008-02-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

You fools, there was no lie (unless you count excuses I have used to get out of manual labor, or the pledge I made to myself to stop eating cheese)! That little ruse was just one of the many clever tricks I use to get you to keep reading my blog-and you fell for it! WAH ha ha ha ha!

Anyhow, I wanted to tell you about a movie I have fallen in love with by the name of Eagle vs. Shark. The perfect blend of Napoleon Dynamite’s cinematic quirkiness and Welcome to the Dollhouse’s angst (two movies I also enjoyed)-Eagle vs. Shark charts two social outcasts' efforts to fall in love and do it.

With a cast and soundtrack made up of New Zealand's finest, the movie stars Flight of the Conchord’s Jermaine Clement in the not-so-titular role of Jarrod, and Loren Horsley as the film’s tongue-tied heroine Lily. I like this movie because it is not your typical romantic comedy. The characters are often unattractive and usually wearing something out of a Richard Simmons' video.

In short, Eagle vs. Shark is not The Notebook; but, that's fine by me. Who wants to see good looking people fall in love anyway? Not me! I would rather sit through another one of my grandma's very-detailed accounts of what she put on the sandwhich she made herself for dinner last night.

This post is like my dead fish Elvis-filled with regrets of what could have been.

2008-02-28T10:22:00.000-08:00

If you are like me, you try to incorporate elaborate analogies into everyday conversations...and you have a love/hate relationship with cheese.

That's why I was THRILLED when good friend Spanish Houlihan sent me THIS- a list of the top 56 "worst" student analogies compliled by area teachers, and printed by the Washington Post.

Here are some of the highlights:

He was as tall as a 6′3″ tree.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like “Second Tall Man.”

Enjoy.

Shameless Plug: My Cousin-Teacher of the Year

2008-02-24T15:45:00.000-08:00

I would be lying if I said this video was about my cousin; however, it is a funny little short about a less-than-charismatic teacher being interviewed for a spot on a public access show.

CLICK HERE to enjoy the show!

It's time for a comeback!

2008-02-17T20:30:00.001-08:00

I have been told by the three people who used to read my blog, that they miss Little Miss Westchester.

Truth be told, I miss them too; and not just because they have given me compliments (which is very high up on the list of my favorite things, behind only reruns of Get Smart and the shiny things I want to put in my mouth), but also because I like to create art work on Microsoft Paint, and this is clearly the only venue where such skills can be put to good use in the real world.

Luckily, I live in a small bubble of office dronedom and in the three months since my last posting, I have only a few key updates to speak of:

1. I have been moved to a desk by the window. Upside, a view of the sunshine and a connection to the world outside; downside, a cubi-cell neighbor who likes to listen to Soulja Boy on repeat out of his computer speakers.

2. Over the past three months I have had many opportunities to travel to glamorous (a word I can now spell without spell check thanks to some catchy lyrics by Fergie) places such as Amsterdam, Cabo San Lucas, and Bayview, Wisconsin.

3. After a brief respite, Department X's unofficial Christmas Countdown is back up, now coming in at a grand total of 311 days until Christmas. You can imagine my delight.

4. I recently swam with dolphins. They were merry.

5. I still fear Squirrels and wish for their swift demise.

6. In Mexico there are large squirrels called Agoutis. I accidentally saw one give birth. It was horrible. But I could not look away.

7. I have learned how to play Cribbage! A game of strategy and cunning, my love for this little joust with cards is swiftly surpassing my lust for rhinestones; however, the card game requires constant basic addition from its players, thus serving as a constant reminder of my inadequacies in remedial math and basic addition.

Well, that's all for now! I don't want to reveal TOO many of my secrets!

But I promise to blog again soon-thanks for checking back!

Leaving on a jet plane...

2007-11-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am leaving for a week-long business trip this Saturday, and I won't be back for a whole week.

Not that I am posting all that much these days that you would notice; but, I thought I would let you know anyway, as I am sure a good post will await you upon my return.

In the meantime, let me introduce you to my newest purse obsession.

Super Secret Readers, meet purse. Purse, say hello to my Super Secret Readers....

L.A.M.B. be thy name.

Happy Halloween

2007-10-31T11:03:00.000-07:00

In lieu of participating in Company X’s annual Halloween celebration last Friday, I decided to take a “mental health” day off from work and spend an afternoon of shopping and manicures with my mom.

Rather than go to our tried and tested mani/pedi spot, my mother insisted on checking out a newly-opened nail place that she had recently discovered in search of “a better deal.”

Ignoring for a moment that my mother’s “Magic Nails Salon” was located in the city’s oldest part of town, I accepted her proposal without protest-as I am flexible like that, and she was fitting the bill; however as soon as we pulled up to the store front, I had the sinking suspicion that any money we saved on manicures would quickly be spent on necessary, post-manicure tetanus shots.

My suspicions were, unfortunately, confirmed when we pulled up to the structure where the nail salon was located. Before housing nail salons and other such shops, the building itself had probably served as a two-family home; so long ago perhaps, that by the looks of the place, some of the town’s founding settlers had probably lent a hand in its construction.

Once we entered the store, I was quickly assigned to a small man-icurist named Kevin, who silently led me to his booth, where I was instructed to remove my rings and sit down.

For a blessed while, Kevin completely ignored me, choosing instead to converse with another salon employee in Vietnamese. This discussion lasted for quite a while, with Kevin breaking from the dialog only once to exclaim, “I don’t care if your husband’s a doctor!”

Finally, he turned his attention back to me and spoke.

Kevin: Are you married?
Westchester: Noooooo….
Kevin: …….Oh my, you have short nails! No, these are no good. You want me to put tips on them?
Westchester: No, no. My nails are ok.
Kevin: (Pause) No, these are not ok. Let me put on tips. You give me three months, and I can have your nails as long as MINE!

And with that, Kevin threw down the nail file he was holding and matter-of-factly fanned out his nails for my viewing pleasure. Each tiny digit was adorned with dramatically long fingernails-whose extreme lengths were only to be out done by the longest nails that adorned his pinky fingers. Kevin’s eyes flared with pride, and I bit my lip to hold back the screams that so desperately wanted to come out.

At that point, my mother shouted over her shoulder that I was a life-long nail biter, far beyond any sort of nail-biting redemption.

Kevin slowly shook his head in sad resignation; my short nails a personal affront to the very long, very cat like nails he had worked so hard to cultivate on his own hands.

The Trouble with Teats

2007-10-25T12:59:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I received an e-mail from a coworker subjected, "Teat Day."

I feverishly e-opened the note, all the while wondering how long I would have to wait before a "Human Resources Apology/Retraction for Teat Day" graced my inbox.

It quickly became clear to me that this salacious e-mail was just the unfortunate error of a harried, and forgetful employee; as the body of the e-mail went on to say that there were “treats in the break room,” rather than detailing the entry rules for Company X's first-ever wet t-shirt contest.

In the end, this e-mail will still go down in Westchester-history as yet another chapter in Department X's long and storied history of bumbling, poorly-executed treat exchanges.

As you may recall from previous postings, Department X's weekly Treat Days are the source of much inter-department squabbles; and, after receiving several verbal warnings myself after bringing in "unsatisfactory" treats, I no longer chose to participate in these ironically-tedious dessert-shares.

On another note, only 61 days to Christmas.

Like two sides of a very strange little coin.

2007-10-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

The other night, Mister Mister’s friend Matt said that Mister and I are so alike, that I am like a female version of him

Does this mean that Mister also suffers from uncontrollable urges to put rhinestones in his mouth, and flees in complete terror from squirrels?

God I hope not.

Confessions of a Superhero

2007-10-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

As you may recall, Little Miss Westchester likes to imagine herself as something of a superhero. Delusions of grandeur, you might be thinking? I don't think so.

But I can't help but identify with these fallen heroes, in this very cool, very interesting documentary, Confessions of a Superhero. I watched the trailer for this bad boy, and I have to say I am intrigued. Up, up, and away!

"CONFESSIONS OF A SUPERHERO is a feature length documentary that chronicles the lives of three mortal men and one woman who make their living working as superhero characters on Hollywood Boulevard. This deeply personal look into their daily routines reveals their hardships and triumphs as they pursue and achieve their own kind of fame. The Hulk sold his Super Nintendo for a bus ticket to LA; Wonder Woman was a mid-western homecoming queen; Batman struggles with his anger, while Superman’s psyche is consumed by the Man of Steel. Although the Walk of Fame is right beneath their feet, their own paths to stardom prove to be long, hard climbs."

Duck Tales

2007-10-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

There is a woman in my office who sneezes like a duck.

I am not kidding, a frickin' duck.

Well either a duck, or someone punching a duck; which, either way you look at it, is pretty terrible.

And to add insult to already egregious injury, she seems to be allergic to her cubi-cell, thus ensuring a guaranteed hourly rendition of, “Donald Duck Sings the Blues***."

I want to leave some sort of a note on this woman’s desk to communicate my dissatisfaction with her constant duck noises. Something subtle; something that will get the point across without causing a stir; perhaps, a little something like THIS.

***Not a real song.

80 days until Christmas...

2007-10-05T14:37:00.000-07:00

I like to listen to music in my cubi-cell.

Frankly, it is the only way I can get any work done.

Unfortunately, I also like to silently sing to the music as well, which is the driving force behind today’s little work-related blunder. While jamming along to the Bangles quintessential hit, “Eternal Flame” I quickly found myself lost in the song, dancing and moving my lips along to the music.

It wasn’t until the 2nd time through the chorus that I felt someone looking at me. Quickly I turned around, in time to see Sideshow Bob (known to you here as Coworker J) and Coworker M standing behind me and watching my display.

This, as you might imagine, is not an ideal way to end a work week.

On the bright side, the infamous Christmas Countdown has resumed....

Happy birthday Hope Valentine!

2007-09-26T14:51:00.001-07:00

Today is good friend Hope Valentine's birthday.

This means only 22-some birthdays separate Hope and me from that fateful first play date we shared in kindergarten where a tiff ensued after I told her I hated her favorite gold lame dress up shoes.

Mothers and Daughters

2007-09-26T14:10:00.001-07:00

Mom: So what are you doing this weekend?

Westchester: Well on Saturday Mr. Mister's friends are having a Gangsta party, so on Friday night we are going to a Good Will to try and find him something to wear for that.

Mom: Well I have that prisoner costume in the basement if you want to use it....

Westchester: No Mom, not gangst-ER. Gangst-A.

Mom:...........?

Worst Case Scenario: Departmental Meetings

2007-09-20T15:19:00.000-07:00

Today Department X gathered for our quarterly update meetings.

The perfect blending of power point presentations, some VERY long speeches, and the occasional sprinkling of bland corporate humor, Department X update meetings are, in my opinion, the natural solution to insomnia!

As a general rule, these meetings are met with overwhelming disdain from all but a few of the department’s veteran overachievers. I have always fallen into that first category, hating the meetings just a little less than Squirrels, but perhaps a little more than Coworker E.

Also, my plan to arrive late to the meeting (in a bid to miss whatever business that I could) backfired, resulting in a guaranteed seat in the front row. Luckily, Peaches Wilson was slightly MORE late to the meeting-earning herself a significantly-worse spot between my seat and the slide projector.

When it was all said and done, the meeting lasted an hour and a half.

AN HOUR AND A HALF!

Admittedly, the first 10 minutes weren’t so bad. However, after spending 30 mind-numbing minutes learning about corporate opportunities abroad, my mind checked out completely and I spent the remaining 60 minutes trying to devise a clever way to sleep with my eyes open. For all of my efforts, not only did I NOT master the sleep-while-appearing-awake-look, but instead developed a slightly lazy eye and a puddle of drool on the front of my shirt.

At one point, Peaches Wilson passed me a note that read: “Yawn.”

Not to be outdone, I quickly scribbled out my own perspective on the happenings, a note that simply said: "I am dying inside."

To that, she solemnly nodded and silently pointed to the drool stain on my shirt.

In remembrance of those we lost.

2007-09-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

Going to the chapel.

2007-09-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Beaker Callahan is getting married next week.

And while, in reality, this wedding will make her Mrs. Beaker Wermerskirchen, I think in the spirit of brevity (and my own personal sanity), we will leave her name as Callahan on this blog.

During next week's much-anticipated nuptials (the wedding of the season, as far as I am concerned), I will be standing in as Beaker's Maid of Honor-a job that requires little knowledge of hand to hand combat, but has everything to do with making sure the bride has an (as close as humanly possible) worry-free experience.

As this is my second time in the role, I believe that I am prepared for whatever challenges may come my way....save perhaps a squirrel infestation in the ball room, in which case, Beaker-you are on your own!

However this weekend, I will be staying close to home to help my new boyfriend-that's right, my boyfriend-celebrate his birthday. I started dating Mr. Mister a little over 2 months ago-and am really enjoying the whole thing. Although, having been mostly-single for the better part of three years, it is an odd thing not having to worry about being the only single member in attendance of an otherwise couple's night out, or desperately having to scrounge up a plus one-for any weddings or couple-centric events that might come my way.

I haven't told Mr. Mister about Super Secret Rantings; however, I hope that when I do, he can accept my many quirks, including the fact that I have numerous fears, many of which are fictional or could fit comfortably inside of a lunch box.

MUCH Needed Update Post

2007-09-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

Hi all! So sorry for the REdiculous lack of posting.

First Company X was cracking down on Internet use.

Next I started having writer's block.

Then I went on vacation for 2 weeks!

And now.....well, let's just say I am going to give it my all to get back in the game!

What prompted this return to Internet "journalism," you might be wondering? Well the answer to that can be summed up very easily.....I saw a naked guy walking down a busy street in downtown Milwaukee the other night-and thought you should know!

For a long time, I thought I was the only one who saw the slowly meandering marauder, however, no sooner had he made his way within visible distance of one of the bustling corner bars that I heard a woman's scream. At that point, the man looked confused, turned on his heels, and continued his lazy evening walk elsewhere.

What happened to the naked guy, one can only guess. However, I hope he is ok. It takes balls to walk down a busy city street, naked-and while, I am fairly certain he was seriously f'ed up-I have to hand it to that guy!

Have you ever wondered...

2007-07-12T13:29:00.000-07:00

...what you would look like as an M&M?

Well I have!

Which is why I was so thrilled when I discovered THIS website the other day that allows you to customize your very own M&M character.

Here I am with one of my coworkers.

Perhaps I overreacted ...

2007-07-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I sent one of my brothers to Qudoba to get me a taco salad. I was very patient with him over the phone, implicitly listing off the things that I wanted on my salad. Shredded cheese and Queso sauce were among that list-a point that proved very confusing for my brother.

Fast forward 10 minutes later when he returns home with the salad...well, the salad minus the controversial queso sauce. Here is the (abridged) version of the conversation that ensued:

Westchester: What the hell, there is no queso sauce on here!

Brother: You gotta be kidding me.

Westchester: (Voice raised) I very specifically asked you to get queso sauce on my salad!!!

Brother: I hate you.

Westchester: Yeah, well the feeling is mutual.

Flight of the Conchordes

2007-07-02T14:12:00.000-07:00

If you are like me, you are afraid of ninjas and don’t like to spend too much time in the dark.

Also, you probably don’t have cable, an inconvenient point that forces you to go to your parent’s house anytime you want to see Project Runway or watch movies with gratuitous nudity, very weak plotlines, and poorly-acted sex scenes.

Anyway, if any of those things sound familiar, then you would probably LOVE HBO’s new original series Flight of the Conchords. So far, there hasn’t been any nudity….but on the up side, it is a hilarious show about two guys from New Zealand trying to make it as musicians in New York City. The actors are very funny, and everything from the songs in the show to the ridiculous dialog is truly great comedy. I highly recommend it!

If you are interested, check out The Conchords performing their song “Business Time” HERE.

Four states in three days, and that ain’t bad.

2007-06-26T09:27:00.001-07:00

The saying goes, “what happens in Evansville, Indiana, STAYS in Evansville, Indiana,” and this is especially true when you are attending a wedding and reception in a casino.

Yes, this past Friday, Jazzy A, Foxy Sunshine and I took a road trip down south to attend the much-anticipated nuptials of college friends Allison and Mathew (spelled with only one T, a lesson I learned the hard way after I had already addressed their card in black ink).

In our down time, Foxy, Jazzy and I crossed the bridge into neighboring Kentucky in hopes of hitting up the county fair (this means that in the course of three days, I was in Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, AND Kentucky. 4 states in 3 days! Now THAT’S living!). Unfortunately, the fair was an evening thing, so the girls and stopped for lunch (corndogs!!) at a Sonic Drive-In burger joint before heading home to get ready for the wedding.

As you might imagine, the nuptials were lovely. With a 7:30PM start time, this was to be an evening ceremony. The church was illuminated by candlelight with the last bits of light from the setting sun streaming through richly-colored stained glass windows. The bride wore an elegant champagne-colored gown and long flowing veil, the groom was dapper in his black tuxedo, and the wedding party looked wonderful in tuxedos and floor-length, chocolate-colored dresses.

After the ceremony, the newlyweds marched out of the church to songs from the original Starwars trilogy, a choice that surprised me until I glanced over and noticed an audience member had donned a Chewbacca mask. This, I later learned, was a tribute to the groom.

Next it was onto the Aztar Casino for drinks, dancing and warm appetizers.

All in all it was a wonderful weekend! I got to spend time with some of my dearest friends, and I was able to attend a really fun wedding, with lots of personal touches (see: Chewbacca mask).

The one down side was the total of 16 hours I spent in the car, because, as I can assure you, road trips are not my favorite thing. Here are some photos from the 12-hour portion of our drive that we spent in the winding, and ever-varied landscapes of Indiana:

Congratulations again to Allison and Mathew! And as I signed in your official wedding guest book, "May your lives together be filled with happy endings, and may you always live by a Super Target." Also, thanks again to Jazzy and Foxy for an unforgettable weekend of fun-can't wait to see you in Milwaukee in the upcoming weeks!