superficialistics

2012-10-17T13:57:00.000+08:00

It's been a while...

My life, as usual, is in topsy-turvy... as much as I want to publish what is in my mind through Facebook or Twitter I gave myself with no choice but mum. I don't want to be regarded as an "emo" again. I hate it. Despite the fact that deep inside me, I am indeed an emo. I am an emotional being.

So many things had happened in my life and believe it or not, I am almost 26 but I am still lost. Tragic, eh? Or perhaps this is just all because of how my brain works... I have become so afraid with my mind, like Dr. Spencer Reid, I guess there is nothing more frightening than being scared with ones mind. How tragic.

There are so many things I would like to do in my life but I am always restrained by the dictates of the society. I know, I really don't have to submit myself to the standards the society had set, but it is my duty, as a human being, to cohabitate with others regardless how superior or inferior they are to me.

For the moment, as Gavin Degraw slaps the "Not Over You" song to me, I recoil to my safe zone for comfort. I am too afraid to face reality but I am so tired of retreating to my dreamworld.

"No matter what I say I'm... not over you..."

Regrets

2011-07-31T14:48:00.000+08:00

This is the point of my life where regret is chasing me in the darkness. I should have left, few months ago, I should have left. Although I know that what ifs and if onlys would do no good anymore, I just can't help wishing for it. This is stupid, I know. It's part of me, I guess --- to be stupid.

Today is the worst day of my life ever. As much as I want to disclose the reason why, I can't as I am too ashamed to admit the mistake that I have committed. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be boxed in an emotion that I could have parried. This is intolerable, totally unforgivable, and I am not sure how long will I be able to get over this seemingly insuperable blight.

Sigh.. as always.. a sigh. My tears had gone dry from my eyes. Although everything's a cycle, but this one is way too far different from the other. Only one thing remains: it will be bound to be hidden in the abysmal section of my heart.

to the Instrument of My Existence...

2011-04-04T18:32:00.002+08:00

I was you and you were me and I guess that's the reason why we could not stand each other's company. Now that you have finally taken your rest, who would've thought that I would miss you this much?

I used to wish for your nagging to peter out and I know that you used to wish for my rebellion to end. I know that I have gotten into your nerves, but you chose to ignore it as you were aware that mine was just an act of a grandstander. You were with pride and I was with hurt, thus we never had the chance to converse with each other. We were living on the same roof but we would only communicate through my brother and sisters. However, I am amazed by our relationship because despite that, we both knew what we want for each other.

Hence, I worked hard for my college and started looking for a job that would be enough to finance my night out gimmicks and expensive pastimes. I really didn't mind working at early in the morning while taking classes at night. I would never get the honors anyway so why waste an effort, right? Although I knew you would rather have me achieve that academic distinction, I was only aiming for the credential that would emancipate me from my nerve-racking but high-paying job.

When my siblings told me that you somehow felt ashamed for not supporting my collegiate pursuits, I thought it was already clear to you that I was only doing you a favor. Besides, it was my choice and I was pleased with what I was doing because of the benefits that I was getting. Aside from that, depending on you for my personal needs would mean a failure on your part because you have inculcated in me the value of being independent.

With you I have learned that the world would never stop from turning every time I fall. With you I have realized that we all have our own lives and it is our responsibility to live it the way how it should be. With you I have discovered the reality of myself and my capacity to materialize all the visions I have in mind. With you I have understand the true nature and intricacies of human society. With you I have become what I have become and I am so much grateful, despite the ambivalence, of your ephemeral existence.

I know you were proud of me as I was proud of you. As what they have seen and observed --- I was you and you were me and thank heavens we were given the gift of interacting in silence.

Lucid Dream!

2011-04-01T07:37:00.000+08:00

I finally had a lucid dream! Unfortunately, I snapped out of it immediately right after I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream. It felt so creepy and my whole body was shivering from chills. I can feel the goosebumps invading my totality. Just when I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong and I felt a tinge of regret for getting so scared. I should have let the dream carry on.

A lucid dream by the way is a type of dream where the dreamer is aware that he is only dreaming. Scientific researches have been conducted about it and the veracity of its phenomenon has been established.

My interest in lucid dreaming commenced when I started dreaming weird and symbolic dreams. Some of which came true, like my travel in Manila, and some other scenarios which I cannot simply disclose for some reasons.

The lucid dream that I had was weird just like any others. And it actually involved the person who I wish to see in my dream because I want to ask some clarifications. However, I was not able to get a hold of my goal because I panicked when I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream.

A Getaway.

2011-02-21T21:16:00.002+08:00

Watched Anastasia. Watched Shutter Island. Ate dinner. Watched Tangled. Received a call. Took a bath. Left home. Went to Marj's unit. Surprised. Amazed. Talked. Read Bob Ong. Lost track. Talked. Sound trip. Ate ice cream. Drank iced tea. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Called Jhong. Picked up Jhong. Amused. Laughed. Ate ice cream. Talked. Sound trip. Checked FB. Ate Kay's sumptuous dish. Texted Buddy happy birthday. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Read Pugad Baboy. Slept. Awoken by Jhong. Texted a cab. Checked FB. Checked Twitter. Accompanied Jhong. Waited for taxi. Watched Jhong went off. Went back to Marj's unit. Slept. Woke up. Ate macaroni salad. Talked. Sound trip. Kay left. Talked. Sound trip. Took heavy breakfast. Read Pugad Baboy. Accompanied Marj to work. Waited for Marj outside her working place. Hitched. Dropped by at an ATM machine. Forgot pin code. Went home. Wrote something on the journal. Fell asleep. Woke up. Checked FB. Ate bread. Received a call. Wrote a note on FB. Went off to Bo's Coffee.

Tomorrow's rest day. Sleep. Watch movie. Review lessons. Wander around cyberspace. Break. Life. Getaway.

The Horrible Side of Me

2011-02-15T14:50:00.004+08:00

Just like any others, I have my own share of insularities; as much as I want to contain them, but human as I am, I also have my uncontrollable whims. What might be inoffensive to others might be offensive to me, what might be inoffensive to me might be offensive to others.

It is difficult to understand. Human beings are as unfathomable as its origin. However, that's how the nature works, that's how the world maneuvers --- I could abhor it, sure I would, but who am I to even the score when I am just but a speck of it.

I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to be offended. But what transpired was another story. This fury, I want to contain, for I do not want to catch sight of my rage. That is why I always prefer silence; for my words can turn into a double-edged sword anytime, ready to slash any emotion of any ego that would come my way.

I was angry, and now I am hurt. Although there is no need for me to explain myself, as I was the one who was publicly humiliated, but letting this out in the open is the only way for me to let go of my chagrin and get ahold of myself back into composure. It was no joke, but it was for theirs. They didn't know that I could no longer raise my eyes as I could not bear to see the mockery painted on their faces. Their defeaning cheers had turned into a bunch of poisonous and sharp arrows fired at me: lacerating every inch of my skin, piercing through my veins, perforating my soul. I was caught off guard, I had no choice. Like a sailor passing through the Strait of Messina, it is either I have to confront Scylla or Charybdis. The terrible thing is, I was only forced to board that ship and I have no right to be defiant.

The sense of betrayal keeps on ringing in my ears. What occured was a very shallow act, I know, but it was not insubstantial to me --- and that's what afflicts me the most. Worst thing is, although I could easily forgive, but I could not easily forget. What happened might just fade away, but the racking sensation has been etched in my memory.

No, I am not asking for any sympathy. I have already anticipated the false impression. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am feeling; I, myself, could not even grasp the rationale behind my immature and childish response. This is how I feel. People may tell me to get control of my emotions, but no one can just tell anyone to stop the feeling because it is very superficial. We have our own impulses, and sometimes these impulses are so hard to restrain no matter what you do. It would really flare up once in a while.

I do not mean to justify my reaction, I am only speaking my mind up. After this, I will have to think of ways on how to act normal in front of everybody. I may still be able to smile, proceed like nothing happened, but how I wish it's just as simple as that. The course of tides had changed. The time has come for me to choose between Scylla and Charybdis, and now I am crushed because I don't know which options to take.

I could set aside the emotion and pretend that everything is okay, but I could not tolerate any teasing and I might get irked. I could be branded as narrow and overrated, but I could care less and I couldn't mind. Maybe I would just cross the bridge when I get there, but it is the uncertainties of my reaction that terrifies me. And that, I guess, is the most horrible side of me. =(

Dear Anna...

2011-02-09T22:02:00.001+08:00

I am the most blessed person today. Despite the challenges that I have encountered, despite the lethargic morning, I am still happy for this day. Who wouldn't be? When today is one of the most special days of my life.

I feel so blessed today because today marks the birthday of one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my whole life, and I wonder what would my life be without her? It might sound exaggerated, but I am just expressing what I feel inside. Meeting her for the first time years ago, I never thought she would befriend me. Her intelligence and elegance had intimidated me, thus the surprise when she first came to me and talked. Her gregariousness changed my opinion of her, but it was her kindness and passion that melted my heart. Since then, I have been admiring her for her goodness and understanding. The moments we have shared together: the food trips, the midnight chats, the volunteer works - even with our differences, she was still able to get used to my diffident behavior and nonsense insights. Despite of the times that I have failed her expectations, her forgiving heart and open-mindedness keeps our friendship intact and I am so much grateful for that.

Happy birthday friend. May our friendship go stronger everyday. I love you so much and I pray for more blessings and goodness to come. ^_^

the struggle

2011-01-07T10:24:00.000+08:00

Alone here in the classroom, it seems that my students have forgotten that they have a technical writing class at this hour. What a crap!

I have always been lenient with my classes, perhaps the reason why most of the students take me so lightly. Although I am trying to justify that what I am doing is not wrong, I am their teacher for pete's sake, not their babysitter! It is not my responsibility to remind them every now and then about their class whatsoever. They are already out of high school; this is no longer grade school! Sigh.

As much as I want to be strict, but I knew how college life is, btdt. That's the exact reason why instead of acting as an instructor, I try hard to be their academic partner by discussing the things that I have learned about this particular subject. Well, I guess I have to change my strategy. Being friendly does not work for me.

Monsters are Real...

2010-07-05T13:24:00.001+08:00

When I was a child, I have already known that monsters are real for I have met one... two... no, three... when I am all alone and no one is around, the monsters would crept into my room... I would not scream, nor shout as I was told that I would not be hurt... I would only whimper in silence as I watch the monsters devour every little pieces of my precious treasures... The monsters would let me play and they were successful in making me their prey... I thought it was okay only to find myself digging my own grave.... I was able to escape but the scars were so horrible it remained... I tried to hide it and although no one has seen it, I have already become a slave to my past...

Now that I am old, the monsters still exist... Although they could no longer scare me as they could no longer dare to come near me but I am afraid that they are going to make my little angels their prey... I am not always at their side and I wish there is something I could do to make the monsters go away, but my hands are tied, bound by the law created by men...

I should have spoken but Justice was blind... I thought of doing it now but who would believe a rebellious and deviant lass? Veracity maybe mine but credibility is theirs... How could I speak when every time my mouth opens their ears are covered... Even though I knew I was not the only one but the others also chose to be mum...

Lost Sense

2010-06-08T03:22:00.006+08:00

And now, here comes anger...

Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.

Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.

People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.

0319angered100806

Emotional Blindness

2010-06-04T23:16:00.008+08:00

Call me selfish, call me bitter, call me chicken, but how can one run away from a quandary in a labyrinth?

It was Monday, May 31st. At around 7 in the morning, I was awakened by my mother's cry, calling for my youngest sister's name. She was complaining about something I did not understand; perhaps she was nagging again, i thought, as she usually does. I closed my eyes and was about to take my 30 minutes of sleep back when finally my ears caught the words my mother was muttering --- SHE COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. I got out from my bed and walked to her room, the door was open and I saw her leaning on the wall. I helped her sit at the edge of her bed as she continued mumbling, "WALA KO KASABOT SA AKONG GIBATI. WALA NA KO'Y MA.FEEL " She was in the state of panic and I spared no effort to make her calm but she kept on weeping. I was not sure if it was terror that consumed me or what. I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. She was sweating profusely but her hand was very cold. I then yelled for my sister who came in a jiffy. She started massaging my mom's right arm and told me to wake my younger brother up to ask for help from my relatives who were just in the neighborhood.

When my aunties and cousins came, we then decided to admit her in a hospital as we have no idea on what was happening to her. My youngest sister was crying, venting her fears of what would happen to our mom. I, on the other hand, tried to console her AS I SEARCHED FOR MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE DEEP INSIDE. Should I be crying as well or terrified maybe? MY MOTHER WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ATTACK NO ONE OF US KNEW. I watched my cousin carry my mother on his back as she could not stand on her feet. I then felt helpless. There was nothing I could do but watch them help my mother out. My brother called for a cab and together with my sister they took my mom to the nearest hospital, where my father breathed his last air.

I was left in the house with the defeaning silence. I must be in a shock but honestly I could not determine what I felt. THERE WAS NO TEARS NOR PAIN, FEAR NOR ANGER --- THERE WAS ONLY NOTHING. I contacted my colleagues at school to inform them that I could not come to work because of an emergency. I went back to my room and laid myself on the back in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I was in that position when few hours later the phone rang. I went down to the living room to pick it up and was dumbfounded after hearing what my sister had to say --- my mom suffered from a mild stroke and temporarily in the state of blindness. My sister said she can still see although blurry and the doctor said she would regain her eyesight perhaps in a day or two but still it was no guarantee. I put the phone down with apprehension as I thought of my mom --- NOT HER EYESIGHT. Knowing my mother, one thing that she really hates is to feel worthless and useless. My sister said that OUR MOTHER HAD BECOME FRANTIC AND SELF-PITYING. She kept on telling my siblings that she had gone invalid and of no use. She was worried that she could no longer go back to work and that we would be in the red because aside from the house expenses and bills we would also have to pay for her medication.

Four days later, Friday, June 4th. It was pass 7 a.m. when my youngest sister came home to inform me of mom's CT scan result. A BLOOD CLOT WAS FOUND ON ONE OF HER BRAIN NERVES although it was just a dot. The doctor said that the blood clot could have probably been formed when she suffered from typhoid fever during her younger days. Aside from that, CHOLESTEROL BUILD UP WAS SPOTTED IN THE WALL OF HER ARTERIES. SINCE MY MOTHER IS DIABETIC, the doctor added that her sugar level should be monitored as well and that INSULIN INJECTION WOULDN'T WORK WITH HER ANYMORE CAUSE IT MIGHT TRIGGER ANOTHER ATTACK thus they gave us another prescription that would regulate her blood sugar level. But they said that she might be discharged from the hospital today. However, at around 8 in the evening I received a call from my third older sister and spurted out the news I was wishing not to hear --- MOM HAD BECOME BLIND. Although it would only be for six months but it won't change the fact that she has gone blind. She has lost her eyesight and it would be impossible for her to return to work. Again, THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FEEL STORMED OVER ME. Should I cry or should I be angry? Should I be upset or should I be accepting?

WHEN MY FATHER DIED FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I WAS IN A TERRIBLE SHOCK BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I FELT. Sure I cried, I CRIED SO HARD THAT MY EYES COULD DRY BUT I WAS NOT REALLY SURE OF WHAT I HAD FELT. Perhaps it was the young age that made me forget the emotion I clinged to during that time. Fourteen years later, my mother suffered from the same attack only no blood clotted on his brain, he was not blinded, and was not diabetic. I AM NOW THREE AND TWENTY TURNING FOUR AND TWENTY BUT IT SEEMS THAT MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL -- acting normally as if nothing had happened.

So tell me, how can one run away from the quandary in a labyrinth?

231440em04062010

Life: Bowling

2009-11-04T01:49:00.002+08:00

I was playing bowling with my colleagues when another dreadful realization occurred to me --- I have lived my life the way I have played the bowl.

At times I could get a strike without even knowing how I did it. At times I could get a gutter ball even though I was trying hard to aim for the goal. Sometimes I could knock four, three, two even one pin out but most of the time I could knock six to eight pins out - nine pins down would be rare. Then I would try hard to concentrate. I would try to recall what were my stances when I struck the bowl. How did I position my feet, my hands, the ball; what was I feeling, thinking, or even eyeing for. I could not seem to recall anything but I have to set the ball on. As the ball went to the gutter when I released it from my charge, it was in this juncture that the realization dawn onto me.

I was not supposed to feel disappointment as it was just a game but sometimes a man's method of playing a game is a reflection of how he is living his life.

Over the years I have been trying to figure out why my life seemed to be in disarray. Although I've got my triumphant moments but most of the time I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Mediocrity is no longer unusual to me. Ere long I have accepted the fact that I am a jack-of-all-trades but a master-of-none. I tried to establish a focal point but akin to my bowling, once I pick to give the shot it would turn up futile.

Most of the people who knew me think that I am someone prodigious. Some are intimidated by the way I talk and by the way I project myself to the public. They think I am someone smart, a know-it-all human being, a gifted one. Just because my English vocabulary is not as vast as theirs; just because I speak American English as nearly as a native; just because I’ve got an immense passion for literature; just because I can write poetry; just because I prefer scrabble, boggle, and other word-related games; just because I know some things which an average people really don’t --- these do not make me someone exceptional. These do not make me someone different. These do not make me someone special.

For some reasons, I have become shattered on how I was living my life. I could not get the gist why I couldn’t be consistent in playing the bowl. I could hit a strike without even doing something, and I could get a gutter ball when I am exerting an effort. I could smite one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, even nine pins but incongruously. I don’t know why I keep on aiming for a perfect strike when I know for a fact that it does not happen all the time. Unfortunately, this is how I view some aspects of my life. I seek for perfection despite knowing that achieving it is beyond possibility. That is why, it is such a dreadful realization; I have lived my life the way I have played bowling --- mediocrity.

a very bad day

2009-10-19T03:06:00.002+08:00

I am totally upset right now that I wanted to shout and scream at the top of my lungs. My day was not really that bad until the trojans and worms began pestering my laptop. I know, I could have stopped it but was so insistent in downloading a file disregarding the possibility that it would harm my computer. Thus I am paying for my negligence right now.

Another thing that caused my blood rushing to my head was my sister's inability to do what I have asked her to do. I don't know if she is being stupid or she is being overwhelmed by the company that she has found with her college friends. She just threw my hard-earned two hundred and twenty bucks away.

Back to Stars Hollow

2009-10-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

At long last! After searching for months and months I finally found a website that streams Gilmore Girls past episodes!

I was not able to contain my excitement as I relentlessly browsed over the website to check the past episodes - especially those I haven't seen - online. One can really say that I am filled with thrill as I watch the first episode with all smile. I can feel my eyes glowing and for some reasons I can't stop giggling as I sang along with Carole King. Oh... how I love Gilmore Girls! The fast-paced dialogues, the petty and big arguments, the parent-child relationship, love, friendship, everything! I love everything about the Gilmore Girls... (I don't sound to be a big fan, right? ^_^)

Sigh... I am jumping back again to my fantasy world. Anyway... back to Stars Hollow now... XD

PS. I have posted the link for Gilmore Girls free online streaming... some might want to check it... (Go ahead, you won't regret it... XD)

When Selfishness Is The Last Resort

2009-08-17T10:29:00.001+08:00

A week ago in my Euthenics class I conducted a team-building activity which I have gotten during the YMCA's Volunteers Training on July 25. I intended to measure the decision-making ability of my students that's why I decided to incorporate it in one of my classes.

The activity was called "Survival". The class was divided into four groups and each group is composed of 7-8 members. The goal was to choose 5 persons who will be saved from their sinking ship. I told my students not to make self-sacrifices for in real life when one faces an accident or emergency, the first person he would usually save is himself. Furthermore, I also instructed them that they have to be able to come up with a decision after 30 minutes.

I have expected that my students would think inside the box. Hence, the difficulty in settling up their minds. I knew that the thirty-minute time frame would be very short but I did it on purpose to stir their minds more. A dispute or argument was suppose to surface, fortunately my students were open-minded enough. Their only trouble was choosing the right persons to save. During the activity, one of the groups came to me and asked if it is okay if all of them in their team would be saved. I just reminded them of my instruction. No self-sacrifices. I then told the class that sometimes, it is fine to be selfish. One just have to be selfish in tough times in order to survive. I knew that some of them would not accord with my line of thinking but I did not bother. I just wanted to know how are they going to decide on it.

At the end of the activity, each group were able to name the people who were saved. After which, I asked one of them what was their method of choosing those people. One group had a voting, while the others chose the 5 persons according to their missions in life. I could have told my students that some of them still made self-sacrifices but did not elaborate on it instead disclosed the lesson of the activity.

Some of my students shared that they did not think of breaking the rules and that they were held between making the wrong decisions and the idea of self-sacrifices. I then related to my students that in life, when one is faced of making a very tough decision he must contemplate on it first. Thinking outside the box would not hurt nor thinking of oneself's welfare. I reiterated that sometimes it is okay to be selfish. One does not have to follow what others are saying. One does not have to conform with what the situation can give. Sometimes, one just have to be selfish by following what his heart is saying. If his heart is saying to save himself to save others then there is nothing wrong with defying what was given. Sometimes, when selfishness is the last resort, one must go with it in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplish. Lastly, I made an emphasis on the type of selfishness that I have been hinting to my students during the activity. The personal desire to help others in times of their need. The personal desire to make others happy. The personal desire to give one's life for the sake of others.

The Night Before Her Death

2009-08-06T22:10:00.001+08:00

In my last blog, I have admitted that I was not really affected by the former President Aquino's death. Until now, I am still trying to figure why however I could not find the reason why.

When I heard that she was diagnosed with colon cancer I just felt nothing. I even get annoyed everytime I hear news about her. I mean, come on, she's on stage four and no matter how many prayers you are going to offer her I just don't think it would work.

I refused watching tv and read internet news update because I know the media will just be talking about her. The last time I got interested with current events was during Michael Jackson's death. I would really spend hours and hours on the internet just to be updated with MJ. But it is not the case with Mrs. Aquino.

31 July 2009 - My students and I were walking along McArthur Highway. When we reached Ateneo de Davao High School campus I noticed the yellow ribbons tied on the railings as well as on the streets. I have already known that those yellow ribbons indicate support and prayers for Mrs. Aquino. Reminded by the yellow ribbons I then shared to my students my points of view on Mrs. Aquino. I told them that I find prayers for Mrs. Aquino to be useless, if her time comes the she would die. The prayers would not be able to heal Mrs. Aquino. The prayers would not help Mrs. Aquino to recover.

The next day, at around 5 o'clock in the morning, I was already hearing Ted Failon on TV. I thought it was just a replay of news program; what's more absurd was I thought it was another tribute for Michael Jackson. But shock suddenly grasped me and I could not believe what I was hearing. So to make sure that the news was true, I checked abs-cbnnews.com and yahoo.com, after doing so my hesitations were all erased. Mrs. Aquino died at 76. I was surprised upon confirming it. I was just talking with my students regarding prayers for Aquino, and then after few hours she was already gone.

Anti-Filipino

2009-08-06T21:52:00.001+08:00

No. I am not so affected. Should I feel guilty about it?

Shameful may be but I just cannot lie to myself. I have cried over the King of Pop but I could not cry, even a single tear, for the late Mrs. Corazon Aquino. Maybe it is because I could barely connect with her, unlike MJ whose music greatly influenced me. Aside from that, forgive me kababayans, maybe I am just not impressed with what she had done. Others may think of her as the icon for hope but I really don't.

Yes, it is true. She led the people power but it was not her who triggered it. It was her husband, who I admire greatly. She only came to surface after her husband's death. She had to, the people are calling her. Filipinos are melodramatic. Underdogs are greatly favored. And I guess that's what happened hence the enormous support for Mrs. Aquino during the 1986 Special Election.

But I am not saying that the People Power 1 was just a fad. I believe that the Filipinos were already at their pique and to let Mr. Marcos continue his term would be a suicide. It just so happen that Mrs. Aquino was the wife of the great Benigno Aquino, Jr. She was the perfect character to replace the dictator who was believed to be connected with her husband's death.

Well, anyway, perhaps I am just one of the few who was not pleased by Mrs. Aquino but this does not necessarily mean that I see Mrs. Aquino as an inefficient president. I understand that her term as president was the most painful and difficult of all as hers was the transition period for the Filipinos. Despite the coup attempts and crisis she encountered the Philippine government was still able to survive.

Stolen and Returned

2009-08-04T02:04:00.000+08:00

Thud!

Scream!

Distracted by the noise created by Ate Mimi outside the room, we really did not deem it as something alarming until Ate Joy insisted that something was going wrong outside.

Another scream.

Ate Joy then opened the door of the office as she rushed to Ate Mimi. Annie and I were both stunned when we saw that my laptop was no longer at the table. Kuya Fritz dashed out of the store to ran after the thief. Nakata folIowed.

I approached the table where my laptop was set. My heart was pounding hard and fast. Slowly by slowly, I could no longer distinguish what I was feeling. It seemed that my emotions left me out of nowhere. I was smiling but my head was confused. I was already aware that my laptop was stolen but I was still asking myself, "What happened?"

Oblivious of the people around me, my thoughts were all at the laptop. Hoping, praying that it will be recovered. I tried to cling to my intuitions but reality would keep on interrupting reminding me to prepare myself for the big possibility that it will never be returned to me. And my heart keeps on pounding hard and fast. My breathing then must have become abnormal but I really could not say. The thief might have stolen my emotions as well.

I must have been dazed for 20 minutes or so and I can say that that was the longest 20 minutes I ever had.

My senses only came back to me when I remembered that I have a deadline to meet on Wednesday. I have no other copies of my course outlines and Miss Jonalyn already informed us that the course outlines will be due on the 5th of August. Aside from that, I realized that I don't have a backup of my files. I felt doomed and I felt like crying. "So what am I going to do now?" Another question I could not answer.

Moments later I saw Nakata coming in the store. "Kapoy..." he uttered in his own way. After that Kuya Fritz followed on and then Jay-ar. My world stopped for a second. My breath almost ran out. Annie smiled at me then rubbed my back. I was relieved. Kuya Fritz placed the laptop on the table. I did not touch it at first. I only stared. He then showed me the scratches it incurred. The top cover as well as the front rear had blotches. According to Jay-ar, the thief threw the laptop on the street that is why they were able to retrieve my computer. However, they were not able to catch the thief. He was breathing heavily while relating the chase. Jay-ar added that the laptop jolted twice before it fell on the ground. Kuya Fritz then check if the laptop can still run. I sighed with relief as I heard it's welcome sound. Then I began checking the LCD screen. Thank God it did not sustain any damage. However, the lock was broken. Annie said it is better than the whole computer. I said "Yeah. Right."

Kuya Fritz and the rest of the group were then talking about what happened while I just sat and leaned on the wall. Annie kept asking if I was okay and I just told her that I am. I had the laptop back, that is the most important.

Game Over

2009-07-20T22:29:00.002+08:00

I quit. I give up. I am tired.

Have you ever tried resisting fate when deep in your heart you know you just have to give in? The pain of being human. The pain of being invincible. It dehumanizes you. It weakens you. Yet there is nothing you can do but accept the truth and move on.

Moving on. I detest that thought. I abhor that thought. I hate that thought. But what can I do when it is my last resort? My ONLY resort? Isn't it exasperating?

In this world of lies and deceptions you have no choice but pretend even though you don't want to. Keep the pain. Keep the emotion. Keep the thought. Deprive yourself of your happiness. Deprive yourself of your freedom. Deprive yourself of enlightenment. Then suddenly, surprisingly, you gain wisdom. Confusing, isn't it?

"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." The fox said to the little prince. Indeed. No wonder why I could not see. For even though my eyes are open but my heart is close.

And so, I quit. I give up. I am tired.

The game is over.

Philippine Martial Law version 2

2009-06-03T09:07:00.002+08:00

With Con-Ass on the move, I am afraid that there will be a Martial Law part 2.

Well, i just hope i am not correct and i just hope President Arroyo would not take advantage over Con-Ass. True that the constitution needs to be amended but why now when 2010 election is just around the corner?

I was not fussed when i read that the congress finally okayed on con-ass however my apprehension surfaced after i finished reading the article about the said matter. The solons who ayed for con-ass were not sure on what would happen next. They don't even know when to begin the convention! Nograles said they might convene after the President's last SONA which will be on July 27. That would be ten months before the election and who knows how long the con-ass will take? Amending the constitution needs more time and thorough deliberation and i don't think ten months or less is enough.

I am not against cha-cha in fact I strongly believe that the constitution needs to be revised to accord with the Filipinos' lifestyle. However, to push con-ass this year is very precarious and this might give the government a reason, an apposite reason, to do what they have been wanting to do -- Martial Law.

People Power. Not again.

2009-06-02T19:25:00.000+08:00

I just seen from the TV that few of my kababayans will be bringing their objections against cha-cha on the streets. In fact, according to the news update, some of them are already busy preparing for their rally which would start Monday next week.

Wow! Isn't that great? The Philippines is going to have another version of people power! If this will happen then it would be our 3rd people power. Oh no! I think it's the 4th... hmmmm... maybe 5th. It could also be the 6th, 7th, 8th. Nth? Sorry, i lost my count. Let me check the history. Nah. Never mind. It doesn't matter anyway. People power are all the same. Except for the first of course. The original.

I wonder why some of my kababayans are not yet tired of the history repeating over and over. Come on. We've been tolerating people powers for many times but nothing has changed. The Mother country is still suffering from the social cancer and no one even bothered to check if she is still okay. Our impulsiveness would only bring us to nowhere.

The railroading of con-ass at the congress did seem to be equivocal and i cannot blame those people who were infuriated by it but to bring it to the streets is frivolous.

Past: Please Release Me

2009-05-28T02:27:00.002+08:00

There may be a time for everything but still nobody knows when that time will be... There may be a reason for everything yet nobody knows what that reason is...

When you have already decided to let go of the past and leave it all behind, it would then again hunt and pin you down. You wonder as you try to move on; should you really let go or should you hold on for a little more while? With this on the fritz, you wander with confusion once more -- should you stay or should you go, that is the question.

When the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is giving up, you toddle with uncertainty, you pause and then you stop -- is it really worth it? do you really have to do it? for what reason?

Afterward you search for the answers, trying to satiate the hunger for the truth yet you just find yourself frustrated and dejected. The answer seemed to be very elusive. always beyond your reach. always out of the line.

So you fixed yourself into something else, forgetting the thing that you have to do. You neither let go nor accepted what was given to you instead you blinded yourself and pretended that nothing really happened. You then started taking the path you thought you have never taken. A new road, a new journey. However, upon reaching the crossroad you realized you are back to where you have come from. And the cycle goes on again until you got tired.

You have gone weary but you are still unable to make up your mind. For some reasons, the past can't seem to emancipate you from it. Daunting you, holding you back, smothering you. But the fact is: It is you who cannot withhold from the past, it is you who cannot give it up it is you who refused to let go.

Sometimes when the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is letting go you stop and you cry. The answer you have been seeking was just inside your heart all the while yet you failed to recognize it. Indeed there is a time for everything and there is a reason for everything. But time and reason are only instruments for you to realize that that's what life is really for.

Here Comes Jeep ni Erap

2009-05-17T23:56:00.001+08:00

When Erap relaunched his jeepney, I knew he would be running for 2010.

President Gloria shouldn't have granted Estrada his civil and political rights hence his audacity to run for reelection.

The nerve, after all he's done and what he'd gone through, he still has the guts to run for president! I wonder what was he thinking or does he ever think at all? If he is only following his advisers then it is time for him to fire them all. They have done nothing good to him, in fact his reputation was ruined because of what they are feeding him.

He must realize that life is not a movie. He's not an actor playing for a role of a man who lives in a dream that he is born to be the savior of his country. He should stop thinking that he is the next Ninoy or Rizal because he will never be one. I do not understand why he still wants to go back to politics after the fiasco he and his men created. If his reason is just because he wants to serve the Filipino people, does he really had to run for office? Can't he extend his hands to his fellowmen without a seat in the government? If he would reason out that he can do a lot of things for his people if he is the president of the country, what had he done for the Philippines during his term in the first place?

If ever he had done something good for the country, I really cannot say for the things that I can only remember during his presidency was the peso rate on its lowest, the economy at its rock bottom, the Philippines in the dark. And I don't need to present evidence here as the history has already spoken it.

dejected

2009-05-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

1o:15 pm -- Awoke from a light slumber. I fell asleep while waiting for "That Thing You Do" movie to download. Unfortunately, the long wait was in vain as the movie did not download at all. Starving and quite disappointed, i got out of bed to have some dinner only to find out that we don't have food again. It has always been like this. How ironic, my mom is a school teacher and i am a call center agent but we just could not put a food on our table. I don't know if the problem is with my mother or with me or with how we manage our family life.

Totally pissed off by that moment, i decided to go out to get dinner. I did not tell my sister where the hell i am going as she really doesn't have to know and i don't want her to know.

Unsure of where to go... my head is battling if i just go to breakfast club which is not expensive or try the cafe at bajada which i've been attempting to visit but always unable to do so for some reasons. When i got inside the jeepney, i settle on Buzz Cafe... I told myself that i will waste the 500 bucks in my pocket. I guess that's how upset I was.

And so here i am... Sitting alone in a comfortable zone with the coffee and clubhouse sandwich which cost me quite a lot... Sigh... I guess i am just lonely... I am trying to grasp why I have come to this point... I am not really sure if this is the kind of life i want... I just can't wait for the time where i can leave this city and live on my own knowing no one but myself...

I will be posting this entry in my superficialistics blog... I have promised that i will not post any senseless items there but then i realized, why do i have to push myself into something which i know i am not really good at? I am so tired of pleasing other people... So tired of making good impressions... I just want to be myself... Myself... who until now i still do not know... I've been searching for myself for a very long time... Myriad of things have been revealed but it seems i haven't obtain them...

Anyway... from now on... the superficialistics blog will just demonstrate my superficialities and absurdity...

a salutation

2008-09-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

This blog was created on the first week of September, however, i failed to post an entry as my brain failed to process the construction of words to phrases to sentences to paragraphs... This dilemma could be attributed to the fact that my mind is in the state of confusion for i really don't know how to start the first entry of this blog...

Anyway, let us just begin from the beginning... superficialistics... the name of this blog is superficialistics... why superficialistics?

Perhaps, you are wondering where in the world did that word come from? Hmmm... well, you better stop thinking for you wouldn't find the answer but if you are going to parse the word you will realize eventually that the word superficialistics is derived from superficial which means shallow or just on the surface... It may be erroneous to claim that everybody knows that everything in this world is temporal... but everything in this world is indeed meaningless... but why do people still care to dig deeper to find the truth of everything? Well, the answer is simple actually... human as we are, intrinsically we seek to find the truth because our heads are clouded with so many things and because of this desire we have failed to notice what is on the surface... sometimes, being shallow does not necessarily mean being senseless... sometimes, being shallow is being deep... discombabulating, eh?

Okay, so i am not just going to elaborate on that to stop obscurity... i am just hoping that while going over this blog site, you'll learn something which may seem unimportant but in reality essential...

To end this entry, i welcome you all to the world of SUPERFICIALISTICS! Bon voyage! :)