First it was my idea¹ because I wanted him to actually “stay” the night. I wanted to be serious. He told me he didn’t take us serious. 2 years and we’re not serious? Everything I’ve put into this relationship and we’re not serious?

That cut me pretty deep. If anyone pays attention, I’m depressed.

And this guy who works here.. matt… he’s been helping me out. Supporting me. Just basicly being my rock while Jared (The ex) has been busy play wow, (Sorry, who said WoW isn’t anti social..?). So anyhow.The other night after I said to Jared that we should actually break up because of what he said, I was crying myself to sleep. Except I couldn’t sleep.. I texted Matt, and he invted me over to be consoled.

You know what I wanted from Jared? To hug. To sleep next to him, that’s what I wanted. And I got it from Matt. I’ve been waiting 2 years for Jared to just snuggle and sleep with me, and I just went next door and got it instead.

Basicly the issue with Jared why I wanted to take a “break” was because maybe if I missed him enough (Which I do) then I wouldn’t mind not being able to cook / sleep / huggle with him, and just being happy I have him at all. But after he said we’re not serious… Well, that dropped it for me. It’s over.

I know I’m young. But I want serious. Not some 2 year fling. I still love him. A lot. THere are other reasons to the break up. Which I’ll post on Friday night / Saturday because we’re meeting up to discuss things.

Oh. And I’m “With” Matt. You know why? He makes me happy. And he’s here. He’s here to hold me. To love me. Even if I don’t love him as much as Jared² I need a guy in my life. Idk why. I just, need to be held.

1. Well, a break
2. I don’t think I could love anyone as much as I love him

So tonight, I called my boyfriend, and said

If I move to a proper house, would you stay with me?

He mis-heard me for;

If I move to a proper house, would you live with me?

Of this, he said no, and I didn’t mind. Because he miss-heard me. I repeted myself, and he hesitated and said “I don’t know”.

However, now that I’ve thought about it, I do mind. About both answers. He said a few things tonight that I can’t be fucked repeteing. Basicly, he said he doesn’t want to be “Serious”.

TWO YEARS! TWO FUCKING YEARS AND YOU DON’T WANT TO BE SERIOUS?

The title of this post? Well, I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn’t know. He then asked me. I replied the same.

I lied.

I know what I want. I want a relationship. I want a grown up relationship. I do want a live-in boyfriend. And you know what? As much as I want to own a house, have a good education and all that shit, if I was to fall pregnent right now, I wouldn’t get an abortion or adopt the baby out. In saying that, I’m not trying to get pregnant¹, and I think people my age who purposely try to get pregnant are idiots.

I’m not sure why I feel this way. Why I want to “grow up” at the age of 18. I think perhaps because I’ve been “In love”² before. This isn’t the first time, but I want to take it futher. I want to be with him. Support him. Be there for him.

I’m sick of this fucking “I’ll pick you up from the bus stop” “Ask you mom to drop you at my house”, “I’ll see what is happening after Uni” “I have my period on my time off so we can’t have sex for the next 2 weeks+ Because I won’t see you till my next time off” Shit. I know sex isn’t very important. I am however, a little bit of a nymph.

I want to be one.

How can you not want to be serious Jared? Do you not feel the same? How come I am obviously so out of sync with our relationship? Why can’t I feel the same way you do? Or why can’t you want to live with me? Am I just a girlfriend? Is that all? Is it because I’m not SMART ENOUGH? because I wasn’t raised with MONEY? Or do you really not love me enough to think about our future?

I understand you have Uni. But what about after that Jared? Why do you have fucking issues even talking about going away? I want something SERIOUS!

1. In fact I’m on the jab
2. so I thought anyhow

I don’t really have anything positive to say. Which isn’t good. In saying that, blogging for me is about writing my feelings down, getting things off my chest, and trying to sort my head out. So I guess because this is my blog. I can write negative stuff if I like. Way to bring everyone down, no?

A few weeks ago Matt started working here. He’s awesome, I have to admit, he is what is keeping me happy at work. This sounds kinda… Odd.. But I would have some serious anger management issues if he didn’t keep me happy. He makes some pretty awesome jokes. I have to admit. I am a friggen flirt. But I’d never take it further then that.

Along with Matt coming along, I found out we’re getting underpaid… Well, I already knew this. I just didn’t know how much by. Atm the minimum wage is around $12.75 / hr. Apparently we’re getting paid about $8.something / hr.  I didn’t realize it was so bad. I am defiantly looking for a job for the next season. One that has less hours (Which won’t really happen because it IS dairy farming), or one which has a bigger salary. You know.. Minimum wage and all. Sigh.

I’m on my time off right now (11 on, 3 off). It’s Monday and I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I am deffo going to get a pedicure. My feet are killing me. I give up on trying to save. My feet some first. They feel all puffy and argh. It’s a little hard to walk. I may also get a hair cut / color. I need to pamper myself. The last time I did was for Jareds formal. Which was last… October? Yesh.

I guess that’s all for now. Well, I’ll casually slip in that I nearly broke up with Jared because of his stupid computer. I was serious. He spent to much time on it. I was sick of being put second to a computer and it was effecting my depression way to much. Now I text before I call so he has time to get off the PC, and he’s band from playing it while I’m at his house. He’s only allowed on it to check movies and weather. UNLESS I’m watching tv / reading a book. Then it’s OK, as long as I’m occupied.

So we’re going OK right now I guess. Today after he finishes Uni we might go to the movies, then on Tuesday we’ll come back to mine and I’ll get some much needed.. attention.

I’m not sure how I feel about this. To be back in the place I was when I lived in Hastings, NZ.

The difference this time is that I know what is the base cause of it. 2 issues. I have, however, come up with some solutions for both issues. It’s just that both are super hard for me. Daunting.

1. Education;

   This year I feel really left out. A lot of people from my year level are going to Uni. And I’m kicking myself because I didn’t complete school and I can’t go. I feel excluded, and I also feel.. “Dumb”

   Solution;

   Start study again. I know I’ve said this before, but really kick into it. I called my learning advisor, and it’s been said to study one subject at a time. This way, I don’t have millions of books sitting around stressing me out. I may even get it done faster because I am focusing on one thing.I need to get UE. I’ve really been thinking about doing a BA in Education. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher.

2. Work;

   I am not progressing. Which I guess is just more education orintated. But on a usual farm, I should have a lot more skills after 7 months. It’s also the fact that I want.. no.. I need time off to go and visit my family. Not only am I owed this time off (Days in-lou) but morally, for all the extra hours and work I’ve put in, for the times I’ve worked while sick, etc etc. I should be allowed it. But no.
   I also have no time to socialize. I have my “Weekend”. But it’s Mon, Tue, Wed. People are at school, or working. Not cool.

   Solution:

   Find another job. This sounds really easy to most people. But for me, it’s not. Well, finding a job isn’t hard. It’s the leaving part that is. To put it easily, I’m going to feel bad for leaving. Even though I know I’m being walked all over. Not appreciated. I’m going to cry,¹. See, I am used to being walked over etc. It’s the norm for me. I feel they’ve given me a huge help. My mum and everyone would say they’ve somewhat caused the depression.

And that, I believe, and so do a lot of other people, are the reasons I am depressed. Hopfully I can move on. And these pills will lift me up.². I just thank whoever is *above* that I have my boyfriend. Without him, I have no idea where I’d be. He’s so supportive. ily.

1. Shows how tuff** I am
2. It gets worse before it gets better ftl

Those are the things which happened to me a few years ago. I moved town, started a new school¹ and I hated it. To the point I became depressed. I don’t mean “OMG I’m an emo I’m going to wear black and listen to homo music”. I mean I was on anti-depressants,² I didn’t see the point in a lot of things, (Hence why I failed Level 1, because I just didn’t understand how the elephant we had to write about for English was going to help in any way towards my future.), I hardly ate, I hung out with my mates, but didn’t really enjoy it, and no matter how much sleep I got, I would actually fall asleep during class because I could not, litterly,  keep my eyes open.

The fighting with my mother got worse, and soon, sleep became something I would rather be doing as well as the only thing I could do.

I was also sick, all the time. Personally I think it was a sub-concious thought that told my body “You can’t do this, stay home sick” so my body would ache, I would vomit, have major head issues, and blah. We did blood tests, scans, all sorts. Nothing came of it. I put it down to the fact I was depressed, and I hated that school with a passion.³

And you know what? I think it’s coming back. Well, the depression anyway. Hopefully not the sickness because I like my job. Although I think this time around, my job may just be whats causing it. If you read my last post, I listed all the things I’ve *done* on this farm over these 7 months. All of which I thought added up to being allowed time off (And ofc the fact I have 8 days in-lou as of Saturday). Apparently not.

Not only am I not allowed to go away for 6 days (3 of which would of been days in-lou, the other 3 would of been my actual “Weekend”), but I’m not allowed to do my AgIto course I need to get a qulification. So I must do that by corrospodence. And you know what they’ll turn around and say next? “Oh, you can do that course in your off time, because you don’t have to clean your house or visit people who you never see or do things like pay bills, go shopping, wash clothes or anything like that. So you can just do it on your regular *weekend*”

So you know what? I’m looking for a new job. I am not appreciated enough here.⁴. The new job I am looking for will start next season⁵ and will encourage AgIto, They will not be South African⁶ and I will not settle for anything under 32grand. (I worked it out, 30grand / year doesn’t even add up to minimum wage per hour, but I’m on a salary, so I can’t do anything about it)

So that’s why I beleve I’m getting depressed again. Oh, and my boyfriend still won’t get off his computer when I call him. I’m kinda over it now. I’m not calling him again. Ever.

1. All girls ftl
2. Which i don’t really think worked
3. Btw I used to really love school before I moved.
4. If you don’t agree, I really recommend you read my last post
5. 1st June
6. Well, these bosses anyhow, sometimes forget they’re not in their home land

Of course you are not me. Because I am.¹ But I think I have a serious issue. I’m not sure how it’s come about. I have my theories. The problem however? Yes.. Well;

I don’t like being around other people in a social situation. I do it to “keep up appearances”. Yes I’m being serious. I guess this is the issue as to why I don’t have many IRL friends. However, when I do, that’s when I enjoy going out. I’ve only ever had “Close friends”. I’ve never been a person with more then 8 friends at a time. Sure theres the people I’ll talk to some times on MSN, only because they message me first. But I do not enjoy the company of anyone else other then my boyfriend, his parents, my mums family, and my dads family..

Except…

I don’t like spending much time with my father. Yeah. Welcome to Surroundedbygrass, the honesty cronicles of Jana You-can’t-have-my-last-name. He ends up criticizing me. Putting me down, and making me feel used.

So why bring this anti – social ness up?

I’m hopefully going to my aunts 40th birthday, hopefully meaning if my bosses give me time off. At the moment I doubt it. Even though I’m entitled to it².

However, I have some other type of problem that prevents me from wanting to be there. I have noticed this to be a common occurrence when deciding if  I want to go out or not. Aside from my dad being there and there being lots of people I’ve never meet. (Other then this, and the next reason, I’m more then happy.. )

My boyfriend. Yeah. Pretty low. But he’s not coming. He’s been invited, but he can’t afford it, plus he starts Uni that week & it’s a bit up in the air when I’m coming back. So it’s best he stays. The thing is, I work 11 on 3 off. I want to see him.

If I do get the time off, then I said I would come back to work on the Wednesday . I would like Fri – Tue off, usually I get every 2nd Mon, Tue, Wed off. The dates I want to go turns out to be the weekend before my time off. So I said I’d move my time off to those dates, or I’d use my days-in-lou and work on the Wednesday. Confussing?

It’s an 8.5+  hour drive to where I want to go, that will take me all day. I would like to leave on Friday, get there Saturday morning, (I must boat there, I’m not sure where then last boat leaves). Leave Monday and hopefully drive all the way home and have Tuesday as my day to calm down from driving for 8 hours. Or, in other words, to visit my boyfriend.

I know it’s pretty selfish not wanting to go to a family members birthday because I won’t get to spend any time with my boyfriend. It’s very.. teenage-ish. I mean, I hardly see these people! But why do I really stoop so low as to think about the time I’ll spend with my boyfriend before I say yes or no? Pathetic? What if I say I know what they’re all going to do? Get drunk, stonned, make fools of themselves. Does that help my defense? I’d rather spend 3 days with Jared then wittness the drunken antics of family?

H0wever, I’m not sure if I’m being selfish towards work when it comes to the time off.. If anyone knew how much work I’ve done for my bosses, then I’m sure you’d agree that I’m not. Infact, lets list a few things;

1. Worked 2 months straight during calving. Then I had 4 days off ALL UP³ after the 2 months for a formal, a wedding, and a funeral. Then worked another few weeks before my official “3 days off, 11 on” started.
2. I’m not doing the qualification I want to because my boss is to “Tired”. Ye. Have I complained? No.
3. I’ve stayed at work 3 days + where I have been sick. Running out of the shed vomiting, barely being able to stand up straight, feeling dizzy. Have I complained? No.
4. I’ve taken ONE SICK DAY. And you know what I did? Drove myself to the doctor to get a medical certificate, came home and curled up in bed. I still felt ill the next day. So I guess that’s FOUR days I’ve worked ill.
5. They speak Afrikaans. When I’m around.. When I’m not around. It pisses me off. They’re in a ENGLISH SPEAKING COUNTRY. Share the fucking joke, or don’t laugh. I put up with it though don’t I. As much as I want to yell “CAN YOU SPEAK ENGLISH IN MY PRESENCE???”
6. For around 2+months when we started milking, we where getting out of the shed at 7pm if not later. Often much later. My contract clearly states 6pm or its over time. Has anything been said? No. Did I mind? Not until now.
7. The ex-co-worker and I figured out that we don’t get paid any where near as much as we should if we where paid hourly. But I’m on a sallery. What can I say?

Those are the reasons why they should say yes. Unpaid, over worked, annoyed, not getting qualifications. If they say no. I’m really going to start looking for another job.

1. No shit..
2. Worked 3 public holidays, instead of being paid double, we get TWO days in lou each time, so 6 days off I’m entitled to
3. As in, not all in one go

Welcome to the re-launch of SurroundedByGrass. This is the first blog post of the new and (hopefully) improved site.  What’s improved about it? I made the theme. Yeah. That’s about it. There are new pages.. and some pages have gone (not that anyone would notice) and the code isn’t valid. (As opposed to it being valid because I was using other peoples themes )

So, here goes, my first post that hopfully makes sense;

I’ve never really done the whole “New years resolution” thing, and I don’t really want to start, because I hate to fail myself, even though I seem to do it a lot (School work, cleaning my house, buying gifts.. argh).

However, this year there are a number of things that I not only want to do, but that need to be done (well OK, only some need to be done). And seeing as it’s 2010, I’m setting myself a list of 10 things I want / need to do before the year is out.

1. Get my National Certificate in Agriculture Level 2¹. I’ve had the books since about last Sept / Oct, but because my co-worker left, it’s been tough on the farm and there hasn’t been time to learn anything because we are all too busy doing things that need to be done. It should only take 6months. And after that I can start Level 3.
2. Gain the English credits I need to get University Entrance². Even if I continue with farming, I don’t need UE to get a DipAg, but I would still like the choice to go to Uni if I want. I pretty much have all the credits for level 2, except English. I think need more credits at Level3, but I think I’ll stick to this “Goal” first.
3. Go traveling to somewhere I’ve never been before. I would love to visit family I’ve never meet before up in Blenheim, in saying that, I’d love to visit my aunt in Stewart Island. It’s a really beautiful place. As is every where in NZ. I can’t decide where I want to go. But I know I want to travel.
4. Get traffic on my website. This is a pretty stupid goal I guess. But I would love to make some “Internet friends”. Which means getting traffic.³. I’m not sure how to achieve this, but I’ll figure it out. I just want at lest one comment on every post. is one comment to much to ask? I just want someone to talk too.
5. Save $1000+. I think everyone wants to save. And it’s a bit of a struggle atm, but I’m slowly.. saving.. something. It’s not really for anything but my trip I intend on taking. I have a seperate savings account for things like car repairs and other things that may come up.
6. Decide what I want to be doing in ten years. Seriously. Do I want to be farming still? Or do I want to be a teacher?⁴. Perhaps I want to be a mother in ten years? Make a goal of what I want to do. Make plans.
7. Have a romantic night with Jared. Yes. I’m serious. This is a goal for 2010. It can be achieved if we stay at my mums house. She will leave us alone and let me cook dinner etc. And Jareds parents⁵ will let him stay at my mums house. I’d like to cook dinner, watch a movie or 2, and then just.. you know.. Haha. It’s a girl thing OK?
8. Do a Defensive Driving course. Not only will it knock 6 months off my Restricted License, but it will teach me things about.. driving defensively. Which I really need to learn. I suck at driving.
9. Organize my money. Stick to a budget. No more taking money out of my savings, no more buying junk food, nothing. Leave money where it is, and spend only what I can afford. This will be tough. But I plan on starting next week because I didn’t get a whole pay this week.
10. Stop being walked over. I am to nice a person IRL. I get walked over so much, I’m easily used. I’m sick of it. I think my boyfriend is too. My boss has even pointed it out. I need to stop being such a push over. And stand up for myself.

1. PDF
2. UE
3. I guess??
4. Hence wanting to get UE
5. Unless they read this.. lol

He’ll most likely never read this. But I want to get my feelings out. Tell the whole world. Yet again, cheesy.

Jared, when I say “I love you”, those three little words, here is what I’m trying to say;

I like how you look, your voice, your accent, your clothes, your hair, and your cute little smile.

I like the way you tease me, even if sometimes I take it to seriously.

I like the way you hold me when I take your teasing to seriously and apologize.

I like how I can cry in front of you and hold me tight, and try to rub my tears away, hold your face close to mine and kiss me.

I like how you are smart, not because you’ll “Bring in the bacon” like my dad says. But because it’s part of who you are. And without it, you’d be like the other boys.

I like how you changed me from how I was when we first spoke online. If it wasn’t for you, I would have kids and be smoking weed / drinking every night by now.

I like how you are honest with me. In every aspect from our relationship, to when I tired to be a “Designer”, to the fact I really should be finding a new job.

I like how you make fun of my “love handles”. Even though I don’t like them. For some reason, it entertains me.

I like how comfortable I feel around you, and how I don’t have to put on some fake mask and pretend to be who I’m not.

I’m glad that you wouldn’t mind if i got a breast reduction.

I’m happy you ate my cheese sauce with maccaroni. (As opposed to mac and cheese).

I like that I can tell that you love me.

I love how you concentrate on me *In bed* until I’m way to sensitive to touch.

I love how good you are in bed.

I love how you kiss me, and tell me that you love me, in bed.

And Jared. Those are just some of the reasons I love you. So next time I say “I love you” remember why.

My dream job.

Where do I begin on this? I applied for dairy assistant jobs at the end of 2008, I had a few phone interviews, none which called back. Until Ockie called and asked a few question. He knew I had one day’s exp in a milking shed, but aside from that, no other exp working on a farm. He must of known I was keen from the sound of my voice. He talked it over with JP² and wa-la. I’m on the path to my dream career. I started on the 1st of June. & I’m still working here, and loving it! It just gets a little stress full sometimes! The work isn’t hard, it’s the hours that do it. But it’s rewarding! And if I go through with it, right until the end, I could become a dairy owner!

Snobby Cafes are owned by snobby owners.

So I worked at The Library Cafe, in Onehunga. I really like customer service. I love the atmosphere, the chat, the smiles and even those annoying little kids that parents insist on bringing with them. All would be well and good, until the boss turned up. I really don’t think she knew how to manage a buiness. I know that sounds funny, coming from a 18 year old, but I’ve watched my aunt do it. And this lady failed. There where always staff quitting, getting “fired” and all sorts of crap. Three things happened at this cafe that made me hate it

• The boss gave my friend time off, to go to a tangi³ then turned around and said “Oh, the chef just asked for time off, and I’m giving it to her. Even though you asked first, and you have a funeral to go to. So if you don’t turn up to work, you’ll get fired”. Said friend was fired.
• They changed the rosters without telling anyone. Then we’d get in trouble for not turning up on time etc. Legally, they have to have a “Set in stone” roster by week end. After that, they have to ask the staff if they can change start times etc. They didn’t even give us notice, let alone ask us!
• Cleche I know, but the boss only ever saw me doing bad shit. I was always cleaning shit up. And the one time I’d forget, or be extremely busy because we where understaffed, I’d get told off for it. She never noticed when I actually DID anything.

So basically they said “You have to decide if you want to work here or not, because⁴ we’re sick of this”. I decided no. Why work somewhere, where you hate the boss, and dread coming to work everyday? You should of seen the look on her face when I handed in my resignation. She asked if I had another job. I lied and said “Ya, a dairy farming job in a few months, until then, I’m working at Dressmart”. Ironically, I got a job I applied for at Dressmart (Cotton on Body) then got a farming job! I love how life works sometimes.

When your friend is a slut

I went to stay in Bulls, the place where I called home. Up until recently; My best friend, the one who I’d stayed in contact with ever since I left Bulls, is apprently a slut. To a cut a long story short, I got ditched for a root. I had to smoke weed⁵, and I’m sure I nearly got raped. All so she could have a root with a guy she doesn’t know, and is possibly related to. She also ditched our other friend⁶ who was getting a bash. OK so half of the story is; We went to a party Roy didn’t want to go to because he knew people there where going to bash him. Bridget (Ex-friend) said “Aw nah bro! You’re all goodz aye! You’re with me cuz!”. So we go. Roy gets the bash, and I ride in cars with boys.

I don’t really talk to her now. We used to be LIKE THIS. (OK, I don’t have a picture of 2 figures crossed over, but we where like sisters). Now she’s that hoe I used to hang with.

My dad does drugs. To much drugs.

My dad was out of a job this year. But he didn’t stop smoking weed. I had to move this year and WINZ wouldn’t help me out. Dad said he couldn’t help with the finacial side of things either. But he still smoked weed and drunk beer.

My dad accused me of knowing I had to tell him measurements of my stuff to get it freighted. He never told me that. Ever. He said “Mel will go to work and find out some info for you, just sit tight and wait a couple of weeks”. So I did. 6 weeks later, I get my own freight sorted.

My dad told me to grow up while we had a huge fight. Because I admited that he hadn’t helped with anything about the move. He said “Yes we have”. I asked “What then?”. He couldn’t think of anything so he told me to grow up and screamed at me. I ended up going to my aunts then my bros. My dad is an arse.

My dad brought my car I bought from Aucks to Chch. I was at work when he arrived, so my neighbor introduced herself etc. The first thing he asked her was “Do you have weed, or where can I get some?” He then pulled out a fiver. I assume he was going to use the money I gave him to pay for anything if she had said “Yes actually I do”. Luckily she knew how I felt about my dad and drugs. And said “oh no, I’ve just run out”. Joy.

If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would of starved to death.

Ok, I wouldn’t of starved. And it’s not actually my boyfriends doing. It’s his parents. I was an idiot and ran myself out a food. The next door neighbor who promised to take me shopping was always “Tired” or “Not in the mood” even though I gave them free broadband and phone use etc. All they had to do was sit next to me while I drive (I didn’t have a license then). Anyhow, I called Jared’s parents, I wasn’t in dire need of food, but I just asked if I could maybe do a food shop online and if they could please bring it out. They went above and beyond and did a quick shop for me that night. And refused any type of payment for it. Before this, they helped me move, without accepting my petrol money, or any money at all. They are really kind people. I’m so glad I have them if anything goes wrong.

I’m not a bitch though! I”m buying them something they want ((They don’t know I’m getting it though). Two gift certificates to go on a whale watching type tour. On a boat. (Jared asked casually, what they’d want to do sometimes soon).

Jared and I, still going strong.

Dec the 8th marked our 2 year anniversary. I actually had the time off, but we didn’t do a lot. We just went shopping. (I needed new clothes, and he really didn’t mind). Aside from the clingy-mess I’ve become lately, we’re going well. When I say clingy mess. I’ve changed from the mess I was in the last post. I just keep to myself about it. I’m not so worried anymore. Because I know he loves me.

Also, since moving 30mins away from him, and seeing him more then once a term, I’ve discovered he is very talented in the bedroom. I already knew this, partly, I just thought though, it was perhaps because we didn’t see each other often, and if we had sex often, it’d get boring. Boy was I wrong!

I dropped a dress size

OK, so this started in ‘08. But stopped at the start of the year at 14. (I was pretty much a size 18) However, recently, my size 14 clothes have been falling off me! I can’t decide if this is good or bad, as it means I must shop. I hate to shop. But it means I look great!. yE!

Independence.

Yes, that’s right. I’m an adult. Kinda. I pay my bills, clean my house, do my washing, drive my car, eat my food. It’s scary, and hard. And I’ve only just stopped calling my mum every night. Now it’s about ever 2nd – 3rd night.

It’s been a huge learning curve. DYK, it’s not easy working a 12h+ job and keeping a clean house, and eating? To the point where sometimes I don’t eat, or sometimes I don’t clean. Sometimes, I’m to tired to do either, so I don’t.

I have to fight my own battles now (although tbh I mostly already did). I have to be mature and spend money wisely. I have to eat sensibly. And all this other stuff only grown ups do.

Sometimes I want to give up being a grown up. Then I remember “Hey, harden up”. Ye.

I didn’t get UE

University Entrance. I pretty much didn’t even try. I mean, I have the books here to do it. But after I got this job, I was kinda like “Fuck it”. I really need it though. In case I suck at farming and need to go to Uni. Before you say “But don’t you need to go to Uni for the business side of things?” No. I don’t. AgITO. Kthx.

Along with jobs, come an income

Yes. Doesn’t everyone love money? I mean, I hate what it represents. But, we need it. And I’ve got it. Well, did. I’ve recently brought a car, a TV and DVD / surround sound system. A camera, an iPod, food, a little more food (I like to eat) petrol, gifts, trips for my family down here. And yes. Now I’ve no money.

And with that my friends (or not). I say good bye for 2009. In the hope I can perhaps write an intriguing blog next year, to catch readers attention.. and perhaps gain a few.. friends.

1. Bad and good
2. My now-other boss
3. A Maori Funeral
4. read point 3
5. I used to, but I stopped last year
6. Roy, a guy

So I’m going to try and get this off my mind. Me being clingy towards my boyfriend.

I’m not usually a clingy girlfriend. I mean, I used to be with other guys, but I realized it drove them away, so I stopped being so needy, and.. girly-girl. And it’s going all good with Jared. He’s not complained about clingy-ness or anything.

I fear he will though. As lately I have been extremely… *Argh, girls, you can’t do that”.  To the point where I told him he can’t get a job because he’ll meet new people. Haha.

Now, I know he needs a job. And I’m not actually going to come between him getting a job, I’ll support him in every way I can¹. And I totally trust him. I just don’t trust other girls. I used to be one of those girls. “Oh come on baby, your girlfriend won’t know”. OK it was once… but still. I’ve done it. Karma is a bitch, right?

It’s also the fact that he’s never had another girlfriend. He’s also going to Uni next year. While he is doing Computer Science, and there are not A LOT of girls who do that over here in NZ, the few that will  have the same interests.. who will be addicted to WoW and C++ and other.. programmy stuff he does. I tired to take an interest in programming. I didn’t get far. I like to play WoW. But I like doing quests and leveling etc. He likes to raid. So we don’t play together.

I know we’re young. And last year he admited that we may not last long together. Which broke my heart. And while he’s right, I feel that he is.. *the one*?.. No, not *the one*. But. Well, he’s influenced my life a lot. Changed me for the better. Right now, he IS my life. without him, I really don’t know what I’d do. He chears me up when I’m down, he listens to my fears I have about my family, he’s the first boyfriend to tell ME that HE misses me, before I get the chance to say it. He makes me smile just when I look at him. And I’m scared I’ll lose that.

Perhaps what I’m trying to say is that I’ve become too dependent on my boyfriend. And now with him going to a co-ed² uni³, and wanting to get a job. He’s going to be exposed to pretty girls who have the same interests as him.

Stupid past boyfriends. Why  did they have to ruin my trust’ness.

1. because it’ll be his first job
2. Female/male
3. He’s used to attending boys schools