Sur's World

Living With Vertigo ...Three years on

2012-10-08T07:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends,

I have been so overwhelmed by the incredible response I've had and continue to have to the first post I wrote on Vertigo , that I felt it was absolutely necessary for me to write an update on my own progress with this debilitating condition.

For me , it's now been three years ... and what can I tell you about the way I'm feeling and how my life has changed. Well I can say this dear friends , this condition has been awful to deal with , I still have it but I am truly grateful to the Universe it came !

Having Vertigo has changed my life completely . It has been a great teacher and has shown me how to live a kinder gentler life and how to treat myself with respect. This illness has led me to discover meditation ,which I absolutely love and now do everyday . Most importantly it has taught me patience .
I now understand that healing can not be rushed. That true healing of, any kind, must and can only come from within and in its own time and if the process is just allowed to happen with surrender and trust, the healing comes naturally and gently.

As far as my condition goes , I am still under the care of the amazing Dr Surenthiran - who is more like a friend to me now ! I'm still taking a combination of Nortriptyline and Topiramate and I'm on pretty high doses of both of these drugs - which means stronger side effects too . But the great news for me was that since January of this year I went back to work . I'm very sensible and watch that I don't overdo things, but getting back to work has been such a huge result for me because it signifies that my life is now getting back to normal again and it feels great!

So how does the future look...

I know that even though I feel ok most of the time , reality is that beneath all the effects of the medication the Vertigo is still there . I'm also well aware that as soon as I do too much and forget about this FACT and go dancing or go to the gym too often, the vertigo very quickly reminds me of its presence and shouts HEY REMEMBER ME :) So, the way forward for me it just to be really sensible about what I do and how much I do. The great news is that as long as I get enough rest I'm pretty much back to normal now . Hopefully I can start coming down on the medication soon, as long as I don't have too many set backs .

Meditation has been my real saviour. I've been doing it for nearly two years now . I find it centres me , keeps me calm and above all else it has taken me to a place where I feel I may now have started to realise that true Zen state of "no mind" . That is truly the most wonderful place to be - especially when you've come from being the complete stressed out A-type personality that I once was !!

This condition is not an easy ride and has not been easy for me to deal with . I still have days when I feel really rough and the tears come again and my positivity is tested to the max , but I am grateful that I see this now for what it is - it came to show me that my life had to change. If it wasn't for this, chances are I would not have met so many of the amazing people who are now in my life who make it all that it is - absolutely wonderful . So, all that I want to say to anyone out there who has Vertigo is please don't despair, you will get better . Give yourself time , be patient and be kind to yourself. If you need any support or just need someone to talk to please write to me , I'm here .

Love Sur x

Soul Questions .....

2011-02-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

It is not more surprising to be born twice than once; everything in nature is resurrection - Voltaire

Whether you believe in the existence of the soul or not, I guarantee that at some point or other in your life situations will arise that will automatically ignite the spark of curiosity in this fascinating subject. Then, like me , you too will have many many questions and perhaps begin your own journey towards some sort of enlightenment and better understanding of something whose existence cannot be proven scientifically , yet has had an enormous part to play in many cultures for thousands of years .

For most people, it's when they first experience a death that they begin to wonder that maybe being "alive" is more than just having a pulse. When we witness a loved one pass away, there is a real sense of energy leaving the body, as though the very “essence” of who they were has left them leaving behind an empty shell. It’s more than just organs shutting down and a heart that ceases to beat. The energy that kept that body alive is there one second and gone the next. Is that energy the soul? It’s this energy, or life force that led me to start asking the soul questions a long time ago.

Let’s go right back to the start, before we’re born. According to some of the books I’ve read, the soul enters the body of the unborn baby at around the age of about four months. While some more complicated theories on “sole migration” lead us to believe that the sole can be transferred through many life forms with its ultimate goal being that of the human form, I am more inclined to consider the plausibility of human souls entering human bodies over and over again. This being the case, the type of body and the circumstances into which we are born are then determined by the conduct of the soul in its previous human experience.

By the time the baby is born, it has no recollection of this past however it does have some personality traits and tendencies that are “carried over” with the soul. Regardless of the environment in which they are raised and the influences they have exerted on them, even small children will often show attitudes that are all of their own and peculiar to them.Could these be unresolved issues from a past soul existence that need to be worked through in order to learn and heal?

In his book Soul to Soul, Gary Zukav describes the human experience as the time we spend in the “Earth school.” He suggests that prior to each birth we return home to a non-physical reality where we examine the parts of our soul that require work in order to become what we are all ultimately attempting to become and that is someone capable of being wise and compassionate in every challenge. Zukav goes on to say that we are ultimately aiming to create “a life of harmony, cooperation, sharing and reverence for life which is a life of meaning and joy.” Until this is accomplished, the soul must keep returning to a human existence. We therefore chose to return to another life making that choice ourselves. WE choose the family, WE choose the life, WE choose the circumstances and WE chose who we are!

I found this idea very interesting indeed, as it suggests that we are in fact answerable to ourselves for our conduct. It suggests that there is no heaven or hell, no judge or jury, we do all that ourselves. This actually makes perfect sense – after all, you can’t lie to yourself! So ultimately we create our own Karma through our own deeds. If we create joy we experience joy. When we create suffering we experience suffering. It’s just like looking in a mirror; I will only SEE the reflection of the expression I pull. Therefore Zukav, like many other writers on this subject, advocates focusing our attention on the choices we make along the way during our time here on the Earth school, rather than focusing on the things we do as being right or wrong because there is no right or wrong – things just are what they are. Also, by seeing ourselves as souls then we are better able to grasp the concept of being immortal, powerful, creative, compassionate and loving spirits who enter each life to learn specific lessons in order to heal and one day return home to the non-physical reality forever.

Another very interesting book by Dr Brian Weiss (author of Many Lives Many Masters) called Only Love Is Real, talks of the relationships between souls and soul recognition. The book examines the “account” that often exists between souls that spans many life times. This relationship could be a loving positive one or a destructive one. Either way, there is usually an instant recognition of the soul when they appear in your life, even if you have never met the person before in the flesh. Haven’t you ever met someone for the first time and felt like you’ve always known them, even before speaking to them? Only Love Is Real – explores the idea of soul mates and people who are bonded by love for eternity and are together life time after life time. Gary Zukav describes every individual in the Earth school as a soul mate. Even a total stranger who says a kind word or helps us in the street has a contribution to make in illuminating unhealed parts in us so that we can heal them. Brian Weiss on the other hand, suggests that there are more intimate links between specific souls and that these links remain beyond time and are forged out of love.

Do we have souls? Have we been here many times before? Are the people we love our souls mates? So many questions, and no way of being absolutely sure of any of the answers. Physics tells us that energy cannot be created or destroyed – we have to accept that. So, if the energy in a body is a soul - where does that soul’s energy come from in the first place?

My theory is we are all souls, energy call it what you will, all here to learn through our mistakes and experiences to ultimately make some sort of peace with ourselves and thereby reach a state of bliss. Some of us succeed, some of us spend our whole lives trying, but as long as we find our own happiness along the way it really doesn’t matter. As for the source of our energy, well that one’s easy – it all comes from out there from the stars, the galaxies and the cosmos itself. We are woven into the Universe itself, a part of its fabric and in turn all a part of each other.

Scribble Face For Sale!

2010-11-19T06:28:00.000-08:00

I've got a brand new Scibble Face, so I'm getting rid of the old battered one if anyone wants it - very cheap, it's a bit worn around the edges but it's still good for a few years ....." What on earth is she on about now?" is that what you're saying? My Scribble Face is what my dad, always rather endearingly, refers to as my cross face - like the sort of face the stick people have in children's pictures when they're angry. Unfortunately, the other people I know just refer to this expression when I wear it as "THE FACE ........... AGAIN!"

Some of us are unfortunately born with scribble faces - not because we are miserable buggers all the time, but because we just can't find much around us to make our scribbled mouths straight, let alone become full blown smilies! With me, this "condition" is becoming more severe the older I get , despite the fact that I am doing so much more work on myself to reduce my Victor Meldrewness! You see, I think the root cause of my problem, is that I don't like people very much! Well, no that's unfair, it's not that I don't like ALL people, it's just MOST people. If I've lost some readers already - then goodbye! For those who are staying on for more - thank you ...I'm starting to like you already.

I've always been quite outspoken with my opinion of the people around me. Growing up, it wasn't too bad, because I was indulged quite a bit by my dad who liked my strength of character. But I've always found it strange how that same characteristic that my dad called "strength " has ,since I left the love of his house, often be referred to as "aggression !" Perception is a funny thing isn't it? As an adult , my opinions have been less well received and have sometimes been the cause of difficulties for me , but speaking up for what I think is right and fair has always been important to me and if that makes me unpopular then so be it. I'm not talking about politics or economic issues (leave that for another blog) I'm just talking about everyday little things , behaviour and the way people interact with each other and that's what I want to talk about this week.

I'm not sure if it's because I did a lot of team sports like hockey and netball growing up, but I've always had this impression of life that we're all in it together somehow. That I'm not just experiencing life as an "individual" in isolation but that I must also OBSERVE how my life impacts other people and how other people impact mine . As a result of this , I have found myself seeing life, or attempting to, from as many different perspectives as I can - trying to see what it feels like to walk in the shoes of others if you like.
But , sadly the reason I find my expression rarely changes, is because the vast majority of people " out there" don't share this view point . To make matters worse, there are many people who chose to live in a way that is so completely irritating to me that I had to speak up about it.

Our behaviour says so much about us, even without us saying a word. The way we behave towards those we know, those we don't know, every interaction has an impact. It leaves a lasting impression.
It is so powerful it can create a heaven or a hell right here on Earth; it can make us blissfully happy or mournfully sad. Our behaviour can make people want to move mountains for us or turn their backs on us forever.

Just to watch people interacting with each other, even in a social setting - its incredible how much bad behaviour you can spot! In any social gathering, it is usually quite easy within an hour or so, to establish who the Controllers, Selfish and Rude ones are. The Controllers will talk the loudest and talk over everybody else. They will spend the entire time telling you how wonderful and successful they are, at everything they do, and how you are not .They will constantly tell you that you're wrong and then basically say exactly what you've just said in their own words! The Selfish ones, will talk about their own story all the time .They'll ignore your questions and your answers, because they only hear their own voice and when they're not talking, don't be fooled -- they're only listening to their own thoughts anyway! And the best ones have to be the Rude ones. Not only do they not listen to the conversation, the rude ones will not even be aware that there are in fact other humans in the room at all and they still think they're great!
Those of you who have ever been the ones who never got a word out , or felt undermined in any way , or just been upset by others will understand exactly what I am talking about . Those of you who may be guilty of perhaps a little selfishness or rudeness may tell me to stop being so analytical and relax! Where do you fit in?

Anyone who know me , will no doubt say " well Surjit you have a pretty loud voice yourself " and I do , but I am also happy to be told when I'm wrong . Remember, I did say my rather passionate nature is often misquoted as aggressiveness! However, my reason for writing this blog is not just to have a rant, but to say that if we were all a little more considerate of the impact of our behaviour on those around us surely everyone would benefit. Arrogance, selfishness , controlling others to make ourselves feel good are surely all character FLAWS and therefore are not things to aspire to . And the worst extravagance of all must be to take advantage of the love, kindness and compassion of another. For that crime, there can be no forgiveness in my book.

And these are the things that give me a Scribble Face.

But I did receive something recently that allowed me to relax the muscles in my face, for a change. It was an email entitled - Random Acts Of Kindness. The message was simply to give the reader examples of acts of kindness that they could do for total strangers, without the receivers knowing who had carried them out. It included things like; paying the toll for the car behind you at a toll bridge, putting money into parking meter for someone just before it ran out or simply giving way to a car in a traffic jam. Looking down the list , I decided that I would try and do some of these on a regular basis, not because I want to go to heaven or think I'm a goody goody , but because it'll just make other people , people I don't even know feel a bit happier. That's what life is all about. It's about being good to those around us, not just for personal gain or to step on so you can get to the next "rung up." It's a team sport, and too many of us expend too much energy competing against the same side.

I love my new Scribble Face, it's really grumpy looking this one! Actually, those of you brave enough to come closer will know that behind the scribble I'm not that bad really, some days I can even be quite nice. So please don't be afraid I don't bite - well, not unless you really annoy me!!!

An Awakening

2010-11-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I have not written for a while . I was unwell for a time and following that, went into a bit of a tail spin emotionally that left me feeling lost and without direction once more . It's strange how dizziness quite literally turns your world upside down.  Coming out of that tail spin, has been a bit of an odd experience this time . I can't even say with certainty, that I've actually "come out "of it at all. But what I can tell you, is that I feel like I'm waking up from a dream, or at least parts of it.

I have always been intrigued by matters concerning the mind and learning and so when I heard about an incredible learning system called Photo Reading a few months ago, where you are taught the skills to read at a phenomenal speed of 25,000 words a minute, I was naturally curious. The basic premise is that you are able to comprehend much more information, yet spend a fraction of the time reading by using something called  a "whole mind system." A system developed by a man called Paul Scheele back in the 1980's.

So two weeks ago, I decided to take the Photo Reading course. I'm always keen learn new skills and my natural curiosity allows me to "think outside the box " enough to  give such things a chance. However, I wasn't at all sure how it was going to work or IF it was going to work at all . BUT , I went into it with a mind that was wide open and the willingness to accept that whatever I was about to be taught was possible and achievable because others had had success with it . What I had learned of this "genius reading," as I'd heard it being referred to, had on the whole been very positive. Though the little sceptical voice in the back of my mind was often hard to keep quiet  as time and money were also one the line.

The course  was incredible . It was not at all what I had expected it to be , in fact it greatly surpassed my expectations . With the relaxation and visualisation training , it turned out to be something that really tapped into my unconscious mind and psyche far more than I had expected it to. I went away from the course, being able to access the information I needed from any average sized book in around 15 - 20 minutes and effortlessly write or speak about what I'd read in detail ! This in itself was incredible , but the thing that really blew my mind was what had happened IN MY MIND! I'm not sure if it was purely because our instructor Marilyn Devonish, also a trainer in NLP and Hypnosis, was so superb in delivering the training, which she was . But since this course, there appears to be something that I can only describe as an "awakening" occurring inside me.

This awakening is from a number of things. Old habits , behaviours ,relationships, things that no longer serve any purpose therefore need to be thrown out of my life and all in all clarity seems to have entered from somewhere. One of the exercises we were taught, involved increasing the awareness of our peripheral vision. As a result of this, I now feel as though I am able to access my mind better. It's as though I almost  have a 360 degree view of whatever is going on inside there; the thoughts and beliefs, the feelings, the clutter! Whatever has made it possible for my mind to scan an entire book in 5 minutes and ONLY focus on the information that is relevant to my purpose, seems to have also made it possible for me to scan other parts of my life to see whats good and what needs to be changed . I seem to be able to see it now .

One rather weird thing that has happened, is that I seem to be able to recreate things rather easily now. The other day we at an Indian Restaurant and I was having a Chick Pea dish. I love to cook , but I never cook chick peas because mine are never as good as the restaurant ones. That day, I decided to use my new found skills and put my training to practice. I focused on the tastes and textures and "took in" all that I loved about  what I was seeing and tasting. That weekend I recreated the dish, without a recipe, and at the first attempt mine tasted and looked exactly the same as the restaurants - No difference !!!

Has the photo reading enabled me to realise capability that had till now been lying dormant all this time? Am I just waking up and becoming more conscious of what's important and what's not in my life and therefore just uncluttering my mind, allowing for clarity of thought and better judgement? One of the first things Marilyn had said when we started the photo reading course, that really resonated with me, was to just "trust and believe" in our abilities - did the technique work with me because I did just that? I'm not sure, but I do know this for sure, if you're not learning and growing you're dying. So, I'm going to keep learning and I'm going to keep growing and when I figure it all out, I promise to write and tell you all about it. Till then, go safely and go with love .

Watching The Mind

2010-10-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

This week I tuned into a very interesting Webinar that was run by the One World Academy on Inner Life . It explored how we need to be consistently aware of our thoughts , so that each time we are faced with any kind of emotional disturbance, we can prevent our feeling from becoming over exaggerated ,which in turn affect our psychological behaviour. By doing this continually, we can start to develop insights about how the mind is structured and how our minds operate in certain situation . With practice , it is possible to question what the mind is trying to make us believe and how we often end up behaving as a result.

" to see is to be free"

Therefore, the work we need to do is nothing more than observation. Krishnaraj, the founder of the One World Academy, described this kind of work as requiring Passive Effort as it requires very little work at all. However, the simplest things are always the hardest things to master . Our minds are so full of noise and chatter most of the time, that we are not even aware of the stories we are continually telling ourselves in the course of a day , that is until we actually stop and become aware of our thoughts !

Becoming aware ...

Having always had a very busy mind myself , it was only after reading an amazing book by Eckhart Tolle called the Power Of Now, a few years ago, that I actually became aware of it ! I'm not quite sure at what point that happened exactly , but I realised that at that stage of my life ,I had a constant stream of dialogue going on in my head pretty much all the time ! Some days I would be consumed by long heated altercations in my head . Continuations of conversations that had happened before, things that I was upset about, things I wanted to say to people, things I hadn't said yet. The list went on and on. My mind and the incessant thoughts were keeping me locked in a place that was unhealthy and served no purpose other than to perpetuate feelings of bitterness and anger.

Noisy Mind....

Eckhart Tolle describes this very well in A New Earth as "the voice in the head." Once we become detached from that voice and see that our mind has a life of its own , then we reach a new state of consciousness . We have created a" little gap" between ourselves and the mind that allows us to stand back and observe exactly what the mind is doing !

Become The Observer .....

Becoming the silent observer is like playing a game with yourself . I started by imagining a room in my mind - a dark cosy little alcove where I could sit to be the silent watcher of my minds activity. Whenever my mind raced off , I ( being the conscious I ) would go and sit down in my seat and, to my surprise, my mind would immediately become silent ! The Mind does not like being watched ! Its has no power when it's being observed and checked . You just have to remind yourself to stay alert and detach yourself and sit down to watch it.

Practice Makes Perfect....

As with anything the more you do it the better you get and the easier it becomes. Thankfully, I now have a pretty noise free mind and as soon as I hear even the hint of a story starting I sit right down in my chair and that soon puts an end to that ! When I think of how my thoughts affected my behaviour , how they made me feel towards certain people and about certain situations for an awful long time its incredible the power they had over me . "Life isn't as serious as my mind makes it out to be." The mind is a wonderful thing , but it can cause us damage and bring us unnecessary pain if we allow it . Therefore doing inner work is important and after all it only involves a little bit of observation .So next time your mind is racing ,why not pull up a comfy chair, sit back in your favourite corner and just LISTEN ! Smile at the mind , laugh at it and never take it too seriously .

Why Does My Personality Give Me Such A Hard Time?

2010-10-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers

Those of you who have been following my weekly blogs, will have got to know a little bit about me by now and I thank you for taking the time to do that. You may have read last week about my wonderful childhood of which I have many happy memories, and also of the severe Vertigo that has dominated my life for this past year. This week, I would like to "fill in the gap" between my childhood and adulthood, because somewhere in that space, something very strange happened to me - my personality underwent a transformation into something not very nice !!!!

Please don't panic, or feel the need to immediately dial 999! By, something not very nice, I mean not very nice FOR ME! I have, what I now realise, is a strong Type A personality, as opposed to a Type B personality, and this has caused me more problems than I can tell you. Type A? Type B? I hear you say ....please allow me to explain .... here comes some info!

We all think our personalities are pretty unique and to a large extent that's true, however the way we behave can be very simply classified into two groups Type A and Type B. If you don't know which group you belong to, there are lots of tests you can do, but just to give you the general idea here are some typical types of behaviour:

Which side would best describe you?

Side 1	Side 2
I am always bang on time!	I am quite laid back about time
I always finish peoples sentences	I listen to people calmly
I'm very ambitious	I'm satisfied with my work life
I'm passionate about everything	I'm reserved and keep my feelings inside
I multitask and get things done!	I do things slowly and think what to do next
I am impatient	I have patience
I am very competitive	I don't feel the need to compete

In a nutshell, Side 1 shows the types of behaviour a person with Type A would generally exhibit and Side 2, Type B. The reason it is good to know just how much of type A or B we have in us, is because we can use this information to change that behaviour if and WHEN it starts causing us problems.

I discovered a while ago that I was very strongly a Type A person . People like me are great !We work really hard because we're so diligent . We always do very well because we're soooo ambitious. We make great leaders because we lead from the front and by example . We always get things done before time never mind on time ! We work around the clock because we don't have time to feel tired. We never let people down - you can ALWAYS count on us ! Everyone loves us . We're the first to arrive and the last one to leave any occasion - we'll do all the cooking and washing up ! We're absolutely bloomin marvelous !!! That is .......Until we CRASH!!!!

And BOY DO WE CRASH ! Type A people will basically push and push and push themselves until they are with in an inch of their lives and only then will they drop. We will basically keep going when everyone else has packed up and gone home for the holidays . We carry the world on our backs and even then ask for more work because we don't know when enough is enough . We are such perfectionists, that we'll go to the nth degree to make sure we get whatever we're doing "just right" and we'll keep trying until we do, even if it takes a lifetime .We keep absorbing more and more pressure and telling ourselves we can cope even when all the warning signs have started FLASHING!

For this reason, Type A people are their own worst enemy. We don't know when to STOP. We can't say NO ! We are so afraid of failing, of disappointing that we'd rather do damage to ourselves than upset others.
Unfortunately , though it all sounds very noble and very commendable, being like this is very harmful indeed. This type of behaviour and attitude to life leads to a great deal of stress . People with Type B personalities, suffer from and cope so much better with stress and life in general and therefore have fewer stress related illnesses as a result.

My battles with stress started as far back as my student days at University, I actually still have nightmares that I have finals to sit and have forgotten to revise! Stress just became a part of my life and I didn't even realise it . I didn't realised that I never smiled because life wasn't for enjoying or relaxing it was all about work and responsibilities. I didn't realise that I was always in a rush trying to get to the next place, I never had time to stop and notice the flowers or the colour of the sky. I didn't realise that I was always worried about something and if I wasn't worried that I'd actually think of something to worry about! My mind had to be constantly buzzing with a million things and I could never sit still because that would be wasting time and that would never do . The dilemma was, that though my personality gave me great success in my work and other areas of my life , it was also making me very ill indeed.

As a result of my behaviour, I'd had a few run-ins with stress in the past , but over the last few years stress really started to become a problem for me . But the mind and body are really very clever . Even if you push as hard as me, you can still only go so far before THEY just say NO ! That's basically what happened . I am now learning the hard way . Constantly pushing myself as I have always done has resulted in a total balance system breakdown - the fuse has blown! Stress has been the main cause of my Vertigo. Now I have no choice but to wait until my body is ready for me to go again.

So ,now I need to use this time wisely to learn and to change . And this was why I chose to write about my personality this week dear friends. Because even after going through all that I have for the last year , I'm sorry to tell you that I'm still falling into the same A Type personality traps! Just this week I have found myself putting myself under huge pressure to achieve things I know I can't, over promising things I can't deliver because I'm not well enough and just generally overdoing things. Ive read so many books on how to slow down , I meditate everyday , I'm on so much medication it's a wonder I'm not asleep 24hrs a day as it is !!! yet still I can't seem to change or stop my initial response to things being typically Type A . When will I learn?

But I guess recognition is the first step to recovery, so hopefully the second will be change . I'll have to keep working on that one and maybe someday, if I'm really lucky, I too will attain that Zen like state of enlightenment and peace of "no mind" that I long for so much ! And with that beautiful thought I will leave you dear friends for another week , till then go safely and go with love wherever you go and have an amazing week . Sur x

Memories Pressed Between The Pages Of My Mind.....

2010-09-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve always found it fascinating how people’s tastes can vary so much. You like Spring I prefer Autumn, you’ll have white wine but I always have the red. Opinions, feelings, tastes we all have a different perspective on so many things. Then there are memories. Haven’t you been to a party with someone and had a fantastic time ,only to find out the next day that they hated every minutes of it, so much so that you have to ask yourself “ were you even at the same party ?!”

As I get older, I find myself looking back at my life, childhood especially, more and more. Not so long ago , I heard somewhere that our memories may not be our memories at all , but rather a composite of some real memories, some stories we’ve heard, images we’ve seen in photographs, and some things that we’ve actually just made up ourselves! Therefore however we’ve come to acquire those memories, it’s not surprising that when two people sit and reminisce about their childhood, their recollections should be so very different.

The other day, my sister and I were fondly recollecting our experiences of childhood and the subject of how often we got smacked as kids came up! In this highly politically correct, ultra sanitised, antiseptic world of ours, it will no doubt shock some of you to hear we used to be kept on the straight and narrow in our house, with a sharp whack on the butt from our dads size 9 leather sandal! Though you may be forgiven for not seeing anything remotely “fond” about having ones butt whacked with a leather sandal, the reason I wanted to make this the subject for my blog this week was just that that conversation with my sister, made me realise that though she and I had grown up in exactly the same house, with same family, same values and same upbringing her memories and my memories were very different.

They would be, she and I are different people. She is the eldest child, I am a middle child and therefore we will naturally suffer from the “syndromes” that go with each of those respective positions! But joking aside, my memories of being that child; second daughter ,one of four children, two boys ,two girls were mainly full of happiness and laughter whereas hers were more sombre and melancholy. Ive often asked myself why this is the case. Did my sister in fact HAVE a less happy childhood than me? Have I just invented a more idyllic one because I chose to or did I actually experience a happier one?

I can certainly remember that as a child I was the one who was always in trouble and constantly being reminded by our mum of how different I was from my sister. Mum would always compare us. She would praise my sister no-end because she could cook and sew and knit and speak to all the aunties and uncles really politely , whereas I together with my younger brother aka my partner in crime , would spend our days doing really fun stuff like washing the kitchen floor with a whole bottle of Fairy liquid ……. Loads-a-bubbles!!!!!

But as they say “with the sweet comes the bitter” – “after the bubbles comes the sandal!” And oh yes me and my brother had more sandal sessions than either of our other two siblings put together x10, but I’d do it all again and then some! Though at the exact time of “whacking” I probably didn’t think it so much , I knew mum and dad were just teaching me a lesson and I dare say they probably had a laugh or two at mine and my brothers antics from time to time – maybe not right away though. And I think that was the key , I somehow knew even though mum and dad felt like pulling their hair out sometimes ,I was really loved and adored especially by my dad, and though it seems totally absurd even though I did get punished so many, many, many, more times than my sister I always felt really good about myself and really confident.

I have one very special memory of a photograph that’s sadly been lost somewhere now, but it’s of me ,my sister and our lovely Grand dad. It was taken when I was about seven years old and my sister and I were both standing on either side of this towering 6 ft 3” giant holding his huge hands. Just before the photo was taken, I vividly recall thinking “ I don’t need to hold anyone’s hand !“ and so I let go of my Grand dads hand and I stood tall next to him, in my mind, I was standing next to my Grand dad shoulder to shoulder! That memory has never left me , though now I am an adult I often need to remind myself of the strength I felt that day as a little girl with my Grand dad at my side.

So why do I have more happy memories of childhood? I think it’s because I just concentrated on being ME rather pleasing others. I may have been in trouble a lot, I may not have done what my mum might have wanted me to do all the time. But at the end of the day, I still learned how to cook and sew and knit and talk to aunties and uncles but in addition to all those things , I feel blessed to also have so many precious memories of lots of wonderful things like helping my Grand dad mix cement for a pathway he was building years ago or racing down the hill in front of our old house in Huddersfield on my sisters old tricycle at what seemed like 90 miles an hour ,with my brother standing on the back and feeling the wind on our faces !

Therefore my message dear friends, especially to the young ones is - LIVE YOUR LIFE TO PLEASE YOURSELF NOT TO PLEASE OTHERS ! That way you will create lots of happy memories too . Enjoy your life and then like me , you too will be able to sit back, examine your knees, look at your battle scars with glee and say boy did I have FUN getting these !!!!!

Listen to the song by Elvis Presley:
Memories Pressed Between The Pages Of My Mind.....

Living with Vertigo

2010-09-12T10:35:00.000-07:00

Remember when you were little, did you ever play that game where you spin and spin and spin in one direction and then STOP! The whole world seemed to whirl and swirl around and your head with it! You couldn't walk at all and you would fall about laughing like a giddy fool with no direction and no bearings. How fun that game was. But the sensation only lasted a few minutes, before normality and balance returned – but just imagine feeling like that all the time. Imagine, if like me, that had been your reality day after day for an entire year!

How it all started…..

I suffer from a condition called Migraine Variant Vertigo – bit of a mouthful, so we'll call it MVV. I believe MVV is a fairly uncommon form of the illness and certainly one I had never heard of before. It started last July after what had been a pretty typical day at the office, you know the sort I mean phones ringing non-stop, clients calling to rearrange meetings you'd moved heaven and earth to arrange in the first place, a to do list that was growing by the second and the half eaten remains of something which should have been filed in the nearest trash receptacle in the first place! Around early evening I began noticing that strangely I was seeing smoke. Though there was no smoke around me, through my eyes it appeared as though every room was filled with a hazy cloud. Naturally I assumed this was due to tiredness and decided to have an early night and THAT'S when it all started!

Having not been a migraine sufferer before, the head ache I developed that night was so severe that I actually thought I was going to die. Anyone who has ever had a migraine will know exactly what I'm talking about. The muscles in my neck, around my scalp and face were getting tighter and tighter which made my head feel like pressure was building up inside ready for an explosion! I wasn't able to open my eyes, couldn't speak, and couldn't move. No-one could help me, no-one could comfort me.

I'm not sure how I managed to sleep that night, because none of my normal pain relief tablets had worked, but by morning, thank God, the head ache had gone. However, I did notice that I was feeling slightly dizzy, but returned to work regardless. No sooner than I had got back into the bright office lights , computers screens, people talking and lots of movement all around me, the "slight dizziness" immediately escalated into a major earth quake and I was back in the playground age 6 spinning and spinning and spinning totally disorientated , confused and knowing something was very wrong indeed.

Time to Call the Doctors……..

I went to see my GP straight away. I'd had a couple bouts of vertigo before over the last 10 years but those had been caused by ear infections. On full examination my ears were fine, blood pressure was fine, there was no fever and nothing to indicate any other cause for my symptoms. Yet I still felt dizzy and as the hours went on so the dizziness was increasing. My GP prescribed Stemetil a drug I'd taken before. After a few days of taking Stemetil and feeling even worse, my GP referred me to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist. Luckily the ENT specialist that I was assigned to happened to be one of if not "the" MVV specialist in the whole of the South East, a Consultant Neuro-otologist called Dr Surenthiran. By the time I saw Dr Surenthiran , which was 4 days after I'd had the migraine, I had gone from feeling like I was a little tipsy to feeling like I was in a tiny boat sailing on a very very rough sea. By that stage I was in a pretty bad way . I wasn't able to drive at all , I wasn't even able to walk unaided. I couldn't stand without holding onto something or someone otherwise I would sway violently. I couldn't sit without my head being supported otherwise it would literally bob up and down uncontrollably. My eyes would catch every single movement around me. I couldn't bear bright light or loud sound, even lying in bed I felt as though I was moving. I was exhausted from all the movement in me and around me and yet all I was able to do was SIT! And this is how it was from morning till night, day after day after day!

Dr Surenthiran immediately diagnosed me with MVV. He explained that what had happened, in very simple terms, was that the migraine had caused damage to the nerves between the balance system in the ears and the brain. My brain was now no longer trusting the messages it was getting from my eyes, ears and muscles regarding the position of my body resulting in total confusion and zero balance. After an MRI scan and a whole series of Vestibular Function Tests he was able to assess how severe the problem was and decide on the best plan of action.

The Treatment …….

Dr Surenthiran was great – the first thing he told me was "this is probably going to get much worse before it gets better!" Don't you just love doctors? But he wasn't trying to scare me, he'd seen hundreds of patients like me before some much worse, what he was doing was PREPARING me.

Straight away he:

• Took me off Stemetil

• Put me on a special diet that cut out things like caffeine, dairy products, citrus fruits, chocolate and red wine (this was going to be tough!)

• Started me on daily Vestibular Rehabilitation exercises three times a day.

• Prescribed a drug called Nortriptyline.

Dr Surenthiran also told me that I had to eat regular meals and get PLENTY of rest. He explained this condition was not easy to treat and that I was going to have to be patient, but in the early days I didn't quite realise what being patient really meant and quite what he was asking of me when he told me to take it easy!

Six months have gone by and I'm still off sick!....

Picture The Scene – Christmas had been and gone. I'd been off chocolate and red wine for a long time and was not a happy girl! I'd been taking Nortriptyline for months and was up to maximum strength plus taking another medication on top. I still wasn't driving, I'd been house bound for what seemed a life time. I'd feel better for a week and then have an attack which would wipe me out for three . This would result in a dose increase in my medication which meant I'd get another week or so of feeling OK and then WHAM another attack! It was like being on a terrible "illness roller coaster" I was really feeling desperate by this point and having promised my boss I'd be back at work in the New Year, I felt like I was letting everyone down by just not getting better. I was seeing Dr Surenthiran every 6 weeks and thinking "this is NEVER going to end!" Then during one of those appointments I finally had a breakthrough. My consultant told me that I had to stop putting unreasonable demands on myself that I had to JUST LET GO! He said that I had to accept I was no longer able to run around cramming a million and one things into my day as I used to before and that, for now, I was just going to have to focus on GETTING BETTER and not on GETTING BACK TO ANYTHING! That suddenly made so much sense. Having always had zero patience, my body was now making me stop and teaching me patience. The lesson I was learning was that the harder I was kicking myself to get better fast, the more I was actually prolonging my recovery because I was not giving myself time to heal.

Finally Getting Real…….

It's now been just over a year since this started. Thankfully the acute attacks that used to last 2-3 weeks are under control with my current medication, which is combination of Nortriptyline and another drug called Topiramate. The vertigo has not gone away but has now become rather like an old friend that I've gotten used to. The medication is very strong and very sedating and because the dose of both drugs is so high, the side effects do have their own problems but you do get used to that too. I feel very tired all the time and sleep like a log but that's not a bad thing. The dizziness is still there, but it feels like I'm sailing on calmer waters now. I still need a lot of help from my family and friends who deserve medals for keeping me sane through all this. However, even though I try to stay calm and try to be as realistic and kind to myself as possible, I still find it difficult to answer people when they ask me "how come you still haven't got better!" Dr Surenthiran warned me about this too. He told me that vertigo is a very disabling illness, more disabling even than having one leg! But it's an illness that's not well understood and no one realises what you are going through because on the face of it you look perfectly healthy and normal! Though this has been a very difficult year for me in so many ways, I am still thankful for what it has taught me and that is that I'M STILL STANDING (it may not be straight - but I'm still standing!)

I'd love to hear from anyone who is suffering from Vertigo and needs someone to talk to. I know only too well how crippling and isolating this illness can be, so if there is anything I can do to encourage and give hope that there are good days and light at the end of the tunnel, then I am here and happy to help.

For further information on Vertigo:

Radio 4 programme by Dr Mark Porter Aug 25th 2010 - Balance Disorders

Lucy Atkins Guardian 2008 - Spinning out of control

The Mystery Of Love

2010-09-05T14:43:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone and a very warm welcome to my first "Sur's World" Blog!

Each week I will be sharing with you something wondrous that has caught my imagination , moved me to tears ,made stop and think , made me scream and shout or just plain made me think . All in the attempt to share with fellow souls something of interest and more importantly something of use, so that we can ALL move forward in the Universe and also on our own personal journeys.

This week was an amazing week, this week I learned about LOVE! I learned that most of us quite wrongly and habitually chase love externally . What do I mean by this - well we look for love "outside" ourselves from other people. Most of us grow up with the notion that we'll grow up , meet the man or woman of our dreams who'll "complete us " and together we'll live happily ever after! This kind of love must therefore be earned . We are unconsciously telling the mind, that without it we have no value , no worth and so once earned we will gain all these assets and finally be the happy and contented person we are meant to be . However, when we pursue this kind of love , which the majority of us do , it does not take long before problems begin to start . The pursuit of this kind of love is basically ego driven with one obvious major flaw - how can another person possibly KNOW your value and worth in order to give it you unless YOU do yourself ?
The result of this is that many people are left feeling undervalued and ultimately unloved and the relationship ends in heart break.

Therefore , the reason why the majority of people are not happy and not in loving relationships where they feel totally and utterly "in-love" all the time is because they go into their relationships with the totally wrong mindset! And until this mindset is fixed , they keep making the same mistakes again and again and again.

CLEAN UP YOUR HEAD!
A spring clean is great around the house - well its fantastic inside your head too! Especially where love is concerned. Life today is extremely busy , however we must STOP and invest a little time in ourselves to make a shift in our mindset and constantly remind ourselves of how wonderful we are . We need to get rid of old baggage and replace it with positive messages of how we deserve love because we ARE love . Basically, true love cannot be given or taken it just is . Why is this ? Because love like any other form of energy cannot be created or destroyed - its just physics . And love contains no wanting whatsoever its amazing , therefore when you feel an abundance of this "internal" love you are never "needy " or "overdemanding." Where does this amazing true love come from ? It actually come from within .It lives with us all, right from the moment we are born and stays with us all through our lives, our job is only to recognise it and then to uncover it! Unfortunately , most of us are experts at finding and pointing out our faults yet feel unequipped to uncover this love simply because we do such a good job of hating ourselves. This is why chasing external love, which is normally doomed to disappoint us in some way or other, is far easier for us digest.

Therefore dear friends in conclusion, in order to grow and prosper in love , we must look within and be complete ourselves rather than look to others to complete us. If we are able to love ourselves as perfect, beautiful BEINGS, then the love we are able to share with others will indeed be true love and that love is PURE LOVE a love that JUST IS.