I have also seen the passive destruction where the mother plants seeds of doubt, and insinuates affairs are going on. When they are not insinuating affairs, they are making statements about how the disliked spouse is NOT GOOD ENOUGH for their child. Such MIL’s never pass up a chance to take a dig or launch an insult that comes their way. Such people work around the clock to tear down and destroy their child’s marriage. They often lay awake at night considering what new plan they can put into play. It is as if they can not sleep until they do something devious.

The destruction is made worse by how such evil MIL’s profess love and adoration for their child, while working the whole time to undermine their child’s marriage. The confused messages of love and hate are contradictory and confusing to deal with. Evil MIL’s make recovery from affairs difficult if not an insurmountable task.

Some of the things that you can do to limit their evil work:

1. Set and enforce clear boundaries

2. Do not tell them any information which they can misuse

3. Do not give them addresses, phone numbers or email addresses of your friends

4. Talk to your spouse about the need for clear boundaries and how it will strengthen your own marriage

5. Do not accept the guilt trips thrown at you

6. Learn to recognize and avoid traps the MIL sets for you

7. Approach each family get together with caution

8. Holidays are especially vicious. Be prepared for them to try something.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Here Tammy was having an affair and letting her marriage fall apart and Cassie could do nothing. It did not matter that Tammy’s kids were getting out of control. They knew their mom was having an affair, but like Cassie, they could not say anything. The whole family was miserable while Tammy was enjoying her ‘boy toy’. She was having fun at the family’s expense.

Cassie’s situation with her sister Tammy is not unusual. Many times, family members effectively black mail others with threats and secrets. Those burdened with such information often feel like they are being held hostage. They know the truth about what is really going on, but they can not say anything. At family get-togethers they have to put on a front and act like everything is fine, while they know how rotten the reality actually is.

By keeping the secret, she is miserable and it also passive condones the affair. Carrying on this double life is tearing Cassie apart, but she feels helpless to do anything about it.

Getting out of and past such situations requires telling the truth. It requires dealing with the truths about what is going on. The healing often does not start until the truth comes out. The truth would help Tammy and Cassie in each of their situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Those who have not been traumatized do not fully comprehend the struggle involved in such circumstances. They often want to yell and scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY NO?” or “WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THEM?”. Spouses quickly want to find who is to blame rather than focus on understanding the needs of their spouse and how such episodes set off triggers where past and present episodes blur.

If you find yourself faced with such a situation, you will need the help of a professional who has experience in dealing with such cases. The typical game of “pin the blame” on the cheater does not apply in this situation like it does in others. Many of the usual rules do not apply. In such situations the dynamics amount to a whole new set of ground rules or another dimension with the associated paradigm shift.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

You may want to consider the question even now. Once you decide what you are ‘here’ for, then you need to consider are you willing to do what it takes?

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

In such families, the fear often produces effects beyond what was expected. Rather than scaring the person into staying ‘in relationship’, it can have the opposite effect. The fear can drive them to seek comfort and love in the arms of another. In such families, the threat of divorce or physical hurt are common. After a while the threats loose their effectiveness. The terrorist then resorts to threatening them with community embarrassment or eternal damnation if they do not submit to their fearful ways. When fear dominates the relationship, there is often no room for love. What love survives, is often choked out by the repeated tantrums and threats. Each threat or scream crushes the love in the relationship a little bit more, until one day, there is nothing left. These relationships I call “Halloween Love”, since fear has been substituted for love and terror substituted for affection.

This Halloween shouldn’t you re-evaluate your relationship and remove any Halloween Love?

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

If you suspect that your spouse is fooling around, be aware of the name game and how it is often used to hide the true nature of what is going on.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Just what is”treachery?” Treachery is another word for ‘cheating’ or tricking. It was viewed as a violation of a allegiance or faith. It is a sad statement that many spouses honor their allegiance to the flag and nation more than they honor the allegiance they promised to their spouses.

How does one violate their faith? There are many ways.

1. Giving someone else your affections either emotional or physical).

2. Giving someone else your full attention.

3. Hiding secrets from your spouse

4. Making promises to others ahead of your spouse.

5. Treating your spouse like a child

6. Lying to your spouse

7. Hiding objects or things from your spouse.

8. Not defending yourself from the advances of others.

9. Not valuing your spouses trust.

10. Living your life as if you were single or assuming that it is “your life” and they have nothing to do with it. (e.g. living faithlessly)

11. Telling your spouses secrets to others.

These are just a few of the ways one can be treacherous with their spouse. Although the term treachery is not in common use these days, there are many things we can learn from it. In order to save, preserve or restore your marriage, it is essential that you do not deal treacherously with your spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

The suffocation occurs more often than people realize in relationships where there have been affairs. Such couples often go from one extreme to another. They go from ignoring their spouse, to the other extreme of being obsessed with them, to the point of suffocation. Both extremes are dangerous.

In your efforts at reconnecting with your spouse, you may be suffocating them. Some of the signs of emotional suffocation include:

1. Your spouse makes frequent references to ‘needing their space’.

2. You feel that you must always be physically near your spouse out of a fear of loosing them.

3.  You consistently send text messages to them throughout the day, day after day.

4. You are in danger of trouble at work due to being on the phone or cell phone with them all the time.

5. You never let your spouse call you or initiate contact with you.

6. You feel that you must know where your spouse is at all times, along with who they are with.

7. You find yourself doing things out of ‘fear’ rather than out of love.

8. When you can’t reach your spouse you call five or more of their friends or family members in an attempt to reach your spouse on a routine basis.

9. You drive by your spouses work place or residence several times a day.

10. You think in terms of he/she MUST do this because they are my spouse.

If you find yourself routinely doing several of these items, there may be some suffocation going on. You need to find a healthy amount of space in the relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Good communication will start with small talk. Small talk is often how people begin testing the water before moving on to larger items. When couples fail to have small talk or interrupt each other even in little things, such actions send a message that discussing more sensitive issues would be a mistake. The interaction between the two is not safe. When things are not safe, people shut down.

In working to repair your marriage learn how to take turns and improve your ability to engage in small talk. You will be surprised at where the small talk often leads. It was often small talk that led to the affair in the first place.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Jennifer then began to avoid him. He began stalking her by getting to know her friends, making malicious posts on social network sites and generally making her look like a slut. He often drove by her work place and home, he seemed to be everywhere.

Jennifer wanted him to go away, but did not want to draw any more attention to the situation. She felt trapped by him and his behavior.

Jennifer needed to say no. Do not return his text messages, do not return his e-mails, do not give him rides, do not go someplace and talk, … do not provide any openings for such people.

Situations like Jennifer’s happen quite often. Dealing with such situations requires strength and determination. It also requires firm boundaries. Although it was good of our parents to teach us to play nice, there are times, that one has to be firm, like this situation.  Some women just give into the threats hoping that it will shut the man up and make him leave them alone. It does not happen like that. Giving into them often emboldens them to be even more daring.

Dealing with stalkers is never easy, especially when they involve affair situations. In those situations, setting firm boundaries is essential.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah