I was going through a marathon intense interview process for my dream job.

Dream job in the fact that the moment I read the description from the posting (sent to me by network acquaintances) I literally swooned . . . this posting popped over two months ago . . . before I left my permanent job . . .I. WANTED. THIS. JOB.

This job has absolutely nothing to do with my recently acquired JD.  But still . . . my dream job . . . in interactive (a.k.a. social media) and online marketing.

I interviewed with no less than six people in the first three weeks . . . one of which reminded me of an Oatmeal post titled The Six Crappiest Interview Questions (I had no idea how to gauge how I did on that round . . . the questions were so random . . . I was actually asked in light of recent shootings how I felt about public defender funding. . . yes I get they were curious that I wanted a marketing position yet just earned a JD but still . . . WTH).

Apparently I handled those questions well because a couple of weeks later I went in to the final round . . .

After over six weeks I was nervous about this final interview because 1) I REALLY wanted this job and 2) If I didn’t get an offer I was going to be pissed because of the drawn out process which involved six rounds of interviews, ten interviewers and a few reschedules . . .

(Courtesy of http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/MjAxMi03M2JhMWFhMmU4YzBhOGY2)

Fortunately that scenario didn’t happen . . . less than three hours after leaving that final interview I got a call . . . before I could send out thank you’s . . . with an offer . . . a really really really good offer . . .

That was over two weeks ago and earlier this week (after background checks, onboarding paperwork, etc. I got my start date which is in a week).

And here is where I’m freaking out . . .

THIS. IS. MY. DREAM. JOB.

And it’s HUGE . . . like visibly huge.  I realize I’ve become a bit complacent (not necessarily a bad thing) over the years as being a small fish in a big pond . . . I was cool with that until my career hit a stall in promotions a few years back.

This job will make me a big fish. I’ll be a manager for a national brand . . . (just typing that made me pause to breathe into a paper bag).

I hit this realization over the last week when I started getting Twitter DM’s and LinkedIn messages from big local names in the marketing industry.  Apparently the word spread that I was hired for this position.

I’m excited and scared to death . . .I’ve barely slept over the past two weeks . . . I think I can do good things in this role . . . I’m just terrified of F’ing it up . . .

This anxiety and self-doubt comes from several years of internal rejections in my past company but I have to keep reminding myself that this is why I left that company a month and a half ago.  I can do this.  I’m excited . . . the attention I’ve gotten this past week however is making me freak a bit . . .

Fingers crossed . . . I’m just going to continue to breathe into that paper bag . . .

My apologies but you’ll understand as you read further . . .

So I graduated from law school a couple of months ago and a few weeks ago got my official degree and transcript (yay, I paid all my fees and had no library fines).

Finishing my final semester and dealing with family over graduation consumed a lot of my time.

I also made the decision that I was going to wait until February to take the bar exam. I WILL take the barzam but I have other areas in my life that need more focus.

And here is where I’m breaking my silence. My job. I’ve hinted in past posts that I’ve been frustrated in this area but I never fully revealed how volatile my situation was.

I made a decision to make a lateral move several months ago to another department in my company. It seemed like a good decision at the time.

It was a huge mistake.

In the first two months of joining this team, I watched my two immediate colleagues have breakdowns. One left the team earlier this year, the other left a month ago.

I couldn’t sleep, I was getting emails from management in this department from all hours (ten+ emails a few weeks ago between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and 2:00 a.m.).

I’ve lost 20 lbs. in the past few weeks from the stress. Don’t get me wrong, I need to lose weight . . . just not in this way . . .

A few weeks ago, I spent a weekend with a close friend and his partner (I needed a staycation) and my friend sat me down and said, “if you don’t get out, you will die . . . either emotionally or physically”.

The situation became so bad a couple of weeks ago that I knew I had to leave on my own terms or I would be leaving on theirs.

I called a friend (and former colleague) crying (something that I do on a regular basis since moving to this team). In less than ten hours I got a text from this friend that she could get me into her company on a temporary basis. The salary and benefits were good.

So I accepted and turned in my notice.

I shocked many colleagues with my sudden departure . . . but I had to leave for my own health and sanity.

I’m now in a temp position (which is going well) but for the first time in eight years, the future is uncertain.

I’m interviewing for permanent positions with other companies and I hope a few of them will garner an offer.

And for the first time in six months, I’m eating again, sleeping better and regaining my life . . .

Don’t get me wrong, the company I worked for is good, I just made the mistake of going to a department that was not the right fit.

While I’m worried about my uncertain future, I feel better then I have in a long time.

~ J

Today was particularly brutal on the work front.

The good news?  I have amazingly supportive friends . . .

They’ve got my back . . . even if it’s just to make me laugh for a moment . . .

Unlike October however, this time was different because one of my friends did not pass.  The February bar in MN has a significantly lower pass rate than the July and I’m confident that this friend will pass the July exam (should they choose to take the bar exam again).

But the news of this person not passing has had a huge impact on an issue I’ve been struggling with recently . . .

Should I take the bar exam?

I never planned to practice law, at least not in a firm environment.  I went to law school to get the education.  While I want to volunteer with non profit groups in specific areas such as child advocacy and domestic violence, I don’t necessarily need to be licensed to do this.

So the question on my mind this past month is, “why bother putting myself through 2 months of bar exam studying hell when I don’t need to take the bar exam?”

The only answer I have in the affirmative to this question is, “why did I put myself through law school hell for 4 years if I wasn’t going to see it all the way through?”

Part of me feels that I’m asking this question because of a deeper fear and realization . . .

I don’t think I will pass the bar exam.

I caught up with one of my favorite profs last week, I hadn’t had a chance to talk to her much this past year.  She asked me about my bar exam studying plan and asked if I was planning to work while studying.  I told her I had to because there’s no way I can afford two months without a paycheck and I need my health insurance for my son and I.  My prof got a look on her face that I didn’t interpret as positive, she took a deep breath and then carefully said . . .

“The people who fail the bar are the ones who work while studying for it . . . and if you have kids, that makes it even harder.”

This statement has caused me great anxiety over the past week and hearing about the friend who failed has caused even greater anxiety because my friend works full time, has a young child with their spouse and is just as busy as I am.

So I’m struggling with what I should do . . . I huge part of me wants to take the easy way out and see the rest of this semester through, graduate and go back to a normal life, one that allows me to go to sleep before 1:00 a.m. and allows me to just live . . . something I haven’t had over the past four years and I am so burnt out that I don’t know if I can commit to another two months of intense studying.

The smaller part of me fears that I’ll always regret not taking the bar exam . . . but I also don’t want to fail . . . which is a strong possibility given my limited time to study.

So what do I do?

The reality?  I let everything get in the way of putting myself first.

And by “First” I mean, eating healthy, sleeping, exercising, posting to this blog . . . etc.

Since my last post I’ve been completely consumed with work in the “new” (although not so new since I started at the end of December) department which has required tremendous more work; filling out my barzam app [ugh], finishing negotiations with the ex [more on this later] and trying to keep my head above water in school.

It’s been a struggle . . . which is an understatement . . .

On top of everything above . . . my mother required surgery last month to fix a broken ankle from last fall that wasn’t healing so I’ve been trying to help her and help with her dog (a spoiled dog but sweet little pup).

My son’s soccer program has gotten really busy too . . .

How do busy mothers do this?!  Please . . . .I beg you anyone reading this TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve had so many breakdowns over the last couple of weeks . . .

This surprises me, I thought last spring semester when I was taking five classes, trying to write my long paper, prepping for court against the ex and working would kill me.  The last two months have been an even greater challenge.

I’m slowly coming to grips with the fact that I put myself last . . . ALL the F&*#ing time.

Almost no one who is close to me (mainly family and various friends) ever ask me how I’m doing, they expect me to just call and tell them, but they rarely answer the phone and only send a text a few hours later that they’ll call me later.  And when the do call it’s because of what they’re going though.

I’m a sucker for helping others and I don’t regret being a good friend and being there but still . . .

Case in point, a couple of months ago I was taking my son to chess club one morning and when I stepped down from the step to the car (with my school backpack filled with casebooks, laptop, etc.) I experienced a wrenching pain in my left knee.  I have a high pain threshold, but the pain that I felt at that moment was excrutiating and I suffered for another four weeks before finally booking an appointment.

I prolonged the appointment because there was too much going on at work, home, school . . . my biggest fear was that I had torn something and would require surgery which is why I put it off; I didn’t want to hear I needed surgery.

I finally booked an appointment and discovered it was some weird hereditary condition that mimicked a torn knee tendon (which normally requires surgery).  I triggered the problem with my backpack weight when I stepped down from the stairs. . . the only thing is to do physical therapy for up to twelve weeks.

I got the diagnosis over four weeks ago and I haven’t had time to call for the physical therapy . . .

I could have been a third into the way of recovery but haven’t had time to make the call.

Why is it always easy to put yourself off even though you need to put yourself first?!

The past month was HELL for me.  While I’m not immune to being overwhelmed and swamped, I can honestly say I have never been this tested before.  I’m actually surprised that I am still alive to write this post.

My new job just about killed me last month.  To be fair, my new boss and coworkers warned me that I was starting during the department’s busiest month . . .

They weren’t kidding.

For the past several weeks I have been working until 1:00 and 2:00 in the morning, responding to a flurry of emails and late phone calls.

As a result, I am super far behind in my school work, I barely made it to class, much less did the readings and other assignments.  Thank goodness I go on spring break next week, I’m going to need to use that time to just try to catch up.

Things began to slow down at work last week which was a blessing, but unfortunately my body decided it had enough of the 3-4 hour per night sleep regimen and I am now on the tail end of a horrible cold.  I couldn’t take any time off to stay home and sleep either because there were too many things that needed to be done between work and school.

I have no idea how working women do this . . . how they can be successful in a career while raising fabulous kids, make home cooked meals and stay involved in various activities such as working out, etc.

I actually got a reprimand from my son’s teacher the other week because I had forgotten to clear out papers from his daily take home folder one night . . .

Give a girl a break!

I realize I’m rambling here, but I’m exhausted and slightly delirious.

I plan to post again much more quickly and stop this huge lapse . . . just need to kick this cold and hopefully make some progress on catching up with school . . .

Yeah right . . .

This word essentially describes my first week of my LAST (sorry this requires ALL CAPS) semester of law school.

Law students who don’t  know me but witnessed me stumble around campus this past week would have thought it was my first week of law school and not the first week of my LAST (I can’t stress this point enough) semester.

It started on the first day (did I mention this is my LAST semester of law school?)  last Monday when I left work early so I could buy a specific book for one of my classes that wasn’t available until late the week before and instead of buying it at the bookstore on campus, I had to go to a classroom/office that is only open until five on weekdays (um hello, evening section . . . why is the book only available right before class and during hours that evening people work?!)

So I got the book and then received an email thirty minutes later that I had left my wallet in the office/classroom??!!  I never forget my wallet, and didn’t even realize it was missing . . . total fail on my part.

So I went back down to the office to retrieve my wallet and thanked the admin profusely for letting me know that [apparently] my head is up somewhere south . . .

Then I went to my first class . . . only to realize five minutes before that my first class was actually the second class I had that evening; I had mixed up my two classes!

On a side note (and most likely more on this later, I really think I’m going to hate my Immigration Law class) . . . but I digress . . . in any event, my “space cadet” mindset continued throughout the week.

To my credit, I’m still suffering through “negotiations” with the ex to see if we can avoid the trial in a few weeks.  But this is slowly becoming an effort in futility with the ex’s attorney accusing me of “stringing him and his client along” . . .

The four-letter words that entered my head upon receiving his letter would make a sailor blush . . . um . . . how am I the one stalling when his client [ex] said he would agree to certain terms over a month ago but over the past several weeks won’t give a straight answer?!

Additionally, my nephew decided to arrive this past week two months early (the little peanut is doing great, and should come home from the hospital in the next month), but this just added to the chaos . . .

By Thursday, as I headed into my last class of the week, I realized I had no idea what room I was in.  I had received an email the day before that the classroom location had changed but for some reason, I couldn’t find the email.  I recalled that it was on the second floor but that could be any number of rooms.  So I ended up stalking the classrooms three minutes before my class was to start.  I was peeking in door windows hoping to see people with the same assigned book as me . . .

“What the hell are you doing Jenny?!”

Yeah . . . I got busted by one of my good friends who was on break from another class.  I explained my dilemma to him and he rolled his eyes and laughed.  I can’t entirely fault this friend on his reaction.

Thank goodness I didn’t have class today because of the MLK holiday, I probably needed this day off to focus.

I’m just hoping that week two and the rest of the semester goes better . . .

So normally I come up with lofty goals for the new year (win the lottery) and create these over ambitious resolutions (lose 30 pounds and look like Kate Winslet) . . . not this time.

2012 is just another year, another continuance of my life and while I typically vow to eat healthier (let’s ignore the fact that I ate my weight in leftover holiday party mix an hour ago), exercise more (to my credit I refused the elevator and walked up five flights of stairs earlier today at the local science museum), save money, spend less . . . spend more time on “me” . . . etc., etc.

The truth is most of my past resolutions are goals that are ongoing self-improvement . . . I constantly strive for them and while I sometimes fail . . . they’re the types of goals that don’t need a new year to suddenly be declared.  I’m mindful of them and continue to work towards them regardless of the new year holiday.

Realistically??  There’s only one goal I have this year . . .

This goal [surprisingly] does not involve my court battle with the ex, which honestly should probably be added to the constant goals since we’re going on two years of litigation . . . but I digress . . .

My one goal for 2012 is to pass the bar exam.

Of course, before I can even try for this goal I need to graduate from law school and fill out and meet the requirements of the monster application process (can’t wait to explain my two years of litigation with the ex on that one) but those are just details . . .

The truth is I’m really scared I’m not going to pass.  The pass rate in my state is high (as in 93-98% for the past few years) but that’s no guarantee that I’ll be successfull, I’ll be trying to study while working full-time, parenting my son full-time . . . and I’ll be honest, I lack in discipline when it comes to studying.

So that’s it . . . my only 2012 resolution . . .

Well there is one other resolution, in my “silly category”, that’s to drink better beer.  It looks weird when I type this just as weird as it sounds when I told a few people the other week but that’s the truth.  I don’t go out much and when I do I always order Miller Lite which has caused me much grief from friends and family.  I’m constantly reminded that I graduated from college years ago, have a professional job and am in a graduate program, so why do I still drink the swill?

So my secondary resolution is to try better beer when I go out, I even downloaded an app to help me . . . based on my Miller Lite palette the only recommendation this app is giving me is Michelob Ultra . . . I think I’ll need to rely on friends for recommendations on this one . . .

And to help me with my ongoing goals, I got this 2012 calendar . . .

Happy 2012!

For the past couple of years fall finals have ended only a day or two before the holidays and while I finally figured out last year that holiday shopping needs to be done online because there is no way in hell I can shop for everyone on my list at actual stores with this schedule, I still found myself rushing Friday evening and Saturday morning.

Another drawback to the fall final schedule is that it allows for no recovery time from final exams before being thrown into hectic days of spending quality time with relatives.  I have so much cleaning and laundry to do right now I could cry.

I’m so “peopled out” right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and enjoyed the time spent with them these past few days especially getting to see my little nephew who turned two last month (watching him and my son horse around and play together was one of the major highlights) but I’m so exhausted I’m seriously tempted to go to bed after finishing this post (it’s only 7:30 right now).

Despite the fact that I went to bed early (for me) last night, I struggled to get out of bed for work this morning when my alarm went off.

My exhaustion is also most likely the result of starting my new job last week.  After almost five years of working in the same position, I completely forgot how confusing and frustrating it is to start in a new role . . . getting my work station set up, meeting new people, trying to figure out what the heck I’m supposed to be doing . . .  I feel like I’m not bringing any value right now because I’m still learning the ropes and that frustrates me to no end.

Also . . . my trial was continued (again) to mid February . . . I just found that out today.  My attorney thinks it’s a good idea because we’re still trying to finalize an agreement (and avoid the trial) and this gives us more time . . .

My problem with all of this?  No matter how cooperative my ex’s attorney seems to be, I know in my heart the ex won’t agree and I refuse to concede anymore than I already have in these negotiations.

My attorney is optimistic but I’ve dealt with my ex for over a decade so I disagree . . .

My attorney thinks this will save me money, but again if we go to trial (which I’m almost certain we will) this continuance will cost me even more money.

Uggghhhh . . .

Am I old if I go to bed at 8:00 p.m. tonight? 

zzzzzzzz……………………….

But who’s counting?

I am.

Since finally getting a trial date a few weeks ago, my atty reached out to the ex’s atty to negotiate an agreement on some of the issues prior to this trial and unlike the last atty my ex hired, this atty is polite, respectful, and responsive.

Which brings me to last week.  Following a call with the ex’s atty earlier in the week, my atty contacted me and we had a frank discussion on what I should do. 

Reaching a settlement made a lot of sense financially and to be quite frank, most of my retainer is gone and my atty hasn’t even filed anything (I drafted, filed, and served the contempt charges on my own).

I gave my atty my priorities and reiterated what I was willing to concede.  I agreed to the proposed concessions and both attys were to have a call late last week after my ex’s atty had spoken to him. 

While I won’t (for obvious reasons) give the details of these discussion, I will say that the follow-up call with my atty late last week was not encouraging.  And again, without going into details it sounds like my ex will be pro se again.

And here’s where the waiting game begins . . . again . . .

I will find out in the next forty-eight hours whether or not we have an agreement and/or whether or not my ex will be pro se . . .

If he is, most likely we’ll have another continuance . . .

Words cannot begin to describe how frustrated, discouraged, and upset I am about all of this.