Surviving Oz

Death to Sam

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Thu, 31 May 2012 03:13:00 +0000

So I started a new job on Monday. Go me! Not only is it a kickass role, but I get to talk to grown-ups, have regular lunch breaks, and use the bathroom by myself. This awesomeness occurs three days a week, which means I still get to spend the other two hanging with my two best dudes.

Anyway, this - plus rapidly approaching final exams - have prevented me from bringing you another episode of Spot: More Than Meets the Eye. Before, I thought their nudity was just an amusing quirk, but now a far more sinister side of the family has been revealed...ATTEMPTED MURDER. (Cue the dun dun DUNNNNN!)

Btw, before we get started, does anyone else think it's weird that the only pets in these stories are cats? All of the other animals are anthropomorphized. Eric Hill must regard cats as mentally deficient. Or slaves.

Totally different book to the rest of this post, btw. Just happens to also mention cake baking.

Anyway - the book starts out innocently enough, with Spot suggesting that they bake a cake for his father's birthday:

Aww. Bonding through cookery. Cute!

Sally agrees, which at first seems like a pleasant way to spend time with her son. Then they hit the grocery store, and her true intentions are revealed:

WTF, Sally?

YES. Sally is making Sam a chocolate cake. This is a family of dogs. Clearly she is trying to poison her husband.

Sally then cheerfully tricks her son into aiding and abetting by getting him to help make the deadly dessert:

"WE"? Way to keep your paws clean, Sal.

She continues to psychologically groom her son through the rest of the baking and decorating:

"Nice surprise"? SURE IT WILL BE.

And in the end, she even brainwashes poor Spot into taking most of the credit for his father's inevitable death:

Mmmm. Poison.

Note that Sam is the only dog who is actually eating the cake? Guess Sally didn't want her fall-pup to keel over and leave her holding the bag.

I love these books. After reading them five million times, they are truly the gift that keeps on giving.

The Castle

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Sun, 27 May 2012 04:22:00 +0000

While tooling around in the backyard today, I noticed that one of my neighbors has a castle turret on the back of their house:

Best shot I could get, sorry.

How awesome is that?!? From the street, their house is very normal - it's all business in the front, medieval fortress in the back. I may need to get to know these people.

Three things

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Tue, 22 May 2012 04:48:00 +0000

Little free libraries! Look! Look at the cuteness!

This piece is fascinating, even if you have no interest in wine. (Allow me to lure you in with a snippet: "Rare-wine collectors are savvy, competitive guys with a taste for impossible finds. The biggest hoax in history took place right under their noses.")

I would totally eat all of these dishes. Including the live shrimp.

This is my new favorite thing in the world

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Mon, 14 May 2012 10:15:00 +0000

{Type Connection}

That is all.

Essay due in two days

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Wed, 09 May 2012 10:21:00 +0000

So naturally I'm browsing through old folders of photos, and finding shots I'd forgotten I'd even taken - like so:

P.S. Why yes, Project 365 DID go up in flames the moment the new semester started. Didn't even make it into February this year. Go me!

The Pirates turn two

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Thu, 03 May 2012 23:50:00 +0000

Yeah I know, the birthday trip to the zoo trip was two weeks ago and I'm only just now posting photos. This is why I'll never be a mommy blogger. Well, this and the fact that all my photos are blah since I was too busy holding up the boys so they could see instead of taking pictures. Anyway - on with the photos!

For my Dad, who complains I don't appear in many photos.

This may be my new favorite photo of the three men in my life.

They kept yelling "Yee-haw!" while riding the baby rhino statue. Alrighty, then!

Me: Hey look boys - an elephant!

Pirates: Sticks! Rocks! BIG sticks!

Priorities, man. Priorities.

There's a tiger in this photo, I swear. And no, that's not a nickname for Ben.

When your child falls alseep within two minutes of getting in the car for the return drive home, you know it's been a successful trip.

Yup, that's right. No DVD player in the car. We make 'em read books for entertainment. We're THOSE parents.

It was gift time when we got home:

I wanted to get them toy zoo animals, but all the store had was dinosaurs and farm animals. So they have a prehistoric farmyard zoo.

Zoo themed Duplo. See that car on the box? It has been the source of more fighting than almost any other toy they own. Also, yes those ARE new pajamas scattered all over the floor. Lame, but they were totally stoked (Will tried to undress so he could put them on right away).

Due to technical difficulties, we didn't have a cake until the next day - just makes the fun last longer, right?

Yup, they shared a cake again this year. They'll start getting separate ones next year, when they're old enough to say what they want (this year they got The World's Best Banana Cake).

Mmmmm. Cake.

Caaaaaaaaaaake!

Only 11.5 months until we do it all again!

Three things

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Wed, 02 May 2012 03:24:00 +0000

Have you seen this bathroom? Can you imagine staggering in there every morning? I'm not afraid of heights, but still... *faints*

We've started watching Sherlock (BBC). I was a bit suspicious about how well it would translate to a modern setting, but it's surprisingly awesome! Also awesome: the black shooting jacket that Watson wears - which, sadly, is no longer for sale (and cost £725 when it was, so it's not like Ben was going to get it anyway):

Is this Tolkien luggage tag a little too on the nose? Regardless, I kinda want it anyway:

Four years

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Tue, 01 May 2012 13:06:00 +0000

Today was our four year wedding anniversary, and while we agreed not to do gifts this year, I still brainstormed a bit to come up with the perfect Ben Meal for dinner.

I started with this:

I am now master of the bacon weave.

Which turned into this:

The infamous bacon placemat.

And was topped with this:

Bacon-wrapped steak and chunky steak fries (he's not a baked/mashed kind of guy).

Lest you think it was all carbs and meat, there were tomatoes on hand:

And a shitload of sliced mozzarella, but that's beside the point.

My dear friend Jaime recommended that I give these Gooey Chocolate Cakes a try for dessert, swearing that even someone as legendarily baking-challenged as I am would be able to make them. I was stoked when they came out looking so pretty:

I just dropped a few plain chocolate chips on the tops, since I was too lazy to finely chop the chocolate.
This kind of wishy washy attitude towards baking instructions just might be the root of my problems...

But when I cut it open for the gooey center money shot - cue the "wah wah waaaaaaaah" trombone:

The half-assed focus here could use a little "wah wah waaaaaaaah" of it's own.

Australian muffin tins are more shallow than American ones and I ended up making nine cakes instead of six. Since I hadn't reduced the baking time to adjust for that, my gooey centers were just regular cakey centers. Oh well. They still tasted good, especially with caramel ice cream and frozen raspberries!

Yup, I still love this photo.

Happy anniversary, hon. I love you.

Outtake

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 11:04:00 +0000

So I'm (finally) editing some photos from the Pirates' birthday. A disturbing number of shots are variations on this:

Mama's little chaos monkeys!

Now we are two

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Sat, 21 Apr 2012 10:11:00 +0000

Today we pretended the Pirates were safari explorers and took them to the zoo for their birthday:

That's Will posing cutely in the back, and Dash waving a stick around in the front.

It's hard to believe my little guys are two years old!

Two tomorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 04:03:00 +0000

This is officially the last day that the Pirates are one year old.

Guess which son is the daredevil in the family? I swear I spend half my time yelling, "Chairs are for sitting!"

We're heading to the zoo for their second birthday tomorrow - just the four of us checking out a whole lot of animals, which I'm stupidly excited about.

Dash's patented "Bitch, please" face.

Everyone says that you won't believe how fast your children grow up - that it seems like only yesterday they were tiny newborn babies - and this is often true.

Gotta love that baby vampire look that canines give toothy little kids.

On the other hand, when half your photos look like this, sometimes you kinda hope the days pass even faster.

Why yes, I DID just sit there and take a photo while they tried to kill each other. Mother of the Year, right here.

It's a good thing they're cute, eh?

New glasses

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 02:55:00 +0000

I was trying for sexy librarian chic.

Hopefully I didn't stall out at geeky bookworm wannabe.

Big Mama

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 10:26:00 +0000

The Pirates' favorite word at the moment is "big". Everything is big, whether it really is or not.

Big airplane.

Big tractor.

Big pillow.

Big banana.

Big toothbrush.

Big ant.

Big Mama.

Thanks a lot, kids.

A few things

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 12:02:00 +0000

Have you seen this birthday calendar for fictional characters? Ernie (of Sesame Street fame) and I share a birthday. This is AWESOME.

Repeat after me: I do not need a $248 quilt. Even though it would look awesome in our new bedroom. But still. Do not need.

Have you seen this time-lapse composite of the views in Rear Window? Super cool.

It says a lot about my nerdy tendencies that I would totally use this glass half pint milk carton. I mean come on - how cool is that?! (Also-but-not-quite-as-cool: this sundial ring. Who needs modern technology when you have the mighty power of the sun! Also-also: what did we do before thinkgeek?)

How I Spent My Easter Vacation

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 10:25:00 +0000

One word: moving.

After seven months in The Shoebox, we finally moved to a much better (and significantly larger) house in a nicer part of town. Goodbye, horrible little hovel with a freakish number of spiders! Farewell, kitchen with no wall cupboards! Adios, hideous carpet with Bonus Mystery Stains! Sayonara, lack of heating and air conditioning! Auf wiedersehen, bedroom closets with doors that stuck so badly we had to remove them! Au revoir, backyard with seven million generations of dead bindi weeds!

The good thing about moving over Easter is that you have a nice long weekend to get everything done. The bad thing is that everyone you know leaves town, which means that you pack the kids off to their grandparents, and then spend two days shifting the contents of an entire house with just two people. Thankfully, our marriage (and our backs) survived and now we're 99% unpacked and have interwebs again.

Photos to come!

Ten

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Mon, 02 Apr 2012 00:12:00 +0000

As of today, I've been in Australia for ten years.

Ten. YEARS!

Over those years, I met and married him:

My favorite photo of us at our wedding, largely because we look so dorky. In art as in life, eh?

And got this:

My awesomeness was too much for just one country to contain.

And survived four of these:

I think I'm getting PTSD just looking at this.

And saw lots of these:

I'm getting twitchy just looking at this. No lie. Effer was HUGE.

And had them:

Who wouldn't love Pirates in an ice cooler?

And ate lots of these:

The s'more, I mean. Not the fingers. This is Australia, not a Donner Party reunion.

And saw them:

By far the highlight of my year. Apparently I'm easily pleased by kitsch.

I can't help but wonder if there are another ten years of Elvises in my future. Bring it on, Australia!

No time for a real post

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 12:07:00 +0000

Three assignments due and we're packing our stuff to move into a new (much better, yay!) house over Easter. However, I would be remiss if I didn't pass on this little gem of the interwebs: Cat Scientists of the 1960s

You're welcome.

Random bits

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:56:00 +0000

Super interesting article (really!) about cookbook ghostwriting.

Lately I've been giving the Pirates horsey rides up and down the hall. Will neighs like a horse when he is on the ground (following me on all fours) but when he's on my back he moos, insisting I'm a cow. I'm not sure if I should be offended.

Here's what happens when a 35-year-old man retakes the SATs on a dare.

By a sheer miracle (and Ben's parents graciously watching the boys), we went to see a movie over the weekend for the first time in...I don't actually know how long. When did Toy Story 3 come out? Naturally, we saw The Hunger Games. Awesomesauce.

As a child, I was - and still am - a huge fairytale fan. The Princess on the Glass Hill was always my favorite, and it's odd to me that so few people are familiar with it. Anyway, you might be able to imagine how stoked I was to find out that 500 new fairytales have been discovered in Germany!

Right now

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 11:28:00 +0000

I look like this...

[drawing by Allie - anyone know when her book is coming out, by the way?]

..thanks to the group assignment my professor cruelly gave us this semester.

I may actually murder someone in a righteous rage before this is over.

Still here

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 10:08:00 +0000

School assignments.

Sick kid.

Piles of laundry that make my living room look like something out of Hoarders.

The usual.

Headline

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 02:37:00 +0000

For everyone freaked out by Australian spiders (which is basically anyone in their right mind), here's a special news headline: Thousands of Spiders Blanket Australian Farm After Escaping Flood.

See all that snow on the ground? Yeah. It's actually SPIDERWEBS.

[photo: Daniel Munoz/Reuters]

This is happening a mere 3.5 hour drive from my house, by the way.

Effing spiders, man.

P.S. If you're a real glutton for punishment, there are additional photos here. *shudder*

Destroying the planet, one load of laundry at a time

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:36:00 +0000

This morning I accidentally locked one of our cats in our bedroom. Naturally, he retaliated by leaving a massive pile of cat crap on the bed, and cleverly walking while he pooed in order to deposit a sizeable amount on my pajamas as well.

The cat and I were both disgruntled, but agreed to move past our feelings and cope with the fallout - him by stalking butterflies outside, and me by immediately stripping all linens within a 20 foot radius and washing them. Unfortunately, that's also when I realized we were out of laundry detergent.

I drove to the store and stalked down the aisles, thinking nasty thoughts about cats who elect to crap on beds instead of politely offering a civilized meow to let someone know they were trapped in a room. And then I saw it: the Super Amazing Awesome Environmentally Friendly Laundry Detergent, guaranteed not to harm any whales or soybeans or what have you, on sale for half price.

I try to use green methods to clean most of the house (lots of vinegar and baking soda, that sort of thing), but when it comes to laundry detergent I let my wallet get the best of me and buy a cheaper, less eco-friendly product. But today the sale price - and the warm glow accompanying my decision to be A Friend of Nature - lured me in, and I proudly marched a box down to the cashier.

When I arrived home, I sauntered to the washing machine, still aglow with warm thoughts of my environmental friendliness. Statues would doubtlessly be erected in my honor for my war on pollution. I popped open the box and shook it around a little, idly looking for the measuring cup that would help me dispense the powdered wonder I held in my hands. When it didn't seem likely to rise to the surface, I shook the box a little more vigorously until a teensy weensy phrase on the side of the packaging caught my eye, telling me that measuring cups were for wasteful, planet destroying bastards and therefore not included. I was a trifle miffed but could concede their point, and thus I scooped the correct amount of detergent into the dispenser with a tablespoon and went on my eco-friendly way.

An hour or so later, I unloaded the finished washer and popped open the dispenser to fill it up for a second load. And there it was. The Super Awesome Planet Friendly Soap. Still in the dispenser. Puzzled, I poked it with a finger, only to discover it had hardened into a soapy cement. Cursing, I spent five minutes chipping it out before reexamining the directions on the box. Aha - for front loaders, they recommended measuring the soap into the dispenser, then pouring half a cup of hot water onto it to help it dissolve. Mildly annoying, but I can live with an extra step if it means continually basking in the glow of my green powered awesomeness.

I obediently followed the directions, only to discover that the detergent took on its cement-like qualities the instant it was touched by the water, making it pointless to even start the machine. Cue round two of chipping. By this time I was thoroughly aggravated, but my resolve had hardened into a vicious determination to win against The Eco-Friendly Soap From Hell and I wasn't giving up.

For round three, I dug around in the kitchen until I found a small plastic container I didn't mind sacrificing to the cause, then measured out the detergent and poured in some boiling water, giving it a bit of a swirl to kick off the dissolving process. This mostly worked, but I noticed some of the detergent was stuck to the bottom of the cup. And then, because I am The World's Biggest Idiot in addition to being A Friend of Nature, I absentmindedly stuck my finger in the cup to swish the detergent around.

Here's a little tip for those of you playing at home: don't put your finger in a cup of recently boiled water. Not good.

Still, I had finally dissolved the detergent and was damn well going to use it, so muttering pirate-themed curses under my breath and gingerly holding out my scalded finger, I poured the goo into the dispenser. Success was mine! Almost, anyway. The detergent had started separating almost the minute I stopped swirling, and the thicker parts clung to the dispenser, inviting yet another round of chipping fun.

And this is why I will continue using Satan's Laundry Detergent of Environmental Evilness, and the planet can suck it.

The end.

Five things

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 12:00:00 +0000

It's been raining for the past four days, which means I chucked my "no TV before 2 years old" rule out the window and entertained the Pirates with Sesame Street clips on YouTube. It is truly frightening how fast a toddler who barely speaks 30 words can learn to say "Elmo".

Speaking of vocabularies, I know approximately 50,045 words. At least, that's what Word Dynamo says.

If you enjoy Parks and Rec, you might like this Ron Swanson children's book cover, ala Dr Seuss. I want some bacon now.

Also on my want list: visiting the 20 most beautiful bookstores in the world. That converted cinema in Argentina is AMAZING, and I'm hitting up The Last Bookstore the next time we go to LA for sure.

It's only a week and a half into the new semester and I already need more procrastination aids. Hit me up with things to read/watch/make/eat below!

Let sleeping toddlers lie

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 09:39:00 +0000

Especially when they're this cute:

Or this weird:

For those keeping score at home, Will is using his stuffed beagle as a pillow, his pillow as a blanket, and his blanket as extra mattress padding.

Parenthood

noreply@blogger.com (Lisa in Oz) — Thu, 23 Feb 2012 21:24:00 +0000

You know you're a parent when having your toddler stuff a handful of raisins down your buttcrack is an unremarkable event.

That is all.