Surviving the (Parenting) Apocalypse

Kids just don't understand

2012-04-25T05:42:00.000-07:00

You know what would be good for kids these days? No more TV. And to smile more. And also to start an exercise regime at around 4 years old. That's my new goal. Also to save the world at some point. But I'm going to start with the smiling thing.

New Rear Goggles Cartoon - George goes white - http://reargoggles.blogspot.com/#!/2012/04/george-looks-cheeky.html

New Apocalyptic Dad Brant - kids these days are going to hell in a handbasket - you know the cliche

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/kids-these-days-2/

update - spring break 2012

2012-04-17T05:11:00.000-07:00

Well, Lewie's vaca is now over, and it's back to work! New Blog on all the fun being had at DIRTY THIRTY here http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/spring-is-sprung/

And check back soon for more BIKINI BARISTA - Chapter 3 should be freshly pressed this weekend (here's chapters 1 and 2 - for those of you who missed it!) http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/novel-bikini-barista/

Update march 28

2012-03-28T06:04:00.000-07:00

http://reargoggles.blogspot.com/2012/03/medusa.html#!/

New Rear Goggles! Kids Drawings Reborn! I love my kids drawing so much, I like to make cartoons out of them. Is that wrong? If it is, I don't wanna be right!

Also new blog at apocalypticdad.com on Testies!

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/03/28/testy/

Update march 13

2012-03-13T04:43:00.000-07:00

Read this! It will make you grow hair on your chest. And possibly your ears.

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/drawings-by-my-5-year-old/

Because my kids can beat up your kids' stepmom.

Blogs and Bikinis

2012-03-08T04:38:00.000-08:00

New Blog about Bikini Baristas, just in time to debut my first chapter of "Bikini Barista" - the novel about a young bikini coffee girl trying to get by.

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/03/08/bikini-barista-beauty/

And check out the new www.reargoggles.com as well!

Update march 7

2012-03-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

Lewie S. is back at it again - new rear goggles: Found object porn - it's really everywhere, if your mind is perverted enough to see it.

http://reargoggles.blogspot.com/2012/03/rear-goggles.html#!/2012/03/rear-goggles.html

New blog too

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/the-snooze/

Sorry for the Delay

2012-03-06T04:58:00.000-08:00

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/03/06/been-sick/

Been Sick lately. Even the mighty are brought low by bacteria.

Happy March everyone.

Update march 2

2012-03-02T05:53:00.001-08:00

Check out new Lewie S. updates on apocalypticdad.com and reargoggles.com - vacations, vagina's and cubist penises - oh my!

http://tinyurl.com/apocawvaca

http://tinyurl.com/reargogpica

New Sickies Blog - NEW NEW NEW

2012-02-21T06:55:00.000-08:00

There are three forms of kid sickness I’ve dealt with.

There’s the classic fever.

Second, there’s the stomach flu.

The third is the mild cold.

Learn all about them at http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/sickies

Rear Goggles - Update

2012-02-16T05:20:00.000-08:00

check out some new rear goggles cartoons - views from a complete ass. See Teddy Roosevelt in a shower adventure!

www.reargoggles.com

http://reargoggles.blogspot.com/#!/2012/02/high-one.html

and don't forget http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/pricks/
all about how apocalyptic dad is kindof a jerk. Or a prick.

Love

2012-02-15T05:44:00.000-08:00

What is love?

Popping the pimple I can't reach.
Putting in the suppository when she's pregnant and can't reach.
Grabbing the chips when I don't want to reach.

Love is reaching for you.

Valentines insight at http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/valentine/

Gotta change your mind

2012-02-08T05:35:00.000-08:00

What am I saying? You can't MAKE anyone change their mind. You can only build capacity in their mind for changes in thinking.

Kids are the same way. I used to think I could FORCE my kids to think my way. That was until I had pre teen girls. Now I know that you have to just hint it. Then a few days later, mention it. Then put someone down who isn't doing it. Then write it on a note and accidentally leave it somewhere.

Then, if you're lucky, they'll mention that they think that way at the dinner table. Mission accomplished.

Tomorrow, I'm going to mention that I think girls who date guys before they're 18 are a disappointment to their father. Wish me luck.

http://wordpress.apocalypticdad.com/02/08/2012/change-minds-change-worlds

Writing

2012-02-03T04:50:00.000-08:00

Being a writer is hard. So hard. Hard like ditch digger hard. Or almost.

www.apocalypticdad.com

www.reargoggles.com

www.google.com (just in case)

Update!

2012-02-02T06:32:00.000-08:00

Why do cats have to look so creepy? Why do we keep them around at all? Why do they have to have sex outside my house?

new blog - http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/cats-are-mating-outside-my-door/

Fearless

2012-02-01T04:52:00.000-08:00

New post at apocalypticdad.com about boys and their fearless attitude. I've got a fearless attitude too. I'm not afraid of my wife. On weekends. Sometimes.

Speaking of weekends - very productive one! Stay tuned for some new Bikini Barista pages!

Update - MTV style

2012-01-31T04:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.mtv.com/shows/caged/series.jhtml

I would never suggest anyone watch an MTV show. But I have a few thoughts on the assinine nature of the kids on these shows. Plus, there's some fighting too.

http://apocalypticdad.wordpress.com/2012/01/31/handle-your-business/

Welcome to Lewie's House

2012-01-27T05:06:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Lewis Summer dot com, where the wine is always flowing and the women are slightly disgusted with you.

Check out http://www.reargoggles.blogspot.com for a newly created cartoon - God's from Asgard don't always seem to fit in at strip clubs.

www.apocalypticdad.com has some great ideas about how to get rid of back pain.

And as always, check out www.google.com to find pictures of naked ladies.

Catch you on the flip side! (that's said sardonically, not sincerely)

Jan 24 Update

2012-01-24T05:22:00.000-08:00

Check out new blog posts on Apocalypticdad.com and reargoggles - the musings from a complete ass. As always, watch for new chapters each week at apocalyptic dad's brant, and watch for Lewie to be featured on Good Morning America (it could happen).

Lewie's Low Hangers

2011-10-05T05:31:00.001-07:00

New Rear Goggles Cartoon - Update your wallpapers with cartoon penises! http://tinyurl.com/apocaw1

Emotikid - Forlorn

2011-08-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

Tears of a Clown

Emotikid - Excitement

2011-08-29T05:20:00.000-07:00

Emoti-KID: Crazy

2011-08-19T04:47:00.000-07:00

Have you ever faced down a charging rhino? Or a Gorilla in a rage? That's something akin to a kid when he's in crazy mode. They're like hopped up mental patients. And the inmates are rioting. The best thing is to step aside. And let mom handle it. That's the Apocalyptic dad way.
(while you're at it, check out some Apoca-wear at http://www.zazzle.com/ (go directly to my store here.)

Emoti-KID: Cool

2011-08-18T08:41:00.000-07:00

Nothing makes a guy feel more like Brando in "The Wild One" than a motorcycle. There's something about the freedom of it. It's just badass.

My kids feel the same way about their bikes. Nothing cooler than riding your tricycle when you're 3. Unless you're Apocalyptic Dad, and then it's going to www.Apocalypticdad.com and checking out the stories page. I'm just saying.

Emoti-KID: Happy

2011-08-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

In our increasingly digitized world - and our increasingly techlogical human interaction - I thought it might be easier to chronicle my families Apocalyptic Dad-style renaissance of the soul (i.e. - doing what we want, and sucking the marrow out of life. And Chicken bones) if I just digitized the kids to show everyone what emotion they were feeling at the time. It's not an emoticon. It's an emotikid. See? He's happy. (That was the fourth of July. He'd better be happy, I spent $8.00 on fireworks.)
Actually, in an increasinly Apoca-dad move, I made the kids buy their own fireworks with their $5.00 monthly paycheck. Score one for the good guys!

2011-07-19T06:18:00.001-07:00

The "throw 'em in and let'm swim method"
It's kindof a cliche', but I think it might actually work. You see it in movies a lot, and usually it's a dad who's unsympathetic who, as an anectode to how mean he was, taught his kids how to swim by throwing them in the deep end.
Now, I think it depends on the base knowledge you give them...in other words - don't throw your 3 year old in the deep end without telling him anything beforehand. This will end badly, with probably emotional scarring. That kid will be afraid to go in the water like he just saw "Jaws."
To rewind, we dont' have a pool. So my kids get to swim maybe 6-7 times a summer, on the infrequent visit to the pool or the aunt and uncles house. So they learn to swim slowly, in increments. My five year old, last year, just started to learn, and could maybe barely dog paddle. This year he was working on it, but was close to ending the year about where he started. He didn't want to practice, and was very afraid to go near the deep end.
Now, yesterday he tells me he wants to jump off the diving board.
Why the sudden acceleration in the schedule? I finally just threw him in.
He was saying over and over that he didn't want to go in the deep end and didn't want to practice swimming. I wanted to show him he could survive if he did go in, so I walked him over to the deep end (with him crying the whole time - I'm sure the mothers and grandmothers thought I was a total train wreck of a father (an apocalyptic dad?) - but that's okay. He protested, but I threw him in.
He sputtered and floundered, but he knew how to keep afloat and he paddled over to the side.
Praise, praise, praise! Okay, now you can play.
Next time, same thing, but farther.
Third time I made him swim to the OTHER side of the pool. And suddenly (with a little reminding) the dog paddle strokes turned into longer reaches and smiles, and now he goes down the slides into the deep end upside down and backwards.
Take that, disapproving lady who gave me an evil glance. It worked afterall.