Surviving the Economic Meltdown

Neologisms to Dover (debate over)

2011-09-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

In our beautiful language the neologism (a new word – sometimes a compound mix of two words and now entering everyday use) is becoming more and more common.

(Mommon?)

That said, in psychiatry, a neologism tends to be a word which has meaning only for a person who uses it; as maybe a child would.

In literary history the neologism probably dates from the seventeenth or eighteenth century and there are now many neologisms we use every day including prequel, internet, band-aid, photoshop, befriend, blogger, as well as some others less common but nonetheless cute….fauxtography (photographic error), singlism (the state of being single for a long time) and a BBC favorite of mine smirt (to flirt with a colleague while smoking outside the office!).

I’ve been noting a lot lately how everyone’s been making up their own words and so I couldn’t resist creating a few of my own and I invite you to do same. I mean, we couldn’t do worse than CNN did with their neologism for Precipitation Forecast – Precipcast…sheesh!

Who was that fricken genius?

Churfer	Channel surfer
Omlettised	To be well beaten
Memote Control	It’s mine!
Faptop	Laptop used for surfing porn
Prancer	Prosthetic cancer (much better eh!)
Hohotel	Rooms by the half hour
Outsized	Fired
Vulvailable	Girl who doesn’t need much convincing
Piagra	A hard-on for mathematics
Glarenting	Parents who rule with a scowl
Remolding	Recovering from a yeast infection
Sootball	African football
Bottiebubble	Flatulence
Hoovie	Horror movie
Tomorrowed	Borrowed
Keybored	Don’t wanna type no more

…and so you see some of my nonsense perhaps you’d like to add some more. I’ve opened for comments in case anyone wishes to do so.

So gronit! (get right on it)

Begging Letter to Sylvester Stallone

2011-09-12T01:32:00.000-07:00

Dear Sly,

I can call you that can’t i?

God but you’re ugly!

But then I’ve seen your mother and so I guess that explains that.

And where the hell were you when the twin towers came down? I guess you were drinking with Bruce Willis and Chuck Norris and the other action heroes at Christopher Reeve’s house. We sure could have done with you guys that day.

I’m writing for two reasons – the first is to heap praise on you for your long career and the second is to sell you the script of my new blockbuster movie Ramby.

Why did you turn down the original Die Hard part of John McClane and then also the role of The Terminator and cheat yourself out of even more great franchises? Bad decisions my friend. I guess you mustn’t have been thinking straight when you read the scripts. I guess you must’ve been dosed up on something to make you big and strong.

Apart from those disgraceful errors of judgement (they were, weren’t they – I mean, they must haunt you) I have to say that ever since you first stepped into the ring and dripped blood and sweat on to the camera lens you have been a great hero of mine; ever since you first picked up an oversized, turbo-charged machine gun weighing fifty pounds and murdered the indigenes I have been a fan. I have forgiven you your humble, pornographic beginnings because there is much more to you, I know, than that thing you swing which the Catholics are afraid of.

Did you know you are G.W. Bush’s favorite actor? What a compliment for you! I read in your biography that you are a staunch republican – which is the opposite to being a staunch Democrat – both of which are akin to being more than a little mentally challenged – but then we have always known that about you Sly.

Well now, facing the age of seventy and with the world in economic crisis, I’m sure you’ve been giving some thought to your investments. I know you lost your shirt on that Planet Hollywood farce so I guess you’re being real sensible these days about what you put your money into. Well what I have for you today is a cast-iron sure thing; one that cannot fail. All it needs is someone to take a chance on it – just what you needed with Rocky as I recall!

Ramby tells the story of a retired Army boxing champ (you of course!) whose younger fat, twin brother was killed in the Gulf in a suspicious Government test involving marijuana cheese strings. To get to the bottom of what happened our hero has to infiltrate the jungles of Iraq and negotiate the shark-infested waters of Saudi Arabia in the search for truth – laying waste along the way to anyone who looks remotely Muslim or Irish.

It’s a gore-fest! One particular scene thrills me Sly. It’s when you come face to face with the leader of the terrorist organization Al-Bathsheba (Abdullah O’Mahoney). This particular baddie will become a screen legend because of his cruelty to his captives and the peculiar way he always seems to have little boys around him. In the climax scene you and he have to fight while an Armenian earthquake rattles around you and all the little boys are going to fall into a great big hole and you have to get to them on time and…..oh my…..I’m excited just thinking about it!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, the movie ends with you running up to the top of one of the pyramids and screaming the name of your dead twin from the top of your lungs in an emotionally tortured piece of Academy Award-winning acting.

So what do you think Sly? Of course we need to tackle such things as appropriate product placement (perhaps a Coke in your hand on the pyramid?) but such things are trivial as you know.

The script for Ramby is ready for your perusal and is yours for the nominal sum of just $10,000. The language has already been mumbled for you so you just have to read verbatim. You will never make a better investment my friend. I would also be grateful for a bit-part in the movie when it’s made (something like third dagger victim, scene three would do) because I would really enjoy watching how a movie gets made.

Please wire transfer me money in exchange for return of script by courier.

And enjoy the Oscar when it comes!

Sincerely,

Sean Firestarter

Flint, Michigan

Two 911s to go please...

2011-09-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

In Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, there is a burger chain called nine eleven.

I’ll repeat that.

There is a burger chain called 911 in Riyadh.

I shit you not.

I didn’t even realise I was there until I was asked if I wanted a side of sauce with my meal – when the guy said “hot sauce, coleslaw or nine eleven?”

I stood still for a second just taking the offer in and wondering if the guy was making fun of the infamous date by offering me an extra hot sauce - and I was thinking smugly to myself the joke was on him because I’m not an American when suddenly I looked up and there was the sign overhead - 911 Burgers.

Note that I wasn’t offered nine one one sauce, but nine eleven.

I SHIT YOU NOT.

There is a burger chain in Saudi Arabia called 911.

Okay, let me explain what happened next. When I had finished my burger (and a damn fine one it was too) I sat to my laptop and started researching the company because, of course, I wanted to know if they predated or post-dated the actual 911.

Why?

I dunno really. Perhaps having that knowledge would have better informed my opinion of them; perhaps I just had nothing better to do. Anyway I began looking but found nothing of any consequence so the truth is I am none the wiser but, to be honest, I have decided in my own mind that the company came after the event. I have decided that because it allows me to create a new menu for them to replace the existing one (which doesn’t follow through on the 911 theme) and which I can offer in exchange for some money to help me in my present financial crisis.

I mean, there is a certain sense of wicked fun behind such a name for a burger joint isn’t there. I half expected the guy behind the counter to ask if I wanted my burger flame-grilled or done with aviation fuel! And what was 911 sauce anyway? I was afraid to ask. My mind had me racing to concoctions of powdered light bulbs and pulverized cement dust.

I had the coleslaw.

Okay, we’ll start with the basic selection of standard burgers to tickle your palate and your sense of bad taste:

· The GW Bush Burger: (two burger buns with nothing in between)
· The Van Halen Burger (might as well jump)
· The Nick Cage Burger: (ground zero beef smothered in an avalanche of debris sauce)
· The Giuliani Burger: (a burger with zero tolerance for the intestinal tract)
· The Oliver Stone Burger: (so tasty it’s not true!)
· The South Tower Burger: (stacked very high so eat it quickly!)
· The North Tower Burger: (lower than the South but still unstable)
· The Windows on the World Burger: (most expensive crap on the menu)
· World Trade 7 Burger: (it falls over when the person at the table next to you touches his food)
· The Ring a Rosie (yup – it all falls down)
· The 911 Special: (8oz of prime beef in a tasty trampoline sauce)

Sides: Searing is our speciality so please ask!

Seared French Fries
Seared Onion lengths (formerly rings)
Seared and squished fish portions
Sear-fried chicken-wings on a prayer
Seared meatballs (that taste like chicken)

And for desserts I suppose the obvious choices would be a stack of scorching pancakes…apple pie with melted ice-cream….death by chocolate….and my favorites, Waffles Allah Mode and Flight Commander Brownies.

Ouch!

Begging Letter to Kim Jung-Un (North Korea)

2011-09-04T09:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Kim Jong-Un,

I hope this letter finds you and all North Koreans well and that you are still putting on all those fabulous, colourful shows in football stadiums where hundreds of young people who haven’t eaten in weeks all dance in unison. They are such fun to watch! I’ve read that when these young people are practising for hours on end they have to wear diapers because toilet breaks interfere terribly with formations and training. Now that’s a cool idea if it’s true. That’s what I call maximization! Respect dude!

Now I know you guys have been having problems with your southerly neighbours and I know also that the Americans have been demonising you of late but I’m here to tell you that not everyone in the world hates you. In fact, something as simple as a $5,000 contribution towards the publication of my New Communist Manifesto for the 21st Century would greatly improve your world image and make you many new friends.

Let me explain my plan. You see the whole world knows that in its purest form Communism is quite a wonderful concept and that it is only when it is put in the hands of people that it fails because, well, people are such greedy and controlling bastards. For this reason I suggest the first people-free Communist state. You know that island that you and your neighbours are always arguing about? Well let’s take that island, move all the people out, and then just let it sit there under New Communism (Communism without the Corruption). Imagine a Communist State with no one to besmirch the concept and you’ll get my drift.

Utopia.

Now, if we follow this line of thinking further you’ll see that, for example, by moving all your people to South Korea you can, in fact, have a perfectly Communist North Korean State. Simple huh. But then the best ideas always are. Of course you will appreciate that while the idea in its simplest form is exquisite I still have many bugs to work out. My New Communist Manifesto is a work in progress and I am presently tackling such issues as the division of labour in a scenario where there is actually no labour force and maximizing production where there is no one to produce.

But these are just technicalities. Preliminary trials in unpopulated regions such as Siberia have proven to be a great success. When we nationalized the snow there we didn’t have a single complaint and when we ordered no one to produce nothing all records were broken!

My manifesto – Communism Under New Terms – is dedicated to you personally because I believe you are our only hope for the future. Yes, we may be a long way from a people-less society so we need to get creative with what we now have. I think I have improved some things about Communism at its core and if you’d like to take even just the following idea on board then feel free – after all you are going to wire me some money for my efforts!

Communism Under New Terms - Sex Tax:

It’s never before been done and it is probably the single biggest potential earner for any state. Taxes should vary. Single people having sex out of wedlock should be heavily taxed (not for any moral reason but because there is more of it!) and married couples less so. Nobody minds paying for pleasure do they? Couples co-habiting should be moderately taxed and encouraged to have open relationships so that we can impose a third-party sex tax, thereby raising even more money for the state. Adultery should be taxed at the highest rate as should incest. Same-sex relationship taxes should be the same as those of heterosexuals though we should impose a slightly higher charge for rear or foreign object entry because it requires more effort (or so they tell me!).

Outdoor sex should be charged at a higher rate as should sex when drunk, high or asleep because these are very common and could raise a lot of money. Sex in bed should be taxed less than sex in other places because it requires less effort. Sex at night should be taxed less than daytime sex because it doesn’t interfere with daily production targets. Sex with one’s boss or staff should not be taxed because it feeds directly into happiness in the workplace, thus positively impacting production. Finally, sexual assault should of course remain a crime but be taxed very heavily, as should sexual harassment and having the Playboy channel on cable.

Now you may ask how such taxes can be proven and collected. Well I am ahead of you there dear Kim. What we do is bar code all the penises and vaginas using a new invention of mine (The Genital Bar-Coding Gun – patent pending) and then all activities feed back to a central database which prints monthly activity reports. I’d be happy to send you draft plans for said device should you wish to investigate my proposal further.

Okay Kim. Wire me some money and let’s get started improving the quality of equality!

Sincerely,

Day Li Hump

The People’s Republic of Minnesota

Begging Letter to God

2011-09-03T03:32:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I know you probably hear this all the time but I feel like I’ve known you my whole life!

The female vagina was inspired. I mean, you outdid yourself. Breasts are great, don’t get me wrong, and I know there are leg men and neck men and so on but if you do exist then I want to put it on record that vaginas are your crowning glory. Take a bow. How in your own name did you come up with that? I mean, what were you thinking? You must be the genius of all geniuses (geneii?).

When you created Eve was she a Marilyn Monroe-type shape or was she more of a Kate Moss? I ask because of the world’s fascination with the female form and how that image changes over time. We’re quite stupid here as you well know and it disturbs me that there are bulimic people and a global preoccupation with shape and size that drives many lives. Isn’t that awful? Do you think you could maybe level the buildings that house those awful magazines that some women stupidly allow to inform their lives? I’m not asking for any biblical disaster – something like what you did in Japan would be good.

By the way, what did the poor little Japs ever do to you FFS?

As Eve’s was the first vagina did you maybe cock it up (oops) first time and then get better as you went along? Or was the first vagina perfect from day one. She had kids so it was working fine I know. But was it the same? What color was it? And forgive me for focusing on just that part of the body of one of the two sexes but I’m a man and you already know how preoccupied we are with sex so there’s no need for me to explain more I know.

Anyway, Eve did exactly what you told her not to do. I have the same problem with my girlfriend so I can relate. I get pissed off about it just like you though I’ve stopped short at banishing her. I like her vagina too much.

Now God there are some who say that you had nothing to do with anything and that evolution was responsible for it all. If you are there I think this might be a good time to respond to your critics. You could maybe appear to a few quantum physicists and scare the shit outa them for a laugh. Or maybe pop into Holland for a minute and go for the world jaw-dropping record.

Well, my divine friend, I have decided to dedicate my life to the poor but I need some money to help me begin. I’m going to start doing the New York State Lottery and I wanted to tell you so you could help me achieve my vision of a world without poverty. If you could just wiggle your nose or whatever next Friday I sure could put that thirty-two million to good use.

When I win the money I’m going to open a soup kitchen in Beverly Hills and help build up the emaciated female population of the area. I then plan to follow up with a full program of re-education designed to teach said women better eating habits, beginning with my book Protein Shakes for Beginners, a useful guide to getting the right stuff down your neck.

Thanks for the tight ass and the nice jawline you gave me, and perhaps as future generations of my family are born you could maybe phase out the ole cleft palate and the persistent yellow drool on the pillows.

Sincerely,

Christian Givvers

Churchville, Illinois

Worst Movies Ever No.1: Treasure Raiders

2011-09-02T04:21:00.000-07:00

FICTION:

It’s 1984 and at a drunken meeting of Hollywood action heroes it is decided to make donations to a sperm bank in order to protect the future of the action-film hero. Those guys have to look out for each other after all.

Arnie makes a contribution (rather a small one) as does Sly (after much persuasion from his mother) and then Steven Seagal came last (once someone had given him a gay mag). Jean Claude needed a few weeks but he came up with the goods too once he’d finally woken up and then all was frozen and locked away for the future.

Jump to 1985 and the sperm bank is attacked and looted during Los Angeles riots and the samples are stolen and sold to a crack whore who needs kids so she can claim more welfare benefits. The stupid bitch went and artificially inseminated herself with all samples at the same time and then became pregnant.

The resulting child would change cinema and the world…

FACT:

Alexander Nevsky - Actor - Action Hero – star of Treasure Raiders

Christ I can’t believe I’m writing about this asshole. I do so because in my boredom here I had the terrible misfortune to sit through one of the worst films ever made; Treasure Raiders, and Nevsky is the star. It’s like a mixture of National Treasure and The DaVinci Code starring the retarded child of the aforementioned sperm donors. I was glued to the screen it was that bad. The movie also features some skeletal Carradine brother and that slapper from Twin Peaks who never really died more’s the pity. It’s set in Russia.

The supporting cast is shocking. The script is autistic. The camerawork is infantile and even the end credits don’t save it. The movie was made in 2007 and had a budget of $10 million. Ten fucking million! Imagine how much good one could do with that much money! You, like me, will want to lay waste to the collection of assholes responsible for the imbecilic, talentless, celluloid wankfest that is Treasure Raiders.

And so to Nevsky, the lead actor. I’m talking about the kind of bad acting we could only aspire to had we been swung by the legs as babies and had our heads repeatedly cracked against door jambs. Imagine the fattest Seagal with the stupidest Stallone with the most wooden Van Damme and then add a pinch of Arnie’s awful accent. Yeah, it’s really that bad. David Caruso would look like a Shakespearean actor beside this wanker and anyone who makes Caruso look good must be a royal, acting spastic don’t you agree? Watching Treasure Raiders I wanted to beat Nevsky to death with his own foot.

Nevsky, like Arnie, has a bodybuilding background. After years spent winning everything in Moscow he then published bestselling fitness books…bollocks….I couldn’t be arsed telling you more until eventually…………wait for it……..he ended up in the Lee Strasberg Acting School. The fucking Lee Strasberg Acting School!!!! The same Lee Strasberg School that trained DeNiro and Pacino and Keitel and Hoffman and Marlon Brando.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here’s an interesting fact. Jack Nicholson had to audition five times to get into Strasberg’s Acting School. Yup, five times. And that was a very young and hungry Nicholson too. Hoffman auditioned six times….Harvey Keitel eleven times. That fucking school had standards man! One year, out of 2,000 candidates for places at Strasberg, only two were accepted….Martin Landau and Steve McQueen. Understand? See what I’m saying?

And they let Nevsky in!

What is the world coming to? Next they’ll be telling us Drew Barrymore has talent. Yikes!

PLOT:

Historian who likes racing meets his racing nemesis and oh ….they share a common interest in treasure hunting! They hunt for treasure. There is a baddie.

END PLOT:

That’s Treasure Raiders folks and believe it or not, Nevsky wrote it!

Not with joined letters I bet.

Christ I can still taste the bile. I think the storyboard was probably finger-painted.

And I get angrier and angrier at shit like this when I see how real artists struggle to make essential viewing like City of God or Das Boot or The Lives of Others; films that simply screamed to be made and must be seen whatever the cost. Movies like these save an industry that is awash with talentless Nevskys.

Movies like Treasure Raiders are proof positive that the industry is drowning in a pool of its own prawn-cocktail piss. Shame on the misfits who have anything to do with this rubbish. History will be much more unkind to them than I could ever be.

As for Nevsky, he’ll no doubt end up kicking the shit out of some famous wrestler one of these action-movie days. He will be rich. His career will no doubt span three years. Our lives will be no better or worse for it but our intelligences will be deeply offended. And the most maddening thing of all is that Nevsky shares his name with one of the most important Russians in history, a medieval warrior, beatified and once voted the greatest Russian ever!

By the way, read this from an actual sperm-bank website…

Los Angeles California Cryobank sperm donors will be reimbursed up to $100 per donation and up to $1200 a month by donating 3 times a week. We periodically offer incentives such as movie tickets or gift certificates for extra time and effort expended by participating sperm donors.

What the fuck is extra time and effort? Is that like having a slow rather than a fast wank? Is that like making two consecutive deposits?

Are they paying by the fluid ounce???

I wonder if you have to work a week in hand.

I was going to invest in this clinic but I pulled out at the last minute!

Just as you leave the clinic, do they thank you for coming?

Okay okay…..I’m done now…

….or should I say spent?

Begging Letter to Julian Assange

2011-09-01T03:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Julian Assange,

Hello there you albino genius you!

I hope this letter finds you well and that you never more fall victim to the kinds of insidious attacks you have been subjected to in recent times. And that is why I write.

I am presently incarcerated in upstate New York and sorely in need of the $10,000 bail the man is demanding from me. Now I know that you are not a very rich man Julian, but you do have friends with money and I’m not asking for much am I? Like you, I too have been falsely accused by people who see me as a threat to the political status quo. Let me explain.

Apparently, in the good ole USA, the land of “free” speech, it is not okay to say what you think about the President without half the fricken’ FBI chasing you, reading your mails and listening in on your phone calls. And I wasn’t even threatening Barack Obama! I wrote an e-mail to a friend in which I was reacting to some observations of his about the President of his Tenants’ Association. I jokingly replied to his complaints about the asshole that he should send him a letter bomb or maybe pay someone to take him out. Who’d have thought the subject matter line of my mail would put me before a judge? Well it did and so here I am, an apparent threat to the state, and all I wanted to do was give some good-natured advice to a friend.

In return for your help with my bail Julian, I’m prepared to offer you what are probably the most explosive documents your site will ever publish. I have in my possession (don’t ask me how I got them) the school reports of every major politician in the world for the last hundred years and I promise you that owning them would put you on a whole new footing with world leaders. Let me give you a taste of what these people would never want to see in the public domain.

Written by Barack Obama’s Grade 2 teacher:

“He is a charming boy with the concentration span of a gnat and he refuses to take his finger out of his nose! Also, he constantly claims to the others that he can do things we all know he simply cannot but he insists and insists until we let him try and so he wastes a lot of class time...why does he always come to school in a suit”?

Written by Dominique Strauss Kahn’s high school teacher:

“…constantly bothering the girls and frequently quite rough – especially with the latinas. We feel he should be removed from the school and transferred, perhaps, to our sister school in New York. Far too preoccupied with money!”

Written by Robert Mugabe’s elementary school teacher:

“Your son is a compulsive liar and shows signs of brutality never before seen in this institution. He is a sore loser and he takes everything personally. He will say anything you want to hear to get what he wants but be careful with him - he is not as he seems.”

Written by King Assad’s High School teacher in Syria:

Your son is far too conscious of his height and ugliness and so overcompensates for his self-consciousness by kicking others all around him. Please inform him that this is no way to earn respect or to win friends.”

See Julian? And I have school reports for everyone from David Cameron to the King of Saudi Arabia. These make fascinating reading and they would give you a whole lot of leverage you do not presently have. They are yours in exchange for a simple wire transfer and you can use them as you see fit.

Please send ASAP

Sincerely,

Prisoner 2560179

NY NY (So good they bombed it twice)

Begging Letter to Charlie Sheen

2011-08-30T03:11:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlie Sheen,

I’m such a fan! Of course everyone is – you must be tired of hearing that.

I hope this letter finds you well and dry because lately you sure have been burning the wet t-shirt at both ends! It’s been a while since you’ve been on the large or small screen in anything new man and to tell the truth we all do miss that cheeky grin and those lacerating quips of yours! You know when you went off the rails I feared for you for a while; I was worried you might take it all too far and maybe drink yourself to death before you had the chance to give something back. Of course I know you are not an alcoholic; you simply have a constant thirst for alcohol – like most men – though you can afford to quench yours and, being single, you can drink whenever you like. I think I might hate you.

Well, if this letter finds you alive and well I hope you’ll send some money to a new self-help group of mine which sure could do with a little financial backing right now!

We are called Pissheads Rebelling in Calvin Klein’s (PRICKS) and we aim to give support to rich individuals like you who don’t know when they’re well-off. The whole philosophy behind PRICK is a simple one. Members have to be rich and famous and they need to have engaged in drunken acts of public self-destruction on at least two occasions before they can join our group. Naturally Charlie we would consider you an honorary PRICK - along with Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears.

Here’s how we help people like you and them; first we kidnap the idiot and we tape the offender’s mouth shut and follow by shutting down his or her Twitter because, let’s face it, PRICKS just don’t know when to shut up! We then forbid them to occupy hotel balconies or other places where they might gather onlookers.

Second we admit them to a special PRICKS Clinic where subjects will be repeatedly bombarded with images of advertisements for Disney movies, still water and tofu as well as being frequently kicked senseless by a number of poor kids from the projects who’ve volunteered to assist us because they hate rich PRICKS.

Third, and most importantly, begins our re-programming. In these group therapy sessions you will be encouraged to focus on why it is you are a PRICK and how you can stop being one. Once you have been verbally and physically abused and cried a few times you will have your personal epiphany Charlie – a wonderful moment of enlightenment in which you will weep like an infant and after which you will sign 50% of your worldly goods over to our organisation out of sheer gratitude and relief. You will then slide across to our recovery program for re-entry into society. This we call Coming out Clean (COC).

Do you see the progression Charles? You go from being a right PRICK to being a COC in only a matter of weeks (longer if you’re gonna be a pussy about it). At first you’ll just be a little COC but later, when you’ve learned to show some self-control, you’ll be a much bigger one.

So come on Charlie and send me some money! I bet you made millions out of that Two and a Half Men children’s CD with all those racy songs on it. You know I did try to release one myself a few years back but I think I was ahead of my time; the market was just not ready for such songs as Dyslexics Love Fcuking, Uncle Tim Made me a Website, Animals Burn Easy and Mama Can’t Wake-Up Today. They did have some complex rhythms I’ll grant you – but why don’t you be the judge. Tell you what! I’ll throw them in when you send me some money like the PRICK you are!

Sincerely,

Dylan MacMillan

Cirrhosis, Wichita

Begging Letter to Hillary Clinton

2011-08-29T03:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Hillary Clinton,

Hey baby!

Tell me, do you still give Bill a hard time over ‘that woman’? I ask because us men know from our own relationships how it is that women never forget. When Bill screws up do you wheel out Monica and beat him with the past until he cries? That happens to the rest of us all the time. Maria, my therapist, says it’s quite normal in a couple.

You’ll never guess what horrible thing my dear old neighbor spurted out when she heard about Bill and Monica. Her words were, ‘Well the President wouldn’t have done that with another woman if his own wife had been taking better care of him!’ Wasn’t that a shocking thing to ejaculate! How old-fashioned! Of course I immediately put her straight. I explained to her that what happened between those two had nothing to do with you, that your husband was just a lech and that was it. Anyway, my neighbor is dead now you’ll be glad to hear. You know I preferred her to Maria.

I’m writing to you for two reasons; first, I want to congratulate you on choosing the better of the two jobs at the top of the US political scale. At least you are getting things done, unlike poor old BO. And isn’t it ironic he hijacked your healthcare proposals only to find he was never going to change anything in the end! You must give a little wry smile every morning in the mirror.

My second reason for writing is that I intend to launch a safe-sex program for young people in the Washington area and I need some money to create the required literature and visual aids. The program will encourage young people not to have intercourse until they reach thirty. It will do so by advising them of the alternatives such as oral sex or mutual masturbation and by illustrating various techniques. My single biggest cost will no doubt be the DVD production. I have the movie storyboarded and my director, cast and crew are almost ready (still trying to get Emma Watson and David Letterman) but there was a bit of a cock up with an investor so we’re now shy a few grand.

Do you think you could assist us in our endeavors? The movie will be a thriller called The Spy Who Came and it will have an explosive ending! It’s set in Washington and it will tell the story of a young, celibate intern who befriends an older, political figure (really a Chinese spy) who is pressuring her to have intercourse. Of course he doesn’t pull it off, thereby showing our audience that a young person can be firm in her resolve by using her wiles - and a couple of other things too. In the end the spy gets caught with his pants down and is tossed in jail.

We’re aiming for total market penetration here Hillary – a lot of exposure - and in return for the obvious infamy you’ll achieve for your financial support for our project I can also offer you a bit part in the movie if you’d like! You could choose whichever of the following roles might appeal to you: Swedish nanny, Chewing-gum Teen, First Slapper on the Left, or Embittered Wife. None have much to say so you needn’t worry about learning many lines. There will be no real close-ups either so don’t worry about those wrinkles or that hair. On the day of shooting you’d need to bring a few changes of clothes but no easily-stained dresses okay – jeans with worn knees would be good. Perhaps Chelsea can lend you some stuff?

Well keep up the good work Hillary! You are an example to us all with your untiring work and your fabulous oral skills on the international stage. Please send me on a wire transfer as soon as you can.

Sincerely,

Dick Rodman

T-Bag, Arkansas

Begging Letter to Martha Stewart

2011-08-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Martha Stewart,

Like you I was once in jail, though unlike you since I got out I have been unable to earn any real money and this is why I write. I’m sure you can appreciate my frustration at having a wonderful business idea that no one will fund because I’ve had the misfortune to do time once and, well, you know what preconceived notions people have about us jailbirds!

Like you, I was jailed for using insider information, though in my case the information was an envelope of pictures taken of a senator and a married neighbour of mine while he was insider!

It occurs to me Martha that just because people are criminals that doesn’t mean the authorities should process or incarcerate them in an environment that pays no mind to what may be in fashion at any given time. The fact is, I believe, that the prison system has no idea of the power of colour or texture. I’m sure, for example, had they taken you away in pink handcuffs you would have felt a lot less depressed because that color just oozes comfort. And in your jail cell, had there been good quality furnishings with fluffy pillows and cushions and maybe some nice drapes, your few months would have flown by rather than crawled.

This leads me to what is, in effect, a simple suggestion, but one that could make us both a whole mess of money. What if we launched a line of prison wear and furnishings? Nowadays a lot of prisons are going private and there is so much money in the incarceration business it would not be too difficult to pick up a few contracts, especially in those prisons with bleeding heart governors who want to house their inmates in more humanitarian environments.

I propose first and foremost a whole range of women’s prison wear. We can begin by throwing out the high-necked traditional orange two-piece jumpsuit and replace it with a lower-cut celeste or salmon option. Indeed, the color could reflect the crime so that the worse the crime the darker the color. Or, where preferred, we could offer what I call a range of castigation clothes. For example, we could make butch, lesbian killers wear pretty little flounces and heels or we could make white-collar businesswoman wear beige power suits to strip them of any credibility. Of course these are just some initial ideas but if we follow through to the male prison populations just look at the potential! We could make the queers wear dungarees to make life difficult, rapists wear dungarees back to front to make life easier for their assailants inside, and so on.

Asymmetrical prison bars in cells would break up the cold, hard lines of the prison and again multitask insofar as, for example, identifying the criminal or the crime. Horizontal bars could represent pussy-cat prisoners who just want to study their SATs while diagonal bars could represent people who lean towards compulsive deviancy etc.

In fact, Martha, the possibilities are endless and run the whole gamut of prison utilities from re-upholstering vans to bringing a touch of Martha to the canteen. But don’t just take my word for it! Send me $10,000 so I can finish a basic portfolio for market research purpose and I will give you first option on a ground-floor buyout. I have already developed a range of bouncing prison soaps (why has no one ever thought of it!) in striking colours as well as a new prisoner potty which, after use, doubles as a gas stove or a sink which, after use, folds into a neat coffee table or a step-aerobics utility whose legs are non-removable in case of prison riots.

Are you as excited as I am Martha? Please immediately send me a money transfer and I’ll be back in touch.

Sincerely,

Kay Mart

Sellblock, Wisconsin

P.S. You were right to dump Anthony Hopkins. He scares the shit outa me too!

Begging Letter to G.W. Bush Jnr.

2011-08-26T04:50:00.000-07:00

Dear George W. Bush Junior,

How’s it hangin’ dude?

I see your middle name is Walker but don’t worry, I’m not going to make any Texas Ranger jokes. I would never give such offence to Chuck Norris.

How’s life down south now you’ve done your stint as the leader of the free world? I had to laugh when I read in a biography that you once owned a company called Bush Exploration. Where was the Head Office; Tampax Florida? Didn’t you think that company name was funny when you chose it? Didn’t you just want to open sister companies with names like Bush Trimming (Head Office, Brazil) or Bush Divers or Bush Management PLC?

Maybe it’s just my southern mind.

I also heard that when you were campaigning to become Governor of Texas you promised to pass a bill allowing Texans to carry concealed weapons and that you kept this promise too. Wow! I’d love to talk to you about that someday over drinks. You’re such a true defender of human rights.

And I’ve never forgotten what happened in 2000 when you first became President. You got half a million fewer individual votes in the election than Al Gore and you still won and that was pretty damned cool! So too was the manner in which you fought and won the Florida recounts. Guess you had a few concealed weapons of your own huh.

All in all though George I have to say that from day one your Presidency was, for me, marred by the suspicion of cheating and manipulation and money and nepotism so, to be honest, I never really had any respect for you and I never really trusted you to do the right thing, rather than your own thing, if you know what I mean.

Do you think your two terms of office proved me wrong?

And does it bother you that some human rights groups still want to indict you for crimes under international law? And how close was Michael Moore really with all his nine-eleven allegations?

Let me get back to your money here. Allow me to offer you a cast-iron method of redeeming yourself in the eyes of the Christian world. How would you feel about sending me a few grand to help me out – one Christian to another – one bullshitter to another. I plan to invest it converting those poor misguided Islamists into Christians through my ‘We All Need Knowledge’ program (WANK). First we teach them the Bible and then we can teach them such things as electronics or aeronautics; just to keep them off the streets. Of course there will be difficulties attracting these people to Christianity which, as you know, only offers Paradise as a celibate afterlife option but we will nonetheless do our best. We will forward the passports of all those on the program to Homeland Security so they may use them as they see fit going forward.

In return for your help I will commit to sending you a monthly CD Rom in which I will correct for you your many mispronunciations – difficult words such as nuclear…..coupon…..aluminium and so on – thereby giving you much more credibility in your new world of public speaking.

Peace and love man! I have always lived by your creed…..when in doubt…..bomb the shit outa them!

Please find my money transfer details below.

Sincerely,

Heston Charles

Firingrange, Atlanta

Begging Letter to Bob Geldof

2011-08-26T04:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Bob Geldof,

I bet you must be really pissed of right now. I mean, you did all that great work in the eighties and not only does the problem of hunger and famine remain in Africa, it threatens to worsen! If I were you I’d be sick as a dog about that. You and the guys worked your asses off and for what? More resources for guerrillas? But, let’s be philosophical about it all; we both know that famine is not so much caused by a food shortage as it is by crooked governments and warring factions and bare-faced theft.

Like you, I too would probably not piss on a politician who was on fire.

But you’ll be delighted to hear that I write today to propose a solution to these problems so that future economic and food aid might arrive where it’s supposed to, thus saving millions of lives. I propose not sending any more aid directly to Africa; instead, let’s get an IKEA franchise in there and build superstores all over the place offering DIY huts and irrigation systems and so on. Does this seem crazy to you? Well read on my bohemian friend and be enlightened.

For example; Somalians who need food, water and supplies go to the superstore where, upon presentation of fingerprint identification, they are first given a helping of those exquisite meatballs that are IKEA’s most famous product. Adults should be served eight meatballs and children four. Fat adults and children should get nothing to eat. If arms are missing then footprints can suffice. Quadriplegics will pose a problem. Any ideas?

There will be a complimentary 50 liter drum of Irish rainwater for every shopper. End of step one; the people are fed. Then, using a simple voucher system the shoppers can wander from department to department and purchase whatever supplies they need. IKEA would then send you on the vouchers so you can personally ensure that the aid is going to those who need it most.

Now if you, by chance, happen to come across any vouchers that have been exchanged for such things as fertilizer then you can report those bomb makers to the authorities and have them shot. Similarly, if you encounter vouchers for such things as hammers and machetes then once more you will have identified insurgents or terrorists and you can have them weeded out. You need not worry about making any errors Bob because everyone knows that the only meaningful tool one needs after shopping in IKEA is a pissy little Allen key screwdriver.

Inspired huh! And IKEA would love it because they’re trying to take over the world and the continent is just lying there waiting for them to move in but the market hasn’t got the money. But the West does, and as long as IKEA don’t sell Uzis there shouldn’t be a problem!

You may think such a company as IKEA would never buy into my idea but this, Bob, is where I come in. I have a friend in Sweden, Monica, whom I will soon be revisiting for therapeutic purposes (an old disco wound on my inner thigh). She has promised to introduce me to a whole host of senior IKEA managers whom she also treats and I think that if I could wine and dine these guys a few times I could pull off the coup of the century! I reckon about $10,000 should cover my planned long weekend. So what do you think? I know I know, it’s so simple it’s stupid and it just might work! Are you as excited as I am? Perhaps you’d like to come with me and experience some Swedish hospitality first-hand? Monica has many famous friends, including that guy from that website who got busted.

Please see my money transfer details below but hurry. As I write it’s Monday here and I need to be in Sweden Thursday night or I miss my slot.

Sincerely,

D. Stendedbelly

Cookstown, Chicago

Begging Letter to Oprah Winfrey

2011-08-26T04:28:00.000-07:00

Dear Oprah,

How’s the retirement?

You know ever since you left I have no one to tell me what books I should be reading. I also miss the smug Dr. Phil with his whiney voice and all that priceless advice you guys hurled at us over the years. In truth, Oprah, you are sorely missed and we haven’t filled the chasm yet. And how’s the weight these long days? I hope you are not overeating out of boredom. Well if you find you are please feel free to get in touch with a group I discovered in Chicago called Fat and Not Necessarily Young (FANNY). Tell them I sent you!

You know it is often reported how you are one of the richest women in the world. Even if you aren’t, you still have a heck of a lot more money than I do so I’m writing to ask if you can assist me with a little endeavor close to my heart. It is my aim to set up a survivors club for people who were beaten by their parents when they were young. Now this club will be very different because it will not be for regular people whose parents kicked the shit outa them - there are far too many of those – my club will exist only to support those victims who have gone on to become huge stars and earned a whole mess of money.

Good idea huh!

Some names of those who need assistance spring immediately to mind: there’s the Scottish rapper Hot T whose father kicked him repeatedly and who sang the immortal words,

‘You kicked me in the ass when ya caught me smokin’ grass

Ya wuz tryin’ to lead me when ya kneed me,

And when ya kicked ma nuts and ya sliced me too,

I wrote it down in blood pappy – I luv you.’

And then there’s the Bollywood actor Cashmir Pashmeeri whose family were very rich but no one knew how he had suffered as a child. He has made many movies based on his own life experience, including Scumbag Millionaire and Living in the Punchjab.

And then there’s poor Colonel McCarthy from that African country whose reign of terror obviously had a lot less to do with dictatorship than it had with parental abuse. Poor man. He just needs a hug.

And the list goes on and on.

These guys need help Oprah, and there are many others like them; many of them friends of yours I’m sure. Well I want to help. I plan to call my initial program Survivors Living And Performing (SLAP) and then add a follow-on therapy aimed at teaching people not to perpetuate the abuse. This I call The Go Down, Stay Down Program. I intend to have daily group sessions using a controversial new technique called Physical Reliving in order to push victims to an early breakthrough because, let’s face it, every minute they don’t work they lose a lot more money than someone like me!

Well do you like my idea girl?

I need just $50,000 to get started. Please send it as soon as you can via wire transfer.

Sincerely,

Liza Mannelli

Broken Jaw, Philadelphia

PS: Why didn’t you make any more movies? You were great in those Shirley Temple classics!

Begging Letter to Hugo Chavez (Venezuela)

2011-08-26T04:25:00.000-07:00

Dear Hugo Chávez,

¡Alo Presidente!

My but you’ve been in office a very long time! Some would say too long but not me. I say good for you. How’s your old buddy Fidel? Better than you about now I guess. I heard you’ve been unwell and I’m sorry to hear that. I only hope your illness isn’t some kind of divine retribution. That would really suck for you. On the plus side, if you die Simon Bolivar will no doubt be waiting to have a few words with you in the next life. That’s a conversation I’d love to hear! On a more positive note though, without hair you know you look like the bad guy from Austin Powers!

I’m writing to ask for a little loan. I know your country has an awful lot of money from all that oil you have and I know you sure don’t spend it at home improving hospitals and education and infrastructure so I’m guessing you have quite a bit of cash lying around! Yes, you give a lot to your political friends abroad in case you might ever need them to pull you out of a hole but you must still have a lot stashed away I reckon.

Let me explain my situation to you. I need about five hundred thousand US dollars (please don’t send me your own worthless currency) in order to launch my own political party in Florida. I haven’t decided on a name for it yet but it will definitely be socialist once all the money is spent. You’ll be glad to hear one of its chief aims will be to close outspoken and independent media channels just like you do!

This new party will buy up property in Cuba once things start to open up there and these investments will quadruple in no time I promise you. At that stage I will happily return your money if you are still alive or in power.

Now you may ask what’s in such an arrangement for you in the short-term. Well I won’t offend you by talking about such vulgar things as interest rates. What I will say is that in return for your initial assistance I will undertake to say nice things about you to anyone in the capitalist world who will listen. I will, in addition and with some additional financial assistance from you, propose the Hugo Chávez scholarship program for American universities. We could pay fees for poor Americans who haven’t the money they need to go to college so they can learn all about poverty and how to solve it. These young people could later do a one-year program in your country, maybe assisting all those 17 year-old Cuban doctors who run your public clinics. Your followers, in turn, could kidnap these volunteers and you could recoup your investment money that way.

What do you think?

Chew it over like one of those Cuban cigars and then please forward money transfer as soon as possible.

Saludos,

Carlos Marcos

Little Cuba, Miami

Begging Letter to Mark Zuckerberg

2011-08-26T04:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Mark Zuckerberg,

I hope this letter finds the world’s youngest billionaire well and happy!

Hey! I’m circumcised too! Did yours hurt? Mine did. It’s not something one should have done in a clinic by the beach in Rio is it?

I have an idea I wanted to share with you, my young, chopped philanthropist, because I think you would be the perfect person to help me get this underway. I discovered recently that sexually transmitted diseases are running rampant all over the world and at first I thought it might be a good idea to try and do something to tackle this using your Facebook – maybe some kind of app that warns people their bits will fall off if they have sex with a dirty person or something like that. I mean, what kind of person passes on an STD anyway? That’s just sick man!

But then I had an inspirational moment Mark, one which led to the following proposal which I know you’ll love and want to fully support. I have this network of acquaintances who happen to work in STD clinics around the place and they have informed me that they would gladly get me the personal information of people who have STDs so we can publish it on the web and warn people with clean genitals to avoid them at all costs. Yes, let’s out them all! Let’s let the world know that these people have pus-filled penises and venomous vaginas and let’s start forcing them to clean up their act! And let’s not allow frontiers or race or creed to inform us. I don’t care who they are; if they’ve got genital warts or crabs they deserve to be exposed whether they are politicians, priests or PTA moms.

The site will be called DikiLeaks. Catchy enough to go viral huh!

Now there’s something we have to understand at the outset my friend; there are many powerful people with these diseases and it occurs to me that they will do nothing to stop their names getting into the public domain. You could be in danger. Of course I don’t mean these people will kill you or anything like that; they’re much more likely to try and embarrass you – claim you gave an STD to a Catholic schoolgirl or something like that. These people play dirty! But you are strong I know and with my support you will beat them. And if they try to stitch you up well you have more than enough money to tie them up in court for decades.

My support, by the way, involves creating the initial website and then handing it over to you for the paltry start-up cost of $10,000. Now I know that to you this seems like a tiny sum for initializing a huge, social paradigm shift but that’s simply the kind of guy I am. When I see an injustice I want to tackle it head on and the last thing I want to do is shaft you! Just think of all the good we’d be doing. Before going on a date a girl could do a site check for her date’s name to make sure he’s clean. And even if someone suddenly drops their guard when a little drunk they can use their smartphone and do a search in the time it takes one to remove a pair of pants.

I also have an idea for another website (we could link from DikiLeaks) promoting circumcision for non-Jews in the interests of public, sexual health. I can think of some very catchy slogans we could use as banner heads; such things as “Your wiener is cleaner” and “Smack a different monkey this weekend” would be great promotional aids I’m sure. This additional idea I give you from the goodness of my heart. You just cannot put a price on public health can you?

So Mark, please send money transfer and let’s get started changing the world!

Sincerely,

C. Phyllis

Foreskin, Michigan

Begging Letter to Bono

2011-08-26T04:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Bono,

Top of da mornin’ to ye me auld flower!

I hope this letter finds you and the boys well and happy and still accumulating. Jesus that Facebook investment of yours was bloody marvellous! You are much more than a singer songwriter we know. You are much more than an international ambassador for justice too. Your charitable acts will long outlive you. History will be very kind to you all. And so it should be.

Shure yeer a grate band so yeeare!

Now I’m not one to complain my dear Irish genius but what the hell were you thinking of with that Spiderman musical? I mean why didn’t you do more homework on that…maybe talk to Michael Flatley or something. And didn’t you hear any alarm bells the first time you heard the words Spiderman and Musical in the same breath? It’s not like you guys to make a boo boo so I was very surprised and disappointed with the whole debacle. Of course it takes nothing from your overall worth – it just dents the ego a bit.

Speaking of which, did you know that Freud once remarked that the Irish were impervious to psychoanalysis? Of course Freud was completely out of his own mind and only a really stupid person or a liar would make such a remark when the well-known truth is that the Irish are, in fact, impervious to bullshit and Freud, being a most accomplished bullshitter, didn’t wanna go that road and maybe embarrass himself by trying to psychoanalyze them and ending up with egg on his face.

Or would that have been his mother?

Hey you guys are worth more money than you could ever even count so what about throwing a lousy few grand my way and helping me to start up a little recording studio? I work part-time in a school for the blind and they have weekly music classes and I thought if they had a recording studio then I could record them all falling around and knocking cymbals over and then release the CD as an Indie-type thing and maybe make some money. Of course you guys would get your investment back in no time.

And this would only be the beginning because my ultimate goal is to create my own label, ‘Anorak Records’ and release special interest CD titles like ‘Narrow Gauge Trains from India’ and ‘High-Pitched Songs from Guantanamo Bay’ and poetry and prose – lots of recorded poetry and prose.

I want to record Steven Hawkins reading Jane Austen, Joan Rivers reading Sylvia Plath, Pamela Anderson reading Virginia Woolf, and so on. I also have this idea to produce an album by a band I discovered in a club in New Jersey a while back. They’re called Leather Pants and they’ve put all of Emily Dickinson’s poems to rock riffs. It’s really uplifting and spiritual once you get past the lyrics.

So whaddya think?

Give my best to the band and whenever you can please forward the money transfer number to me.

Sincerely,

Shamelesss McGinty

D’Oirish Projects

Manhattan

Begging Letter to Jose Mourinho

2011-08-26T04:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Jose Mourinho,

How the hell did you get to be so handsome anyway? Did you make a deal with the devil? Do you know all men hate you because of how you look?

I hope this letter finds you well and that you are not still stirring trouble there in Spain with your malevolent tactics both on and off the field!

I write because I understand that you are probably the richest soccer manager in the world and I am seeking some investors for a new soccer academy in Barcelona whose aim is to take the children of white supremacists off the streets of Europe. The academy will be called Training in Tolerance (TIT) and will only be open to children whose parents have been convicted of hate crimes under European law. My hope is that, instead of kicking at young Jewish or Muslim kids as they grow up, these youngsters will instead kick a ball and learn the great game rather than the hate game.

Now I know you know that there is a lot of hatred in Europe (after all, much of it is directed at you as you destroy the game we all love) and I believe, as I’m sure you do, that redirecting that hate should be a priority if we want to create a better society. Imagine a soccer academy where, upon arrival, the children are water boarded and kicked by staff from the various ethnic groups those very kids loathe! That’s what I call tackling the problem of intolerance through education!

Summer camps will consist of a four-week program; two weeks of physical and psychological abuse (to balance the historical scales a bit) followed by two weeks of soccer training and friendly matches at local juvenile offender institutions. We will not provide food or drink and, in honour of you, we will have a separate and special program designed for kids who come from Madrid because we find they are in the greatest present danger.

Should you decide to invest in the TIT Academy a sculptor friend of mine has promised to sculpt your likeness for the front entrance and to greatly enhance your manly bulge to underline how people with balls get results. This will no doubt get you even more female and gay admirers!

And if you have any problems finding the money for me well it’s about time Cristiano Ronaldo moved on to LA Galaxy so it might be a good idea to sell him now, while he’s still worth a couple of million.

I wait in anticipation for your reply Jose. I know you will do the right thing. Please forward monies to my American holiday address – money transfer details below.

And keep on smiling!

Sincerely,

Pele Escobar

Guardiola, New York

Begging Letter to Terri Irwin (Widow of Steve)

2011-08-26T04:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Terri Irwin,

G’day Sheila!

How’s my favorite widow doin’? Guess the nights are lonely there for you right now but cheer up, you’ll find another…….actually......no – I guess you won’t.

You know we all miss your Steve. He wasn’t the brainiest man in the world bless him, and he did so like to torment those poor animals he was always groping, but his heart was in the right place. You’ve probably been asked this before but did you wonder for a while if maybe the animal kingdom had a contract out on your husband? I mean, it wouldn’t be surprising would it? I wonder if the crocodiles put out a contract the stingray collected on.

Anyway, I thought I’d write a few lines to pass on my condolences and ask if you could maybe send me some of the insurance money you got for losing Steve to help me out with my sick dog, Einstein. I call him that because he can do some great tricks such as proving infinite, repeating decimals with one paw and a big bowl of grapes.

Let me explain my situation to you because I know, one animal lover to another, that it will tug at your heart strings and you’ll want to run to your nearest money transfer office and send me a few grand. A couple of weeks ago I was walking my best friend in the park, watching him playing his silly trigonometry games with the tree shadows he then pissed in, when he suddenly snuffled over to something on the ground and then ate it without a second thought. The next morning the vomiting started and then he got a fit of the runs so you can imagine the state of my house by the time we were leaving for the vet’s.

Well the vet did some X-rays (Jesus they cost a lot!) and then he said he needed to keep Einstein for a few days to do a proper diagnosis and when that was done my world collapsed. You see, Terri mate, it turns out my best friend has contracted a terrible and rare disease called Durexosis which can only be contracted by animals who consume used condoms. I mean, what are the odds!! Fate has struck me such a cruel blow! To make matters worse apparently the only known cure can only be found in the eyeballs of a Columbian jellyfish so I now need to travel there to buy the serum and, well; you know what United Airlines are like don’t you.

So Terri, knowing how great you are in the face of adversity and how very much you love all animals I hope you will seize this opportunity to give something back to the animal kingdom which has been so good to you (I exclude marine life from that for obvious reasons) by sending me $5,000 as soon as you can. Please don’t send me Australian dollars if you can avoid it; and if you can’t then send me 10,000 of those by money transfer.

Good luck with your career without Steve and if that doesn’t work out then don’t worry because I’ve just had a brainwave! What about Crocodile Dundee as a new partner? He’s looked the same age for thirty years!

You should invite him over for a barbie - if he’s not still married to her.

Sincerely,

Samantha Ray

Everglades, Florida

Begging Letter to Tiger Woods

2011-08-26T04:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Tiger Woods,

Well howdy!

I hope this letter finds you well my favourite African-American. My but didn’t you simply implode after that car fiasco! You know I felt very sorry for you when all that happened; especially so when it became clear that your game was tightly welded to your public image and once that was shattered well, there was simply nothing left for you to give. But cheer up. You’re a whole lot better at throwing clubs than anyone thought!

Now I know you are a clever man Tiger and so you had plenty of opportunity to stash away lots of savings before the sponsors and the trophies went elsewhere and so that’s why I write. I had the most inspired idea recently as I was being attacked and beaten senseless with a nine iron in East LA. Each time that club came down on my skull the idea grew and grew until I simply had to act – once out of Rehab of course.

So Tiger, my main man! I hope you can dig into your pocket and find a few thousand dollars to assist me as I set up a new golf school for wayward youngsters. I can think of no better alternative for a crack whore than the occasional bit of rough. Can you? I can think of no better way to tackle the problem of drive-by shootings that taking these kids off the streets, putting them in gay yellow sweaters, and giving them golf clubs. These people need our help and we must stand up and be counted at this time of social crisis.

I would be happy to forward you more details of my scheme if you should wish to see them. I have draft plans for converting derelict, inner-city areas into urban golf links. Many of our worst addicts and criminals could maybe start out just caddying until they get a feel for the game, gravitating later to holes in one and those other things you guys make look so difficult. The whole thing would be closely married to our 18-step plan for beating addiction without beating people. The youngsters would have to tee-off at the beginning of the program and yes, of course, there will be bunkers and dropped-shots along the way but there will also be birdies and some kids may even soar like eagles at the end of it all. Each iteration would conclude with the Tiger Woods Annual Trophy (TWAT) for the best overall golfer who hasn’t shot at anybody, trashed a car or died from an overdose. We are also thinking of giving a medal to any golfer who has manages to maintain a stable relationship for the duration of the program.

So what do you think?

Wouldn’t you like to give something back? Of course you would. Please send by money transfer as soon as you can.

Well good luck Tiger as you try to rebuild your career. Just stay away from the white women man. Dem bitches be crazy!

Sincerely,

Tom Driver,

Fairway, Las Vegas

Begging Letter to Tom Hanks

2011-08-26T04:13:00.000-07:00

Dear Tom Hanks,

Isn’t it remarkable that you met a mermaid once when you were in the city and then for all that time you were stuck on an island there wasn’t one of them bitches to be found!

Mermaids are like cops I guess. Hey! That’s a good movie right there! Mermaid Cops – Beach Assault One.

No, forget it. Where would they stick the badge? Where would they put the night stick?

Oh but Hanksy you looked so bored in The DaVinci Code! Up to that point I loved your work – you were an AC-TOR - but then, and I think since then, it’s as if you’ve lost interest or as if it’s all become too easy or whatever. That’s such a pity man because there was a time there when you were the best in the world. Oh well, at least you still have your health I suppose – and a shitload of money too!

It is with sincere hope that I write this plea for assistance from you. You see I heard once that you returned $25 to a couple who told you they didn’t enjoy one of your movies. I guess it was like a cinema refund or something – or was it just a PR stunt? Well my situation is that I could do with a little extra money right now so I thought it would be okay to ask you for some help seeing as how you have so much. I’m only asking for a couple of grand to get me back on my feet since my insurance has been cancelled and I need some treatment.

Now I could say I didn’t enjoy a single one of your movies and try to prick at your conscience like those shameless folks with the $25 but that would be a lie and I am no liar Thomas. No sir. The fact is I have enjoyed so very many movies of yours – some of them more than a few times – so I cannot plead discontent to extort money from you like some people.

The fact is I need continuing psychosexual therapy for something arising out of my childhood that still complicates my life. I won’t go into too much detail Tom; suffice it to say it involves peanut butter, a box of pencils, and a King Charles spaniel. My insurance company have refused point blank to acknowledge my fetish as an illness or my need to talk to a professional. It’s just like them isn’t it! I love America Tom, even though it is only in America you can pay a fortune to be insured until such a time as you need to claim against your policy, at which point the insurance company simply cancel said policy and hang you out to dry until you are well again.

And I know that my problem might seem pretty perverse to you but it’s really no madder than talking to a volleyball is it?

Hell you got well paid for that!

But I can reassure you Tom that no animals have ever been physically injured in the enactment of my fantasy. They may have whimpered a bit but that’s all.

Anyway, before I sign off I wanted to say well done again. You’ve had a good career. Yes, it may be over now but it’s not like you can complain is it? I mean, it could be a whole lot worse.

You could be Russell Crowe.

Please send money transfer ASAP.

Sincerely,

Skip Wilson,

Puppy, Nebraska

Begging Letter to Bill Gates

2011-08-26T04:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Bill Gates,

MS Word up!

I hope this letter finds you well and I sincerely hope you remember from time to time to take a break from all your philanthropic endeavours.

I am a bit of a nerd and I’ve been working anonymously for many years now on improving your OS. In fact, I do believe I have many priceless suggestions that can positively input to your next version of Windows. Now I could be a greedy man and let you pay me an annual king’s ransom for my talent but I don’t want to do that; my talent can’t be chained to a desk Bill. My plan is to let you have all my ideas in one fell swoop for a once-off price of $100,000. You would then have copyright for eternity and you can take all the credit yourself or give some of it to some of your more challenged designers there.

My modifications have been typed, explained and prepared in full manuscript form and are now available for your perusal. Should you wish to read them I will send the first half of the manuscript at a cost of 50% down payment with the balance to follow as you request the second half. Without compromising any of my ideas and knowing you will fully respect my intellectual property please see below just a tiny fraction of what the manuscript includes….

Windows Blow Me!

Hardware device, straw-like, connected to phono socket. The software allows users to blow into the device to have hours of fun altering photos and images. I am currently working on the Suck Me software. Not quite sure what it will do yet.

MS Word Thesis Seeker:

Coding addition to MS Word. When users open the thesis template and type in their title the program automatically searches the internet for similar thesis titles the user can download and modify and make his own. Users can differentiate between BA, MA and Doctoral theses to maximize searches.

CTL/ALT/F12/TAB/ESC/DEL/PRNTSCR/HOME:

Shortcut to desktop.

Keyboard Changes:

The Windows Key, instead of bringing up the Start Menu (which, let’s face it, is a complete waste of time) instead produces a popup menu with e-Bay/ PayPal and Messenger shortcuts with two other empty slots for sale to brand names who can afford to be included in the release. Microsoft could also sell these keys for a slice of the online sales action generated by them. Cool huh!

DBA Key:

The DBA key will be the old right Alt (which only sad gamers use). Its function will be like that of a gadget but the gadget will be the user’s live bank account balance details with suggested items for purchase daily. DBA means Don’t Buy Apple (you’re welcome) and so said products should be from whatever other range or business partnership MS may be involved in.

WTF Key:

Now we all know what WTF means but I propose taking the exclamation and putting it to positive use. The WTF Key, in my updated Windows version (I call it Windows Intifada) will eliminate the need for much printed and voice technical support. In the event of a failed boot or a blue screen the user presses the WTF key and a voice (Indian or Pakistani is more cost effective I know) talks the user through the problem’s stages and suggests solutions.

Clever huh! If the user fails to find a solution then you can sell them the instruction manual using the DBA key and a modem connection.

Well Bill, as you can see the Outlook is good for Windows Intifada. I give you my Word I will Excel at everything I do and knowing your propensity for pouncing on a great business idea please immediately wire aforementioned 50% to me through money transfer to Access what will no doubt be a fruitful relationship.

Sincerely

Sno T Geek

Nerdsville, Stanford

Begging Letter to Clint Eastwood

2011-08-26T04:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Clint Eastwood,

Respect dude!

You are my favorite movie director and I have been a fan for many years.

Is Hilary Swank really a man?

You know I cried when you pulled the plug on her in that movie. Isn’t it funny how things change! Time was you’d have shot her in the head to put her out of her misery. I guess you’ve grown as a person as you’ve aged. Oh! And whenever you see Gene Hackman will you thank him for me for beating the shit out of Richard Harris in Unforgiven? I’d wanted to do that for years.

Now you’ll never believe this but my doctor recently told me I was suffering from Clint Eastwood Syndrome! Have you ever heard of it? You must have surely. It turns out that any male who requires a bottom enhancement from a plastic surgeon is deemed to have CES. You see I Clint, like you, am thin (though you are taller) and I have been the butt (‘scuse the pun) of many jokes about the fact that I simply have no ass.

All my life people have made fun of me, calling me such horrible names as Stan Laurel and Eminem and Steve Jobs so after many years of suffering I finally took action and had my problem formally diagnosed. The only thing now is to pay the $10,000 to have my ass newly sculpted. Of course I’m not you; I don’t have that kind of money - but seeing as how the illness is named after you how would you feel about paying for my surgery?

You’d never think this Clint but when I went to the clinic they had a whole book of asses to choose from! You could select from a range of bottom styles starting with a little cutie Justin Timberlake and then moving across the spectrum to the more homely and broad Brian Dennehy right up to the enormous and deadly Cecil the Entertainer. I chose the Brad Pitt. It’s full of character and it’s just the right shade of ghostly white.

Now I wouldn’t ask you to give me this money for nothing. You and I could find some way for me to repay you, if not in cold, hard cash then maybe I could sell advertising space on my newly formed butt cheeks and we could promote your new movies as they come out. You’ll no doubt agree that this would be a great opportunity in the future should you ever direct movies with such titles as Dirty Hairy or High Plains Sphincter. And should you ever decide to run for political office again I’d happily attend functions and have your name tattooed on my butt (just your first name mind!) to show my support.

Well Clint I’ve heard many times how you have a very big heart so I hope you’ll consider this request and wire me some money sooner rather than later because I’ve just seen your latest picture and you frankly don’t look like you’re gonna be with us a whole lot longer.

But you know what? There’s gonna be a great big party for you in the sky man. You’ve done three lifetimes’ work.

Sincerely,

Stanley Rubric

Flatcheeks, Alabama

Begging Letter to Pope Benedict

2011-08-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Pope Benedict,

How the hell are you?

I hope everything is well there in Vatican City and that your subjects are paying their taxes on time.

I am writing to make you an offer as my three sons and I have lost the struggle to survive in this awful, present economy. We are an honest, God-fearing family who believe you can do no wrong and for that reason I propose leasing you my children for the remainder of their childhoods. I know you will take care of them and the money you send will help me as I approach middle-age.

So what is it you would be getting?

Tommy is seven and quite shy. In fact, it’s impossible to get him to tell a secret! Such a headstrong boy! But he’s a great worker and likes to keep things clean so if you had any priest who needs things polishing then Tommy would definitely be the one for him. The only problem with Tommy is he likes a big bed; he refuses to sleep in a single bed. Such a child! He spends a lot of time each day on his knees in prayer. Your staff will like him.

James is nine and quite the sportsman! He’s always rubbing baby oil on his legs and torso to accentuate his developing muscles. He does have a speech problem in that his pronunciation is quite dreadful so no one understands a word he says! But he is a grafter and quick on the uptake. There is one embarrassing habit he possesses; he never leaves the old John Hancock alone! But many boys are like that I’m sure you know. No doubt you cold assign him to someone and they could assist each other; James could run errands and the priest could help him with his oral work and his Hancock fixation.

Henry is eleven and the cleverest of the three. When he was just ten he informed me that one day he would be a man. Deep huh! The question is what kind of man will he be? Sometimes he gets angry, especially with girls – he hates girls – and such is his anger that he puts his entire fist in his mouth to stop himself yelling! He is a member of Fundamentalist Young People for Priests and he recently wrote a song entitled It’s a Lie, Priests Don’t Suck which he naively entered in a secular song contest. The only other thing about Henry you might like to know is that his style of dress is quite unusual. He wears short pants all year round because, he says, they are more accommodating.

These are my dear kids your holiness and I give them to you for a token ten thousand dollars each knowing that when they leave you at eighteen they will be fine young men, well-adjusted and ready to take on the world in all its complexity.

I know this because you are infallible.

Please forward money transfer of $30,000 and add $1,000 extra per child for air fares etc.

Sincerely

Neil Beforme

Baldchest, Indiana