The Survivor Manual

New Survivor Manual

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 15:04:14 PDT

We finally have our new http://www.survivormanual.com/ up! We are moving all posts, articles and contributors over to that site. Come join us!

Survivor Manual is an ongoing online magazine inspiring and empowering all survivors of abuse to heal and lead joyful lives! It is growing daily and will continue. Thank you for living joyfully, healing and sharing that joy with others.

Angela

Book on sex crimes against children

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:50:07 PDT

http://littlehostages.blogspot.com

Rhode Island taxpayers have contributed an enormous sum to wage a war that most of us know nothing about. The systems our state established to protect children have instead subjected many to danger and trauma that will profoundly shape the rest of their lives. Who will help to build public awareness and political consensus to protect children from those who prey on them or who profit from their abuse? How should government respond in ways that are transparent and accountable?

2009 books on sex crimes against children

Finding Butch

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 17:59:12 PDT

http://findingbutch.com/

This is about survival and it is not about revenge. Telling my story allows me to vent and it is very therapeutic. I needed to step up to the plate and tell my story so I can protect others from the same experience. I don’t want sympathy; however, I just want to tell my story to a large audience and maybe (just maybe), I can protect one child from the sexual abuse that I suffered.

Ron Tebo

Trauma Stewardship

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 22:32:18 PDT

http://www.traumastewardship.com/

Anyone who works with traumatized people can be caught in the grip of anxiety, irritability, or overwhelming sadness. By shutting out those feelings, you may sink into emotional numbness. You wish for wise words and a fresh perspective. You long for an understanding heart. You can find all that and more in Laura van Dernoot Lipsky’s terrific book. What could be more useful to a beleaguered trauma worker than this kit bag of straight talk, wisdom, practical ideas and delightful doses of humor? Trauma Stewardship can be read straight through or picked up as needed for 15 minutes a day. Either way, it will get you through the hard times. It will help you feel better and work smarter. No trauma worker should be without it.

GINNY NICARTHY
counselor, educator, and author of Getting Free: You Can
End Abuse and Take Back Your Life.
Seattle, Washington, USA

Warrior Workshop - Sunday Sept 13th!

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 09:40:18 PDT

http://www.aweber.com/b/1mZGc

Live Warrior Workshop on Sunday, Sept 13th

I will be in New Jersey this Sunday the 13th from

5:30-7:30 Eastern time, 4:30-6:30 Central Time, 3:30-5:30 Mountain time,

2:30-4:30 Pacific Time and 1:30-3:30 Alaska time.

at the HEAR New Brunswick Radio Station to teach a Warrior Workshop with

the new Warrior Workbook. The event will be broadcast live online

via Ustream - http://www.ustream.tv/channel/angela-shelton-show

You can watch and participate online via my Ustream Show.

Once I record the live show you will be able to share it with your friends.

Order tickets to come in person via Eventbrite:

http://angelasheltonworkshop0909-efbevent.eventbrite.com

You will need to download the Warrior Workbook to attend the

workshop in person or watch it online. Download it via the Yahoo

Store for 4.99. After the event on Sunday, the price goes up to 9.99 so

order it asap!

The new Warrior Workbook just came out and it is already being

used as teaching tools with therapists, support groups and

community education programs.

Check out the FACEBOOK Event too and please share it with your

friends. Those of you who are teachers, therapists, support group leaders

and or professors please send me testimonials about how you use

the workbook. If you are a survivor or a loved one please let me

know how the workbook has helped you.

Please become a fan of Angela Shelton and Survivor Manual on Facebook!

I will also be starting conversations on http://seesmic.tv/angelashelton

My Body Belongs to Me

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 10:32:47 PDT

http://www.mybodybelongstome.com/

My Body Belongs to Me is the critically acclaimed book by New York City child abuse and sex crimes prosecutor Jill Starishevsky.

Using her decade of experience, Ms. Starishevsky has crafted a book that speaks to children - it makes them aware that when it comes to their bodies, there are boundaries. It assures them that it’s OK to tell a parent or teacher if someone touches their “private parts.”

Geared toward children ages 3-10, it tells the story of a child who is touched by an uncle's friend and tells a parent. Children will respond to the rhyming text and bright illustrations. Parents and educators will find it a vital tool to initiate a lifesaving dialogue.

Free Meditation

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 06:10:21 PDT

http://freemeditation.us/

Better to learn to meditate and quite the mind than say anything negative to yourself ever again! Having good thoughts in your head about yourself and others is free and so is this site.

False Memories, RA, and speaking out!

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 05:59:34 PDT

http://asurvivorsthoughtsonlife.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/here-i-sit/

Way to go!

Watch the new version of Searching for Angela Shelton for FREE!

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 12:38:04 PDT

You can now watch the new version of Searching for Angela Shelton and embed it in your own website or blog!

http://www.snagfilms.com/films/title/searching_for_angela_shelton/

Special

noreply@blogger.com (Jennifer Torres) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 23:39:18 PDT

Left alone, wet diaper staining the floorboards
I cried and cried and cried
until I stopped.

Without love, without hugs, so cold
I turned inward to seek something else:
to make myself special.

Pain shattered my baby mind
into a thousand bits
'We'll make you special,' said the bits.

They took me to the underworld
fed me pomegranate seeds and mead
and danced around me in the dark.

'We're here to keep bad people bad,' said the bits
and they put me on a pedestal
and crowned me Queen of Hell.

I was their flashlight in the gloom
with batteries that never died,
though I wanted to.

I stood on my pedestal
shackled by the throat
my crown bejeweled, so special.

Singing my soft song: 'I bravely go
where only darkness grows,'
song of the bird in the gilded cage.

The bits became magnets
to draw in fear and rape
they split and grew many, grew into an army.

My bird soul battered
against its cage of gold,
its special cage. So special.

'Be free or die,' sang the bird soul
'Die,' said the bits
'Be Free,' said I.

Be Free. And with those words
the child's spell was broken,
the Queen of Hell threw off her shackle.

Her image fell to pieces, jeweled crown shattered
Her light went into my heart
the army of bits stood down.

The little bird flew.
The little bird sang.
Just an ordinary bird.
A bird like all others.
Nothing special.

Love Box

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 08:34:53 PDT

I just got a great email from a survivor I met at the last college I spoke at. Here's what she said:

OH and I took your advice about loving yourself more. I made a shoebox and decorated it, it is now the LOVE box. It sounds silly but every day or multiple times a day I write a little note about something I did that was fun, or something i liked about myself. Just today I wrote down something I said that was witty.

Now that is cool! I love the LOVE BOX! Make one for yourself.

TOTALLY Kimleigh!

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:30:29 PST

Click to Play

Day of Service Call

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 09:14:17 PST

http://angelashelton.com/audio/DayofService_011909.mp3

In honor of our new first lady's national call to service - Monday, Jan 19th on Martin Luther King Day, I did a free hour of empowerment to women nationwide that you can now listen to anytime.

Listen to the call anytime.

Everything you do affects everything else so do well for yourself and others! This national service call was presented by The Angela Shelton Foundation. http://angelashelton.org/

You can now watch and download the NEW official version of Searching for Angela Shelton on Amazon!

The hard copy DVD is having the Spanish subtitles put on it right now! We were held up because I made a censored and uncensored version so you can use it in your church groups and in your schools. For those of you who speak Spanish please help me spread the word about the Spanish DVD! Contact me if you'd like to volunteer to help at armyofangels@angelashelton.com.

Run and Rally to Stop the Silence

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 09:11:38 PST

Join us!! Register for the Run and Rally to Stop the Silence: Stop Child Sexual Abuse (www.stopcsa.org/Race), April 19, 2009 in West Potomac Park, Washington, D.C. The Run is an upbeat, educational event that includes a 5K run, a 1K kids' run, music, motivational speeches, organizational booths, fun and games for the kids, a raffle with great prizes, the Guardians of Children and Bikers Against Child Abuse of Gettysburg, and more. We are inviting registration at this time (encourage your friends and colleagues and families), and we are seeking help with PR and outreach (contact Pamela Pine, ppine@stopcsa.org), volunteers for the day of (see the Web site), and speakers (survivors and their supporters), as well as help in other ways.

The Survivor's Club

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 08:24:36 PST

The Survivor's Club
http://www.thesurvivorsclub.org/

Healing Sex Gives Survivors the Confidence to Open Up

noreply@blogger.com (Holly Ord) — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:15:44 PST

A great deal of survivors tend to have a difficult time with closeness with another person, finding themselves having to teach themselves boundaries and when any of us run into a little trouble and need help, there are shelves full of psychological insight, self help books, audio books, films and so on at our disposal. Healing Sex is a DVD that at first glance, you would think is just like the rest of the “self help” market, but once you watch it, it has the potential to really change your life and the way you look at intimacy.

Staci Haines has vast experience as a workshop leader and somatic practitioner and presents hands on exercises for you to practice either alone or with your partner for battling a lot of hurdles that survivors deal with when it comes to intimacy, such as disassociating during sex which I, as well as a great deal of survivors I speak with now have had problems with in our adult lives. Haines welcomes you into her workshops and one-on-one sessions and works with people to help them set boundaries in relationships and intimacy and teaches them how to express their desires, likes and dislikes. She gives us so much knowledge and draws upon her extensive experience to present educational and often triggering material in a comfortable and accessible way that will make you actually want to open up to your partner, now that you know how.

This DVD did wonders for me. I absolutely loved the way in which the material was presented and I especially loved that Haines doesn’t think, act or teach with the sense of false hope that she is a miracle worker. Healing from any kind of trauma takes a long time and a great deal of dedicated, hard work and the effects of childhood sexual assault have a tendency to follow survivors throughout their entire lives. This film shows you realistic ways to cope with your past and your present in terms of intimacy and overall relationships.

Call Angela Shelton on Mon Jan 19th, 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 08:06:05 PST

In honor of our new first lady's national call to service - this Monday, Jan 19th on Martin Luther King Day, I am going to provide a free hour of empowerment to women nationwide.

Those of you who saw my Vote For Change video during the election campaign know how much I love Michelle Obama. When she calls us to be of service I stand at attention. What I did not see on the list were ways to be of service to women and children's issues. You know me - I can't keep my big mouth shut so instead of complaining about it we are solution oriented! While I'm at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City Utah I'm going to talk live to women across the nation. I'll talk for about an hour and 20 minutes beginning at 12 noon Pacific time, 1pm Mountain Time, and 3pm Eastern time. The Dial-in Number is: 1-309-946-5000 and the access code is: 767721. On the call I will be continuing my mission of inspiring and empowering all survivors to heal and lead joyful lives by sharing ways to be of service in your community by helping women and children. Call in and listen! We will put it up on the site afterward.

http://obeygiant.com/voteforchange/angela-shelton/

Everything you do affects everything else so do well for yourself and others! This national service call is presented by The Angela Shelton Foundation. http://angelashelton.org/

Angela Shelton

A cesspool of lies and corruption... or just Family Court?

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 08:37:53 PST

In⋅fil⋅trate
/ɪnˈfɪltreɪt, ˈɪnfɪlˌtreɪt/
verb, -trat⋅ed, -trat⋅ing, noun
–verb (used with object)
1. to filter into or through; permeate.
2. to cause to pass in by filtering.
3. to move into (an organization, country, territory, or the like) surreptitiously and gradually, esp. with hostile intent: The troops infiltrated the enemy lines.
4. to pass a small number of (soldiers, spies, or the like) into a territory or organization clandestinely and with hostile or subversive intent: The intelligence agency infiltrated three spies into the neighboring country.
–verb (used without object)

I just got back from speaking, as I do every year, at the Battered Mother’s Custody Conference. It is an emotional kick in the gut to attend. This year was not as heartbreaking as past years though, I must say. I sensed a shift happening. Instead of seeing each story as an isolated incident, the mothers now understand that one story is everyone’s story, they understand that the Family Court system has been infiltrated by the other side. There are dirty judges, Guardian Ad Litems, custody evaluators, and court appointed therapists who do the most hideous of acts that can leave you scratching your head in sheer wonder.

Why are so many child rapists and abusers being granted sole custody of the children they torture? Why are an average of 58,000 children handed over to their rapists while their protective mothers (and some fathers) are held in contempt for trying to protect them? These questions seem absurd, don’t they? But when you have heard thousands of the stories as I have, you begin to see a pattern. This is not the story of some “angry divorcee” seeking revenge on his or her ex for dating younger. This is a systematic infiltration of perpetrators into the Family Court system with the sole purpose of owning and controlling children for their own sexual and financial gain. Yes, you heard me. Go rip the roofs off of every Family Court across America and you will begin to see a pattern of absurdity. The problem is that the court is closed to the public because it is a “family matter.” Oh really? Isn’t the protection of children all of our concern as a nation?

When the Guardian Ad Litems are meant to protect kids but suggest they be given to their abusive fathers instead, when Family Court judges rule that the abusive father is more stable and the mother is too emotional, when the court appointed therapists report that a bleeding anus (hate to be so crude but it’s true) “must have been caused by the child herself”, and when custody evaluators (with no real training) say that a “fractured skull and torn hymen are caused by normal child’s play” and the father’s access to the children is more important than the abuse – you begin to think you are in a movie about the Stepford Wives. You are! Why, you ask? Why?? Because they are making money on child rape and child porn! That’s why. They are trading kids, torturing kids, taking pictures and videos and they are making billions of dollars. Do you think if you were making billions of dollars that you would protect that outlet to money and infiltrate the system that gives you control of the children? It is not rocket science and it is not some crazy conspiracy theory – it is a system analyze. Watch it become uncovered in the next few years. Watch as more Family Court issues are kept out of Criminal Court where they belong. Watch as we Americans are kept further and further away from the inner workings of Family Court. Watch. But there will be a fight.

I’ve seen and heard these stories for years. I have shed the tears, crawled into a ball, wailed and stared at the horizon wondering what in the world can be done. What can be done when the protective mothers (and some fathers) are bled dry by legal bills and given no power to fight the beast? What can be done when people like myself who find out about it dedicate their time and energy to helping people to at least heal and then get hit with death threats? What can be done when the perpetrators’ organizations sue therapists and lawyers who are working to help the children? What can be done when the organizations posing to protect kids are actually facilitating the trafficking of them?

You catch them. You keep up the fight. You infiltrate right back. You protect your children. You become a warrior. You unite with others. You never give up.

I heard a few very inspiring stories this weekend – some I myself told to bring some joy and levity to the conference. One story I heard made me leap up in celebration. One of the little girls who had been wrenched away from her mother when she was four was at the conference. She is now 22 years old. She and her brother were handed over to her abusive father after the court order from the judge. She told us about how she fought back, begged and wailed that she didn’t want to go and that her father hurt them. The Guardian Ad Litem whispered, “I know” in her ear as he ripped her away from her mother to drive her to her father. Now she speaks out about the corruption of Family Court and how children are not being listened to. “If you didn’t listen to me when I was four, maybe you’ll listen to me now that I’m twenty-two.”

She told an amazing story about how her mother never lost faith and continued to research ways to protect her children. She had all of her paperwork in order from every filed petition to the court to every letter to her children. (Ladies, your paperwork is of supreme importance! And God bless you lawyers out there who work on these cases.) The mother was only allowed supervised visits since the father had been awarded full custody. During the visits the children would lift their shirts and show their mother the welts they had on their bodies from the beatings from their father only to have the visitation supervisor tell them that they were not allowed to do that and if they continued to do that they would not even be allowed to hug their mother. So the kids shut up and stopped showing the bruises but got to hug their mother. They would hug her and whisper pleas for her to come get them. They let their mother know that their father left them alone most of the time and they told her which days.

The mother made a plan. Then she got her kids and she fled the country. She sought and won asylum in Holland. They have lived there for 14 years now. The FBI found them 2 years ago and the mother was ordered back to the United States and forced to admit that she was in contempt of the court. This is what she said – “I admit to having contempt for the court that did not protect my children.” I love that woman.

Kidnapping is a crime and I am not advocating that the mothers do their research, get their paperwork in order, and do that. What I am saying is that you must know that you are dealing with an extremely corrupt system. PAS = Perpetrators Aligning Strategically

If the mothers run with their kids, since kidnapping is a crime, they will be tracked down by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. I know the National Center is supposed to be there to protect kids but when they see “kidnap” that’s all they see and then they lead the perps right to the children who are afraid of them. Kidnapping is a crime and so is murder.

The corruption runs deep and is so sickening that I have spoken about it for years – but I’m speaking to the choir. There are always perpetrators sent in to see what we say at these conferences. There are perps that read this newsletter too and come to hear me speak. I take it as a compliment – obviously I must be hitting a nerve.

"Whoso shall offend one of these little ones... it were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." - the Bible, Matthew Chapter 18

May you rapists crash and die as you drive your cars off cliffs.

Believe me I know all about the women who beat their husbands too and the women sociopaths who harass and abuse men. I’m not talking about those cases. I’m talking about the cesspool that is called the Family Court system.

To those in the system who are feeling so overwhelmed, alone, lost and frustrated – please let the story of the mother who got her kids to safety in Holland be a comfort and an inspiration. Another woman did the same in New Zealand btw. The charges were eventually dropped against the mother and her children are happy and healthy. Instead of breaking the law – do your research and get your paperwork in order and fight the system. We are not too far from the days when the gavel hit and we women were burned at the stake for nonsensical reasons. Women need to continue to bond and protect their children, and the good men need to keep coming forward and speaking out about this in the face of these non-human serpents who are getting rich by torturing children.

May all of you who are in the midst of the chaos have your pathways lit brightly, your pockets lined with money and food in your bellies as you work to protect kids. Thank you. Please order Wendy Murphy’s book – And Justice For Some to understand more about the system of dirty lawyers and judges.

Perps profiting from their crimes

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 07:30:23 PST

I just learned about the Never Again Foundation!

The Never Again Foundation is a non profit charity that gives legal assistance to families of victims killed by domestic violence. They help and guide you through probate to legally obtain the assets. They also file legal notices and lawsuits to disqualify the killer as an heir. Their mission is to prevent all killers from financially profiting from causing death, and instead fight to have the assets go to the rightful and appropriate family members of the victim.

Yippee! Fight back and have the perps never again profit!

January 5-11 is Women's Self-Empowerment Week!

noreply@blogger.com (Holly Ord) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 01:55:41 PST

Self-empowerment is one of the most important as well as most difficult things to implement into our everyday lives, especially in people who have been through abuse and trauma. During traumatic events we are stripped of our self esteem and our self respect and during the healing process we have to learn to re-teach ourselves our own self worth, which begins with embracing self care. Who knew that something as simple as taking care of ourselves, physically as well as emotionally, could be so hard; but it is for many people and while giving ourselves the respect, courtesy and empowerment that we need in our everyday lives may be difficult and in some cases may even seem impossible, what we gain from that self care far exceeds anything else that we can do for ourselves.

Like I said, empowerment and self care are incredibly difficult at times to implement into our everyday lives so this week is the perfect time to focus on how you can easily add a little self empowerment into your life. This week is all about the women and taking care of ourselves, giving ourselves the nurture that we need and not being afraid to spend a little time on ourselves. Sure, while Women’s Self-Empowerment Week will (publicly) end on January 11, do not stop there! I know just as well as everyone else that life sometimes gets in the way and we may go days without giving ourselves a few moments to reflect on who we are and why we’re amazing. I try to give myself a good hour of “happy time,” I call it, a day. One hour that is completely mine, shared with no one, to do what I wish and I highly suggest that you all do the same; it can do wonders for your mind because being stressed about work or home or children or whatever it is that you find yourself stressed out about all the time, is not good for your mind or your body.

This week is also the time to let all of the amazing women in your lives know how you feel about them. Let them know how much they mean to you and why they are amazing women.

How will you celebrate Women’s Self-Empowerment Week?

Drum For Life

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 10:41:50 PST

Click to Play

Drum for Life

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 19:55:52 PST

I just met Christine Stevens from UpBeat Drum Circles and thought you would love her. For those of you dealing with the holiday headaches and heartaches check out her healing drum kit!

We should bring a few of those to the Army of Angels Conference in March! I'll add a video of this shortly but wanted to give you her site so you could check her out. She is going to Iraq in April for the 3rd time to do a healing drum circle. Wow.

Army of Angels: Get Allies in your Healing !

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah Elise Stauffer) — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 11:57:55 PST

Army of Angels: Get Allies in your Healing !

The Angela Shelton Foundation

noreply@blogger.com (Angela Shelton) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 12:26:58 PST

The Angela Shelton Foundation was given to me for my birthday 5 years ago by a man who loved me dearly and wanted to see my name and work live on past my death. After all my work with non profits and witnessing the chaos that comes with them, I let the foundation sit until it became clear what it should work on to fulfill my mission of inspiring and empowering all survivors to heal and lead joyful lives. I didn't want to reinvent the wheel or create more unnecessary paperwork. Now that I am out of the darkness of facing, healing, and dealing with a painful past and moving beyond pain, beyond forgiveness and boldly into a joyful productive life - things have become very clear and all the right people seem to show up at the most perfect moment too!

Now the Angela Shelton Foundation is taking over The Survivor Manual! The board members have discussed it and agreed that expanding my brain child of sharing all information about healing through the manual is imperative. So the Manual will be expanding soon to include many more valuable avenues to healing and joy.

The other major thing that helped me the most has been my magical house on the hill. It has been a sanctuary for me during the most difficult and the most joyous of times. Many people have come here to have catharsis, to purge, to heal and to rejoice. As I move forward in my life with my new projects and literally move up the hill, I am working on donating my house to the foundation so it can continue to be an artist-in-residence and healing center. That is awesome!

The Survivor Manual is now run by the Angela Shelton Foundation. You can write off your donations! The Survivor Manual is FREE but if you found any of the information, videos, or resources helpful please help this project continue by sending your support:

When You Get There

noreply@blogger.com (Sarah Elise Stauffer) — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:57:36 PST

When you get there, it will not look like healing. There, where exactly is that? There, where are we going? There, she says, as if it exists on a map. THIS WAY TO INCEST HEALING. RAPE GOES AWAY THIS EXIT. There, there, as in, to the place of new Earth. You have never been here before, away from the evil of your so called elders, unenmeshed from the black-widow-spun-incest-web. This is healing. It is barren at first. You will look out over the land and think to yourself, why am I here, where there is nothing? It hurts. It is scary. You will feel alone. Maybe you will feel nothing as you approach the precipice. You will jump, free falling. You must jump, girl. Jump into that nothingness you see, feel, and hear.

Nothing. Upon landing, you will turn around and see the demons retreat. You will be free. Lonely, yes, aching, yes, but free. Yes, free of lies, of intergenerational poison. Free of Daddy, with his raping heart, Mother who took flight, others who deemed you unseen, unheard. But this is not nothing, this unexplored place. There is YOU. You are never nothing.

But when you get there, it can feel and look like nothing, you may want to run into the past, cling back to the old tree vines, rotten and slick as they are, for fear of this seemingly barren nothingness.

But, if you listen deep and hard and still, you will hear it, you will feel it;

something….

You are a human seed. You are life springing anew. You are the reason. At first this uncharted territory is blindingly lonely, you look for Proust’s new eyes to guide you, Maya’s strength to rise, Alice’s purple fields to speak to you. Where is everything? You are the first, woman. You are the roots, the branches, the trunk, the rings within the body, the sap, the bark armor.

At first, it looks like fucking Chernobyl, so vastly damaged. But your eyes become newer all the time, your strength rises toward the sun daily, and in the long, slow future, purple blossoms. Life herself is what you are.

Grow your new tree. Your soil is beautiful, your seedlings whole, babies bursting into Earth like light through a prism, all miraculous color and light and reflective. You are a pioneer, Woman, you have led yourself through a quaking terror so sharp and piercing most would have given up, given in, gone along, saying,” There is no other pill to take, so I swallow the one that made me ill.” But not YOU, for you are life herself. YOU are never nothing. The trees know this, as do your children and spirits yet to be your children. The light kissed dawn knows this, you are surely something, surely within you a teeming garden awaits germination, the robust, fully grown oak tree within the acorn. THERE, that’s where ‘there’ it is. There lives in YOU. That child inside of you, the one you were, sacred and innocent, curious and free, THERE is the place you are going. And You will know the wonder of it all, when you get there.