Do your conversations with your daughter ever seem like a litany of corrections and instructions? Perhaps they sound like this: “Did you brush your teeth?” Please don’t provoke your brother!” “Your softball uniform is on the dryer.”

With school, sports, recitals, holidays, and church programs- in our case, for five children- life can easily spin out of control. Survival became our goal because everyone in the family was moving so fast. Communication became utilitarian, and relationships were sometimes strained.

So many nights I fell into bed and couldn’t remember a single meaningful word I said to my kids all day. It started to bother me. I felt as if my only role as a parent was to bark out basic instructions as my family flew by. I craved deeper conversations with my kids. I craved a connection.

I felt so guilty. I was missing opportunities to praise and encourage my kids because I was too busy reminding and instructing. In my desire to make sure we got everything done right-including getting to school on time-I was squelching the sweetness and joy God intended for our relationship.

Enough was enough.f by writing to them. Every time I caught them doing something right or observed that they needed kind words I wrote to them. I placed it on the child’s pillow and waited for him or her to write back. The back and forth became years of connection and deeper conversations.

Today you can connect with your kids in the same way. Mark and I want to share From Me to You with you! A journal to pass back and forth, filled with questions and inspiration. Start today with your child and see how it impacts your relationship. You will never regret a day using From Me to You with your child. Here are 4 benefits:

1. No more guilt about missed relationship opportunities.

That’s right; no longer do you have to worry about missing an opportunity to encourage your child because you are caught up in the chaos of schedules. No matter how busy your day gets, your child will get to read your heartfelt words before drifting off to sleep.

2. More opportunities for open communication with your child.

Is your child an introvert, or maybe just a boy who has difficulty verbalizing his emotions? Maybe your daughter is wanting advice on something but is nervous to see your reaction. From Me to You provides a pathway to communicate about any topic, without pressure, judgment, or fear. If your kids aren’t asking you, they are getting answers from someone else. Let it be you.

3. Discussion of deeper topics that may not come up in normal conversation.

Kids pick up a lot of muddled information from school hallways to YouTube and beyond. They are naturally curious but often hesitant to ask for clarification. Left alone, truth becomes muddled in the minds of our young children. Journaling often reveals spots of confusion and presents an opportunity for discussion.

4. A keepsake of developing thoughts, experiences, and personalities.

Memories are fleeting. The journals provide a lasting keepsake of your child’s development as well as a keepsake of their relationship with you. You and your kids will treasure them!

What’s not to love? Moms, grab your journals here.

or

Enter for a chance to WIN a copy of From Me to You by leaving a comment below.  Let me know if you want a copy for your son or your daughter. I am giving away 3 copies! {We’ll randomly select 3 winners and email notifications to each one by Friday, April 12.}

We arrived at school, the kids got out the car, and I drove away, marveling that Megan had put into practice what we had discussed. I was so excited and wanted to encourage her to continue being patient with her siblings. 

Then my excitement turned pensive. I began to worry that I would forget to praise her after school. I knew I would be distracted getting all the kids where they needed to be, finishing homework, preparing dinner…you know the drill. But I was not going to miss this opportunity to encourage her. I drove home and immediately wrote her a long note of praise and left it on her pillow. Why are indelible words on paper often more powerful than fleeting comments?

This is where our From Me to You journals idea came to life! Today, I am thrilled to share the From Me to You Conversation Journals with you! The journals helped me build a deeper connection with my children. Writing back and forth with my kids has opened a window to their hearts and gave me great peace about no longer missing parenting opportunities. The journals provide a great way for you to share positive words of encouragement your child can read over and over.

And when you use the journals to encourage, it gives your kids courage.

So, make encouraging words and phrases a part of your daily vocabulary, sprinkle them all throughout your journal! Need some help? Check out the Encouraging Words List, Bookmarks and Stickers below to get started!

When your children have questions about life, where do they turn for answers?

Google? Alexa? Friends? Or you?

Our kids have more access to information than ever before. They’ve grown up with the Internet, social media, and now Alexa and they have access all day. And they may be more comfortable or trust online advice more than they do talking to you!

This realization became a reality for me when an 11-year-old girl emailed us here at iMOM. She was concerned about her parent’s marriage. She searched online and found an iMOM article, “Is This the Root Cause of Your Marriage Problems?” She thought it would help her mother and emailed us about it. She apologized that she was only 11 (but almost 12) and asked us if we would send the information to her mother.

What fascinated me was that she took the initiative to research on her mother’s behalf but didn’t go to her mother directly. Are we losing our connection with our kids? Do they feel more comfortable reaching out to strangers in the “box” than their own family?

Technology can be so amazingly helpful; however, it is not relational. Your child is growing up surrounded by technology. If you want to stay more connected to your child than their devices you are going to have to work at it. Here’s how to get your kids to turn to you instead:

1. Stay connected.

It all starts here. If we have a strong relationship with our children, they’ll feel more comfortable coming to us and want to come to us. So be available. When your kids are around, try to put your screen away because it’s just one more barrier they have to get through to reach you. They might think to themselves, “Oh, mom’s on her phone, she’ll ask me to wait if I go up to her.”

Spend time with your kids when both of you are off your screens. Make the golden hours times of real connection—in the morning, after school, and at bedtime.

2. You bring up the topic.

Your kids might want to ask you how to make friends, what to do if you’re shy, or when should a teenager have sex. But if they feel awkward asking, they will ask Google instead.

Start conversations about touchy topics casually and regularly. When your kids do ask you questions, avoid saying things like, “Why do you want to know that? You should know that! You’re too young to know.” Use our conversation printables or our Q & U app to make questions fun.

3. Give them alternatives.

Give your kids options for where to turn—you, a grandparent, a teacher, books. Or, the next time they zoom to their computer or Alexa to get an answer, playfully say, “Freeze!” Then, ask them how you two can find the answer without going to the Internet.

4. Show them how to question.

Tell your kids that everything they find online isn’t necessarily true. Explain to them that most of what’s written online is someone’s opinion, or an attempt to prompt them to take action like buying something or clicking on a link. Show them how to find legitimate sites.

This is especially important when it comes to sex. Pornography and even non-porn articles about sex and social media posts make certain things seem normal, so kids think that that’s what’s expected. Keep talking about your views and the morals on which you base them.

iGen kids often feel like they’re on their own. So hug your iGen children today and tell them they can come to you at any time and with any question they have. Tell them they don’t need the Internet when they have you—the original iMOM!!

This past Sunday in church my pastor shared a quote that made everyone laugh, but it’s actually really, really sad. He told us that Prince Edward of England was quoted as saying, “The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.”

Ugh! Is this true? Possibly, I meet moms every day who are frustrated that they can’t get their kids to behave. Perhaps kids don’t behave because we just don’t have the time anymore to give consistent consequences. When there aren’t any consequences kids learn that no matter what they do they get away with it. They’ve figured out how to wear mom down and get what they want. In the end, mom really obeys them!

I’m rooting for moms to make a comeback! It is happening, perhaps that is why our most popular page on iMOM.com is 21 Creative Consequences. I haven’t tried them all. Some are really creative but they gave me lots of ideas. The trick is to create a consequence that the child can associate with the behavior. For some kids, it only takes one consequence to remind them to avoid the behavior forever. For some, like 2 of my 5 kids, you may have to get more creative. Some kids are so passionate about things that they are willing to risk it and do it again. 

These are the 3 questions I ponder before choosing behavioral consequences:

1. Was this the first time or more?

Usually the first time I explain why they need to behave differently. After that, I try to create a consequence to teach them.

 Example: One of my sons left his dirty clothes all over the floor. They would just pile up in heaps around the room. It happened often and makes it impossible to clean his room. I would make him go in and clean up. But it was not changing his behavior. So one day, I bagged up all the clothes on the floor and put them in the trunk of my car. It didn’t take long for him to run out and get mad. He got them back and had to spend the day washing, folding, and putting them away.   

In this example, my son was not taking responsibility for his belongings and creating work for me when I had to clean his messy room. 

2. What was the child’s attitude?

Sometimes the child is just being careless. This is common in younger children or children that are easily distracted. Sometimes the child is being intentionally disobedient which is more concerning—it is a heart problem. 

Example: One of my boys liked video games. I would call him for dinner and he would keep playing. He was intentionally ignoring me. He was being disrespectful because he cared more for his game than for his family and the dinner he was holding up. I would let it go once but if it happened again, I would box up the Xbox and put it away, indefinitely. When I noticed that he was responsive and obeyed the first time in other things it would magically appear again.

3. Was the behavior risky?

Risky behavior must be addressed quickly for safety. Some kids don’t have a fear factor and some just get too physical with other kids. Whichever it is, intentional or impulsive, they have to learn self-control or someone will get hurt. If they love the trampoline but get too creative on it, like one of mine, they lose the privilege sometimes for months. Or if they are too physical and get rough, like one of mine, they run laps around the block to take that energy down to a controllable level. Sometimes for miles, my son became a cross-country athlete from consequences! We laugh about it now.

There is so much more we could explore on this subject. For more ideas, check out this video and this printable to calculate the consequences with your child.

I’m leading a small group on Genesis, so I’ve been reading a lot about the Patriarchs and, in particular, Jacob. At the end of his life, Jacob blessed each of his 12 sons, but some of the blessings weren’t what we would normally consider a blessing. He laid out things they’d done in their past, good or bad, and how the tendency to commit the same sin might make them struggle in the future. It impressed me how direct Jacob was… He wasn’t concerned about whether his kids would like him, or be mad at him, or get their feelings hurt. He spoke in love because he wanted his children to know their weaknesses and overcome them.

Then I read about lawnmower parents and how they clear a path for their children so their kids can avoid struggle and don’t have to deal with their weaknesses. For example, if a lawnmower parent has a child who’s afraid to speak in front her class, the parent would tell the teacher, “My child gets anxiety when she has to give a speech, so she needs to be excused from doing it.”

Lawnmower parents run ahead of their kids and clear anything out of their path for fear they will stumble. As a result, they never encounter a fall and never learn how to get back up on their feet. Unlike Jacob’s children, these kids will never face their weaknesses—until they are adults. And then it will be a huge shock to them. You see, you can’t be with them forever.

You can’t follow them to work.

Eventually, our kids have to live in the adult world leading meetings. So, can you put him in a job where he doesn’t have to do that? And he gets nervous around new people, so can he skip the interview for the promotion he wants? “He gets uncomfortable, he’s shy” will not work as an excuse.

You can’t give them grit.

Our children need to know if something is hard for them. And they need to struggle with it and wrestle with it so they can build up their muscles and understand what they really do like and what they’re good at and not good at. Grit and determination are good. I have preached that to my kids; you have got to have the grit to do what you want to do.

You can’t stop them from becoming an adult.

As our kids become adults, we have a reckoning—we must be able to endure letting them struggle and even flounder. Our goal should be to teach them to use their strengths and not let their weaknesses hold him back. If you lawnmower for your kids you’re going to give them a false sense of security because they are never going to have struggled and learned what they’re really capable of.

I like how Jacob was honest with his kids about what he saw as their strengths and weaknesses.

If you have some thoughts on how to get a better understanding of the different ways we lawnmower our kids I’d love to hear from you; I want to engage more on this topic with moms because it is very common and very important.

How can we not be a lawnmower mom and instead be the mom God designed us to be for our individual children?

I sure hope I’m not a controlling mother, but sometimes I fear that I am. I’m certainly more hands-on with my children than my mom was, and I do tend to give a lot of direction and instruction to my children.

Sadly, even good, caring moms can veer into the controlling zone (think helicopter/lawnmower parent), and it’s a place that’s not healthy for us or our children. In fact, a new study found that controlling mothers are viewed more negatively by their children. So how can you be sure you’re not a controlling mother? Here are two of the things you can do to be less controlling.

1. Give your children as much independence as you can.

Independence teaches kids to take responsibility and start learning how to make their own decisions. The goal of parenting is to teach your children to control themselves. Our job is to show them how much they are loved while teaching them how to govern themselves and make wise decisions. There is no better way to do this than letting them have some independence.

2. Let them voice their opinions.

When children learn to voice their opinions, they will also learn how to protect their important relationships. It is important for them to learn how to disagree in a diplomatic and loving way if they want to maintain positive and healthy relationships with others. The best way they can practice this skill is at home with you in a safe environment.

Here are more ways you can avoid being a controlling mother:

• Controlling mothers are a lot like helicopter parents. Here are 4 Ways to Avoid Being a Helicopter Parent
• Instead of being a controlling parent, try these 12 Ways to Be a Hands-On Parent.
• Let go (at least a little!) and use these 5 Ways to Build Independence in Your Tween.
• Let go a little more with these 4 Ways to Deal With Your Teenager’s Independence.
• And, read the study about how controlling moms are viewed by their children.

On a scale of 1-10, how controlling are you with your kids?