Suzanna Uncensored

A year later......

2014-03-30T15:48:00.001-04:00

I haven't been here in almost a year. The one place that I can write and be me, and it's the one place I have avoided, neglected, and blocked out. I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the past year. Things I haven't even shared with my best friends or family. It's been about me, Suzanna, finding me.

As a child I was shy.... I think I finally broke out of the box when I was in 10th grade in high school. Now days I am thought to be more outspoken. In all reality, I do get passionate about things, but I also take a lot of things to heart. And, it's my heart that usually gets me into trouble. It's hard for me to say no to someone, but I don't have the heart not to. Even when that person is not there for me. It comes from that old saying of, "I am here for you if you need me." Then when I am faced with big obstacles and those people that I am there for don't step up to the plate, then I am disheartened.

I am the believer, the inspiration, and I try to take a positive attitude with everything I go through. I am the mother of an adult son with Asperger's Syndrome, among other mental and physical disabilities. He is my hero and my inspiration. I have grown so much as a person because of him. However, there are times that I am so caught up in being his mom, that I don't take care of me. I don't allow myself to heal when I am sick, or take time for me when I need a break. So now I am trying to change that. I won't stop being his mom, but I will be a stronger mom to take care of his needs, because I am taking care of me.

As I have stated before, writing is my passion. I am most happy when I am writing. My laptop crashed almost a month ago. I am writing from my very old desktop. I am in the process of getting the laptop fixed, with the help of a wonderful friend. If it can't be fixed, then I will pray hard that I will be blessed with the means of getting a new one. I plan to start back writing on a regular basis, and maybe get that book started that I've been talking about forever.

I see from my stats that there are still a lot of you checking out my page. Even though there has been nothing new. I want to say thank you! I will try to give you more to read. Peace!

Wouldn't you know......

2013-05-13T20:56:00.003-04:00

When I wrote my Mother's Day blog the other night I was nodding out, and wrote quickly. I went back and read it, and Lord have mercy......I had so many errors......that one I should have proof read!

So......my firm that laid me off back in March has hired me back! Imagine that! It started as me coming back on a temp basis last week, and after my first day the were offering a permanent position again! I am kind of excited. I like the people I work with there. And, the past two jobs before this one I was out of work for 7 months each. I couldn't afford that again. My life will be total craziness again. Working in family law does that to you. Especially on a full-moon! But I'm up for the challenge.......

I am lovin' life!

Peace!

Another Happy Mother's Day.......Enjoy!

2013-05-12T00:34:00.001-04:00

I think I've mentioned it in past blogs, but when I blog it comes from my heart. That is probably why it is so up and down and all around. I don't proof read, but say a prayer, click publish, and there it is. This blog was meant to be a tribute to my mother. I feel so blessed to have her......while so many of my friends has lost their parents, I am so lucky to have both my parents still with me. This year, however, they are on their farm in Georgia. As much as I am missing spending Mother's Day with my mom, I'm okay with sharing her with my family there.....

So today I will pay tribute to all mothers....everywhere! If you are a mother, you know the sacrafices we go through to ensure our children are healthy and safe. It also opens our eyes as to the sacrafices our mothers went through. I remember as a teen, yelling at my mother that I would never be the kind of parent she was. I saw varied emotions in her face. It was almost a look of hurt, yet a look of uh huh.......that's what you think. That phrase "mother knows best" always comes to mind. Really mothers do know best. It's like God gave us that special touch to know just what our children need, and to have the insight into the future. Yep......my mom knew I would end up parenting similar. There are things that she did that I would not do to this day....but I have a special needs child. Life has been quite different than it would have been had my son been your average kid..... I still find myself realizing I am more like my mother than I ever thought I would. ;-)

I wish all of you moms a Happy Happy Mother's Day! If you can.....give your mom a hug and kiss. Spend time with your babies...... Life is so precious, embrace the day! Enjoy it and pamper yourself too. We all deserve that!

Peace!

Off my rocker.......

2013-05-02T19:31:00.001-04:00

I really want to kick and scream..... My life is good. I am blessed. I have my health, my friends and family, and for now a roof over my head, food to eat, and a car to drive. But I need to have a moment...... I don't have a job. No one is knocking on my door wanting to hire me to write or give me a book deal. I am beginning to think I am a serial interviewee (if that is a real word). I interview on a regular basis, but don't get hired. I think I need a crash course in interview 101. Either that or I need to go the route of finding a rich man who will support me. Wait.......before you think I've gone off my rocker. I am just venting. I am doing it because I can. Kind of like that old song, "It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want to!" I am fast approaching 49. Not that I'm getting old, but dang...... These law firms want fresh young college grads that they don't have to pay and are easy on the eyes. It's true. I have finally fallen into that rutt of being old in the work world, and it sucks! Heck, maybe I have lost it....... We shall see! ;-)

Peace!

Go back to the beginning.....it's where it all started

2013-04-27T20:25:00.000-04:00

I have blogged a lot about my relationships, love, and all kinds of craziness. But it wasn't until recently when I was talking to a very dear friend who is having marital problems, that my mind started swirling about the whole love thing.

This friend has been married several years. By all appearances, they had a good marriage. Other than a few squabbles here and there, these two love each other and you know it. So for her to tell me that their marriage was in trouble, I was shocked. I know that they are trying counseling and she is in the fight for her life where her marriage is concerned. When I asked her recently how things were going she said, they are better, just going slow. She said it's like starting all over again......the getting to know each other, etc. I asked if that was a bad thing and she said no, it's like they are best friends.

So I started thinking... If you truly love someone and the relationship ends without reason, can it be saved? Can you go back to the roots of your relationship and start over? Fall in love all over again? I think so..... Break-ups are the easy way out. Divorces are more accessible and people literally give up too fast. I believe in love. True love is worth fighting for. Even if it means going back to the beginning. If you start to go different directions, go back to where it all began. Take the time to re-examine the little things. The silly new love stuff. The awkwardness, goofy things..... The long looks, the first kisses, the first time you made love. Become friends.....best friends. The moments that took your breath away.

I think my whole approach has been wrong....imagine that! I am sure this is not the last that you will hear from me on this. It's on my mind these days. ;-)

Peace!

Juggling this and Juggling that.......

2013-04-23T01:25:00.001-04:00

So the new blog is up and going..... It's doing well. I love writing about my experiences with my child. I am also actively seeking steady employment. It's been rough!

I'm not proud to say it, but I finally hit rock bottom. I mean, I really bottomed out! A bring me to my knees with hysteria. I haven't been that low since I lost my grandma over 10 years ago. After it was all said and done on Friday, I had a lot of repenting to do. I was very embarassed and actually afraid to pray. I thought, how on earth can God forgive me for this breakdown. I felt like such a failure and wanted to blame someone other than taking responsibility for myself. I knew I was at that point that if I allowed myself to cry I would never stop. I was right on target there. I scared my child and I scared myself. I knew I had to pray. I did......and a guardian angel here on earth came to the rescue for Ryan and myself. I am truly blessed. Keeping the faith is key. Never doubting that the Lord will fail me.

I am back on top, and I'm feeling better emotionally. I feel like I have been all over the place with my writing here. But it has been so therapeutic for me. I love to write, and as I've said before......it's all about ME! It's the only place I can be real. I don't have to worry about offending others or stepping on toes. This is about me and only me. As it's said.....I'm just sayin'.

At the end of this day, life is good!

Peace!

Follow me here too.......

2013-03-29T09:12:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned before I have been working on a new blog. I invite you to follow me there too.......

http://suzandryan.blogspot.com/

I hope you will enjoy it!

Child Focus

2013-03-26T20:09:00.000-04:00

So I have been working on getting my new blog up and going. Once I am finished and begin a new journey, I will share the link for those of you who want to follow. My son Ryan and I have reached the place in our life that we are ready to share our stories. I am very excited about this new adventure because I am very passionate about the cause of Autism and all the disorders on the spectrum, Asperger's Syndrome being the one my son was diagnosed with approximately 5 years ago. I love my child and want to bring awareness....especially for the adults on the spectrum. I will still be here blogging about my personal ups and downs too! So thank you for hanging with me......you guys inspire me!

Peace!

"Army Wives"

2013-03-24T21:28:00.002-04:00

I love the show "Army Wives." I honestly believe I would have been a great army wife. My ex-beau who stole my heart and won't give it back is retired military. He is the first and only army guy I ever dated. Military men are different. I think the discipline and structure is good. I also had a pen pal when I was in high school. He was friends with one of my aunts and cousins. I cannot remember his name, but we wrote faithfully. I used to be so excited when I would get a letter from him. I would always respond immediately..... But this tv show just keeps me on the edge of the sofa. Gotta love it!

Peace!

B**ch Fest

2013-03-24T11:35:00.002-04:00

I do a lot of inspirationals and share stories on my Facebook page. However, when I am having a bad day or just don't feel like being nice, I can't post it there. My family jumps on that. To them I am being a little less than "christian" like. Or, I am being ungrateful. It is assumed that I am not praying or letting the Lord take care of things. I pray......every day. I give praise to God. No one can know what we have personally going on in our hearts. My relationship with God is personal. It's between him and me. My friends and family know I am a christian. I don't back down from that for anyone. My friends respect that. Even the ones who are uncertain or just don't believe. I witness to them. I am judged more by my family who go to church and are very outspoken about their christianity. I just let it be.

I am a very spiritual person, and I have a tremendous faith in God. But I am human too. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I feel like BLAH! My life is not perfect, I have more bad hair days than not. My weight sucks! I am not rich by no means......and I wish I could catch that one big break. I have scream fests with my adult Aspie son. I cry and cry sometimes, until I feel like I will just dry up. My once spotless house looks lived in now. I suffer from heartbreak. This has nothing to do with my faith. Because I know that where I am is right where God intended for me to be. This is my life. I can vent about whatever I want to. Right? If I want to follow my heart and do what makes me happy....... I can do that. Because at the end of the day it's my life and the only one I have to answer to is the big guy upstairs. ;-)

Whew...... I feel a little better!

Peace!

Let's go Gamestop hopping....

2013-03-23T21:54:00.000-04:00

Time flies when you're having fun I guess..... I took yesterday to spend with my kid. We got out and went Gamestop hopping, as I like to call it. We start at one spot and hop around to the different Gamestops. My kid is a connoisseur of gaming. He knows something about everything. It is very easy for me to become hermit or homebody if I am not working. I shouldn't be like that, and I promised myself I would start working on image and appearance. Well, I hit a patch of depression last week. As if it didn't show in my writing. So when I am like this, my poor kid suffers. Being the charmer he is, usually when we go Gamestop hopping he always tells me when we're finished he will go look wherever I want to look. lol So that is what we did yesterday.......ALL day long!! I was exhausted. Now I am trying to shake the blues so I can jump back into things and move on past all of this depression stuff. I am better than this. As it's been said..... "tomorrow is a brand new day." And, I plan to make the most of it.

Peace!

My purpose in life

2013-03-21T11:48:00.001-04:00

So this morning I was having a conversation with a very dear friend. Actually she was my very best friend in 6th grade. She was checking in with me to see how I was doing and how my job hunting was going. As our conversation went on, I told her that I pray and trust that God will not let me down. He has carried me so many times, but I feel like what I have been going through is only the tip of the ice burg, and it is a stepping stone to bigger and better things. I truly believe that. I have always been safe, and done the right thing. I don't do change well, can be extreme at times, but for the most part I am stable. I have lived in the same house for over 20 years, I worked at one job for 12 years, another for 2 years, and so on. I just feel like now, something is pushing in the direction I should be going. It's definitley not safe, and there are no guarantees. But, even being safe does not bring guarantees. I am chasing possibilities, believing that God's plan for me is bigger and better than anything I could have ever imagined, and things are going to be okay. Is there any other way?

Peace!

Bouncing back again.......

2013-03-20T23:37:00.001-04:00

Wow..... Did this day get away from me or what?? If it's not my kid, it's my dog. If it's not my dog, it's my kid! Last night my Ryan had a mini meltdown. These always end the same way. He screams at me and asks why I didn't have an abortion, and that I wish I had a normal healthy kid. He now throws in that he knows that I secretly hate him. I know this is all a part of his many disorders, but none the less it hurts. I always feel that I have been placed in front of a firing squad, taken a few hits, and am expected to go on like the Energizer Bunny. Well, it's not easy dammit! Abortion was NEVER an option for me. I fought with all my 20+1 year old ass had in me. The circustances surrounding my pregnancy (which I blogged on earlier) were not the way any woman would want to get pregnant, but I wanted my baby. I knew early on it would be high risk, but hey....I'm a risk taker. I dug my heels in, and even with the puking my guts up morning, noon and night, and bleeding the whole time.... I wanted my baby. He has been my world.....he still is my world. I understand that due to his Aspergers that he does not process things like me. He doesn't sympathize or empathize. It's all cut and dry, black and white with him. My heart breaks.... If he only knew and could understand my love for him is unconditional, and I could never imagine my life without him in it. So when things like this happen it takes me a little while to bounce back. My life as Ryan's mom is not easy.....but it is rewarding and fulfilling. Even when life isn't good, it is......

Peace!

Loneliness

2013-03-19T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have been single for 20+ years. I have done being alone very well. Recently though, I am not doing being alone very well. Last night I actually felt lonely. I have reached the point that I think I can honestly say, I am ready for a relationship. I think this is why I am so over thinking this whole dating thing. If you have read my earlier blogs then you know I do not have a successful track record where relationships and marriages are concerned, but I am ready to try again. I just want to make sure it is right. I know there are no guarantees, but I have parents, siblings and friends who have long term marriages. It can be done. I am ready to be domestic. I'm not very good at it, but I will take cooking lessons and whatever I need to do. I want to be that supportive girlfriend or wife. I want to be there for my significant other. I want him to be there for me. I want to build a future with the right man......I just don't know where to start! I will now over think this I'm sure.....

Peace!

Pretty "Big" Women......

2013-03-18T13:00:00.001-04:00

A couple of weeks ago my Ryan and I were in Toys R Us to purchase some new character for his latest game addiction. We got behind this couple at the checkout with two small children who were out of control. So, I am observing this couple. The husband was very nice looking and looked exhausted trying to take care of these two little out of control boys. The wife was tall for a woman, and what I would call big boned. She was not thin, but not fat either. She was fluffy on the larger frame. She had caked on make-up and had this scowl on her face kind of like, you just didn't want to tussel with her. As they were finishing up with the purchase, she looked at him and said something very harsh about him having to put things together. When she noticed us looking at them, she gave that bitch grin. Kind of like, uh oh I got busted...... So I was thinking, maybe I have this whole thing wrong. Maybe there are men that don't let a woman's weight intimidate them. Then I thought, nooooo..... He is just making nice with her while out with their kids, and he is probably the quiet guy out there doing his secretary. lol We had just seen a beautiful big girl the day before with a very handsome man. Even my Ryan commented on how pretty she was. So after we witnessed this thing at the toy store, Ryan says, it's not like she is beautiful either. She wasn't near as good looking as the other woman we saw yesterday. This is my adult son who is on the autism spectrum noticing this. I found that interesting. So where am I going with this.....Hell, I don't know. I'm just really making a lot of observations these days. Trying to figure people out. Are there good men out there or not? Food for thought!

Peace!

That whole dating thing - Again

2013-03-17T23:17:00.000-04:00

So a few nights ago my instant messenger box pops up. It was from a different guy than before. I had given my messenger address to that one guy who wanted to cam, and this one who im'd me. This guy and I had been chatting, and he seemed nice enough. Then all of a sudden during one of our conversations he just stopped chatting and disappeared. That was fine with me. So here he is im'ing me again. I was polite. I asked him how he was and so on. Then I asked him why all of a sudden out of the blue he stopped communicating with me. He proceeds to tell me that he didn't. He said it was me. Well, it wasn't me. I let him know it wasn't me. Then he just all of a sudden asks me if I want to cam with him. Uh huh.....the dirty dog! I tell him I am not into the whole webcam thing, and I declined. That's when he says, we can just talk, no sex......Bahahaha!!! I am thinking maybe it is me. Is this what dating has come to, and I am just old school.... Why even bother calling it dating. You meet someone online, then meet them on the webcam, and do the deed with him via webcam.... I find no excitement in that whatsoever! Ummm......Yeah, this is bothering me. And, then I heard the other day that some guy on the Christian site was accused of rape! So where do good women go to find a decent man? I think decent men just don't exist these days.... If you're not a barbie doll type, you don't make the cut! That's for real.... So that guy stopped corresponding when I refused to cam with him. Another one (well possibility of one) bites the dust!

Peace!

Luck of the Irish.....Maybe

2013-03-17T10:34:00.002-04:00

Whew!! I survived! I sent that text....he didn't respond, thank God! I will just sweep that one under the rug.

It's St. Patrick's Day! I've never been one of those party animals on St. Patrick's Day. Not even when I was younger. I just never got the green beer thing. I remember as a kid, you had to wear green. If you didn't wear green, you ran the risk of getting a pinch on the a**. I remember in my teens, if we didn't wear green, we would say..... I'm wearing green, you just can't see it. Of course, implying that the undergarments were green. I know, silly, huh? So, these days I don't even really own anything green. Go figure. My son owns shirts in all different shades of green. It's his favorite color. I think I bought a green cotton camisole back during the summer. I just might did it out and throw it on under a t-shirt. Sounds good! Sweet!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody...... May the luck of the Irish be with you, and may you beat the Leprechan to the pot of gold! ;-)

Peace!

Can we say pity party? Ummm.....Yeah!

2013-03-17T00:49:00.002-04:00

I have been doing super good.... No e-mailing, very little texting. But tonight, I'm like an addict on the verge of falling off the wagon. I am missing him so bad..... I texted him, and will have major regrets about it. I still don't know how to put this all behind me. I'm six months into very little to no communication with him. It's kind of like you don't choose who you fall in love with and you can't force yourself to fall out of love with them. My life is good. I don't know why I think I still want this. Hell, maybe I am that person who cannot be completely happy without that drama in my life. Whoa.......talk about a pitty party!! Yeah, I am having one..... Yikes! I need to get to bed!

Peace!

2013-03-16T13:56:00.002-04:00

I don't care whether you're working or not.... The weekend is the weekend. It's a free ticket to be wild, crazy, and even lazy! Lazy is what I've been today! Lord have mercy!! Now, I am up and at em, and ready to get going. I have cousins here visiting and we are going out to eat and hear my older brother play. Sounds like a good Saturday night to me! I'll be back with stories I'm sure!

Peace!

This and that......That and this

2013-03-15T09:44:00.001-04:00

I feel good.... I survived this week so far! I have had a bit of uncontrolable eating.....ugh.... That is normal I'm thinking. I did get out and about with my son yesterday. It's always an adventure with us, and I enjoy those times! My mom was awesome, but I think I rock as a mom! I am thinking about going and getting my hair chopped off this weekend. Yeah.....I did it back in July, haven't touched it since, so it's about time. I need change. It's a St. Patty's Day weekend. I'm thinking I will probably go out with family this weekend to hear my older brother, who is an entertainer, play. We have been doing Saturday nights at this place he plays. Reasonable prices on food and drinks, and my brother rocks the place.... Country, old rock and oldies. I love it! Today....I will get out with my boy again. He is into this new game, and is looking for a certain character. We found one them yesterday, but there is still one to go. That's today in a flash.....a little bit of this and a little bit of that. ;-)

Peace!

Life is good even when it's not

2013-03-14T08:29:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning after a very restless night and very little sleep, and turn the tv onto the local news that I watch every morning, thinking this is what my life has become. Unemployed....AGAIN.... Gaining weight....AGAIN.... Something has got to give. Then here comes in my son, snatching up the remote. He flipped the station over to VH1 Classic. Okay....I don't know about you, but in my household, we have love our music! Music is good for the soul.... But the best is that these songs this morning were the songs I listened to when I was in high school! Takes me down memory lane. Gotta love it! By the time it's all said and done. I am thinking life is still good, even when it's not! So now I am bopping around. Getting my dance on. Feeling good! I love my life :-)

Peace!

Dating.......

2013-03-13T20:58:00.001-04:00

I won't sugar coat this..... I hate the whole dating thing. Being single these days really sucks! I am going on 21 years single. I had tried online dating way back when, but decided to go through and delete every online profile I had over 4 years ago. I met and dated 2 or 3 good guys over the years of trying it. I also made a couple of good guy friends. So, about 3 months ago, I allowed one of my girlfriends to talk me into trying it one more time on one of the sites I had never tried before. I was blown away. I am sure there are women out there who are just as bad, but come on. Within my first day on that site, I cannot even recall how many men propositioned me. I am not a prude. I pride myself on the fact that I am so open with my sexuality. I am not shy when it comes to things like that. However, there was a gentleman who hammered away at me wanting to use the webcam. I refused to use mine, and said it was okay for him to use his, but told him that he needed to have his clothes on. Well he proceeds to tell me that he just came in from his pool and had his swimsuit on. A speedo. Yikes! He assured me he would stay seated and I would not have to look at him. It's not that I don't want to look at a man's body, but I want to meet a man who wants to wine and dine me. Take me out on a date. Get to know me, the person, before he goes showing me his body. I've already experienced passion beyond words. It's going to take someone to really sweep me off my feet now. I believe that there has to be someone out there that can do more than that for me. But, this guy used the excuse of him needing to get a drink of water as his excuse to stand up. I immediately shut the came down. He asked me why I did that. I told him that I don't know him. I don't want to see his naked body and so on. So he stops communicating with me. Well one night I see him online after I had deleted my profile. I asked how he was, and why I had not heard from him. He told me that I had problems, was way too uptight, and wished me luck on finding someone as uptight as I was. I had to laugh..... All because I didn't want to see a naked man I did not know on the webcam, I was dubbed uptight. That was a first. lol Stuff like that turns me off. I am kind of nervous that there are no good guys out there. Real men. Yes, I thought I had met him and even allowed myself to fall in love with him completely, but even he let me down. I am a very giving person. I love with all I have in me. I want that man who can step up and woo me......Be the man.

Peace!

I think I'm traumatized!

2013-03-13T10:50:00.001-04:00

When I dream, I dream alive and in color! Well, the fallout from temp job yesterday.... Ay ya ya... I was working in my sleep. The attorney I worked for had left the office and there were others in the office so I thought I was safe. I was working, and all of a sudden it was dark. I jumped up and realized I had fallen asleep with my head on the desk and everyone left and locked me in. Since I could not figure the phone system out, I could not call out and my cell phone was dead. Traumatized, yes. Lesson learned....ask the right questions before I go on another temp job, and make sure I have Red Bull and my cell phone charger with me! Yikes!! So, onto another day...... I'm thinking about talking men real soon! ;-)

Peace!

This sh** only happens to me.......

2013-03-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

The temp job?? Oh good lord.... I knew this attorney from years ago. He was old then. Well, he is really old now. Like almost 100 old....... So, I am sitting there this morning waiting for him, and here he comes shuffling into the office, hunched over, sharp as a whip. Umm.....yeah, it was a longgg day! He almost fell two times!! O-M-G!!! I reached out to catch him one time. It was just a natural instinct to do. I called the temp agency when I got out earlier this evening and left them a message. As fascinated as I am with this attorney, I don't want to go back there. He has paid his dues. He needs to hang up the scales of justice, relax and enjoy his old age. I swear......only me, does this happen to!

Peace!

Well wouldn't you know.....

2013-03-12T06:48:00.001-04:00

I did the right thing. Contacted the temp agency and activated my profile. I contacted 2 recruiters that I had worked with in the past, and made other contacts. Well, 2 hours into activating my profile with the temp agency I received a phone call, and I have a temp job for the day. I am thinking this is a good sign as far as work. I think all will be okay on the job front.

Everytime I go through changes like this, my son feeds off my energy. I have been remarkably calm, but he seems to be on the edge. I tell him we were fine, and all is good. I don't think he is comprehending it though. I'm hoping that it changes soon. It's hard enough keeping myself in check during times like this without his ups and downs......Ugh......

So, I am going to do this job, get her done, collect my paycheck and move it forward. Sounds good to me. I'll tell you about it later!

Peace!