Suze Onan's Recession Whackers

Recession Whacker #8

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:51:00 +0000

Need a new computer? Want some new office chairs? How about a new coffee machine, a fax machine or a government surplus ICBM missile system?

Uncle Sam can help!

Periodically, the U.S. government holds "garage sales" of surplus equipment. It's a great way of getting office supplies on the cheap.

Of course, most items have been used. And sometimes the equipment is just a teeny bit outdated . . . But, hey! You've given a lot of Uncle Sam (and bankers!) lately. Why not get a little something back on the cheap?

Recession Whacker #7

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:15:00 +0000

Can't afford that great-tasting but pricy Chateau Lafitte-Rothschild any more? Not to worry. Improvise!

Question: What do wine and grape juice have in common? Answer: They're both made from grapes. But one is alcoholic and one isn't.

So get thee to the local supermarket, pick up a large bottle of the house brand grape juice, mix well with a no-name domestic vodka, pour into previously used, empty wine bottles and . . . voila!

Bottoms up with your OWN vintage wine!

Recession Whacker #6

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:26:00 +0000

When I say "moonlighting," I actually mean it literally. In other words, working at night, after hours, in what can be a rewarding and potentially very lucrative second career.

Mugging bankers.

They're rich. They caused this whole economic crisis. And they're getting paid with your tax dollars. So why not help yourself to a late night withdrawal?

Which leads me to my next helpful (and fun!) tip . . .

Recession Whacker Tip:
Expand your moonlighting horizons.

Once you've done bankers, start spreading your wings!

Consider moving on . . . to financial consultants, top ceos, even politicians. They're all great sources of extra pocket money.

Added plus: You'll be doing the patriotic thing. After all, what's more patriotic than giving back to the taxpayer (you)?

Recession Whacker #5

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 19:36:00 +0000

Let's face it – a vente Starbucks a day adds up to primo bucks a year.

My suggestion? Substitute those costly coffee shop coffees with home brewed blends. And I DO mean substitute . . . and I DO mean home brewed . . .

(Added bonus: Less caffeine jitters!)

Recession Whacker #4

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:05:00 +0000

Remember to keep your investments diversified.

Savvy investors know that the key to a strong portfolio is diversification. You want to have a basket of different investments. A balanced portfolio offsets losses in one investment instrument with gains in another.

Here's a hypothetical optimal investment plan. Put:

30% in regular Lotto (Pick 6 or equivalent; lump sum payout only, not annuitized payout.)
20% in Take 5 and/or Pick 10 (or equivalents).
15% in Powerball/Mega Millions (or state equivalent)
15% in daily state-run numbers game (good way of accruing cash flow)
10% in scratch-offs (from $2 cards on up – you can determine which ones offer the best risk-reward ratio.)
6% in miscellaneous investment vehicles – horse racing, football pools, casino gambling, etc. You call it!
4% in stock brokerage accounts – stocks, bonds and other high risk investments. (Note: This is the speculative portion of your portfolio. Who knows? Maybe your broker knows something after all. . . why not roll the dice?)

Recession Whacker #3

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 19:45:00 +0000

As the charts above demonstrate, the stock market is not a preferred investment. It goes up and down too much.

Wouldn't you be better off – and less stressed out – with something that just goes UP?

Your best bet for investing success? Lotto.

Winning Lotto tickets can offer the prudent investor an amazing payback on a minimal capital outlay.

Recession Whacker #2

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:09:00 +0000

Even when you're pinching pennies, you can afford a wide variety of wonderful meats. They're lean. They don't have additives. They're all-natural. They're free-range. And, best of all, they cost nothing!

Yes, we're talking road kill.

So gun your motor and grab some game. Then you can fire up the grill, slap on some raccoon, and you're set to go!

Recession Whacker #1

noreply@blogger.com (Suze Onan) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 18:39:00 +0000

Let’s take Ted. Formerly a big-bucks mortgage broker with a stressful (and expensive) hobby of mountain-climbing, Ted has found a new hobby better suited to tough times– and a lot less stressful too!

Ted has started collecting (and consuming) domestic macro-brewery beer. But use your imagination: You might prefer other rewarding hobbies.

Like malt liquor tall-boys.