For a few brief months, I even worked with a coach who told me I didn’t have to network.  Wonderful woman, in many ways a good coach, but that wasn’t realistic, and it really wasn’t what I needed to hear.

Networking is a crucially-important activity for anyone who’s self-employed.  You can’t just decide you’re not going to do it.  And yes, I know there are successful people out there who say they hate networking and it’s not necessary for success – but in every case I’ve come across, they’re doing it, just calling it something else.  A rose by any other name…

Whether online, in person, or a combination, if you’re serious about your business, you’ve got to do some sort of networking.  (For that matter, even if you’re not in business – networking is pretty crucial for your career as an employed person, too.)

And you need to keep pushing the boundaries if you want to keep expanding your network.

That’s something I’ve had to remind myself about recently, especially as it’s gotten more difficult for me to find new people to meet.  Yes, as hard as it is for me to believe, I’ve actually met so many people that I’m spending most of my networking time saying “Hi!” to folks I already know, instead of making new connections!

So I’ve recently started doing something I swore I’d never do again.  (Yes, I know.  Those proclamations get me every time!)

I’ve started going to local Chamber of Commerce events.

I swore I’d never go again – and in fact, I even say say so in the networking program – because I’ve had some pretty awful experiences there. 

Chamber events are heavily attended by self-employed people and small business owners.  And my memory told me that they tend to be like I was way-back-when:  nervous, a tad panicky about meeting people, a tad needy for clients.  (On one memorable occasion, I actually saw someone handing out business cards from a big box under her arm.)  In short, not particularly conducive to making quality connections.

Or so I thought.

But my clients are self-employed independent practitioners and small business owners.   Chamber events are where they go.

And it didn’t hurt that these events are local to me – no beating my way through Southern California traffic to get to downtown or mid-county events.

So I figured, why not?

Let me just say, humbly, that I was wrong to put down Chamber events.

And let me just remind you all, as I have been reminding myself, that you must know who your audience is and where to find them - and then go there, wherever it may be. 

Even if it’s someplace you swore never to go again.

I’ve met great people.  People who want to hire me and people who want to refer me.  People I’ve enjoyed getting together with for coffee.  People I expect to stay in touch with because I like them, never mind the business connections.

And one lovely woman who was so thrilled to meet me – she’s been looking for someone with exactly my skills to help her clients – that she actually gave me a big hug.  In the middle of a Chamber of Commerce networking event.

I love networking!

This person was vehement about it.  His view is that your business and your personal life must be kept separate if you want to be successful.  Your business blog, Facebook, Twitter, other social media, and website should have nothing personal on it.  Communication with clients past, present, and future should only reference their personal lives (“What a cute picture of your kids on Facebook!”) and never yours.

According to him, this is a hard and fast rule for business success. 

I’m having a hard time with this, and not just because I see many successful people who are very personal in what they present within the context of their businesses.  (Sometimes a tad too personal for my taste, but they are successful, so it’s clearly working for them.)

I think most people want to feel a personal connection with someone before they hire them.  Especially if the service feels even the slightest bit intimate – and yes, if I’m going to get to the heart of what your business means to you and write effectively about it, then there’s intimacy involved. 

And if you’re hiring someone over the internet without having actually met him or her, you want to know that this person is real.  You want to know that they have values you can agree with, that they have a similar sense of humor, perhaps, or enjoy doing some of the things you enjoy doing.

If I’m hiring someone, I’m going to start by looking at their online presence to see if I can find a real person there.  I’m going to be seeking some sense that they know how to be vulnerable, honest, real.  Not too much – I also want to feel confident that they have personal strength and integrity and that I’m not going to end up supporting them instead!

But I know I want to work with someone I feel a personal connection with.  And I can only get that sense of personal connection if there’s personal information available to me. 

I’d think that if you were considering hiring a copywriter to help with your website, to work with you on developing an e-book or other type of program, or to edit your articles and help with marketing, that you’d want to know who I am before picking up the phone or sending me an email.  You’d want to know that I care about my clients’ success, not just about their credit card number.  You’d want to know if writing in your voice, not mine, was my highest priority.  (Just for the record:  I do, and it is!)

How can you get that from me, or from anyone, if it’s not revealed by what I write and how I show up, online and in person?

So, yeah, this guy’s vehemence about revealing nothing personal is baffling to me.  Because I want to know what’s up with the people I do business with, whether I’m hiring them, helping them promote their work, or engaging in any other sort of business relationship.

What about you?  What’s your experience, and what’s your opinion?

Business and marketing coaches are forever harping on about knowing our customers.  They prod and poke at us to do market research (which, if you’re like me, makes you want to hide under the bed).  They take various approaches and use different methods, but it all comes down to getting us to look at who our customers are and what they really want.

If you’re like me, you’re passionate about what you do.  You light up inside – and probably on the outside as well – when you help someone.  In whatever realm you work, you create transformation for your clients. 

And that’s not too strong a word.  Whether you’re training corporate employees to be better at customer service or doing the deepest individual personal work, the ultimate goal is some type of transformation.

From your perspective, the problem you solve is obvious.  And for many independent practitioners, it’s very personal; this is often a problem you struggled with and overcame, and now you naturally want to help others.

Forgive me, but there’s a problem – or at least a potential problem – with all of this.

All too often, the problem we want to solve for our clients is not a problem they perceive.  Quite frankly, it’s simply not important to them.

From their perspective, the problem doesn’t matter.  In fact, from their perspective, the problem may not even exist.

And if the problem doesn’t matter, your solution could be the niftiest, most fantastic, most utterly perfect solution in the world … but you’re not going to sell much of it.

I don’t care how perfectly you describe it on your website.  I don’t care how fantastic your sales pages are, or how eloquently you talk about it at networking events.

If your customers don’t think it’s a problem, or if it doesn’t cause enough discomfort for them to do anything about, it ain’t gonna sell.  End of story.

Now, we all know this in theory.  I’m quite sure I’m not the only person who’s told you this. 

The thing is, we tend to see the problem very differently.  Obviously, if we didn’t think it was a problem, a serious problem, we sure wouldn’t be putting our time and effort into it, never mind expecting it to pay our bills.

And it can be very, very difficult, when you’re in love with what you do, to see how it just doesn’t matter to your customers.  (Ultimately, it’s actually a relief – but that’s hard to believe when you’re in the middle of it.)

Perspective.

I was brainstorming recently with a young woman about a business idea she has.  It’s a terrific idea; absolutely fantastic, absolutely needed, and absolutely (in my opinion, anyway) viable. 

But when we started talking about her ideal customer, I had to raise some warning flags.

I don’t want to give away her business idea, because it is incredibly smart and viable.  So unfortunately, I can’t explain the details.

But what it comes down to is that there are many problems that are only problems in hindsight.  (Perspective!) 

From this side of the situation, you’re saying, “If I’d only known!”  And it’s painful to see your potential customers hurtling headlong into the big black pit of The Problem.  You want to reach out and help them, stop them from jumping in and getting hurt.

But put yourself back on that side of the situation, before you ran into whatever The Problem is – before your customers run into The Problem. 

Is it a problem from that side? 

Is it a problem you’re going to admit to? 

Or will you be in denial about it for some reason – whether because you just don’t have the life experience, or because what’s happening is too exciting for you to pay attention to warning signs, or even because it’s just too embarrassing or taboo? 

(For a look at the latter, see my early post “Corporate Politics and Sex” – a pretty classic example of a great solution that just couldn’t find anyone willing to admit they had the problem.)

There are a lot of ways to fix this. 

In the case of the young woman I mentioned, she can easily adjust her target market just a little.  The problem she wants to solve is very real for many people who are seeking the help she offers.  And she can still reach those in her original target who are ready to hear what she has to say.  

(For me, as you know if you’ve followed this blog and/or my newsletter for any length of time, the writing work is what I was really already doing anyway; letting go of the other was a huge relief.)

If you’re solving a problem that doesn’t matter to your customers, something in you already knows it.  Something in you is niggling about it, whispering that things aren’t quite right, that it’s all a lot of work that’s not giving you the satisfaction you expected.

That doesn’t necessarily mean your business idea is bad, or that you somehow screwed up.

It definitely means you need to step back, take a look, and adjust your perspective about who your market is - and what their problem is.

A few weeks before that, I was talking with a different friend about referrals.

Both times, a knotty question came up.

What do you do when you like and recommend someone’s work, but there doesn’t seem to be reciprocation?  All the referrals are flowing one way – theirs – and you’re starting to feel frustrated, a tad confused, perhaps even hurt and annoyed.

It came up spontaneously in both conversations - it isn’t as if I’ve been trying to figure this out – but it did start me thinking about what it means to give and receive referrals.

I finally came to a few conclusions about what I call the “referral dance.”   Because in many ways it is a dance – a flow where you’re taking cues from someone else, and giving cues to them, and either one of you may or may not be reading those cues correctly. 

Seems to me there are some the key places where people mis-cue in the dance.  (Ever been dropped on the dance floor?  I have!)

1. Don’t assume someone knows you’re sending business her way.  Give her a heads-up.  “Hey, I gave someone your contact info for something he needs help with - I’d love to know if you hear from him!” 
2. Are you clear about what you do and what sorts of people you work with?  It’s worth making this very, very clear.  Not everyone is going to read your website to find out.  And believe it or not, even your clients don’t necessarily know the best ways to refer you.  If you want someone to send you referrals, tell him exactly who you want him to refer – and how!
3. Are you clear with yourself about your referral criteria?  For instance, I won’t refer you to anyone whose work I don’t know.  Whether I’ve actually experienced their work first-hand in some way, or had enough people tell me how fabulous they are that I believe it – if you get a referral from me, it’s because I stand behind that person’s work. 
4. Are you getting business sent to you?  By whom?  Track your most consistent referral sources – and find ways to thank them.  There could be reasons why you can’t refer business back in their direction (they might not be in business, or you might not know anyone who fits their criteria), but that doesn’t excuse failing to recognize their efforts on your behalf.  It’s easy to be so involved with your business – finding clients, serving the clients you have – that you overlook non-client relationships.  Don’t!  Find ways to help those who are helping you.
5. Let yourself feel annoyed at someone who’s not reciprocating if that’s what’s real for you – but then do something about it.  That doesn’t mean berating the other person.  It means asking yourself if you’ve been clear about who you want them to send to you (maybe they just missed your cue?).  And it could mean finding someone else who’s equally skilled and talented at what they do – and more skilled and talented at the referral dance.

Referrals really are about the relationship you have with your referral partners.  Whether you’re giving or receiving, a referral feels good – and it’s a tremendous way to build your business.  When someone who really “gets” what you do sends you the perfect client, there’s nothing more heart-warming and downright fun.  And it’s almost as much fun to send someone else the perfect client in return.

The best dance partner is someone you know and trust.  And that’s true in the referral dance as well as at the local club.

Excuse me.  I need to go answer an email I just received from someone who was referred by a past client of mine.   (No joke.  Perfect timing, huh?)

What’s your experience with referrals?

A few weeks ago, a friend overheard me offering to help someone with her resume, and commented on how generous I was to do that.  

Well, maybe.  I mean, even though I barely knew the person I was offering to help, she seems nice, and I knew she was struggling to get job interviews.  As an ex-corporate-hiring-manager, I know what makes a resume stand out.  So why not help?

At the same time, no matter how many offers I make, I’m pretty sure I won’t get overwhelmed.  Because most people – the vast majority of people – never take me up on it. 

It’s the same with a small business mastermind group I lead through a local professional organization.  It’s open to anyone who’s a member of the organization.  Yet of all the people who attend the meetings, only a few are there consistently - even though every one of them, when asked, says the group provides terrific support and help that they need.

Why don’t people accept help?

I’ve tried turning that around, to ask myself why I might not accept help when it’s offered.

I suppose I might question whether they really meant it.  But to me, that’s messing in someone else’s business.  If they offer, it seems rude to assume they’re lying to me!

Or I suppose I might wonder if the offer came with strings attached.  Sometimes gratitude is beautiful and open-hearted, and sometimes it creates feelings of indebtedness and resentment.

But in the end, the only reason I actually remember thinking and feeling when someone offered to help was … holy crap, that scares me to death.  I can’t say “yes” to that!

What was being offered touched a lot of vulnerable places – a lot of places I deeply wanted to explore, but was also very afraid to look at. 

In the end, I accepted – and it has transformed my life and my business.  

Yes, it was a whole lot bigger than reviewing a resume.  But on the other hand, you just never know.   Something as simple as a resume review can mean the difference between getting a job you really love … and wondering why you never get called for an interview. 

(Please note, by the way, that this is an example.  I’m not offering to review anyone’s resume.  However, a few months ago I did offer, here on the blog, to review your website.  Why didn’t you take me up on it?)

So, why don’t you accept help?

What help is being offered to you, right now, that you could accept?

That help I accepted? It came from Jon Hansen, who’s also my business partner on Finding Another Way.

You may think you don’t know enough about marketing.  Or you might feel as if your website isn’t complete or perfect enough.  You could be worried that prospective clients may feel as if you’re nagging them.  Or your passion for what you do might feel too big – embarrassing, even – to put into words.

Whatever action you’re not taking, and whatever it is that’s keeping you from taking that action, it all boils down to one thing:  Fear.

You could call it anxiety, worry, uncertainty, lack of confidence, shyness, or a host of other names.  But at the root, it’s fear.

Fear is a part of our human existence.  And it’s perfectly okay to feel nervous and vulnerable about what you want to do.

Fear isn’t the problem.  And fear isn’t what’s stopping you.

Waiting on fear – waiting for it to go away, waiting till you feel confident and secure – is what’s really keeping you from moving forward.

The longer you try to suppress it, pretend it’s not there, or transcend it, the more stubborn it’s going to get.  So give your fear a voice.  Let it express itself – whether in writing or in a conversation with a friend – and tell you all about worst-case scenarios. 

My experience is that when I let those worst-case scenarios out of the darkness of my thoughts and into the light of day, they reveal themselves as just thoughts, with no substance and certainly no reality.  After all, fantasies, even dark ones, are still just fantasies – and when I turn and look at them, some are laughably ridiculous.  And laughter is a great antidote to fear!

Everyone feels nerves and anxiety about doing the things that matter to them.   And anyone who’s ever started a blog, launched a product, or put up a new website has felt at least some anxiety about how it was going to be received. 

The thing is, if you never do it, you’ll never know.

What do you want to do?

What’s keeping you from doing it?

I have serious perpetual-student tendencies. 

I love learning new things.  I love learning more about things I already know about.  And I’ve struggled to believe that I know enough, that I’m not going to embarrass myself by making some sort of obvious mistake.

But being a perpetual student keeps me from showing up in the ways you, as my blog reader (and newsletter reader and/or client), deserve. 

Not so incidentally, it also wastes my time and money.  And I feel resentful and annoyed when I buy a book, program, or other product and it turns out I already knew 95% (or more) of what’s being presented.

That’s not to say the book, program, or product is bad.  It’s quite the reverse:  it’s saying I do know my stuff.  And sometime last year I realized it’s time to get off my pile of books, stop reading every blog in sight looking for one last nugget of wisdom, and start putting my own nuggets out there.

So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.  I haven’t succumbed to the temptation to buy programs or books in quite a while.  (There were a couple of near misses, but I pulled myself back from the brink on each of them!) 

I’ve realized that although I may not know all that Expert X or Guru Y know, I do know things they may not know – especially since I approach my work with clients from a rather different-than-usual perspective.

Putting an end to being a perpetual student doesn’t mean putting an end to learning.  I’d never suggest that.  But it does mean putting an end to using feelings of not knowing enough as an excuse for not showing up.  And it means allowing myself to recognize that I am the expert my clients need.

What about you?  Are you allowing your desire to know more, or your insecurity about not knowing enough, to keep you stuck in perpetual-student mode?  Is it time to move out from there, to stop focusing on what you don’t know, and start focusing on showing up for your business, your clients, and yourself?

What would happen if you knew that right now, in this minute, you know enough?

Most recipes produce faintly-differently-flavoured variations on a theme.   Aside from buffalo wings (which I grill instead of frying – yum!), there’s just not much to be said for any of them.  And what’s truly baffling to me is that many of them require overnight marination - which is absurd, in my view, for something as small as a chicken wing!

And yet, chicken wings are the quintessential small-bite, tasty finger food.

Or at least, they ought to be.

I was thinking about this a few weeks ago, and – remembering a technique I’d read in a recipe for spareribs in the June/July 2010 issue of Cook’s Country magazine – I came up with this recipe.

Recipe:

The quantities listed here will provide plenty of marinade and sauce for 6 wings.  Adjust according to how many wings you plan to serve. 

Cut the chicken wings apart at the joints.   Freeze the wing tips for stock (or discard them if you must).

Put the wings in a bowl.

For every 6 wings (12 pieces, cut apart), stir together:

• 1/2 cup fresh lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon hoisin sauce
• 1 to 4 teaspoons Asian chili garlic sauce (depending on your tolerance for heat!)
• 2 tablespoons honey

(Both the Asian sauces should be available in your supermarket’s International aisle.)

Pour this marinade over the wings, and stir to coat the wings evenly.  Allow them to sit at room temperature for 30 minutes.

While they’re marinating, heat your barbecue grill and brush the grates clean.  If you’re using a gas grill, set it up for indirect grilling at about 350 degrees F.  If you’re using charcoal, build a two-level fire with a cool side that will allow the wings to cook slowly without burning.

Pour the marinade off the wings into a small saucepan, leaving a few tablespoonsful with the wings for basting.

Set the saucepan over medium-low heat to reduce while you grill the wings.  It’s about to become the sauce.  (No fears of contamination, because the sauce is cooking at the same time as the wings are cooking.)

Oil the grill grate and grill the wings at low temperature, basting occasionally with the marinade left in the bowl.  You want to cook the wings slowly – about 10 or 15 minutes per side (it’s okay as long as your heat is low enough!) – so that the fat that’s often thick under the skin of the wings has a chance to render out, without causing flare-ups and burning.  The wings should be crisp and brown on all sides, without being dried out.

Stir the marinade as it simmers.  When it’s cooked down by about half, add 2 tablespoons of tequila.  (If you don’t have tequila, you can also use bourbon – or skip it altogether.)  Keep stirring.  It will thicken down into a lovely sticky sauce that will be about 1/4 of what you started with.

When the wings are done, put them in a clean bowl (don’t re-use the bowl you marinated them in without washing it thoroughly to avoid bacteria contamination).  Pour the hot, sticky sauce over them, stir to coat thoroughly, and dive in. 

Serve with lots of napkins and a good white wine or plenty of beer!

I think it qualifies as the recipe I’ve been looking for all these years.  How about you?

What is it about bright shiny things?

Whether it’s something literally bright and shiny that attracts our attention, or whether it’s the lure of a new idea that’s apparently better than what we’re currently working on … there seems to be an impulse to move away from what we have in front of us, towards something new and different.

I’ve seen it in myself, and I see it in clients and friends.  And I know people who have this syndrome so badly that it’s had a serious negative impact on their businesses.

The bright shiny things syndrome is easy to slip into when you feel like you really need results.  If what you’re working on doesn’t appear to be accomplishing what you want or need – or if you’ve been working on it long enough that it’s no longer interesting (i.e., it’s no longer bright and shiny for you) – then something else that seems to have more promise can easily lure you away.

Bright shiny marketing things have an urgency to them that makes them all the more alluring, especially if you’re already feeling a sense of urgency about your marketing results.

Unfortunately, changing direction is confusing and exhausting.  It confuses you, muddies your efforts, and makes everything take longer.  Even more importantly, it confuses your customers and potential customers,  because your sense of clarity and focus (or lack thereof) is revealed in everything you do and say about your work. 

And if you’ve spent time and money on something (and time is money, even – perhaps especially – if you’re the one doing all the work), changing direction is a choice to consider carefully.  It may be the correct choice, but it’s never a choice to make suddenly, without stopping to see what’s really happening and what’s really true for you.

Are you turning towards the bright shiny idea because it seems more likely to get results than what you’ve been working on?  How real is that?

What are the long-term implications of changing direction?  How much money and time have you spent – and if you return to the project later on, how much more money and time will you spend re-engaging with the project and getting it under way again?

Just how important is the short-term need – and is your sense of urgency really justified? 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve jumped into something that sounded great (bright! shiny!), only to realize after hours and days of work that it wasn’t going to fly. 

Sometimes it was a great idea that wasn’t right for my audience at that time.  Sometimes it just wasn’t such a great idea after all.  And sometimes it was a great idea that needed time to mature and come into its proper place.

I’ve learned – the hard way – to stop.  To keep working on what’s already underway.  To pause, to wait, to ask what this idea really is and what it wants to be.  To allow the idea to develop at its own speed, showing me how it aligns with the bigger picture of what I offer and what my customers want.

Sometimes that waiting goes on for a while. 

I’m preparing to launch a new giveaway on my website (for newsletter subscribers current and future).  It’s something I outlined in a burst of inspiration over the New Year’s Day holiday.  So this idea is almost six months old! 

As bright shiny things go, that’s downright tarnished.

In terms of how it fits into the ways my business is evolving, it’s absurdly, beautifully perfect.  But I didn’t know that six months ago.   I didn’t even know it a week ago!

And because of how it fits into the ways my business is evolving, it will have a far greater reach and a far better impact for both my business and my customers than it would have if I’d finished it back in January and released it then.

How about you?  What bright shiny things are you considering?

There seems to be some circular affiliate marketing going on out there.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been bombarded by offers for the same programs from three or four different people.

Mind you, it’s fascinating to see the different spin each one has. 

Um, up to a point.

But let’s face it, there are only so many ways to say, “Hey, looky here, I want to sell you this **insert various superlatives** program that will make you **insert ridiculously large sum of money** in **insert stupidly short period of time**.”

Marketing is necessary.   Those of us who have things to offer to our customers have to be able to talk about them in ways that our customers can hear, notice, take advantage of.

Affiliates are a good thing.  I love being able to promote the work of people I appreciate, respect, and honour.   One of my clients said to me recently, “I love hearing how enthusiastic you are about other people’s work!”  That felt really good to hear.  And it’s true!  When I like what someone’s doing, I’ll trumpet it from the rooftops.  If they happen to have an affiliate program I can sign on for, that’s a sweet added benefit – but I’d promote their work without it. 

I also love being able to promote my own work.  I know what I offer is what my clients need.  And I love the ways that I keep going deeper into that, finding more and more ways to respond more and more sincerely and productively to their needs.

At the same time, I’ve been feeling more and more overwhelmed by the bombardings of superlative-laden, Must Do This Now Must See This Now Must Learn From This Now Must Watch This Video Now emails I’ve been getting.  It’s put a nastily bad taste in my mouth about the whole Marketing Thing.

For about two weeks, I’ve been hanging out with a weird reluctance to let people know what I’m up to.  I have an honest, uncomplicated offer I want to make to my newsletter readers, and I just haven’t been able to write the emails and update the sales page.  And I so haven’t understood why.

After a brief Twitter exchange with the lovely and gracious Jen Louden, it became clear to me that this apparent resistance has actually been a reluctance to jump onto the superlative bandwagon.

What a relief! 

I knew this wasn’t like me, to not move forward with something I’d planned, something that felt good, something that seemed reasonable.  So in sitting with my reluctance and resistance, I was mostly curious, and only a little bit what in the world is WRONG with me?!

I guess if this post has a point – well, there are two or three points, now that I think of it.

First, thanks to the lovely and gracious Jen Louden for being lovely and gracious and responding to my nosy questions about her feelings on this subject.

Second, good grief, people, would you (a) notice that many of the same people are on your various mailing lists, and (b) tone it down a little, and (c) when you say you’ve got an informative video actually make it informative, and not just a sales pitch!?! 

Third, to my wonderful readers – here and on my newsletter – thank you.  If you’re not on my newsletter, please sign up, because I am going to make that offer to you in the next week.   Gently, with respect, without hype and fanfare, and with a really great deal.

How about you?  What marketing hype has made you feel uncomfortable recently, and how are you responding?