swearology

What on earth is wrong with free offense?

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 20:55:00 +0000

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22332032-5001028,00.html

Fucktards...

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 17:45:00 +0000

Which reminds me....and slightly off topic, but given that only me reads this, who cares?

Blu-ray versus HD DVD. Who gives a crap? What a fantastic idea two formats that are a replacement for DVD duke it out whilst hardly anyone buys either format and all the while things move on. It seems to me I have been listening to the whole Blu-ray HD DVD
debate for at least two years.

Just look at the crapola you have to get through to make a choice:

http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,1759,1982533,00.asp

Fuck me, a DVD is pretty good I reckon and will do for now. So why the war over a format? Well it's obvious big companies love formats, they get control, and if they have a media arm or computer arm they think they can use this to leverage a position.

Sony is a classic example, and it generally fails. Look at its memory stick. Did Sony not realise that after about 3 or so years USB storage would cost fuck all? I can buy a 2 gig USB at my local petrol station for peanuts. No, Sony decided to try to force its device onto consumers and now its redundant. In the meantime Sony could have sold shit loads of Sony branded USB sticks to everyone and made a lot of cash.

Which brings me to HDBLUSHITE.....if the majors agreed on a format they could all get on with selling the product and making money. Instead they are infighting whilst the content streamers get a march on them. For me I'll think about DVD as a cheap method of backing up data, in the meantime I'll download stuff and stream it to my TV.

Which brings me to HD standards......

BOLLOCKS I AM NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY.

Patton Oswalt

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:36:00 +0000

Patton Oswalt played Spence on the sitcom "King Queens". Oswalt is a little dumpy and very harmless looking, he's also a stand up with a great line in profanity. From Oswalt's "Feelin' kinda Patton" album and the routine "Liquor Ads" comes this classic, delivered by Patton on behalf one of his creations, a drunk hot chick:-

"...see normally I fuck anything that hoves into my field of vision but this guy's new in town, doesn't know my reputation as the town jizz jar and he's going to try and start to a relationship and I am going to kill a few brain cells and try to blot out the memory of when I fucked that softball team in the abandoned hospital...if it could only dull the pain of my battered chapped pussy"

Even Oswalt recoils, a touch, at "battered chapped pussy". I don't think that's the best line, no for me it's "the town jizz jar", which is a small work of genius. For some reason, it brings to mind an old marmalade jar in to which I decanted some varnish that never got used. After god knows how many years the jar has become all encrusted and grimy but for some reason I never get round to throwing it out. Yack.

He does not know....

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 18:35:00 +0000

"shit from shinola" is an old American phrase to illustrate someone's stupidity. Shinola was a shoe polish and no doubt the black variety and shit had some similarity in appearance, but only a Jerk would not be able to tell the difference when found on his shoe.

There's an English version "He doesn't know shit from dirt pudding". Strangely, there is no such pudding in England and yet in the US there is a "dirt pudding" which is made from oreo cookies and cream.

Overheard...

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Sat, 25 Aug 2007 17:13:00 +0000

In Marlow (England) last night, young lad with a Northern accent:-

"I'd fuck her till I were three stone"

Ah the enthusiasm of youth.

Fuck me shoes

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 13:25:00 +0000

Wired is carrying a report on the "Aphrodite" shoe which is aimed at prostitutes. The shoe, carries an alarm which when activated sends a signal to the local police along with a GPS location?

Which brings to mind another phrase "are you shitting me?" Did whoever designed this shoe not think for one second that putting a 9 button electronic device on the heel of a shoe might just be a tad tricky to use?

The first time I came across "fuck me shoes" was when feminist and academic Germaine Greer launched an attack on the columnist Suzanne Moore. Greer described Moore's appearance as "hair bird's-nested all over the place, fuck me shoes, and three fat layers of cleavage".

When you see Moore you get Greer's point:

Animal Cruelty

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 17:36:00 +0000

Offensive.....

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 15:15:00 +0000

Take a look at this story

Two women flash their boobs at a CCTV camera. Later they are charged and put on trial for outraging public decency. The judge threw out the case. Big mistake: Rachel Marchant, should have been sent down for at least two years.

Really Bad Words I

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 14:46:00 +0000

Offensive

adjective 1 |əˈfensiv| causing someone to feel deeply hurt, upset, or angry : the allegations made are deeply offensive to us | offensive language. • (of a sight or smell) disgusting; repulsive : an offensive odor.

Currently this is my number 1 bad word.

See for example this story about a bunch of goons who decided to go to carnival in fancy dress. The problem was the costume chosen by the carnival goers was a Burka. That outfit, coupled with some silly names and a bit of mock praying led some students and local officious types crying that the outfits were offensive to muslims. Sometime later the leader of the revellers apologised, no doubt because his gang had been moved on by the local Police !!!!

Boo-fucking-hoo. Why on earth should people be protected from being offended? Much more worrying why should a particular group, sect, religion, political tribe - whatever - be protected from offense?

Masters of Profanty II

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 12:01:00 +0000

Joe Rogan.

Best known for the reality show "Fear Factor"; shame really he's a great stand up. If swearing ever becomes an Olympic event Rogan should head up the US Team.

Rogan's album "Shiny Happy Jihad" is a masterwork of profanity in which he reveals the secret of how he comes up with such delights as "Flying squirrel pussy people".

Rogan's blog:

http://blog.joerogan.net/

I count 33 variations of "fuck" on the first page. Nice work. Rogan is touring between September and November, with one date in London on 6 September at the Arts Theatre. Nice.

Word of warning, Rogan's got a real working class/blue collar attitude to being heckled so do it at your peril....

Vlad 'Blitzes Britain'

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 10:36:00 +0000

The Russians have resumed their cold war habit of probing UK airspace. How times have changed, Russia is still using the same old prop planes they did in the 80s, not only that they look like something designed by Howard Hughes after a bad day on coke and valium. Meanwhile the poorly funded RAF sends up a brand new all-singing-all dancing Typhoon.

Useful phrases for the latest generation of Typhoon pilots below:

otva`li - fuck off, po'shyol'na hu - fuck you, `suka - bitch

New Wave bad language: Geeky

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 08:16:00 +0000

Possibly the best blog out there is "The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs". If you've not heard of it, go look at it now: http://fakesteve.blogspot.com.

Fake Steve is a master of retard-customisation, his classics being:

1. Frigtard, Frigtarded - Fake Steve's classic, simply put, stupid people.
2. Microtards - Microsoft and its users.
3. Freetard, Freetarded - Linux and other open source users.

Other notable -tards, are:

1. Leftietard
2. Salestards
3. Bluetards (IBM)
4. Lametard, lametarded
5. Sensitards
6. Eurotard
7. Vistard
8. Zunetard
9. Delltards
10. Commentards
11. iTard
12. Greentards (a personal favourite)
13. Cybertard
14. Hardtards
15. Yelptards
16. Flametards
17. Linuxpetitiontards

Potty Mouth for Ladies, number 1....

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 14:59:00 +0000

....of an occasional series:

"Part the hairs" or "Part me hairs"

As in "Watch my drink for me I am going to part me hairs".

I got this gem from an Irish friend of mine. She is a beautiful and petite woman in her 30s, who caught me out one night in the pub when she asked me to watch her bag while by she went off to "part her hairs".

If you've not got it yet, a lady "parts her hairs" when she goes for a pee. Perfect description for the act I think.

Drunken Swearing I

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 12:01:00 +0000

Being drunk and swearing randomly and for no apparent reason go together like Derek and Clive. A great example of this is actually from Derek & Clive's 1978 album "Ad Nauseam" and the track "I can't shit". If you like swearing and like to "take a drink" I defy you not to recognise something of yourself in there.

An example of Derek & Clive's combined genius in the application of bad language:-
(Just in case you are either too young or not from the UK, Peter Cook is doing a fake commentary on a horse race which. In the 70's, all horses races were commentated on by very posh gents)

Masters of Profanity I

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 11:11:00 +0000

I am musing on the best users of profane language. The first person that springs to mind is Billy Connolly.

Ok, ok, I know, I know: the connections to the Royal Family; the wife's psychology stuff; the new age/folk malarky...but they do not detract from the fact that Mr Connolly can swear better than more or less every one.

I would go so far as to say that there are two periods of British Comedy: Before Connolly and After Connolly.

Mainstream Britain BC was inhabited by the likes of Hancock, Kenneth Williams, Chick Murray, George Formby, Arthur Askey and the like. Many of whom were extremely funny but they were not arch users of profanity, well not that you'd see on TV anyway.

There may have been plenty of bad words bandied about in the British Working Mens' club scene. However, comedians from that background were ignored and reviled by the controllers of British TV.

Connolly was the first mainstream comedian who could get away with excessive profanity without at the same time becoming a pariah. Part of this is probably down to the fact that his comedy was essentially middle class.

However, enough of my bullshite analysis of comedy. The clip below sums Connolly up. The editing of the clip is utter shite with seemingly random clips of people laughing , or not, splattered willy-nilly throughout:-

Swearers' resource

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 10:29:00 +0000

We all need a store cupboard of words to use at appropriate moments. I humbly offer some that I have picked up.

I offer a combo: "fuckitty fuck" as a jolly combo. It is to be used to express disappointment, annoyance, irritation or pain, in place of a standard "fuck". "Fuckitty fuck" is ideal to express mild disappointment as it unfolds.

Compare and contrast:-

Situation 1

You are barbecuing and decide to pick up a sausage right of the grill. That little chipolata is of course red hot and burns your fingers so much that you drop it.

Situation 2

You are late for an important engagement. You have, for some reason, decided to go by train. You are a tad late getting to the station and so have to run like a crazy bastard to get to the platform. After running like a fool through the entire station and nearly giving yourself heart failure in the process you reach the platform; only to see the train doors closing and it moving off.

Correct Application

Situation 1.

"Fuckitty fuck" has two qualities that lend itself to incidents of this nature:

1. The "itty" adds a percussive, rhythmic quality to a bog standard fuck. Much like a drum stick hitting a drum skin produces a sound from the drum skin so does the hot sausage bouncing about in your hands "oo ah fuckity..fuck..fuck...fuckitty, fuck, fuckitty..fuck..fuck...fuck". And as the sausage drops the floor you can finish with a final "fuckitty, fucking, fuck".

2. "Fuckitty" has a jolly quality which means it can be employed in social situations where children or the elderly may be present.

Very genteel ladies/high class types, may find "fuckitty" a liberating and useful word, which allows the exploration of a good standard "fuck" in a socially acceptable manner, on a regular basis.

Situation 2

A straight "fuck" is the only option. A single "fuck" has a simple, finality that matches the finality of your situation: train has gone. Not only that if you have just legged it through a station your lungs will only be able to manage a "fuck" any way.

Get fit you lazy twat.

Nice combo

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 10:12:00 +0000

I first heard this combo in about 1985. I was sat in the backseat of a Rolls Royce, driven by an unsavoury semi-criminal type. I was decorating said rogue's house and we were going to pick up paint and wallpaper.

Anyways, we got stuck in traffic on the M62 ( a motorway near Manchester, England) and said dodgy type decided to avoid the delays by driving down the hard shoulder at 80 mph. I nearly shit myself when, at one point a truck pulled halfway onto the hard shoulder so as to stop us. At which point said rogue said:

"As if that going to bloody fucking stop me"

We slowed down a tad and then got on the motorway verge and carried on. The man was a headcase.

I heard this double over the next few days, while I decorating:

"You're a bloody fucking idiot" was a typical example.

Strangely, this chap who had red curly-ish hair that was thinning on top, a pot belly, just had a heart bypass and was waiting to have his prostate minced, had a gorgeous wife who was about 20 years younger than him. You could set your watch by hearing the following phrases ring through the house:

"Denise, where's my bloody fucking dinner?"

"Denise, where's that bloody fucking tea you are making"

"Denise, get out and get me some fags I am fucking gasping here".

Denise dutifully responded to such requests providing whatever he wanted. My only explanation for her servility is that he a bloody fucking marvelous insurance policy.

Inspiration

noreply@blogger.com (Swearology) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 10:05:00 +0000

Profanity is good. It fills in the gaps when you can't think of a better word. Some people would say that's a bad thing. I don't think so. In most cases swearing is the most efficient manner of getting your feelings out. Example, you are hammering a nail and you hit your thumb with the hammer, which works best as an outlet for the pain:

1. "OW".

2. "FUCKING HELL"

No contest.