1. It’s not “birthweek” or “birthmonth.” It’s “birthday.” That’s one day. Don’t celebrate longer than that.

2. Do not wear a princess crown. Even an actual princess looks ridiculous wearing one.

3. “It’s my birthday today” should not be said more than twice and should never be said to a stranger under any circumstance.

4. Although it’s your party, don’t cry if you want to.

5. It’s not okay to hold a grudge against the people who didn’t wish you a happy birthday on your Facebook wall (although it is very tempting).

6.Opening gifts should be quick as it’s not fair for others to have to fake excitement or hold interest in something that doesn’t benefit them directly for longer than 5 minutes.

7. Cards should only be read aloud in front of close family.

8. Remember that yes, the day is all about you. But, don’t forget there are starving people in China.

9. “Chocolate or vanilla?” should only be in reference to your cake and ice cream choices. Don’t get so drunk that it becomes the way you pose your question about which guy you should hit on.

10. If you have people out for your birthday, tell them how how old you’re turning. They went out of their way to help you celebrate, they have a right to know how sorry to feel for you.

These commercials are unintentionally hilarious (and intentionally sad).

Down the street, the homeless shelter is trying to collect canned goods so some people can eat on Christmas. And, on the other end of the street, some rich ahole is stuck trying to decide between a silver Lexus with tan interior or a red Lexus with black interior.

But, no worries. At least the poor people don’t have TVs so we don’t have to worry about them seeing these commercials! Phew!

I was entering the store the same time as another guy. He was very cordial, held the door for me and let me enter first. For which I said, “Thank you. You must read my blog.”

In any other situation, like in a retail store or a grocery store, getting inside first would eventually even out as we both start browsing around and proceed to the check out in our own time. However, somewhere like Starbucks, when you walk in, there is no where to go but straight to the line.

This meant that, because he held the door for me, I would be next in line. However, I feel that is unjust. Just because he is polite, does not mean he should lose his place in line.

SOCIETY RULE #11,003: If someone holds the door for you, offer them their place in line. It is the way you express your thanks for their courtesy. Most likely, he or she will turn it down as they’re inherent politeness will not allow them to accept such a request.

Why is this look so popular amongst uneducated American women? It can’t be the uneducated part. A lot of women aren’t educated in Africa and I don’t see them shaving off their eyebrows to replace them with their kid’s latest stick figure drawing. Sure, they’re doing a lot of weird things, but nothing that tops this. I think it’s community college (still qualifies as uneducated) that’s teaching these women that this look is okay, and luckily for Africa, they don’t have community college.

The equivalent of the drawn on eyebrows is the ever disconcerting pencil/skinny/chinstrap beard. I can’t imagine that people sporting the drawn on eyebrows and pencil beard can possibly date anyone other than each other. If someone with this beard dated a woman with thick, luscious eyebrows, It’d be like the interracial couple of facial hair.

The Dollar Store is a place my self-esteem goes to die. And, if yours doesn’t, we need to have a chat about something I like to call, dignity.

Dignity is something many lack. There is proof of this in the music we listen to (Justin Bieber), the food we eat (Taco Bell), the weddings we watch (you know whose I’m referring to).  For those of us who don’t lack it, we certainly are susceptible to a temporary lapse of it from time to time.

Occasionally, when I can’t afford to pick up household items like sponges and paper towels at the grocery store, I venture to the 99 Cent store.  Actually, I can never afford household items at the grocery store and I go the Dollar Store only “on occasion” because that’s all I can fit inside my mental baggage.

My usual trip to the 99 Cent store goes something like this: Throw the car in park, look myself in the mirror, and say, “You’re better than this.” I keep my head up, not down, as making eye contact with any small children or dogs could cause me to feel something. I walk straight to the sponges, then with the grace of a dancer but the determination of an old person trying to stand without passing gas, I walk straight to the paper towels.

Once in line, I judge everyone else, take a look at their wardrobe and mannerisms just to confirm that “yes, I’m definitely not one of them.” I grab the my things, make a bee-line for my car and drive away like it never happened. If I look back in my review mirror, I can actually see a little gravestone in front of the store that says, “Dignity 1983-2011.”

I can also see the store name “99 Cent” and I realize the misgivings I have about the name. Anyone remember “7 Minute Abs,” the workout video that sheepishly tried to one up the “8 Minute Abs” empire? Well, I really hope people don’t choose the 99 Cent store over the stores using ‘Dollar’ in their name based on a 1 cent difference. If anyone has actually ever been swayed by the difference of a cent, I’d like to quarantine them so they can’t poison our society any more than they already have.

The last time I was at the 99 Cent store, someone was trying to return an item. “An” item. “An” is singular, one, uno. Someone was trying to get .99.99 cents back (and whatever tax is). I’m not really into capitalizing or making words bold, but this is an exception. They were trying to get ONE DOLLAR back. ONE DOLLAR! By the looks of the person, I’d assume the headstone out front read “Dignity 1960-2011.” Although, I’m sure there is something they did much earlier to warrant a date of dignity death around 1972.

What is one dollar worth? Is it worth putting pants on, tying up your Keds, putting the item back in the package, walking to your car, getting in the car, turning the car on, seeing you have no gas, stopping for $30 worth of gas, buying a large fry, sitting at red light, trying to find a parking spot, getting out of your car, avoiding the bum asking you for the dollar you’re about to get back, waiting in line and finally, looking absolutely ridiculous asking for one measly dollar back? Or, is it just easier to get a hobby?

In the height of the economic turmoil, even if the woman returning the item lived next door to the 99 Cent store, no, excuse me, even if she lived INSIDE the 99 Cent store, specifically ON the conveyor belt, it’s not worth the trouble. So, here at Sweat the Small Stuff, we’re writing another rule for society. It says, “Don’t bother returning and item under $8, especially if it is perishable. Suck it up and try to salvage whatever dignity you have left.” Save it for your next trip to Six Flags, you’ll need it.

Today, I was driving behind a woman who was going along at a nice pace (unusual). When suddenly, out of nowhere, she stopped at a green light to let a car in the other direction turn left.

That is when polite is too polite.

….so stop doing them, it’s a waste of paper.

If you walk out in front of a moving car and the driver is nice enough to let you cross without killing you, you have to hold up your end of the deal and hustle across the street. If you mosey across the street in a slow, arrogant fashion, you deserve to get hit. But, if you put a little hop in your step, the driver will gladly let you make it to the other side alive.