You can’t use your horn AND have a coexist bumper sticker at the same time. That’s like giving someone the peace sign with your right hand while flipping them off with your left.

This bumper sticker is the more affordable way to be “Prius Guy.” Because, like driving a Prius, this sticker makes us all hold you to a higher standard. So, when you don’t live up to those expectations, you look like a bigger asshole than the guy driving a Hummer.

When you take the shortcut, you make it a longer wait for the driver to take a right turn. If you just simply walk straight, the time consumed is fair for both the driver and pedestrian. Get it? Got it? Good.

The problem is when you enter a bathroom and lock the door behind you, it’s usually done out of habit. So, you aren’t really paying attention to the fact that you just locked the door. Then you go to use the toilet and with your pants half down you see the lock in the horizontal position and you’re like, “Shit, I didn’t lock the door!” So, then you have to use what muscle you have left after years of not exercising to, in the half chair position, lean and try to turn the lock only to realize it is already locked.

UNLOCKED

LOCKED

And, don’t even get me started on the push-style locks. If you design one of these third world spring loaded terrorist locks, you should be put on the no fly list but not before you’re ordered to redesign them until the difference between the locked and unlocked position is at least 5 inches. This is so there is never any confusion ever again if the lock is locked or not.

This style lock can’t be trusted unlike the above vertical/horizontal locks. At least with those locks you can give the handle a manly handshake and see if it is indeed locked. But, with these spring loaded anxiety locks, you go to test it and even if it is already locked, it unlocks and opens right up so you never feel secure. I suggest asking yourself this before entering a bathroom with one of these locks, “How is your karma lately?”

Another lock that has started the graying process for me is the door handle that provides no indication whatsoever whether it’s locked or not. This lock is a lot like skydiving. You just have to trust that your shoot works. Usually a key is needed to get behind a door with this kind of locking mechanism but WHAT IF THEY HAVE A SECOND KEY?! The only advice I can offer with this kind of lock is to use the toilet paper to wipe the sweat from your brow.

I imagine the conversation about putting up all these signs went something like this…

Parking Person 1: “Let’s just confuse them into a ticket.”

Parking Person 2: “Yeah, let’s make them hate their lives as much as we hate ours!”

1. It’s not “birthweek” or “birthmonth.” It’s “birthday.” That’s one day. Don’t celebrate longer than that.

2. Do not wear a princess crown. Even an actual princess looks ridiculous wearing one.

3. “It’s my birthday today” should not be said more than twice and should never be said to a stranger under any circumstance.

4. Although it’s your party, don’t cry if you want to.

5. It’s not okay to hold a grudge against the people who didn’t wish you a happy birthday on your Facebook wall (although it is very tempting).

6.Opening gifts should be quick as it’s not fair for others to have to fake excitement or hold interest in something that doesn’t benefit them directly for longer than 5 minutes.

7. Cards should only be read aloud in front of close family.

8. Remember that yes, the day is all about you. But, don’t forget there are starving people in China.

9. “Chocolate or vanilla?” should only be in reference to your cake and ice cream choices. Don’t get so drunk that it becomes the way you pose your question about which guy you should hit on.

10. If you have people out for your birthday, tell them how how old you’re turning. They went out of their way to help you celebrate, they have a right to know how sorry to feel for you.

These commercials are unintentionally hilarious (and intentionally sad).

Down the street, the homeless shelter is trying to collect canned goods so some people can eat on Christmas. And, on the other end of the street, some rich ahole is stuck trying to decide between a silver Lexus with tan interior or a red Lexus with black interior.

But, no worries. At least the poor people don’t have TVs so we don’t have to worry about them seeing these commercials! Phew!

I was entering the store the same time as another guy. He was very cordial, held the door for me and let me enter first. For which I said, “Thank you. You must read my blog.”

In any other situation, like in a retail store or a grocery store, getting inside first would eventually even out as we both start browsing around and proceed to the check out in our own time. However, somewhere like Starbucks, when you walk in, there is no where to go but straight to the line.

This meant that, because he held the door for me, I would be next in line. However, I feel that is unjust. Just because he is polite, does not mean he should lose his place in line.

SOCIETY RULE #11,003: If someone holds the door for you, offer them their place in line. It is the way you express your thanks for their courtesy. Most likely, he or she will turn it down as they’re inherent politeness will not allow them to accept such a request.

Why is this look so popular amongst uneducated American women? It can’t be the uneducated part. A lot of women aren’t educated in Africa and I don’t see them shaving off their eyebrows to replace them with their kid’s latest stick figure drawing. Sure, they’re doing a lot of weird things, but nothing that tops this. I think it’s community college (still qualifies as uneducated) that’s teaching these women that this look is okay, and luckily for Africa, they don’t have community college.

The equivalent of the drawn on eyebrows is the ever disconcerting pencil/skinny/chinstrap beard. I can’t imagine that people sporting the drawn on eyebrows and pencil beard can possibly date anyone other than each other. If someone with this beard dated a woman with thick, luscious eyebrows, It’d be like the interracial couple of facial hair.