Sweet Swine Scoop

Split Hoof Named Best Town in Sweet Swine County

2012-01-22T00:30:00.001-06:00

Split Hoof was recently named the as #1 by the "Sweet Swine County's Best Community To Live In" Award Committee. Located on the northwest edge of Sweet Swine County, Split Hoof is home to famous Purrdoo University, located just three miles north of the town. Split Hoof is perhaps best known as the home of "The House of Corn" that draws over 40 tourists each year! Split Hoof businesses include ancillary offices of KLUK TV and Prairie Ann’s Giddy-Up Boutique.

Other towns in the running included:

Swine Lake
Located in the center of Sweet Swine County, Swine Lake was the home of Aunt Ella, Sweet Swine County's most famous citizen. When in town be sure to take in Aunt Ella’s 3-D Farm Tour!
Swine Lake Businesses include Mrs. Swanson’s Sweet & Eats, The Daily Boar.

New Pork
Located on the southern side of Sweet Swine County, New Pork is the largest town in the county. With a population of 121, New Pork holds the famous Annual Running of the Pigs Weekend, and is the home of the infamous interior designer, Dougie Dougan.
New Pork businesses include Edie’s Café, The Cluck 'n' Pluck

Corn Row
Serving as suburb of New Pork, Corn Row is the home of the "Sounds From The Barnyard Museum." Kids and adults flock to that in droves. This one-of-a-kind museum offers recordings and live renderings of farm animals dating from the present back to the 1940s. Corn Row is also the home of Sweet Swine County's only high school “Flat Land High” and sometimes-winning football team, “Flat Land Prairie Dogs.”

Hamhock Hollow
Located on the eastern border of Sweet Swine County, Hamhock Hollow is the smallest town in the county. All nine citizens work on the Kluck 'n' Pluck night shift. During daytime hours, citizens kindly requests travelers and visitors to use County Bypass Road #13 skirting the town so they can get some sleep.

High Horse
Located in the center of Sweet Swine County, High Horse serves as the county seat and is home to Sweet Swine's Souvenir Shop. The shop opens whenever Mrs. Swanson is in town. High Horse is the base of entrepreneur and Sweet Swine County’s most successful businessman, Cousin John.

Cow Pie Ridge
Nestled along the bluffs on the west side of the county, Cow Pie Ridge is the home of the "Corn Cob Hall of Fame." Over 38,952 corn cobs are on display there. Many have been painted by the County Jail inmates to look like corn cobs. The inmates receive compensation for their work. Primarily, inmates use their earnings to purchase more corn cobs so they can keep painting them to make more money. It seems to be a never-ending process. And the Corn Cob Hall of Fame is the happy beneficiary of this rehabilitative work!

TV Co-Host Shocks Viewers by Saying, "Sweet Swine County Has No Class!"

2012-01-19T20:25:00.000-06:00

Nicole Hilton--the outspoken co-host of KLUK TV's hit morning talk show, The Women of Sweet Swine County--recently shocked county residents by saying, "Sweet Swine County has no class!" Hilton (pictured here in the latest outfit she purchased outside Sweet Swine County) told Sweet Swine Scoop, "It's shameful that I have to travel outside Sweet Swine County to find trendy clothing for myself! I mean, really! To think that people in the county believe that Clem's Feed Store carries all the latest fashions, well, they should have their heads examined! I've gone in there many times, and what they classify as "high fashion" is a line of 'designer' bibs. And as for trendy gift merchandise, there was one thing on the shelf: a chia pet! Come on, people!"

Sweet Swine Scoop asked Clem Johnson--owner of Clem's Feed Store--his thoughts about Hilton's comments: "No class my ass! Miss Hilton might just be getting a little too big for her TV britches, in my estimation! I will have her know that every girl who attended the Flat Land High School prom wore one of my designer bibs! They love them! And as far as my line of chia pets, they are the Number One item brides request to be listed on their bridal registries! Miss Hilton might want to consider these facts before she makes snooty comments about Sweet Swine County's fashions!"

Plans Being Made for "Eggstock": A Music and Exotic Chicken Festival

2012-01-15T14:24:00.000-06:00

The "Eggstock" event is to be held at Cousin John’s chicken farm outside the rural town of Split Hoof in Sweet Swine County. When asked her thoughts about the festival coming to Split Hoof, local resident Aunt Minnie said, “I can’t think of anything more exciting than a festival combining music and chickens. Cousin John is a genius!”

Though the dates of the festival have not yet been determined, Cousin John has begun contacting musical and exotic chicken acts from all over Sweet Swine County and beyond. We at Sweet Swine Scoop will posting updates about acts as they are booked. At present, Cousin John has not had any takers. Most prospective performers have responded with, "Don't call us, we'll call you!"

Story provided by The Daily Boar Newspaper

The Cocklebur Morning Show Host Bobby Ray Wows Crowd at Purrdoo University

2012-01-11T07:00:00.000-06:00

The Cocklebur Morning Show's host, Bobby Ray, was the featured speaker at Purrdoo University's recent All-School Reunion. Hardly anyone in attendance yawned while Bobby Ray spoke mostly about himself and his life-time achievements for two hours. Purrdoo University is located three miles north of the town of Split Hoof in Sweet Swine County. Alumni from as far back as 1952 were represented at the reunion. Held on the campus in classroom trailer #1, it was reported "a good time was had by all." A hot-dish extravaganza was served up by Betty Thompson. Mrs. Swanson, Class of '52, refused to take part in the supper portion of the event.

Pig Alley Mystery Tour Plans to Go on The Road in Sweet Swine County

2012-01-07T11:05:00.000-06:00

The biggest difference between Pig Alley Mystery Tour and their competitors is Pig Alley's attention to pigs. Pig Alley's goal has been to provide local communities the best pig action around! When Pig Alley Mystery Tours pulls into town, you know they've arrived! The pigs are herded down Main Street to elicit excitement for the imminent pig-circus-like entertainment all residents of the town may enjoy. Pig Alley Mystery Tour usually sets up in the local football field. By entering the Pig Alley, men, women and children will revel in Pig Alley's programming that includes The Running of the Pigs, a Pig-Calling Contest, as well as the Murdering-Pig Mystery Dinner! The Baby Pig Petting Zoo is a winner with kids. Children may also take part in a variety of piggy games while eating pork chops on a stick!

The town schedule for the Pig Alley Mystery Tour will be announced soon! Watch for it!

Sweet Swine County's "Professional Mourners" Available for Hire!

2012-01-03T20:07:00.011-06:00

One of Sweet Swine County's best known clubs--The Professional Mourners--is now available to hire out for your sad events!

Yes, Sweet Swine Scoop has learned this popular club is now enhancing the sadness at special events throughout the county including anniversary parties, lodge meetings, bachelorette parties, and retirement parties--literally wherever a tear could be shed in a special moment when tears are so needed. Club president, Ima Tearson told Sweet Swine Scoop, "Event planners may book all 19 members of The Professional Mourners for large, sad events, or just book the famed Wailing Sisters (pictured here) for smaller functions. Whatever your mourning needs, The Professional Mourners are guaranteed to make a sad moment the saddest ever!"

Celebrities Interviewed About Playing Sweet Swine County Residents in Film Version of "As the Corn Grows"

2011-12-21T23:47:00.058-06:00

With the completion of the feature film version of "As the Corn Grows," Sweet Swine Scoop was first on the set to interview the celebrities who were cast for their uncanny "look-alike quality" of the Sweet Swine County citizens they play in the film.

Watch these celebrities talk about their careers, and how "it all came about" that they were chosen to "play" the famous residents of Sweet Swine County.

38 Sweet Swine County Citizens Vie for One County Commissioner Seat

2011-12-21T08:47:00.011-06:00

Word has come into Sweet Swine Scoop that 38 Sweet Swine County citizens have decided to throw their seed-corn caps into the ring to fill one available County Commissioner seat. However, it is yet to be determined if each of these candidates (pictured below) are legally qualified to run. The scuttlebutt at Edie's Cafe is that a few candidates could be on the verge of being disqualified due to age (too young or too old), and others for having unpaid moving-violation tickets issued by Officer Dave for various infractions including inoperable rear-end lights on hay wagons and manure spreaders. (All county residents are reminded that all farm equipment using county roads must be in functioning condition!)

Stay tuned for more on this story.

Original Andy Warhog Paint-o-graphs Donated to Sweet Swine County Museum!

2011-12-16T18:49:00.071-06:00

Original Andy Warhog "paint-o-graphs" have found their way into the Sweet Swine County Museum! Warhog, well known as Sweet Swine County's preeminent barn painter, initially created a series of ten so-called "limited-edition Pop Swine-Art pieces" accidentally while painting Clem Johnson's barn. Warhog told Sweet Swine Scoop, "I was looking at a group of ten photos Clem had taken of his neighbors when I kinda dropped them into one of my paint cans by accident. I quickly retrieved them and noticed that they looked kinda neat. Although Clem told me to throw them away, I'm glad I didn't. It gave me an idea. I can now kill two birds with one stone--create fine art while painting farmplace out-buildings. Wait until you see my new series that I created while painting Earl Silo's corn crib! I'm very happy that the prestigious Sweet Swine County Museum has seen fit to accept my donation of these ten pieces into their large collection of art and detritus from people around the county!"

Warhog has gained county-wide attention with his creations, and his recent exhibition at Edie's Cafe drew an astounding 17 looky-loos at the opening!

Two Legion of Decency "Bored" Members Asked to Resign

2011-12-11T23:57:00.015-06:00

Sweet Swine Scoop has learned that an emergency meeting of the prestigious Sweet Swine County "Legion of Decency" was held recently at Edie's Cafe. Two board members--Cousin John and Prairie Ann--were told to tender their resignations.

Acting President Ronnie P. Silage told Sweet Swine Scoop, "There is no doubt of Cousin John's guilt! I was shocked when I viewed the inappropriate joke he told during his monologue on "Split Hoof Tonight" recently. Although it was cut so that TV viewers throughout Sweet Swine County wouldn't be offended, the studio audience at the taping was in shock! Many of them had to cover their ears! (Click here to view the questionable monologue.)

As for Prairie Ann, the scene of her cat fight on the reality soap opera "As the Corn Grow" sends a wrong message to the youth of our fair county. I am in the process of watching that particular episode again and again to make a proper determination about her guilt. In the meantime, I have requested her resignation from the Legion of Decency. (Click here to view the questionable soap opera scene.)

The photos below are of the attendees at the emergency meeting of the Legion of Decency. They were taken just before Cousin John and Prairie Ann stormed out!

"As The Corn Grows - Kernels of Corn" --Katie Seeks Answers! Will She Find Them?

2011-12-09T15:07:00.000-06:00

There's always something exciting to watch in these Kernels of Corn video clips about the citizens of Sweet Swine County who live and love "As the Corn Grows"!

Split Hoof Tonight Guest Audience Shocked by Cousin John!

2011-12-08T21:49:00.003-06:00

Cousin John, host of the highly rated late-night talk show, "Split Hoof Tonight," shocked his guest audience with a monologue that was deemed inappropriate by the Sweet Swine County Legion of Decency. The Legion of Decency was formed by a group of concerned citizens from Sweet Swine County to keep the airwaves "safe and clean" for county residents--emanating from a recent shocking scene on the reality soap opera, "As the Corn Grows." (Click here to view the As the Corn Grows scene in question).

The "Split Hoof Tonight" audience booed, hissed, and threw rotten tomatoes at Cousin John during the taping. His sidekick, Earl Silo, received minor stains to his plaid shirt and socks from the flying tomatoes! Cousin John told Sweet Swine Scoop "Listen, I'm not that concerned. After all, the tickets to view the tapings for all our shows are free. People line up around the block and wait for hours to get them. We'll always have an audience, come hell or high water!"

Newsflash! Hidden Cameras Discovered Recording Images of Sweet Swine Citizens Without Their Knowledge!

2011-12-07T10:38:00.002-06:00

Sweet Swine Scoop has learned KLUK TV--owned by Cousin John--has secretly placed surveillance cameras throughout the county.

A small hole was noticed in the wall at Edie's Cafe, and when Norma the Waitress investigated it, she found a small camera belonging to KLUK TV hidden in the wall. Norma told Sweet Swine Scoop she personally believes Cousin John has been recording "what's going on and who is doing it" for nefarious purposes.

Upon further investigation at locations throughout the county, other such cameras belonging to KLUK TV have been discovered.

Cousin John has yet to respond to this story. Stay tuned for the latest poop from Sweet Swine Scoop! In the meantime, some of the photos taken by these hidden cameras are viewable above.

"As The Corn Grows - Kernels of Corn" - Mystic Ray's attempt to "finish off" Cousin John!

2011-12-06T16:59:00.000-06:00

There's always something exciting to watch in these Kernels of Corn video clips about the citizens of Sweet Swine County who live and love "As the Corn Grows"!

Yet MORE Fairies Seen Flitting Around Sweet Swine County!

2011-12-03T14:18:00.012-06:00

Acclaimed Sweet Swine County photographer, Sarah Morphew, continues on her county-wide search to prove that fairies inhabit the culverts, groves, bridge underpasses and slough-side cattail outcroppings throughout the county. Her latest proof comes in the form of these pictures you may view above.

While several of those pictured look like the fairy cousins of some well-known Sweet Swine County residents, far be it from us at Sweet Swine Scoop to determine who is a real fairy, and who isn't. We'll leave those determinations up to you, our fairy-discerning readers.

Click Here to see photos of previous sightings of fairies in Sweet Swine County. They're profuse!

The Famous "Ham-Tons Resort" Adds New Amenities!!

2011-11-23T23:25:00.001-06:00

Long known for being the premier Sweet Swine County luxury vacation destination, "The Ham-Tons Resort" has announced the addition of two new recreational features: a three-hole miniature golf course and a self-service beer garden. "The Ham-tons Resort" caters to the elite residents not only of Sweet Swine County, but far beyond while offering discerning guests top-drawer style and impeccable hospitality services that also include a pontoon-filled harbor and triple-wide mobile cabanas.

The Ronald (aka Ronnie P. Silage) shared with Sweet Swine Scoop, "You can be sure the next time I vacation at the Ham-Tons, I will taking part in a round of miniature golf at this incredible new three-hole course. Whenever I've felt stressed, overworked or the least bit restless, "The Ham-Tons Resort," along with its incredible staff, have been the cure for me!"

Sweet Swine County's "Wandering Tabernacle Choir" to Begin 2011 One-Night Holiday Caroling Tour on Dec. 23!

2011-11-20T10:52:00.014-06:00

This holiday season, Sweet Swine County's "Wandering Tabernacle Choir" (directed by Lonesome Ron aka "King of the Valley Yodelers") will be wandering around Sweet Swine County performing the one and only holiday song they know--"On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me: One Load of Hogs."

However, the group announced that they will only be caroling at homes in Sweet Swine County that have well-stocked liquor cabinets. Due to global warming, they fear this may be an especially cold holiday season, and at each home the singers hope to warm their vocal cords with libations that make their efforts worthwhile--and help them make it through a cold night of caroling.

Sweet Swine Scoop is pleased to present a recording here that the group made last year at the home of Betty Thompson (TV hostess of "Cooking It Up With Betty" fame). Tenor Ronnie P. Silage told Sweet Swine Scoop, "Each year Betty's home is the first stop on our caroling adventure. When it comes to warmin' up the vocal cords, Betty's mulled wine can't be beat!"

Cousin John told Sweet Swine Scoop more about this years' plans: "I stopped by the liquor store in the town of Corn Row and got a list of their best customers. You better believe we'll be singing at every one of those homes this year! Cheers!"

Gulp!

Newsflash! Prestigious News Magazine Takes Money in Exchange for Coverage!

2011-11-17T19:13:00.001-06:00

Sweet Swine Scoop has discovered that Our Story Productions has been secretly accepting money from Sweet Swine County entrepreneur, Cousin John, for featuring his KLUK TV programs on the cover of "The Road to OUR STORY" magazine!

While Our Story Productions is known as the sole distributor of KLUK TV programming outside Sweet Swine County, readers of OSP's prestigious news magazine have begun to wonder why EACH of the recent covers has featured KLUK TV shows!

The truth is out! Sweet Swine Scoop was told by an anonymous source ("Nosey Norma the Waitress" at Edie's Cafe) that Cousin John has been paying Our Story Productions under the cafe-table to get coverage in its award-winning news magazine.

"The Road to OUR STORY" magazine has long been hailed for its unbiased reports highlighting all aspects of life in the upper Midwest. Now, one would wonder, just how much of a "favorable slant" Cousin John's Sweet Swine County TV empire has received because of this unfolding "cashola caper"!

When contacted by Sweet Swine Scoop, Cousin John said, "Listen, if anyone says they've seen me passing dollar bills under the cafe-table at Edie's Restaurant to an Our Story rep just to get coverage in that magazine, they're crazy. We all know how much old gum is stuck under those tables at Edie's. I use dollar bills to pick off that hardened old gum so I don't touch it with my fingers. The last thing I want is for my knees to be touching someone else's germ-laden under-table gum. That's the only purpose for which I have money under the table."

Watch for more unfolding news about this story from Sweet Swine Scoop!

Holy Suffocating Pillow Talk, Batman! Cousin John Is Nearly Snuffed-Out! See it on this "As The Corn Grows - Kernels of Corn" Segment!

2011-11-09T08:32:00.000-06:00

There's always something exciting to watch in these Kernels of Corn video clips about the citizens of Sweet Swine County who live and love "As the Corn Grows"!

Latest Survey Proves Fashion Trends Seen on KLUK TV Programs Are a Hit!

2011-11-06T08:13:00.009-06:00

Sweet Swine County's foremost statistical media research agency--The Mealson Ratings Board--has released a report stating that KLUK TV program hosts rank "off the charts" for their trend-setting fashion sense. The Mealson Ratings Board recently surveyed residents throughout Sweet Swine County about the fashion styles worn by hosts on the popular KLUK programs "Split Hoof Tonight," "The Women of Sweet Swine County," and "The Cockelbur Morning Show." County residents ranked Earl Silo's plaid shirts and seed-corn caps, Cousin John's classic suspenders, and Prairie Ann's "giddy-up-prairie-styled" couture as being "The Hottest Fashion Trends in Today's Sweet Swine County World." Indeed, residents throughout the county are now seen "copy-catting" these same fashions in their own day-to-day attire, making Sweet Swine County on the whole the most fashion-savvy county around! Sweet Swine Scoop joins in giving kudos to KLUK TV's Wardrobe Department for their inventive designs!

Click on the photos above to see many of these award-winning fashion styles worn by your favorite KLUK TV program hosts!

"As The Corn Grows - Kernels of Corn" -- Aunt Minnie Seeks Advice from Lawyer Ed

2011-11-04T23:44:00.020-05:00

As Cousin John languishes in a coma, Aunt Minnie seeks help from Lawyer Ed about retaining custody of Little John.

Remember: Sweet Swine Scoop keeps you in the loop!

There's always something exciting to watch in these Kernels of Corn video clips about the citizens of Sweet Swine County who live and love "As the Corn Grows"!

Are Wedding Bells Soon Ringing for Cousin John & Aunt Minnie?

2011-10-31T23:55:00.041-05:00

Cousin John, well known as Sweet Swine County's most enterprising entrepreneur and eligible bachelor, told Sweet Swine Scoop, "Aunt Minnie is the girl for me!" Sweet Swine Scoop enlisted Edie's Cafe waitress Nosey Norma for the real scoop about the woman who has grabbed Cousin John's heart:

As the story goes, Aunt Minnie’s mother, Sophia, married Aunt Ella’s widowed father, Axel, when he was 65 and Sophia was only 35. Minnie was Sophia’s little daughter from a previous marriage, but Axel loved her as though she were his own. He spoiled her terribly—to the point she never even had to do chores! Aunt Minnie’s life went all topsy-turvy when her mother suddenly dumped Axel for a Fuller Brush salesman. She has always hated her mother for leaving Axel. When Axel died—still dejected—at age 95, he was penniless from having spent too $much$ on spoiling Minnie. Aunt Minnie inherited the farmstead, but there was little money to live on, so she finally had to get a job. Being such a great talker and a colorful personality, her step-nephew Cousin John hired her to be a call-in talk-show hostess at KLUK TV.

It’s quite obvious that Aunt Minnie is in love with Cousin John, and longs for the day when he’ll truly admit his feelings for her, too. She jealously clings to Cousin John, and at present, is working with him to get back her lost inheritance from Aunt Ella’s estate.

"As The Corn Grows - Kernels of Corn" -- What's This? Daniel's Wife, Annie?!

2011-10-16T13:34:00.005-05:00

Yes, it's true! Daniel--Cousin John's conniving brother--has a wife, Annie! She is making plans to visit Sweet Swine County, but could her visit disrupt Daniel's plans to swindle money from his comatose brother? Sweet Swine Scoop will keep you in the loop!

There's always something exciting to watch in these Kernels of Corn video clips about the citizens of Sweet Swine County who live and love "As the Corn Grows"!

The Other "Great One"--Cousin John--Believes He Channels Spirit of Ralph Kramden

2011-10-10T11:04:00.004-05:00

Cousin John, Sweet Swine's most famous citizen, who is often referred to as "the new Great One," admitted to Sweet Swine Scoop that he is channeling Ralph Kramden, a former bus driver for the Gotham Bus Company. Kramden, you may remember, was very short-tempered, and frequently resorted to insults and hollow threats. Well-hidden beneath those many layers of bluster, however, was a softhearted man who loved his wife and was devoted to his best pal.

John Robert Olson (Cousin John), Sweet Swine County's most successful businessman (and eligible bachelor, ladies!), is Chief Editor/Owner of the well-liked online magazine, Sweet Swine Scoop, as well as the sole owner of The Daily Boar Newspaper, KLUK Television and Radio Station, Sweet Swine's central bank, It Will Be Gone Savings & Loan, along with over 2000 acres of farmland and, of course, the cornerstone of his portfolio, the Pluck 'n' Cluck chicken business.

Our thanks to The Daily Boar Newspaper for researching this story.

Sweet Swine County Residents Wonder: Is There a Future for "Mrs. Swanson's Sweets & Eats Catering" Business?

2011-10-05T19:40:00.002-05:00

The Daily Boar has learned from a reliable source (Nosey Norma the Waitress) that Mrs. Swanson's Sweets & Eats Catering may be about to go under. Mrs. Swanson was enticed by Ronnie P. Silage to invest every single dollar she had into developing his business brainchild: "HOTDISH ON A STICK"! As reported earlier, the half-baked idea went south, and now word has it that Mrs. Swanson is nearly penniless! When asked about the rumor, Mrs. Swanson scoffed, "You can't keep a good hotdish down!" We hope she's right!