sweetdarlin thoughts

52

2009-01-20T20:11:00.003-05:00

Trying to stay caught up in the game of school but I'm running in circles again. Luckily the circles are keeping me active. Both mind and body are running and so far I'm doing okay.
Today was another day in history. And of course, each day is in all practicality, but today was different. Today I witnessed a gathering of people all watching the same thing occur that others all around the world were also involved with. People around radios, televisions, computers and upfront and center watched something magical as another president was inaugurated. I am Canadian who spent the day in classes, but was fortunate to witness parts of the event. The most wonderful thing was seeing a school that lacks school spirit and pride crowd around together for more than beers to unite in the viewing of this special event.
It was magical to see 4 floors of a building focused on 2 screens in an open-concept building filling every empty space. A single line of people marked the staircase with all bodies aimed towards the same. Every balcony was contained with students leaning over the edge just to get a glimpse of the action. If our tiny University was that active in watching today's event, it makes me wonder what other places were like and how many tuned in to listen or watch today?

The End.

51

2009-01-18T23:24:00.002-05:00

It's been sometime and I've been busy trying to keep up. So many readings for classes I don't know how I'm going to fit everything into one term. I need money. I'm broke. I spent it all on textbooks and ended up with 2 dollars in my account with another book to buy. I was silly this year. I didn't try to sell any books back. Hopefully with everything going on I may be able to post a few soon. I'm running around in a million circles and honestly, I'm just typing everything going on in my head right now. I've spent a weekend doing nothing but losing time. Lost time cleaning, eating, sleeping, having things get canceled, debating with my mind, movie watching, and reading. It's been a blur of a week and another one coming. My fingers won't stop writing but I must go to bed soon. I need to get up and replay another week with new chapters. So here I end my ongoing typing.

The End.

50

2009-01-08T12:14:00.002-05:00

The Holidays were dull and now I'm back into the swing of school. Overwhelmed with the idea of buying textbooks and annoyed at the stores for only having two copies of a book that 40 people need. Why they would do that? I don't know.
It's been a dull few weeks full of strange weather and little drama. It was a nice relief but at the same time, I know it's not done and I'm still waiting for it. I miss the old traditions of family events that seem to disappear every year. This year was different with an entire family member gone. I miss him but still felt him there the entire time. Creepy? maybe. Sad? yes.
We shall see what these beginning weeks bring as I know they will pass by quickly.

The End.

49

2008-12-31T16:46:00.003-05:00

It's the end of the year and the beginning of the next. I never really understood this night. Just an excuse to get out and drink. Instead I normally get a cold and lose interest. It's now become a point that I'm not interested. A simple gathering of a few family friends, "Happy New Year", to bed. I'd rather just use the day to stay in my PJ's and watch good movies or repeats of my favourite episodes until I fall to sleep. I guess forced celebration isn't my thing. I could say I'm glad this year is almost over, but there's no promises the next one won't turn out the same.

The End.

48

2008-12-26T00:11:00.002-05:00

It's Christmas! Well, a day past by the time I'm writing this now. Merry Christmas.
I can't really put any thoughts together since I've been running around like mad the past two days. I need to settle down to figure out these overwhelming times. Will write more when I know more. Have a good few days!

The End.

47

2008-12-24T02:00:00.001-05:00

It's snowing. It's more than snowing. It's snowing like crazy!
It's strange to compare one year to another. Last year we didn't get lots of snow until way after Christmas and this year we're covered in it.
It's not melting. It's not icing. It's not even turning into slush since it hasn't had the chance to yet.
It's piling ontop of eachother with no place to go. Our shoveling mounds are already above reaching level and driveways are shrinking from two lanes into one.
Snow white snow, you are beautiful but a pain. If only you could stay this white and beautiful and then just disappear.
Instead we have the duty of cleaning you up after these ongoing drifts for weeks afterward.
From a few days of white wonderland to a few weeks of dirty slush water.
Lovely.

The End.

46

2008-12-23T13:08:00.000-05:00

It's the holidays. A time to be happy. I'm trying, I really am. Smile on my face. But if you knew me well, you'd know what's behind that smile. But I'm not here to complain. I'm here to add to my favourite Holiday traditions.
The decorations! But not the tacky outside ones that clash with the beauty of the white glistening layer of snow. I'm talking about the home-y indoor decorations of a tree and ornaments. The garlands on the stairs. The lights around the tree that light up like circling fireflies in the night. The glow of a town of ceramic houses in a town everyone wishes to be in. Covered in cotton snow, with clay people riding in sleighs and heading to their perfect homes in their winter attire.
I love the tradition on the look of winter and Christmas. Everything looks so comforting and warm. The dullest house becomes something new with a few ornaments and tree giving us something to look and dream upon. We dream about the newest year to come and the fantasies of what that could bring. A time of hope and wishing brought on by a few festive traditional elements.

The End.

45

2008-12-22T16:00:00.004-05:00

It's a strange thing. The idea of promises you make yourself. Do they really work? Unless you're totally secure and completely unwilling to ever fudge the guidelines of this promise, I say no. You can't promise yourself anything with the parameters we want. Things get in the way. Subjects change. Environments change. The whole idea is outrageous. I find myself promising that I won't look at the clock until I've finished reading this page of an assignment only to look after the next sentence. I don't know if it's just me, but I find unless there's some other motivation, I can be happy fudging my promises to something I'm still okay with. I know me and I know the practicality of me too. I'm flawed and so are the promises I make myself.
But that doesn't mean a promise to someone else will be broken.

The End.

44

2008-12-17T06:28:00.000-05:00

I'm being ignored by a few. This whole boy and girl thing just won't let up. Why is it everyone seems to misinterpret the other completely wrong? I never asked for anything. I never expected anything. And now, so things don't get outta control I'm stuck alone. Where is the logic in that? All I want is someone to talk and hang out with and I can barely get two words. I know it's bad timing. Same here. Suck it up. Grow up. Give me the time of day.

The End.

43

2008-12-16T07:15:00.000-05:00

I have no distractions. No school. No work. No gatherings in the way. I'm left with my thoughts and I find it's not a nice place to be. I'm going nuts in my mind and I'm not sure which way's up or down anymore. I spent a night even with the TV on cuz I was too tired to even watch something. I listened to music and slept with salted tears on my face. I couldn't breathe. There's so much I can't figure out and still so much to deal with that I can't juggle it in these moments. When I have things to do, I take a quick moment and it's done. But when there's nothing to do, that quick moment can't be cut short. It lingers, and so does the pain. I'm driving myself crazy fighting with this force inside of me. The force that just makes me want to curl up in bed forever. The force that makes me think sleep is best. The force that ends connections. I don't like it and don't want to be there. But even the busy moments I don't have only phase them out for limits of time. I need to deal. I just don't want to. So here I go, fighting.

The End.

42

2008-12-15T17:00:00.001-05:00

Hair cuts and cleaned rooms. Practically a tradition after a stressful time when everything's been ignored. I reinvent in a sense by starting fresh and starting over. Like a cleared head in physical terms.
Starting new. Until I need to again.
The End.

41

2008-12-08T21:25:00.002-05:00

Almost done all my shopping. That's right. I'm going out before the malls are too busy and avoiding as much chaos as possible. I already have enough of that without adding horrible mall shoppers to it. It's not that I hate shopping. I love it! I shop weekly, but this little fact makes me hate holiday shopping even more. During this time there are so many people that can't navigate themselves through the simplist layout that it drives me made. Newbie shoppers that think every store around them is brand new. Shoppers that tend to stop at the top of an escalator to think. Shoppers that instead of stepping right into a store they slow to beyond a snails pace as they pass by the door blocking the enterance for the five people that actually know they want to enter. Who ever knew that a class could potentially be created to teach people 'how to shop in a mall'? I wish something would exist so I'd never have to endure holiday shopping torture again.

The End.

40

2008-12-07T22:12:00.002-05:00

Only a few more exams and then I'll be done. I'm losing motivation and I'm losing speed. Feel like I could sleep forever, but it's not really an option right now. Question after question. Quiz on top of quiz. Two hours gone here and there. I don't get how my brain is still working when I'm overloaded like this.

The End.

39

2008-12-06T00:01:00.000-05:00

The food and drinks. Nights of warm, milky hot chocolate. Dinners of Turkey, stuffing, and sweet potatoes. Desserts of Christmas pudding with rum icing. The memories of tastes so distinct, if something changes, you notice. There's always those few classic nights and meals that are so traditional, nothing is real until you have it. That's the way it is with my Christmas. A traditional once had, of Christmas Eve at the Grandparents has changed dates in the past few years. It's a tradition that I love and miss every year on that day. However, it comes in delay and so does Christmas also. It's not officially that time of year until this memorable meal and I cannot wait to taste it again.
I know I don't have much of a reading base. But if you come across this page, I would love to know the one thing that makes the Holiday season real for you. Without, it isn't the same. Thanks.

The End.

38

2008-12-05T09:00:00.000-05:00

Study study study. My mind is spinning around in circles! Can't concentrate because I'm so worn out and have so much on my mind. I got to stop doing this to myself around crazy/busy times. How come I can't hold out on the drama until later?
But that's not why I'm writing. Forget the drama. For now at least. My mind needs to process anyway.
Another favourite winter thing... the patterns and colours it brings. A few years ago those crazy christmas sweaters with the snowflake patterns were the tackiest thing, but they're back for the better. Of course, not really my style, I love seeing people embrace the holidays with their own clothing styles. For me, it's bows, slipper socks and patterned boots. For others, jewelery, sweaters, hats, bags. Anything with patterens and colours only acceptable for the embrace of the Christmas season. You really can't wear snowflakes all year 'round (even if you're up north). It just isn't proper or the same. It's the special time of year that makes you long for it for another 330 days to come back again the next year.
So I say welcome back silly sweaters, it's been too long. You're retro cool for at least this year and who knows what will be next?

The End.

37

2008-12-04T01:16:00.001-05:00

The Holidays are coming up and I'm getting excited. Things are starting to cool down school wise, but of it's also cooling down outside. Mornings wake me up only because I forget I should be wearing more layers. Of course, waking up makes me want to stay curled up in bed and not have my feet touch the cold wooden floor. But I love the hats and scarfs I can bring out. And nothing's better than wearing comfy cool boots. Not the bulky ones with rubber and drawstrings that are so heavy it's almost like a daily workout, but the ones in cool colours and comfy lining that keep you warm and definitely show my personality. I love the comfort of a boot. It's like a larger slipper on your foot you can wear out of the house, and even the most relaxed style looks fashionably cool.
I'm just rambling here. I think I'll be taking a few posts to say some of my favourite Holiday things. First, warm and comfy winter gear. Tomorrow? Who knows? We'll see what my mood is and what I'm liking that day.

The End.

36

2008-12-03T01:00:00.000-05:00

Complete exhaustion. That's what I am. Compared to the days of adrenaline rushes, today's sleep deprivation brought out my early-morning character. The personality I create that no one should see. The one that comes out when I've been woken up against my will. The one that frowns and grumbles when being spoken too unnecessarily. The personality I have that brings out my crabby and moodiness. Leave me alone and don't return until I start to smile. Except today I couldn't be avoided. I has too much to do, which stressed me out and angered me more. I'm glad it's over. No more projects with people that get under my skin. No more phone calls for no appartent reasons. No more meetings that get nothing done. I have individual exams and then time to rest. I'm glad it's finally come. It's been too long.

The End.

35

2008-12-02T01:38:00.000-05:00

Sleep. Who needs it? I've gone days without any proper rest. A power nap here. A cup of coffee there. Makes me wonder why bears hibernate for so long anyway? They have fur, and with all that weight they have to have enough fat on their bones and yet they sleep the winter away. How long is a bear's life anyway? The sleep at least half of it away. What a waste. Yet, of course, by the time this is posted I've fallen into a deep full day of slumber.
Oh my life. When do I really get it back?

The End.

34

2008-12-01T01:00:00.000-05:00

Gosh. This boy/girl thing is getting complicated. What is it that brings the two guys I like in a subconcious battle with eachother? Niether knows the other, but somehow one knows when I'm talking to the other. At least on a subconcious level. If I haven't heard from one of them, as soon as I start to give up they pop back in just when things are going good with the other.
I can't win! It's like I'm a lab rat and the variables keep changing. They mess with my mind even after I think a decision has been made. The biggest problem is, they are polar opposites and I have a completely different connection with either one. On top of that, one is appartently leaving while the other has been in my life forever only to make some progress now.
It's a tug-of-war and I'm the mark in the middle. Hopefully this is enough of a rant to get me focusing on my final projects again.

The End.

31

2008-11-30T03:23:00.000-05:00

Finals. They're almost here and I'm in such relief. There's no reason to break down now (except I still feel like I need too). I'm almost done and then some freedom begins.
Not the best kind of freedom. It's left half empty.
I'm missing people this season. I'm missing traditions. Pieces are broken and things have changed. It's not the same. Never will be again. But I'm glad that something other than the torture I've been through is coming up as a sign of relief.

The End.

32

2008-11-29T02:00:00.001-05:00

Sleep. I plan to get some tonight. Hopefully uninterrupted and dreamless. Power-napped today and woke up to the strangest feeling ever. Obviously from reaction remnants of a dream, but I barely recall them now. All I know is I dreamt of meeting someone I had never seen before, which is strange. Can you really dream of someone you haven't met? Aren't dreams the workings of your mind sorting itself out? So who is this unknown being and why couldn't I have sorted out the thought that aren't actually jumbled in my mind and need sorted out. Silly mind, work properly. Stop creating new things and start sorting out the present ones. My mind is too chaotic as it is.

The End.

31

2008-11-28T14:26:00.003-05:00

I'm finally able to breathe. At least for a few minutes. It may only be for a short amount of time, but it feels good. I'm finally ending classes and on top of that, half the stress. As each assignment is ending, I feel less trapped. Of course, I have two more presentations, and three more written projects but that's not the point. It's ending, and I'm still surviving. Makes me think I can get through the last bit (or at least pass out trying). I'm still running on little sleep most nights, lots of coffee, and pure adrenaline.
The End.

30

2008-11-27T18:52:00.002-05:00

This term has been hectic and these weeks even worse. Full of busy days and lots of confusion.
Lately I feel so stretched out. Imagine a fruit-rollup that's been pulled at every corner just before the hole starts ripping in the middle. That's me. Like a trampoline that's just about to give out. I've grown up into this super responsible person that too many depend on that. At work I find myself doing responsibilities that aren't entailed. At school I'm always depended upon as a leader-type unless there is a strong character willing (there never is). With friends, I arrange the group outings and times together. But it's not fun anymore.
The problem with this is if I give up I feel like a slacker and everything seems to fall through the cracks. Work would be ten times more stress, school projects would never get done, and I'd lose out on great friendships.
There's no win-win here. Maybe someday. I hope.

The End.

29

2008-11-26T00:14:00.002-05:00

I'm mellow right now but I should be stressing. I blame it on the beauty of music. I have songs flowing through me that are radiating in a calm, sweet happiness. It's bringing me back to the things that I miss. The things that made me so happy in the moment. The memories that I wait for again. Those moments that will stay everlasting as good moments no matter what bad happens later.
I recommend listening to Snow Patrol's "Set Down Your Glass" if you're wishing for the same soothing qualities.
The End.

28

2008-11-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

I'm shivering. It's cold in the house. I should really have some tea or something. I need the caffiene anyway. The whole day was full of stress and arguements.
Group assignments in University are a joke. How can you say 'this is like the REAL world' when in the real world school and work aren't in the way of group meetings?... it is your work! There's no time for anything. We fudge time by skipping the ends of something and arriving late to others. We collect our thoughts in confusion and aggrivation. We ignore our stomachs just to not waste the time consuming anything but knowledge.
I sit here in this cold house as a habit from these learned abilities. Ignore yourself. Ignore the time. Focus.
But it's time to listen and feed myself in warmth and nutrition. The life of a University student.

The End.