So instead of dwelling on things that are kind of crappy right now and how some things are just plain weird, I am looking for inspiration. I broke out all of my cake supplies this morning and realized I made a total of maybe 3 cakes this year. Sad! I have been depressed, too busy, lacking inspiration and motivation. I need to see the world as beautiful and inspiring and not so ugly as it can be at times.
I made these mini lemon cakes with a creme filling and thought it is a good pic to post for self inspiration.

Peanut has been struggling in school. He has had numerous tests done including evaluations from OT, PT, IQ, etc. We had the IEP meeting with the school (that I have been dreading) with the principal, his teacher, school psychologist, OT, Special Ed., etc. According to their testing and evals, there is a significant discrepancy between Peanut’s IQ and skills. He also is showing weak fine motor skills. This leads them to conclude that he needs some extra assistance in school. Okay, not a big shock…not even a shock at all I guess. Considering his birth history it is not suprising. I guess know I was hoping that he would not need any extra help. I was really hopeful that we would be done. Was the realistic of me to hope that? I guess not. And it kills me.

He will have therapies 10 hours a week during school hours and go from there. I am feeling pretty confused inside and praying that I am doing the right thing for him. I am absolutely terrified that he is labeled “special needs” or “specific learning disability”, but that is already happening. I don’t want him to be defined by these labels and likewise I want him to get any help he could need. A is pretty certain the school is in it for the money and getting funding when there is a special needs child, etc. He is cynical and I do not blame him one bit. Adding that uncertainty to this mix is not helping. A has always been a skeptic of the therapies Peanut has been in. Always questioning and wondering if it really has made any difference and what if we had left him alone so to speak…would he be any different? Pick someone apart and you will always find something. I of course, believe firmly that OT, PT, speech, and the extra attention given to him has made a huge difference. Significant difference. And no, I don’t know how he would have been if I did not take him to therapy, work with him and so on, but my gut tells me he would not be doing as well. I think it has made a positive difference. But the doubt is there.

I want everything for Peanut. No, I am not one of those parents who thinks their child deserves anything and everything. I just want to make sure he gets what he needs so he is the best person he can be. And I do not want him to be labeled something and then expectations are lowered and/or people get the wrong impression of him. I do not want him to feel singled out or different from his peers. Pulling him out of class for therapies does that. It might not be such a big deal now but in first grade it very well might be a noticeable stigma and certainly in higher grades. I just want average for him. That’s it.

I see him struggling. I do. With his handwriting, his ability to sequence, numbers. His vocabulary is fantastic and speaks very well. But he has gaps in his thinking. He will be talking about something and then start using words that are not logical to what he was just talking about. He gets stuck and repeats what he was just saying. So how much of that just needs to be learned? Personality quirks? He is my son after all.

As much as A and I see things so completely different at times and as much as it completely stresses me out I am thankful (?) for the differences. We will meet somewhere in the middle, we will always make sure Peanut’s interests are first, and we will both always be tempered.

I pray, I hope I am doing the best for Peanut. And right now I am convinced of nothing.

Add all of that onto the expectations put on Kindergartners now. If you have one you know. 55 sight words by the end of the year, counting to 100 in various sequences, homework every night, and so on. Oh, and add to that an asshole kid in Peanut’s class who threatened him with physical violence. Yes Kindergarten. And this is a top rated school.

He also failed his hearing test. I assume it is fluid in his ears again. Hopefully just allergies.

He is complaining of a pain in his chest that comes and goes. I think it is an inflammation of some kind, nothing serious. I have made a doctor appointment for all of this.

So, yeah.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/05/07/AR2009050702967.html?sid=ST2009050803185

http://www.phillymag.com/articles/bad_parents/page1

I attempt to drop him off at the playground which is the protocol at the school. He was screaming, crying, and pulling on my shirt. !!!! Peanut. My sweet boy…WTF?! The bell rang and I left with us both miserable after I told him I loved him and would pick him up right after school.

I don’t think there is anything terrible or bad going on at the school. I have triple checked that with him. So I am thinking he is angry and scared because he has no choice in this. Did I give him too many choices before so now when he is forced to do something he does not want to do it is now this huge problem? What makes me so upset is not the fact that he said those words to me, it is the fact that he felt so alone or scared that he resorted to that action….

My Peanut told me he hates me and I never thought that would happen so soon! Little shit.

It is tough being a bored five year old but tougher to be the mom of said bored five year old.

I am not ready for Peanut to start Kindergarten but I bet he is.

Helping my mom has not made me a better person.

This house, like any, is going to be a work in progress.

I hate works in progress.

We are going to Legoland!

I can’t wait to drink a cold beer on the beach.