Greasy man pulled from Crown shaft

A man who crawled into the greasy depths of the Crown entertainment complex is in hospital after 11 hours trapped in an exhaust shaft that serves the complex’s restaurants.

The 25-year-old climbed into a duct about 11pm and crawled deep into the building before coming to a sticky stop in built up fat and grease extracted from numerous kitchens, Metropolitan Fire Brigade Commander Wayne Garrard said.

When I clicked through to the actual story the inner headline was not quite as vivid in its description. I took a screen shot of the link from the home page for prosperity.

My favorite quote from the story was from the Fire Brigade Commander:

‘‘It looked like a cow had just given birth,’’ Commander Garrard said, describing the state of the extracted intruder.

Like I said at the start... WTF?

However, not everyone is fortunate enough to live in a 'Masterchef' society though, as this clever little ad from Compassion Australia points out.

Preparing and enjoying good, healthy, tasty food is a wonderful thing. No wonder so many people are passionate about it! But for the 1.4 billion people in our world living on less than $1.25 a day, simply feeding themselves is a daily challenge.

People that followed Masterchef closely will probably find it more amusing than others, either way, it's all for a good cause. Check out the Challenge website here.

The new, self titled album, Stone Temple Pilots was released in Australia on 21 May 2010. Needless to say, a quick visit to JB HiFi and I was sold.

The album kicks off with the first single "Between The Lines", a rocky, up tempo little number that provides the ideal opener.

"Huckleberry Crumble" reminds me a lot of a driving 1970's classic rock song. It has got a 'Les Paul plugged straight into a Marshall' vibe and proves that sometimes simple is best.

The fourth track, "Hickory Dichotomy" takes me back to the "Tiny Music..." era. "Dare if you dare" is a dreamy, psychedelic style pop-romp that probably owes more than a little to the Beatles. The following track "Cinnamon" also shares a dreamy vibe, before "Hazy Daze" picks up the rocking pace again.

"Bagman" is another 1970's inspired track and "First kiss on Mars" seems like a massive hat tip to David Bowie.

The album sees the welcome return of the Dean DeLeo, psychedelic, wah affected guitar solo. Throughout the album Scott Weiland seems to be channelling the spirits of the 70's rock gods. For example, there were a couple of moments during the first listen where I thought I may have been listening to Bowie. In my opinion, the music and the melodies are as good as anything the band have released, either collectively or through other projects.

Whether you're a fan of STP, classic rock or just after a cracking good collection of songs, then there is a good chance that you'll like this album. For me, this is the album of the year so far. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but I don't care, it's just good to have the Stone Temple Pilots back.

Here's the video for the first single "Between The Lines".

I guess that's why I was surprised when I logged in to my analytics today to see that the site seems to have crashed through that ceiling. In the last 30 days Swollen Pickles has received 55,665 unique visits. I decided to go back a couple of months. As it turns out November 2009 (30,459 visits) was the last time unique visits to the site were under 40,000 for the month. Since December 2009, Swollen Pickles has been averaging over 43,000 unique visits per month.

So what have I done to cause the traffic to burst through the glass ceiling? I honestly don't know. Truth be told, I've been less that active on the blogging front over the past six months. Updates have been sporadic at best. Does this mean apathy breeds success?

What are people looking at? Well, it seems the biggest camel toe in the world is a crowd pleaser, with that page receiving 120,153 page views in the past six months. In terms of keywords, "camel toe" is still a big one, with an odd mix of other keywords also popping up in the top 10 keyword list, including the very specific "why is mommy moaning book". Disturbingly, 130 people also came here looking for an "infected penis". Maybe they were really looking for this little guy?

I'm confused. At times it seems as though the posts and pages I put little - or no - effort into are the ones that receive the most attention, whilst the posts I spend time on get all but ignored. Maybe less really is more?

Dexter by Design opens with Dexter and Rita on their honeymoon in Paris. Nothing really important happens. Dexter and Rita return home. A couple of bodies turn up on a beach. Dexter is intrigued and begins his own investigation. Soon his sister Deborah, a Miami PD Officer, is also on the case. When Deborah is stabbed by a suspect and almost killed, and Dexter's new happy family is threatened, Dexter goes into protector mode, to track down the killer and deliver his own little slice of justice.

Dexter by Design was really just that, Dexter by numbers. Where as the first two novels difficult to put down, I have to say with Dexter by Design I had more trouble picking it up that putting it down.While the TV series continues to maintain the edge that drew me in to the character initially, the books seem to have grown a little tired.

It's hard to talk about Dexter by Design without acknowledging it's predecessor, "Dexter in the Dark". My problem with Dexter in the Dark was that Lindsay attempted to explain why Dexter is what he is, and the explanation was way out of left field. You see, in the third book, Lindsay introduced 'super natural' elements to explain Dexter's nature.There was a lot of talk about demons, a cult and the suggestion that Dexter was being controlled by a demon. My problem with Dexter by Design is that it carries on as if the events of the third book never happened. It's like the third book was "all just a dream". Maybe this is Lindsay's way of saying that the third book was a mistake? Maybe it was just a dream? I don't know, either way, not addressing it at all seemed a little dodgy.

Maybe it was just me, but I found that Dexter by Design was missing a little of the twisted humor that popped up in the first two novels. One of the strengths of the first two books was discovering how Dexter observed the world around him and I found that to be missing a little in Dexter by Design.

Dexter by Design is definitely not a 'must read'. If you're a hardcore Dexter fan, you'll probably want to give it a look. If you're just a lover of good books however, stick to the first two Dexter novels and give this a miss.

A friend of mine emailed me the image below (no idea where it originated from*). Hosting a dinner party? Then this little trick could be just what you need to spark things up a little.

* Edit: According to a good reader, Tay, it was originally in Wired magazine.

Kick-Ass tells the story of Dave Lizewski, a teenage who one day decides that he wants to become a real life superhero. Unfortunately for Dave, he has no super power to speak of, which really puts him behind the eight ball in the crime fighting department. In his first attempt at crime fighting, Dave/Kick-Ass is stabbed and hit by a car, ending in an extended stay in hospital. While the trauma results in him having some nerve damage, and slightly reduced sensitivity to pain, he's still not exactly super hero material. Undeterred, he heads back out to fight crime, this time fending off three muggers. These events are filmed by onlookers, which result in Kick-Ass becoming a YouTube sensation.

Dave quickly sets up a MySpace page and begins taking requests from people who need the help of Kick-Ass. However, Dave soon learns that he is not the only superhero in town. Big Daddy - a former cop played by the slightly creepy Nicholas Cage -- and his 11 year old daughter Hit-Girl, are on the trail of crime king pin Frank D'Amico. Kick-Ass crosses paths with Big Daddy and Hit-Girl, only to become embroiled in their plan to bring down D'Amico. When D'Amico wrongly believes that Kick-Ass is responsible for the hits his crime empire has taken, Dave finds himself in some hot super hero water, that he may not get out of... or he might... I'm just to build some suspense and not give the plot away.

While at times Kick-Ass -- the movie now, not the character -- seems to be lampooning the comic book/superhero genre, I was never quite sure whether I was watching a piss take on the superhero movie or watching a superhero movie that takes the piss out of itself. I think I've settled on the former. Kick-Ass is a super hero movie that doesn't take itself super seriously.

Kick-Ass stirred up a little controversy, in Australia at least, due to some "offensive language" and violence. Most of the controversy stemmed from the fact that a majority of the swearing and violence was committed by an 11 year old girl. Yes, there is swearing, yes, there is violence. However, if you've been to the movies in the last five years there is probably nothing in Kick-Ass that you wont have seen or heard before.

All in all, Kick-Ass was an enjoyable popcorn flick. It sits half way between comedy and action movie. There are enough laughs to keep things chugging along, but just when you think you're watching a comedy, something serious and/or sinister happens. It wasn't quite the film I had hoped for, but it wasn't a dog either. I'd give it 3.5 out of 5.

I set up a 'feature' section to highlight some of the lengthier and, perhaps, more worthwhile posts. I also included a 'top 5 most popular posts' section that drags the top five posts as flagged by the Popularity Contest plugin. Perhaps it says a lot about this sites readership, but currently the top 5 posts are all camel toe related. Should I laugh or cry?

One of the bugs I'm trying to fix, but am currently a little clueless about, is incorporating the 'threaded comments' feature that is now a standard part of Wordpress. From what I can tell, the threaded comments function is working, it's the styling (CSS) that is letting it down.

As part of this theme I also wanted to play around with Twitter, not because I find Twitter all that useful, but just so I could understand how to integrate it within a website. It seems like all the cool kids are incorporating Twitter into their blogs so I thought I'd have a crack at it myself and see if I could get something going that didn't rely on a plugin. As you can see, if you scroll to the footer, I got it working. My only issue with it now is that when there are long URLs in the 'tweet' is forces the tweet to break it's bounding 'speech bubble'. Not sure how to overcome this. The easy (cop out) solution would be not to post long URLs in tweets, but I'm sure there's another way...

So if you spot any bugs, have any ideas on how to fix anything that appears broken, or even just styling suggestions on how to make this whole beast look a little more aesthetically pleasing, I'd be happy to see people post them here.

This list may be contentious, heck it caused me some inner conflict, but never the less, it represents my best attempt at putting together a list of the top 5 zombie movies of all time. As with any top 'whatever' list, I'll be counting down... to number one.

Number five: Resident Evil

Ok, so it's spot in the list is debatable, but before you say anything I need to declare that I find Milla Jovovich very attractive, and therefore my opinion on this movie may be a little tainted. Resident Evil is a very very loose adaptation of the video game with Milla Jovovich starring as Alice who wakes up with amnesia, to discover that she's implicated in a zombie virus conspiracy. Off she runs in a red dress to slay many a zombie and save the world... potentially. The 'Milla Factor' allowed Resident Evil to narrowly edge out other worthy contenders to the number five spot including the rom-zom-com 'Shaun of the Dead' and body snatchers style 'Slither'. Interesting factoid, in 1999, Sony and Capcom greenlit a Resident Evil film with George A. Romero signed on as the film's director and screenplay writer.

Number four: 28 Days Later

Danny Boyle's 2002 zombie dish 28 Days Later was as much inspired by Day of the Triffids as it was Dawn of the Dead. As with a majority of zombie films it focuses on a core group of four 'survivors' struggling to come to terms with a 'zombie' apocalypse. The film opens with Jim waking from a coma in hospital, only to discover that the world he has woken up in is a lot different to the one he remembers. Bizarre medical tests, really angry chimps and lord of the flies style behaviour, 28 Days Later has something for everyone.

While 28 Days Later can take some credit for breathing new un-life into the genre, I couldn't find it a spot higher than number four in my list. It's good, don't get me wrong, it just gets a bit ordinary toward the end. The fact that the dvd release hints at a number of vastly different endings probably tells you that the makers of the film weren't 100% sure about where they wanted the film to end up. If you stop the film at the point old man Frank gets infected, then you have a cracking good zombie movie. After that, it drops off a little.

Number three: Dawn of the Dead (original)

Potentially a controversial decision, Dawn of the Dead (original) slots in at number three on my all time greatest zombie movie list. In my opinion Dawn of the Dead is the grand daddy of the zombie genre. When a mysterious plague begins reanimating the dead and humans become their food of choice a small group of four survivors (notice a theme here?) band together and find refuge in a suburban shopping mall. It's a classic for a reason. Even though the film has been around longer than I have, it still stands up well, even with it's 'B' grade feel, and DIY special effects vibe.

Thanks to Dawn of the Dead, if you took a poll of people and asked them where they'd go if there was a zombie outbreak, I reckon a good percentage would respond with "shopping mall".

Number two: Zombieland

While it's the new kid on the zombie block, it made an immediate impression on me. Zombieland is part zombie movie, part comedy and part road movie. When four survivors (wow... four survivors... that must be the optimal number with which to band together and fight a zombie horde?) find themselves drawn together on an impromptu road trip across the zombie ravaged USA. The cause of this zombie apocalypse? Mad cow disease. The main character, Columbus, lives by a distinct set of rules that he has developed in order to keep himself alive. He preaches the importance of cardio, the dangers of bathrooms and the need to always check the back seat. Zombieland even features a cameo from Bill Murray playing Bill Murray. Priceless. Zombieland is funny and educational. Most definitely worthy of the number two.

Number one: Dawn of the Dead (remake)

Remaking the George A Romero classic Dawn of the Dead was always going to be a controversial decision. Remakes generally suck and who wants to take something beautiful (a zombie film) and make it suck? Fortunately for Zack Snyder he was able to turn his hand to Dawn of the Dead and end up with a film that was every bit as good, and in my opinion, better, than the original. The 2004 Dawn of the Dead is not a direct shot for shot remake. It takes the elements that made the 1978 version such a cracker of a film and adds some new stuff. The remake abandons the 'four survivor' model so popular in the zombie genre in favor of a larger ensemble cast focused around Ana, a nurse who loses her husband to a child zombie before making her way to the local shopping mall. There she joins other survivors as the exist in the pseudo sanctuary of the mall, until the inevitable happens...

Sure the remake may cop flak for abandoning the slow and steady zombie in favor of the rabid and frenetic variety, but I like it. I challenge anyone to watch the first 10-15mins and not be drawn in.

"When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth"

It's been almost two months since I last posted anything here. It's not that I haven't thought about it. I have. I've even started writing. I'll get one or two sentences down, and lose interest, before hitting the 'delete' button. If I can't muster up enough enthusiasm to get a paragraph down, why should I expect anyone to read it?

Based on the comments people have been leaving lately, it would seem that the only people reading this are either web site owners, looking to leave a token comment along with a link to their website, or people who can't get passed the fact that not everyone thinks 300 is the greatest film ever made.

I've had a revised 'theme' sitting in the can 95% ready for implementation for the past few months, however I haven't been able to muster the motivation to knock over that last 5%. To me that's not a great sign, and one that leads me to the inevitable question, 'why am I doing this?'

I started this site up over five years ago for one simple reason, to see if I could do it. It wasn't about the number of visitors, it wasn't about the content and it wasn't even about making some extra coin. It was simply to see if I could set up a functioning website and maintain it. I guess I ticked that box. After a while, people started to actually visit. From there I figured that if people visited, then I could probably put some ads up to fund the whole experiment. Then it became about making money to pay the hosting bills.

Where is this all heading? I don't know. Where will this site be in twelve months? I don't know. Maybe I need a month on a tropical island to refocus and figure out what it is I'm trying to achieve, both with this site, and elsewhere. Maybe I'll focus in on a niche, or maybe I'll just post stuff that amuses me. I don't know. I do know that five years is a long time to maintain the status quo.

Emo rant over.