symbolic-reality

motivation

2011-10-01T00:53:00.002-04:00

I've recently cut a lot of ties with people in my life, and I'm working towards being okay with this. Friendships don't always last forever, that is something I need to understand, people let you down. It's depressing to sit and think about, looking back at all the fun times I had with soo many people, but then i think about all of the really crappy times I had with those people, the hurt feelings, the self-centered-ness of it all, and I don't miss it, and I know that I am better off. I'm getting married soon, MARRIED---to the man I love, my best friend. I'm so happy that I have the rest of my life to spend with him, and even though we've been through ups and downs, and even though things aren't always perfect, I wouldn't have it any other way. I really enjoy not having to deal with the "he said - she said" nonsense, I LOVE being drama free, its amazing. Not only dram-free but crazy free, besides my own crazy, which is enough to deal with, trust me. :)

SO I graduate in May, but I'm losing motivation for school. I hate homework, writing papers. I need motivation. I can't seem to think about anything else but wedding stuff.

I need sleep. I have to be up in 6 hours. Crazy.

<3

death and taxes

2011-09-11T00:42:00.001-04:00

The past several years have been ~~trying~~ for me. I suppose that only makes me stronger, but losing someone, even someone that you didn't see all that often but loved is a difficult thing to cope with. I want to understand the meaning of life. the meaning of death, and what is to come. I guess that's why I am a philosopher, constantly reading, constantly thinking...hoping for the best, but coming up with answers a lot of people don't want to hear. In retrospect I've accepted this, I understand that people aren't always going to like my propositions, my opinions. I feel more and more that I am slipping into skepticism, but again, I'm okay with this...is this wrong?

Another thing, IF you, me, or anyone else is a "true believer", (lets define true believer, as someone of the Christian faith who believes that Jesus is the one and only savior of the world), and say this "true believer" really thought they were what they claimed to be, but in the back of their mind, have a back up plan, "well, if the world ends, and I'm wrong about my faith, that's okay"....is this person still a "true believer"? This question has really bothered me. I suppose because of my feelings towards god, in my mind and heart, I believe myself to be a christian, however I still think other ways are possible, I don't feel comfortable saying, "hey, you're not a christian, so...sucks to be you". Is this wrong? Does this make me not a christian? or even a skeptic?

Lately I've been telling those people that I care about the most that I love them. Something I usually reserve for my parents, fiance, sister, and grandparents. But with so much death and loss, I want people "leaving" knowing that I love them, and that I care. I really feel that it is important.

I hope to have more answers someday...for now I guess I'm left with my thoughts...and yours.

-Trisha

i'm sensitive

2011-05-21T03:48:00.000-04:00

This is probably not the best post, but when are my posts really awesome? Anyways, if you don't like what I have to say, get the hell out.

I'm in a sea of people yet I feel alone. This has to be the bipolar talking, it just has to be. 2-3 weeks ago i felt great, I was happy, I was planning my wedding. But now I try to find reasons to just get out of the house. I'm such a sad person, a lonely person. I'm going to get to the end of my life and have nothing to show, but then again, who says we have to have something to show at the end of our lives?

People want to be your friend, but is that what they really want? Aristotle said we were lucky if we only had one or two good friends in life. I feel this is true.

I have so many mixed emotions right now, I'm so compliant. Fuck. I want to feel something, I'm tired of being apathetic. Towards my life and the people in it.

The past week I've drank every night, mostly alone. I really don't want to slip back into my old habits, but the alcohol makes life easy.

Sometimes I don't think the people in my life realize how sensitive I am.

I just want peace of mind. I want to ~~feel something~~ again.

Jewel is my go to when I'm sad.
It just makes me want to make you near me always
And when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please, 'cause
Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth
And it makes me want to make you near me always

here i come ethical egoism

2011-01-27T20:56:00.000-05:00

Fuck it. So much for being happily engaged. I'm miserable. How in the hell can I expect to be getting married when I don't want to be alive? I don't want to kill my self, but I'm sick of being here. There really isn't a point to life, it's bullshit. Why can't I have something normal in my life? Just the slightest bit of normalcy would be nice, I suppose that's too much to ask for. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being different, standing out, I take pride in it, but I can't find anyone that I connect with, a friend who really understands me, a significant other who actually wants to spend time with me. and if you're thinking.."god, she's so bitchy", you're exactly right, I am..and I have earned the right to be, so FUCK you too.

Whats the point of being someones friend when they're just going to push you away? Do you keep trying? I want to be a friend, but I feel that the straining of everyday life, my crumbling relationship, and my daily dose of craziness...this ship is sinking fast.

As for Love? What the hell is that?! Loving someone for the rest of your life, their life...until one or both of you die. Fuck that. I don't want to be committed or tied down. I'm over it. I don't believe in happily ever afters, not any more.

I hate you. and really i don't have you, but take some kind of fucking interest in me god dammit!

I need to get the hell out of here. i think I'm slipping back into my alcoholic lifestyle..and to my surprise, I'm okay with it.

Fuck religion. Fuck being happy. Here I come Ethical Egoism.

"And it feels, it feels like trading brains with an imbecile... for real.
Yes I feel emphatic about not being static
and not buying philosophies that are sold to me, at a steal.
Just when you thought it was safe to think,
in comes mental piracy, NO!
What I'm looking for,
cannot be sold to me.
I wish they all would stop trying
cause' what I want and what I need,
is and will always be free."

tears stream down your face

2011-01-25T21:46:00.000-05:00

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Even though I am getting married..and even if I have someone who loves me...I still feel down. It's something I struggle with on a day to day basis. I suppose that's what happens when you're bipolar. I can't seem to focus on anything. It's hard just writing this damn blog. >.< Even though I'm around so many people, I still feel alone. I try to make myself feel better by acting like everything is okay, convincing myself if I seem happy to others, eventually I'll make it there. -Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about getting married, however I still feel this way.

Today in one of my classes, we were discussing Justice. Two distinctions were made, a person being Just in everything they do, OR a person who is not Just, but appears to be Just to everyone. I feel that I'm a mixture of both. There are things I've done wrong..but I feel no remorse...and as long as people think I'm Just...I don't care what I do. >_>

I'm so tired of being in school and it's the second week. I just want to get the hell out of this place, I need a change.

I also need a hug or two.

Snow has fallen

2010-12-23T02:46:00.000-05:00

Is it lame that I still like Dashboard Confessional? I don't think so. Brilliant Dance may still be on the top 5 song list of my life. I feel that it describes my teenage years that I often like to drift back to, just for a moment, then I come back to reality.

My boyfriend/fiance has decided to join the Navy. Yes, he wants to be a Navy Seal. This is a good thing. I'm actually happy about it, excited for him. It's been something we've talked about for two years, and he's finally decided to go with it. Just because I'm excited doesn't mean I'm not nervous, I'm quite nervous. I don't want to think of the bad things that could happen, I believe that thinking about what could happen, would just give them more opportunities to do so. We're getting married, though it already feels like we are. We share a bank account, an apartment, a bed, two cats, a car, two televisions, and the list could go on, but for time and my fingers sake I'll stop there.

Right now I'm listening to the first song we made out to. I know it's personal, but this is my blog, if you don't enjoy what I write...stop reading. ;)

"Slow cheetah come before my forest,

Look like it's on today
Slow cheetah come, it's so euphoric,
No matter what they say"

This song takes me back to my freshman year of college. I kind of miss that time in my life, when all I really had to worry about was going to class and seeing my boyfriend. yeah. Things have definitely changed for the better. Sure i miss that time in my life, but now I have a job, an amazing guy that I get to wake up two every morning (amazing!), and two adorable cats. I don't have to depend on my parents or anyone else for a matter of fact, I like knowing that I can take care of myself, sure it's work, and yeah, it costs money but its worth it.

Christmas! Woo! I'm kind of excited. There isn't a whole lot of stuff I want this year, I've never asked for a lot of stuff anyways growing up. Sure there are things that would be nice to have, but I'm pretty content in what I already have. I'm not complaining, it's nice to get gifts. My favorite part (hold on tight, this is going to sound lame) is watching people open the gifts that you give to them.

"Dirty South...can ya'll really feel me?" Stop judging me. I enjoy Aaliyah. So what?!

"If I let you know

You can't tell nobody
I'm talking bout nobody
Are you responsible?
Boy I gotta watch my body
I'm not just anybody
Is it my go, Is it your go
Sometimes I'm goody goody
Right now I'm naughty naughty
Say yes or say no
Cause I really need somebody
Tell me are you that somebody"

I suck with grammar. >_< Now that my gangster song is off, I can move on. :) It's also a bit odd that the next thing on my playlist is Strawberry Wine. No comment. Go ahead and judge me. ^.^

So back to the wedding stuff. We'll be getting married as soon as he gets back from basic training, and then right after that he'll be leaving for SEAL training. But after SEAL training is over, I'll be moving to a base or wherever the hell they have him posted. While he's in SEAL school I'll be finishing up my BA in Philosophy and Religion. I feel that my life is taking form, it's shaping and it's so nice to see some progress. <3

I want to leave you with is an excerpt from one of my Philosophy papers.

"The last thing I want to mention is Aristotle’s idea of friendship. This has really stuck out in my mind, and has given me the desire to contemplate the “friendships” and “connections” in my life. I used to try to be a people pleaser, I would do anything to have others like me, and I wanted to be their friend. But you can’t have hundreds and hundreds of friends, life really isn’t like facebook; Aristotle thought in your life you would only have a handful of friends. Friendship takes time to build, time, energy, love, and commitment. It’s hard to find friends who will always have your back, and that is the truth, through my life when I tried being a people pleaser, I never had true friends, and I allowed people to use me. I now know who my friends are; I have 4 or 5 people in my life who I am close to, who know my soul. Aristotle knew what he was talking about."

dreams

2010-11-03T20:20:00.000-04:00

South Korea! I may be traveling there Fall 2011 for a study abroad program. I'm fairly excited about this. With my major in Philosophy and Religion, learning about other cultures is one of my favorite things. Getting to know peoples hopes and dreams is my life goal. This would be an amazing opportunity for me. I've always wanted to travel to another country and have that experience. My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving out of the United States once we've graduated from college. I still want to attend graduate school and then onto my PhD. There are several graduate programs over in Japan, I have family and friends who live there now and claim to love it. Nothing is set in stone, not even my South Korea trip, but I can dream, and perhaps I'll make it my reality in time.

M and I just moved into a new apartment, actually it's a basement of a friend, but we have our own bathroom, fridge, and kitchen area, we've divided it up and it feels homey. There are still several boxes that needs to be unpacked and art work that needs to be hung, we'll get there.

Do humans have free will? >_> Things to ponder.

Currently Im kind of sick, so Im not going to continue this post.

Best Wishes!
~T

Would just like to say...

2010-09-12T15:14:00.000-04:00

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

Always best to start out with lyrics.

Where to go from here. My life is on the verge of breaking, I am at a crossroads, and I'm not sure which path to take. On the one path, it would lead me down a comfortable road, knowing what would eventually come of it. Down the other, I will find out how far the rabbit hole actually goes. (I love the Matrix and Alice and Wonderland, but that's besides the point). I can't decide which path to take, I want them both, if i could have two me's, that would be great, then perhaps I wouldn't be faced with such decisions. Or the way of my life is to always have such dilemmas and I'll never be able to escape them. If someone could just point me in the right direction, maybe they're both the right direction, and it doesn't matter which one I choose, I guess I'll never know.

I love that when I'm drunk, I want to discuss the universe. I feel that I should stop my drinking habit, that perhaps it's mixing incorrectly with my medications, and creating this surreal world inside my head where I have the two paths that I spoke of earlier. I could try not drinking for awhile, see where that leads me, and maybe I'll be in love again.

Example: If you've read my blog previously, you will understand my position on not going to a christian church. Over the summer, I was taken off of a medication, and put on a new one, while on this new one, I wanted to go to church, I wanted to spend more time with my parents (I love my parents, and I enjoy spending time with them, but my desire to hang out with them was way high). Another time during the spring/summer when I was on another medication, I wanted to end things with my boyfriend, I wanted things to be completely over, just to throw away four years of my life, in a single moment. Now I'm back on another medication (perhaps the same one from the last time I wanted to end things, my doctor wanted to try it again with a combination with another medication to see how they may work for me). I've only been on this medication for about two weeks, and the whole time I've been smoking and drinking, two things I normally do not do. I feel that doing said things have led me to my current state of mind, in which I feel there is a crossroads.

Solution: Stop drinking for a month, no smoking for a month, stay on my prescription medication and see where that leads me, and in a month, I'll know what exactly needs to be done. Well maybe not exactly, I'm don't feel that right now in my life I should be making life altering decisions. I'm not sure how this medication will coincide with my mind and body, or if I want to stay on it. I feel like there will never be an end.

Please feel free to suggest something, share your thoughts and opinions. I am a fairly open being.

Cheers!

one up

2010-07-12T02:32:00.000-04:00

Another year older, some would say wiser. I feel invisible, my existence doesn't concern others. They do not need me, nor do they depend upon me to survive. God? Where is God? I need a shoulder to cry on, but have lost them all through the years. Perhaps I drive people away? The friends I've had through life, have somehow disappeared, and I can't figure out where these people, my friends, are going. Even with my closest friend I feel distant, things with my boyfriend are sour, at the age of 22 I am falling apart. Medication, sickness, low-self esteem, depression, what the hell is wrong with me? Why have I never been happy? Sure there have been times, moments of happiness, but never a true happiness, never consistently happy with anything or anyone. Why not? Are other people happy? Is happiness even a real thing to experience? Am I going mad? These questions and more are bouncing through my head, reminding me that I never stop thinking, I over-think, I complicate, I destroy. Where is my sanity? My joy? "Fight for your life...fight for your joy" he says. Who am I fighting with? Why fight? Why can't it simply exist in my world? It's almost as if my life is like "a wisp of smoke", I'm lingering in the air, and just get swatted out of the way, pushed to the side. "Change it" he says, how can I change it when I cant find the strength to get out of bed in the mornings?

*womp womp*

~T

Midrash: The Book of Ruth

2010-06-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

This is a midrash that I wrote for The Book of Ruth

Love,
~T

Ruth

I began with a man He and his family His two sons Chose me Chose her Took us to a new home The white horse came Death fell upon Elimelech fell upon Mahlon and Chilion Mother sweet mother where shall we go? What will you have us do? You’ve heard from the Lord Your God Found life found food Traveling with you mother through the desert along the road Gravel in my sandals I’m so hot The sun beating down on my body My thirst begins to consume me Her thirst too Oh mother can’t we stop Please mother just one rest she said Sister must not stop Keep up with mother stay with her Judah we made it to Judah Mother wants us to leave, why would I leave mother? She would be alone I’ve connected with her bonded with her She has blessed us Asking the Lord to bless us to keep us safe Guide their hands she says Guide their footsteps she says Go go away from me now I have nothing left to give you my heart is broken my womb is empty There is no child at my breast Their bones have left us nothing I no longer have a husband neither do you Go back to your family Your mother your father Make a new life for yourselves Meet other men go out with them Don’t think of me Don’t think of the empty bones The white horse came and left us nothing Go Go Go leave now We are still young Still beautiful we could have a chance I could have a chance Must not go should stay with Naomi Orpah too Stay together live together She’s gone my sister is gone Left us with a kiss and said farewell Mother tells me I’m foolish that I’m stubborn Go she says Your sister-in-law is smart Making a new life for herself Why doesn’t mother understand? I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE HER just want to be Exist close to her I can not leave you Not now Not ever Mother I’ll follow you to the grave I love you Ruth you don’t give up easily Follow me Go with me I still believe you’re foolish So young and beautiful Wasted Made it to Bethlehem the town is so strange people are so different here Women and men were pointing at us They know our story know what happened Word travels fast Naomi takes care of me she takes care of us Becomes angry tells them how God has changed our world Destroyed her life But life went on Time continued I tell Naomi I should work find food Contribute to our life Put on my sandals My gardening clothes and I’m out of the door I work endlessly The sun is beating down again hot against my body sweat soaking through A man approaches me Lets me know he’s been watching me I’m blushing So tall and handsome I’m hanging onto his words I let mother know what he said I am always welcome in his garden Welcome to pick up some of his harvest He makes me feel special lets me take more then what I was taking at first makes his servants leave me extra Wants to make sure my stomach is full Boaz should marry you he would take care of you Never lift a finger Not worries for the rest of your life or mine Go to him mother says visit his chambers respectfully Put on your red dress look your best Ruth this is our chance Your time to shine I sit across the room waiting on him to realize that I’m here feeling a bit foolish but must obey my mother She knows best I’ve startled him doesn’t recognize me without the dirt on my face and grass on my knees Lets me know I look amazing Before we can be must find another man find out if he wants me He has first choice Boaz has to wait impatiently but he obeys the law of his God Mothers God I stay with him through the crowing of the rooster Wants me to sneak away making sure no one knows I’ve been there they can’t get the wrong impression they must not know secret is safe Sends me back to mother not empty handed I’m home with enough food to last us Mother thanks her God He she says is the one who made this possible believes I’ve found favor in his eyes I explain what happened that I must wait find out if this other man other relative wants me does not matter what I want wishing it would just be over Just want to be with Boaz He is in the city now At the table of men deciding my future My future wish it were mine Want to own it Want to be it But I am a woman and can not think for myself they think I made the decision to come here Why must my future be left to them? The man declines does not want me does not want the Inheritance of my father-in-law Boaz agrees to take the land Boaz takes me So thankful what I wanted came true there is a God Boaz my husband I am his He is mine We are one The night is long but cool Moon is full he kisses me softly whispers of my beauty of his love for me Naomi is proud of me She knows I’ve done this for her saved our lives Boaz has me in his grasp forever nine months pass Our son Our fruit Our Obed Baby boy stay forever sweet baby boy Naomi cares for him changes him bathes him what a love she has for him Grown up serving God Loving me Loving his father Naomi smiles at me holds him close and we thank God together.

Based on The Book of Ruth.

Work Cited

Coogan, Michael, Marc Brettler, and Carol Newsom. The New Oxford Annotated Bible with the Apocrypha, Augmented Third Edition, New Revised Standard Version. 3rd. New York: Oxford University Press, USA, 2007. 392-397. Print.

Why this flood in Nashville is truly catastrophic.

2010-05-04T16:04:00.000-04:00

Written by: Rachael Whitley

Why this flood in Nashville is truly catastrophic.

(click the link to share via facebook) Today at 13:24

Downtown, courtesy of tennessean.com

As the news has done little to cover this flood at a national scale, I wanted to take a moment to address some of the realities of life in Nashville.

First, Opryland is completely destroyed. It is in 10-12 feet of water. Not only does this affect tourism, as the executives at Opryland have already declared that it is going to take months to get it back up and running, but it also greatly affects our economy. One, Opryland is a driving force for tourism. People come from all around simply to stay there. While there, they are paying our hotel tax, spending money in our restaurants, shopping in our malls, visiting our museums... they are helping to keep this city alive.

Inside Opryland, courtesy of tennessean.com

Beyond that, though, is the reality that Opryland is one of the largest employers in the state, and as of Sunday, all of those people are currently unemployed with no hope of returning to their jobs until at least months of cleanup and rebuilding have passed, and that is assuming their jobs will be there when (and if) Opryland is rebuilt.

Aside from that, the Grand Ole Opry is also down and out. One can only hope that they will relocate back to the Ryman, at least temporarily, so as to keep Music City singing. Losing the Opry depresses tourism by not only depriving this city of its most famous asset, but also losing the money from the ticket sales.

Grand Ole Opry Stage

Also, all of the shops and restaurants on First and Second Ave. will be a long time cleaning rebuilding. As valuable contributors to this city's economy, they will be not just NOT bringing in money, they will be spending it as countless dollars of their property is thrown out, unusable.

Second Ave., courtesy of tennessean.com

Also lost will be the jobs at these businesses, as salespeople and servers provide no use to stores and restaurants that are neither selling nor cooking.

All this is ignoring the lasting impact this flood will have on all the individual families impacted by the destruction. Houses, cars, furnishings, and clothes are all devastated. As the fortunate families who had flood insurance struggle to rebuild, they are still left to spend their precious cash out of pocket, even though most are living in temporary shelters with no jobs left to go to.

Community near Nashville, courtesy of tennessean.com

The rest, who have no flood insurance, are simply left with devastation and a desperate need to figure out where to sleep next week, where to eat today, and how to access drinking water, now that the second water treatment plant in Nashville is shut down from flooding.

Lighthouse Christian School, Antioch, TN, courtesy of tennessean.com

Finally, many schools are shut-down. Children have been left to clean-up their disasters at home and their disasters at school. They are not taking their standardized tests, hoping to do their schools proud. They are sifting through debris looking for remnants of their childhood to recover. They are begging their parents for something to eat. They are thirsty.

This is life in Nashville right now. As we try to get back to our lives, we face the impossible reality that people are suffering all over this city and the nation cares more about who owned the SUV that held the bomb that didn't go off. I realize that you all have your own devastating realities that you're living through at the moment, but I would ask that you take a moment and think about how you can help us.

If you're in Nashville, go to http://www.hon.org/AboutUs/index.php/disaster/FloodMay2010.html and register as flood response volunteer. If you're not in Nashville, donate to the Red Cross, or send clothing, bottled water, or food to my family for them to bring down on their trip this weekend. They will be leaving Thursday morning. All donations will be taken to local distribution centers at churches and community centers.

At a minimum, please tell people what is going on here. Since the news isn't spreading the word very effectively, please step up and help us do that, at least. Go to www.tennessean.com for information and photos. Even those of us who are not directly affected, we all personally know someone struggling to get their feet back on dry ground.

Please do what you can to help!

end it...now

2010-05-03T22:36:00.000-04:00

Finals week. Stress. I want Saturday morning where I'm not thinking about classes, homework, or other people's problems, I just want to think about the possibilities the day has to offer.

This is really all I have time to say.

~T

black balloons

2010-04-21T02:39:00.001-04:00

It's that time of the semester, when everyone is running around not knowing what direction they are actually headed in. Three papers, three exams....one of the papers counting as my final, I'm feeling the pressure.

Doctor appointment today, nothing new to report, but a more official diagnosis. New medication, not too happy about it. When I start out on a new medication I never know how I'm going to react to it. It's kind of like going to sleep and never know who you're going to wake up as tomorrow. Michael seems to think I was getting better on the previous medication, but then again there were way to many side effects with it, so today my physician made the switch. We'll see how it goes. I'll try to keep you updated.

Lately I've stayed busy with school, thus why less postings. I miss posting. It's a way of release, and it's such a great feeling. Letting loose my thoughts and just going with the flow of my soul. There are just some times when I want to scream, ever feel that way? Completely and thoroughly ~~angry~~, ~~annoyed~~, ~~frustrated~~, & ~~stressed~~. Why can't things in life be simple, similar to this photograph? Or can we all just grab a balloon and make our troubles disappear? Is it that easy?

"There are things we can't recall, blind as night that finds us all
Winter tucks her children in, her fragile china dolls
But my hands remember hers, rolling 'round the shaded ferns
Naked arms, her secrets still like songs I'd never learned

There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the windows closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone"

I often find myself pondering my childhood, memories of my grandfather getting on his hands and knees romping around through the house like a horse, going rock collecting and then spray painting the rocks three distinct colors; red, green, & gold. Then the time I had the chicken pox, my papaw came over every day with a new barbie doll for me (I had the chicken pox longer than most children, so I ended up with about 8 barbies). He built me paper houses out of construction paper, sounds insignificant, but they were really great model houses. He would cut out a piece of card board for the base of the "land", then past green, brown, and black paper for the road, dirt, and grass. On top of that he would construct whatever color of house you wanted. I wanted a red house so he made me one. My cousin Rachael wanted a white house and that is what she got. We had trees, and white fences around them, and also flowers. My grandfather has always been a very patient, very talented man, well as long as I have known of him, or what I can remember of him at least.

"...Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast..."

Nonsense is beautiful.

Nirvana

2010-03-26T00:30:00.001-04:00

I feel everything I want to say comes out the wrong way, like word vomit. Most always unintentional, still seems to make me feel stupid after I've spoken. Why can't I forgive and forget? Get over how I was raised? Why am I so FUCKING pissed about it? I feel like I've been lied to my entire life, how the world began, who is god, what is a soul...questions like those, I was told not to ask. "Keep your questions until after Sunday School, then come talk to me about them" <---reactions from various Sunday School teachers growing up. Why can I not ask questions? Why was I not allowed to ponder? >_> Time and time again I found myself sucking it up, "keep on keeping on" or "just give your all to Jesus", don't get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with practicing Christianity, however, it is not my cup of tea, it does not sit well with me, well not all of it at least, or how it's taught, I suppose what aggervate's me so much about the ordeal of growing up is that I never had a choice, my parents thought they were doing the "right thing". But I dont believe it was the right thing for me, to each their own.

~~I wish we were born with the capacity to choose our own lifestyle and belief system.~~

Would that not make things in life so much easier? Knowing already what you believed in? Why do we have to have faith anyways? Is there a purpose to this life?

In my personal beliefs, this quote from the Buddha is engraved onto my heart.

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense."

I'm more of a diversified being of belief systems. I wish I knew how to refer to myself, or the name of the god I pray and hope to, but I do not. These are things I fear I will never know. Honestly, I used the word "fear", but I really don't fear that I will never know the answer, at least "not in this lifetime".

I want to be impartial, objective, open-minded when it comes to religion and the ways of others. I want to learn to accept them just as they are, in hopes they will accept me just as I am. "Love thy neighbor as thyself", treat others the way you want to be treated. I truly want this in my life, I want to reach Nirvana.

Perhaps I'm more Buddhist after all. No matter the title of my creed, I know what I believe.

2010-03-23T14:50:00.001-04:00

I love spring.

just sleep

2010-03-11T02:06:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I want to tell you all my secrets. Well not all of them, but the things in my life that bother me, hurt me. Things that I have a hard time accepting and

Why don't I?

~~Maybe I'm afraid of what you'll think? Embarrassed of who I am? I really don't have a reason.~~

I have speculations, I have theories, but when I've tried explaining my theories, my thoughts, my soul to others, they've laughed me out of the doorway, shrugged me off, like one of those annoying beetles you find in your home every summer, tried covering my feelings under the rug.

Now, if you think I'm wining, I am, if say I'm "bitching", you're correct. I have the right, this is my blog, don't read it. :) Moving along.

Things in my life right now are a bit, complicated. Things with Michael are great, the cats are doing well. School is very stressful, I've been very sick the last few months, one thing after another really. Dealing with new medications, new doctors, forms to fill out, bills to pay, jobs to find..etc..

Don't get me wrong, I love life. It's beautiful, however there are times when I feel so hopeless. <----that's depressing huh? I'm sure you've stopped reading by now. But "the show must go on".

One of my mentors recently said this to me..." Decide the kind of life you want to live and set some clear goals..."
I'm thinking about the kind of life I want to live & what goals I want to reach.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

2010-02-28T17:58:00.001-05:00

Im attempting to set my cell phone up with my blog. Hope this works =)

I'm On Fire.

2010-02-26T23:40:00.003-05:00

Today is Michael's birthday, we went to my hometown, to have dinner with my parents. While my father and Michael went to the restaurant to wait for a table, my mother and I went to pick up my sister from her praise team practice at their church. On our way, we get a call from my sisters friend, telling us to take a back road into the church, that there was a fire on the road right next door and the main way was blocked. My mom began panicking, I like to think I kept it cool on the outside, but on the inside all I could think about was a smell. How weird? Let me rewind here. Last January, we (my family) lost our house to a fire. We lost everything we owned, I believe I was the lucky one of the situation, I had just moved a few of my items of clothing back to my dorm room, but my parents and younger sister, lost everything. The fire at my house happened early on a Sunday morning, I didn't get a call from my mother until 8am or so. I drove home...what was left...

We rustled through the rubble that Sunday, waded through freezing water on the floor of the house, and tried to imagine why it had happened, what we could have done to prevent all of this heartache.

The worst thing we lost, were our keepsakes. Our memories, family portraits, heirlooms, home video's, things that can never in this lifetime be replaced.

We tried to salvage as many of our winter clothes as we could. Each article was saturated with the smoldering stench.

Imagine a scent that reminds you of the worst possible thing, person, situation in the world, and this is what this odor is to me.

Tonight, I relived my house fire. I wasn't there a year ago, I didn't wake up to the sound of shattering glass, sounding as if there were a killer in my home, smashing all of my antique glass pieces, smashing anything he could get his hands on, I wasn't there to smell the smoke the first time, I didn't see the high flames, or feel the heat. I didn't have to run through the street in the middle of the night, seeking the help of my neighbors, trying to make myself wake up from this mad dream, but my parents did. Tonight, I felt like I was there a year a go with them, in our house, listening to the glass, hearing the sirens. It was all too real.

The odor was throughout my hometown, through out my parents church, in my hair, my car, my clothing, and after driving forty-five minutes back to our place, showering....I still have the vile smell all around me.

I hate leaving on this depressing note, but I have nothing left to give at the moment. Thanks for reading.

ilovemountains

2010-02-18T12:56:00.004-05:00

Mountain Top Removal is killing Culture! Stealing Our Heritage!!! SAVE THE MOUNTAINS!

Check out "Lost Mountain" by Erik Reece, "Work and Faith in the Kentucky Coal Fields; Subject to Dust" by Richard Callahan, and "Sludge" a documentary by Robert Salyer.

http://appalshop.org/sludge/

www.dirtymoney.org

http://www.ilovemountains.org/news/673

Dealing

2010-02-10T18:01:00.001-05:00

Some reason or another these lyrics are in my head, "as long as you love me so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow". We have about 4 inches outside my house. I love it. I have no where else in the world to be, but right here. Sitting in my office, looking out through my window onto the street.

Amour

This is outside my window. Beautiful.

Normally I'm not a fan of the snow, I like to be on the go, but since classes started back, being home, and doing absolutely nothing is wonderful. Watching the white flakes drift from the sky may be my favorite thing to watch. It's relaxing, and face it, all college kids need to relax.

This is an email I got from my mother yesterday, regarding my Nana. Just one more thing on the plate to swallow.

"Didn't get to tell you earlier; Nana went to the surgeon today. She is sending her to see a Radiologist at St. Mary's that will do her radiation treatment after surgery. They do a specialized treatment there that is only 5 days instead of the 6 weeks she would have to have with normal radiation treatment also with less side effects. She goes there next Wednesday to talk with them to make sure that is a good option for her and then she will schedule surgery with Dr. Logenza after that. Dr. Logenza said the lump is very small, about 7 mm, from what they can tell. It is in Stage I which is very early stage. They will also check her lymph nodes when they do the lumpectomy, which is a normal process."

Why do bad things happen to such good people? Some tell me, "it's god's way of showing his healing power." Others have said "that's just life." I'm not sure what to make of it all. I don't handle things like that very well, something I've never been able to do. As harder I try, the tears just seem to come faster. I suppose I feel sorry for myself, but more importantly, I'm concerned for my Nana, she's so brave, unafraid, and just straight up tough. One of the most important figures of influence I've had in my life. Someone I've always been able to talk to and lean on. Today I called her, and when we talked, the only thing I seemed to be able to do was cry, and tell her how scared I was for her, and Nana simply said, "Im not scared, you shouldn't be, It's going to be okay." I look up to her, and love her with my whole heart. If I could choose anyone in the would to be like, it would be my Nana.

Just a few things going on inside my head. Thanks for listening, well...reading.

Until then,

"I cant take my mind off of you"

2010-01-30T23:57:00.001-05:00

Do you ever listen to a song, and just feel the lyrics, like you're flowing with them, you're emotions, thoughts, everything you have in you? That's how I feel listening to The Blowers Daughter by Damien Rice.

Speaking of music, iTunes is on shuffle, currently it's If I were a boy, which really isnt such a bad message. However the style isn't really my thing. To each his own. The lyrics are pretty empowering for women though.

Sharing Time: I opened up to my friends at the sleepover last night, gave them some insight to my thought process, and low self-esteem issues. One of my friends told me that I need to stand in front of the mirror every day, and say something I like about myself. I believe she said pick out a different thing each week. This week, it's my eyes. They're blue, like the sky...and the ocean. That makes me smile.

Back to the party, we had TONS of food left over. I've called all of the people I know telling them I have amazing free food...and on one's interested. Makes me sad, I hate wasting food when there are people around the world, and in my own country who are starving. I really believe it's great that our country helps out other countries less fortunate than us, but we have our own people here in the United States who need our help as well. Children in the streets, starving, girls having to sell their bodies for a warm place to sleep at night. It's not right.

"They say abortion will send you straight to a fiery hell
That is if the fanatics don't beat satin to the kill
It's not what I can do for anybody
It's what there body can do for me

Well I wanna see, I wanna see
What can you do for me?

They say that Jesus loves you
What about me"

What do you think about people who date/marry others who are several decades older then they are? I'm curious.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages-- and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings.."

-Trisha

Shine

2010-01-30T02:51:00.000-05:00

boyfriend went out of town tonight for a disc-golf tournament tomorrow. I decided to have a sleep over at our place, so that I wouldn't have to stay here alone. It's really been fun. Did some yoga for about an hour or so...most the the night we sat around talking...and just letting out our frustrations of life. Much needed.

Sunday, my friend Demetria and I are going to the gym, then probably coming back here to do some yoga. Yoga makes my world go round. ^_^

I have a blister on the tip of my tongue...and my upper lip is chapped. sad face for sure.

Tonight it's me, Jim and Tippie sleeping in my queen size bed. :) Love that. Though, I miss the warmth of my other half next to me...tomorrow. :) unless he gets snowed in someplace..that would be bad.

Im cold. I want spring. Warm weather.

Bedtime.

Goodnight all.

~T

vegetable soup

2010-01-25T15:39:00.000-05:00

I thought I would give live journal a try, I hate it. That's okay, I'm content with my blog here. :) So far today I managed to sleep until noon, missed my {two} classes, and made some vegetable soup. Currently my heart is feeling a bit down, I'm trying to exercise daily, and stay on a low calorie diet. It's difficult, considering dieting has never been one of my fortés in life. I'm a work in progress. I try to think of it as a lifestyle change, rather then a "diet". The word "diet" doesn't sound friendly.

Lately I've had a difficult time falling asleep and staying asleep. One of my doctors recommended a herbal drug, Melatonin, it helped in the beginning, but now I'm back to where I started. Every night, I fluff my pillow, and lay on my stomach. I then have a second pillow that I bunch up and it sticks under my left breast, with my left arm wrapped around it. My right arm is laying diagonal above my head, if that makes sense. This is the only way I sleep comfortably, well, when I sleep. Maybe it's my bed, I just bought this mattress back in the summer, it's fairly new, maybe we need a mattress pad. Hmm...where could I find a really comfy one..?

Anyways, suppose I should be going. Lots of stuff that I need to read and study. Test on Friday in a science class (science and math and defiantly not my fortés either).

Until then.

Anger

2010-01-19T00:11:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find yourself wanting to be angry with others? People who have wronged you? I do. I feel like the world owes me something, that the people who wronged me, owe me something, all the while, I drag my thoughts and feelings of them through the mud beneath my feet. When I think about people who have wronged me, hurt me, or just traded me as a stock on the market, I feel rage, anger, hate, depressed, sad, lonely, hurt, and confused. I myself think I'm a wonderful person, but then I think, "In no way am I close to perfect", in no way have I been truly enlightened. Through all of my negative feelings, I still have these thoughts of compassion, how I need to let things go, and how "In the practice of tolerance, one's enemy is the best teacher." His Holiness the Dalai lama. This quote rings true to my heart, I need to be tolerant of others feelings, thoughts, and actions. I don't know their past, what they've been through, people who have wronged or hurt them. Likewise, they no nothing of my pains, in this understanding, I feel a peace, through all of my negative emotions, a peace comes over me, consuming my radiation of darkness, and replacing it with love, compassion, and understanding. This has really been a pressing issue with me lately, not knowing or really understanding why things have been the way they have for my entire life. Childhood, adolescent, and my young adulthood. But through everything that has happened to me, though I do not understand, I love those, who have hurt me, and I accept them as they are, just as I accept myself, just as I am. Sure there are things we all need to work on, work towards becoming enlightened, but before you can do that, you must first love yourself, and love others. The golden rule, to treat others as you wish to be treated. I for one, intend to make this my goal in life, to treat others, as I want to be treated.

Just some food for thought.

with love,

Meditation

2010-01-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite quotes is from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, he says, "True compassion is universal in scope. It is accompanied by a feeling of responsibility." Meditate on this.

~T