Sympathy For the Devil - Secrets on how to judge the masses

"CR13"

2005-11-18T18:29:00.000-05:00

I have finally gotten a domain name and hosting set up. So this will be my last blog here. The rest will be located at www.cr13.com

"Hiatus"

2005-11-11T18:07:00.000-05:00

After taking a few days to collect myself, I have decided to resume my normal blog duties. Halloween went by uneventful. I fired three people at The Retail Store, and helped install a new heating and air unit in my home. Sidebar: How butch is that? Hit some girl on a bicycle because she was in the middle of the road. It was the most traumatic day of my life and she wants to make it about her leg. Hello Selfish Girl? What about the front end of my truck where you scratched the paint? Because you know insurance isn’t going to pay for it.

I almost got fired at County General because a co-worker got mad when I coughed on her door knob, stuck her cell phone in my armpit and rub her keyboard on my butt. Yeah she’s a loon.

So all in all, it has been a pretty uneventful week.

"Design on Someone Else's Dime"

2005-10-30T13:26:00.000-05:00

Spent better half of my Sunday morning at County General designing my new layout for this blog. I think I did a fairly good job with the limited resources at my disposal. But I feel that Notepad and Paintbrush when used by a master such as myself, can, with a vast amount of time, pull off a Picasso. Keep in mind this is just the Beta. I plan on moving my blog to my own domain name shortly. Just have to find a good blog engine.

As a special treat, here is a list of states I have visited:

"Interview with the Vampire"

2005-10-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

While at work at The Retail Store, get message that the boss wanted to speak with me. Thinking I have done something wrong, immediately begin thinking of possible excuses and who I can use as an alibi. Upon entering the managers office I am shocked to discover that Carol is dressed as a vampire for a Halloween costume party that she is about to attend. Carol informs me that they are short on managers and would like to know if would be interested in taking a managerial position. Immediately respond with yes. As any thing with power and more money is great.

Am so excited, I take the rest of the day off and call Little Caesar’s Pizza on my way home and tell them I want twenty pepperoni and sausage pizzas. When they ask for my name, I told them that I am with the sheriff’s department and that we are having a Halloween party. I hope the sheriff’s office likes my surprise.

"Potent Quotable"

2005-10-23T16:36:00.000-04:00

Decided to call out of work today for the simple fact I was feeling much better from my congestion. So call up friend Jamie to go out for a night on the town. We started out our friend Jessica’s house for dinner with her boyfriend. But things turned sour quick when Jessica’s boyfriend, Jason (an overly active environmentalist and possibly the queerest guy I know that has sex with women), hit on Jamie. Needless to say the night ended with food in everyone’s hair. Jamie and I left Jessica’s to head over to the porn store. Jamie and I like to go in on the weekend nights to see all the pedophiles and geeks that are in there. At the end of the night headed to Steak-n-Shake and could barely keep our eyes open as the days events were so exhausting. Here are some of the more memorable quotes from the evening. I will leave you to draw your own conclusions as to what the rest of the conversation was like.

"Your Barbie just tea bagged a Care Bear!!" - Adam, while playing with Jessica's stuffed animals

"For America Recycles Day, I set a kitten on fire, because that little fucker totally looked like it was about to litter." - Adam, describing how involved he is.

"What’s wrong Jason? They didn't have a 'really really gay' button, so you just chose 'straight'." - Adam

"It's all pink on the inside." - Jason

"I'm afraid this is one problem liquor won't solve." – Jessica, upon hearing Jason’s pickup line

"I want Gaydar real bad." – Jessica

“Are you having a stroke in installments?” – Adam

"Debbie-gets-it-up-the-ass-dot-com?" - Jamie, upon reading a porn title

"I require Kotex. Tampax makes me irritable." – Jamie (Drunk)

“Chicken-pot, Chicken-pot, Chicken-pot-pie.” – Adam

Adam: “Did you trying ‘Googling’ him?”
Jason: “God no! I have never sucked a dick. It makes me lose my voice.”

“I said NO MAYONNAISE! GOD – BLESS IT!! Oh there is no mayo on this? Thanks!” – Adam

“Hey-for a kitchen rat; he’s pretty hot.” – Jamie

"I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!" - Jessica

"She's gonna make a chunk of change." – Jamie

"...and smack it, smack it, smack it. OK, I'm done" – Jamie

"Silence of the Adam"

2005-10-21T15:26:00.000-04:00

Have been struck down the past week battling the flu and being so congested that I have been hardly able to speak. So I went to the my doctor and demanded that he say it is the Avian Flu that I have been hearing about so much lately, so that I can be on CNN and MSNBC as the first person in my area to be diagnosed with the deadly disease. He laughed and gave me a shot in my bum and told me I would be fine. Heartbroken, tell him that I need some pain killers to ward off the impending pain from his needle stick and because I think I sprained a muscle helping my father build a deck around the new goldfish pond that looks like the pit out of Silence of the Lambs. (Pictures coming soon) Which is probably why when my brother was at the bottom it putting mortar on the walls I would yell down for him to “put lotion on its skin else he would get the hose again” all the while holding Spike in my hand . When he yelled up that I was crazy because he didn’t have any lotion; I took the water hose used to mix the mortar and sprayed him with it. So I guess playing with the water hose in cold weather is what gave me my current aliment.

"Holiday Cash"

2005-10-16T13:55:00.000-04:00

Have gotten a part-time job at The Retail Store * to get some extra cash for the holiday season. Mainly to spend on myself since the holiday season is approaching and most of my friends and relatives give only one gift for my birthday and Christmas. So to make my self feel better I go buy my self lots of things to replace those that I should have gotten.

Brandon ** will not be going to jail, but will have to go to court to prove that he should be allowed to drive since Beverly is a single mother.

Mom has the family on a new project. We are adding a new section of deck around our pool only this one has an odd feature. She wants to create a gold fish pond in the center of the deck. The beginning stages of the pond are creepy and reminds me of the well the girl died in in The Ring.

* Name changed to protect the author from professional embarrassment and potential stalkers.
** See Tuesday, October 11, 2005.

“Trust in God, But Wear Your Seatbelt”

2005-10-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

Received panicked call from my cousin Beverly. It would appear that her children were in a horrible car accident. One so shocking and horrific, that it will probably make all three news stations and the newspapers. Her youngest son who is fifteen and doesn’t have his driver’s license took his sister out for a ride. They swerved to miss a fox or cat or small child, not clear on the complete details as of yet, and hit the embankment. Upon hitting the embankment the car bounced back onto the road killing whatever it was they were trying to miss. Then it flipped over and skidded along side the road. Ashley, the cousin that was going along for the ride, had her arm outside the vehicle at the time. Luckily, when the car as on its side at one point or another, her arm wasn’t torn off but it did skin it so much they will probably have to take skin from her ass and transplant it to her arm. She was air lifted to the hospital. Not County General, but our competitor’s as my hospital is too cheap to get its own helicopter. Brandon, the underage driver, was informed by the police that he will be taken to jail upon his medical examination. Tell Beverly to calm down and make sure Ashley gets enough pain medications so I can swipe a few.

I hope that this teaches Brandon a lesson, and that lesson is “Never swerve to miss a fox or cat or small child.”

"Inquiring minds want to know..."

2005-10-09T15:58:00.000-04:00

...100 things about me. So here it is.

1. I am a Sagittarius.
2. I was born in Chattanooga, Tn
3. But I live in Trenton, Ga
4. I hate my middle name
5. Although, when I went missing for 6 months I used my middle name. So it would be harder for people to find me.
6. My first pet was a dog named Spanky.
7. I hate stamps that you have to lick.
8. I was a ghost in high school
9. I am in college.
10. I HATE alcohol.
11. My eyes are brown.
12. I do not have any tattoos
13. but I want one
14. I have had my tongue pierced twice
15. My favorite colors are dark blues and earth tones.
16. My truck is red
17. I have three dogs and a cat.
18. One of my dogs is a whore and runs around the neighborhood.
19. I drink lots of water.
20. My favorite cologne is Hugo Boss
21. I have a book bag fetish
22. I love the British sitcom “Absolutely Fabulous”
23. I hate mayonnaise.
24. I am lazy but try not to be.
25. My favorite CD is Matchbox 20s, “your self or someone like you”.
26. I have a stamp collection. Though I quit collecting when I was younger.
27. My IQ test in the 160 range.
28. But I failed to get a high score on my SAT’s the first time.
29. My favorite flower is an Orchid.
30. Sometimes when I am alone I pretend I am on Star Trek.
31. And other times Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
32. When I was 10 my house burned down and I lost everything.
33. I believe in God but I don’t go to church.
34. I get nervous in crowds where there is free food.
35. I don’t like to go to clubs or bars unless it’s a special occasion.
36. I have never broken a bone.
37. I love swimming
38. And paintball fighting.
39. I can not drive a stick-shift vehicle.
40. I have lots of secrets.
41. I have never wet the bed.
42. I love pickles
43. I love Italian food
44. I have low blood sugar.
45. I use to write a column for my local newspaper.
46. I don’t need glasses, but sometimes I wear fake ones to look cool.
47. My favorite season is fall.
48. I have a personal mission statement. That changes upon my mood.
49. I have a passport, but have never been out of the country.
50. I can’t sing, but I wish I was a rock star.
51. I feel emotionally nostalgic most of the time.
52. I hate eating fish.
53. I hate hunting/fishing.
54. But I enjoy camping.
55. I love hospital food.
56. I am Irish.
57. I want to marry a cook. So I can have good food all the time.
58. My birthday is a few days before Christmas, so I only get one gift from my extended family and friends (if I am lucky) and they tell me that it is for both occasions.
59. I can’t have birthday parties for reason number 58. Cause everyone is off doing things for or with their families.
60. Sometimes I feel I am destined to do great things and others I feel I am destined to be alone.
61. I have a superiority complex.
62. But I know I am not superior and I feel bad.
63. I was once in a national TV commercial when I was 9.
64. I do not think we are alone in the universe.
65. I am 5’7”
66. I would love to go to Ireland
67. My favorite fruit is Red Grapes.
68. I don’t know what the difference is between a Republican and a Democrat.
69. One of my high school art pieces in on display at the Hunter Museum of Art.
70. I don’t have any artistic abilities, despite #69
71. I have over 3,000 mp3’s. All obtained legally.
72. If I had a super power it would be telekinesis
73. There are only 5 places I would setup residence. My current home in Trenton, Ga; Atlanta, Ga; Savannah, Ga; San Francisco, Ca; The Florida Keys
74. When I die, there will be no funeral. There will be a party with pizza and streamers to celebrate my life not to morn my death.
75. I love my younger brother, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have one.
76. My grandmother is crazy. I think she killed my step-grandfather. I love her sooo much.
77. My parents are still together after 29 years.
78. I have lived on the same road my entire life. Except for that six month sabbatical where I changed my name, ran away from home and ended up working in a dinner.
79. I am complicated person and yet very simple.
80. I am picky about who I date.
81. I didn’t start smoking till I was 20
82. I am right handed
83. I can handwrite in mirror images.
84. I have some screwed up dreams.
85. I think I might be psychotic, but just a little.
86. I almost went to jail when I threatened to kill the district attorneys daughter. In my defense, I didn’t know she was the DA’s daughter.
87. My ears use to be gauged, but now they have just shrunk to look like they have been pierced.
88. I can cook some meals, but I hate cooking.
89. I have to sleep with the TV on.
90. I like wearing pajamas.
91. I have never owned or ridden a bike.
92. I use to ride horses until I was thrown off one. Never got back on one.
93. Pizza should always have Chicken and Spinach on it.
94. I have manipulated situations and co-workers to get my boss fired and several co-workers, just because I didn’t like them.
95. I got fired 3 months later by the new boss for a completely different reason.
96. I can do a back-flip on the trampoline, but not a front-flip.
97. I want to do something that will change the world for better or for worse. Whichever it doesn’t matter.
98. I want to run for president.
99. I love the smell of cigars.
100. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life.

“Mother of a Pearl”

2005-10-07T15:52:00.000-04:00

Mother comes to visit me at work today to discuss the ramifications of what will happen should she find the person who decided to do donuts in our front yard a few days back. Knowing good and well that I need to send my coworker the message that I hate him, tell mother that I don’t have time to listen to her rambling and tell her that my coworker use to be a police officer and that he might be able to do some sort of CSI: Trenton on the tire tracks left in our front yard. Laugh on the inside with a silent, but cruel internal laughter and think to myself that Nick will rue the day he met me and took my parking place.

Come back an hour or so later when I know mother will have left, only to find that Nick is in a great mood. Nick says to me:

"Dude, your mom is a sweet, gentle woman. How did you turn out to be a sarcastic-asshole of a son?"

To which I quickly reply:

“Sometimes magic just happens.”

"Silly Doggy, Epilepsy is for Humans"

2005-09-30T17:57:00.000-04:00

Mother called me in a panic this afternoon while I was a work at County General. It appears her high dollar accessory, the Applehead-Chiwawa named Spike, has had two epileptic episodes. She is on her way to the Animal Hospital*for emergency blood work. Ask her if she can get me a prescription for pain as my toe hasn’t stopped throbbing since I ripped the nail off so tragically two days ago.

The dog will have to stay overnight for observation. This is good, because I do not want it in my house urinating everywhere and running into expensive vases during one of its sightless – destructive – seizures.

I just hope that it wasn’t from the Jack I gave him during my inhibited – carefree – drunken episode.

* Named changed to protect the dogs privacy, and to keep PETA off my trail.

"Jack & Spike"

2005-09-28T23:52:00.000-04:00

This afternoon I was rudely woken up to constant screeching of Spike’s call to be let out to potty. About an hour later I couldn’t take it anymore so I went downstairs to let the little bugger out. I walked up to the mail box to which I would normally drive, as the 200 feet to walk is too much for a smoker. As I was entering the house to let myself and Spike in I must have over stepped and when I went to pull open the glass door I pulled too hard and smashed my pinky toe*.

As I collapsed to the floor in agony, the damn dog missed his chance to enter into the house. I crawled my way back to the door and began pouring blood everywhere. I looked at my toe and discovered the nail had been ripped clean off and the toe itself had been split right down the middle. Writhing in agony, I had to make my way to Jack. Although Jack couldn’t sew my nail back on to my now bruised and battered pinky toe, I knew that only Jack could help me and my pain go away. So I slithered my way and I reached into the liquor cabinet and pulled out trusty Jack. After about fifteen minutes of consolation, Spike appeared to have caught wind of Jack and so wanted to join in on the consolation. In my drunken state and pool of blood I calculated how old Spike would be in human years and decided that he is old enough to drink. So I poured out his water bowl and allowed Spike to partake of the spirits.

And I must say, for a six year old he can hold his liquor.

* Picture too graphic to post. Visit my T-Mobile Picture Album to view the image.

"Spike"

2005-09-28T00:15:00.000-04:00

Have decided, three days later, to name the oversized rat Spike. That however was not my choice as I would never disgrace Buffy: The Vampire Slayer. My choice for the animal was Austin. But mother wouldn’t have it.

"My Mom is Paris Hilton"

2005-09-25T08:16:00.000-04:00

After watching VH1’s Fabulous life of Paris Hilton, my mother decided that she, like Paris, would like to carry around a small animal. So when mom went to PetSmart to find a small dog, she was immediately sadden when she discovered that PetSmart didn’t sell small dogs.

So when my mom seen another customer walking her miniature-“fun size” dog, mom immediately offered the women four hundred dollars for the dog. Puzzled, the women almost agreed to the exchange when her boyfriend popped up and said, “This dog is like a child to us. We couldn’t let it go for… more that six hundred.” So mom wrote the women a check. With the words: ‘Sucker. I would have paid a thousand for it.’; in the ‘for’ field of the check.

So I learned today to never get between my mom and something she wants when she has on her steel-toed cow patty kickers on and her hefty bankbook.

By the way, we still haven't thought of a name for our new pet.

"At Long Last"

2005-09-23T08:33:00.000-04:00

Finally received my check from John today. After three hundred long distance collection calls, three trips to the business, and the exhausting manpower hours I put into collecting. It was worth it to cash my hard earned check of $9,351.45.

“Forth Coming”

2005-09-16T19:56:00.000-04:00

Apparently, John and his employees caught wind of my impending arrival and decided to close down shop for the third day in a roll. That, or they recognized my truck and turned off all the lights and locked the doors when they seen my approach. Just like my parents do to me. Left very nasty letter on the door demanding that my money be forwarded to me without haste.

Decided that lunch at the Russian Tea Room with friend Jamie would do nicely to calm my nerves. Jamie asks if I would be willing to work part of her shift at work so she can go to the doctor’s office. Tell her I would.

Much to my surprise arrive at work and get a call from Jamie who has said that she will not be able to come back into work as the doctor has prescribed her some heavy pain killers and she can barely see the road as it is to get home. Told her that she is not suppose to take eight pain pills and then drive five minutes later. On second thought told her to stop by the liquor store and purchase some Jim, Jack, and James as you should always enjoy pain pills will three men.

"Calling Collect"

2005-09-12T18:46:00.000-04:00

Called up rich friend John to begin collecting on my bill I sent him.* Apperently John was out of the office and his normal secretary was on another call and the billing lady had stepped out for lunch. Tomorrow, will make a very long trip over there and show up in person and have my AK-47 collect the $17,000 that they owe me.

*See Wednesday, August 10, 2005 - "Out of the Blue"

"Emergence"

2005-09-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

Have emerged from my home, after the Great American Gas Scare of '05.

Decided to go out and spend all the money I managed to save up on one of those new Motorola Razor phone.

"A Price to High for Riches"

2005-09-01T13:08:00.000-04:00

Paid four dollars a gallon for petro for my car this morning. Have decided at this pace it would be better to lock my self in my house and call in sick untill the petro scare comes down.

Locked self in house.

"The Red Eye"

2005-08-26T15:40:00.000-04:00

Went to dinner with Jamie. She invited Jenny without my approval, so I brought Jeremy along for the ride as well. Had dinner at the Japanese Steak House. After my eyebrows were fried off my head from the fire we quickly left to go see the movie RED EYE. It was great! At first I thought it was going to be a stupid movie. But my expectations were unfounded. This has to be the best movie I have seen in a long time.

"Skinning"

2005-08-25T20:37:00.000-04:00

Started smoking again today. During what can only be described as a blatant state of euphoria, I went out side and forced my body to jump on a trampoline with my brother. And I learned something today. The only time it is permissible to laugh is when you encounter the misfortune of others. (and only laugh in their presence). My brother, while trying to do some 360 aerial flip that involved way to many moves for me to even commit to memory, landed wrong and fell through the springs. The rusty springs. The ones that have been in the rain and decided to sprout shards of metal. Needless to say it took a trip to the ER at County General (for my employee discount) and seventeen stitches to make his leg look half way normal. I don't think I laughed so hard in my entire life.

"Idle Hands"

2005-08-22T23:56:00.000-04:00

I stopped smoking today. So call mother at work for support. After about the fifteenth call, she tells me that if I need something to take my mind of it to go rake the yard. Immediately remind her that I did not spend thousands of her dollars to go to college to “rake leaves”. She said that I should just be creative then. So later tonight, under the cover of darkness, I raked all my leaves into the neighbor’s yard.

"The Game"

2005-08-21T17:43:00.000-04:00

Jamie came by work and said that she had a surprise for me. Now I love surprises, but the fact that Jamie has never gotten me anything in my life, lead me to believe something was amiss. I immediately began a lengthy interview process about said ‘surprise’. She said I had to put a blind fold on and get in the car willing and with out incident. So after I stepped into the car and felt around for my seat belt she immediately speeds off, squealing her tires in the process. Snatching my blind fold off I am immediately horrified to find there are two teenage children in the vehicle. Demand to know what is going on. She tells me that I am going with her to a high school football game. Arrive at said game extremely red and horse from all the yelling. Two grueling hours later we leave and I now own Jamie.

"Shockwave"

2005-08-18T11:23:00.000-04:00

I have set into motion a series of events to regain my powers with the government. With a little nurturing I am certain I can pull it off. It is not below me to “tuck my tail between my legs” and kiss whoever’s ass I must. Once I am back inside I can begin ruling again with an iron fist.

"Hair from Hell"

2005-08-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

Wake up today around one, when my grandmother comes storming into my house. Her car was broken and she needed me to run her to the “beauty salon”. First off there is not a beauty salon around that can help her. Agree to take her if she pays for me to get a hair cut and manicure.

As we walk into this hell hole of a beauty parlor am frightened to see that everyone in the salon either looks like trailer trash or is trailer trash. Am reluctant to let such filth touch my body but remember that it is a free and sit down. As the twelve-year old who has been sold into white slave labor begins to scrub my nails the thing that I can only assume was a women with the scissors asks how I want it to look. Tell her I want my hair cut like Brad Pitt’s from Fight Club. She said that her training never involved learning how to duplicate a hair style but she will try her best. Was about to fake a seizure to prevent her from touching me but look down at the ten-year old doing my nails and think that she might actually have a career in her future as my hands have not looked this good in a while. When the hair lady broke out the sheep sheering sheers to use on my delicate scalp tell her that if she wants to keep her fingers she will never turn one of those on in my presence ever again and immediately demand that she return to using the scissors.

Upon completion of my hair cut and she hands me a mirror, about pass out when I discover that the idiot has chunked my hair in places I did not even know could get chunked. Immediately throw a fit and demand that she refund my money. She reminded me that I did not pay for the cut and that I got what I paid for. Obviously growing up in the harsh world of the trailer park has taught this woman a thing or two about life. Look down at my nails and am relieved to see the eight-year old did a fantastic job. Decide to leave well enough alone and tell my grandmother I will be back later to pick her up.

Head off to the magistrates office to renew my powers of Notary Public. Whilst there ask the honorable judge presiding over my ceremony if there was anything I could do about throwing the women who butchered my hair in a maximum security prison for men. He asked why I even paid for that hair cut and then told him I did not. He said there was nothing he could do but that my nails looked nice. Drive home furious that there are people in the world who get away with and thrive on the humiliation of others.

Six hours later remember that there is something I had to do but could not for the life of me remember what it was.