synergy

New Year

2007-12-31T17:43:00.000-05:00

I'm realizing that it has been almost a year since I've written anything in this space. That's a good thing. I have come to realize that I use this space when things spiral beyond my control and I need to have some type of outlet for the feelings, frustration, anger, and fear that I can't/don't share with others. I don't share those feelings for fear of scaring people away from K. But there have been minimal reason to feel that way.

We walked down to Starbucks this afternoon and sat outside drinking our mocha and gingerbread lattes laced with an extra shot of caffeine. As we sat there, our conversation turned towards a discussion of the year 2007. We both agreed that it has been a good year. Professionally, both of us have made strides in our fields. Personally, we've continued to be very happy together, disgustingly happy. We spent a lot of time traveling this summer, too much time. By mid-October, we were both ready to stay home and not move off the home front for months, which is what we did until Christmas. Well, I had a couple of work trips, but nothing too stressful.

There were no nasty surprises on the health front, well there was one. K continued to improve. This past spring, the psychiatrist moved her off the Paxil and on to Zoloft to help her facilitate weight loss. She took the move very well with only one or two bad days. Only problem with the Zoloft is the accompanying nausea that she has every time she takes her dose. As for the weight loss, K finally became serious about doing something about two months ago and went to see a nutritionist. Since then she's lost about ten pounds and intends on losing much more. After talking to the nutritionist, K began to increase her level of physical activity and walk much more. I've always been a big walker and enjoy it, but K never would go with me. She always complained about pain in her feet. Well, we went to get her fitted for new athletic shoes and discovered that she had been wearing shoes 1.5 sizes too small. She had always purchased a size 7.5, so she never thought that her foot size might have changed. She's now wearing a 9 and not complaining about foot pain. K's interest in increasing physical activity came from a bit of a shock that she is pre-diabetic or diabetic. The doctors haven't fully decided. At this point, they have agreed to back off on medication and give K an opportunity to control it through weight loss and exercise. Her blood sugar will be checked again in two months to see if she's made the necessary changes.

My health has been mostly good, except for the flaring GI problems. They have been ongoing for me over the past few years and surfaced again. I have a great doctor, but unfortunately, she doesn't take insurance. A 30 minute visit runs $250, which my insurance covers about half. Good part is that she is always accessible and willing to work quickly to solve my problems. The main problem seems to be a combination of acid reflux and gastric paresis. Gastric paresis means that my stomach doesn't process food. So I'm on a medication that activities my stomach muscles to send food to the intestines. The one that I can tolerate isn't sold in the US, so I have to have the prescription faxed to a Canadian pharmacy and then shipped to me. But my stomach pain is completely gone using that medication.

The biggest surprise about K's illness is that it never entirely recedes to the back of our consciousness. She is always vigilant to ensure that she doesn't get overtired or overstimulated. Schedule is paramount. Whenever we travel, she needs a minimum of one day to recover from even the shortest trip. While she's doing great, it's never not there. Our families don't understand or realize this vigilance. They are surprised when she's unable to do something because of the illness or she's unwilling to push her limits. We don't talk to them about the day-to-day management, and they don't realize the far reaching impact of the bipolar.

Tonight we are off to celebrate the incoming New Year. We're heading to a friend's party and then moving on to a Chuck Brown show. We're the guests of our councilman. It should be an experience. I haven't decided what one wears to a go go show. I guess I'll be plundering the closet for the right outfit in a couple of hours.

Happy New Year to everyone, if everyone hasn't given up on me. Here's to a wonderful 2008!

Uncertainty

2007-01-15T10:11:00.000-05:00

I haven't been posting much over the past few months. Much of that has to do that K is much better and there remains little to write about on that front. The question then becomes, what do I do with this space? It appears that its original purpose as an outlet for me to deal with caretaking duties has been fulfilled. However, I find myself still clinging to the idea of the blog, despite my apparent disinterest in actually writing anything.

As stated, K continues to do very well. She's been taking Provigil (www.provigil.com) with great results. (I'm using Safari and can't add hyperlinks in it.) It is a temporary measure, but we're hoping that it will be enough to get her through the winter without missing work. Though, she did get a bit off schedule during our trip at Christmas and missed a day of work upon return, as she was unable to get up.

We have a pyschiatrist appointment on Friday. It will be the first time that he's seen her, since prescribing the Provigil, which he actually did over the phone. I think that he's going to be very pleased.

K's also upped her visits to the personal trainer to twice a week. Don't even ask what that is doing to our bank account. But the benefits should be tangible. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to work on getting my tail to the gym and exercising it. I took a few weeks off over the holidays. I didn't gain weight, but I certainly lost some toning. I have been SORE after that past two visits to the trainer.

I'm happy. After looking a retrospective of 2006, I only hope that 2007 is as good. Things came together really nicely last year. Not that everything was perfect, but it was good. I start a new job tomorrow. Same organization, but different boss and different work. And there is still a strong possibility that I will completely leave my organization. I'm waiting for some budget issues to be resolved. But the job I begin tomorrow is located at the same facility where I have worked the past seven months, which means public transportation. I love being able to leave the car sitting at home for the week.

That's the quick update. Nothing earth shattering. I now need to spend some time figuring out exactly what this blog means and if I should shut it down or morph it into some other type of outlet.

2 Months

2006-12-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

I had no idea that it had been two months since my last post. Doesn't seem as if so much time has past. And lots has happened. This has to be a short post, because I need to get ready for work in 15 minutes. I am meeting my boss downtown, so I get to leave almost two hours later than normal. Very exciting.

The K update. She's doing great. She missed her first day in six weeks yesterday due to a bad cold. This was the longest stretch that she has gone to work, since prior to her heart attack. In October, she went through a bad spell of wanting to sleep for 18 hours a day. She couldn't wake up and go to work. After only going to work for about 2-3 days in a two week period, we had the pscyhiatrist give her another med. Enter (cue the drums)

PROVIGIL

Okay--any med with the name PROVIGIL can only be spelled using all caps. It is a medication to promote wakefulness, normally used to treat narcolepsy. The military has also tested it with Air Force pilots and they needed only a few hours of sleep over an 80 period. But, K is taking a lower dose.

It has done wonders. It does not affect her mood. But she is able to get up and get moving in the mornings. Even on the weekends, she is frequently up by 7 am, which previously was unheard of. She goes to work every day. It has lifted this constant tension that both of us had on a daily basis as to whether she would be able to make it to the office. It was one of those tensions that you don't even realize that you have until it is lifted and you feel lighter.

The other change that the doctor made is that he told K to stop using her light box. When she was really ill, it made a huge difference in her mood. This winter, K would sit in front of the light and after turning it off, she would crash. It was a crash that would occur over a 20 minute period and I could see it on her face. She would go from being fine to being in a black, black mood with anger and unable to get herself out the door. She stopped using the light at the same time she began using the PROVIGIL. That makes it difficult to parse out the individual effects, but there has been a dramatic switch in K's ability to function.

Several downsides exist to the PROVIGIL. !) It will only work for a few months. Hopefully, she can come off it in the spring. 2) It is addictive. 3) Insurance won't pay for it. K takes half a pill every morning, which is $5.50. A monthly dose costs about $150 or a bit more. It is not an inexpensive med. But, it works. And really that is the only thing that is important.

Okay--I need to go change into my suit and get going. Otherwise I won't have time to make it to Starbucks before having to meet my boss.

Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

No, nothing bad has happened. Actually, it's been a good day. It's just that I'm tired. K and I are away on a long weekend in Chicago. She's visiting family and we're staying with some close friends. They are busy putting the kids to bed. Yesterday was bad, but K handled it better than I did.

We had tickets out last evening. Our flight was delayed and we didn't even arrive at the airport here until after 10 pm local time. I had started out exhausted from a long day and even longer week at the office. (Yes, I need to deal with the job situation.) My temper was short, but K was fine. She took the lead and pulled me through and dealt with my short-temper. I did sleep well last night, despite the constant work dreams, and then napped this afternoon.

Things are going well. Due to K's concern and the raising of the lithium last month, we have another psychiatrist appointment scheduled for Monday afternoon. It's very unusual for her to have another appointment in a month. She's been on the three month cycle for some time. But it's fine. We don't mind seeing him. He's entertaining and seems to enjoy the appointments as well. Fortunately, K's mood is vastly improved on the higher dose of lithium. I guess she started metabolizing it faster due to the working out, but at least the problem appears to be solved in the short-run.

My mood in regards to K is fine. What continues to take its toll is my job. I have begun taking some concrete steps to find something new. Or I've begun thinking through the steps. I know what my weak areas are; lack of management experience is the glaring one. But with some luck, I'll be able to get a position that can help me fill in that gap. I could also use some more project management technical experience, but that will probably come through one of the these other positions. We'll see. Any move will take a long time to set up for a number of reasons. I guess what I ought to do is pull my resume in order, so I can look for jobs outside my organization as well.

Nothing else. K's been wonderful about my job. She's not put any pressure on me about my hours or stress. That's good. Previously, she's always been against me taking something that would have longer hours or greater stress. But her health is good enough that she no longer depends on me to do things. Also, the car stays at home, so she has access to the car even if I'm at the office. She likes knowing it's there, even if she doesn't choose to use it.

That's the quick update. Things are good. K is with her family right now bonding with the niece. That's also good.

As the light fades . . .

2006-09-24T09:04:00.000-05:00

The longer K has bipolar, the easier it becomes to see the cyclical nature of it. Now, as we head into fall and the shorter days, she's already struggling more in the mornings in order to able to get out bed and make it to work. A couple of weeks ago, she began using the sun lamp in the morning. A few days ago, she upped the lithium by 25% in hopes of feeling better.

The lithium increase is not only linked to the shorter days. About six months ago, we began to go to a personal trainer and K upped her level of physical activity. The result is that her body seems to metabolize the lithium more quickly, so she needs a slightly higher dose. At least, we're hoping that some of the dips in her mood will be stabilized by the increase.

Recently, I haven't been the easiest to live with. My job stress and insecurities seem to be reaching all time highs. The insecurities appear to be unfounded. No one tells me that I am doing a bad job, but I still feel that I am constantly ready to drop something. Good news is that I leave the office every night between 5:30 and 6 pm and I begin each day at 7:30 am. It isn't the hours, but I don't have a free moment throughout the day. I no longer am able to even hold a five minute personal conversation, because I get pulled away to deal with something. The stress is very high, not only for me, but my co-worker as well. Both of us are beginning the discussion about finding another job. For political reasons, I probably have to stay where I am for another four months, but that may change. Meanwhile, I drive K nuts by agonizing over the situation.

We are also looking into doing work on the house. The structural engineer came this week and told us that our house is solid enough to support a green roof. A green roof requires that soil and plants are on our roof to capture rainwater and better insulate the house. A much costlier approach towards our roof than a traditional roof, but K is very much in favor of it. We also need many other expensive repairs. K tried to warn me the dangers of buying a house about 130-150 years old. What we didn't realize is how little maintenance had occurred. Also, things like plaster have a 100 year life span and now it is literally at the breaking point.

My mom is in town next week. We've been slowly cleaning the house to prepare for her arrival. But we have more to do today. I also want to hit the farmer's market this morning to purchase our fruits and veggies for the week. We have been going to the farmer's market the past few weeks and I really enjoy. The only catch is that we have to make the time to do it.

The other thing going on is that my term as vice president of the neighborhood is coming to an end. There have been offers to sponsor my run for president. I'm tempted. The current president is excellent in some areas, but he's not good about running the meetings and keeping people engaged. Likewise, he doesn't share information. I barely know what's happening at times. I could do a much better job of being inclusive. But I don't want to commit to at least a couple meetings a week, especially with my current job situation. I was almost sucked in the other day.

K and I are doing more again and going out during the week. Political fundraiser tomorrow night, which should be interesting. I haven't met Eleanor Holmes Norton yet. Things like that are keeping us busy.

Things are good, though I need to bring my stress under control.

Role Reversal

2006-09-16T12:23:00.000-05:00

Last night and yesterday afternoon, I ended up getting so wired about work. My coworker was getting her ass kicked and I had the day off. I got the feeling that she wasn't getting to everything and I did offer to come in over the weekend to help out, but she declined my offer. Even though, I ought to have let the whole thing go at that point, I couldn't. Instead, my anxiety about the situation continued to increase throughout the day. As a result, by bedtime I was wired.

K insisted that I take .5 mg xanax before going to sleep. Okay--three vodka tonics don't affect me, but give me .5 mg xanax and 9 hours later, I was still only barely able to crack my eyelids open. I guess it worked, since I slept well all night. I also decided to spend an hour at home, okay it's been two hours, working on things remotely. This puts me into a better position for Monday morning. And I took care of one task that I believe was overlooked yesterday. It was putting together a bunch of good news stories prior to my boss speaking on Monday morning and again at lunch.

This morning we went to the personal trainer. I was somewhat concerned about slipping and cracking my head open after the xanax, but it turned out to be a good workout. Now, we have a wine tasting party this evening, and I am sure that we have some chores to do prior to that.

Visit to the Doctor

2006-09-15T13:43:00.000-05:00

K had her quarterly visit to the pyschiatrist this morning. We were both exhausted, despite the visit not being until 10 AM. It was a good visit. The one concern is that K is not doing as well as she could be. She's somewhat down due to the changing seasons, which usually hit her pretty hard. A couple of years ago, we purchased a sun lamp, and she uses it on a daily basis pretty much from September until April. Instead of immediately increasing her medication, the psychiatrist is hoping that the sun lamp will improve her enough, so a dosage increase won't be necessary.

The fact that K is off is a subtle thing. It expresses itself in small irritations and exhaustion. Nothing serious, but also, they are warning indicators that shouldn't be ignored. By addressing it now, hopefully any further backslide can be forestalled.

So, K does not have a three month hiatus from the psychiatrist. She's going to return in a month for review of where she is. She's fine with it, but I know that she would certainly prefer if the visits remained on the quarterly schedule.

On a more personal note, we're looking at how to cover some much needed home repairs. Everything is expensive and I keep feeling as if we are trying to drain blood from a turnip as we try to figure out how to pay for it all. The roof needs to be done this year. K would like to have us install a green roof with little seedums up there to help the environment. I'm not against it, but there's definitely a cost premium. It is also difficult as both our neighbors have overlapped their roofs onto our roof. In each case, their roofs will have to be disturbed in order for us to have our's redone. Pain in the ass. Fortunately, we get along well with both sets of neighbors. There have been times when the relations have not been so amicable.

The basement drama is slowly, too slowly, drawing to a close. The last piece is the waterproofing. We're hoping that we can move forward with that the next 4-6 weeks. Once we complete that, we'll be able to move everything back down there and begin to truly organize the space without problems from the leaks. I can't wait.

We're slowly reaching an equilibrium. My job continues to be a source of anxiety for me. I believe that I will remain in my current position for the next few months. Then I'll have to see. But this was a difficult week for very stupid reasons. However, what ends up happening is that the pressure gets slowly cranked up throughout the day. I had today off and my coworker faced the pressure cooker for her entire day. I feel somewhat guilty, but she also left me a week before we had a huge conference a few weeks ago, so my guilt is somewhat mitigated. I just hate the anxious feeling that seeps through my entire body. Working out helps relieve much of it, but I didn't make it to the gym this morning.

Life interfering with Blogging

2006-09-10T14:34:00.000-05:00

Lately, things have sort of spun out of control, not with K, but with my own life and job. The long absence has not meant anything other than that I haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and type. Nor have I had the luxury to even think things through enough to effectively blog about them. Though, the blogging processes does help me sort out my thoughts.

Any case, K and I have both been busy. The last week of August, we each had to travel for work. It occurs rarely that we travel for work and it's especially unusual that we had to be out of town the same week. It was unfortunate in that the dog had to head over to doggie daycare. It's cage free, but still at $50/day I am not thrilled about sending her. I had been organizing a conference, which had me going for 12 hours a day at the office. Now that it's over, I'm trying to cut back to about 10.5 hour days at the most. The new job continues to take a toll and I am sure that it will be this way as long as I am in it.

More important that work, today is K's birthday. She's 44 years old. I declared this K weekend on yesterday afternoon. We took her motorcycle in to the shop yesterday. We had been led to believe that it would cost about $500 to get it up and running. When they ran all the numbers, we're looking at a $2200 bill, for a bike that is worth significantly less. K turned to me and asked if she should junk it. My answer was an emphatic "NO".

The motorcycle represents a side of K that has been deadened even prior to the heart attack and the bipolar disorder. Her interest in getting the bike up and running shows her psychological and physical health are good. Psychologically, because she has the confidence to ride the bike in an area with awful traffic and confusing roadways. The physical health because of the balance and strength required to safely ride a motorcycle. To encourage that improvement, I am willing to pay any price. The bike also fits her and she knows it intimately. She bought it new in 1984. It is far safer for her to start riding again on this bike than purchasing a new one that would not be as familiar. I realize that she still may decide in favor of a new bike and we'll sell this one in a year or so, or she may decide to keep it. I wasn't thrilled with the price tag, but that is as good a place as any for the money to go.

When we were at dinner last night, K said that she felt that we had crossed a milestone by getting the bike to the shop. It was a lifting of a burden. The bike had been rotting in our parking spot for the past four years. K saw it as a milestone on the way to full health. Also, it made the benefits of working out clear. Yes, we are continuing to work out with the personal trainer. (Note: I've lost 10 pounds over the past six months. I'm now in normal BMI. I would like to lose another 10 and I am continuing to work on it.) K could tell a difference with her balance and strength when she helped the tow truck guy load the bike on the flatbed to go to the shop. It's the working out that will make it possible for her to even ride it, when it returns in four weeks.

The other sign of health is that we are beginning to work on the house. Last weekend, we ripped down the plaster in half of our entryway. The other half is mostly drywall and will be less of a mess. But we are interviewing contractors to put on a new roof. We are deciding how to pay for all the construction. The insurance settlements for the basement are starting to come in. One claim is settled and the other is almost there. We should finish it up this week. After we receive the checks, we will be able to go ahead and have the basement waterproofed, which is the final piece of the project. We feel able and ready to take on new challenges.

I'm very happy with the current state of affairs.

Does Absence make the heart grow fonder or just forget about you?

2006-08-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lengthy break between posts. I didn't even really realize how long it had been until I logged in to write this post. I've been in class, out of town, and still trying to figure out the new job.

We took a long weekend and went to see K's family about two weeks ago. It was a good visit, but a bit crazy. Not only was her family around, but a cousin with her family and three kids, various family friends, and my mom were all in the mix as well. K handled it better than I expected. She got tired, but nothing too extreme. The frustrating part was that a couple days after we returned home, K was hit with PMS.

PMS hasn't been so bad lately. Previously, K's PMS would keep her out of work for 1-2 days and basically send her to bed. This time she ended up sleeping for hours on end. It's frustrating for her and for me.

The other factor is that I used to drive to the office every day. With my new job, I am now taking the subway. This means that K is left on the bus. Usually, it isn't a problem. But when she struggles, having to get on the bus is enough to keep her from going to work. The heatwave over the past week kept K at home one day and she worked from home one afternoon due to her fears of the heat. It's still hot, but the humidity has broken somewhat making the outdoors a bit more bearable.

The one source of conflict occurred this morning. I recently finished a Masters certificate in project management. K completed the course last year. In order to be certified, it is necessary to take an exam after completing the course work. I didn't really want to take the classes and was sort of forced into them. K on the other hand really wanted to take the classes and worked very hard to get into them. However, due to the problems with her job last year, she never received any recognition for the work that she completed.

What it comes down to is that I am in a position to take the exam. I don't particularly care whether I am certified or not and I am only taking the exam because I've done all the work. For K the certification is more important, yet no one is pushing her to take the exam and offering prep course. I end up feeling guilty for my opportunities and the way that I am treated at the office. K feels angry about how she is treated and we both end up not able to easily communicate about it.

This whole scenario is one disadvantage to working in the same place. The differences in how we are treated are highlighted. K doesn't blame me and isn't angry with me, but I am uncomfortable with her comments that I have led a charmed existence. I've worked very hard to make it where I am, though I will admit that I have had some luck as well. We got through it today and everything is fine. Just another one of those things that I don't like.

We recently passed our nine year anniversary from the time that we met. July 31. It was my second week on my new job with this organization. We met and hit it off. September will be nine years that the two of us have been together. Seems difficult for me to believe. K is an integral part of my life and everything that we do is intertwined. I can't even imagine my life without her.

Nothing much else to report. Various tidbits of information, but nothing too earth shattering. I mainly wanted to get back into the practice of writing again.

Tired

2006-07-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

Being exhausted probably has a lot to do with the latest infrequent of posting. I've been on high stress mode with my job and K's spending a lot of time calming me down. Finally, I'm starting to settle down a bit. Unfortunately, I have a new boss, who started and went on two weeks vacation. He's back in the office, now I'm going to be out for the next week and a half. Not great timing, but it was set up prior to my moving to this position. No one has complained about my absence, it's only my internal pressure getting to me. I did volunteer to come in for a meeting after 4 pm one day to remind them that I am still around.

K, on the other hand, continues to do really well. She's taking the bus to-and-from work, despite the miserable heat and humidity that we're going through. A week ago, I thought to myself that maybe I have adjusted to living in the almost-South. A few hours south of us is where the "real South" begins. Then, the humidity struck. I'm not as miserable in it as I used to be, but it is still bad. I'm not used to living here.

But K's doing great. She constantly says that she won't be able to continue to take the bus when the heat gets bad or in the winter, if it gets too cold, etc. But she manages to keep doing it. At times, I think she ought to take a taxi, but she is stubborn about taking the bus, now that she is able to do so.

Part of the reason that I'm so tired is that we went to the personal trainer this morning. As usual, he kicked my tail. Bad part is that I was still sore from my lunges last week, where I about died. There are still knots in my quads, which isn't a good thing.

We're invited to a party tonight, but I already went to a professional BBQ today, and I just don't believe that I have further energy to be social. I think that we are going to be lumps and sit around and watch tv.

Next week, on Thursday, we are off to fly out to see K's family. My mom will be coming down one day to spend the night with us, as she's only 90 miles north. It should be a fine visit, and I'm looking at getting away, even if only for the long weekend. However, a number of K's relatives . . ..

Need to stop blogging. K just suggested that we head off to the Nordstrom's Anniversary Sale. Suddenly, I'm feeling less tired, though not by much.

Diminished Blogging Opportunities

2006-06-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

I realize that every week, I begin my post by saying how busy I was during the previous week and this weekend is no different. Except, I was exhausted enough this weekend to have to spend a couple hours napping on Saturday afternoon to try and recover. I am feeling better today, just in time to prepare for the week ahead.

K did well all week. I had a bit of a hell week. My organization was part of a giant government emergency management exercise, and I ended up having to coordinate a lot of the work. That also translated into working 13 hours on Wednesday as part of the exercise. But I think that the evaluators are going to rate us relatively well. Not great, but there were things that I was unable to fix at the last minute. But we did not embarrass ourselves. It did mean that I wasn't around a lot and when I was around, I felt ill from stress. I'm also somewhat stressed about this upcoming week, as the new boss starts on Monday. However, I'm working on getting through it all.

Although K did well, there were a few rough spots. Friday morning, she became very frustrated and angry, but was still able to go to the office. And then ended up having a good day. During the week, she was able to build a spending plan for the two of us. That has been something that I have been unable to do and I am thrilled that she took the lead. The other good news is that she used to be unable to deal with our expenditures and now she's building the spreadsheets.

Yesterday, she was on the phone with her sister. We have plans to go visit her family in a few weeks. Unfortunately, K's cousin and her family intends on visiting the same weekend. K gets along very well with her cousin, but K would like to have her parents to herself, as she sees them so infrequently. Any case, K's sister spoke way out of turn talking about how upset their mother is with K being gay and how to handle it with the cousin. Well, the cousin has known that K is gay longer than K's parents, which is going on 15 years. K's sister told K how happy K ought to be with the level of tolerance the parents are showing. K was stunned and hurt. Her family is one, where these things can never be discussed publicly. Personally, I believe that K's parents are okay with her sexuality and that the sister misrepresented the whole conversation. The conversation with the sister got worse as she talked about how worried their parents were throughout K's 15 year marriage, etc.

I've tangled with K's sister before. K's sister believes that it is her responsibility to manage K and keep K from doing anything that may upset their parents. My attitude is that the sister does not and should not control access to K's parents. I told K that next time she wants to know what her parents think about something that she needs to go directly to them rather than through her sister. K was trying to find out more about the cousin's visit, and it turned into a distressing conversation. By the time K hung up, she was prepared to cancel the entire trip. I don't think that we are going to do that, but I am pretty angry as well. The other thing is that the sister is the one with the baby niece, who K loves. So that makes K feel a bit as if she can't get in a fight with her sister without endangering access to the niece. A big, bloody mess.

The good part is that by this morning, K was able to think clearly about the whole conversation and ignore what her sister had to say. Her parents have made it very clear that they are proud of her and have accepted me as a member of the family. (Throughout the entire conversation, K's sister emphasized how much they all like me.) I think that K needs to focus on her parents actions, not on misrepresentations from the sister. I think K has reached the same conclusion.

Then today, we were coming home from breakfast and shopping and went to pull into our alley. Due to a construction project gone bad, we only have one access point into our alley, instead of two. Frequently, the access is blocked by illegally parked cars. The drivers park them for a moment to run into a friend's house or the local ethopian coffee shop. For us, it is a flashpoint. This time K's temper got the best of her and she yelled at the woman that if she parks there again, K will blow up the car.

These exhibits of rage always take me by surprise. I expect that they should be over by now. Instead, there are infrequent flashes of it when K gets overtired or hungry. I don't even know if they are easier for me to bear. What I have learned over the years is that they don't last. K is currently down for a nap and she'll probably be fine when she wakes. But those minutes when we are going through the episode are agonizing. I can understand that K wants to yell at the inconsiderate driver. I don't even have a particular problem with it. I do draw the line at threats. That's where it moves to inappropriate and dangerous. We live in a city where people are killed or injured for such language. Of course, K is well aware of it. She usually curbs her tongue when she's worried about physical retaliation.

I don't feel helpless in the face of these episodes, but I still hate them. I'm still surprised that after all the progress that K has made, that the disease is still capable of taking over her brain and causing these reactions. It's the K that I don't like. It's the one that is made of stone and doesn't care what her impact is on others. And to me, it is the one that I never seem to know.

Tensions

2006-06-17T20:47:00.000-05:00

Perhaps, I should find something better to do with my time at 10 pm on a Saturday night, but at the moment, my activity is writing this entry. K and I have had a busy and tiring week, and are taking some time this weekend to try and recover.

Last weekend, we babysat the 5.5 month old niece for three days. It went very well, other than that she screamed each time we tried to feed her. But she did sleep 8-10 hours each night. Still, we were exhausted from the additional responsibilities. It wasn't a great feeling to start off on Monday morning feeling worn out. K had her cardiac stress test on Monday and did very well, except for the drop in blood pressure and panic attack from the test.

What proved to be the challenge for the week was K's reaction to my job. In my new job, I have access to the top people in a 13,000 person organization. I work for one of the top executives as a special assistant. K's jealous. She's not interested in doing the job or anything, but she feels diminished by my new position.

I went to her therapist with her today to discuss the issue. We had a blowout on it Wednesday night, where K got very angry with me or with herself. In any case, the results weren't good and K ended up missing work on Thursday as a result. K admitted that she is struggling with my new position. She's proud of me, but my success brings up her feelings of inadequacy. We moved towards resolving them.

K admitted that she doesn't want my job. She wouldn't like it nor does it play to her strengths. I have to say that the job has me very edgy as well. It's high-profile and if I screw up it will not go unnoticed. One example is this upcoming week will be especially bad, as we are doing a giant exercise. It's an exercise that we should have been prepared to do and are not. I've spent the past week trying to prepare what should have been done incrementally over a period of months. Not a good situation. Unfortunately, I have also gotten a key role in the exercise, which I shouldn't have. But I'll survive.

We talked through it with the therapist and K and I felt better afterwards. K is working on seeing that even when I am successful, my success doesn't diminish her or cut her out of my life. That's not what I want. She is not a second-class citizen, which is how she feels. We've gotten through so much together and we will continue to do so.

Exhausting, Crazy Week

2006-06-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

Things have been good, but crazy. K's doing great. We saw the psychiatrist today and he was very pleased. In fact, he used words like "wonderful" and "amazing". K was commenting on how suddenly she feels able to do all these things that she wasn't able to do previously. Things like ride the bus without fear or anxiety, work out with a personal trainer, and spend time with friends. He said that what happened is that the hard work that she has put in over the past couple of years is finally paying off.

What he said (which sounds a bit odd) is that the brain cells had to be retrained after her illness in order to do these things. He said that the cells are complex and take a very long time to retrain. But that K's managed to do it.

What he emphasized this visit and had not previously emphasized was that bipolar is a cyclical disease. K's doing very well now, but she still may be hit with a bad cycle again at some point. This is a bit different than things he's told us previously. Before he said that the heart attack and K's extended untreated depression afterwards were the triggers for her bipolar disorder back in 2003. Now, he seems to be saying regardless of how well she's doing, the bipolar still may come back around to bite her in the ass. He did say that it may not happen or that the next episode may be very mild compared to the last bout. Either way though, we don't want to hear it. We want to hear that it was an exceptional event, which will never occur again. Perhaps that is wishful thinking. I guess it is wishful thinking. However, neither of us is planning on worrying excessively. Instead, we'll assume that she will be well enough to handle whatever comes along.

I finally started a new job this past Monday. It is in my same organization and only a 4 month assignment. But I have significantly more power and it will be a great developmental opportunity. I'm hoping that I can use it to spring to another job somewhere else. Not an unreasonable hope.

The thing is that my new job is very high-profile and political. I already have been warned about a number of people in the organization and know that there are others who won't cooperate with me. I have been stressed and anxious this week, but I'm hoping it goes well. I keep worrying that I will be shipped back to my old job. I'm more enthusiastic about my new position than I was initially, but in many ways it remains the lesser of two evils. However, it will be a great line on my resume.

The other thing is about the new job, K's a bit envious. One reason is due to the nature of the job that it is prestigious and high-profile. Second reason that there is a problem is that I am working for the guy, who put her through hell with her reorg last summer. She remains very bitter and doesn't want me to like the guy. It's awkward when you work for someone not to like them in the least. The thing is that I do like the guy, I'm just not sure that he should be leading a 4500 person organization. But he's being replaced in a couple of weeks with someone else. That's part of the problem, no one in the organization knows their roles and everyone, including me, is jostling for positions and power. I've already begun working a couple of contacts to try and get in a good word for me with the new guy.

Moving on from organizational politics. . . More exciting to K, the infant niece has shown up for the weekend. She arrived last night wailing after a long day in the car. Today we took her to the psychiatrist with us and went to breakfast afterwards. Now, she and K are both upstairs taking much needed naps.

Even a few months ago, it would have been difficult for me to contemplate changing my job due to the effect that it would have on K. It's a sign of progress that she's been able to adapt and not freak out about the impact it is having on her routine. Rather, she's excited that I will no longer be using the car every day and will limit the impact it has on the environment.

Things are going really well and I am trying to take the time to enjoy them and acknowledge how hard we have struggled to achieve this state.

Responsibilities of the Patient

2006-06-01T15:21:00.000-05:00

Over the months, K and I have had a number of discussions regarding the responsibility of someone, who is ill. During the throes of illness, it becomes difficult to know when a caretaker should give up and when they should continue to fight. All activities become overwhelming and difficult instead of being able to easily move from one thing to another. One of the most prominent memories that I retain from K's illness is a feeling of complete exhaustion. Much of that time is in a memory haze or fog. I believe that the fog is my body and mind protecting itself from the pain that the memories bring.

But let me return to my topic. At what point does a caretaker have the responsibility to say, "I can no longer do this."?

I strongly believe that the patient has the responsibility to do as much as they can to get better. Some days that may mean that they are only able to swallow their medication when it is handed to them. Other days, it may mean going to a therapist or calling the doctor. The responsibilities should be determined by the patient's illness and limitations. However, my key message is that the patient has a responsibility to try and get better.

If there is no effort on the part of the patient, how can the caretaker keep going? Mental illness is not a disease that can be cured by outside forces. It is necessary to have external involvement to make it possible for the patient to address their problems. For example, someone needs to be on medication before they can begin to change their habits to reduce the likelihood of another episode. But, in the end, the changes have to come from the patient.

I believe that there are firm guidelines as well regarding the role of caretaker. I'm not willing to remain in any situation when my safety may be compromised or I am subject to either emotional or physical abuse. There was also a point when I had to admit that it was time for me to get help. K's illness was having a profound effect on my ability to function and I was not longer able to go it alone. The third thing is really the idea that the patient has to continue to help themselves.

L's Caretaker Tenants

1. Never accept any type of threat to personal safety from the patient.
2. Never accept physical or emotional abuse from the patient.
3. Realize that you cannot do it all and accept help, either personal or professional.
4. The patient must be willing to help his- or herself.

These are tenants that K agrees with. She feels that I have no obligation to remain if she's unwilling to do anything for herself. We are fortunate in that we didn't have children in the house or other obligations throughout the period of K's episode. Instead, we were able to focus on her health. Other obligations change the mix and make it more difficult to focus on the one, who is mentally ill.

These are really some thoughts that have been swirling in my head over the past few months and it seemed to be the time to put them out here.

Aimless Weekend

2006-05-28T12:59:00.000-05:00

It's a four-day Memorial Day weekend, and both of us are off balance. No discernible reason, expect it's possible that PMS is taking a bit of a bite. Yesterday we seemed to spend the entire day sniping at one another. It would go underground for a few hours and then one of us would explode about an absurdly minor issue. Today is a bit calmer, but we still feel somewhat directionless.

It doesn't help that Rolling Thunder is in town and it makes it difficult to go out and do things. However, we should be able to make it to the pharmacy and grocery store without running in to too much traffic. If we can get the motivation to do even that.

Yesterday, we stopped by Whole Foods and picked up a bone-in roast and a buffalo steak for dinner. Neither of us had the motivation to cook either item, so we're having them for dinner tonight. I don't know if I will like the buffalo steak, but though it was worth trying. This morning, I dragged myself and the dog out to the part for a long walk. I was successful in exhausting the dog. She passed out in front of the fireplace on her blanket. After the run she had this morning, it may take her two days to recover. In addition to getting to play off leash, she was able to wade in the creek. In a couple months, the water will be too dangerous to let her go in. Some parasite or algae grows and is poisonous to dogs, but it is still early enough in the season to let her play.

I'm babbling. I hope that I'll feel better soon.

Memorial Day Weekend--Friday

2006-05-26T07:13:00.000-05:00

Today is starting to seem like the first day of summer. Despite the earliness of the day, the air already feels sticky and humid. Not a big surprise, since the summers here are miserable with humidity. The bigger surprise is that it has taken until Memorial Day to feel this way. Actually, we've had a lovely drawn out spring. It almost seemed unnatural that the weather was beautiful for weeks on end. Not the norm. But I would expect that we will begin to revert to more normal weather patterns again.

K and I have no specific plans for the weekend. It's a 4 day weekend for us--wooo hoooo! We have today off and don't have to return to the office until Tuesday. Lots of little things on the to do lists, but nothing big and distasteful. We are looking forward to doing things around the house over the next few days.

My week has been confusing. Nothing to do with K, but the job situation is confusing. From Tuesday through Thursday, I attended a training course in another facility. Part way through the day on Tuesday, I was told by someone else that I was being moved to a different job. All the information went along with a possibility that I had been exploring, but I hadn't told anyone about it. That the gossip chain had picked it up showed that there was probably something actually happening.

No date has yet been set, but I am moving up to share a Chief of Staff job with someone else. It's significantly more power and influence in the organization. An organization that is in serious flux. The only thing I hear from everyone is that there is no one to actually do any work, because we are so understaffed. And we are in the middle of a round of buyouts.

I'm excited to be switching jobs, though I am still resolved to leave the organization entirely. I'm hoping that this assignment will help me make more contacts to achieve that goal. What hit home is how happy I have been for the past two years in my current office. As I have said, my office is being disbanded and many of my favorite people have left or will leave, mostly retiring, in the next month. But this week, I ended up crying over what I am going to be losing/missing. I'm not the only one. My office is going through the grieving process as well. It's very difficult going through all the changes.

K has been slightly concerned about me. She knows that I am grieving for my office. But it has also manifested itself into a grief for what happened with her between the heart attack and the spiral into bipolar disorder. As we watch TV shows, on either DVD or through iTunes, I overreacted when a character is killed off. This past week, I break out into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't think it is fear over K. Instead, I believe that I am mourning the days when I didn't know enough to be frightened.

K's illness opened up an entirely new world of possibilities for me. That sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is true. I didn't know enough to be frightened. No one in my family has died or even been ill. I've never been exposed to the fear and uncertainty that comes when a loved one is confronting the unknown. K's illness exposed me to the feeling of vunerable. I think I am crying because when I see someone on TV die, I can imagine how their friends and family feel. Actually, I can probably only imagine a piece of what they feel, but that is enough to make me break into tears. I don't want to feel that way. K's dragging me off to her therapist tomorrow to discuss this together.

Another topic, which may be on tomorrow's therapist agenda, is my job change. One of the things that has discouraged me from changing jobs in the past few years has been K's illness and resistance to change. My current position and the previous position have allowed me the flexibility to leave at a moment's notice when K has needed me. Fortunately, that hasn't been necessary for almost two years. But for about a 15 month period, it was very important. The other thing that she has relied upon is my giving her a ride to work and up until last summer a ride home. She works within two miles of the house, but K has fought taking the bus for years. This past spring, she began to take the bus home. She picks up a transfer and provides it to me as a voucher to set up the coffee for her every night. It's a way to reward her for taking the bus.

This job switch will require K to change her commuting habits. She will have to take public transportation both ways to work. I will as well, but I am looking forward to it. The biggest difference is that she isn't too upset about it. I know she's concerned, but we are talking through different ways she can do it. Right now, she trying to convince me to go out of my way, so she doesn't have to take the bus alone in the mornings. I would prefer not to, but I may do it for a little bit to make her feel better. The fact we can even have the conversation and discuss the alternatives is a huge change.

Sometime later . . .

Something happened this morning. It may be PMS, but I'm not sure. We had a personal training session set for 10 am. K got up and ate breakfast. Then it was as if a switch was flipped in her brain and she began to struggle mentally. Ultimately, she didn't even make it to the training session. She took half a xanax and went back to sleep. I hope this was a very temporary blip and that it is not indicative of how the rest of the weekend will be. Though, if things are bad tomorrow again, she has an appointment with her therapist. I'll have to remind K that this will be her three year anniversary with the therapist. K saw her for the first time 3 years ago on Memorial Day weekend. I remember K was extremely doubtful and I was surprised that anyone would be seeing clients on the Saturday of Memorial Day.

Okay. . . I did make the personal training session. He works me much harder when K isn't there. Between sets, I usually stand gasping for breath. What he does is string three or four exercises in a row and keeps me moving from one to another. I need to go have lunch.

By the way, I posted my e-mail address in comments a while ago, but here it is again. synergylk@gmail.com Feel free to e-mail if you would like.

Weekend

2006-05-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to be a bit more regular about writing. I enjoy it and it is an opportunity to reflect. This is my only chance to do so at work, as the rest of the week I will be in training with no access to a computer. My Blackberry keeps tabs on my e-mail, but no surf capability from the Blackberry.

It was a good weekend. About halfway through preparing the Friday dinner menu, I feared that I may have undertaken more than I could handle in two hours. But it all came together at about 2.5 hours. Only criticism was that I put too much salt in the biscuits for the strawberry shortcake. I'm not sure if I can blame the recipe, since I didn't actually measure the salt. I dumped it in my hand and poured it into the dough.

K's schedule was definitely disrupted Friday. Our guests stayed until about 1 am. We went through 2.5 bottles of wine and I ended up somewhat hung over the next morning. Not terrible, but it has been a long time since I was careless enough to get a hangover. The bad part about it was that we got up at 9 am and had a personal training session at 10 am. Against all odds, I did feel better after the session.

Saturday, we spent in the backyard. I planted my little plants in the borders, we cleaned up a broken flower box (assholes keep running over the bricks and shattering the box). We have the biggest parking spot in the alley. So when people with large vehicles roar down the alley, not bothering to find out if they can exit at the other end, (they can't), after reversing down the alley, they use our spot to turn their overgrown, gas guzzling pigmobiles around. Yes, it is a sore subject. My flowers have been ruined, the motorcycle hit, and our fence almost torn from the ground by these people who cannot maneuver their vehicles in small places. Why do you need a huge SUV when you live in a city that has snow once a year?

Back to business--K and I were extremely productive outside. It was great. Then in the early evening, a friend came over and he and K tried to get her motorcycle started. It hasn't been run in several years. The bike wanted to start, but just couldn't quite pull it off. K was disappointed by not distraught, which is a huge change. For a couple of years, she couldn't even uncover the bike because she was so upset by how it looked. When she moved here the bike was in perfect condition after living for years in a garage. But here, it is kept covered outside. Perhaps, if it is running and she wants to keep it, we'll spring for indoor storage next winter.

On Friday, we are intending to get a tow truck to take it out to the cycle shop that we've selected and leave it for them to work on. After it's running, we'll take the time to straighten out the plates and inspections. Bureaucratic mess that we usually don't get in to, but it happened this time.

Saturday evening, we ended up hosting another small dinner party. Seems like even making burgers, baked beans, salad, and appetizer all took a lot of work. Not quite such a late night, but 11 pm is late enough if you are accustomed to being asleep by 10 pm.

Sunday was another beautiful day. We headed out to Home Depot and loaded up the car with mulch. K got a hedge trimmer that she's coveted for ages. I have no clue what she's planning to do with it, as we have no hedges in sight. But I won't let her buy a chain saw, so this may be the surrogate.

I spent a couple hours weeding and mulching the front yard. Amazing difference. This year, I went with the black mulch instead of the regular. I'm tired of the mulch fading and looking icky after a few days. I'll see if the black mulch continues to look good for a longer time. I am not a fan of Home Depot, but we had gift cards and the Lowes is way too far away.

This morning, we both bounded out of bed and headed to the office. Actually, I didn't quite bound. I took an ambien last night and was too tired to make it to my am workout. But I did make it to work on-time, and that counts for something.

K and I both commented throughout the weekend, how much we were enjoying the time together and the luxury of being able to work on the house and appreciate the weather. K was also able to do a lot more, partially a benefit of her weight lifting and increased physical activity.

Dinner Party Tonight

2006-05-19T14:06:00.000-05:00

Tonight we have some friends coming over. We get along well with the couple, who now have a new baby. Always an excuse to drink, in my case. But we share a number of interests and always end up having a good. For a long time, we would only manage to see each every 6 months, despite living less than a mile apart. But recently, we've decided to make a concerted effort and schedule dinners every six to eight weeks.

As I mentioned, K has been in a foul temper. Even this morning, she was on the irritable side. But this afternoon on the phone, she's sounding more like her well-tempered self. That should make this evening more entertaining.

I've been working on the menu and need to go shopping after work. I am cutting out of work early. It's my early day anyway, I only worked 8 hours today. Normally, I put in 9 to get an extra day off. It's off to Whole Foods to pick up for food for the following menu. I've been hitting the William Sonoma site for the recipes.

hummus and toasted pita (hopefully, I won't burn the pita in the oven this time. Last time I set off the smoke alarm.)
Goat Cheese stuffed cherry tomatoes

Coconut Lime Shrimp
Zucchini and Tomatoes Baked
Coleslaw

Strawberry Shortcake

Since I haven't actually even purchased the ingredients for any of this, I need to get my tail to the store and get home to start cooking. Though, it shouldn't be too difficult to pull off in a couple of hours.

I'll also be breaking out the Wokka. Last time, these guys just had a taste and then I ran out. But we have a new bottle. Very difficult to procure. It has to be shipped in from Chicago, because no one sells it around here. But the stuff is amazing. I really wanted to try some of the cocktails this time, but I'm not sure that I'll have the opportunity. I may just have to stick with the tonic and lime combination, which is excellent and simple.

Well, I need to run. Wish me luck on the cooking.

Mild Flashback

2006-05-18T12:33:00.000-05:00

This morning was a slight flashback to a couple of years ago. Nowhere near the extreme intensity, but still a tinge of the past. It makes me wonder how I ever survived K's illness.

K's been suffering from bad allergies. Though the weather is cool, we keep the a/c running in our bedroom and in the downstairs to try and filter out some of the pollen as it enters the house. Regardless, she's been in quite a bit of pain from her sinuses and her head is very congested. She missed work last Friday, this past Tuesday, and again today. Today, she fortunately had a doctor's appointment to have them take a look at her. With luck, they will prescribe something to take away her discomfort.

But K was on the edge of anger today. Rage is actually the more accurate word. Yesterday we had a brief spat about something minor. Then this morning it felt as if I had to be very tentative to keep her from exploding. I pointed that out and she did acknowledge that she was struggling. I hate those moods. I hate feeling as if I'm going to be yelled at regardless of what I do. It occurs infrequently these days, but I hate all of it.

I left to head off to work. Not that I was terribly enthusiastic about going. I'm the only member of my work group under 55, and retirement is starting to sound good. My perspective is distorted by all these guys, who will retire in the very near future. About a block from the house, my cell rang. K was calling to see if I would call in sick and spend the day with her.

Her call was a sign that she was feeling pretty awful. Alternatively though, I dislike the pressure to change my schedule and stay with her. I told her that I had a deadline (which was the truth) and suggested that she take a xanax and return to bed. She did that.

I checked in around noon to make sure that she was up and ready to go to see the doctor. She was and sounded a bit better, but we didn't speak for more than a moment.

I don't know if it's the pain from the allergies or if she's having PMS or what is impacting her mood. She normally takes Paxil to control the PMS symptoms. A few months ago, she moved from taking it a few days a month to taking it daily. But the past couple of days, she stopped taking it. Paxil interferes with her libido and she was tired of it. She will take it when she suspects that PMS is lurking. I suggested this morning that her mood may be a result of the lack of Paxil. She was going to take it again today and see how she feels. It seems to work fairly quickly. Libido versus evil temper--it's one of those faustian trade-offs that people with bipolar are constantly negotiating. Do I want to remain poor and unknown and let god have my soul or do I sell my soul to the Mephistopheles and become wealthy and famous? Do I want to be interested in sex and have an evil temper so no one will want to be near me or do I want to be well-tempered and not be interested in sex? What a choice.

June is fast approaching. The past three Junes have been bad. I don't know why. It's been different reasons each year. I'm hopeful that this year it will break whatever curse is on that month. I'm busy planning to go strawberry picking to make jam and strawberry cake and strawberry soup. Yum! Last year, I pick 11 pounds. I think I might do a bit more this year. Then I would have some extra to freeze. But I won't make the mistake of leaving the freshly picked berries in a parked car with the inside temperature exceeding a 100 degrees. The berries were okay--but I'm pretty sure that they would have been better without the heat bath.

Things will get back to normal. I'm feeling fussy and whiny for a number of reasons today. I wrangled an invitation to a breakfast tomorrow morning to go with a friend. He writes to me today that he is being sent to Dallas for the weekend. Now, I'm trying to decide if I should still go, since I am not actually in the invited group. But the head of my larger organization is speaking and I'm trying to worm my way into his office as a chief-of-staff. I'll consult a co-worker or two and see what they think.

Sunday Afternoon

2006-05-14T15:02:00.000-05:00

I feel as if I have been neglecting this blog. Actually, there's no question about it. I have been neglecting this blog. But it seems as if out life has picked up its pace and we are busy doing other fun things. However, I am taking the time to post this afternoon.

It's raining outside. Spring has been beautiful. Normally we go from 50 to 90 digress within a few days. But all of April and May have been wonderful. The temperature is in the 60's or 70's, no humidity, and long beautiful days. I have not taken advantage of the weather as I should, but I am appreciating it. I just paid all the bills. I have no idea how we manage to spend so much money keeping a household running. When I first moved out into my own apartment back in 1997, I had $1300 a month after taxes to pay everything. Now, with well over five times that amount of money available every month, it still seems as if we spend it all. Fortunately, the retirement and savings amounts are all pulled prior to the money hitting our bank account. But I am needlessly griping. It's due to extravagance like going out to dinner three times in the past week that we spend so much. Lately, we have been very good about cooking at home, but the past few days we were either with other people or out and about.

That brings me to my best news. K is doing wonderfully. It struck me the other day that she is much more comfortable with herself. The constant self-hatred that she had battled ever since we met and long before I knew her has gone. It's replaced with a feeling of confidence. She's not always happy with everything that she does. For example, she's not happy about her weight. But she feels able to change it and doesn't have deep self-hatred about it. Part of it is working with the personal trainer has made her realize that she can change her body and she is physically capable of doing things. But the change really stems from the work that she has done with her therapist over the past three years.

I told K all of this. I also told her therapist during her session yesterday. Her therapist confirmed my observations with her own. K's therapist believes that K will soon be able to only come see her when there's a problem. K's not sure that she's quite ready to be released from therapy, but they are going to once every three weeks.

I hope that I don't regret these feelings of happiness and optimism. I don't believe I will, but I do feel slightly superstitious about K's illness.

The two of us remain disgustingly happy. May 5 was the 5th anniversary of our commitment ceremony. We went to the mountains, but only stayed one night, as the pollen was so bad neither of us was able to breathe. K's still suffering this weekend. Right now, she's curled up in bed trying to feel better. I suffered throughout the weekend, but have started to feel better over the past few days.

My job search is continuing. No word from the three applications that I have submitted, but it usually takes about 8 weeks before there's a chance of hearing anything. It hasn't been eight weeks for any of them yet. However, my current organization keeps offering me alternatives. Most of them have been unappealing, but last week they finally presented one that does interest me. I am curious to see if it actually comes through. I am hoping so, because the position has a number of advantages. 1. Closer to home. 2. Developmental opportunity 3. I won't have to work for the SOB, who I worked for a few years ago and will have to work for again beginning in July. 4. Work should be more engaging. 5. I will have significantly more power in the organization in the new position, though it won't technically be a promotion. In the end, it won't be enough to make me stay, but it will be enough to keep me happy while I look for something else.

I am thoroughly sick of my current commute. I could take public transportation, but that lengthens my commute from about 75-90 minutes to about 120-150 minutes. 2.5 hours is much too long to spend commuting, though I would be able to read. The challenge of the commute is that my office is not within walking distance of the train. Once I am dropped off in the deep suburbs, I have to then catch a shuttle for the last few miles. The shuttle only comes every half-hour and takes another 10 minutes. It adds quite a bit of time on the end of an already long trip. But driving is becoming increasingly more challenging. Traffic has worsened, so it can take me 45-60 minutes to get home at night. Also, not a fun way to end a long day. Best answer, and the one that I am working towards, is to find a job in the city. I keep hoping one will soon materialize.

Yesterday, K and I had a fun day. A colleague of mine gave me tickets to see Golda's Balcony. I didn't know and still know very little about Israel during the 70's, but the play was excellent. Valerie Harper was a one-woman show playing Golda Meir. She did an excellent job and it was thought provoking. Guess I need to do some reading on my history. We attended the matinee and then headed over to another part of the city to hang out and wait for another friend to join us for dinner. It was good. K asked me on the way home, if I am still frustrated by our lack of activity. I had to laugh. It's the opposite. Instead of doing nothing, we are doing so much that the house is a mess.

After returning home, we headed out to sit on the front porch and watch the pedestrian traffic and the neighborhood. It was tranquil until the several police officers suddenly ran by us with drawn weapons. At that point, we decided we were better off in the house. We never did figure out what happened. I'll have to e-mail the Ltd. and ask. But the police helicopter spent about 30 minutes searching the alley behind our house and our backyards with their searchlight. The police entered a couple buildings across the street, but in the end no arrests were made. Usually, there is a gun shot or yelling or something before the police show up. This time, it was perfectly calm until patrol cars and officers materialized from the darkness. And we had just been talking about how the neighborhood is getting so much better. Well, it is, but there are always a few set backs.

My mental state is good. I am happy and content. I would like a new job, but that has little bearing on my general state of mind. I begin to wonder if the title caregiver even applies. My thought is that it probably does not. K doesn't need a caregiver any more. I only hope that she never will need one again. I can't decide if I am being realistic or lulled into complacency. But over the past few years, I never would have believed that we would have reached the point where we are today.

Catching up

2006-04-28T16:52:00.000-05:00

I know that I warned you all that I would be gone for some time, but even I didn't expect that I would end up being absent this long. Or at least it feels like, though I realize my last post was only 12 days ago.

Right now, I am enjoying the spring weather. Normally in this part of the country, spring passes us by. It will go from 50 to 90 within the span of a few days. Not this year, instead, the weather has been lovely in the 60's and 70's, with long beautiful sunny days. Today is one of those days, and K and I are off work and able to enjoy it. I am sitting on the front steps with the laptop balanced on my knees and observing the rush hour traffic backing up for the light at the corner with a beer next to me. K is upstairs napping.

April has been an exceptionally busy month. It's rare that I feel that I can only concentrate on one day at a time, because if I think ahead it would have overwhelmed me. Now, quickly approaching the end of the month, I have done everything that I set out to accomplish and I am happy about it.

My job application was submitted on Monday afternoon, 10 hours prior to the midnight deadline. I have no perspective on how well it was done, but I know that my first and second level managers believe that I have a shot at the executive training program. I will be pleased if I make it to the interview stage.

In addition to working on the seven essays from hell, I have been conducting informational interviews and networking for the month. That networking has led to further contacts and further networking. The one thing that no one ever mentions about networking is that it takes forever. Not only does it take tons of time to meet with people and chat about what you would like to do, but it take time for them to pass along the resume and speak to all their contacts. I'm not really complaining, but I do realize that the networking will probably only lead to the opportunity to apply for a job. Though, it will be an opportunity to apply for a job with the person on the other end already recognizing my name. At least, this is my theory. It hasn't played out that way yet.

The job stuff would have been quite enough, but we also spent a lot of April socializing. K's family came for Easter, including the 14 week old niece. K's brain has been fried with baby hormones. She can't get Anne out of her mind. During the visit, the baby spent two relatively quiet nights with us. Even though they have been gone for two weeks, K's thoughts constantly linger on her niece and what she is doing. My guess is crying, feeding, or sleeping, but somehow I think that my answer isn't quite the sentimental one that matches K's thoughts.

K had a good visit with her family. Probably the best visit ever with her sister. K and her sister have never been close. The tension in the relationship was captured early on in a photo of K at 6 years old holding her 3 year old sister in a chokehold for the camera. Things never really improved till the birth of Anne. K and her sister are both making a concerted effort to improve ties between them and I know that K is relishing knowing her sister as an adult.

K was a bit lost after her family left. I was exhausted and somewhat irritated with K. K's brain stopped functioning in the presence of Anne and she didn't help me manage the guests as well as she should have. We've discussed it now and I think things will be better for the next visit. We will see them in July, though K is busy plotting as to how she can take off for a weekend and head out to see the baby.

The personal trainer time is starting to pay off. K doesn't think that she's lost weight, but she has stopped snoring at night. That's a big plus as far as I am concerned. Also, she's beginning to sleep without ambien every night. My take on the sleeping without ambien is that her body is responding to the exercise and naturally falling asleep more easily. K's lifting the weights at the personal trainer's, and she is walking more. This past week, we even went for a bike ride. It was her first ride in years. We have one planned on Sunday to the farmer's market.

Yesterday was exceptionally busy. K and I attended a work related training program and open house for the first part of the day. Then, she came to hang out at my office for a few hours, so we could attend a farewell reception for one of my colleagues. It was a very good reception. K had the opportunity to meet some of my co-workers, whom I have spoken of for the past two years. She knew my old office, but had not met anyone really from my new office. They had the chance to put the face on K's name, since I talk constantly about her.

It was also a bittersweet reception. Over the next few months, the majority of the attendees will either be leaving for new jobs or retiring. I don't think that the group will be together again the way it was last night. It's not a secret that everyone is searching frantically for a way out of the organization. A number of people were even loudly joking about banding together to help me search for a job. A couple people in from our regional offices appeared somewhat shocked about the openness of the conversation. But I've had a very good two years with this group. They are fun. I've grown professionally and personally. I've been well treated and my professional work is extremely well-respected in the organization. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive environment. It's upsetting to think that it is being dismantled. Instead of regrets, I work to remind myself that I have been fortunate to have this situation at all. K keeps telling me and everyone else that I lead a charmed existence. The past two years have certainly felt that way.

It's been a good month. But I am glad that May doesn't appear to be anywhere near as busy. The highlight is that K and I will celebrate the 5th anniversary of our commitment ceremony next Friday. We've heading to the mountains to take advantage of the opportunity to use a friend's cabin for the weekend. This way the dog can join us and explore the land and chase small furry animals.

The good news is that with all the activities, K's illness has played no role. It seems as if she is only becoming stronger and more stable. I have no reservation about saying that, but a small part of the reptilian side of my brain wonders if I should not praise our fortune for the danger of bringing on bad luck. I am not worried about the long term, but I do have some reservations about the month of June. For the past three years, June has proven to be the most difficult month of the year. I hope that we are able to break the cycle this year. Sitting in the spring air, I believe that we will.

Still Out Here

2006-04-08T20:55:00.000-05:00

Is it pathetic to be sitting on the couch reading other people's blogs on a Saturday evening? K and I are taking it easy. Last night, we hosted a dinner party after work and I didn't get to bed 'till after 2 am. K had the sense to go to bed around 11 pm. Then we had a personal training session this morning at 10 am. I did better than I expected. Fortunately, I didn't have a hangover, though I probably deserved one for mixing Wokka, wine, and Johnny Walker Blue. K had given me the blue for my birthday in January and we bring it out when we have guests. The bottle is going quickly. I think that we need to find another good scotch that is somewhat less expensive. I don't want to be cheap, but $200/ bottle is quite a bit.

K is really getting into the working out. This past week, she's been focused more on walking and trying to keep moving instead of sitting around as much. At today's session, there was already an improvement in her stamina and flexibility. I felt better as well, though I know that I will be hurting tomorrow for it. Now, K's working on figuring out how to fit three 30-minute walks in during the week without killing herself. All this activity does have a bit of a downside. Since she's just getting into it, she missed two days of work last week as a result of exhaustion. I wasn't shocked, but I know that it frustrated her. We also had house guests last weekend and stayed up way too late with them. Yes, there is a theme that when we entertain, we don't stick to our early to bed schedule.

(Side note: Should we have washed the dog food container before putting in the dog food? We are discussing a dog that picks garbage up (occasionally) and eats it and licks her ass. K says that we shouldn't bother and my take is that we ought to at least make the attempt.)

Last night, our guests got a bit rowdy. K pulled out a copy of the butch test, which provides biased judgments on whether you are considered butch or not in the lesbian community. It was entertaining as K was the only lesbian in the room. We had two heterosexual women, one heterosexual man, and myself, bisexual woman. Despite K being the lesbian, one of our guests was pushing hard for points and wanted desperately to be counted as butch. She did better than I did. I believe that I received the "Bumbling Bisexual" category. When I last took the test a few years ago, I was "Alluringly androgynous". However, since that time I have begun to get manicures, pedicures, etc, for which you lose points. Despite all the competition, we did have an enjoyable evening. It was abruptly brought to a halt when our guests 3 month old daughter decided it was time to head for home or howl. No indication of the child's sexual preference at this stage.

The good news is that K's bipolar is low key. She's doing well. She's been even more affectionate than usual of late, which is nice. We remain disgustingly in love even after 8+ years of togetherness. Things are good and hopefully they will remain so.

Just for full disclosure, K has been reading over my shoulder as I have typed this entire post.

New York Times articles

2006-04-04T13:04:00.000-05:00

I'm hitting major writer's block in regards to my job application. I have two of the seven essays completed. I've been working on the third, but it seems as if I can't focus. As a response, I thought that I would blog for a moment.

The New York Times has carried two excellent articles related to mental illness over the past couple of days. The first one discusses an implement to treat drug resistant depression. It's still in the testing phase and is extremely expensive, but the anecdotes from the article sound promising.

The second article is a discussion of whether impulse behavior can be bad or lead to mental illness. There seems to be a fine line between positive and negative impulse behaviors.

These articles are available free for two weeks, then you have to pay a nominal fee, if you aren't a Times Select subscriber. I finally gave in and began to pay the $7.95 a month to access Times Select. I was too frustrated by not having access to all the columnists.

K is doing relatively well. Today she's asleep. We miscalculated with our guests this weekend. On Friday and Saturday nights, we stayed up too late. Then Sunday we napped after their departure and ended up sleeping till 6 pm. Do you think that either one of us was able to go to sleep at 9:30 pm? Not bloody likely. Also with the beginning of daylight savings time and my period, we reached a confluence of events that wiped us both out. My manager kicked me out of the office early yesterday, as I looked so miserable. The exhaustion probably is feeding into my writer's block as well.

I've been doing better about not getting wired with K. She has leave and I know that she hates to use it, but there are times when she is unable to make it to the office. Today is one of them. I called the house at 1 pm and she was still sound asleep. I'm hoping that she'll be better by the time I get home. The other part is that K wears a hormone patch. She's been very poor about changing them weekly, as required.
That may be affecting her mood. Last night, she began to get wired, but was able to catch herself. We also made sure to take the time and put on a new patch.

Nothing else of interest. I really need to keep working on the application.

K pumping iron (no pink weights)

2006-03-31T22:28:00.000-05:00

A week ago, K suggested that we should return to the personal trainer that I was seeing a couple of years ago. K didn't go with me at that time, but K has finally decided that she wants to take control of her physical condition and begin improving her physical condition. Today was our first session working out. She was thrilled that she was able to do anything. The trainer is extremely encouraging and willing to take it slow with K. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel that way about me. I'm exhausted, as K basks in her happy glow.

I think that K's greatest triumph with the exercise routine is that she can use real weights. About 2 years ago, I purchased some weights for her to use at home. To her mortification, the 2 lb weights are bright pink. Today, she was able to use 3 lb weights that were black and stainless. They looked exactly like the weights I was using. She was thrilled. Actually, she did great. I think this was a wonderful idea on her part. I'm happy to return to the trainer to improve my condition and K will benefit as well.

Lately

2006-03-29T20:28:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing much lately. I keep mulling over whether my lack of interest in writing means that I am done with the concept of blogging or if I should try to ride it out and see what happens next. Thus far, I keep coming down in favor of riding out my lack of creativity and seeing where things go over the next few months.

Part of my silence pertains to my job. My organization is collapsing around me. The business line I work in remains profitable, but the senior management is fleeing the organization like rats scuttling off the rotten ship. Either to retirement or to other organizations. This has left me with feelings of abandonment. Now, I have decided to join the exodus and start looking for another position. My manager is retiring on June 1 and his goal is to get his last two employees jobs outside the organization. So, he's reviewing my resume, cover letters, writing samples, and everything else that I need to submit for jobs. We had a strategy session today as to what I ought to be working on to get the best job. It's great having the support. My 2nd level supervisor is busy sending out my resume to the people in her network, who I would be interested in joining.

But all the writing and focus on the job search reduces my blogging time. It will continue to be further reduced, as I am starting to work on a giant application package. It includes 7 essays on subjects such as leading change, leading people, business acumen. It's an executive training program at an organization where I've wanted to work for years. The package is due on April 24. I'll try to write in the meantime, but I may be very quiet over here.