syntactic gymnastics

"If" You Teach In a School Like Mine...

2008-06-22T17:05:00.002-04:00

Here's a poem that I came across a few months ago that really speaks to my experience this year:

"If" by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

A Difficult Decision

2008-06-16T17:03:00.004-04:00

First of all, I apologize to my readers for my long absence. I lost my motivation for blogging around the same time that things really fell apart at my school (I'm sure no one is surprised, but it's worse than ever!). It's been day-to-day survival since then. My principal, citing "budget cuts," combined classes for the new semester so that we had 30+ kids per class, and of course, put no care or thought into the composition of those classes or the schedule. I now have 12:1 kids in classes of 30 with SETSS, ESL, and ED kids, and few of them are getting the support services they need. Anyhow, it has created mayhem all over the school (it's a good day when there's not a riot, food fight, bomb threat, or the police showing up). Teachers are worn out. I have several posts that I began to write but never finished, so check back. I may decide to post them when they were originally intended and you can read more about the details of the second semester.

My big news is that, after a long and difficult deliberation, I have decided to take a break from teaching for at least the next year. I always thought I'd be the one to make it, the one that succeeded where others have failed, the one who wouldn't quit, the one who made teaching her profession and stayed in it for the long haul. But it has taken all my energy to get through these last few months with my sanity in tact, and I feel that I must take a break in order to be refreshed for teaching in the future. Above all, I want to feel successful at what I do day-to-day, knowing that my hard work and perseverence are paying off. I don't need a pat on the back; I need truly supportive administrators who know how to -- and are interested in -- helping me grow and not just playing the blame game. I want to flourish as a teacher, to be invigorated and inspired when I get home at night and not drained and continually frustrated to the point of almost having a nervous breakdown.

I know that right now there just aren't ELA jobs readily available in the schools that are doing the work I want to do and that truly support their teachers. So I am hoping that after a period of rest, reflection, travel, and dabbling in other activities (part-time volunteering or job, or perhaps taking a few classes) that I will be able to interview well and land a job at the school of my dreams.

But who knows where life will take me. I am also leaving open the possibility of a career change. Perhaps I will go back and get my PhD. Or become a librarian. Or work for a non-profit. I am lucky to have the support of my husband, who just wants me to be happy in whatever I do, and who will support me during a career change if necessary. I am hoping to continue this blog as long as I am involved in education. I will be posting this summer as I make sense of my experiences this year and decide my next steps. Have a relaxing summer; it is well-deserved!

Unionizing or Truly Uniting?

2008-02-25T19:02:00.000-05:00

Over the last few months, I have really started to pay more attention to the issues of privatization in schools. I went to a Teachers Unite forum a few weeks ago on this topic. They handed out some great reading material: "The Big Enchilada: A Corporate Sneak Attack on the Public Schools" by Jonathan Kozol" and Test Today, Privatize Tomorrow: Using Accountability to 'Reform' Public Schools to Death" by Alfie Kohn. "The Corporate Surge Against Public Schools," an article by Steven Miller and Jack Gerson, has also been circulating the listservs.

I was interested, in particular, in Kohn's criticism of John Taylor Gatto, whose ideas I had come across and mentioned a while back. Kohn argues that Gatto's distinction between "education" and "school" is a good one, and is in agreement that public "school" in the US has always been dumbed down and designed to control others, to turn children into factory workers or servants. However, Kohn sharply criticizes Gatto's conclusion that public education as a whole is to blame and should be done away with; rather, we must claim public education for the interests of the public and for true democracy. Doing away with public education, as Gatto suggests, would only serve to further the corporate cause.

It was a wake-up moment for me when I began to put it all together -- the NYC reforms, NCLB, New Orleans, Philadelphia, small schools (like mine) that look and function just like charter schools, the grueling schedule of standardized tests and test prep, the attack on our UFT rights, and the apparent complicity of our own union in doing so. It is absolutely clear that we MUST stand up and unite against these forces that are truly out to demolish not only all public services, but all democracy as well. The question is how to do so.

I began my career with full faith in the union. In my first few months teaching, I saw the union and our sacred rights as absolutely essential to my survival as a teacher. As my regular readers know, I was even a chapter leader for a time. I knew enough to be skeptical of the administration's motives, but I was floored when I realized just how little support I could expect from the UFT. I have reached out to them on numerous occasions, always hoping that something good would come of it, but most of the time, I hear promises from the UFT reps and DRs that never come to fruition and I just live in fear about the negative consequences. And shortly after I began teaching, I watched as my rights slipped away with the new contracts: lunch duty (which is SUCH a waste of my time), extra time in the day with the 37.5 minutes, and most importantly, not being able to grieve letters in the file. Having been so burned time and again, most of my fellow teachers view the union with as much suspicion as the administration, making it that much harder to be united as a staff. Everyone is out for themselves and chaos ensues. A former colleague (who has since left teaching altogether) described teaching in the South Bronx as the "Wild West."

Ednotesonline discusses potential reasons that UFT opposition groups like ICE and TJC have a hard time appealing to a wide range of teachers. Arguably, I am one of those teachers ICE would like to recruit -- a socially conscious, union-valuing, critically thinking, activist type. I've been interested in ICE's activities and voted for ICE candidates in the last UFT election, but have shied away from getting involved for the very reasons Ednotes talks about. I'm overwhelmed by the nasty politics within the UFT and disgusted at the apparent lack of concern for what's happening in these small schools. If the teachers "won't stand up", or so the UFT DR's stance goes, then "what can we do?" I know that's not ICE's stance at all, but I think the UFT has been so corrupted that ICE, while a very important opposition voice, is in for an overwelmingly long and hard battle. Not unlike the Green party is to the Democrats/Republicans.

The problem with this logic is that the teachers won't stand up with the UFT if they can't trust the very people who are supposed to be looking out for their interests. The teachers won't stand up when every effort is made by the DOE and the principals to splinter the staff and create a culture of fear. The UFT should have been on the ground, uniting the staffs of these small schools, from the very beginning of all of the reorganizations. They shouldn't be waiting around for the desperate cries for help, only to pass the buck when it's clear the situation is hopeless. The teachers will NOT stand up with the UFT, because the UFT is not ultimately serving their interests lately. I mean, think about it. If the organization itself is top-down (I just learned that the District Reps are appointed by Randi herself!), how could it possibly be serving the interests of the teachers? Yet it's not as if the teachers are scaredy-cats who are all too afraid to do anything. On the contrary, the teachers are much smarter and refuse to align themselves against their own interests. That's why they are not so willing to stand up right now.

We desperately need another way to unite ourselves. I am hoping Teachers Unite, under a larger umbrella than the UFT can ever hope for, will start the process.

Soulful Guilt of a Thief

2008-02-23T12:11:00.006-05:00

There's a Nicholas Kristof article in the Times about how disenfranchised our kids feel in the urban schools. It's depressing, but I really related to it, particularly the thoughts of a veteran middle school teacher:

"We are teaching testing, not knowledge. No one hears these kids, nor do we try. There is absolutely no respect for these students. These middle schools are like prisons where the spirits of our children are slowly crushed, and I have been an unwilling participant in the destruction of young lives. Simply being witness and not speaking out daily makes me feel the soulful guilt of a thief,” concluded the veteran teacher.

I have often told my husband I feel so guilty for participating in a system that is crushing many young people. I spend most of my days forced to (try) to control them -- not listen to them or even teach them anything that is truly important. Some people say you can feel in your veins whether you are a conduit of good or bad. Although I feel good about a few of the relationships I have with certain students and about certain things I'm doing in class, I truly feel that, overall, I am a part of something very bad at my current school.

Great Links

2008-02-23T12:01:00.003-05:00

I found some great links, some useful, some simply interesting:

Freeology - the BEST and most useful FREE graphic organizers I've ever found.

Bullies to Buddies - useful tips on dealing with bullying in the classroom. I don't agree with all of it, but it has shown me how I sometimes unwittingly contribute to the problem by automatically siding with the "victim". They teach you useful phrases to use to defuse situations quickly. For instance, if the child complains that someone called him/her a name, say, "Do you believe him/her?" (the child will either say No!, at which point you point out there's no problem, or they say "yes" and you ask them what the problem is if they agree with the other student. Done.) Also, if the child complains that someone hit them, you ask "Are you hurt?" and make the focus on whether the child is hurt or not, therefore discouraging interruptions of the lesson for silly stuff and encouraging them to handle the situation on their own.

Also, if you're interested in the election, there's a great post on the Daily Kos about Clinton and Obama's actual record in the Senate. What I found most interesting was when she pointed out how successful each bill has been.

A Blogger's Dilemma

2008-02-22T16:12:00.004-05:00

My apologies to my faithful readers for my long absence. It was around the same time last year that I got so overwhelmed with responsibilities at school and so exhausted at the same time that I needed to take a break from blogging.

This year, it is a slightly different situation. I certainly have been exhausted, and I have lost much of my positivity from the beginning of the year, but I have also been working hard on my "escape route" (that is, graduate school applications) and therefore my extra energy has been taken with that. As I have become increasingly disillusioned with what I can realistically achieve as a public schoolteacher, and at the same time come to understand in a new way the urgency of educational justice, I have realized that my interests and talents may lie elsewhere in this fight. I don't want to jinx anything, so I'll leave it at that, but I'll update you when the time comes.

The other reason I haven't been blogging is because every time I think of something that has happened at school (which is what I think readers really want to know about), I can't think of a good way to talk about it without really talking about it. And I don't want to breach my own anonymity for fear of reprisal at school, or break the confidentiality of my colleagues and students. Sometimes simply changing some names just won't do it. And the really interesting stuff is usually the stuff that people could lose their jobs over.

Thus I am left with a dilemma: do I dare discuss a topic, including all the gory details which will provide a clear picture for the reader, or do I water it down to the point that readers will have a hard time understanding its point?

Perhaps, in a way, blogging about my experiences in the schools will be easier when I am outside of them, when I won't have to fear for my job all the time.

Test Your Knowledge of the School Report Cards

2007-12-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

A professor at TC developed a little "test" of her own that highlights the ridiculousness of the NYC school report cards. From a purely statistical point of view, the report cards are invalid.

http://www.tc.columbia.edu/news/article.htm?id=6466

The "test" ends with a short answer question. A possible response:

Short Answer (extra credit): Since these school grades are: so expensive to produce; not based on many important aspects of what many educators and parents consider central aspects of schooling; do not take into account multiple measures of student progress and school quality; do not take into account standard statistical measures of error; and are based predominantly (in elementary and middle schools) on state tests not designed to be used to make year-to-year comparisons of student growth, why are these school grades being used by the Bloomberg/Klein administration?

I Got Tagged!

2007-12-26T21:04:00.001-05:00

I feel so special. I got "tagged" by my friend, JD2718. I don't know what it means, but it makes me feel like I get to sit at the popular table at lunch (this was my lifelong dream in high school). Is it a chain letter? Is it like "poking" on facebook or "winking" on match.com? I don't get it, but I have the vague feeling I should be doing it too.

Anyway, here are the rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
- Share 7 random and or weird things about yourself.
- Tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are my 7 random things about myself:
1. Ok, I admit it. My favorite non-literary novel is Bridget Jones' Diary. Actually, I think it's rather brilliant in the romance novel genre, and quite possibly "literary" but I generally keep those opinions to myself out of fear that someone will realize I'm a fake when it comes to teaching English.
2. I am a wine snob and refuse to drink white zinfindel. My new favorite wine is Chianti after visiting Tuscany last summer and I only buy DCOG-approved bottles.
3. I have barely pulled myself away from The Wire ("No corner left behind") to write this post. I've been watching it nonstop since I got season 4 for Christmas. Seems a lot like my school, only we have better kids (yet somehow we are more chaotic?!?).
4. I am in love with my car (although not the parking situation near my apartment).
5. I collect perfume bottles from around the world. (Ok, fine, there are only 2 in my collection so far, but I plan to expand as I travel more.)
6. When not blogging or watching The Wire, you can find me looking at real estate online (my new pastime to fill the void where wedding-planning used to be. My husband is not amused).
7. I was rejected from Teach for America when I expressed during the interview the not-so-popular view that you *might* not reach every single child, and a dose of realism may be in order to stay sane and stay teaching. Oops. (This was just the beginning of me opening my big mouth and suffering the consequences.)

And here are the 7 people I would like to tag: Reading Radically, my friend in real life who just started a blog; Pissed Off, a blog which starts off, "Never underestimate the power of a pissed off woman"; Prevent Teacher Abuse (not really a blog as much as a cool website, but still); Ednotesonline, a counter-movement to the UFT leadership and enlightening if you want to know more about politics within the union; Chaz (is this the same Chaz that used to post on Edwize?); Round Deux (a new one for me), and finally (great name) Under Assault: Teaching in NYC.

Sinking Ship

2007-12-18T10:30:00.000-05:00

I am tired. Really tired. I stayed home today for a "mental health" day. Despite all of my good intentions for this year, a clear desk, a reward system in place, parent phone calls, and organization systems, the thought of going to school right now overwhelms me. I am literally on the verge of tears everyday as I leave my house.

Last week, a well-respected longtime teacher was pushed to the ground by a student. As my readers know, the chaos and discipline issues have been mounting since the school was opened several years ago, and have reached a crisis point. Yet, even at recent staff meetings, the principal basically told us the issues that teachers brought up were due to our own poor classroom management.

How is it possible that all teachers at the school, despite some having years of satisfactory service and impeccable reputations, are poor classroom managers?

There is absolute chaos in the halls during passing periods. Troublemakers roam the halls during class. There have been fights almost daily for the past few weeks. The students do not respect even the AP's or the principal. Yes, some teachers manage to teach - despite the chaos - better than others, but no teacher is immune. It does not seem like there are any real consequences for student violations of the discipline code beyond what teachers can do -- phone calls home and detention, which at our school is a joke. Beyond that, sometimes students get suspended for 1 or 2 days (if the teacher is diligent about following up), but the consequences are haphazard, not followed through, and often unfair. I suspect that few incidents are being officially reported on ORS. Students cry out to the teachers to help them and "do something" about the rampant bullying, chaos, and disrespect, but our hands are tied. When the teachers are viewed as "doing nothing" to keep kids safe, our authority and their respect for us is greatly diminished, digging the hole even deeper. Some teachers have started to totally give up, some have or will quit, some are present in body, but not in spirit. I am truly afraid for what will happen if this continues.

Furthermore, the amount of coverages are outrageous, as more and more teachers (especially new ones) get sick from the stress. Last year, we had vacancies all year long, as 3 science teachers, a foreign language teacher, and a dean all came and went. Over 50% of last year's staff left -- transferred or left teaching altogether. This year, we have already lost 2 history teachers, and possibly a technology teacher (who has been out over a week now). The new teachers are already burned out. Yet, when the staff bring up the concerns, we are told that if we don't want coverages, we shouldn't get sick. It is insulting.

As it is, we have no secretary, no parent coordinator, and one dean, who also teaches classes and is totally overwhelmed. The other dean has been on military duty since the first week of school and was not replaced. One AP has now taken over teaching responsibilities for a teacher who quit. The other AP is often doing minor secretarial work in the office, since we have no secretary, so is also unavailable. Their hands are tied anyway, as much as they want to help us.

We have a mostly non-existent UFT chapter, thought it is marginally better than last year (read: we have had a couple of meetings this year, whereas last year we had none). Last year, I went to the UFT office with 3 other concerned teachers (those 3 have since left) and spoke with our district rep about situations at the school. She has been to the school and knows the extent of the problems, but so far, I have seen few results. Because the staff isn't unified, no one wants to reach out their neck on their own. The DR seems to throw up her hands and just tells us she can't do anything unless the teachers step forward. But, the teachers won't step forward unless there is a guarantee (or at least, a reasonable assurance) that something good will come of the risk (which in my experience, doesn't usually happen). It is maddening.

I have heard a rumor that the principal is "under investigation". But so far, nothing has been done, as far as I can tell. The principal seems to just clamp down harder on the staff; now she has started writing letters in the file.

How is it possible that, with an almost entirely new staff (the 50% that were replaced, plus all the new positions since we have grown since last year), new AP's, AND a new dean, that the SAME issues are happening from one year to the next -- but teachers are continually blamed?

At what point will the principal take some responsibility? At what point is it necessary for the principal's supervisors over at the Empowerment Zone to step in?

It's like there's a gaping hole in the bottom of the boat and teachers and staff are frantically scooping water over the edge with their bare hands in a futile attempt to counteract the water rushing through the bottom of the boat. When we cry out for help, the principal hands us a spoon - and then blames us for all the water pouring in!

Interesting Links

2007-12-02T20:53:00.000-05:00

I haven't had time to write an actual post on these, but here are some interesting links.

* All English teachers and spelling fanatics must watch this video on youtube! I have been following Taylor Mali, a spoken word artist, since his days on Def Poetry when he performed the inspiring "What Teachers Make". Now he's performed "The Impotence of Proofreading," which is absolutely hysterical. Warning: It is definitely rated "R" so don't watch with the kids around.

* Check out Dan Brown's column on the accuracy of the school report cards and the absurdity of labeling a school "persistently dangerous" just because it voluntarily reports 60 or more incidents in two years. Most schools, I'd say, have at least as many; most schools simply underreport.

* Mr. Moore's experience teaching in the South Bronx could literally be my day-to-day life! One of the last lines especially resonated with me. Of his fellow teachers, he says, "Sometimes we'll see each other doing the right thing, sometimes doing the thing that get us through the day."

* My husband is a game designer and sent me this article on a game design class for at-risk students. I wish there were more programs like it that captured the intrinsic motivation of our students. (Probably its success is partly due to its "optional" nature, however. Much harder to captivate young minds when they are forced to be there against their will!)

* More evidence that you can't fit a square peg into a circular hole: The NY Post reports that Klein's Leadership Academy is highly unsuccessful, with half of its graduates scoring a C, D, or F on their school report card, and a third not serving as a principal at all. When will they realize that a corporate model will never work in a field that is fundamentally a public service? (Note: not surprisingly, my dismal principal is from a similar program).

* "Rebel Voices" is an interesting play based on Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States." I am looking forward to seeing it in a couple of weeks and will try to write a review.

* And finally, I can't decide if John Taylor Gatto, who writes "The Underground History of the United States" has totally lost his mind from 30 years of teaching in the New York City public schools, or if he's hit on some truth so raw that it only seems radical but really isn't. It's starting to really make sense...or maybe I've just had a bad week?

My School Got a B... Huh?

2007-11-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

There has been much criticism over the school report cards that were released last week. Setting aside the ridiculousness of judging a school almost entirely on standardized test scores, and only one year's worth at that, many have criticized this new system for failing good schools. What about criticizing the bad schools that were passed? How on earth did my school get a B?

I guess it's not that surprising. My principal has managed to underreport almost all discipline issues. We haven't yet had a graduating class so that couldn't factor in. The school environment survey results were decent, though the survey didn't ask some important questions, like how well special education students and ELL's are being served. Nor did it ask much about order and discipline -- only "safety". And, I know many teachers who didn't fill out their survey because of the bar code which could have identified them. Well, my school is pretty safe for its neighborhood (in the most basic sense that they won't get killed or raped or anything), but that doesn't mean the teachers are able to teach over talkative and disruptive students.

Anyway. The biggest factor in our good report card grade -- test scores -- also makes sense. Only a select subset of students were allowed to take the Regents exams, so of course our scores were higher than in reality. In reality, only 1/3 of the students even took any given Regents last year! Did they factor this in at all?!?!

This all makes me wonder how political these report card grades are. These are just my cursory impressions, but I see that many, many of these new small schools (many are under the so-called Empowerment Zone) have A's and B's, while larger traditional high schools with good reputations got B's and C's. Klein said something to this effect in the Times article:

Mr. Bloomberg called the school system a “poster child” for urban school reform, and said the grades validated some of his major changes. He said that “empowerment schools,” whose principals had more freedom over decisions like what they teach and how they spend their money, earned more A’s than other schools.

It would be interesting to correlate how many of the new small schools are also Empowerment schools, which Bloomberg is touting as the cornerstone in his efforts to improve the system. Well, the new small schools simply don't have as much data to report yet, and from what I've seen have been highly adept at covering up information, while the larger high schools have been inundated with all the Special Ed and ELL kids. Of course their test scores will be lower! Is it just me, or does it seem like there's something really wrong with this picture, where Bloomberg is using his own report card grades to justify all his own reforms?

Either I have a skewed perspective of my own school and it's actually not that bad compared with its peers (to be honest, it is a terrifying thought that there are that there might be that many schools that are so much worse than mine), or there is quite a bit of inflation of numbers, twisting of data, and grade manipulation going on here to make some schools look better than others for various political reasons.

Where is the Accountability for Principals?

2007-11-18T09:12:00.000-05:00

Jonathan Kozol's advice to new teachers includes, "Try not to demonize your principal. Recognize that the principal is under the same sword of fear and anxiety that you've been under."

Is questioning the competence of a principal considered "demonizing"? I'm not saying my principal's motives are shady -- maybe they are, maybe not -- but it really doesn't matter. My principal's performance speaks for itself.

I'm really trying to keep an open mind and be forgiving and compassionate of the human being who serves as my principal. I understand that we must look at the context, the pressures, the system, that produces principals like mine. I understand that, just as a teacher might be a good or bad teacher depending on the situation they find themselves in, a principal may be good or bad depending on factors. The context and support available might enable them to sink or swim.

However, there's a point at which I can no longer give the benefit of the doubt, and I must simply ask:

With this new "empowerment" for principals (it is certainly NOT empowerment for teachers), where is the accountability? I have yet to see accountability! With this new "Gotcha!" task force to remove bad teachers, where is the task force to remove bad principals?

Kids' Emotional Needs Come First

2007-11-18T08:44:00.000-05:00

Things are getting tough at school. Morale is low. Exhaustion is high. I'm at the end of my rope with certain disruptive students. "Morris" is on medication and is either a complete terror without it, or a zombie on it. Turns out, I learned through the grapevine, Morris' medicine is a bit stronger than an ADHD medication like Ritalin (as we had assumed), but is in fact an anti-psychotic med. Great. Explains a lot. Poor kid really can't help it and his mother is in total denial. "Barbara's" mother, on the other hand, transferred her to another school when she got sick of the teachers calling all the time for Barbara's totally inappropriate behavior. Judging from how quickly she pulled the child from my school, it seems like there are bigger issues at home that the mother knows about and doesn't want brought to light. To be quite honest, though I care about Barbara (and Morris too) and want the best for her, unless my school can deal effectively with Barbara (and I doubt it can), it is better for the other students in the class that she is gone. This leaves me feeling guilty.

I wish there was a solution in which the DOE would place enough guidance counselors, social workers, psychologists, and special education teachers in the schools so that kids like these could actually get the support they need to succeed, and not just frustrate the teachers to the point where they just want to transfer them elsewhere. In the past, when I have referred kids to be evaluated for special education or counseling, it often takes months and months for the process to take effect. I hear under the "old system" there were school psychologists in the building who would meet with kids immediately, observe them in their environment, and get them immediate help! It's shameful how these important services have been cut so drastically. Who is monitoring this? Who has decided that this was a good budgetary decision? They should be ashamed.

Clearly students who are dealing with such issues cannot possibly be successful in school. This is Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Certainly these students won't produce those golden test scores for the city. If BloomKlein were smart, they would realize that adding enough support personnel in the schools to deal effectively with students' emotional needs would be a much better investment than any test-prep program.

It's frustrating that now the sole burden for helping these students is on the classroom teachers, many of whom are brand new, fresh out of college, and certainly not trained to deal with such extreme emotional issues. They are thrown into the classroom, and then expected to run the classroom like a tight ship and meet all the students' emotional needs. What ends up happening is that kids get shuffled around and never get the help they need and deserve. The rest of the kids in the class, who deal with Morris' and Barbara's behavior (sometimes emulating them, to their parents' and teachers' dismay), miss out on the quality of education they deserve since the teacher is constantly dealing with Morris and Barbara. And the teacher feels so frustrated and at her (or his) wit's end until she leaves the classroom for a more satisfying career where it is actually possible to help people succeed. It is not fair to put the students and the teachers in such an impossible situation and then blame them for not succeeding!

It's Hard Being Positive

2007-11-01T20:36:00.000-04:00

One of the new teachers looked up at me with such hopelessness in her eyes and asked, "It's going to get better, right?" And I said, "I'm sorry, but probably not. YOU will get better at dealing with it, but IT will probably not get better." I just couldn't bring myself to lie to her. I just don't think it helps anyone not to be truthful about what's happening here. My school is going to hell in a handbasket. We've had some very serious incidents -- students pushing teachers, major fights outside of school with police involved, major staff burnout -- and even the strongest teachers are having a tough time. People are still scared to speak up and unionize and even the assistant principals are demoralized.

You know, when I first started teaching, I never thought I would be the kind of teacher that would yell. And I find myself yelling -- a lot more than I want to. And I understand why teachers do it. It's when you get to that level of frustration and there are absolutely no other tools to use. The school is completely dysfunctional and I have no recourse. I am relying merely on the force of my personality and my meager influence over the students who want to please me. And when I get overwhelmed and the slow panic sets in (heart starts racing, muscles tense up), I admit it -- I resort to yelling.

Yelling is of course a really ineffective method of classroom management. Yet it is prevalent in my school. But I suppose when the teachers have no real authority granted to them by the administration, this is what happens. Our detention system is defunct, and nothing happens to children who skip it; consequences are doled out inconsistently and unfairly; teachers are told to call parents as if that was a consequence in itself and nothing happens when you can't reach a parent; students with severe emotional disabilities are never really dealt with, just simply tolerated. In short, we are failing not only our neediest kids, but all the kids around them who have to endure, day after day, the constant struggle between their teachers and the handful of extremely disruptive students.

One victory: I devised an incentive system for the hallway that all the teachers on my grade are using. I got a roll of tickets and give out several during each change of classes to the students who get in line right away, are quiet and orderly. They collect their tickets from their teachers and the top students are invited to a holiday-themed movie party every couple of months. I send home a nice "invitation" that served double-duty as a permission slip. It has dramatically improved the number of students who are quiet and orderly in the hallway!

Just because I am committed to telling the truth about the realities of teaching where I do doesn't mean I have to sink along with the ship. I know that my day goes better and I feel better about my teaching when I am centered; the only thing I can really control is myself. Ironically, when I do that, I teach better. So, I've really been trying to make an effort to do my pilates in the morning before I leave, eat healthier meals, get enough sleep, and not stress out about the pile of grading.

It's been getting harder to keep centered in the midst of the chaos, but I am definitely dealing better than last year. I think I'm OK for now, but I'm just not sure how I'll feel in March.

Looking Up?

2007-10-12T21:55:00.000-04:00

Two things happened this week that I never thought would at my school: we got a new copier and we had a UFT chapter meeting!

Things are looking up.

However, we have already had several very serious incidents that I'm sure have not been officially reported and we have lots of new struggling TFA and Fellows that are not getting support. We also have 12:1 kids who are in regular classes, ESL kids not being served at all, and kids who have mandated counseling who are not being seen regularly. All of which have contributed to our discipline issues.

This year we have 2/3 of the staff who are new to the school, so the principal can't possibly blame it all on the teachers this time, right?

I can't believe how many teachers think I have it together and are looking up to me as if I am the one to learn from after only 3 years of experience. Fake it 'til you make it, I guess.

We'll see. Anyway, in the meantime, I'm staying out of the teacher's lounge. I don't get any work done there anyway.

Positive Reinforcement Works

2007-09-30T07:42:00.000-04:00

Part of my renewed energy this year has come from a shift in my attitude towards my students. I realized over the summer how much I was bringing my tremendous anger into the classroom, at my students' expense. They, in turn, became angry too. Or, they were angry about situations in the school, brought that anger into my classroom, and instead of defusing it, I latched on and got angry back. It was one big anger cycle, and to be honest, I didn't even recognize what was happening at the time.

This year, I decided, I'm not going to constantly be angry about things that are not going to change. I know what to expect from the school and from my principal (which is to say, not much). My kids are not bad kids. Most of them are happy, smart, energetic students who want to learn despite enormous obstacles. Most of them are eager for the teachers in my school to make them feel good about themselves, restore order to the school, and provide a safe environment in which they can thrive.

I was thinking about just how great my kids are when it dawned on me how bad they must feel in my school with adults that, out of desperation to control their behavior yell, scream, and punish them. There are no outlets - the lunchroom is overcrowded, the basketball court is used as a parking lot for the teachers' cars, and the middle school students don't even have gym because the school is so crowded. I think this kind of desperate attempt to control through punishment comes from the leadership at my school that doesn't know what to do with unruly students. Admin tries to control through punishment, and doesn't even do it consistently or follow through. In turn, the teachers (many are new), desperate to control the students without being given the tools, the structures, or the authority to control the students any other way, also attempt to control through punishment. Students, in turn, become angry and lash back. Now, I wouldn't say that many of the adults insult or verbally abuse them, but overall, this is a very negative place, and I have participated in perpetuating that negativity.

I want to stop this negativity in my classroom. I want my classroom to be a place of refuge from the chaos, the place where they can go and express themselves freely through writing, escape through reading, and feel good about themselves for being such great kids.

The first step, I realized, in counteracting the "punish, punish, punish" mantra of the school, was to create a system of rewards. (Keep in mind, I work with middle school students this year -- I have no idea how this might be implemented in the high school.) I created "ELA dollars" and gave them a cutesy name. I printed them out, cut them up, and slapped stickers on them. I have been giving them out to students who exhibit excellent work or excellent character. I'm trying to mix up why and when I give them, telling students "you never know when I will give one to you, so you should always follow directions and try your best." I have given them for breaking their own record for writing in their journals, for getting so engrossed in their independent reading book they can't stop reading, for sharing an insightful thought, for helping out their fellow students. They save up their dollars and, every few weeks, can spend their dollars at the "store." The store is made up of tchotchkas from my local party store, special pencils, candy, and of course, homework passes. I have "deals" every time -- three pieces of candy for two "dollars", some item on "sale", etc. They can choose to spend, or save for next time.

Another element I've added are classroom jobs. I created a description for each job, an application they must fill out, and created a schedule (so the jobs are rotated weekly). Students get "paid" a "salary" in ELA "dollars", which they can later spend at the store. If they do a job really well, I give them a "bonus" and they have the potential to continue their job for a raise at a later date. I have never seen students clamor for jobs and compete with each other for being the most helpful! I have students offering to help me clean up, literally, all of the time.

It does seem rather carrot and stick, and before I started teaching I would have been adamantly opposed to this kind of system because of its potential to decrease intrinsic motivation. But I have to tell you, this really works! The kids behave in my class in a way they just don't with other teachers. I have a couple of kids with severe attention issues and emotional problems, but mostly, the kids are great for me. As a result, I'm always looking for the good things they're doing so I can reward them, which is such a change from always looking for the negative. We have FUN in class and even I'm enjoying it!

School Safety

2007-09-20T22:32:00.000-04:00

A city audit released this week found that schools across the city are underreporting violence.

Kind of like what happens in my school where students are told they're suspended for an incident that never makes it to the official report. The student is sent to an "alternative suspension site" (ie. my principal's buddy at a neighboring school), but never officially reported as a suspension.

Kind of like what happens in my school where students are never held accountable by the principal for pushing, kicking, grabbing, sexually harassing, running, jumping, cursing, throwing things, etc. because our suspension rate is "too high". So instead, they get yet another slap on the wrist and the parents are called for a meeting which may or may not actually happen (that's if we get a hold of the parents anyway... half the time the school doesn't have the correct phone number). The kids get away with murder while the teachers are getting written up for classroom management issues.

Kind of like what happened at Jamaica High school where teachers and deans were not allowed to call 911 directly (then they'd actually have to report an incident!) and a girl was left for 90 minutes after having a seizure because the deans couldn't find the principal to get approval to call 911. Now she's suing.

Random Thoughts

2007-09-14T07:50:00.001-04:00

Some random topics I have been meaning to post about and will hopefully someday get to:

the benefits of using computer games in teaching
reading the book, Ghetto Schooling
Jonathan Kozol's partial fast to reform NCLB and his new book Letters to a Young Teacher
more thoughts on the code-switching approach to teaching grammar
my thoughts on working in the new small schools (see Jonathan's post too), the 2006 study about them called "Small Schools Within An Urban High School: A Cautionary Tale", underreporting discipline issues, and the so-called Quality Review
the shortage of good principals (and principals in general) as the reason the higher-ups tolerate such incompetence among school leaders

Hopefully now that I'm taking back my time, I will actually write these posts!

Off to a Good Start

2007-09-14T07:21:00.000-04:00

I am making a concerted effort to take back MY time this year. I am getting enough sleep (well that's the goal anyway), doing pilates in the morning, and leaving school right at the end of the day. Whatever doesn't get done, waits until tomorrow. So far, this technique has made me much saner.

The only thing that I will allow to impede on my time is the necessity of calling parents. That I have to do in a timely manner. I have already called the houses of the students I expect to be a challenge this year the very *first* time they do anything remotely out of line and introduced myself in a friendly manner. All of the parents have been receptive. I think this is a very good sign.

I have also established clear procedures in my classroom. Homework packets are due once a week and here's where you turn it in. Sign out for the bathroom, please. Here's the bin for your journals. So-and-so is the classroom helper and will collect the journals. I don't know, but for some reason I guess I was never this clear before and it makes a huge difference.

I am taking a hint from "So You Want to Teach" and have been actively avoiding the teacher's lounge. Too many new hires are asking me questions about why so many left last year and why something seems "wrong" here... what do I say? Ack! I had too frank of a conversation the other day and got scared it would come back to bite me. Since then I have found a spot on the back staircase where I go to grade papers now. The other thing is that I get a lot more work done now that I'm by myself!

I am also decluttering my life. I only check my email once per day and my desk currently is absolutely clear of clutter except for the homework bin and a vase of flowers (fake of course, but they still make me happy).

Anyway, this year I want to write more about what I'm doing that WORKS instead of just griping about how bad the situation is. It's so easy to drown in negativity in the urban schools. I am actively trying to be positive and practical. I am also trying to focus on what's really important -- my students and how much I enjoy my time with them. I have younger kids now, and they have such great energy! I've had a great time in class lately and I think that is catching on. I want my classroom to be a safe haven for them in a school that I know is full of chaos. I guess we'll see as the year goes on how much is actually possible in a school like mine.

Too Angry to Leave

2007-07-28T10:46:00.001-04:00

I didn't get out in time. The open market closes on August 7th but I'm leaving town tomorrow for my wedding. I didn't have much luck; it didn't seem like principals were responding to the open market or my direct emails. I know a lot of the positions that are posted are either not real positions after all or have been filled and not taken off the system (I know because I interviewed for a couple of them already). I interviewed at several schools, but honestly, I think my ambivalence toward teaching in general has been coming through. I certainly don't have the energy I did when I first started teaching. When it comes down to it, I don't know if I really want to start over in another school, especially if I'm not sure it will be any better than the one I'm in now.

So, that left me with a choice: Either 1) go back, teach for another year, get my tenure, and figure out my next steps while I'm employed, or 2) leave teaching altogether, face the ramifications for my career, and be out of work for a while.

I called the union. They said if I leave, even for a month or two (I was thinking I might find a job in September), I will potentially lose my 2 years toward tenure and have to start over, because there is an "interruption of service." But if I stay for another year, I will get my tenure and have "tenure transfer rights" all across the state, which means I can reduce my probation if I want to teach in Long Island or Westchester someday. I'm not sure if I ever would do that, but it's nice to have the option and make these last two years worth something.

So, I thought about it. And thought about it, and thought about it, practically non-stop for the last week or so. What would it really be like to leave the profession I have my training in, the profession I thought I would stay in for my whole career, the profession I really do love (minus the politics)? What would it really be like to be unemployed for a while (potentially a long while) if I decide to change careers? It just didn't feel right.

And then I realized, I can't leave teaching yet... I'm too angry to leave!

What would I do with all that anger? Like it or not, I'm in this thing. Maybe if I knew what it was really like, I would never have started teaching or never have gone to the South Bronx to do it. But like it or not, that's what I did. And I can't forget my kids, and I can't forget how they're getting screwed.

Going back, I know will have a delicate political situation to contend with, since my principal got wind that I was looking to leave. I will have to make nice, keep a low profile, and watch my back. And I have to figure out a way to let things roll off and leave work at work. I cannot allow myself to be as unhappy as I was last year -- for my marriage, for my students, for my sanity. But maybe, just maybe, if I adjust my expectations and my attitude, it won't be so bad.

And so, God help me, I am going back.

How "Open" is the Open-Market?

2007-07-12T11:02:00.000-04:00

I have been job searching for months. Yes, maybe I could have been more aggressive, but until June 27th, I was focusing on getting through (plus I've been planning a wedding, which is considerably more fun!)

Anyway, first I couldn't even find out when the open market was to begin. It took a lot longer than last year! It was late-April before any positions were posted. And even then, there were only a few.

Okay, I said to myself. I'll pursue a few leads and check back periodically. After all, last year I received at least 10 emails from principals from the open market and went on at least as many interviews. No need to worry.

I received an invitation for an interview at (what I think) is a fabulous school at the end of May. Great! I can't believe my luck when they ask me to do a demo. I spent hours preparing and I think it goes well. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. I finally called a couple weeks later and they had filled the position.

Ok, no problem. Regroup. Lots of positions open up in the summer, I'm told. I contacted other leads. Positions have been filled. I went on the open market. The same positions that I know have been listed forever are still listed, including positions that I know for sure have been filled.

What's going on?

So I start emailing my resume directly. No response. I contacted even more friends about positions. But they've been filled, aren't hiring, or my friend can't recommend the school for the same problems that exist at my current one.

At this point, I feel like I've missed the boat! How is it possible that all the positions have been filled already? Conventional wisdom states that you get a job, any job, through people you know. I've exhausted those possibilities at this point. My options are return to my horrific school or roll the dice at another potentially less-horrific school. Or quit teaching. Great.

Maybe I'll just become a wedding planner instead.

Email Michael Moore about Urban Schools

2007-07-12T09:52:00.000-04:00

So I met Michael Moore and told him that his next film should be about the urban schools. I need your help in convincing him. Email your story to mike@michaelmoore.com.

Two weeks ago, my fiance and I went to an advance screening of "Sicko" where he discussed the movie afterwards. After it was over, we happened to catch Moore outside as he was leaving. Everyone else was running up to him for his autograph, but I just wanted to ask him a question: when he would be making a documentary of the urban schools? It's really about time. I told him that what has happened to the New Orleans public schools - the union-busting, blatant corporate interests, privatization, the cover-up and lies, the skewed test scores, the complete and utter mess that's NOT fixing anything - is happening in New York, Chicago, DC, Los Angeles, Philadephia. Something needs to be done! The kids deserve so much better than the mess they're getting while politicians and corporate CEOs experiment with their futures.

In Sicko, Moore argues that what's wrong with the United States healthcare system is that the insurance companies are putting profit over individual's needs, which when you think about it, is totally predictable. How could it be any other way when the bottom line is profit? In the film, a doctor in Europe explains that in his country, the doctors make more money by every person they get to quit smoking, by every successful surgery, etc. Basically, in Europe there is an incentive built in to provide the best medical care possible, as opposed to the US where there are disincentives for doctors to provide the best medical care.

I thought about that for a second. If health care, which should be about providing good health care for as many people as possible, can be twisted so perversely by corporate interests' drive for profit, causing many good people to make decisions they know in their heart are wrong, isn't the same thing true for the schools? Wouldn't it be true for any social program? We hear all the time that what BloomKlein and others are doing is using the "free market" to provide "healthy competition" and that eventually (no one can say how soon), the badly run schools will close and be replaced with good ones. But that simply won't be true as long as corporate interests are able to spin the story (and the test scores) to divert the heat long enough for them to make as much money as they can without providing any REAL education. After all, for real education to occur, they would have to have buy-in, and buy-in will never happen by mandate, anymore than democracy will happen by invasion.

I'm not saying there weren't problems in the schools that needed to be fixed before - certainly the old Board of Ed was corrupt and there were many aspects of the system that were incompetent. What I am saying is that in these major cities, the pendulum has completely swung to the other side -- from all the corruption that is possible in a purely socialist program, to all the corruption that can happen in a purely capitalist program.

And it doesn't seem like anyone is really talking about it in the media. All I read about is how great and promising and innovative these new schools are, when in reality, I'm looking around thinking, what schools are they talking about? I don't see any great schools here in the South Bronx! I hear about them in the paper, but I know of very few real-life people who are in a school they consider to be good. Not schools whose main constituents are people of color from low-income communities, that is (I talk to teachers from the suburbs, and even teachers from nicer neighborhoods in nyc, who say although there are problems, they love their schools). Mostly I hear from these inner-city teachers - new and old alike - they feel LIED TO, that all principals lie and cheat, that the system is set up to operate that way, and is setting us up and the kids too, that's how the system works, you're lucky to find a school where you don't get abused, that it's degrees of horrible, and don't expect it to be better, just accept the reality of the situation, or leave teaching like most do after a couple of years. I know I'm idealistic and I'm young, I've lived in a nice comfy bubble for most of my life, but this just burns me up! I refuse to be complacent about it.

Anyway, I didn't get a chance to say all of this to Moore, of course. I only had about 30 seconds to catch his attention. He said he would think about it and thanked me for the work I do. But I've been thinking about it and that's not good enough for me. He's just about the only person I can think of who can speak truth to power like this and I just have to find a way to convince him that HE'S THE ONLY MAN FOR THIS JOB!

So I have an idea. For Sicko, he said he chose to do this topic because of the overwhelming amount of emails that people sent him with their heart-wrenching stories. I think we -- teachers, students, parents, concerned citizens -- should do the same thing. I encourage you to email Michael Moore with your stories about all the lies, corruption, and scandals that happen in urban schools: mike@michaelmoore.com. When he sees how huge this is, I am convinced he will respond.

Just imagine if everyone wrote the truth! Imagine if Michael Moore exposed the massive corporate interests that are chipping away at the very foundation of our democracy -- our schools! Please, I implore you, email him with your story. Let's convince him to make this film before it's too late.

Marcel

2007-05-20T11:26:00.000-04:00

So I've tried all year to "reach" this one kid, "Marcel". He's very "street smart," but several grade levels behind in basic skills like reading and writing. He is a born leader and can be very charming, but those are the very qualities that can, and do, make him dangerous when his motives are far from pure.

I encouraged him a lot at the beginning, even calling home to praise him. But then he started to have very erratic behavior, often interrupting me, challenging me during a lesson, walking in and out of class whenever he felt like it, and has admitted to deliberately pushing my buttons just for the sake of it. On a reflection sheet during detention, he wrote in response to why did you break this rule, (I kid you not) "because I'm a thug". Rumored gang activity, drugs, alcohol, the whole nine yards. One day, during the lesson, he was staring off into space (I have long suspected drug use), he turned to me and said out of nowhere, "I think I'm ready to go to jail now".

In December-January, he started sexually harassing not only the girls in our school, but several female teachers, including me. We met with his father about it, and his behavior stopped for a while. Still, I tried to "reach him" through various methods, never wavering in my high expectations of him, but he perceives my attention as I am "picking on him", that I "don't understand him" or where he comes from because I'm white and "rich", that I'm racist.

Then he threatened me saying he would "do me dirty" (for asking him to take his seat so I could start class), and I got him suspended. (My readers know my administration -- it took a month, and he only got one day, but still, I pushed for it). Just as I expected, Marcel actually respects me more now that I'm refusing to make any "deals" with him.

My AP has says that he is a "criminal" and on his way to jail. Is this a low expectation? Or is it simply the truth? It's hard for me to say, because I wouldn't want to have "low expectations" for a student -- but the kid did threaten me, threatened another student to the point that the kid got a safety transfer, is a blatant bully, maybe in a gang, is constantly getting high before class, and his brother just went to jail. I want the best for the kid, but come on. How much can I really expect? Where is the human factor? The kid calls me racist at every chance he gets, sexually harasses me, threatens me, tells me he hates me, makes teaching my class virtually impossible sometimes -- and I'm supposed to bend over backward to show him how high his potential is?

When do I say, enough is enough?

A few weeks ago, I gave Marcel the book, We Beat the Street, which served as a truce after he returned from his suspension for threatening me. He was interested, and he thanked me, but to be honest, I haven't seen a real lasting improvement. I'm not even sure he finished reading the book. Because, after much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that he will not "buy in" to school and cooperate with his teachers until he has decided for himself what he wants -- a college education (or at least a high school diploma) or the thug life.

Is it my low expectation? Is it the low expectations of society? Of the AP? Or is it Marcel's own low expectations for himself? It's a very complicated question.

Is This Success, After All?

2007-05-20T10:36:00.000-04:00

We always read about teacher expectations, how low expectations perpetuate the achievement gap, how high expectations can inspire, how the problem with urban education is that teachers are not expecting enough, are lazy, racist, and so on and so on. Of course, it's kind of hard to tell if your own expectations are too high or too low or whatnot. I can only compare myself to my colleagues.

One colleague has very low expectations for our SETSS students, and largely ignores them. Mr. Social Studies is very teacher-directed, giving notes every day. Instruction is usually not scaffolded (but I have seen end-of-unit assessments that were differentiated). He just ignores any criticism of his teaching style, knowing that it works for him, and you know -- it does work, at least from the classroom management perspective. Maybe better than mine. At least he has kids quiet and not throwing paper balls across the room. (Granted, they don't do it as often in my class as they do in their other classes, but they never do in Mr. Social Studies' class). And it's probably because of his teacher-centered style, to be honest. When I give notes, the kids are better behaved. When we're doing group work, it can quickly degenerate into chaos, depending on the "energy" in the school that day, and how many "key" disruptive students are present.

Ms. Science, on the other hand, lets students blatantly plagiarize their science reports (but hey, it does look good on the bulletin board). I read a student's health report during 37.5 tutoring and asked if it was entirely off the internet. He said all the students do it, because Ms. Science doesn't notice or care. (But he added, he would never plagiarize for my class, of course, because I've given students 0s before). Isn't this a case of low expectations too? (The kids can't do real research, and it's too much trouble to teach them how, so let's just turn our heads to the fact that they're cutting and pasting from the internet.) But as much as I revile this laziness or perhaps lack of awareness on the part of Ms. Science, Ms. Science also doesn't take anything personally, like I do. (If students plagiarize, not her problem, it's no reflection of her at all). She has been teaching a long time and certainly doesn't go home crying every day, so maybe there's some small value in not caring so much.

I've been feeling very down on myself the last few months, because I just cannot figure out what's wrong. I try different approaches (maybe students are acting out because they need more/less of a certain activity?), I try more challenging work (maybe they're acting out because they're bored?), I try phone calls home (maybe their parents can persuade them?), I try detention (but what if they don't come? You know my admin won't do anything about it!), I try personal pleas and bargains, talks in the hallway, referrals to the social worker, and on and on.

Still, the paper balls, the talking during the lesson, and hitting and punching and running around the room and interruptions every time I *just* got the class quiet, and 20% homework completion rate, and on and on, no matter what I do, causing me to constantly feel like I'm on the verge of losing control, or a heart attack if my blood pressure doesn't decrease. (Yes, according to my doctor, I may have developed pre-hypertension as a result of the stress of this job.) And yes, I have actually had a couple of real breakdowns -- I have cried multiple times this year, usually after a fight in my classroom or shortly thereafter, and not just a few tears -- oh no, sobbing, gasping, noise-making total breakdowns in front of my entire class. I'm really at my wits' end. I didn't have this much trouble during my student teaching or during my entire first year of teaching, even considering Crazy Principal.

Anyway, I had the realization the other day that perhaps my classes haven't been a total failure, as I'd been feeling for the past few months. Maybe what I've been doing is success, here in the South Bronx:

None of my students have been seriously injured during my class
Several students have actually come to my class at times they don't have me, because they "don't feel safe" in the other rooms (conflict going on, coverage, etc) so on some level, they must feel safer with me than with other teachers
Some kind of work does get done every period they have with me (though sometimes certain students refuse to complete it, and quite often it's not as productive as it should be)
More students are reading at home and writing papers than at the beginning of the year, since I started a parent email list and now email reading schedules and major assignments
I have encountered less resistance to teaching grammar (some students actually ask to learn it!) since adopting my "code-switching" approach, though most students are far from mastery of any of the simple grammar rules I have been concentrating on all year
Most of my students have stopped using the n-word, both -er and -a endings, in my class, since we discussed it, and I have actually overheard students criticize other students for using it
Several students are now more critical of sexist remarks since we had a formal debate on sexism in The Autobiography of Malcolm X (now the task is to curb the horrendous homophobia that pervades)
Most students can write about Romeo and Juliet in a basic essay -- even if they have to refer to the movie
Several students have told me that I'm their "favorite teacher" and that they have learned something in my class this year (as opposed to other classes, where they've learned nothing)

I know many of my students could reach my high expectations, if the environment were different. Some of them would need more support from me, which I am currently unable to give due to the demands on my time. SETSS students would need modified assignments, which the SETSS teacher and I could do, if we had time to plan. But these expectations of my students just simply cannot happen when the culture of the school is haphazard, chaotic, disorganized, last minute, interrupt-the-lesson-whenever-you-want (both students and staff), and when the students see that they can do and say pretty much whatever they want, until (at seemingly random times), a teacher or administrator snaps and punishes them ("it's unfair because everybody does it -- you just don't like me" excuse). But there are some students who just simply cannot meet my expectations, and I don't know why.

Given this environment, it's hard to keep holding students to such high expectations, even if it's not their fault they can't meet them.

So I guess the question is, where are my expectations not being met? On the one hand, I feel like I have not been successful, because I know I could have done a much better job, and I even know exactly what I would have needed to do. On the other hand, I'm angry because I feel like I was set up to fail. I am not a robot without feelings, and I'm not superwoman. I cannot just work, work, work, endure endless verbal abuse from students, neglect from administration, and still have the energy to do the things I know I should have done. Most days, I just want to go home. And it wasn't because I'm not committed. It was because I was physically and emotionally exhausted. So, back to the first point, I feel somewhat successful in that I did some good work in the face of utter chaos.

But, if this is what "success" feels like, then I'm confused. On some level, my expectations must have been too high coming into this, because I am experiencing such disappointment now. Was I just not realistic about what goes on in some of these schools, so that now I'm not seeing how good of a job I am doing? Am I too hard on myself? Am I suffering from an overdose of idealism, only to burn out, like so many urban teachers? Or are my expectations for my students becoming too low, revealing my inner biases?

Have I been "played" for a fool?

2007-05-10T21:58:00.000-04:00

I want to begin this post by admitting that I am extremely burnt out and tired. I have been through an exhausting year (two years, actually) and am totally counting down the instructional days left (20, if you want to know). I am feeling really exhausted, and it has been a struggle to go to work everyday.

An update: Since I last posted, I felt compelled to press charges (a heart-wrenching decision, I might add) against a student who sexually harassed me, and borderline assaulted me. I did not feel confident that the school would protect me by officially suspending the student, based on past experience: A few months ago, a different student threatened me. I was told I should press charges, but didn't, and consequently, it took over a month for the principal to act -- and then, after significant pressure, she only suspended him for one day -- unofficially (this means, off the record. In other words, the principal told the student they were suspended, but never put it through the official system. I know this because the UFT looked into it for me).

This time, I was not going to risk it. I don't want to get into specifics for privacy reasons, but I did press charges, and the student who sexually assaulted me was suspended for 5 days (In my opinion, the minimum, according to the DOE discipline code). His parents now accuse me of being racist. White girl teacher in the South Bronx... I know they are just reaching for anything to excuse this boys' blantantly wrong behavior (he had been arrested several times just in the last year), but I'm still really annoyed. I went into teaching to fight racism, and to be accused of it is a total slap in the face!

Anyway... I was already discouraged and burnt out from this school, with the constant chaos and totally inept leadership, the seeming tolerance for bullsh*t and the supposed "checks and balances" of the School Quality Review (this is what is supposed to "rate" the Empowerment Schools, but ours was a waste of time since they found our school to be "proficient" based on a couple of staged interviews with parents and a carefully orchestrated half-day of classroom observations)... Now I'm totally checked out. I did not sign up to be abused and ignored, and then called a "racist" by those I'm supposed to be "helping", especially when my heart was totally in the right place. Is it too much to ask for basic human decency? And I'm not talking about the kid who sexually harassed me -- I'm talking about my administrator who totally ignored it, refused to meet with me that day (she was in the same interview for 2 hours), and then had the audacity to be upset when I pressed charges... the same administrator who, and as it turns out, has covered up a long list of discipline issues, leading up to the abhorrent situation my school now finds itself in, with students on the brink of revolt, and faculty calling every other day out of exhaustion (with of course, no substitutes... that would be too expensive).

Maybe I am naive... to think that I can single-handedly "save" kids through reading books... to think that I can counteract the systemic racism that these kids face... to think that the kids even slightly understand why I show up every day, when they seemingly assume that I'm just like every other adult they've ever known who quit on them...

And, realistically, I might. I have been dreaming about going back to academia, back to the bubble of idealism where I thrived, back to the theoretical world of ideals where my opinion mattered, and where I *maybe* could make a difference -- maybe not for these kids, but for someone. Where, at the very least, I could feel a sense of accomplishment for a job well done. This is more than I can say for mediocre-at-best teaching that I currently do, where bureaucracy and politics seem to take precedence, where the people who supposedly are there to "support" me only ever seem to impede my teaching, where there are constant hurdles on a daily basis which prevent me from doing a job I know I could do well, except for the incompetence of a relative few at the top.

Ok, end rant. I guess I'm just trying to express my severe dissatisfaction with teaching. I know I am in the population of teachers who, because of high idealism and high level of education, leave urban teaching the fastest. I guess I just never saw myself as a quitter. But in the words of my students, I certainly do not want to get "played". That's exactly how I feel. I've been "played" by a system that doesn't care a bit about me, that just wants to suck me in and spit me back out just as fast as I came.

Am I more of a "sucker" if I stay? Or if I go?

I really don't know anymore.