Being the brilliant and socially aware man that my father was, he not only foresaw the opportunity of making a great deal of money working on Wall Street, he started grooming me to take my stint as a banker, trader, or mergers and acqusitions laywer.

At 14, I was encouraged to read and ingest Forbes, Fortune and, of course, the bible of ultimate greed, the Wall Street Journal.

I never got a job on Wall Street (other than Starbuck's) and the thought of sitting at a desk working at a bank all day makes me want to set myself on fire.

The reality is that fear and greed go hand in hand.

I am sending you this brief note because once again you have pissed me off.

I could ask how you are doing but I don't really care. I know what you're doing because you are still here and refuse to leave even though you have taken so much from the world already. Like an unwanted guest who is stupid and clueless and overstayed their welcome, it is clearly time for you to go.

The time for bargining and fear-laden responses is now over.

I was angry that not only was HIV still around and attacking our community, it now seems that it has a focused target: young, black males. A while back I wrote four posts that detailed how I managed to both come of age sexually and avoid infection at what we all assumed was the height of this epidemic.

It never occurred to me that so many of our beautiful young brothers are still navigating this battle and losing it daily.

In my very limited and admittedly ignorant state of living, I foolishly assumed that with all of the information and free resources (condoms, lube, etc.) that nobody should still be getting infected.

This is the big mistake and faulty thinking that anybody beyond forty carries with them. Clearly having the information is not enough to stop the inordinate amount of infections.

It has often been said that knowledge is power. A very wise mentor of mine likes to say that it is the "application of knowledge" that gives us true power. I agree. I am often floored by the willingness we have for trusting people we have no business at all trusting. I've done it.

While one gentlemen (who was already infected) told me that we could not date or ever become seriously involved because he liked bareback sex, the other thought this was a good time to let me know why our eight year relationship didn't work out. Both of these men were beyond forty and you would think a helluva lot wiser.

I began to think about these very isolated but very connected events recently.

Bachelor number one wanted to engage in all types of reindeer games; he was only interested in unprotected sex. Being a student of gay male social behavior, I was completely friggin' shocked. Being dumped for being negative and wanting to stay that way was shocking.

What if it was give up the goods or sleep outside?

What if it was have unprotected sex or go hungry that night?

The battle lines had been drawn and we were threatened with death. My sister and I were seduced into referring to our favorite evening meal as pasta. We were now allowed to eat scones with cream on Sundays and croissants with dinner. Oh yes, it was the 80's and all the social climbing had finally paid off.

We had arrived.

We were now firmly entrenched in the Black Middle Class. The only problem was that nobody told me.

Warning! If somebody has to keep telling - and not showing - their politics there is trouble afoot. After the initial hiring, I was left to flounder because no one really knew the nature of my job or how to train me in the mastering of it. It was brutal. There was no way to measure my effectiveness because it was unclear as to what I was expected to do.

The folks who hired me were clueless in their expectations of me and being young and unschooled in the ways of on-the-job politics, I was unaware as to how to ask for clarity.

The white supervisors in charge - although trying to commit to diversity - had done very little work decolonizing their minds and therefore actions. At one point, I believe I even asked something along the lines of: "If we keep discussing dismantling the prevailing power structure (the constant quoting of bell hooks made me think we had a shot at doing just this) who are we planning on putting in charge when this happens?"

I was sacked within a day or two of asking the unspeakable.

"For us to have self esteem is truly an act of revolution and our revolution is long overdue" -- Margaret Cho

So much of my time has been spent learning to re-parent myself.

As a black intelligent gay man, I have spent years learning to hate and distrust my opinions and thoughts and almost as many years learning the opposite. In an effort to move our lives into ones of our own creation, nowhere do we get more tripped up and squashed than in the arena of feeling bad about ourselves/feeling unworthy (to dream and invent ourselves).

Much like being mired in the belief that things will not work out because they didn't before (creating our lives from the standpoint of disappointment) and the welcome distraction of relationships that allow and encourage confusing love with care, feeling bad about ourselves lets us off the hook and provides a wonderful set of excuses.

If I am depressed, too tired, too confused or too "whatever" then I can give up early and often.

Having witnessed several friends attempt and fail repeatedly at this endeavor, I am assuming either it doesn't work or my friends and I are a bunch of dopes.

Gay men learn early on how to sexualize absolutely everything.

When we are young and beautiful and unsullied, everyone is more than willing to sexually instruct the "newbie." Where is all eagerness when it comes time to mentor, teach, support, guide and encourage without the promise of a shared sexual experience?

I recently sat on a panel with some very striking and experienced young gay men.

Both of these men were in their 20's with similar experiences of interacting with older men. Apparently, once sexual interaction was taken out of the equation for whatever the reason, the older men had little to no interest in pursuing any type of relationship.

In other words, we're not gonna fuck so I am gonna move on.

It makes little sense to get shook up regarding this most basic of human needs and the thing that we all want the most. And yet, when it is stated, it becomes a thing of suspicion. My personal experience of this most elusive of human emotions is that it is not to be trusted. The thing that I have spent a lifetime seeking out causes me the most anxiety.

The reason behind this most troubling of contradictions is that I now understand the true meaning of love.

I know what is costs and what is required when someone says that they love you. As a teenager and then young adult, my concept of love and what it could do was completely screwed up. In my limited view, I thought love was the great equalizer, the thing that would save me.

Ironically, all of the folks who said they loved me were as confused about it (love and its application) as I was. This constant and welcome confusion occurred because so few of us understand the stark differences between love and care. Someone can care for you in a very deep sense and may even pledge and live up to a lifetime of partnership with you but never love you. I like to take my definition of love and what it is and what it is not from bell hooks (the thinking person's warrior):

Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment..."dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love - which is to transform us." Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.

Like many of our straight male counterparts, we often enter relationships with many severely limited and unproductive views regarding earning and managing money. More often than not, we equate a man's earnings and or earning potential with his character and ability to effectively contribute within a relationship.

Without a proper understanding of money that comes from understanding its limits and power, we limit our ability to effectively wield its power and utilize it to improve our lives.

The message was loud and clear and annoying: they don't work. I thought this was interesting and often wondered why people would make such assumptions. Then, of course, I grew up and started dating men and to some degree began to believe and conduct myself based on this odd and accepted view of men and their "nature."

Like our straight counterparts, gay men are seen as always horny, on the prowl and commitment adverse. While this may or may or may not be the truth when it is used as both a point of reference and a place to build a relationship from, it can have inane and very limiting results.

Yes, gay men can be highly sexual creatures.

This is simply my observations of myself, my friends and damn near thirty years of personal research. While this may be the way things get played out, there are instances where this doesn't occur.

What do you do when you have decided that you will have a full bodied, powerful relationship with another gay man and there will be no sex?

Period.

The first time I had peach yogurt, I was visiting a friend in a mental institution.

Chris was young, black, charming, and struggling with his sexuality. He was having trouble with life and ended up here. Within these walls, decisions were made for him and everything seemed quiet and orderly.

Chris was vocal, passionate, and funny.

In this environment, none of this was allowed or encouraged. I want to call attention to the need for constant and serious examination of the mental health industry and the need for men to seriously win the battle for mental health.

In the incredible, life-changing book, The Salt Eaters, there is much discussion around the need for healthy minds and the responsibility that goes along with it.

Recently, I read a post on my Facebook page that talked about gay male mental health. There was some back-and-forth discussion as to whether this was a black problem, a male problem, or a gay phenomenon.

It is a problem that doesn't discriminate.

I have not seen my family in two years. Fear hurts. Fear kills. Fear breeds stupidity disguised as safety.

As an out, proud black gay man, I am often asked to be less than my marvelous self. This can be addressed with a hearty fuck you. It is more challenging to tell an elderly family to get bent when they are in their 80's and preparing for that big send off.

My family neither knows nor understands me.

It seems easier to deny what I am. This allows a safe and comfortable distance. But what are they saving themselves from? HIV, embarrassment, humiliation, a proper revamping of their homes?

My father, at one point in our odd and strained relationship could only interact with me based on an obsession with making sure I stayed "healthy".

I always found this both touching and weird simultaneously.

As far as I can see, there is a great deal of confusion regarding how black and white men get along, partner up, and develop loving, committed non-exploitative relationships. What is this thing we call attraction? Is it learned? Is it cultivated? And can it be restructured?

I remember a friend of mine telling me that when he came out that he already knew the type of guy he found appealing - he already had a type.

I thought this was laughable because I was certainly not this astute. My attraction grew and changed, as I did the same. For a number of years, I was completely, undeniably unattracted to white guys. This explains the hearty guffaws I would muster whenever a white guy either wanted me to see him as a sex partner or thought I should worship at the throne of whiteness simply because.

After some years of failed relationships with my brothers, I made the decision to be treated well and no longer gave a shit what package it came in.

I was informed that I am stubborn. This came as a complete shock because normally I like to think that I am the embodiment of perfection. I love to believe that I am all the things good and decent and thoughtful and kind and delightful on the planet.

While this may be true - in my mind - it is apparently not everything that makes up the me that is me.

We often hear about weaknesses or working on things that we either don't like or that stop us from being all that we can be.

More often than not we visit a high priced life coach or talk with a cherished friend who can easily, readily, and repeatedly point out the things that trip us up, cause drama, and allow us to stay stuck.

Armed with this insight, brutal honesty, and of course a healthy dollop of commitment to truth telling regardless of the consequences, we tear into the beast that is our "shortcoming" and begin an assault which hopefully ends in much bloodshed.

We cry.

We cajole.

We bargain and cut deals.

Nothing seems to work - or it only works temporarily. Much like myself agreeing to be far more flexible (which I thought I was), it seems like a perfectly good idea and I can agree to get started straight away. The agreement lasts until there is something I fell very strongly about - and then it is back to familiar ways.