The Bilerico Project

The Electoral Dysfunction(ed) Show

Kate Clinton — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 14:30:00 -0500

It has been twenty years since that Year of the Woman thing. No one would ever tell who she was. And they announced it in late June, so it wasn't even a full year.

At only three months into the year, I propose we name this year The Year of the Woman Legislator (YOWL). I nominate four women for the formerly anonymous position of the Woman:

Nina Turner, Ohio State Senator, for introducing a bill that would require men to undergo psychological testing before acquiring drugs for erectile dysfunction (ED).

Janet Howell, Virginia State Senator, for a bill requiring a man to undergo a rectal exam and cardio stress testing to qualify for ED drugs.

Kelly Cassidy, Illinois State Representative, for a bill requiring men to view a video of the medical treatment of erections lasting more than four hours.

Yasmin Neal, Georgia State Representative, for a bill that would outlaw vasectomies, because to quote Monty Python, "Every sperm is sacred."

Each woman has said that the constituent reaction has been mostly positive and evenly divided between women and men.

The YOWL home office is soliciting your ideas for bills. We will forward them on to the appropriate legislator. Send to kateclinton.com. (Please nothing involving blood sport or references to bobbitizing.)

It's Half-Wit Time in America!

Kate Clinton — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

It's Half-Time in America! Let's bring to the field our half-time show!

It's not the Madonna. It's the Whore and her Marching Taliband led by that aspermative action majorette Rick "the P is silent" Sanctimoron. He's from Old Dominion.

Because of a dwindling supply of white people, the white wing of the Republican Party wants no sex education in schools, no choice for women and no contraceptives.

The Catholic Bishoprics have not a moral leg to stand on since the pedo scandal. Retired Cardinal Egan just said they did nothing wrong and he never should have apologized.

The Clothmen are trying to get the gov't to enforce the laws they cannot make their own parishioners follow.

And somehow they are the victims! Neat trick. Why not go hide in the catacombs again?

Since unfair is unfair, I suggest - no insurance coverage for St. Viagra; prescription drug counter clerks can refuse to fill Ciallis prescriptions; every woman gets a can of mace and a gun.

Just a reminder: the most reliable contraceptive is lesbianism.

What Should I Call My Super PAC?

Kate Clinton — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Used to be if you were a comic one of the guaran-dam-teed high-larious things you could do was run for president. Pat Paulsen, Lily Tomlin of the "Stop It Party" and Ron Paul have all done it.

Now, thanks to Stephen Colbert, you can't just run for president. No, now you have to have your own money belching anonymous Super PAC. And me? I'm still trying to figure how to get my Kindle Fire books out of the goddam cloud.

Sidebar: Never fire up your Kindle Fire lying in bed. It's like an over the bed porn mirror, not that I know anything about that, the point being, just don't.

But after doing the math on:

Mitt Romney's How Dare That Black Man Be President PAC
Rick Sanscrotum's No Man on Dog Sex PAC
Jon Huntsman's It's My Daddy's Money PAC
Chuckie Gingrich's I've Changed With Callista PAC
Rick Perry's I Walk Like This Because of My Penis PAC

I have decided to join them. I like Sarah Palin's business plan: take the money and don't run.

Continue reading "What Should I Call My Super PAC?"...

Debt Schmedt

Kate Clinton — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 15:00:00 -0500

One Saturday afternoon when I was maybe five or six, my Dad was reading the paper and I was watching some grim Dickens-ish movie on little our black and white GE console. A tattered, beaten down family was sent to a huge dark, foreboding end-of-the-line-for-you debtors prison. Under the big white wig, the judge who sent them resembled Newt Gingrich. It was an ineffably sad story.

As the credits rolled, I asked my Dad, "But how will they make money in prison? If they can't work, how will they ever pay their debts?" My Dad looked over his paper at me. Not like I was some junior Josephine Stiglitz. I don't think he said anything. I got what I think was a "you got that right" nod.

This Trumped-up maniacal, medieval drive to reduce deficits by enacting pound-of-flesh, down-to-the-bone austerity measures is creating a worldwide open-air debtor's prison. It is shameful and it is the poor who are shamed. The age old pre-occupation of punishing the poor for the extra vagrancies of the wealthy is ineffably sad and infuriating. I can't read Paul Krugman if there are sharp knives present.

The cruel collective debt guilt trip is so chickenshit. If I were in charge I would act boldly. I would declare the collective hunch of the debt crisis over, print more money right now and double down my bets on education, invention, infrastructure, healthcare and peace. Jobs would come.

Basta, no mas, enough! And viva Elizabeth Warren!

Et Cum Spirit Two Two Oh

Kate Clinton — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:00:00 -0500

Last Saturday night, the smell of overheating lamination machines wafted from Catholic Church basements in the US, Canada, UK and India. The next morning, parishioners lucky enough to attend churches not downsized by pedophilia payouts, consulted freshly plasticized pew cards for the new wording of their Mass.

Rome had ordered up the change in a move some (me) interpreted as intentionally distracting from larger scandals. Instead of the familiar version of the 1973 Missal, the Clothmen had mandated language that carefully followed every word of the original Latin text and syntax. Earlier translations had been guided by a more flexible, accessible "dynamic equivalence". Rome heard "sin tax" and errant dangling modifiers.

The Catholic Church had last rebooted in the 1970s after Vatican II. Priests known only by the backs of their heads, shadowed faces or felonies turned around and faced the people. They spoke in English, though sermons in my church, Our Lady of Psychological Warfare, sounded as if they had been translated directly from the Latin with the end of sentences saved for all the verbs. And the whole rite was set to a hootenanny guitar beat. When I finally understood what was being said, like many others, I left.

I have been lapsed a while and some claim my right to complain has expired. But I am still a recovering Catholic. I still see and feel the deleterious effects on LGBT people of the Church's virulently unchristian preaching about the abomination of homosexuality. I feel quite comfortable giving some feedback.

Continue reading "Et Cum Spirit Two Two Oh"...

Rapier Wit

Kate Clinton — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 09:00:00 -0500

From Occupy Wall Street and Herman Cain to female comedians and Pedro Almodovar, I'm pissed.

World Serious

Kate Clinton — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 14:00:00 -0500

I've had a major recurrence of my Bush Tourette Syndrome*. At its peak, it was debilitating. Once when I was screaming at then somehow President George Bush on TV, a friend's three-year-old, terrified by my outburst and very very bad language, pleaded softly, "Please use your inside voice."

My doctors had warned me of a recurrence.

Nevertheless I am shocked by its virulence. It has been flaring up during the World Series, this year between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers. Perhaps my system is predisposed to relapse by the disoriented realization that neither team is the Yankees.

Both teams are young, scrappy, never-say-die and fun to watch. It's not that.

It starts whenever the camera flashes on a Texas Ranger warming up in the on-deck circle. Over his right shoulder, slightly obscured by fencing, I spot a catatonically still Laura Bush with a twitching George next to her. Once after some nifty Ranger play the camera caught Bush smirkily high-fiving Ranger owner, Nolan Ryan.

Uncontrollable screaming seized me, veins popping out my neck, spittle hitting the flat screen.

Spitting is a big part of baseball but since this is a family website, I won't give you my rant's full rendition. Here is the gist: Why is George Bush having such a swell life for himself? Why is he not in jail?

*In using the descriptive "Bush" I mean no insult to anyone with Tourette syndrome.

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Who's Sorry Now?

Kate Clinton — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 17:00:00 -0500

When some guesthouses in our little resort town have no room left at the inn, instead of hanging a tasteful "No Vacancy" sign, they hang a "Sorry" sign. Sometimes the 'sorry' is in quotation marks.

Are they not really sorry? Are they being ironic? What is the translation for this hospitality term of art? "Sorry you thought you were going to step off the ferry, roll your dear little bag up to our door and get a room." "Sorry you thought we would be keeping the light on for you. "Yeah right - you with your three night stay and parking needs."

Perhaps I'm a little sensitive since being downgraded. And they can say 'downgraded' all they want but personally I feel degraded like some shoddy product. That S&P thing was like one big 'he's-just-not-that-into-you.' And just when I thought I was done with shame.

Continue reading "Who's Sorry Now?"...

The Patriarchy Is So Dada

Kate Clinton — Wed, 18 May 2011 08:30:00 -0500

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, he of the Madoff mane, alleged rapist and head of the International Monetary Fund - talk about branding! - is not too big to jail. Tant pis.

Wait, wait, there's more.

Arnold reveals he fathered a child ten years ago with a member of his household staff. Charlie Sheen is devastated to be replaced by Ashton Kutcher. Aww.

ABC of course picked up Tim Allen's sitcom "Last Man Standing" about how hard it is to be a man [the straight and white is understood] in this crazy modern world.

Men are feeling vulnerable and assaulted.

Continue reading "The Patriarchy Is So Dada"...

Sadness Ambush

Kate Clinton — Tue, 10 May 2011 08:00:00 -0500

Royal Pain

Kate Clinton — Tue, 03 May 2011 08:00:00 -0500

Today's Trump This Racist Award Goes to...

Kate Clinton — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 13:00:00 -0500

Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma or Mars, who said on the floor of the Oklahoma house:

We have a high percentage of blacks in prison, and that's tragic, but are they in prison just because they are black or because they don't want to study as hard in school? I've taught school, and I saw a lot of people of color who didn't study hard because they said the government would take care of them.

She has apologized. Saying the usual "I'm sorry you found that offensive."

The award is carved out of suet and is quite pleased with itself.

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House of Wind, Sir

Kate Clinton — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:30:00 -0500

The King's Speech was the royal carpet-bombing to get subjects in the mood for the big same-old-sex nuptials between the prince and a commoner. A very wealthy commoner, but common nonetheless. The movie didn't do that for me, but my Irish heritage sometimes gets in the way of full-throated appreciation of English royalty.

The Royals' timing couldn't be worse. The big April 29th royal wedding is overshadowing the Papals' big May 1st Vatican happening. Is there no WE-Calendar syncing between the monarchy and the paparchy?

On May 1st Pope Bennythedict is fixing to preside over the beatification of Pope John Paul. Not to be confused with beautification: that's wild flowers, highway medians, Lady Bird Johnson. That's prettification. Beatification is putting Pope John Paul on the fast track to sainthood. Faster than Mother Teresa!

It was a promise then-Cardinal Ratzinger made shortly after the white smoke puffed out of the papal chimney and was certified not to be from Italian correspondent Sylvia Poggioli's cigarette.

Pope B might actually be grateful for the scheduling conflict. To be beatified, if I'm reading the beati-regs correctly, a saint-to-be must have performed a miracle. With all the international tsuris the church is having, Pope John's miracle of making the pedophilia scandal disappear might not be something to be beatified. (img src)

Day of Silence

Kate Clinton — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 08:00:00 -0500

Day of Silence, and where is our tax money going?

Social Notworking

Kate Clinton — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 08:00:00 -0500

White guys seem to own social media! Where are we, girls?