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Fail Friday: Sorostitute

Ten real TSM submissions and one video that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Completed shacking at each frat house and earned major panhellinic points. TSM.–Alabama Do they put that in the recruitment brochure? Thanking each person who posts happy birthday on your Facebook wall individually. TSM.–Anonymous Sounds like you...

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FAIL FRIDAY: Abusing The Elderly

Ten real submissions, ten photos, and three videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Double-teaming the “help” with my dad while we are both wearing matching bow ties and making the pledges video it while doing bows ‘n toes. Then reporting the “help” to immigration for not getting us...

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Things That Will Probably Happen in Your Closed Fraternity House This Summer

The fraternity house may be closed, but that doesn’t mean people don’t have access to it.

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You want me to live WHERE?

It’s that time of year. You may have somehow turned into a graduate student, or you may have (more likely) been ejected into this so-called “real world.” Not all of us get access to our trust funds early enough to buy a decent place out of college. Either way, this is going to be the...

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25 More Things Fraternity Guys Should Know About Sorority Girls

A short while back, we published 50 Things Fraternity Guys Should Know About Sorority Girls. But the more guys I meet and interact with, the more it seems that the poor male species could really benefit from even more painfully explicit instructions on how to stop being completely idiotic. It seems, ladies, that we’re doomed...

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College Football State of the Union

College football is a hair over three strenuous months away. We have no choice but endure these dog days of football-less summer. The next best thing to watching it, however, is discussing it. In that respect, the summer of 2012 has blessed us. First, let’s rewind two years ago. In the summer of 2010, college...

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Memorial Day Weekend at Hedonism II

This week’s Throwback Thursday comes from Hedonism II in Jamaica. Keep it in mind when you think you’re partying at a level appropriate for Memorial Day Weekend. Remember, this guy is out there somewhere and he’s probably going harder than you. As my buddy Aaron says, “The crab-walk-pussy-fingers is not a move that is pulled...

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The Benefits and Dangers of a Rebound

Breakups are terrifying to me. I absolutely hate seeing one of my sisters depressed after being dumped by her current dream guy. I get to a point where I feel helpless to the recovery cause when all she’ll do is lie on the couch in the informal living room, watching The Notebook on repeat and...

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Famous Bitches in History: Adolf Hitler

Gather ‘round children. I’m drunk as piss and it’s time to tell some campfire stories around the keg. Don’t believe any of that liberal bullshit that you learned in school from your communist professors. I’m here to tell you the truth as it is, with no censor other than alcohol. No need to get bogged...

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High School Fratstar’s Semester Wrapup: The Final Countdown

In case you missed the first segment in the High School Fratstar saga, check it out here It’s been a long semester full of Bud Light slim can shotgunning, college town touring and general High School Frat insanity, but I’m back mother fruckers ready to give a report from my final semester living the THSFM...

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The Cons of Cougar Hunting

You notice her out of the corner of your eye as you guzzle down your 14th whiskey ginger. You immediately perform a double take, confused as to why a woman over 30 would spend her precious middle aged time at your favorite college town bar. Then it hits you. My friend, you have stumbled upon...

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Don’t Bash My Home

With the 2012 presidential election coming up, there has been an incredible amount of mudslinging from both sides of the American political spectrum. The Democrats have been coming up with clever ways to label forcing a redistribution of wealth, and have an unorganized and currently irrelevant occupy movement that has yet to inspire anyone to...

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Fail Friday: Shacking with the American Dream

Ten real TSM submissions, and one video that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Saying goodbye to my graduating fuck buddies…one fuck at a time. TSM.–New Jersey There go all the fucks you gave. Literally. Throwing up on your date at formal and still being hot enough for to sleep...

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America: Big Swinging Dick of the World, Part 4

America is the greatest country on Earth for many reasons. Democracy, freedom, Fun Dip, The Super Bowl, etc, and inventing the word etcetera (and the subsequent abbreviation) so that you don’t have keep listing things when you don’t fucking feel like it. Boom. Advantage America. But ultimately our greatness comes down to the fact that...

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FAIL FRIDAY: Sex With Sandwiches

Ten real submissions, ten photos, and two videos that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. GDI in front of me in line was taking too long to order so I offered to pay for him, invited him to sit with me, and got to know him. I then preceded to...

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How to Visit Campus as an Alum

If you’ve graduated, you’ve been there, and if not, it’s something to look forward to/not look forward to/have mixed feelings towards: visiting your college campus as an alumna. Before we graduate, we convince ourselves that it’ll be exactly the same to make ourselves feel better. Deep down, we know this isn’t the case. I recently...

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Rules of Attraction: Man or Mystery

I’ve been noticing lately this weird phenomenon that occurs. About “feelings” – my least favorite thing. I’m absolutely bizarre…or I might be part man, internally. Not in the way like…I have nads or something, I just…the idea of romance really turns me off, and I hate relationships. Some say I’m bitter. Maybe I am. Not...

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5 People I’d Allow to Punch Me in the Face

Whether it’s not paying dues on time or starting fights at the bar that other people have to fight for me, I’ve done a lot of things that warrant a nice left hook to the face. If this ever happens, which may not since I’m shitty and somehow get out of bad situations, then I’d...

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12* Ways to Photoshop a Vagina Out of a Picture

When we received this picture this morning I was told to Photoshop out the young sorority woman’s private parts so that we could put the picture up on the website. I did as I was told, cropped our trademark sailboat, and went about my business. But then I got to thinking, there HAD to be...

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Summer Break, the Prolonged Weekend

As another semester of this four year-party we call “college” wraps up, it’s time to kick back, relax, and welcome the paradise known as summer. Summer is life’s way of rewarding you for the minimal effort you put into achieving mediocre grades this past year. It’s a break from the everyday drudgery of waking up...

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5 People I’d Like to Punch in the Face

We all have those people in our lives who we’d just like to punch in the face for one reason or another, and with zero repercussions – no legal trouble, no retaliation. Nothing. Without further ado, here are the first five that come to mind: Bill Maher Bill Maher basically represents everything I don’t. He’s...

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5 Types of Blackout Drunks

Most college students have gotten blackout drunk before. The night starts with a few beers at the apartment, progresses with a few shots before heading to the bars, and sometime between the 11th whiskey ginger and screaming “WAGON WHEEL” at the douchebag who keeps blaring thrash metal on the jukebox, everything goes…well…black. However, what the...

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9 Graphs Describing Fraternity Life

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Honor Your Graduation

So it is graduation time, good for you. I have to be honest, graduation scared the hell out of me when my time was approaching. I was thinking back to those days and thought “what would I tell myself ten years later?” “What advice would I share?” Those questions really got me thinking. So here’s...

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Don’t Take Your Subleasing Decisions Lightly

Spending the summer in your college town is fun. Even if you decide to take summer classes (which you totally should because they’re way easier and the professors barely give a shit) most of your time will be spent doing fun things. Your days will be filled with drinking and your nights… well, also drinking....

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My Ten All Time Favorite Celeb Couples

Recently, I got a phone call from one of my sisters that changed my life: she’s engaged, I’m a bridesmaid, we’re old, I’ve committed to a day that isn’t entirely about me, etc. I’m absolutely thrilled for her, and I’m really hoping our bridesmaid dresses aren’t too embarrassing. I don’t know her fiance as well...

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Eli Manning Hosting Saturday Night Live

Opening Monologue Motion Capture Text Message Evidence Little Brothers Herb Welch: Occupy Movement What Is This? TCM Comedy: Cheech and Chong

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30 Things I Learned While Pledging

1. Hearing the same song over and over again is the best way to drive someone insane. 2. Being cocky will get you some places in life, but it will never make you a Brother. 3. I’ll never be able to comfortably wear a white t-shirt and khaki shorts again, repressed memories. 4. Your pledge...

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How to Raise a Rage Baby

It seems like everyday I hear about another one of my dumb slut high school girlfriends who had a baby. When these hookers get pregnant I never really know if I should congratulate them or offer my sincerest apologies. When the baby is a terrible mistake, most people’s first reaction is “Aww, that sucks for...

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TSM Fail Friday: Unhappy Mother’s Day

Ten real TSM submissions and one video that didn’t seem quite right. Names were omitted to protect the guilty. Fratdaddy said over the next two weeks whoever gave the best blowie would go to formal with him. I obvs won. TSM.–California You willingly submitted yourself to a blow job contest? Like you were just like…oh,...

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