T | G | 10

In case you've stumbled here

2008-06-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog up for your enjoyment, so head on over:

http://eligieryna.com

I'll leave everything up here for the sake of nostalgia, but anything new will be posted on my brand-spanking-new site. Wordpress is so great.

Any concert, anywhere (a one-act play)

2008-06-13T08:16:00.000-07:00

Cast of characters

Guy in plaid shirt #1

Guy in plaid shirt #2

Guy in plaid shirt #3

Guy in plaid shirt #4

Fat girl in black skirt

Apathetic Asian hipster

Creepy fan girl

Fan of the opening act

Normal person

Friend

Narrator (preferably voiced by Will Arnett)

Narrator: It's a Thursday night. We look over the floor of a local theater, as 1,700 fans await the arrival of that night's main act, The Red Sense Doorway. It has been 15 minutes since the opening band, Memory and the Burning, left the stage. The excitement builds and a buzz is starting to build above the crowd.

Guy in plaid shirt #2: [begins stomping feet as best he can, despite being pressed firmly against the stage by the milling crowd behind him]

Guy in plaid shirt #1: I'm so glad we got here early and are in the front row!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: I know! We're so close!

Guy in plaid shirt #3: I LOVE this band. Red Sense!

Guy in plaid shirt #2: [raises both arms above head] RED SENSE! RED SENSE! RED SENSE!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: Yeah! RED SENSE!

Narrator: The four plaid-shirted boys in the front row begin chanting part of the band's name in unison, in an effort to get the crowd excited. After 20 awkward seconds, the movement fails.

Fat girl in black skirt: [holding a mixed drink in a plastic cup and carrying a messenger bag over her shoulder, she pushes through the crowd of people to the third row, standing directly in front of someone who has been waiting for 90 minutes]

Normal person: Hey, excuse me, I've been waiting here for a long time, and I can't see over you.

Fat girl in black skirt: [whirls to face the normal person] Listen here, frat boy. I don't have to answer to you. I did not buy my tickets three months in advance to come here and take orders from some pretty boy wearing a polo shirt.

Normal person: Um, OK.

Fat girl in black skirt: [begins texting on her cell phone; Normal Person sees she is sending a message that says, "am in third row, right center, you can all come up here!"]

Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]

Guy in plaid shirt #2: This is so freakin' awesome! We're here!

Guy in plaid shirt #1: I know! In the front row!

Guy in plaid shirt #3: [puts his arms around #1 and #2] This is a great moment, fellas. This is fun! We're here, in this moment!

Guy in plaid shirt #4: It's like Garden State!

Guy in plaid shirt #5: [wipes shaggy hair away from his eyes] I love Natalie Portman.

Guy in plaid shirt #1: Seriously, her character in that movie would be the perfect girlfriend.

Narrator: The lights go dark. The crowd. It screams.

Guy in plaid shirt #3: OH MY GOD!

Narrator: Four men slowly wander onto the stage. The singer, a skinny 30-something man has dark hair, probably cut with a razor, that intrudes over the top half of his face. He is clearly disaffected by most everything happening around him.

Fat girl in black skirt: Jason! Jason! Ahhhhh!

Apathetic Asian hipster: [shoves hands deep in pockets; stares.]

Narrator: The band launches into "Ineffectual Meaning," the the first song from their new album. A deep, rumbling bass tensely builds atmosphere and the drummer pounds an ironically syncopated rhythm. The guitarist, his Les Paul slung low, slams his fist into an enormous E-minor power chord as the singer belts the opening lyrics.

Guy in plaid shirt #5: Oh my God! This is awesome!

Guy in plaid shirt #1: [takes lens cap off his SLR camera and begins taking, like, a billion pictures of the lead singer, presumably for a Facebook album that will be entitled, "Secretly Famous: Move, Shake, Move."]

Guy in plaid shirt #3: Whoooooooooooooooooo!

Fan of the opening band: [leaves]

Fat girl in black skirt: [notices her seven fat friends pushing their way through the crowd] Guys! Guys! Over here!

Narrator: Seven fat people push their way in front of those who have been standing for hours. Some of them groan in protest. But in the end, they do nothing. The plaid-shirted boys jump and shake the fists proudly at the stage for two hours, displaying their fervent public love for the band. The apathetic Asian hipster continues to stare. The fan of the opening band grabs a thickburger from Hardees on his way home.

It's any concert, anywhere.

Who knew?

2007-05-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

ESPN ran two stories today about NFL wide receivers.

1. Terrell Owens gave a wide-ranging interview that was basically about nothing. He said he didn't like Bill Parcells, he's glad he's gone, and that maybe it was good for them to lose in the playoffs when they did, because if they had gone further, they may not have a new coach. He also thinks he is portrayed unfairly in the media. The article then re-hashed the same old T.O. stories we've heard for the past year. Word count: 758 words, including a breakout quote and extra video footage.

2. Braylon Edwards is donating $1 million of his own money to start a scholarship foundation for students within the city of Cleveland. It requires students to maintain a 2.5 GPA and perform 15 hours of community service each year. The program will include mentoring and tutoring for each student. This comes on the heels of Edwards' decision last year to donate $500,000 to the University of Michigan to help fund scholarships for football players. Word count: 128 words and a head shot of Edwards.

Playing fare

2007-05-14T13:02:00.000-07:00

I was browsing ESPN.com and just happened to catch this caption. Who allows this to happen at the Worldwide Leader?

What team are you on, again?

2007-05-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

I put up the photo of Ben Wallace in a Pistons jersey because I don't want to look at him in a Bulls jersey anymore. Before last night's awful loss to the Pistons, Wallace arrived late to the United Center.

In a game that was described by everyone in Chicago (and elsewhere) as the Biggest Game of the Year for the Bulls, the captain of the team, the $60 million man, showed up late and offered an immediate distraction for the Bulls. And afterwards, he was anything but contrite about it when talking to the press.

"I don't care what people say. Go do what you do. I mean, I ain't got to explain myself to nobody. I'm not about to sit here and try to explain myself. That's the last thing I'm going to try to do."

The first thing he could try to do is play some better basketball. Aside from the amazing inarticulateness of his statement, I'm struck by his unbelievable attitude. What does he mean he doesn't have to explain himself to anyone? When you're the supposed veteran leader of the team, and you're making the most money of anyone on the team, you can show up on time for games. It's not hard. And if you make the mistake of being alte, at least pretend to be apologetic about it.

But he wasn't sorry. In fact, after the game (which saw the Bulls choke away a 19-point lead and get booed off their home floor) Wallace was seen in the tunnels hanging out with his former Pistons teammates, laughing and hugging and chatting it up. It's an obvious slap in the face to his teammates who has just lost a really tough game, and I'd be none too happy if I were in the Bulls locker room.

So what we're left with here is a 32-year old, 6-foot-9 center who has declining skills, a terrible attitude and probably still wishes he played for the Bulls' biggest rival. And he has three years left on a huge contract. Next year will probably be bad enough, but I have no idea if Wallace will be able to guard anyone or even get off the floor to grab a rebound by 2010. I don't even know if he'll want to. And if he doesn't want to exert any effort on the floor, who can make him try? Because he ain't got to explain himself to nobody. Which is probably OK, because no one can understand a damn word that comes out of his mouth anyway.

The Bulls are, partly because of Wallace's albatross contract, in a really tough spot for the next few years. John Paxson has constructed a very solid team -- but it's obviously a very flawed team, and that's been exposed by the Pistons. The Bulls rely totally on jump shots, the guards are too small and they have a hard time holding on to leads late in ballgames. The team is left with a core of Hinrich, Gordon, Deng and some other players, which is nice, but I'm not sure the Bulls can keep relying on internal improvements in order to win a championship.

As young as the team is, the window is going to be closing in the next year or two. And that's why I think Paxson needs to be making a move this summer to shake up the team a little bit. Some of that will depend on where the Knicks' lottery pick ends up, but I also don't think they can afford to be content with what they have. This series has made it very clear that what the Bulls have -- right now -- just isn't good enough.

Goodbye Jim and Pam; hello Jen and Tom!

2007-05-02T12:01:00.000-07:00

CBS To Release Own Version Of NBC's The Office

NEW YORK— "We changed some language and cultural references to things our audience would understand," said producers, disputing the notion that the show could only work on NBC.

I swear, it's not what it looks like

2007-05-01T07:37:00.000-07:00

After one month, things looks crappy for the Cubs. They sit at 10-14 and are tied for last place in the division, 5.5 back of the Brewers. Carlos Zambrano has only had two good starts all year. Alfonso Soriano has driven in one run. The entire Cubs outfield has hit two home runs all year. The team finished April with an 0-6 record in one-run ballgames.

Wait.

That last stat. The 0-6 in one-run games part. That's a good thing. Really, I swear.

It's something that's always criticized by fans as a measure of several things (usually "clutch" or a team's bullpen) and used as a big measuring stick. They are right that it's a big measuring stick. It measures luck.

And that's why things aren't as bad as they look for the Cubs. History has shown that teams are likely to finish right around .500 in one-run ballgames -- the variables are so close that it just comes down to random chance. So far this year, the Cubs have had awful luck. If they had gone just 3-3 (the normal distribution) in those games, they'd have a 13-11 record. And there wouldn't be nearly as much panic in Chicago.

Another reason for optimism is the difference between runs scored and runs allowed. All a team can do is try to score as many runs as possible and allow as few as possible; how those are distributed across different ballgames is generally a matter of chance. The first-place Brewers have outscored their opponents by just three runs on the season. The Cubs have outscored their opponents by 21 runs. That's a pretty big statistical difference. In fact, the only teams in baseball that have a larger run differential are the Red Sox, Mets and Blue Jays.

So with all that, it's likely to get better for the Cubs, and it's likely to get better soon. I have a feeling that the Brewers will hang around all year because they have a nice balance of pitching and hitting, but they aren't going to run away with the division. In fact, no team will run away with the division, because there isn't anything in the Central that resembles a dominant team.

There's your hope, Cubs fans. Sorry that it's based in numbers and nerdiness.

Amped up

2007-04-25T07:51:00.000-07:00

Eek.

Thank you, Isiah

2007-04-16T11:19:00.001-07:00

I ran the ESPN NBA lottery simulator this morning, just for fun. And this was the first result that I got (you can click for a larger version):

The edge of reason?

2007-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

The NFL Draft is coming up, which means that Mel Kiper slithers out of his chamber and loudly informs us which players will become the next Curtis Enis or Ryan Leaf. I was reading some previews of the draft and came across one in particular, on ESPN, entitled "The edge of reason."

The article is about how the three-year-old daughter of LSU coach Les Miles has a huge crush on JaMarcus Russell, the former Tigers' quarterback who could be drafted No. 1 overall.

Since this is a sports website, they actually talk more about Russell and why coaches and scouts view him as the best quarterback in the draft. He's 6-foot-6, weighs more than 250 pounds and can reportedly throw a football 80 yards. Therefore, he appears to be physically gifted. From the scouts, we get the typical talk about how they've never seen anyone who has the same physical gifts as Russell.

I think the word "never" should be banned from scouts' vocabulary. They say it all the time, and it's ... umm, never true.

Anyway, the best quote in the whole article comes from Brad Childress, the Minnesota Vikings coach:

"Have you seen his gosh darn hands?. They're huge. It's like the kid has an extra knuckle. Sure, there are lots of things I'd like to know about him. But physically, he's off the charts. It's exciting. You just simply can't deny his physical gifts. It all starts with that."

His hands are huge. Therefore, he will be an amazing quarterback.

I don't get it.

I don't get why physical gifts are now the most important aspect of any athlete when being drafted. I think it started in the NBA with all of the high-upside high schoolers who entered the draft in recent years, and it's now filtered over to the NFL and baseball.

Athleticism is great. You need to be athletic in order to succeed in athletics. But you still have to be able to perform finely-tuned tasks and have specific abilities in order to be good at the game. The fact that JaMarcus Russell has freakishly large hands will not help him in any way in the NFL, unless the league changes the game ball from an oblong pigskin to a 14-pound bowling ball.

The ESPN article has a great stat (from Football Outsiders) that says the greatest predictor of a quarterback's ability in the NFL is not his hands, or his arm strength, or his 40 time; it's the number of starts he made in college. In recent years, the quarterbacks with the most starts in college have been Philip Rivers (51), Donovan McNabb (49) and Carson Palmer (45). Russell made 29 starts in college, which places him among Rex Grossman, Joey Harrington and Akili Smith -- another physically gifted signal-caller who had "all of the tools" to succeed.

For the record, Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn made 46 starts in college, and was widely thought to be better than Russell up until the last game of the season. Before the Sugar Bowl, Russell had only thrown for more than 269 yards once in his junior season -- Quinn failed to reach that mark just twice last year.

So why do people in sports continually look past performance and focus on tools and upside? Just the other day, I was reading an article that talked about how athletic the Devil Rays are. The writer talked about how if baseball were to implement a decathlon competition, the Rays would win, hands-down.

That's pretty cool. Except, the Rays play baseball. And they suck at it.

I think that the biggest reason for this approach is just pure arrogance. Every coach thinks they can be the one to coax and teach a physically gifted player to become a star. It's why teams will reach for Russell over a sure thing like Calvin Johnson. It's why Vince Young was taken over Matt Leinart. It's the reason Darko Milicic was drafted ahead of Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade and Kirk Hinrich.

I understand the idea of taking a higher risk player in some situations. I think the Bulls were OK in taking Tyrus Thomas last year; it was a weak draft and there were no players available that filled an immediate need for them, so they went with upside. But for teams who have holes all over the place, there's no reason to take a project when a safer bet is available.

I'm curious if this is going to continue, or if sports teams will eventually learn from all of the mistakes. Either we're going to see this trend eventually level off and GMs revert back to drafting players based on their actual ability, or it's only going to get worse, and we'll see football teams draft Olympic sprinters with no competitive football experience to play wide receiver.

Yeah, now that I think about it, this will probably keep getting worse. I can't wait until Jim Hendry drafts Justin Gatlin to replace Matt Murton.

King Felix, Lord of Men, Dwight Gooden

2007-04-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

I hate to add to the hype that now surrounds Felix Hernandez after his start last night in Boston, but ...

OhmyGod did anyone else see how he pitched against the Boston Red Sox lineup and Dice-K and with 350 media members watching his every move people thought that Matsuzaka was going to be the one to watch but no Felix proved them wrong because he has a 99 mph fastball and a 92 mph slider and a 12-to-6 curveball in the mid-80s which is just unfair and he had pinpoint control and David Ortiz who knows a goddamn thing or two about hitting said that he was "filthy" and he almost had a no-hitter until JD Drew broke it up with a single that just barely made it through the middle and this is the best stuff that I've ever seen except for maybe Dwight Gooden and this kid is another Dwight Gooden and maybe better especially if he can avoid arm injuries and drug problems and the Clap and I can't really breathe because hyperbole sucks the wind right from your lungs but this kid is good and I would be stunned to see him give up a run before June and he's basically a non-Jewish Latino right-handed Sandy Koufax but only younger and I can't wait to see what he does in his next start but I tell you right now that if he gives up more than two hits I'll eat my wingtip shoes.

• Alex Rodriguez, who is totally non-clutch (as if you need to be reminded), is lacing the cover off the baseball this season. He's hitting .355 with a .447 OBP, and he's racked up a 1.065 slugging percentage. He's got six home runs and has already driven in 16 runs. He currently has more home runs than 10 major league teams. Since small sample sizes are fun, if you extrapolate A-Rod's numbers over a full season, he's on pace for the following totals:

121 home runs
364 RBIs
203 runs

And they'd still boo him in New York.

While he won't continue that pace -- at least I don't think so -- it would be my greatest joy to see A-Rod hit 60 homers, drive in 150 runs, win the adoration of Yankees fans ... and then use the opt-out clause in his contract to bolt for free agency. They deserve it.

• The Bulls hammered the Knicks 98-69 the other night, and Steve Francis complained after the game that the Bulls ran up the score.

I always find these arguments interesting in pro sports, since we're no longer in Little League and grown men shouldn't really care how much they get beat by. Should the Bulls really be worried about Steve Francis' feelings? Hardly. They didn't play their starters at all in the fourth quarter and didn't score in the final two minutes. I don't think there was much of an effort to humiliate the Knicks. New York does a pretty good job of that on their own accord.

If anything, given how Isiah Thomas has recently tried to hype that he "got the better end" of the Eddy Curry trade, I think the Bulls should have pushed it further and tried to win by 50.

As a sidenote, Eddy Curry still can't guard anyone in the post. He's awful.

• Obligatory Don Imus note.

This is real. I repeat: This is real

2007-04-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not even going to provide commentary on this. Just a link and a quote. You make all the judgments you need.

Keith Richards: The day I snorted my father's ashes

He is the embodiment of rock and roll excess. But Keith Richards' latest admission is likely to surprise even his most hardened fans.

The Rolling Stones guitarist has told how he snorted his own father's ashes in a drugs binge.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," he said.

The 63-year-old detailed in a magazine interview how he mixed the ashes with cocaine and inhaled them.

"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow.

"My dad wouldn't have cared - he didn't give a shit. It went down pretty well. And I'm still alive."

An overreaction

2007-04-06T08:34:00.000-07:00

Early-season baseball is fun. You wind up with a lot of funny sample sizes and bizarre stats, as evidence by JR Radcliffe's post that gives out awards if the season ended today. Xavier Nady, eh?

However, while it's only been three games, as a Cubs fan, it's discouraging to see how Alfonso Soriano has performed so far. There's obviously tremendous scrutiny on him because of his ... sigh ... eight-year contract that totals $136 million. But so far, the Fonz has looked clueless at the dish. Part of the reason I was hopeful about his signing was the extra patience he showed last season when he set a career high in walks. This season, however, Soriano has swung early and often. He really looks like he's forcing things and not waiting for the right pitch to hit, which is what allowed him to have such a monster year in 2006.

It's early, of course. The performance isn't so much what bothers me, but the approach is worrisome. He's going to have to calm down and take a few pitches. And I suppose I probably should calm down and take a few deep breaths.

Also:

• I was watching Sportscenter this morning and they showed a highlight of Alex Rodriguez popping up with the bases loaded and the anchor said something to effect of "And his clutch struggles continue."

Can we please stop this? Last year, which was supposedly A-Rod's worst, saw him post the following splits:

Runners in scoring position: .302 AVG, .431 OBP, .508 SLG
RISP with 2 outs: .313 AVG, .495 OBP, .475 SLG
Bases loaded: .474 AVG, .500 OBP, .789 SLG

Looking at the numbers, he was actually at his worst with the bases empty. That doesn't sound very un-clutch now, does it?

• Further stupidity in sports journalism was Bill Simmons' running diary yesterday, specifically the two parts in which he ripped on JD Drew. He made it sound like Drew hasn't done anything so far this year, saying "yet another weak out from Drew."

So I checked into what Drew has done this year, thinking that he was off to a bad start in Boston.

Nope, Drew is hitting .400 with a .500 OBP. He's also got two doubles in just ten at-bats, so he's slugging a rosy .600.

What's the problem, Bill?

• The Office is back. And I'm hiring Dwight Schrute as my personal bodyguard.

"I am not a hero. I am a mere defender of the office. You know who’s a real hero? Hiro, from Heroes. That’s a hero. Also Bono."

Famous

2007-04-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

If you've ever wanted to read heavily-edited versions of my posts, you can do so in the Chicago Tribune.

Really.

That's all I've got.

Just an employee

2007-03-30T06:59:00.000-07:00

Oh, Mark Prior.

You ignorant slut.

You moping crybaby.

You brittle twit.

The Cubs sent you to the minor leagues to begin the season, and you decided to raise a stink about it.

He's not pulling a Lance Briggs or anything, but he did make the decision to be completely passive-aggressive about his demotion. The key line in here is Prior saying that he's "just another employee." Actually, he's not. Because if Mark were just another employee, he probably would have been fired by now.

I'm not sure what he expected from his spring. He spent the few starts he made last year getting hammered, and then he shows up this year throwing 84 mph and posting a 6.97 ERA. He also had nine walks against six strikeouts. That's what No. 4 starters on Little League teams do.

He spoke of the "progress" he's made, which I think means he's now throwing 87-89. As everyone but him remembers, the good Mark Prior throws 94-95 and doesn't walk batters. This spring, he's walked a batter every 1.1 innings; in his dominant 2003 season, he walked a batter every 4.2 innings. The command isn't there, the velocity isn't there, and his curve ball isn't breaking.

What did he expect?

Enjoy Iowa, Mark. I hear Des Moines has some nice restaurants. I'd especially recommend the Denny's on Euclid. I hear their bacon is extra crispy, if not overdone.

You know, like your career.

I speak, therefore it is done

2007-03-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, Kobe Bryant has been incredible lately. Perhaps you've been sidetracked by thrilling 55-49 NCAA Tournament games where teams miss 55 open jumpers and it gets called "defense," but if you've been paying attention to the sporting world, you've seen Kobe has been lighting up scoreboards all over the NBA.

However, the love for everyone's favorite ~~rapist~~ adulterer has maybe gone a bit too far. Someone employed by ESPN named Jemele Hill thinks that Kobe Bryant is better than Michael Jordan.

The basis of her argument is three-fold:

1. Michael Jordan isn't necessarily a better person than Kobe, because MJ has done bad things too.
2. The league is better now than when Michael played.
3. Kobe is better as Michael.

Let's address these in order.

1. I don't know what this point has to do with anything, other than possibly making it easier for people to agree that Kobe is a better basketball player than Michael. Sorry, it still doesn't help me.

2. This. Is. Nuts. Completely insane. There are about four too many teams in the league right now, and the talent is completely watered down by 19 and 20-year old projects that teams have taken purely based on potential. When Michael played, guys like Tyrus Thomas were still in college, developing their skills and learning how to do things like move their feet and dribble the basketball without falling over. Now, the league is flooded with dozens and dozens of players who shouldn't be there. And Kobe has the opportunity to exploit and abuse them every single night. Michael wasn't able to do that nearly as frequently.

As for her point that athletes are faster and stronger now than when Michael played, it's all relative; Kobe is able to take advantage of the same training as everyone else.

3. This is something that afflicts sportswriters everywhere. They make a statement, and they then assume that since they have the power to put those words in print, it becomes true. But guess what? It doesn't work that way. You can't just say "Kobe is as good as Michael" and suddenly make it a fundamental truth. Also, Jemele loses all credibility when she says that Kobe is as good of a defender as Michael.

Let's look at some numbers. It'll be brief and painless, I promise.

Last season was Kobe's best year, at age 27. Per 40 minutes, he put up 34.6 points, 4.4 assists and 5.2 boards. Not bad, of course.

In Michael's age 27 season (not even his best year), he posted 40-minute rate stats of 34.0 points, 6.0 assists and 6.2 rebounds. He threw in THREE steals a game, to boot.

But here's where the glaring difference kicks in. Kobe shot 45 percent from the field. Michael (a guard, mind you) shot 54 percent from the field.

That's called efficiency, my friends. And that's why Kobe will never be as good as Michael. It doesn't matter how many points you score -- it's how they're scored. Even if you take away the clear advantages Jordan has in assists, rebounds and defense and boil it down to points, Kobe comes up short. If you let me stand out on an NBA floor and take enough shots, I could put up 50 points in a game. It might require me to take 115 shots, but I'd eventually get it done.

Now that I've used numbers and various kinds of logic to make my points, I will go ahead and make my decree: Kobe Bryant is not close to Michael Jordan. And he never will be.

A good luck post

2007-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I write about a lot of sports on here, but I've always focused on the professional, non-familial version of that. I'm going to change that for one day at least.

My brother is going to the state tennis tournament. And I'm pretty proud of the kid. His name is Alex, he's pictured above, and he's a junior in high school. He has a killer forehand and a super-consistent serve. He's also cat-like quick on the court. However, the backhand could probably use some work, if I'm being honest here.

His record on the year is 21-4, with two of those losses coming against his own teammates from Galesburg at the conference and sectional meets (the two teams played each other in the championship match -- a rare accomplishment). The other two losses were against powerhouse suburban teams from near Chicago.

It was always my goal in high school to make it to state, but I came up one win short in my senior year. Now I can live vicariously through Alex. That's something, right?

So, best of luck to Alex tomorrow morning when he faces off against Niles West.

Note: I would be going to state to watch, but I have contracted dysentery and can't make the trip.

Crossroads

2007-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

JR is chastising me again. He says that I'll get my Internet license revoked if I let a third blog die, and he's probably right. It's hard to maintain a loyal readership of 3-8 people if you don't post regularly, so I appreciate everyone sticking with me.

The issue here is that I don't know what my blog should be. It doesn't need to be a pure Cubs blog (Hire Jim Essian and Desipio have that locked down). I don't watch enough television or movies to truly comment about that sort of thing. As for music tastes, I only listen to what Pitchfork tells me to like, so I don't need to talk about that.

Just kidding about that last part. I hope.

JR Radcliffe has his top-ten list niche, and that works well for him. Andrew Hershberger (still one of my favorite blogs) brings little recommendations to you to improve your life. I can't compete with that.

Should I write about the mundane details of my day-to-day existence? Do I just write about how much I hate Peter King and Bill Simmons? Do you want a journal of everything I eat for meals? What clothes I wear? Tips on how to dominate two fantasy sports, but hopelessly fail in football? Maybe lend some of my extensive knowledge of rutabaga gardening? Anyone want to write a collaborative blog? Should Flotsam be dug up from its grave?

That probably won't happen, by the way.

So I am asking you, loyal readers, to help. Tell me what to write. I will hang up now and listen for your answer.

Seeding perks

2007-03-20T08:05:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the higher seeds at the NCAA Tournament receive better hotel accommodations. Who knew?

I have an obsession

2007-03-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

I should just re-name my blog "I hate Bill Simmons."

I don't care if you're tired of hearing about it, but the fact that he's the world's most popular sports columnist drives me nuts.

Today, he writes 3,538 words to preview the NCAA Tournament, and doesn't offer a single piece of reasonable analysis during the entire article. He picks teams based on comments made by players to newspapers, the way their names sound and where he went to school. Oh, and of course, there's a few e-mails from his buddies. Did you know House is a Maryland fan? Great news. I wasn't aware.

Then, after all of that, he closes his column by saying that tomorrow we can expect his wife's picks.

This is the best that ESPN has to offer, apparently.

So you're telling me there's a chance

2007-03-08T12:30:00.000-08:00

Right now, the Bulls have a 0.8 percent chance of landing the top pick in the NBA Draft. That's not good. I spend most of my time rooting against the Knicks, who aren't playing well and are banged up right now. As it stands, they have the 11th-worst record in the NBA, and I could see it getting worse by a spot or two before the season is over.

That would get the Bulls up to a 3.55 percent chance. That's still not good.

So if the Bulls don't land a top-3 pick, they fall to whatever spot in the draft the Knicks would have been. We're likely looking at a slot in the 7-10 range. Since Oden and Durant will be long gone, who should I be rooting for the Bulls to take?

As you know, I've sworn off college basketball simply for the sake of contrarianism, so I need my college-hoops-following friends to tell me who might be available and who might be exciting. Keep in mind that the Bulls are almost certainly going to take a post player, preferably one who can score.

Who's worth looking at? Al Horford? Spencer Hawes? Roy Hibbert? I'm assuming Joakim Noah and Brandan Wright won't be available.

Lend me your insight, please.

Trainwreck of the week

2007-03-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

Time for the first installment in my ~~weekly~~ whenever-I-feel-like-it feature called "Trainwreck of the Week." In it, I seek to honor the bad, the worse and the catastrophic. I apologize in advance if I eventually just talk about Cesar Izturis for the duration of the summer.

But for now, the trainwreck is the ludicrous plot and story of this season of '24.' Oh, how far you have fallen, you pandering television drama.

24 was never realistic; it was never revolutionary. I never pretended otherwise. But it was fun to follow, and most episodes had you perched on the front of your chair at some point (tangent: the word "perch" always makes me think of a bird, which makes me think of "The Raven", which makes me think about Edgar Allen Poe, which makes me think about alcoholism, nevermore).

While I have followed this season rather intently, it's mostly because it's just a weekly habit. Last night's episode continued the plunge of the show into babbling, incoherent madness. We saw Jack take former president Charles Logan to the Russian consul's compound in Los Angeles because Logan thought the consul could help him find a Russian terrorist who had nuclear weapons. After Logan talked to this particularly intense Russian, he told Jack that the Russian was definitely lying. So Jack then took it upon himself to go back into the compound, in violation of every international law, and torture the consul until he got the information about the Russian terrorist who was working with the Arab terrorist, all of which is somehow coordinated by Jack's own father. In the process, Jack cut off one of the consul's fingers.

Meanwhile, the president of the United States lies in a hospital after nearly being killed by a bomb.

Got it?

Yeah, me neither.

Last season was a nice, simple plot. There was nerve gas in the hands of terrorists. They wanted to let the nerve gas out in public, and Jack was trying to stop them. The twist was that there was a government conspiracy and the president was involved. Beyond that, you just got to watch Jack run around a lot and yell. The show made you interested in Edgar, the Logans and Christopher Henderson. Hell, even Rudy/Samwise was interesting for the time he was on the show. Now we're just left with Jack and Chloe. Everyone else is bland and worthless (though I am glad to see Logan back this season).

This season, Jack does some of that characteristic running and yelling, but we also don't know who he's going after. Is it the Arabs? The Russians? His dad? The moles within the U.S. government? Where is Audrey? Why did they have to kill Curtis? Where did Jack get that suit he was wearing last night? I mean, you can't just find a well-fitting suit anywhere. Since when does Jack speak convincing enough Russian to fool one of the compound's guards? Why was I glad that Palmer was hit by a bomb? Are we officially past watching Palmer's sister have to do anything? Where is Jack's daughter?

When a show kills off pretty much every interesting character for pure shock value, it better be left with a compelling story and plot. There's still time for 24 to regain one in the last 12 hours of the show, but as Jack would say, damn it, Chloe, time is running out!

Love Lou

2007-02-28T11:51:00.000-08:00

The Cubs released Lou Piniella's lineup for the first spring training game tomorrow. Here it is:

1. Alfonso Soriano
2. Matt Murton
3. Derrek Lee
4. Aramis Ramirez
5. Jacque Jones
6. Michael Barret
7. Mark DeRosa
8. Cesar Izturis
9. Jason Marquis

This is wonderful. He's got Murton hitting second, and the two worst hitters in the order batting 7th and 8th (Marquis is better hitter than Izturis). It's perfect. It makes sense. And after years of awful Dusty Baker lineups, it's refreshing.

In fact, the Cubs also released the order Dusty sent to Lou in an e-mail, as a "suggestion."

1. Neifi Perez
2. Tom Goodwin
3. Derrek Lee
4. Aramis Ramirez
5. Gene Clines
6. ~~Darren Baker~~ ~~Neifi Perez~~ Jacque Jones
7. Jose Macias
8. Michael Barrett
9. Jason Marquis

It's good to have you gone, Dusty.

I'm alive

2007-02-27T07:48:00.001-08:00

This is not an actual photo from Galesburg this weekend, but it might as well have been. I apologize for my week-long absence, and also for the fact that you had to look at a dreamy photo of Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter each time you were here. Anyway, I choose to use bullet points to update you.

The weather was atrocious this weekend. I've never seen anything like it; there was a solid three inches of ice covering everything in Galesburg and tree limbs were down all over the city. By one estimate, at least half of the roads had some sort of limb blockage and almost 80 percent of the town was without power.
We, fortunately, did not lose power.
Julie visited this weekend, so she and I suffered through the start of this weather on a drive back from St. Louis, where we saw Guster with Welty. Guster was good; sliding around on an interstate wasn't so good. As an additional side note, The Pageant is an amazing concert venue.
Julie and I both got sick on Sunday, either from food poisoning or some sort of virus (probably the latter). On the bright side, we ate 30 crackers between us over two days, so we got a nice start on slimming down for our trip to Orlando in March. The episode gave me the idea to work on a book about dieting via controlled illness. I think it could work. Dieting Through Dysentery, perhaps?
On Thursday night, a crack developed across the width of my car windshield, probably stemming from a rock chip. Since October, I've hit a deer with my car, my dad backed it into a truck and now I have this unexplained crack on my windshield. I think the Corolla is cursed, and I'm probably going to explore getting a new car.
Speaking of cursed, the Cubs (like that transition?) are in full spring training mode and Mark Prior is probably hurt. But the Cubs say there's nothing wrong and that we have no reason not to believe them. Anyone who has followed the team during the past three years knows how insulting this is. I'll complain more about this later.
"24" is a pretty crappy television show. I hope Wayne Palmer dies, or is at least rendered mute so I never have to listen to him talk again. He. Has. So. Much. Passion. That. He. Grits. His. Teeth. And. Growls. Even. When. It. Doesn't. Make. Any. Sense. To. Do. So.
The Bulls didn't add anyone at the trade deadline and still don't have a post presence. I'll complain more about this later.
I played Guitar Hero for the first time while visiting Welty. It haunted my dreams for two nights. Cowboys from Hell!
This final bullet point is to apologize for the extremely boring nature of this post. I'll get back to snarky commentary as soon as I'm able. And as soon as I can eat a full meal again.

As the Bronx turns

2007-02-19T11:04:00.001-08:00

Tim Hardaway will be pleased to know that Alex Rodriguez says that he and Derek Jeter are no longer close.

"We were best of friends about 10, 13, 14, years ago, and we still get along well. We have a good working relationship. I cheer very hard for him. He cheers hard for me. And most importantly, we're both trying to win a world championship."

That's nice.

"The reality is there's been a change in the relationship over 14 years and, hopefully, we can just put it behind us. You go from sleeping over at somebody's house five days a week, and now you don't sleep over. It's just not that big of a deal."

I'm giggling.

It's spring training. There are dozens of fantastic storylines that the press can follow. However, we're subjected to a long-winded article about the friendship of two athletes that most of the country dislikes.

Wake me when they get in a fight, or get married, or something.