TheGreenGirls - Love--Relationship

Happy 2012! What are you doing New Year's Eve?

GreenGirls — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 05:00:00 -0700

Wishing you all a very prosperous & happy 2012!

What are you doing New Year's Eve? We'd love to hear about it!

Lots of love from all of us here at TheGreenGirls.com!

Mistletoe - Not Just for Smooching!

Mindy — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 08:52:00 -0700

Did you know that European Mistletoe has a variety of health benefits? - Not to be confused with American Mistletoe which is merely a decoration that we Americans use as an excuse to steal a few kisses this time of year.

Mistletoe has been used for centuries to treat conditions, such as headaches and seizures. New studies have shown that it may help stimulate the immune system as well. Mistletoe has also been shown to have a calming influence on people who are suffering from anxiety disorders.

"One of the best known properties of mistletoe is its ability to reduce blood pressure. It is also often taken together with hawthorn in various herbal mixtures in order to strengthen the heart, especially in older people. There have also been claims that mistletoe can help treat certain cancer types, although these claims still await further scientific research." (excerpt from plantsmedicinal.com)

There are also many more properties that medicinal herbs like this one have, but all the information that would be necessary to mention to describe these plants fully, would not fit in one article. Luckily, many other web sites can be found online that describe medicinal properties of mistletoe in more detail as well as many, many others so one can also Google "medicinal herbs" for hundreds if not thousands of others.

You can purchase quality mistletoe extract here: http://herb-pharm.com/catalog/mistletoe-p-135.html

Do not consume mistletoe that has not been processed. It can cause seizures, vomiting and in some cases, death. DO NOT use mistletoe if you are pregnant as it can cause harm to your unborn child!

Mindy Perez
www.EVOKEElegance.com
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My Big Fat Green Wedding -BIG SUR

Janine — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 15:28:00 -0700

Spring is in the air, a symphony of birds chirp throughout the day, crickets in the night. During the 11th hour of planning, it sure went quick and I apologize for dropping off but I had no time to do anything except plan and keep my head on straight (although admittedly I lost it a few times). We had an amazing wedding. I understand why people do it now -it's beyond words. No one should be denied this experience.

Ken & Janine's Eco Wedding in Big Sur

This was the most intense event I have ever planned. My mother helped me a lot. So many thanks to her for her incredible organizational skills. She kept me on track and was my right hand woman. Also thanks to fellow Green Girl, Laura of Green With Envy (and long time dear friend from high school) who actually told me about Ventana Inn. Without Laura, we may have had an entirely different kind of wedding across the street.

If I could recommend resources, I would highly recommend The Green Bride Guide but also, Celebrate Green which was written by fellow Green Girls! In honor of my colleagues, I will base my eco-wedding wrap up off of their list of things to consider when planning an eco-friendly wedding.

Our save the dates, RSVP's, and invites: Digital -except for grandparents that were printed out on banana paper by "Eco-paper" -a company that produces paper from different agricultural waste in Costa Rica.

Printed programs: Didn't do them. There were printed menus -did not realize the hotel was going to make these for us ... darn! oversight!

Table cards: Were created on handmade seed paper by our invitation artist, Amy Tan --and I was just able to recycle those into the creation of shadow boxes as Christmas gifts to my family
The cards used for each person were made out of seeded paper as well -my mother ordered those

Gown: Rented from One Night Affair in Los Angeles. I got a $5000 dress for less than $900!

Bouquet: part of my wedding location "package", made with organic plants and flowers that matched our wedding theme which was grey and yellow as inspired by dusty millers, & spider mums.
I did throw in my favorite flower, the protea -native to hawaii but a huge plant exists at the Big Sur Bakery over by the gas pumps. They are grown on flower farms here so it was not shipped from Hawaii. I found out after the fact that Dusty millers are not indigenous either; didn't think about it until after the wedding!

Veil: Bought from a local designer, Tessa Kim -not sure if I will donate it yet or put it into a shadow box for display -I really loved my birdcage veil that had little crystals on it, representative, to me, of my new husband's band (The Crystal Method ;)

Something blue: A mala bead bracelet that I would wear during the day. I had said an affirmation on (given to me by a couple of my favorite yogi's, Ana Brett & Ravi Singh. They had based the affirmation on the numerology of Ken's birthdate!). This would "double" later his wedding gift that night.

Something old: -My grandmother's wedding hankie!

Necklace: I just used something I already had :)

Earrings: Custom made by Liza, who designed our wedding rings -also with crystals in them -she gives back to charities, is eco-minded (as she used to have a green store in addition to her jewelry business).

Tux: Ken rented an eco-tux made from recycled plastic bottles from eco-stylist and friend, Phu Styles.

His boutonniere: Included in our "package" -matched our inspiration of the grey and yellow with dusty miller and organic yellow spider mum

Bridal party's attire: Made by a local LA designer, Laura of Matrushka Construction. The style was simple, the colors (although both in the grey family -were picked out as colors my sister and aunt would like so they could wear their dresses again. I also allowed my girls to pick out their favorite designs from Matrushka so I could pick the final I thought would best go with my dress and flatter them both. The dress design was called the Jean Harlow, and just like old Hollywood glam, it will never go out of style. These dresses are something both my aunt and my sister good about. My sister's was made short as that is what she prefers, and my aunt's made long. The cool thing about Matrushka Construction is that all designs are made of left over fabrics so I had to pick a color close to the date of when we were going to make it as the fabrics once they are gone, are gone. Laura is also very involved environmentally in the Silverlake community where she lives and has her store and has lots of cool conscious and integrated living events at her store.

Best men: Scott used an old designer suit, and his brother rented

Children's clothing: I didn't want to be too hard on the parents, so I allowed them to do whatever with our ring bearer -for our flower girl, she wore a dress made for her by Matrushka Construction as well.

Donating to charities: for the left over attire like GlassSlipperProject.org, MakingMemories.org, etc .... I didn't really have too many things I could donate from the wedding. The earrings are something I will reuse, Liza has even offered to "rework" them for me at another time to make them less "wedding like" so I can wear them forever. My shoes might be an option but I think I need to take a special photo shoot in them first ;) .... I loved my shoes! I honestly tried looking for shoes from so many sources, I looked for vintage shoes -couldn't find any that worked, I looked on eco-responsible sites like VeganChic.com,PlanetShoes.com, etc ... the thing is this. I wanted them to go with my dress, I personally like height so I was not doing Tom's unless they had glittery wedges, which they didn't, and really I wanted something my husband would like too -he's particular and prefers, actually like I do, a certain kind of peep toe shoes. I ended up finding the perfect shoes --I loved them and I have already worn them again to a movie premier. I will probably end up donating them but I am scheduling that photoshoot and I might where them to one more event first ;)I was not sure what purse I was going to use until that day although I had bought one for the wedding from Emersonmade, the same place that made the family boutineirres. I bought it because I love that company and love her work. It was also made of linen and the flower detaches so I can wear it in my hair for a different occasion (as we were going to have another celebration where more of Ken's extended family could come in October although due to a series of unfortunate events, it is indefinitely put off -the flower will be put to use either staying on my clutch, or in my hair). Without the flower the clutch is very simple and therefore very versatile. Although my sister eneded up getting a bouquet anyway as it was part of the package, I had bought her a felt purse from Etsy, and my aunt I bought a purse also from Emersonmade -this would be there gifts from me and I thought a cute way for them to coordinate with me in the pictures.

Rings: Ethically sourced diamond from Australia, the platinum was 100% recycled

Ceremony Locale:
Suggestion was have the wedding and the reception within walking distance from each other -ours was at a resort in Big Sur. Really only 12 people were in attendance at our actual ceremony. We had another ceremony for the remainder of our 64 guests at the exact spot the reception was -a "jumping the broom" ceremony. Cozy location for heat in the winter: Well ...it was always planned for outside with heaters if need be -not going to lie but we were lucky in that it was record hot that day. Unfortunately I was not able to use my beautiful bamboo shawl by Aunt had bought me from Naturally Knotty, which matched my dress exactly! We did have it during the day, however, so that we could always have access to the sunlight.

Flowers reception: succulent arrangements DIY, dusty miller plants potted, and yellow flowers were the DIY kits from OrganicBouquet.com of gerberas and spider mums! (They actually added the spider mums as a request by me! -thank you OrganicBouquet!). OrganicBouquet.com is also based out of California as well as the growers we would be getting our flowers from.

Flowers as boutineer: Custom order from the company, Emersonmade who consciously creates their products. They are handmade by Emerson and made from linen therefore they were a souvenir/ memento for the family members in attendance to the actual ceremony.

My bouquet: Beautiful, I loved it, I am sure it was a "standard" size but boy! If I had only known to ask, I probably would have requested my size to be my sister's size -it was too big for me -beautiful -had it wrapped in twine, loved that but big -I would not have changed the arrangement -that's what Ken and I wanted, but it could have been smaller for sure. Now that I think of it, I think it would have been cute to have my bouquet be part of my table arrangement as we had pretty pots for the dusty millers. I also like the "single flower" idea given by "Celebrate Green" -although I would have had 3 items then, a protea, a spider mum, and a bit of dusty miller (again, wrapped in twine).

Flower girl bouquet: It was a DIY. I bought a natural dried flower arrangement made from mangos. In the jumping of the broom ceremony that my aunt would speak at, she had bought some ribbon from a conscious store near her. She had used the ribbon on my bridal shower gift, and then she gave me some to wrap my broom. I had my eco-stylist friend Phu, wrap both the flower girl bouquet and the broom. Her bouquet is going into a shadow box for her.

Broom: We got ours from BroomMagic.com. Broom Magic only uses wood that has naturally fallen off of trees to make their brooms. My beautiful spiritual sister and officiant Tess will be getting one as her wedding gift -fitting for the woman that wrote the book, "Magical Housekeeping".

Ring Pillow: We didn't use one! We used instead, a beautiful wood box from Costa Rica that our friend Lori had given to us as a thank you for letting her come hang out with us at our Costa Rican house. After the wedding it went back to the house where it holds special items, like my personal yoga mala.

Reception food: I think the buffet would have been more expensive at the resort than the plated lunch we had served for our guests so we went plated. The resort specializes in fresh foods that are locally sourced. Their herbs they grab from on property! Our menu was 2/3 vegetarian actually! We had a vegan option, a vegetarian option, and a sustainable fish option. All items were locally sourced. My only lament was that although I made it explicitly clear that the 1 vegan option had to be actually vegan, I did not realize that I had to explain that on the salad that came out beforehand, that for the vegans (myself and my girlfriend who married us, Tess Whitehurst) had to be vegan too. I am not a strict vegan although I eat vegan probably 4 to 5 times a week. My downfall is goat cheeses, I can go without cow cheese. Anyway, I ate goat cheese, but my girlfriend had to give hers to her significant other, Ted.
There were no food leftovers as it was good and everyone finished their meals, although unfortunately they took Ken and I's salads before we were done on mistake because we had gotten up to socialize. Just a minor detail that got overlooked and I never would have realized to think of in advance.
We were not able to get a vegan cake from Ventana in. However, they did make sure all the ingredients were organic. We had a wrapper-less petit four cake on a cardboard cakestand! I think next time I might actually would have tried harder to find a cake stand that had already been used, or one that could be reusable as I dream of having commitment ceremonies at our home in L.A. I liked the cardboard cakestand because it represented us, it was our punk statement against traditional values. We did not decorate the cakestand with any ribbon as I was trying to be talked into, instead we only adorned it with natural tapioca wood flowers in the shape of roses, gardenias, and some other pretty cone like design of which I still have many for decorations in the future and which I have been able to use in my shadow boxes as well!

Drinks: little bottles of water were banned from my ceremony :) So we had a large receptacle down there with water and glassware from the bar. We also had organic lavender lemonade made with agave instead of sugar.

Liquor: We had a special drink my mom found available for our guests called "Love in the Afternoon" which was basically a Tangerine Mimosa with rose water. My mother found the drink in some magazine like Sunset. It was special because Ken and I had a big date at "Love", the Cirque du Soleil Beatles musical tribute at the Mirage. Being at the resort it was hard to control what they had available and we could not bring in our own so we worked with what they had. We used the resort's glassware.

Table Linens: Rented linens for the tables. The runners were a DIY project my mom did -we picked out a natural fiber material we bought in bulk.

Napkins: we actually bought the napkins since they were going to be the same price to rent. They are a nice light grey that will come in hand in many other entertaining situations since I throw benefit parities for my non-profit, Green Wave. I have actually used them already at a Green Wave private donor's dinner I had at our home this past February.

Centerpieces: Potted dusty millers that we have kept alive so we can plant them (just waiting on my gardeners as we are in the middle of transitioning landscaping), the succulent arrangements I wish I had people take, I thought I would use them around our house, but Ken's mom, who had made them for us, actually very meticulously and sweetly, took them all apart, and replanted the the succulents around her yard (so they went to good use), cleaned the bowls and put all the sand back in bags for me! So actually we just made two arrangements yesterday (as I realized after the fact that I could only see two spots in our house currently that could use them) and we assembled them from the bowls I had bought to house the bouquets, and the sand from the reception, and we repacked the succulents from her yard :)

Name cards: Could be technically planted as they were made of seeded papers, and most everyone took theirs as souvenirs so there was no (at least immediate) waste.

Table names: A few people took for mementos as well, the remainder, as I mentioned we are using for shadow box gifts. They were hand painted by Amy Tan of Treespace studio, created on handmade seeded paper. Ken and I picked out inspirational names for the tables like Love, Light, Harmony, Bliss, and Cloud 9 (our table) ;)

Ice Sculptures: Celebrate Green says ice sculptures are virtually no waste, but we had no need for one and I'm so glad we didn't -they would not have made it in the 105 degree heat that day! We also had sunlight, so no need for any other powered light source or candles.

Favors: I made my own! I bought natural muslin bags and stuffed them with organic chamomile and sea salts to create a foot/ bath soak. I also included a "beering" boutineer -so everyone had something to wear that day if they chose. My uncle Scot put it top center on his cowboy hat and Tess's man put it on as well -Tess had her own Emersonmade one :)
Not communicated well so maybe people think they are chamomile sachets ... I need to send an email out! And hopefully no one mistook it for tea!

Registry: Created on MyRegistry.com -it allowed us to pick from any website on the internet. Ken and I went out of our way to select only from Green Stores. As I have a non-profit, people of course had the option of giving to Green Wave as well.

Traditions: We created our own. There was no toss (it was prohibited at the resort anyway -lol! - who wants to clean up an environmental mess?!) No garter toss but my Aunt bought me a garter from a company that recycles old Irish lace -gorgeous memento! And my beautiful friend and designer Meghan created two awesome handmade garters for me as well as a gift for my bridal shower to be worn at the LA party we would have after the wedding! We also did not do a bouquet toss. My sister will be receiving a special bouquet made of the same mango flowers the flower girls bouquet was as her wedding gift (beside that felt Etsy purse I bought her).

What I learned:

There are great resources all over the web and of course in print (go to the library or borrow from your wedded friends).
One of the Green Wave tag lines we have is "Be Aware and Share". Sharing is important ... share your ideas with others -they might even have better ones than you do! A lot of times the stress will make you think of complex solutions when there might be a much simpler one. Simply talking it out with someone else might, if nothing else, just give you spring board for something you can search online for.

Communication is huge! I could definitely re-do some of the communication. Just ask as many questions as you possibly can. Ask your planner and your friends for lists of questions to ask. If you don't ask, you will be surprised! I was surprised with the menus my wedding location printed on "my behalf" -whoops! There were also other "mishaps" that occurred because I did not think to tell the hotel staff to keep everything and therefore, some items were thrown away, like my cardboard cake stand :( At least it will break down.

On positive note, communication did work well with my two girlfriends Ann Murray (who threw my fabulous bachelorette party), and Laura Rankin (who threw my bridal shower). I made specific requests that the parties must be vegan and as eco-friendly as possible. Those girls delivered, and it goes to show when you express yourself clearly, people come through. The people that love us, want to see us happy. (Even family members that are not so green gave me eco-friendly presents this past Christmas because they knew it would make me happy. Gotta love family). I will write a couple posts next year about those parities, as they were deserving of press :) as well as our after LA wedding celebration party.

That day was an incredible experience that makes me want to renew my vows yearly with my husband. We had so much fun. I'm so happy we didn't elope as I cannot imagine that day without my family. I am also glad we kept it small because I was able to spend time with my family and it made a smaller footprint considering it was a destination wedding. For all you brides and grooms, I wish you the best! Go forth, get married, and prosper!

You can follow me on Twitter @GreenGeisha

Wine, Sex & Chocolate (Video)

GreenGirls — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 10:35:00 -0700

Wine, sex and chocolate are common words on Valentine's Day, but did you know that there are actually health benefits in these pleasurable things? An interview with Dr. Saralyn Mark discusses the pros and cons of some of our favorite indulgences.

As we all know, no matter what, moderation is key, but we have to admit that though they may not be Superfoods, the benefits are pretty amazing.

photo via jing a ling

Benefits of Wine:

Helps repair cell damage
Lowers blood pressure
Decreases plaque in coronary arteries

Benefits of Chocolate:

Theobromine - caffeine-like stimulant
Has natural endorphins
Has antidepressant effect

Benefits of Sex:

Do we really need to point this out?

On this day of love, we hope you wreak the health benefits of at least one of the three. Happy Valentine's Day!

Resource: ABC News

Holistic Valentine's Day: Holistic Secrets with Rachel Avalon (Video)

Rachel — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 08:46:00 -0700

Love your sweetheart & the planet. Holistic Secrets with Rachel Avalon.

Learn more about Rachel at RachelAvalon.com

Natalie Portman’s Eco Bling Engagement Ring

GreenGirls — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 09:21:00 -0700

Jeweler designer Jamie Wolf and Portman's fiancé, Benjamin Millepied created a custom handmade ring with Portman's Eco-lifestyle in mind.

“We wanted everything about the ring to speak to things that are important to Natalie.” Wolf tells InStyle. The diamonds are conflict-free, meaning no one was hurt or treated unfairly in the mining of the diamonds, and the platinum is recycled metal.

photo via Getty images

There are many sustainably beautiful engagement rings in the market now and with the help of Eco-celebs taking it to the mainstream, an Eco-friendly ring will be the first option for any bride-to-be.

The sexual reflection of our body image

Wendy — Wed, 19 Jan 2011 10:36:00 -0700

I was caught by a news headline that in a poll of a thousand people, approximately 50% of female participants say they would rather go without sex for the summer than gain 10 pounds. One quarter of the male respondents agreed. The Nutrisystem poll was supported by recent European research with 12,000 participants. The study found that obese women were 30% less likely to have a sexual partner than normal weight women. Interestingly this did not hold up for obese men.

photo via Katie Tegtmeyer

How we imagine how other people see our bodies and how we perceive ourselves when we look in the mirror, or touch and smell ourselves has a significant yet complex impact on how we think about ourselves sexually. Body image doesn’t just include our estimation or our shape and weight compared with the ideal cultural body type, it also often includes our feelings about specific body parts. Our feelings about our own bodies are a learned response based on the ideal of beauty that our society and families value. Growing up comparing ourselves and being compared to a specific type of beauty is how our feelings about our bodies grow in us.

While weight issues are often the leaders in poor body images, equally detrimental are feelings of inadequacy from the size and appearance from the size, shape and appearance of genitals and breasts. Many men and women compare themselves to pornographic images of sexualized body parts The actors in these films do not reflect the norm, they got those jobs because of their unnaturally large endowments.

Surprisingly we all believe that there is a direct and simple relationship between having a positive sense of physical self and a positive relationship with sexuality. On a certain level, it is true that feeling good about your body makes you more comfortable with it and more likely to create healthy sexual relationships.

Interestingly, positive body image doesn’t always lead to healthy sexuality. Studies have shown that the opposite is true for men with a positive body images. They were more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior than men with lower body esteem. However women with positive body images were less likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. It is hard to understand these differences, except in the context of the mysterious and unique relationship we all have to our sexuality. What’s more is that the impact between body image and sexuality functions in the inverse as well. Satisfying sexual exploration and behavior can have a positive impact on body image.

Women who don’t feel sexy because of their body image in the world, have reported high levels of sexual satisfaction. The power of engaging and satisfying intimacy lifts the inhibitions and self consciousness that women experience. This is a paradigm shift in the same way that we are beginning to recognize that waking up the arousal mechanism in the body can shift the mental experience of desire. The act of intimacy and the deep satisfaction that accompanies it can actually turn the body image problem on its head.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Moody? -- Natural Ways To Treat Irritability

GreenGirls — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 08:56:00 -0700

We all know that life is full of emotional ups and downs, but sometimes the "down" gets to be too much while friends and family bear the brunt.

photo via .candy

What sets you off for no reason at all? Here are some factors you might consider when wondering what's causing the uncontrollable mood swings.

Stress - Irritability is often caused when a person is stressed or overworked.
Depression - Depression causes changes in thinking, feeling, behavior, and physical well-being with increased irritability and loss of temper, social withdrawal, and a reduction in your desire to engage in pleasurable activities.
Insomnia - A tired body and lack of sleep can trigger irritability in a person
Menopause - What?! Menopause causes irritability? Well, that sucks.

So what can we do about it? Here are some natural ways to treat irritability & mood swings.

Cardio Workout - get your dopamine fix. This "happy hormone" helps alleviates the mood by acting on neuro receptors which are responsible for mood alleviation
Gardening - This relaxing activity actually lifts depression according to a study a few years ago. The study showed a common soil bacterium, that we inhale when digging in the dirt, activates the serotonin releasing neurons in our brain. Not to mention, it's Great For Your Health!
Yoga / Meditation - The practice of patience will help restore calmness, and make life pleasant for you and for others around you. Clear your mind and breath.
Eat Healthy - A balanced diet with emphasis on proteins and vitamins naturally combats menopause.

Resources:

Sustainable Love: Obstacles to Intimate Conversation

Wendy — Thu, 23 Dec 2010 08:56:00 -0700

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions” -Woody Allen

Many people have trouble talking about sexual topics, including me. I have never been successful using the pornographic language often associated with sex, but medical terms feel just as odd rolling off the tongue in the midst of a pleasurable act. Generally it is easier to not discuss the topic at all, but then I often wonder if I might get more of the experience that I want if I could figure out how to ask for it. This tongue tied situation isn’t limited to just my partnership either; just this weekend, my sons were talking about how disgusting the idea of oral sex seemed to them and I found myself at a loss to respond. Even with all the work and writing about sex that I do, I still find myself in awkward and uncomfortable situations where I am unsure what words to use, how much to share or explain and even whether it is my place to be the one explaining.

photo via Ed Yourdon

Usually I break through my discomfort, sometimes placing my foot squarely in my mouth, because I believe that even more important than knowing the right words is the intention to break the silence that weighs so heavily over our sexuality. This is an ironic statement when you consider how much titillating, exhibitionist sexual talk fills the Internet and even mainstream media. Yet when it comes to garden variety discussions about improving intimate lives or even more, sharing sexual health information with the next generation, we are all silenced. Thinking about how to recognize and overcome some of the following obstacles might help you develop an ease and vocabulary for having meaningful sexual conversations in your relationship or with your kids.

Sex Myths: The biggest sex myth that is perpetrated, primarily because we don’t know how to talk about our sexual desires, is that we must all cultivate the skill of mind reading if we want to be great lovers. The idea that you should just know what will turn on your partner without communicating does a great disservice to many a relationship. Communication isn’t always about talking, but learning to feel comfortable with anatomically correct language is a good start because it is much easier than learning to read minds.

Sexual Fear: Many people walk around with a lot of fear associated with sexuality. High on the list is the fear of being normal, which makes many people hide their desires. A close second is the fear of sexual rejection, also known as making a fool of one self. Considering how naked, literally and figuratively, our sexual lives make us these fears are understandable, yet not helpful. Hiding our sexual selves or feeling ashamed cuts us off from ourselves and strongly hinders communication.

Negative Beliefs about Sex: Most of us were raised with some negative sex beliefs. For some of us, these are very personal, including bad feelings about one’s body (ugly, dirty, fat etc) or the more universal and religious-based sanctions against sexual pleasure. Whichever is your flavor, these beliefs are not strong openers for a good sexual conversation. Combining two people that hold negative beliefs greatly increases the potential for miscommunication because the message trying to be conveyed is misinterpreted.

Lack of Sex Information: To be able to discuss sexual issues and concerns, it helps to have some basic information. Unfortunately, many of us never benefited from any real sexual education. Lacking accurate and basic knowledge of sexual organs and functioning makes a real conversation difficult because there is no context for where to begin. Not knowing the reasons you feel or don’t feel something can make the topic all the more frightening and builds our fears and negative beliefs often without our awareness.

Privacy and Boundaries: Sexuality is one of the areas that we hold most privately in our life, especially as we get older. We all want to have good sex lives but we don’t want anyone else to know about it. Creating the privacy you need to feel comfortable about your sexuality should actually enhance your ability to communicate about it. But using the lack of privacy as an excuse to avoid the conversations will not get you closer to what you want. Additionally having a clear sense of your personal boundaries is essential because sharing your sexual questions will require you to be vulnerable in ways that are uncomfortable. Knowing your own comfort zone might take crossing the line a few times, but feeling confident in your ability to stretch within your boundaries will build your ability to communicate.

It has been said that language shapes the way we think and even determines what we can think about. By developing your comfort and vocabulary with your sexual language, you actually expand your abilities to think about who you are sexually. Breaking through our own barriers to discovering and sharing our sexual selves is liberating and gives access to one of the most essential and mysterious parts of our humanity. The more that I experiment and practice, the more gratified I am to see how pornographic exclamations and anatomical pointers mix themselves together with little effort, inventing a sexual language that communicates quite effectively. Open your dialogue here and I promise it will open your experience.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Making Love Sustainable: Getting out of our own way

Wendy — Fri, 17 Dec 2010 09:01:00 -0700

“Confronted by outstanding merit, there is no way of saving one's ego except by love” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

One of the single biggest life lessons that can change both your relationships and your ability to succeed is to learn to get out of your own way. Generally we learn this lesson in hindsight, after we have already squandered an opportunity or harmed one of our relationships. This happened in my life on both fronts this week and so now I am practicing a healthy dose of the self-forgiveness lesson instead.

photo via genista

The recent release of a book on Eco-Sex that borrowed from my tagline on making love sustainable was the first example of my ego blocking me from my own success. I still remember the day that I got the email from Stephanie Weiss about providing samples for her new book on Eco Sex. She had found our eco love products first and was excited to include them in her book, which has received national attention by the way. Her publishing house’s former editor had been talking to me about this book idea before she had left. My own book’s progress was languishing. Needless to say, all I could see was red and Good Clean Love products are not featured in her book as they could easily have been. Perfect, out of the book example of ego getting in your own way.

Even more painful is when we see our egos lead us astray in our relationships. They whisper in our ears in a quiet yet determined beat about how our partner is not interested in spending time with us or willing to extend themselves in some social situations. The tune doesn’t have to play too long and we slip into a negative bias about all that our relationship doesn’t provide, completely overlooking and minimizing all the places where our partner shows up and sacrifices silently every day. My ego has still not learned the critical lesson of the benefit of the doubt. My ego still does not have the capacity to trust that even if my feelings are currently being hurt, that my partner is doing the best that he can.

The crux of the issue in both these situations was that my feelings were hurt. I didn’t have to turn it into a losing battle about the right to some words, or even who got the deal with a publisher. Looking back at how my feelings controlled my behavior at that time, I feel silly and small. In the same way, I don’t have to spin the story of my husband’s disinterest or unavailability into a weekend long competition about who extends themselves more for the other. There is no winning in the one-up game, just senseless hurtful words that only increase the distance that I am suffering from anyway.

My ego rarely leads me to what my heart actually wants. If I couldn’t have gotten the book contract, I wish I could have used my heart so I could be included in it. If I can’t get my husband to be interested in what I want to do, I don’t have to trash all that he does do. I can just have my wounded heart, look at it and go on without turning the relationship in on itself. Healthy relationships add health and years to your life. Unhealthy ones are worse than being alone. I surrender. I know that what I want is not coming from my ego, it is a perspective that requires heart. I am not sure how many days in my life I will have to learn the lesson of which voice I want to listen for, but I am ready to give up the half truths that feel like the whole story when my ego is bruised and my feelings are hurt. How about you?

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Intimate Mindfulness

Wendy — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 11:00:00 -0700

“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” Thich Nhat Hanh

The practice of mindfulness , originated within Buddhist traditions but has been adapted into a healing modality for a wide range of illnesses. Impressive study results confirm the power of focusing our attention with intention on improving biological functioning on everything from cancer recovery, immune response and chronic pain.

photo via emilianohorcada

Recently a Canadian sexologist Lori Brotto, has applied this ancient technique of mindfulness to sexual dysfunction with heartening results. “We spend far too much time worrying about whether we're 'normal' or good enough," says Brotto. "Mindfulness is about cutting out that kind of noise and tapping into what your body is doing." Her research shows that many sexual dysfunction symptoms aren’t generally caused by physiological wiring problems, but more often by a psychological mind- body disconnect.

Applying the practice of mindfulness to our intimate experiences is healing, not only because we commit ourselves to being fully present, but we do so with a non-judgmental eyes and a gentle heart. Often, the disconnect we have to our natural sexual libido comes as a result of the over-thinking that our unspoken sexual insecurities and fears create.

It doesn’t really matter what kind of anxiety you bring to the bedroom, whether it is performance anxiety or fears about achieving orgasm, as soon as the mind starts spinning, you leave the present moment and trigger the physiological flight/fight response which makes it impossible to focus on the sensations in your body. Thoughts of work, family concerns or body issues literally take you away from the visceral experience of contact. This is where the mind turns off the feelings in your body. Forget about arousal, you might not even feel someone pinch you when you are lost in a mind out of control.

A good way to begin to quiet the mind and bring yourself into the moment is to rely on the senses. Sensuality is really nothing more than connecting to your senses deeply. It is in the smallest of sensations that this practice comes alive. For instance, actually feel the different textures of skin on your partner’s body, or feel the weight of their hands on your lower abdomen, run your fingers through their hair, trace their face with your lips. Giving these moments are full attention says love.

It was waking up to the power of scent that first deeply shifted my ability to be fully present in my own intimacy.   This is how I started my love company, Good Clean Love. The greatest pleasure I have in life is when my husband says he is “smoking me” when we lay together. Being consumed in your sense of smell with someone you love carries the intrinsic power of presence.

Mindfulness takes practice. Incorporating some silent times alone where you can learn to notice and watch your mind at work is a good foundation for the practice in the bedroom. Letting go of erroneous thoughts on your own will help when you get distracted with a partner. Learning to stay focused on the sensations you experience with your partner can be more challenging than it sounds.   This is why mindfulness has always been associated with loving kindness. Mindfulness has a snowball effect in life, it’s effects have a slow progression that eventually changes the way you live.

What better place to practice it, then with the person you love.   Showing up mindfully and experiencing the remarkable range of sensations that physical love and arousal creates in the body is transformative in your relationship and your life. There is no higher gateway to transcendence.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy

GreenGirls — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 09:21:00 -0700

Our Love Guru Wendy’s first book, built around years of her Sustainable Love writing, tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and creating healthy intimate lives. Love That Works is an essential handbook for the daily practice of learning to cultivate the renewable resources of loving relationships and family.

Excerpt:

“We all live in a laboratory of love-if we are awake. Every day, there are opportunities to learn to love the people who inhabit your world. Some days it comes out looking just like you planned. Some days, the relationship is so far off that it is barely recognizable. Most days, we all live somewhere in between striving to see the best in others and to act from the best in ourselves.” ... more

Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy
By Wendy Strgar, Loveologist, Good Clean Love

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

The Elusive Orgasm

Wendy — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 08:31:00 -0700

Orgasm is elusive for millions of women. Many studies, including a 2001 global study of 27,000 participants from 30 countries on sexual behavior revealed that orgasmic dysfunction is the norm rather than the exception. One third of all women have never experienced an orgasm and the second third rarely experience orgasm. Orgasmic dysfunction is not just a woman’s story; equal numbers of men suffer from a range of issues that hinder their ability to experience orgasm.

Orgasm is a natural biological response that is built into our bodies, yet often gets buried with time and cultural conditioning. The American rate of anorgasmic women is three times higher than anorgasmic women in Europe; a finding that is both mysterious and revealing when you consider the very different cultural view and education that sex is given in different countries. For many women the lack of education about sexual functioning and the rampant misinformation and negative cultural connotations of sexuality blocked normal sexual curiosity and exploration.

Orgasms are as unique as each individual who experiences them. The wide variety of intensity, location and stimulus that contribute to and creates orgasm plays a big part in the mystery that many women experience in identifying what their own orgasm feels like. Interestingly, studies have found that the confusion about experiencing orgasm goes both ways- some women claim having an orgasm and show no bodily response, while other women who do have classic response like vaginal contractions and heart racing believe that nothing has happened. The modern mythology and (dare I say it; pornography) of orgasm looms so large that many women are not even sure how to identify their own.

Of all the coveted human experiences, what makes orgasm so elusive is that it cannot be forced. Even many methods of cajoling seem to backfire. Orgasm is not under our conscious control, which actually is the quality that may make it difficult for so many people to find. Betty Dodson, the famous sex therapist that used to hold masturbation sessions for women once said that “orgasm is where the body takes over.” This makes sense because the experience of orgasm often feels like a burst of pleasure, bliss, and emotional and physical release. In fact, the moment of orgasm creates such a complete release that the brain center that controls anxiety and fear is switched off.

Giving yourself over to orgasm is a leap. Some people describe it as the same feeling you get when you slide down the top of a large roller coaster hill. Taking the dive requires the ability to be completely in the present moment and to feel entirely safe. It isn’t that surprising then, that statistically, your chances of having an orgasm are much better on your own than with a partner.

Letting go of your judgments about sexuality, and digging deep into the fears and insecurities that most of us carry about our sexual history, preferences and behaviors is a challenge that many relationships face. Many people spend their lives married to people with whom they can’t even say the word “masturbate,” let alone imagine sharing the act. Not being able to disclose or trust our sexuality holds our orgasm hostage.

Finding a language to explore this exciting experience of letting go and having the courage to change your thinking and habits to discover this elusive place is the subject of Vivienne Cass’s “The Elusive Orgasm.” In a therapeutic workbook style, which guides the student to rethink her relationship to her own sexuality and make the changes to experience it, this book is a great introduction to uncovering the sexual pleasure that is our birthright.

The good news is that the more orgasms you have, the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. Learning about your own sexual response and developing your orgasmic potential will bring both immediate gratification and long-term satisfaction. As with any skill based human motor function, all bodies come equipped with the tools for orgasm, yet without the proper education and opportunity to practice, many people never successfully achieve the synergy of mind, body and spirit to release this very unique and revelatory experience. It is a quest worthy or our time and attention.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Making Love Sustainable: Basically Good

Wendy — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 09:33:00 -0700

Confidence in the goodness of another is good proof of one's own goodness. Michel de Montaigne

photo via the round peg

Many relationships suffer from a lack of self-esteem. A relationship’s self esteem is connected to that of the partner’s but it also has a life of its own. Genuine esteem is founded in the courage to see oneself truly, both the positive and negative aspects of who we are and how we function and malfunction in the world. This path, which the Buddhists have called the path of the warrior, instructs that even through struggle and difficulty, we thrive in the openness of true knowing and seeing. The courage to confront the brittle edges and the messy corners of our own life and how we relate to others offers its own reward: acknowledging our brokenness is also the gateway to our ability to bear witness to our own basic goodness.

“Whenever you see a bright and beautiful color, you are witnessing your own inherent goodness. Whenever you hear a sweet and beautiful sound, you are hearing your own basic goodness. Whenever you taste something sweet or sour, you are experiencing your own basic goodness.... Things like that are always happening to you, but you have been ignoring them, thinking that they are mundane and unimportant, purely coincidences of an ordinary nature…. Slowly, you begin to realize that you are able to feel the freshness of realizing your own goodness, again and again.” Chögyam Trungpa

Our relationships are perhaps the most generous and gentle teacher of this lesson in basic goodness available to us. No one knows my most brittle edges and the places where my heartache can break me like my husband. For years, when our relationship would bring out these places in me, it was easy to blame him. At the same time, I didn’t recognize the many small moments of tenderness and attentiveness in our life as the inherent and basic goodness in us that it was. My identification with what was broken in us became habitual. Being a warrior in our own lives and in our relationships is a steep slope.

Years of practice helped me learn that it was never really my husband, or for that matter anyone else, that brought up the harshest parts of who I am. The work of creating something good out of what often feels like not enough brought us both to our knees at times. This was also true about the places where we each shined. It wasn’t really the other person that provoked that steadfast patience with self or others, it was the basic goodness of what we were doing together, usually in the smallest details of life that lifted our head above the water line.

Making a practice of recognizing your basic goodness in the beauty surrounding you will change how you look at the world. Bringing that practice into your relationship and acknowledging the basic goodness that our relationships offer us, especially when they drive us crazy, will change how you live with others. Acknowledging the soft space of coming home, celebrating of all the little details of making a home with someone offers endless opportunities for recognizing the goodness in our lives and our selves.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/

Pleasure is a close cousin to gratitude if not its twin

Wendy — Wed, 24 Nov 2010 08:41:00 -0700

“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving.” Kahlil Gibran

Gratitude is a visceral response. It is a creative burst of energy that springs from us, with a single purpose, to do good in the world. Gratitude cracks the heart wide open and fills us up. We are loved, we are able to love. Carry this feeling into your bedroom the next time it is flowing with your partner and be prepared for the most gratifying sex of your life.

Start with your own body. The cascade of chemical reactions that occur with perfect synchronicity to open you to the remarkable and transformative experience of orgasm is just short of miraculous. Consider the moments when everything feels good in the body. Well fed, rested, exercised and feeling strong. Experiencing the clarity of these moments, at peace in a human body is ecstatic. Sharing this body moment with someone you love is an epiphany.

Consider your partnership. Through thick and thin, knowing that someone is truly at your back provides the foundation to forge on. Imperfect communications, the drive that keeps you working to connect, that keeps you both devoted to being understood. Safe in their thoughts, the relationship is a nest, a haven to figure out who you are and what you want. To be loved for yourself, in spite of yourself, without doubt. Praise and gratitude for partnerships that help us learn how to love.

Combine these elements into a warm bed and the magical mystery of making love is nothing if not a dance of gratitude. How and why we do the things that our sexual drive awakens in us, in the deepest recesses of our brain, we can’t explain to ourselves, let alone anyone else, but it doesn’t matter. Safe to be yourself, or whoever else comes to mind between the sheets, you let go and follow instinct willingly.

Pleasure is a close cousin to gratitude if not its twin. Giving and receiving feels like the same act. Allowing yourself the wonderous and indescribable sensations that only intimate pleasure creates is like entering a new universe. The clitoral organ system sings and inner and outer are indistinguishable. Touch is actually its own language that has all the nuance, depth and meaning that words convey, maybe more. The expression of gratitude without words changes how you look at each other.

System reset. That is what grateful sex does. Each nerve fiber is soothed, the connections between heart, mind and body are restored, balanced. The peace and calm
which settles between you is more than just a relief. It is getting back to the center, the truth of why you are together. Gratitude transforms and nowhere more deeply than in the body, between two bodies in love.

Learn more about Wendy at http://www.goodcleanlove.com/