LA Deli

Just when your ears thought it was safe to go back into Groove Armada

Deli Llama — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:05:32 +0000

IT’S MEL TIME!!! Yes, it’s been several days since we had MEL GIBSON AND THE ORDER OF THE CUNT follow up, MEL GIBSON AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABLOWME and MEL GIBSON AND THE JACUZZI OF SECRETS. So it’s party time and this time, Oksana isn’t just a cunt, but she’s a bitch cunt gold digging More >

Can you crush a couple of pills up and just serve them in ice cream?

Deli Llama — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 00:36:15 +0000

The internationally famous vocal powerhouse that is Katie Price decided that the world needed more of her beautiful live performing talents and took to classy and respected morning show GMTV to put in an elegant performance of her sure-to-be #1 single* ‘Free To Love Again‘. Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, mass-suicides were reported across much More >

Mel Gibson really wants to be blown.

Deli Llama — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 18:40:02 +0000

One of the things that have emerged from Mel Gibson’s quadrology of epic audio tapes is that he really, really want’s to be blown. Like whilst Mel may think Oksana is a cunt/whore/slut/bitch/ whatever else, he still needs her to know that he deserves to be blown. So she can be a cuntwhoreslutbitch all she More >

I wish Askars would drunkenly molest me too.

Deli Llama — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 21:58:00 +0000

Let’s not lie. The idea of Alexander Skarsgard drunkenly and perhaps otherwise stripping and trying everything in his power to have raw sexual contact with you is pretty much the image you’ve always wanted to imagine, but never quite been able to get over the obvious disparity between the way he looks and you look More >

Mel Gibson is as pleasant as he is kind.

Deli Llama — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 18:57:47 +0000

When you’re trying to woo the heart of your standoffish wife, what better way to do it than to call her a whore, cunt, and tell her she’s a piece of shit and that she show blow you because you deserve it whilst your crazy cool wife is just like chilling out watching Days of More >

SHUT IT DOWN. SHUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.

Deli Llama — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 22:33:23 +0000

It’s bad enough that Jordan pranced her orangutan ass into a sound booth to let autotune haul her ass over a song as it sweated and strained violently, but this fuckery is too much. Alice Deejay called from 1999 to say “You can keep my reject song, bitch!” and the British public called to say More >

Edward Norton gets the side-eye from Marvel

Deli Llama — Sun, 11 Jul 2010 18:00:07 +0000

After being dropped from playing Bruce Banner in any future Incredible Hulk incarnations, Edward Norton got a nice little dose of “Fuck You” dropped in his press box today, as Marvel went public to sassback him for being kind of a dick. Some marvel bigwig named Kevin Feige decided that they’d basically like to have More >

Mel Gibson’s career just died on a pavement.

Deli Llama — Sat, 10 Jul 2010 17:27:31 +0000

Well Mel Gibson already made slurs towards the most powerful people in Hollywood; so why not against half of the world? Yes the above clip is the much talked about ‘Mel Gibson being racist and evil towards his wife’ clip. Listen as he calls her a whore, marvel when he says her fake tits look More >

NEWSFLASH: Lindsay Lohan a trainwreck and bitch.

Deli Llama — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 21:47:48 +0000

Yes this is the Lindsay Lohan Burning At the Pyre brigade, but look at this video of Lindsay Lohan and people kissing her ass. The Lioness is coming out to search for some CRACK and then smoke some SHIT whilst she flings things at some dude and tells him not to touch her hair.

Well, you would do, wouldn’t you?

Deli Llama — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 19:29:29 +0000

If you were Lindsay Lohan’s Lawyer you’d either A. Be cutting yourself at night. B. Be high as a kite. C. Run for the hills! Man the harpoons! Well, not even a week after LiLo got her ass handed to her by a judge, her lawyer decided to quit that tragedy. Shawn Chapman Holley decided More >

Lindsay Lohan should win an Oscar

Deli Llama — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 20:30:18 +0000

I never thought i’d say that, but watch the video in this post to see what i mean. That heart wrenching performance was followed up with the Judge saying “Good, but your no Meryl Streep! Off to the chokey you bitch!”

Lindsay Lohan is going to the chokey!

Deli Llama — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 22:46:30 +0000

Oh holy night, the stars are shining brightly, and that dumb drunk whore Lindsay Lohan is finally getting what she’s bloody needed for the past decade in a nice hefty 3 month jail stint! Lilo’s drunken nasty ass will be up for business soon as a judge ordered Lilo to 90 days prison and 90 More >

Why Vengaboys, Why?

Deli Llama — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:24:51 +0000

The Vengaboys were my crack in the late 90′s with such smash hit’s as ‘Boom Boom Boom Boom!’ and ‘We Like To Party’. It was probably a given that i’d grow up to be some aspect of a homo, but not even my level of homo can tolerate the following, which is like what would More >

LA-Deli crosses 1 million. Happy ID4 Day

Deli Llama — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 18:32:04 +0000

LA Deli, the new and improved incarnation of The Deli, has finally crossed the 1 million visitors mark a few weeks ago. Like Heidi and Spencer, we are the hardest working attention whores in our business, so this is an occasion for us to print a giant “1 MILLION” sign and hold it up as More >

Eclipse leaves a lot of seats moist this weekend.

Deli Llama — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 17:34:20 +0000

We all knew that Eclipse would have girls, women and gays who should no better jumping up and down sprinkling glitter out of their assholes like perverted pinatas, but Twihards proved that no one in the world is more dedicated to the cause of mass fuckery this weekend. Eclipse has made $261 million worldwide for More >

You have beautiful wrists Liza.

Deli Llama — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:37:55 +0000

Thanks to Rich @ FourFour for this gift from the gods above!

Hey Y’all mah head is fallin off!

Deli Llama — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 11:43:49 +0000

Here’s Britney Spears on the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine in which she gives three word answers to a range of obscure questions, and in the process gives her most revealing interview since Diane Sawyer made her cry. This cover would be a success story if… ‘The Sex Angle that Intensifies Female Pleasure’ was shown with More >

Jessica Simpson is still looking healthy.

Deli Llama — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 13:22:44 +0000

And by healthy i mean her titties are so giant that they’ve petitioned for state status and theres a panel of senators masturbating furiously in deliberation. Yes, Here is Jessica Simpson making Jennifer Garner look like an A-Cup and telling Brooke Shields to go back to Vietnam with the other trannies. Not since Mariah Carey More >

Some shit is going on with Megan Fox’s face.

Deli Llama — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 00:07:45 +0000

Megan Fox recently turned up to the premiere of her new smash hit, critically acclaimed hit in a demure blouse and loose black trousers wearing glasses and a long overcoat, reflecting her metamorphosis into a more serious actress who’s incredibly performance in the movie demands respect for more than just her natural beauty. Just kidding of course. More >

Some shit is going on with Catherine Zeta-Jones’ face

Deli Llama — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:45:49 +0000

Catherine Zeta-Jones is known for her elegance, grace and ‘timeless beauty’. But it would appear that time has come knocking and it’s pretty pissed. I mean, what is going on here? I am guessing that girlfriend is learning the hard way that lying-yourself-younger (40?!) is not the way when you get older. I feel she’s More >

Jordan employs slave army to bottle her nasty-ass perfume.

Deli Llama — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 21:02:26 +0000

UK drugstore chain Superdrug have announced that they’ve pulled Katie Price’s fragrances on “ethical grounds”. It’s too easy!!! Save me from myself!!! Unfortunately, the ethical grounds weren’t based on concern for the consumers sense of smell or dignity, nor were they based on an ethical attempt to euthanize Katie Price’s career. Sadly it was based More >

Cat Piss now available via Avon.

Deli Llama — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 17:50:07 +0000

First there was Cheeto Fantasy by Britney Spears, then there was My Lovely Horse by Sarah Jessica Parker, and now theres Outpouring by Fergie. Sorry, that’s Outspoken by Fergie. Fergie’s new fragrance “boasts notes of jasmine, tuberose, starfruit and passion flower with black leather” So basically the smell of a strip club then. They obviously More >

Salma Hayek REALLY dislikes snakes.

Deli Llama — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 21:11:54 +0000

Watch this video as Salma Hayek basically lays a fucking egg on top of Maya Rudolph when she sees a snake on the floor, and proves that even top heavy girls can do impressive balancing acts in heels when they really need to.

Also an analogy for virginity and vajayjay.

Deli Llama — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 00:02:35 +0000

Avril Lavigne chose to call her fragrance “Forbidden Rose”. I for one am surprised that she didn’t call it any of the more obvious choices like “Hot Topic”, “Black, Pink and Teardrops” or even “Lavigne: The Twihard Saga”. The narrator invites you to “dare to discover” Avril’s “Forbidden Rose“. Which i would except that she-male More >

This is what true heartache looks like.

Deli Llama — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:34:44 +0000

I know, it’s heartbreaking to see pictures like the one above, but you must pull yourself together for the following graphic journey into the very core of heartache. I never realize that I’ve actually never felt real lovehurt until i saw these touching and deeply emotional pictures of Saint Heidi Montag of Beverley mourning the fake More >

It’s just the elastic giving way.

Deli Llama — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 23:16:47 +0000

Radaronline has an EXCLUSIVE! GROUNDBREAKING REPORT! EXCLUSIVE! That Mariah Carey is holding a baby bratwurst inside of her weinerstraussen aka THE BITCH GOT PREGNANT. Now, Radar Online are of course a reliable source of hard-hitting journalism, albeit journalism done by an army of retarded geese, so I have no reason to doubt them other than More >

The Pube and The Pony split

Deli Llama — Sun, 30 May 2010 09:27:52 +0000

Speidi, also known as the most beautiful, natural and raw celebrity couple the world has ever seen, have called it quits after Heidi was worried Spencer’s pube beard would give her a rash on her new ultra-sensitive chin. Heidi dumped that pube-sock asshole because, wait for it, she was tired of him controlling her life More >

Uh Oh.

Deli Llama — Thu, 27 May 2010 19:22:29 +0000

Immediately after watching this video I called homeland security to ensure that they still definitely had nuclear weaponry, because now that Heidi’s skipped a few stages of education to go straight to “shooting shit up” then we are definitely going to need to keep our fingers near that button. A dumb, fame hungry blonde with More >

This was an actual story: Jake Gyllenhaal ‘nearly’ injured face.

Deli Llama — Thu, 20 May 2010 20:00:36 +0000

I know when celebrities are working the interview rounds they have to try and act as though they aren’t the sinfully boring, irritatingly demanding and narcissistic creatures that they truly are; but Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t even trying for Prince of Persia. This is an actual quote that news publications and online press have run as a story. More >

Michael Bay says BOOM to Megan Fox.

Deli Llama — Thu, 20 May 2010 19:39:34 +0000

Lets face it, Megan Fox is the luckiest skank in the game. She can’t act for shit and she must have given more than just a dozen or twenty handjobs to get her role in Transformers. But after she’s been caught bitching about Michael Bay and after crew members released an open-letter calling her a More >

Burbank needs more Botox stat!

Deli Llama — Wed, 19 May 2010 18:47:11 +0000

Vanessa Williams used to keep at least six cosmetic surgeons in constant employment when she shot Ugly Betty in NYC, So now she’s moving to L.A to film Desperate Housewives, there’s going to be some sort of critical meltdown in the west coast supply-demand situation for Botox, in that the demand (totally catered for by the cast More >

Rihanna should probably get some part-time work

Deli Llama — Mon, 10 May 2010 21:17:01 +0000

In these difficult times Rihanna might want to look into a career that involves no singing or dancing, because her latest attempt at a moonwalk shows that she’s one bad producer away from career ruin. Rihanna’s attempt at the moonwalk looks more like A garbage truck backing up to the pavement than a sexy Jacko More >

Vanessa Carlton attacked by Pit Bull.

Deli Llama — Sun, 09 May 2010 23:25:18 +0000

LA-Deli’s favoured source of angsty piano tunes Vanessa Carlton has been attacked by an escaped pit bull when she was jogging near her family home in Pike County. The White Houses singer suffered five puncture wounds in her leg, and the dog has been quarantined to see if it develops any signs of rabies. Fingers crossed for Vanessa More >

Any video with a giant nipple man is okay by me.

Deli Llama — Sat, 01 May 2010 20:30:15 +0000

Here is Alexandra Burke’s video for her pretty awesome new pop track All Night Long which involves a giant man with a nipple as a hat.

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Deli Llama — Sat, 01 May 2010 17:29:10 +0000

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