Throws Left, Bats Right

Funniest Thing I've Seen in Months

2009-06-19T11:01:00.000-04:00

Shocking.

2009-06-18T17:27:00.001-04:00

Is this "Kate Minus One" or "Jon Minus Nine?"

Wednesday Addams

2009-06-03T12:20:00.002-04:00

I have figured out the perfect way to combat these afflictions: don't run.

It's National Running Day and I wish I could properly celebrate it.

This time every year, for the last decade or so, I have tried to do something to kick-start the running career again. And as each year ticks on the odometer, it becomes harder and harder. I wish I could run again. Anyone want to loan me a healthy right leg?

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This makes TOO much sense.

Watch the Barclay's Premier League. The WNBA is not exactly printing its own money. So kudos to the Mercury for tapping into the previously untapped revenue streams.

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Rodney Harrison retired today.

Admittedly, I was a huge Rodney Harrison fan. I loved the way he played the game. I loved him in the defensive backfield for two of the Patriots' Super Bowl victories and look forward to his broadcasting career.

But.

Let us not overlook the fact he used performance-enhancing drugs as a professional athlete. He cheated.

His hard-hitting ways earned him respect and accolades from fans in San Diego and New England. The wideouts who took the flying hits from #37 respectfully disagreed.

Year after year, Harrison was voted as a dirty player - if not the dirtiest - by his NFL peers.

By his actions of using HgH, everyone should look at him as dirty.

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I'd mess this up.

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That is all. When's Wednesday over?

TLBR's 2 cents on David Ortiz

2009-06-01T17:07:00.005-04:00

(since I'm seemingly the only Red Sox fan/blogger/Red Sox fan with a blog that hasn't chimed in on L'Affaire du Papi, here goes...enjoy)

Here's my two cents on the David Ortiz-not-hitting-his-weight-when-he-played-for-the-Wisconsin Timber Rattlers.

The Red Sox are screwed.

Maybe Ortiz rights the ship, gets himself to a point where he's hitting .250, with 20+ homers and knocking on the door of 100 RBI, and all would be well. With him hitting a buck-eighty-nine, the Sox are still a half-game out of first in the AL East (basically because the Yanks have played a AAA schedule for the last month). But that's baseball's fool's gold.

If not - if he has truly hit the wall - then the Sox have no recourse but to ride it out or take a huge financial hit.

As it is, Ortiz plays no position in the field. And when he was the runner-up for the 2006 Most Valuable Player award, we all heard that argument when A-Rod wrongly won the trophy. (funny, when I type in "10" into position into my baseball stat program, it accepts it...moving right along...)

But without him using his first baseman's mitt but 7-8 times a year during the regular season - and hopefully 4-7 times during the World Series - when it's gametime, he hits and sits.

So if Ortiz were to be platooned at DH, it would greatly diminish the Sox' depth - which (the depth), I think, is somewhat of a fallacy. Perhaps the return of Mark Kotsay helps that, but not a whole heck of a lot. The Sox have a pretty weak bench.

But go back to the Ortiz-off-the-bench argument as a pinch hitter. In reality, there are two positions that would potentially PH for: shortstop and catcher. And it's most likely just SS.

You're not pinch hitting Ortiz for Youkilis (1B/3B), Pedroia (2B), Lowell (3B), Bay (LF), Ellsbury (CF), or Drew (RF). Francona has shown he'll PH for Drew, but with a righty (Baldelli at this point).

So if Ortiz PH's for Green or Lugo (or Jed Lowrie), then it's a three-person move: the player who comes out, the Ortiz at-bat, then the player who has to play SS next inning. If it's a game-winning inning, then all is bread and roses. But most likely not.

Ortiz is (most likely) not going to PH for Kottaras, because Varitek is going to take his spot in the field. And vice versa.

Potentially...and I mean potentially in that rare sort of instance where you need a long ball...Ortiz could PH for Ellsbury. But both are left-handed hitters, so there would not be a huge benefit in terms of a pitching matchup. And if Ortiz were to get on base, you have a very slow runner whereas Ellsbury getting on via a walk or a single has great potential to become a double.

A trade is very unlikely. What team is going to help Boston rid themselves of an $11-million dollar designated hitter that is closer to being designated (for assignment) than he is a hitter? What would it take to get - as the rumors say - Cleveland's Victor Martinez? At minimum, it would take Clay Buchholz, Manny Delcarmen, and then someone else. Aubrey Huff? No, thanks. Wily Mo Pena? I just giggled a bit. Although the Pats could use him at tight end.

Unlike the CF situation in 2007 and 2008, the Red Sox do not have a looming

replacement in the minors. There are no power hitters in the organization. There are very few available for trades. And there are even fewer in free agency. Matt Holliday (FA in 2009) comes to mind. Google his stats right now.

Additionally, the last few power hitters that did hit free agency were: Alex Rodriguez, Mark Teixeira, and Manny Ramirez. Google who their agent is.

The best the Sox can hope for is a reasonable facsimile of the early 2008 David Ortiz, with the numbers I listed at the top of the post. Methinks the 2004-2007 Big Papi is all gone-no more, save for the museum exhibits at Fenway and in Cooperstown.

The Sox have no home run hitters on their roster. They have guys that can hit home runs - Bay, Youkilis, Lowell, even Varitek so far - but none could be classified as "home run hitters." That title used to belong to Big Papi.

Any future titles are incumbent on Ortiz morphing into Stella and getting his groove back.

Cleveland YEAH!

2009-05-27T21:02:00.002-04:00

I've gotten these links sent to me numerous times and - in checking the YouTube hits - 1.5 million people have viewed them and hopefully laughed as hard as I did.

So without further ado, here are the two (hastily made) Cleveland Tourism videos.

(for the record, TLBR has been to Cleveland twice, voluntarily, and has enjoyed both trips.)

Just Some Monday Musings

2009-05-18T11:05:00.002-04:00

It'll be great when it stops shampooing raining. It's cold and rainy and I'm sick of it. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)? Perhaps I'm suffering.

Ok, onto some stuff that's been boiling over:

* One of my favorite jokes from the movie Good Morning Vietnam was "What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Army? The Boy Scouts don't have heavy artillery."

Well, apparently now they do.

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* This might be the greatest headline ever: "Citi Field Mets streaker emerges clothed, unapologetic after night in jail."

And the story? Even better.

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* Here's rooting for one of TLBR's favorite TL's - Dontrelle Willis. When he was pitching well, the D-Train was fun to watch. And off the field, in my brief stint as SportsTicker baseball reporter, he was engaging and a terrific interview. Hope he gets his form back.

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* Great line from NBC Nightly News' Brian Williams, regarding his off-the-camera life as a fan of all music blogger:

"I have a wife and two children and a house and a two-car garage and a dog. No one should fear me becoming a tragic hipster. I may be a hipster, but never tragic. I'm not going to bars in Brooklyn and drinking PBRs."

The entire interview can be read here. And for the record, there's nothing tragic about drinking PBR. It's not only economical, but it's damned good beer.

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* I'm wondering when the decision was made that we care about the vice president? I suppose it's relevant, considering the hate-monger (best case), borderline Satanic (worst case) that we just had for the last eight years essentially ran the country.

And it was probably relevant this past election, when the old, bitter dude had the young, dumb chick as his running mate...one heartbeat away from the Oval Office, you betcha.

But even now that Change has come to America, can we get a big "Yes, We Can" to the STFUVP movement?

Joe Biden should never talk. Ever. Unless someone else writes his remarks for him.

I tend to be liberal with my social conscience, conservative with my fiscal and judicial responsibilites. I think we can have civil dialogue with our enemies, while also dispensing the proper amount of justice in the proper setting.

I'd rather not torture terror suspects. But if they don't get three hots and a cot, and are mildly uncomfortable, I'm fine with that. If the floors of the prisons are slippery and, whoops, they fall down (repeatedly, over and over, until something gives...), then I'm fine with it.

Just don't tell me. Don't make it public. Just make it happen. Go to a used book store and buy a copy of "The Prince." In some cases, the ends do justify the means.

Back to Biden - we do not need to know where the VP's secret bunker is. We do not need to know where the shadow cabinet and Congress get shipped to in case of global calamity.

National secrets should remain as such. Our national leaders should have enough intelligence and foresight to know that.

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That is all. Time to go back to being miserable.

Lunchtime videos

2009-05-12T12:34:00.002-04:00

Something to do while eating lunch...enjoy:

Filing Through

2009-05-11T17:33:00.001-04:00

From the "You Can Take the Idiot out of New Jersey, but you can't take the New Jersey out of the Idiot" file:

In the second quarter, there was a play where Rondo outrebounded Dwight Howard, to which Rondo was knocked out of bounds and into the first row of "Gucci seats."

Some guy with a blue shirt stood up and was yelling at Rondo and (potentially) the official - both of whom were within earshot. And from what I can remember, the guy had a kid next to him, wearing a white hat.

It was YOU, Ernest Provetti. (Just in case you wonder what he looks like, check out his Facebook page)

And funny, as the play was unfolding, you were closer to the court than Stan Van Gundy.

Nice double-standard, ass. If you don't want golf balls in your yard, don't move near a golf course.

If you don't want to get run over by pro basketball players, don't sit in the front row.

On an aside, his son was the only person on the floor to get a body on Big Baby down the stretch, so credit to him for that.

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From the "Beats the Alternative" and "Boy, that last name is ironic" files":

First of all, I have a giant problem with the notion of "celebrity priest." The Pope has that job.

Secondly, oh hell, it's better than a 10-year old altar boy. It's a 35-year old woman. It might be against the church rules, but it's perfectly normal from where I'm sitting.

And his last name - Cutié - c'mon, you can't make this shampoo up.

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From the "First time TLBR has ever purposely talked about NHL hockey" file:

Look, I care about the Bruins because they're winning. When they no longer win, then I no longer watch/care.

But the sucker punch from last night's Hurricanes/Bruins game by Scott Walker to the face of defenseman Aaron Ward deserved a suspension.

My dad was a hockey player. I was not. I would not have been able to stay on the ice, mostly because I couldn't skate. But also, if something like this happened to me or my teammate, I'd go apeshit.

So maybe it's a bigger punishment for Scott Walker to be on the ice as opposed to in the upper press box...

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That's it for today.

Another TLBR Exclusive: Manny Ramirez Opens Up

2009-05-08T10:04:00.003-04:00

On July 31, Manny Ramirez gave Throws Left, Bats Right an exclusive interview* in what was believed to be his most extensive post-trade comments after being shipped to the L.A. Dodgers.

Ramirez, recently banned by Major League Baseball for violation of its drug policy, again joined TLBR for another post-ban exclusive.**

(* - not really; ** - ibid)

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Manny, thanks for joining us for this exclusive interview. It's been a very interesting 24 hours, so let's jump right into the questions.

Q: First off, as you know, steroids in baseball is a big problem. And so is peer pressure. Throughout your career, did you ever feel the need to use performance-enhancing drugs by any of your teammates or friends in baseball?

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Q: You've been banned for 50 games for failing one of Major League Baseball's drug tests. The drug in question is human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG). It's prescribed use is for female fertility. It's abused by steroid users to kickstart testosterone levels. You say it was for a personal medical problem, reportedly sexual disfunction. Can you explain what you were using it for?

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Q: Did it work?

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Q: There are several rumored side-effects to the drug, one of which makes it difficult to rub your belly and pat your head at the same time: Is this true?

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Q: Is it true that using steroids gives you the ability to make objects levitate?

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Q: Another side effect is taking on female characteristics - A-Rod was reportedly called "bitch tits" - did you see yourself taking on any female characteristics?

(No, I said female characteristics...)
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Q: Have you recovered from the sexual disfunction issues?

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Q: What would happen if you and Don King had children?

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Q: Can you show me what an airplane does?

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Q: And how do you start the chicken dance?

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Q: Can you show me your best 'Lil Jon impression?

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Q: You're out of baseball for the next 50 games. What will you do to stay in shape?

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Q: Back to the peer pressure thing, who gave you the most information or best advice regarding using steroids?

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Q: From Clemens, to Giambi, to Pettitte, to Kevin Brown, to Jason Grimsley, to Gary Sheffield, to Bobby Estalella, to Mike Stanton, to Ron Villone, and most recently to A-Rod, how did your current manager take the news that he had another key player under his control accused of using steroids?

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Thanks for joining us again Manny. Enjoy your time off beteeen now and July 3.

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Have a good weekend everyone...

April Showers Bring May Bloggers...

2009-05-04T16:52:00.001-04:00

Off of the Isle of Elba, the self-imposed blog exile is on furlough, Willie Horton-style.

Remember Willie Horton? The furloughed criminal that committed unspeakable crimes while the dastardly liberal Michael Dukakis was governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts? Made you really reconsider who the real bad guy was then...unless you had a brain...which apparently very few of our countrymen had 21 years ago.

Well, driving in this morning (in the new vehicle...not new in the literal sense, but certainly in the possessive sense...) I heard two songs, back-to-back, that kind of summed up my previous night's television:

"Imagine" by John Lennon and "It's the End of the World As We Know It (and I feel fine)" by REM.

MSNBC, with it's all-Obama, all-hope, all-the-time programming, makes you forget that it's supposed to be objective news and not the Pax Network.

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

Swell, init? But we're still in the untenable (dare I say unwinnable) Iraq conflict, all the while Afghanistan is launching Taliban Vista (I'm a Mac), Pakistan continues to Ostrich all the problems around its borders, and old friend Yemen is looking at its Somali neighbors across the Gulf of Aden thinking, "hey, this anarchy thing isn't such a bad plan."

Then we have the Fox News, Ann Coulter/Sean Hannity/Dick Morris/Newt Gingrich cesspool crowd. Makes you want to buy a helmet. Or start a doomsday shelter in your basement. Canned peas, powdered milk, and a brand-spanking-new Sarah Palin model assault rifle. Good for killing raccoons and bunnies when the end is near, betchabygollywow.

That's great, it starts with an earthquake,
Birds and snakes and aeroplanes...

And the way things are being covered, even Lenny Bruce would be afraid of the global seventh sign that is the swine flu.

A local college here in the Biggest Little just held its commencement ceremonies...WITH NO HAND SHAKES. This due in large part to the, um, zero confirmed cases of the biggest thing to come along since, um, SARS. Which also killed zero people in Rhody. There are seven confirmed cases of people going to Mexico and getting colds.

Three other cases of people drinking too much Corona and waking up with a splitting headache have also been investigated.

I'd venture to guess that more people were afflicted with polio over the last year than will be "sick" with swine flu. This also coming from the Commissioner of Health, who said that "if you aren't feeling well and were planning on going to the doctor, you should still go."

Yes, I do believe he went to school for seven years for that grand plan. I'd revoke his pension, if it's still worth anything, after that stroke of genius.

Two songs, two messages (albeit, REM's was a wee bit sarcastic), two sentiments on how we see the world these days...good heavens...
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While we're on the topic of music, apologies for being a little late to the Sunday dinner table, but just bought the Kings of Leon's new one "Only By The Night."

Wow, and I do mean wow, I don't think I've bought an album since Pearl Jam's "Ten" or Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" where I had to stop and listen to every song and was floored by each and every track.

"Sex on Fire" is about as good a power ballad, hard-charging song as there has been in decades. And who doesn't love a good song about make-up sex?

It's all straight cash, homey.
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Looking forward to the Sox playing their first three at ~~Howard Lamade Stadium in Williamsport, Pa.~~ the new Yankee Stadium.

But if they don't play tonight or tomorrow due to rain, I'm fine with that - won't have to worry about flipping back and forth between the Celtics and Bruins games.

(don't worry, my ankles are taped up tightly for the jumps on and off each team's respective playoff bandwagon...)
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More on music (not moron music...), but I can't help but love Kelly Clarkson's "My Life Would Suck Without You" song.

Sounds like since her split from Clive Davis, someone produced her latest shampoo on a Casio keyboard and a three drum set from "Rock Band" on PS2.

But I love it. What can I say?
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Took a little vacay down to Key West (nice spot, probably needed two more days and 100 less beers, but it was nice) and brought with me one of two books that I could almost physically not put down: "The Unforgiving Minute," by Craig Mullaney.

Even though the author went to the same high school as I did, I'm not biased. It's an unbelievable book.

And if you haven't done "The Miracle of St. Anthony" by Adrian Wojnarowski, then set aside about a week and go belly-to-belly and back-to-back.
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The next time Julio Lugo turns a double play, someone should buy him a shampooing ice cream cone or take him for pizza after the game.

How shampooing bad is he? Alex Gonzalez farts in your general direction, Theo Epstein.
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Last bit about the Sox - and on the blog post - but it's 25 games and 14.1 innings into Manny Delcarmen's season and he just gave up his first earned run yesterday.

Ramon Ramirez is about the same in terms of innings thrown, and he allowed his first inherited runner to cross the plate - also in yesterday's game.

I'm perfectly content with this.

Perfectly content?

It IS the end of the world as we know it.

(RIP JG. Too young.)

Thursday - NCAA Tournament (and NIT) Primer

2009-03-19T11:23:00.002-04:00

Follow TLBR during the NCAA (and NIT) Tournaments on T(LBR)witter.

Today is the greatest day.

So without delay, here are TLBR’s official picks. Disclaimer: these picks are for fun only and not for gambling purposes. Because if you’re gambling and using my picks, you’re an idiot.

#1 North Carolina vs. # 16 Radford – Ty Lawson’s not playing, so that might make it a close game for 3 minutes more than it would have. Carolina.

#8 LSU vs. #9 Butler – I went with Butler, although LSU is a solid defensive team and head coach Trent Johnson’s been there. Close one, as an 8/9 game should be. Butler.

#5 Illinois vs. #12 Western Kentucky – Hilltoppers’ coach Kenny McDonald is from North Providence, R.I. WKU had a magical 1st round game last year and will have another one this year. WKU.

#4 Gonzaga vs. #13 Akron – The Zags have been out of the tournament after day one the previous two seasons. The Zips lost by 29 to the current employer. I go Zags.

#7 Clemson vs. #10 Michigan – Normally, I would never, ever, ever bet against John Beilein and his poetry motion offense. But Clemson might just have a little more in the tank. I go Clemson.

#2 Oklahoma vs. #15 Morgan State – I would have liked this matchup if it were Missouri, then I could make the joke that it would be the “Show-Me State” vs. the “Show-Cause Coach.” Oklahoma wins.

#6 UCLA vs. #11 VCU – Man, did I go back and forth on this one. Three letters or four? Maynor or Collison? Grant or Howland? Four letters. UCLA.

#3 Villanova vs. #14 American – TLBR is a big fan of both programs, both coaches, and hopes for a great game. Picking Villanova to win, but quietly rooting for Jeff Jones and the Eagles.

#7 Texas vs. #10 Minnesota – Texas has solid outside shooting in AJ Abrams but has been consistently inconsistent. I look for Tubby and the Gophers in the mild upset.

#2 Duke vs. #15 (Bada) Binghamton – I’ve heard an awful lot about the Bing in the last few days, of course none of it about this game. Duke by a lot.

#1 UConn vs. #16 Chattanooga – No 16 seed has ever beaten a 1 seed in the men’s tourney. That trend continues. UConn.

#8 BYU vs. #9 Texas A&M – Admittedly, I have not seen BYU and Lee Cummard play one single minute this season. So my pick of A&M is pure speculation.

#5 Purdue vs. #12 Northern Iowa – The 12-5 upset is in play here, although I think that Robbie Hummel and the Big 10 champion Boilermakers will prevail in the end. This will be the game CBS cuts over to for a nationwide audience.

#4 Washington vs. #13 Mississippi State – Two BCS conferences meet in a 4/13 game. Not a typical situation. Look for the non-Zeke Isaiah Thomas and Lo-Ro’s Huskies to win out.

#7 California vs. #10 Maryland – Earlier in the year, Gary Williams was on a 212 degree boiling hot seat. Now he’s in the dance. Live by the guard, die by the guard, and Greivis Vazquez is a game-changer. The Terps in a mild upset.

#2 Memphis vs. #15 Cal St.-Northridge – Coach Cal’s Tigers haven’t gotten much respect all season. Methinks this is game one of a six-game stretch which will bring them to Dee-troit.

That's all for my day one picks. Be sure to check back to TLBR for updates, or to the TLBR Twitter page for snarky 160-character one-liners. Perhaps even some poetry, courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.

Either way, it's all a beautiful thing. Enjoy the hoopage.

Late February stress leads to March Madness

2009-02-23T18:04:00.002-05:00

Ahhh...it's the eve of the most wonderful time of the year. Teams on the bubble try to move to the good side; team that are locks are playing for a high seed; and teams that know it's over are playing out the string.

But sometimes the best action happens after the game. Listed below are some of my favorites.

Enjoy.

(Emeka Okafor and Caron Butler vs. Ryan Gomes)

(Get some facts and get back to me)

(And some coaches...who I can guarantee will never be head coaches...)

(You remember that, when I see you, I'm gonna kick your ass.)

Enjoy the hoops and the pre-Madness madness. And TLBR isn't dead. Yet.

WE NEED A BAILOUT...NOW!

2009-01-21T16:01:00.000-05:00

Finally.

2009-01-12T14:17:00.003-05:00

A good friend and outstanding journalist just texted me six beautiful words: Jim Ed is in the Hall.

The headline on Boston.com read similarly. And like the immortal sound clip from Joe Castiglione, about a grounder to Foulke and a subsequent underhand toss, it choked me up.
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I moved home in September, 2006. Not my boyhood bedroom, as my family moved from Providence to Jamestown in 1998.

There are very few mementos from 102 Nelson St. My baseball cards and Legos made the move and are in a Rubbermaid bucket in the attic.

The new room has adult-level furniture. My old bedroom set pawned off to someone, via Milwaukee's Craigslist before the move to JTN. My old twin bed was been donated to the Salvation Army in New Rochelle, N.Y. in August, 2005.

But one thing remained from my childhood: a 1978 poster of Red Sox slugger James Edward Rice. Remember when Sports Illustrated used to have an ad in its pages on a weekly basis, with a long list of professional athletes in any number of the big four leagues (remember when there were four professional sports leagues??? but I digress...). The posters had the white borders, the players' name up top in times new roman, and an action shot with a facsimile of an autograph.

That Jim Rice poster is still hanging over my bed. It's from 1978 - his MVP season in which he hit .315, with 46 homers and 139 RBI. He had the old school red batting helmet on, with a surplus of afro on all sides.

It was a prized possession - and still is. It's coming with me to my next series of domiciles. The 1975 Topps Rice rookie card still remains a keepsake. I still have my 1978 New Era Red Sox cap. Since I was 3 years old, it doesn't fit - but I still have it.

And somewhere, among the Legos and baseball cards in the attic, there is a signed photo: "To Mike, best wishes, Jim Rice" that I got one afternoon at the Star Market in Olneyville. I might need to go dig that out.

What better way to celebrate 15 years of waiting than to break out the photo that has been preserved for 30 years or so.

Jim Ed Rice is in the Hall of Fame. Go ahead. Cry.

Remember when I used to blog about travel?

2008-12-30T00:10:00.002-05:00

9:10 p.m., San Jose, California.

See the subject? Remember when I used to blog about travel and trips?

Remember the angst I used to have? Remember the snarkiness? Remember the general fear, hatred, loathing for other people? That true Sartrian hell?

Guess who's tap, tap, tapping on my cellar door?
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I'm here in Mineta International Airport. I'm waiting for JetBlue flight 174, with non-stop service to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

And I ask not for your pity. Your sorrow. I ask not that you feel my pain. I just ask that you listen. Or in this particular medium, I just want you to read. I've got something to say (type) and I've got a while.

There is a 16, maybe 17-year old unwed teenage mother with a kid who looks like she just had Gerbers new Red Bull stewed carrots.

There is an ugly bizarro Maggie Gyllenhall (is that redundant?)

There's a 23-something, newly minted former co-ed who is telling whoever the shampoo she's talking to about all the shoe designers she likes, all while talking way too loud through an earpiece when she could just take the shampooing phone and put it to her shampooing ear and go to a less crowded shampooing place near the shampooing gate and talk about John shampooing Varvatos and Jimmy Choo and Reebok or whatever. Shampoo.

I sit in seat 3C. Crack baby is likely to be in 4C, screaming and kicking and tweeking the whole shampooing flight. Jake's fake ugly twin will likely be across the aisle. Sarah Jessica Punter will likely be in the middle. And I'll see what I can manage with $7 cocktails in the main cabin.

Oh, did I mention why I'm flying to JFK instead of BOS or PVD? Yeah, I got a game tomorrow night. 7 p.m.

So sleep will be at a premium on this 6.5 hour leg. Drinking is not an option. Awake is not an option. But guess what? I'm shampooing clear out of options.

Again, I ask not for your pity. I just want you to read.
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This is a 48-yard field goal near the end of a Super Bowl. Ken Walter to hold. Lonie Paxton to snap from the far hash mark. I hope Gil is screaming "it's good" when we land.

When I land at Kennedy, I'll wait for my bags. And then I'll wait for the NY Airport Service bus to the Port Authority on 42nd Street. Then I'll wait for NJ Transit bus 167 to Teaneck. Then I'll go to the airport, change, shower, and head to shootaround.

It's what I do. And unfortunately over the last decade or so, it's what I've become.

But over the last six days, who I am and what I've become has become terribly irrelevant. I've become another person. (trust me, that's a good, much welcomed, long overdue sort of thing).

So we'll chat later when I land.

Until then, qss.

It's Like My Specialty and Junk

2008-12-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

Bail This Blog Out

2008-12-06T08:35:00.002-05:00

A good friend and loyal reader asked me yesterday, "so how's work?"

In these economic times, that's a kind of taboo question. But since I'm pretty sure I'm not in the line of fire for downsizing, I answered it in that sort-of gentle, considerate way. You never know if someone just got the bop.

And with all the economics being bandied about now - and since I took a few econ classes in college, I've got all kinds of smarts about it - you have to watch the consumer price indexes, the LIBOR rate, short-term and long-term interest rates, how's the dollar matching up, etc.

Well, as usual, I done overthunk it.

It was a simple question.

He was asking if I was busy at work because "the blog hasn't been updated since the Red Sox were in the playoffs."

Has it been THAT long???

Yes. Yes it has.

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So let's catch up since the Sox got, channeling my inner Chris Tucker, knocked the shampoo out.

1. We got a new President. He a baller.

2. India exploded.

3. Lots of companies that ran themselves into the ground got rewarded for their ineptitude, then they took the money and said "shampoo you, I'm going to get a pedicure and pay for a hummer with your tax dollars."

4. I've worked too damn much.

5. 10 years of optimistic persistence paid off

That's pretty much it.

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So I've essentially driven this blog into the ground. Remember when it used to be updated up to three times a day?

Yeah, no.

Remember when it was cutting-edge stuff? Funny, even?

Ah, weren't those the halcyon days of...2005...

Well, this blog needs to get bailed out. Let me hop on the charter and go petition my case.

But first, off to the capital city in search of the only kind of W you can really embrace.

LET'S WORK.

College basketball's start delayed...

2008-10-17T00:49:00.002-04:00

Red Sox webclicks reign supreme for yet another day in the world of the Biggest Little's state newspaper. Nerds rejoice, ignorance is bliss!

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Hate to poop in the punchbowl, Sox enthusiasts, but the corpse of Josh Beckett (and his lukewarm heater) just isn't going to cut it. Heck of a way to close out the year, winning at the Fens, but it ends down at the concrete cowbell jungle of Vince Naimoli Memorial Tropicana Field.

It was nice to sleep and nice to have a cerebellum-splitting headache and nice to have the damned Blackberry (brought to you by the ALCS, or is it the other way around? or is it Frank TV?) buzzing with texts saying "do you believe?" or "do you believe this shit?" or "Red cast mojo."

I'm glad I missed all the crap parts of the game. It's like not watching "Titanic" until the boat starts to sink. (jesus, that sounded like Simmons).

Top 3 Joes of the last 24 hours:

3. Joe Maddon

2. Joe the Plumber

1. Joe Mama

Also receiving votes: Guy Ritchie

Best text message received so far tonight: "Sox should've traded for Manny this morning." Agreed. And clincher king D-Lowe.

Why is SportsCenter showing high school football highlights? HSGametime goes worldwide leader on me.

Joe Morgan just said that was a cutter that JD Drew hit.

Five years ago, at the same time on the clock (12:16 a.m.) that JD Drew hit his ground-rule double into right field at Fenway to beat the Rays...Aaron Boone hit the left field shot (second best text of tonight: "Score that play: HR") off the then-corpse of Tim Wakefield (I'm not dead...I feeeeeel, happppppy...I think I'll go for a walk...) in 2003.

And furthermore, that very same season, I earned my first invitation to leave a professional sporting venue...for heckling in the Giuliani seats at Yankee Stadium. One of the main culprits? Aaron Boone ("hey Aaron, I see you got the height and your brother got the talent..."). The team the Yankees were playing?

The Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays.

And Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln...

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I'm sleeping in tomorrow, so don't shampooing bother me.

(7-1, Rays, on Saturday and Rocco Baldelli does the Biggest Little proud. Dan Wheeler, too)

Because Optimism...

2008-10-14T08:45:00.002-04:00

...can only truly be rooted in logic, here's my logical stab at the game 4 batting order.

(mind you, this is the third time in as many trips to the ALCS that I turned down tickets to game 4...the previous two times came in 2004 and 2007. Superstition is the religion of feeble minds, which I guess kind of messes with my whole optimism theory. Bugger off, all of you...)

1. Crisp - CF
2. Pedroia - 2B
3. Drew - RF
4. Bay - LF
5. Youkilis - 3B
6. Papi - DH
7. Kotsay - 1B
8. Cash - C
9. Lowrie - SS

Drop Papi so that he can at least bat with runners on base. Go lefty-righty from 3-6. Let Jacoby sit for a bit, come in to pinch run when it's time to ditch Cash or bunt perhaps? Tek can come into play C, but when it's time for him to hit in a late-and-close situation, pinch hit again.

Prediction: Sox 5, Rays 3.

Re-Building a Winner

2008-10-07T09:54:00.004-04:00

You know what’s crazy? It’s a rebuilding year.

I had this conversation in July with a new employee here at the Flagship…the Red Sox are, essentially, rebuilding.

That process began when the Sox decided against trading for Johan Santana, for a package of prospects.

Those prospects included (in no particular order): the 25-year old leadoff guy who just finished the ALDS with a .400 on-base percentage, six RBI (ok, three of them came on a three-run single, Tanner Boyle-style); a 24-year old righty who threw a no-hitter last year and struggled finding his command this season; a 24-year old lefty who threw a no-no this year and is emerging as the Ace of the staff.

Not to mention the 24-year old infielder, with the patient eye, steady glove who has been branded as the jack of all trades, master of none…and found the strait of Teixeira between second and first last night, which drove in the gamewinning run. And factor in the tall, 23-year old right-hander that – to my count – has made two gaffes so far: the cross-up to Varitek last night and the Champs Sports commercial with the horrible Jimmy Tingle as a cab driver.

The Red Sox made a trade at the deadline, or so I heard on WEEI. And not to open that can of worms, safe to say the trade has been mutually beneficial. Channeling my inner John Sterling, “in life, all good things have some sort of reciprocation.” Let your mind wander on that one.

But the Sox won 95 games in the regular season due to Ellsbury, Buchholz, Lester, Lowrie, Masterson…and don’t discount the help that Brandon Moss made. Don’t laugh, he won a game in Japan… Even Craig Hansen helped (by leaving and facilitating the Manny-Bay trade).

When injuries arose, there was a steady stream of Jeff Bailey’s, Chris Carter’s, Jonathan Van Every’s, and Joe Thurston’s.

The injuries were to key cogs – starters, infielders, outfielders - yet the machine never had any prolonged stretch of having “out-of-service” tape ribboning around the mechanism thanks to the youngsters.

And as we’ve seen in the stretch run and postseason, Lowrie and Masterson assumed semi-permanent roles and may very well displace a veteran or two. Why Lugo and not Lowrie? Why Timlin and not Masterson? Those are legitimate questions now.

With the New York professional baseball clubs looking to spend more money than Tyco execs with a month full of spousal birthday parties, the Red Sox are primed to dip into idyllic New England towns like Pawtucket and Portland for their help.

There will be tire-kicking on AJ Burnett, CC Sabathia, Ben Sheets, and Mark Teixeira, I’m sure. But the prospects have shown that they might be ready for prime time and they’ve done it during a run to the ALCS. In college, it’d be cutely referred to as the freshmen becoming sophomores.

But in the modern baseball era – the rebuilding process has taken place from within and it’s worthy of taking notice.
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Ok, hope to have more as the playoffs continue. But who the hell knows?

On an aside - despite the inactivity/hibernation/sabbatical/laziness/knee injuries that have caused TLBR to not be updated for quite some time, the hit counter went over 300k. Wow. Still amazing. Thanks everyone.

Must've Been a Blur Fan

2008-09-09T10:42:00.003-04:00

Check it out about 1:37 into "What's the Story (Morning Glory)."

Dreamers or Redeemers - a vote for the 2008 team

2008-08-22T12:04:00.004-04:00

By: Rudy Sobelman - TLBR Milwaukee correspondent

A special thanks to TLBR for allowing me a platform to embarrass myself in trying to suggest that the 2008 "Supreme" team could actually enter the conversation of the 1992 "Greatest team ever assembled."

I am sure you will find my writing poor and my arguments weak, but that's my game.

Up until the 2004 Olympics, the United States had gone 110-1 in Olympic competition. (Okay technically, 109-2, but let's not count the 1972 Munich debacle.) And then Larry Brown and the 2004 team went 5-3 in Athens and brought home a bronze medal.

That was "shampooing" unacceptable and the U.S. decided to do something about it by hiring Jerry Colangelo to come up with a plan to win gold in China. Of course, they ignored the fact that Colangelo never won an NBA championship with the Phoenix Suns, but he needed something to do since he sold all his teams.

As a basketball junkie, I never thought I would see another team that would compare to the Dream Team, but this is the squad. Here is my breakdown of the roster:

Guards - Jason Kidd, Kobe Bryant, Dwyane Wade, Chris Paul, Deron Williams, Michael Redd.

This group of guards includes one of the greatest pure passers in NBA history (Kidd), the closest thing to MJ (Kobe), a healthy superstar who has a great all-around game (Wade), a point guard who should have been MVP last year and is putting up some of the best PG numbers ever (Paul), a solid young guard who is putting up 10+ assists a game (Williams), and a shooter in case you need him (Redd).

Forwards: - LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Tayshaun Prince, Chris Bosh, Carlos Boozer

You want one name? How about the bigger Oscar Robertson (LeBron), a solid scorer suited for international play (Anthony), a glue guy who just wins (Prince), the forgotten player of the greatest NBA draft ever (Bosh...and apologies to 1984), and Coach K's more seasoned Laettner (Boozer).

Centers: - Dwight Howard

This team is a little thin in the middle. Or are they? Did you watch the dunk contest last year or realize that Howard is still only 22? Scary. Very scary.

It is hard to publish stats on this team during Olympic play, as the numbers certainly won't line up against the 1992 dominance. This is a great collection of players, missing really only two players among the best in the world (Garnett and Duncan).

Without starting this little debate, point-counterpoint, I leave you with this. Excluding the USA roster, there are 30 NBA players playing in the 2008 Olympics. Spain has seven players in the NBA on their roster. The competition is much different than Dino Radja, Petrovic, Kukoc, Sabonis, and Marciulonis.

This team is dominating, beating the aforementioned team featuring seven NBA players by a final of 119-82, including a 32-0 margin on points off turnovers. I'll wait for the stat comparison when this thing is over. This is a team, not a collection of individual superstars and egos.

Bring it. I am ready for TLBR to crush me like a Barkley elbow on the helpless Angolan.

You want a thesis statement? In one game, the 2008 team would beat the 1992 team by running them off the floor.

Dreamers or Redeemers? 1992 is the winner.

2008-08-22T10:47:00.002-04:00

On Friday morning (eastern time) the 2008 U.S. men's basketball team will head into the semifinal round of the Beijing Olympics, taking on Manu Ginobili and Argentina.

This year's Olympic squad, known as the "Redeem Team," has been romping over their competition. Through five games, the U.S. is 5-0 and has an average margin of victory of 32 points. Pretty solid, considering the team "won" the bronze medal in 2004 in Athens.

But it poses the question - would the 2008 team beat the 1992 team? Would the Redeemers cream the Dreamers? Would it be the '08 Stars and Stripers or the '92 Stars and Strippers (Patrick Ewing and the Gold Club say "hello.")

Welcome to a little U.S. Basketball point/counterpoint.

The 1992 team was a giant "shampoo you" to the world. It was our way of saying: we're America, we invented the game, and here's a little ass-whuppin' to make it clear. The closest margin of victory was 32 points (Croatia) and the average win was by almost 44 points per game.

The 1992 roster was perfect. It had superstars at every level and in every role. Head coach Chuck Daly summed it up best:

"It was like Elvis and the Beatles put together. Traveling with the Dream Team was like traveling with 12 rock stars. That's all I can compare it to."

The personnel:
Guards - John Stockton; Magic Johnson; Chris Mullin; Scottie Pippen; Michael Jordan; Clyde Drexler

Stockton is arguably the best point guard in NBA history (15,806 assists). About 15,805 of those went to Karl Malone. Chris Mullin ended his career as one of the best three-point shooters in NBA history. Clyde Drexler, at that time, was one of the most prolific offensive players in the league. And then you're dealing with three "one-name guys:" Magic. Michael. Scottie.

Forwards - Charles Barkley; Larry Bird; Karl Malone (who loves beanie babies); Christian Laettner

Barkley and Malone each re-defined the modern definition of the power forward. There is a one-namer in Larry. Laettner could have been replaced by me, and it wouldn't have made a difference.

Centers - Patrick Ewing; David Robinson

Patrick was a borderline one-namer. The Admiral was just beginning his solidly spectacular career.

The Stats:
Ri-god-damned-diculous. Some of the individual stats are crazy - Barkley's 71.1% field goal percentage, Mullin's 53.8% from three-point land, Jordan's 37 steals (in eight games...).

But the team stats are what really floor me. The team shot 57.8% (369-638) while holding opponents to under 37.0%.

They only shot 40.0% from the perimeter (54-135), but if you remove Jordan (4-19) and Drexler (6-21) who still had hops and didn't need to rely on a little below-the-rim stuff, the Dream Teamers were 44-95 - good for 46.3%.

From the charity stripe, the U.S. made 146 FT. Opponents ATTEMPTED 151. The rebounding margin was +13.5. The assist percentage was 64.7%. That means, 64.7% of the time, a field goal was tallied on a direct pass from a teammate.

This was a true team effort. Nine of the 12 players earned the start at least twice. Ten players played in all eight contests. Seven players had at least 14 assists. Forty-seven of opponents' 372 misses were blocked.

Those numbers are downright silly.

The accolades:
There are four Hall of Famers: Bird, Magic, Barkley, Drexler. Jordan, Malone, Robinson, Pippen, Ewing, and Stockton will be. Mullin might be. (Laettner has a slightly better shot than I do.)

But in short, I think the 1992 Dream Team would - easily - outdistance the 2008 Redeemers.

That's the thesis statement. We'll continue with the 2008 view, and then continue to support our argument(s).

Today's Secret Word

2008-08-22T09:30:00.003-04:00

Remember Pee-Wee's Playhouse? When folks used to scream for the secret word?

If not, here's a little refresher:

All caught up? Good.

So Tiki Barber happened to use TLBR's secret word. Those of you who know us here at control know EXACTLY what that word is. It comes out at the most (in)opportune times.

One solid example of an INopportune time is when you're on live television, with your co-host and the face of American nightly news.

Yeah, Tiki c-bombed Jenna Wolfe.

Click here for the re-direct to Deadspin. And stay tuned for some actual writing later on today. We'll be introducing TLBR's first guest columnist/correspondent.

And we'll be point/counterpointing the shampoo out of the U.S. men's basketball team (which I'd be watching in my office, if it weren't raining in there...which is the perfect reason to use the aforementioned C-word...)

Ernest Borgnine's Secret of Life

2008-08-20T16:02:00.001-04:00