way too much aubrey

The Hole

2012-02-02T13:26:00.002-07:00

I have begun referring to the fitting room as "The Hole". I'm not sure everyone at my work appreciates that, but all the girls who work in the FR seem to think it's a "fitting" name. (<--Didn't even mean to do that. Haha, I kill myself!)

Seriously, though, sometimes back there I want to hang myself with a hanger, just to pass the time and relieve the misery of standing back there all by myself.

The Hole


My view from The Hole

Do you know how many different ways you can arrange the numbers 0-8? I do.

I definitely didn't appreciate the morning shift while I had it. Husband's job has changed (yes, again), so he has been in training 8a-4p, which has left me with very few daycare options. (Thanks Jenny, Natalie, Andrew and Jon!) Now that I've used up my family, I've decided I have to go back to the night shift so Husband can take care of the kids while I'm at work. (We also share a car, so that will help with that, too.) When I started this whole working thing, I worked the evening shift, which includes closing the store.

Switching to the morning shift gave me anxiety, but after the very first day of clocking out at 2 PM, I was hooked. I also discovered that the morning shift had a lot more fun! Shipment comes every weekday morning, so I got to help shelve the merchandise and chat with the stock team. The day time customer service girl is downright hilarious, and I get to listen to her over the head set, so even when there aren't any customers, I'm not too bored.

Well let me tell you what. The night shift is B-O-R-I-N-G. Tuesday night I worked five hours (5-10pm) and I counted how many customers I received in that time.

FIVE. 5 customers in 5 hours, people!

And the head set? Boring as all hell. Not one word was spoken all night long between employees over that thing.

Tonight I go back to the Hole. Five hours is a very long time with no one to talk to.

I am open to entertainment suggestions. Ready, set, go!

Support our school! (...and go broke)

2012-02-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember when book fairs were awesome? You could beg $2 off your mom and bring home 3 books, an eraser, and a poster of seven kittens for you wall. At least that's how I remember it.

Asher had a parent-teacher conference today after school. He's only in Kindergarten, and he's way ahead of the curve because he's 6 1/2 (and has my genes). ;) I'm not going to lie to you, I was dragging my feet, feeling like it was a bit of a waste of time. After getting a strong, "Asher is amazing, Asher can do everything with flying colors, Asher is friends with everyone," I was feeling generous. Off we go to the book fair. I wasn't even feeling the panic of spending money, because MIL gave me $15 specifically for the book fair. I was feeling rich.

On the way in I swore that THIS TIME I wouldn't be buying gimmicky crap. THIS TIME I'm buying something educational! A good, old fashioned chapter book they can benefit from!

Ten minutes later, with a crease in my forehead (which, these days, is deeper than it used to be), I came to the realization that the book fair doesn't SELL anything educational. "Princess Cupcake Papers" and "The complete Ninja Lego Sticker Book", "The Zombie Interpreter Book" (<--which, btw, is the most obnoxious "talking" book I've ever heard - it makes "Zombie sounds" and then "interprets" them).

$26.00 later we left the building with two Lego Ninjago books (most of my house is Ninjago themed since Christmas)

& a book called "Aliens in Underpants" or something like that. Oh yeah, and three ridiculously frivolous pens with googly eyes.

Ah, well, at least they are happy.

What we didn't leave with? Any of the posters they were selling for $4.50/each, erasers shaped like Twizzlers licorice, or pens with tiny little crocs attached. (Yeah, those kind of crocs, not this kind.) I took a picture to prove it.

Croc-haters, we've reached an all-time low.

All I'm saying is when did "SUPPORT OUR SCHOOL!" turn into "GO BROKE & LEARN NOTHING!" ?!?

#GetFit with Us & Be a #memorialdayhottie this year!

2012-02-01T13:02:00.001-07:00

There I was, tweeting. (The best part about Twitter is that you can always spy on other peoples' conversations.)

@AskDocG says to @ElenaWollborg something like, "I want to work out every day until Blissdom. You in?"

Being the nosy person that I am, I just went ahead and invited myself to their little workout party.

"I'm not going to Blissdom, but I want in!"

A matter of moments later, we had ourselves a little army of wanna-be-fit-sters, a hashtag, and a goal. We're each setting our own specifics for our fitness goal, but it is not based on weight - just fitness. And our goal date is 5/25/12. That's @ElenaWollborg's birthday (& Memorial Day weekend, btw).

You know who states this better? Elena does, here: #GetFit so you feel like a #MemorialDayHottie
If you want in, go to her blog post and comment with your goals. They don't have to be anything like ours, just anything you want to accomplish between now and May 25th to make you a healthier person.

Remember this? Yeah, I made that commitment a month ago. I haven't done a thing with it. NOW it's time, and this time I've got fellow #getfit warriors to support me. :)

Every time you want to brag or just need a little push to get going, use the hashtags #GetFit or #MemorialDayHottie and we'll be right there to back you up and cheer you on.

Everneath Review of Sorts

2012-01-31T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last night I finished reading Everneath by Brodi Ashton. I was having trouble finding time to read it, so I ran a bath and locked the children out while I read. I was worried I'd be disappointed because there's been so much hype surrounding this book, but I got nowhere near disappointment when I turned the last page.

I'm not a huge paranormal fan. I adored reading Twilight the first time, and I enjoyed a couple of others alright, but overall it's not really my thing. I'm more a realistic fiction kind of girl. This one got such great reviews from my two best book-loving friends that I had to give it a shot.

My number one problem with paranormal stories is the way their human friends/family so readily accept their admission of the truth. They're like, "Hey, so I'm actually a blood-sucking angel witch, and I turn into a wolf each full moon. We cool bro?" And their human friends are like, "Yeah bro. We're good. Let's go hunt some witch-vampires!"

(With that said, I do have a not-so-secret love affair with The Vampire Diaries - TV, not books. I'm pretty picky about my unrealistic media choices, and TVD wins. So I'm open-minded on the subject.)

My favorite thing about Everneath? Jack accepting Nikki's story didn't feel unrealistic. The fact that he didn't accept it all right away helped, but something about the connection between them made it work where I would normally have been irritated by it. I don't know about you guys, but if someone "confessed" to me that they'd been living in the underworld for a hundred years, I would have them committed. At the very least I'd keep my distance when they came around, possibly warning others of their unstable mind-state. Even if it was someone I loved.

Anyway, I loved every minute of reading this book and can't wait for more. How is it possible this is her first published novel?? Who cares, go buy it!

omg it's ME, my 2 best friends, and BRODI ASHTON! Pic credit Andrea Gabbitas

(BTW, I'm famous! Go see Brodi's blog about the Everneath release party... the very first picture, the girls standing against the wall because they were too late to get a seat... that's Andrea, Jenn and ME! Squeeee!)

Scrivener!

2012-01-30T18:17:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to inform you all that I have, in fact, purchased Scrivener for my laptop. What this means to you:

My writing is about to become very awesome.
I am about to become very difficult to get a hold of.

In my absence, while I learn all about this program, your assignment is this:

(If you haven't already) Write a piece to add to the book I've written for my nieces. Now that I have Scrivener I have decided to re-work the layout of the entire book, and a few other subjects have come to me that need to be in there, so I'll be writing those to add to what I've already put together. Now I need just a few more quotes, stories, bits of advice from other people to add in there.

The book is a compilation of advice from women who have already been through the experience of being a teenage girl. When it is finished I will have it printed and bound, so I can give my nieces the completed book. My two oldest nieces are already in junior high, and there are seven more younger than that.

(Think of Chicken Soup for the Soul books as far as format - just a collection of little stories or thoughts.)

Even if all you can think of is a favorite quote or song lyrics that could be inspirational to a 10-15 year old girl, send them to me! (breeamiller@gmail.com) I would love to include anything you think would be helpful. Make sure to include whether you want to be named in the book or anonymous. I'm looking specifically for someone who can provide a positive outlook, as I've been informed that much of my writing for this particular project has been kind of a downer. (lol Shocking, right?)

Let me know if you want to add anything! Happy writing!

What I'll never quite be

2012-01-28T23:11:00.001-07:00

As a child, did your mom take extra good care of you when you were sick? I don't know if mine really did, or if I just needed her (and therefore appreciated her) more when I wasn't feeling well. Either way, I still ache for my mom each time I am feeling under the weather. (For the record, my mom is and always has been a fantastic mother.)

Or maybe you didn't have a mother, but you ARE a mother, so you relate because you know how you go into hyper-drive to care for your little one when he is ill. Either way, the way I picture my mom taking care of me, checking my forehead for fever, sitting by my side...

That's what Husband's mother is like all the time. She is what people are referring to when they use the phrase "mother hen". She's constantly checking for discomforts, jumping to the rescue, exhausting herself so that her children don't ever want for anything.

If she has it, she will give it. If she doesn't have it, but you need it, she'll find it and find a way to get it to you.

I spent this evening with my mother-in-law and two brothers-in-law, celebrating Husband's birthday. I panicked about the condition of my house as time grew short, knowing we had guests arriving and the floor wasn't vacuumed, the table wasn't wiped down. What I forgot was that our "guests" were our family, in the truest sense of the word - the kind of people who don't even see the dirt on your floor, and if they happen to notice the dishes in your sink, it's only because they are washing them for you.

Husband wanted shepherd's pie for dinner. (Our entire relationship H has been thoroughly disgusted with the fact that I don't have a clue what shepherd's pie is. He raved about it, like it was the BEST food he'd ever eaten, and I should feel deprived for not having grown up on it.)

MIL, not surprisingly, brought shepherd's pie.

When my children think of the happiest place on Earth, they don't think of Disneyland, they think of Grandma 'Chele's house (that's short for Michele; when Asher was a baby he wouldn't say "Grandma Michele," he skipped the middle syllable. We've been calling her Grandma 'Chele ever since). It's not because she buys the best gifts (though it could be argued that she does). It's not because she has the nicest house or a jungle gym in the backyard. She's just the most in-tune person in the world to a person's needs. She never forgot how it felt to be a child, yet she's one of the hardest working adults I know.

After about an hour with her in my home I realized that not one speck of the mess I was so worried about had bothered me since she walked in the door. All I had thought about was how much fun my boys were having with her, the hilarious voices she was making while she read "The Aminal" to my baby at bedtime. It wouldn't have mattered to her if she had to sit ON the piles of laundry, which usually liter my living room floor, as long as she was able to sit and play UNO with her grand kids for a few hours and wish her son a happy 26th birthday.

I will never be a mom like MIL is. I'll never be able to play for hours or carry children around on my shoulders while pretending to be a fighter jet, while making mac'n'cheese and constructing a fort at the same time. I'll never be able to read twenty-five children's books, complete with different voices for each character, without needing to come up for air. I'll just never have the abandon that she does, the carefree spirit that allows her to watch hundreds of packing peanuts rain all over her kitchen, all in the name of creativity, without so much as a hint of a panic attack.

But if I'm half as caring and perceptive as she is, and my kids grow up half as confident and self-loving as hers did, my kids will do just fine.

2011 Review in Pictures

2012-01-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

January 2011

Got my laptop! :)

Joshua turns 8!

Asher


Me & Max

New Year

Steve turns 25

February 2011

Chubby baby cheeks are gone now! :(

Asher

Max's marker-eating stage

March 2011

Joshy & me

St Patrick's Day

April 2011

Easter

Summer 2011

Husband & Maxbear

Hiking

Husband & BFF playing with fireworks

Sleepy kids on 4th of July

Me & my handsome boys!

Signing "water"

Camping with Ava

Terrible Twos

Friends

August 2011

First day of Kindergarten

First day is a success!

Mom is a working girl now

Max's last month in a crib... next up, big boy bed!

September 2011

Creepy server calls me "spicy"

Happy Birthday to me!

My mom is Miss America

Asher turns six

Asher asks for a pink cake and LOVES it

Pin the tail on the donkey

October 2011

Waluigi

Asher gets pink eye & looks extra creepy!

Max discovers that Halloween = candy!


Asher gets his teddy

November 2011

Unfortunately I was just having WAY too much fun during Thanksgiving/Christmas to stop for pictures! But you've had enough by now anyway, though, haven't you? :)

Today Things ( EVERNEATH! )

2012-01-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Things That Suck Today

Missing work solely because I didn't have a babysitter. Calling in makes me feel like garbage. I can't stand it when circumstances outside my control make me appear unreliable.

Finding out that a 15-minute walk to my son's school leaves me coughing and wheezing like a 90-year-old man. By the time I got home I had to remove my shirt and sit on this computer chair, panting for equal amount of time I spent walking. Pathetic, to say the least.

Realizing it's been so long since I walked Asher to school that I do it wrong.

Me: "Bye! Have a good day! See you after school!"
...long pause...
Asher: "Um, did you forget to say 'Do your best?'"
Me: "Am I supposed to say that?"
Asher: "Yep. Daddy always does."
Me: "Ok. Do your best!"
Asher, happily waving me away: "Ok! Now go."

Snow + crappy, broken stroller wheels = no bueno.

Awesome Things Today

Waking up all sleepy-eyed to find my shiny, new, SIGNED copy of Brodi Ashton's EVERNEATH on my desk waiting to be read! (Then remembering the absolutely AMAZING release party I attended last night at King's English with my very best friends! Picture coming soon.) I think I need to gush for a minute. Can I just mention how incredible I think Brodi Ashton is? I loved her already (through Twitterstalking), but now that I've seen her speak in person, I might have a little fangirl crush on her hilarious personality. I am now also stalking her blog.

Cake with the book's cover on it! It was beautiful!

Jenn & Brodi

OMG its me, my 2 best friends, and Brodi Ashton!

Besides being the cutest little book store on the planet, King's English is unbelievably sweet, they had amazing treats to snack on while we were waiting in line, and it felt amazing to support our very own, local Indie book store! Then, as is tradition for our little group, we got to enjoy The Cheesecake Factory afterward. There's something really great about piling into a tiny, genuine book-loving shop with TONS of other people who are totally psyched about the same book you are. (I'm not going to lie to you, I cracked open the book and read a few pages... I was so quickly enthralled with it that I had to put it down so I could accomplish something today!) Will not read... will not read... till nap time. :)

Watching my Ash skip all the way to his school, singing Jingle Bells as his boots crunch in the snow. He adores school, just like I always knew he would.

The surprising amount of time Max wanted to sit on my lap this morning. All he wanted was to lay his little head down on my chest and hug me. I miss him so much when I work, and apparently the feeling is mutual. (Melt!)

I don't have to put makeup on at all today. To say that makes me happy is an unbelievable understatement.

This is about last night, not today, but being reminded that I am a writer at heart was pretty awesome. Brodi reminded me that writers love PAIN and REQUIRE a bit of DELUSION in order to continue on their literary path... and that's just exactly what I needed to remember. I need to get out of my head about it and just WRITE. When she spoke about "writers" I felt like she was speaking about me, and lately I've been starting to doubt that. I need to remember Mrs. Bean saying "JUST WRITE. Write every day! It doesn't matter what comes out, just the pen moving on the paper will create something." God, I miss her.

Random questions, random answers

2012-01-24T16:54:00.006-07:00

I've been unable (or unwilling) to write about my own life lately, which has resulted in (as you may have noticed) not posting at all. So, in a state of "writer's block," I asked my Twitterfriends for some prompts.

I said:

@toomuchaubrey Somebody ask me a question. I'm in need of something to blog about. #mindisnumb #blogging #writersblock

I received:

@beckykid favorite times in high school (or college) & what it taught you

Whenever I think of high school, I think of sophomore year. Where I grew up, high school starts in tenth grade, so that was my first year of high school. I had a large group of friends, and I hadn't attached myself to the boyfriend yet, so I had an awesome social life. Tons of friends + school stomps (casual dances) + hundreds of Pixie Sticks + gallons of Mountain Dew = best year ever. (<-- This is how drug- & alcohol-free teenagers entertain themselves, lol) We would spend hours getting ready together, all in the same room, with mounds of glitter (what? It was 2001!) and cans of hair spray.

And yes, we blasted Spice Girls as loud as our speakers could manage. (Shut up.)

The following year I became completely consumed in being in a relationship, practically dropped out of high school, and ended up pregnant the year after that. High school memories are all pulled from that one year. What I learned from this: You only get one chance at being a teenager. I know, I know, cliche. But for real... I couldn't wait to grow up, and I'll never get those times back. I don't actually want those times back, but I wish I'd had more of them while I had the opportunity, because there's plenty of time for grown up stuff later! (Because of the things I just mentioned, I have only attended one semester of college at a community college, no fun memories to draw from there!)

@Hopin2bHappy how about when you were 6? When you had no responsibilities and thought the biggest problem in the whole world was no cookies

When I was six... cookies...

Well, I'll tell ya a little story about cookies.

About a year ago my brother Jon told me a story about our childhood that I'd never heard before. It turns out ever since we were kids he's been feeling super guilty about walking into the kitchen one day and seeing a bag of cookies.

"Mmm, cookies," the thought, and he ate them all.

He was only about six or seven, which would make me about three or four at the time, and when I came into the room I exclaimed, "My cookies!" and cried because they were all gone.

While he was telling me this story, Jon started tearing up.. ok not really, but he seriously has guilt about it.

"I didn't know they were your cookies! They were just cookies!"

ha ha ha every sibling has done this once or twice, but not many hold onto it! It turns out all these years while he's been extremely generous and giving, it's been because he stole my cookies when I was three years old. LOL That's what I love about that guy!

AskDocG

what is something good you've learned about yourself since you became a parent?

I didn't think I could be a parent. Not in the way that I physically couldn't get pregnant or something, but I always thought of myself as the kind of person that shouldn't have kids. I'm an impatient, picky, selfish person, how could I be a parent? Once you're a parent you can never NOT be a parent ever again! Even if your kids grow up and move away, or - God forbid - died, you are still a parent for life. A cooking, cleaning, worrying, working all the time MOM. There was just no way I could do it well, so I was determined not to do it at all.

I guess I wasn't that determined, since I ended up having a baby way before anyone else my age, and willpower isn't very high quality birth control. The best thing I've learned about myself since I became a parent?

I really can do it. I'm capable. I am way stronger than I think I am. Every time I think, "I can't take it another minute," I can. I keep going, and in the words of my son, I am the "best mom in the universe"! So I must be doing something right! :)

Do you have a question for me? What would you like me to write about next?

Stop SOPA internet fast: why I won't be tweeting Wednesday, January 18, 2012

2012-01-17T13:30:00.004-07:00

The nutshell version: These new bills proposed could shut down Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Wikipedia... well, pretty much whatever the gov't doesn't like. I don't speak up on political issues very often, and I don't claim to be an expert on the issue, but I certainly dislike the sound of it.

I don't keep up with the news, as it tends to be a major trigger for my depression/anxiety, but Twitter keeps me pretty well-informed on the big issues.

Some links I found via Twitter, which will help you understand why I am participating in the Internet Fast tomorrow, January 18, 2012:

@GOOD : How SOPA Would Hurt Sports Fans

Could SOPA Shut Down Facebook? <-Includes an introduction by Darth Vader

Stop the Wall

Washington Post article : When you go to Google tomorrow, you'll see this

Reddit: A Technical Examination of SOPA and PROTECT IP

ABC: Wikipedia blackout: SOPA and PIPA explained

(I apologize, I forgot to keep track of the Twitter users who posted these links... I know, epic link fail! I will also be adding to this list of links as I come across them.)

Scrivener is AVAILABLE for WINDOWS?!

2012-01-16T18:17:00.001-07:00

You guys.

I need this. I don't think you understand how much I need this.

When I found Scrivener (about a year and a half ago), the only available version was for MacOS. I downloaded the beta version, and I fell in LOVE. No, I fell in lust. I lusted after this program. It's everything my writing needed! The ability to work on several different parts of your manuscript at the same time... a "cork board" to "pin" ideas to, etc., etc!

Photo credit: Literature & Latte

Yes, this is me gushing again.

It felt like it took so long for the Windows version (I don't have a Mac) to materialize that eventually I lost track of the "countdown" and gave up. Somehow I stumbled upon the information that Scrivener is available for Windows now... and I could just cry that I don't have $40 to buy it RIGHT NOW. (Yet another thing I'm impressed with, forty dollars is super affordable!)

The minute I possess $40, I will be purchasing this program. And you'll probably have to listen to me gush again. (Either that or you won't hear from me at all because I'm finally putting together that book that lives on random pieces of paper in my bedroom!)

You guys, I'm so excited!

(Also, look! This blog post was featured in The Archives4TCH Daily!)

Nine is halfway to eighteen

2012-01-15T17:41:00.003-07:00

Maybe you haven't noticed, but 9 is HALF of 18.

I don't have one of those kids who seems his age, so when I realized just exactly how old nine really IS, I gotta say, I was a bit shocked. Maybe I'm crazy, but he looks a little more nine-ish than he did a few days ago...

Joshua's birthday was kind of a bittersweet day for me. I'm having the "omg my kid is old" panic a little too soon, probably, but nonetheless... I am feeling it. Luckily I heard from one of my lifelong friends that day, who had just delivered a baby boy six days earlier.

So guess what I got to do on my 9-year-old's birthday?

I got to hold this little guy!

In a weird way it made me feel better.

Today I am staying home to clean house, relax, and get some time with my boys. I can't believe how much I miss them after being at work all week.

We spent several hours cleaning the kids' room (pig sty) this morning. We discovered the carpet! Haven't seen it in months. Carried out garbage bags full of trash. Tonight's project is the living room & laundry, so I'm afraid I'm all out of time to write. I can't stand to live in this tiny apartment another minute in its current tornado-ish state.

xoxo

Separation Anxiety

2012-01-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

Max has never really been a mama's boy, so his recent bout of separation anxiety has really surprised me. (I'm not gonna lie, I secretly love it, but that's just because he's always been so independent and such a Grandma's boy!)

I've been working about 30 hours/week lately, so it's been a bit of an adjustment for everyone involved. It's been six months since I started working (really? already?) and I'm finally getting used to being on my feet all day and being away from home so much, but Max has become increasingly fed up with not seeing me. He doesn't go to daycare, just stays home with Husband while I go to work.

But I just gotta tell ya...

His cute little voice begging, "No go work, Mom! Stay wid me! Please take you jacket off," just breaks my heart. A couple of days ago he threw himself on the floor and cried into the carpet because I said, "I'm sorry Baby, I have to go to work." When I get home he comes running to the door, "Mom! You go work?" Each and every time I leave the house he says, "Please me go wid you! Max's shoes!" If I don't get his shoes for him immediately, he cries because he thinks I'm going to leave him home again and go to work.

I know, I should just feel lucky that I've been able to work for six months without the crying and fit-throwing when I leave in the morning... a lot of people have to deal with that every single day. But my heart breaks for him. I was home with my other two boys almost every day of their little lives, and while I still feel wholeheartedly that becoming a working mom was the right choice for me (at that time), I still have guilt for not being home for him.

Quite honestly, I was becoming a terrible parent right about the time I got a job. I couldn't tolerate his fits, my fuse was shrinking rapidly, and I had completely given up on housework. I was burned out on the whole SaHM thing, and he didn't deserve that. Now when I come home from work, I'm exhausted, but I can't WAIT to pick him up and hug him. I can't wait to play with him and talk to him about his day. His smile completely re-invents my day, every time I come home and see he's glad to have me back. Even if work was awful (which it rarely is), I can come home and start over. (Although I generally just get overwhelmed with the housework that needs to be done.)

Some days I can't tell if Max is the one having separation anxiety or if it's me, but I keep reminding myself, when my baby (ok, he's a toddler now, but you can't stop me from calling him my baby) calls me "Dad" and has to correct himself, a lot of kids don't even get to see their fathers. He needs him too. It's my turn to do something for myself, progress a little in my life and remember that I'm a person, not just a mom. It's my turn to remember what it's like to get up and put makeup on my face every morning. It's my turn to remember that people buy CLOTHES for themselves, because they don't just wear their food-smeared pajamas all day. (No, really! There are people out there, and they get DRESSED each day!)

And it's Husband's turn to get to know his son.

A letter

2012-01-01T21:34:00.001-07:00

Dear Joshua,

A new year has begun again. I'll never quite know why a new year starting makes us feel so fresh and confident, but somehow, each year, it cleanses us in preparation for the next twelve months of our life.

Two weeks from now, we will celebrate your ninth birthday. Somehow you've been on this planet for NINE years already! It feels so much shorter to me, so much longer to you... I know you feel like your life is passing by slowly, but I assure you, this is not the case. I have spent nearly each and every day with you since your beautiful birth. I loved you each minute of my long, nauseating, painful pregnancy. Each person who has met you since you came to us has fallen in love with your smile, been captivated by your gigantic, beautiful eyes, and absolutely adored your sweet spirit.

As we start this ninth year together, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I will always be here for you, and my love for you will grow each day that I get to know you more. You never need to feel alone because we are partners in this life. We can help each other through whatever comes our way. When something feels too big or too scary, you just need to come to me. I will soothe you like I did when you were a newborn baby in my arms, and you will be safe.

My life has been infinitely better since you came along, Joshua. Please never forget that. I love you forever, and I can't wait to spend another year with my (not-so-) little Joshy-Squashy guy.

Love,
Mom

Have you given up on me?

2011-12-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've been slacking. I know. Christmas + retail = lots of hours at work. After Christmas + retail apparently = lots more hours at work (clearance!).

So, here's what you get until I have a good New Year's post for you... My favorite November/December PICTURES!

My nephew Avery & niece Madi acting out the nativity

Sweetest little kids!!!

My nephew Noah (13) & Asher (6). I love that Noah's cake was pink!

My mom with Max (2) <-I love Max's new Christmas jammies!

My niece Ashlie (13) with all the crazy zebra print stuff I got her for her bday!

Don't fuss Dear

2011-12-21T17:45:00.000-07:00

So there I was, pouting at work about my hard life and how bored I was standing in the empty fitting room without any customers to keep me busy.

Then I remembered... on my way to work this morning I was listening to my regular morning show, who were broadcasting from the Road Home (homeless shelter in Salt Lake City). They said there were ONE HUNDRED kids sleeping there last night. I've been to the Road Home before, and there were people on cots lining the walls, trying to get some sleep. It was by no means quiet, but there are just simply not enough rooms for all the people who need a warm place to sleep. Most of them didn't have blankets, just cots to lay on in the middle of the bright, rowdy hallway. Anyway, this morning on the radio they were asking people to come donate unopened toys, money, gift cards, and warm clothes to the Candy Cane Corner (where the people can shop for things they need the week before Christmas). They are extremely short on supplies they need in order to be sure everyone receives something for Christmas.

I only have two pairs of pajamas hanging in my closet waiting to be donated. Last year I was able to collect a dozen or so to give, but this year I don't know anyone who is in a position to give. This makes me sad, but I completely understand. I'm not exactly in a position to be buying anything extra either.

But what's extra?

I realized, while I stood there with nothing to do but think, that my kids are getting spoiled rotten for Christmas this year. I was able to buy them a few reasonable gifts, their grandmas give them money and gifts... they will be overwhelmed with STUFF. While one hundred kids sit in the Salt Lake shelter with MAYBE one gift that wasn't even specifically chosen for them? How is that right? We don't have a lot, but we have some, and that's more than some people have.

I started thinking of the things we could do without... I bought my kids 2 pairs of pajamas for Christmas. Do they need them both? Are there any toys I bought that we could just give to the shelter instead? I bought a little pair of warm socks and a pair of warm slippers that were on clearance...

About twenty minutes later I realized something else.

I was smiling.

I felt like the Grinch, surprised by my own joy at giving to others. I started to get excited about Christmas in a whole different way. My kids need the experience of giving to others who have less than them, and I'm embarrassed that this just now popped into my head, four days before Christmas.

If you want to donate anything (warm clothing, new toys, etc.), let me know so I can include it when I deliver my little donation.

“It's that wonderful old-fashioned idea that others come first and you come second. This was the whole ethic by which I was brought up. Others matter more than you do, so 'don't fuss, dear; get on with it.'” -Audrey Hepburn

(For my original post about this year's donation, go here.)

It's the little things

2011-12-18T21:40:00.001-07:00

This grown-up stuff is hard. But there are a few little things that make it all worth it.

My best baking buddy. He ADORES the whole process. Stays with me till the last cookie's baked!

Grandpa J's chocolate chip cookies... with a little extra chocolate on top ;)

Messy cookie faces

Forced & toothless smiles

Things I Learned While Wrapping Gifts Today

2011-12-17T19:03:00.000-07:00

Remember how I suck at being Santa? Tonight I wrapped all the gifts ahead of time (for the first year EVER, usually I'm still shopping on Christmas Eve)! Here are some things I learned along the way:

Whichever paper you choose to start with, you cannot use for anyone else! Santa wouldn't have the same paper as you used for your grandmother and co-worker, duh Aubrey! Bad Santa.
Buy more than one kind of gift tag. Same problem as the wrap... Santa doesn't share gift wrapping supplies with you! Your son is almost NINE, Aubrey! He will notice.
Your bed is the worst possible place for wrapping presents. Especially since you haven't straightened out the blankets in a week. FLAT SURFACE, sweetheart. FLAT.
Yes, you HAVE enough boxes to put the gifts in... but once you're finished wrapping and making them beautiful, will they fit somewhere so you can hide them?? Didn't think ahead on this one. Two of the gifts are too large to fit ANYwhere and are destined to be discovered before Christmas arrives.
Separate everyone's stocking stuffers ahead of time into individual bags. <--Learned this tip last year from my sister. Got lots more sleep last Christmas Eve because of it!
Make a list as you buy the kids' gifts. The fact that you didn't make a list has left you scrambling for one more thing to give one of the kids... in order to even out the loot. Uneven loot = kids feeling ripped off!

Maybe these will help you?

Ok, I give.

2011-12-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

I'm doing it again, aren't I? Life isn't going the way I want it to, so I'm not blogging.

In small doses of irritation, blogging helps a lot! But once you pass the irritation point and end up in full-blown unhappiness territory, there's not a lot you can really share, is there?

The fact is

life is hard.
marriage is hard.
living with other people is hard.
having a big family is hard.
showing people I love how much I love them is really, really hard.
money is evil.
adulthood is awful.

I'm making it, but just barely. I haven't forgotten you... I just don't have the ability to tell you the details of these things right now.

2011-12-11T20:58:00.001-07:00

You only know what I want you to
I know everything you don't want me to
Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine
Oh you think your dreams are the same as mine
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will

I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back
The less I give the more I get back
Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise
I don't have a choice but I still choose you
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
Oh I don't love you but I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will
I always will

Time

2011-12-09T15:58:00.001-07:00

Sarah McLachlan

Time here,
All but means nothing, just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company, but they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all.
(Ah)
And I need just a little more silence
(Ah)
And I need just a little more time

But you send your thieves to me
Silently stalking me
Dragging me into your wall
Would you give me no choice in this?
I know you can't resist, trying reopen a sore

[Chorus]
Leave me be, I don't wanna argue
I'd just get confused and I'd come all undone
And if I agree, well, it's just to appease you
'Cause I don't remember what we're fighting for

You see love, the tight, thorny thread
That you spin in a circle of gold
You have me to hold me
A token for all to see
Captured to be yours alone
And I need just a little more silence,
And I need just a little more time
The courage to pull away
There will be hell to pay
The deeper you cut to the bone

[Chorus]

Time here,
All but means nothing,
Just shadows that move across the wall
They keep me company,
But they don't ask of me
They don't say nothing at all.

Things you'll need to survive the first year (or so) of motherhood:

2011-12-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

Baby Signing Time. Seriously, find it at the library, or buy it used on Craigslist, or buy it on their website... whatever it takes! Get it. Use it. Your baby will not only communicate with you in the CUTEST way, but you'll also get an extra bonus out of it: enough time to shower. It's entertaining enough to keep your baby occupied for at least 15-20 minutes.

A baby swing. If you're deciding between a pack-n-play and a swing, or something else like that, choose a swing. If your baby has trouble sleeping or won't allow you to take a shower, you will thank the lord for your baby swing.

Flannel sheets. Cotton sheets are cute and cheap, but they get cold to the touch. Just when you rock that baby to sleep and feel like you could finally lay down for some rest, you transfer your baby to the crib and find the baby screaming from the change in temperature. Flannel sheets don't get so cold, and they're softer, so I found they help the baby transition from my arms to their bed. On the rare occasions that actually happened. ;)

Bouncer.
There are a lot of big baby items you definitely don't need. This is NOT one of them. If you ever plan to have a shower again, this is a must-buy item. Try to find one with a vibrate function. They love that.

Spend your entire pregnancy learning how to tie one of those amazing slings around your body and baby. I don't have any idea how people do that, but every time I see a mom wearing her baby and her arms free to do other things (like shop, or scratch her nose), I think about how incredible it would have been. SERIOUSLY. Not all slings are created equal! My mom bought me a sling when I had Max, and I was so excited, but it turned out to just make him mad (and we started too late; he was already used to being free).

Gripe Water.
Not every baby gets Colic. But mine did, and Gripe Water seriously, seriously helped! Calmed my baby's tummy and helped him go to sleep when NOTHING else, and I mean NOTHING else would work. Think of it as your cup of hot tea. It's herbal and helps soothe without any chemicals, and I found that the baby liked the taste, too.

White Noise Machine
Some people (like my friend Jenn) have babies who sleep from the very first week they come home from the hospital. This is obscenely offensive to people like me who never got a moment of rest! If you find that your baby doesn't sleep well, the VERY first thing you need to buy (don't buy one before you know if your baby will have this particular issue, you might not need it!) is a white noise machine. My mom bought us this $25 one when Asher was a baby, and I cannot even tell you how it changed my life. He was particularly fond of the cricket noise... which drove everyone insane except me. To me that sound meant sleep, and I would gladly listen to it for months on end if it meant I could rest. Babies are used to hearing the constant swooshing of your bodily fluids, so a constant sound is seriously soothing to them. A quiet room is much different from what they're accustomed to.

Sleep Sac
I can't rave about this enough! The link here is totally random; I have no idea if that's a decent price or not, it's just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. The sleep sac is a snuggie for babies. It's amazing. If you're like me, you'll spend sleepless nights worrying about your baby's safety because of the risk of SIDS. Every time I put a blanket in my baby's bed, I felt guilty because I knew it could suffocate him. The sleep sac is pajamas AND a blanket in one, without the risk of slipping up over the baby's face. Seriously amazing. I only bought one, you don't need a lot. Onesie + sleep sac is perfect for babies under a year. (After the baby can stand up in the crib, he won't want it anymore. It'll cramp his style! But by the time he's standing, he's pretty safe from SIDS anyway, right?)

The manufacture/advertising industry takes full advantage of moms-to-be. They have us convinced we need every little gadget and toy they've ever made, or our child will be fundamentally flawed in some way. As a poor mama, I am going to share some secrets with you.

Things you think you need but really don't need:

A baby head rest. You know, it looks like an upside-down U and goes in the carseat? It's actually against SIDS recommendations to use them because babies can turn their head and stop breathing. I don't recommend this, and it voids your car seat's warranty as well, should something happen.

A cute diaper bag. You'll end up using whatever you can grab quickly anyway. If you insist on buying a cute diaper bag, buy it to match YOUR wardrobe, not your baby's. You're the one who will be hauling it around, not the baby. And if you expect your spouse to carry it around sometimes, it had better not be all pink and flowery.

Diaper warmer, wipes warmer. I never bought one of these, but when I asked Twitter what items they found were unnecessary, this is what I heard. My friend gave me a wipes warmer a while back, and I've got to admit, Max appreciated the lack of freezing cold wipes on his bum! But it's really, really not necessary. Again, we're talking about pinching pennies here.

Crib set. SIDS recommendations state that your baby should not sleep with bumper pads, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, etc. They are not only unnecessary, they are dangerous. I KNOW you want that adorable crib set. I know it's fun. I know it totally makes your nursery theme complete. Skip it anyway.

Boppy. Unless you're breastfeeding twins, this will probably just take up space.

Bumbo. Don't get me wrong, it's awesome; I had one with Max, but it's really only worthwhile for about 2 weeks. If they're too small, they will slide right out. The minute they get too big, the bumbo is useless. For me this period only lasted a couple of weeks and then we sold it.

A crib. I know, I know, I'm kidding. But seriously, though, you picture yourself bringing your baby home and putting it in the crib and it's going to look so cute in there sleeping... in reality, your baby won't tolerate a crib with cold sheets for quite some time, so if you really can't afford to buy a crib right away, don't!

High Chair. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But if you're short on space and money, this is a definite SKIP. The bouncer works just as well for feeding little babies their baby food, and babies hate that high chairs anyway.

This is JUST my own opinion!!! I'm not paid to say any of this, and of course different things work for different people. Did I forget something? Add to my recommendations! Comments are so helpful to the new moms reading this.
See also: Aubrey's Guide to Pregnancy & Childbirth

....and we're back!

2011-12-06T20:00:00.001-07:00

There's just no possible way for me to blog about the storm last week before my eyelids close tonight. I'm simply too worn out to go into detail about all that. Those of you in Utah know, so let's just say that we were hit pretty hard 'round these parts, so it took Comcast a week to restore our Internet.

Hallelujah, right?! I thought if we were to spend ONE MORE DAY without online gaming (H) and Twitter here at our house, we would surely end up in World War 3: Ortega-Style. No gaming makes for an incredibly grumpy Husband, and no Twitter or blog? Well, I think you already know what that might do to me.

Know what's cool, though? We were forced to entertain each other in other ways. Husband and I still managed to fight and ignore each other a good part of the time (ah, the joys of marriage), but the kids got some real facetime with us. It really pointed out to me how much more I could accomplish if I didn't spend most of my waking hours (not at work) online. I'm not insane, so it's not like I'll be going all anti-technology or anything (panic attack just thinking about it), but I do intend to spend more real time with my kids. For the first time in months (at least six), we pulled a board game out of the closet and played. We laughed, we tickled, we cuddled in bed when it was too cold. When the power went out we discovered the magic of mini flashlights + children (being able to see is cool, but most of all it's entertainment).

We got some good news this week, which has actually surprised me in the end. I didn't realize how little faith I had in the fairness of this world until I found myself shocked when my brother was treated fairly in his custody case. How sad that I was completely floored when the judge recognized his right to be a parent as EQUAL TO the right of the mother.

I found another surprise when I realized I genuinely felt for their mother, my brother's ex-wife, as well. How hard this ruling must be for her to accept, to understand, and to live with. I thought, after all the ways she'd hurt our family, I couldn't possibly care about where she ended up in all this.

But a mother is a mother.
A child is a child.
And a family, when broken, is always a tragedy.

I have a new sister-in-law, who is a sweet spirit and a good friend. I'm grateful to have her in my life, and I'm grateful my brother is able to feel truly loved and cared for. What I really should be surprised about is that I ever thought I could just forget the good in my former-sister-in-law, the woman who became my family and created my gorgeous nieces and nephew. Certainly she has hurt us. She has hurt me personally by the way she treated our family - and especially my brother - as disposable. And he of course had a right to fight for his place as the other parent. But no one WINS in a fallen marriage. Everyone ends up losing in a custody dispute. Everyone loses when a member of their family removes themselves from the family unit.

A "win" for my brother is actually just a tiny fraction of the fairness he deserved from the beginning, and the results are undoubtedly devastating to the woman he loved. The worst part is while I know he is overjoyed to be assured the time he deserves with his kids, I know him well enough to know that (although he hasn't said this to me), he is surely suffering from her pain as well.

Good and bad things are happening, and I'm working too hard and being paid too little. But I'm grateful to have a home and my children, who are still too young to hate me for my flaws. Their ignorance is my greatest blessing.

Sometimes that's as much gratitude as I can muster. At least it's something, right?

I'm no good at being Santa

2011-11-26T14:33:00.001-07:00

Remember when you found out about Santa? It's different for everyone, but my story is fairly standard. I came downstairs for a drink on Christmas Eve about Midnight and found my older siblings and mom wrapping my Christmas presents. I'm not sure how I made it to eleven before I figured it out, but I was crushed. (I had known about sex for three years already, but Santa? Now THAT was a shock.)

After you figure it out, the magic kind of dulls and Christmas just isn't ever the same again.

Until you have kids. Then Christmas is unbelievably exciting again! Santa is magical once more, and WE get to choose the presents! It's amazing!

The moment you realize you have to LIE to your kids in order to introduce Santa Claus into their imaginations is a bit of a downer, but still. The lie is so WORTH IT.

Well, I love Christmas as much as the next person. I love it all. This year I even let my kids put up their stockings and Christmas lights and 17 Santa Claus figurines the day before Thanksgiving. They were so excited, and I can't resist, so we turned up the Christmas music and went to Christmastown.

But I SUCK at being Santa. I love it, but I suck at it. There are few things I'm worse at than lying. I know, I know, you're shocked, but covering up the truth of things is not my greatest attribute. I'm pretty proud of that these days, as I think being fake is Satanic, but it doesn't lend well to the Santa facade.

At least once every year I have said something in front of my nieces or nephews that ruined their Christmas plans. This year is no exception. I managed to text "We have a _____ for _____ at my work! Only $6.99!" while her kids had her phone. Yeah. I'm a genius. Other times I've said something right out loud in front of them about being Santa. The poor children have giant eyeballs popping out of their heads, and their moms are looking at me like I just killed their family pet. And there's NO WAY TO SAVE that kind of slip-up. Absolutely no cover-up.

This year I've already messed up with my own kids. My mother in law saw something cool at our house, and I said, "That's one of my only Black Friday purchases. I bought it at Toys R Us last year!" Josh immediately popped up and said, "No you didn't. Santa gave that to us."

Oh. That's right. I forgot.
Well, I feel sheepish.

Joshua is getting old now. He'll turn nine in January. I'm pretty sure I'll ruin everything this year and spoil Santa for him. If I haven't already.

But if I do, I'll have no fear, because I have discovered this: The Truth About Santa. (found on Pinterest.com)

You're welcome.

Thanks Giving

2011-11-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

I'm thankful that the company I work for closed the stores for Thanksgiving Day, so we (the employees) could spend it with our families.

I'm thankful that somebody, sometime in history decided to make this a holiday. I'm not sure how accurate the stories are about WHY, when or how, but the fact that we have an excuse to get together makes me happy.

I'm thankful we get to be in Utah for Thanksgiving. Although Thanksgiving with Loretta and Richard was wonderful, I will never stop being grateful for family that's close by.

I'm NOT thankful for the mess in my apartment that requires much cleaning before Christmas decorations. I am, however, extremely thankful I have a home.

I'm also thankful for Asher, my little Christmas Spirit. I couldn't be so in the mood for Christmas without his excitement and anticipation! There's nothing quite as magical as a child waiting for Santa Claus, and he's doing a perfect job reminding me this year.