Why men don’t fancy Funny women

More than half the men who took part in the survey revealed that a witty woman was not what they were looking for in a partner. Dr Martin said the findings suggested that men see themselves as the ones who should be delivering the lines and feel threatened by humorous women.

This is one of many articles I have seen, since I entered (and then opted out of) the absurdly dysfunctional world of dating, where studies dissect dating behaviour and try to understand what men (and women) find appealing in a partner.

There are articles that say that men don’t like women who make more money than they do. They don’t like educated women. They don’t like women who are taller than them. They prefer younger women. They don’t like fat women, or women with children from previous relationships. They don’t like women with opinions. They don’t like “needy” women. They don’t… well… you get the picture.

I don’t even actively seek out this sort of information and according to most of these things… as an educated, overweight, somewhat tall, funny (well… that’s subjective), ambitious, not-being-able-to-be-bought-off-with-diamonds, mother of 3 with a chronic illness and a litany of abandonment and avoidance issues that I grapple with every day…. I should just shoot myself right now because I am going to die alone. I am so undateable it’s not funny.

It sounds absurd, right?

Similarly, men are subjected to the message that they must be successful, tall, romantic… hell even I have my list of what I look for in a partner.

But you know, the more I navigate this whole “single” and “dating” thing… I realise that whilst some of the catch cries are true when things are unhealthy or not working out (Read: “He’s Just Not That Into You” and everything on the brilliant Baggage Reclaim) - it’s, quite frankly, all a load of crap, because at the end of the day, we love who we love. It actually isn’t a conscious choice.

It’s easy to theorise about people when they are an intellectual concept or stereotype, saying what your preferences are. Maybe, when they asked the question about funny women, the men actually pictured Catherine Tate, or Janeane Garofalo, who they weren’t physically attracted to. Or, they have a theory that most comics are depressed… and they have extrapolated a stereotype that helps them respond to a complex question.

As someone who was asked this on radio, TV, and continue to be asked…”What makes your ideal mate?”, it’s a highly, highly complex question to answer. I always kind of muttered and said “When you know, you know.”

But at the end of the day, it is quite simple. First, it is possible to be an exception to “The Rules”. Second, no-one fully understands what makes a successful relationship. Third, and the most important point:

There is always someone who will love you for you. All of you. It might not happen right now, and let’s be honest, your flaws may shit them no end… you may not even fit their “check list” at all. But eventually, someone will come along who accepts you for who you are… and possibly even loves you for your ‘flaws’. In fact, for anyone I have ever dated, it has always been their idiosyncracies and “deviations” from my check-list that have been the most appealing.

So I guess my point with this study, and like all of the similar ones… is that you shouldn’t settle. And you most certainly should not modify who you are. It’s OK to feel alone and frustrated and lament that men don’t like assertive, successful women with baggage and a sense of humour (let alone health problems!). Hell, I worry all the time that that magic mix of the right person, right timing and right circumstances will never fully align… But no-one should have to compromise who they are just for the sake of a relationship. Yes, sure, working towards self-improvement is one thing — like I said, I have a whole host of crappy things that I work on every day… but being intelligent and funny are QUALITIES not FLAWS. And no way is it something I would EVER modify for the sake of another person.

Be you. The rest will happen… eventually. Maybe. And if it doesn’t, so what?

Of course, in 2012 – in the age where private citizens are all living publicly through social media, we all are, but as my “profile” increases, I have had to grapple internally with the idea that what I say… actually matters. And that I have reached a point where I now have to play by a different set of rules.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my ex-husband about what I say online. Like most people navigating through a break-up, we (I) have said things via social media (in the heat of the moment) that were not very nice. For the most part, I think we do OK, and we decided to mutually unfollow, unfriend… and move on. And for the most part, that works.

The other day, I called him a dickhead on Twitter.

It’s innocuous enough, right? I mean, people get called a dickhead every day on the internet. Hell, people call me a dickhead (and worse) on a daily basis! Almost everyone who shares on social media has done a heat-of-the-moment update… especially during a break-up. It’s certainly something most people I know have been guilty of from time to time.

But they aren’t me.

When he initially raised it, I laughed. It seemed absurd that he would be so precious about it. Because he knows that 99% of the time, I don’t think he’s a dickhead. In fact, I think he’s a good person, a wonderful father and we are trying very hard to get along for the sake of our children. We don’t follow each other, we stay out of each other’s way for the most part, and the crux of my defence? How on earth is he reading it if we aren’t following each other?

He then said something that made me finally get it.

“Do you not realise you are everywhere?”

It was at that moment that I apologised.

Because, no, even though, intellectually, I know my Klout Score and see my blog stats and all those things… but… no… I don’t. I am just this person with a Twitter account who has always just tweeted like 5 people are reading. And now I find myself having to abide by a different code to others.

The reason I am talking about this discussion is not to justify my actions, rather to illustrate my main point.

There comes a tipping point between private citizen, chatting on the net… and “public” commentator. It’s something I have not yet reconciled, and up until recently, have seen it as a mere side effect of being opinionated. I’ve been blogging for 10 years. Writing on the internet for almost 20 years. I am doing now what I have always done, which is… just… write for my circle.

In 2012, however, things are changing. What I write spreads. And spreads quickly. No kidding… I get recognised on the street! What I say, more often than not, incites people to act, think… hold an opinion. It’s the nature of “influence”. It’s actually quite terrifying to think about, because (until recently) I have never actively sought influence, or recognition beyond my immediate circle… others just decided to listen along the way, to the point where I now represent a community.

It’s bizarre. I polarise, I have fans, I have haters. I get complimented & more smoke blown up my arse than many would want in a lifetime. I get insulted, I have had people stalk and physically threaten me. Even when people aren’t talking to me, they are talking about me: mostly positive, sometimes negative – most of it completely baseless (because… I really only have 3 close people who know anything about me, really…)… but…

My ex is right. Who wouldn’t be upset if they were called a dickhead by someone in my position? Where everyone in Perth, and beyond, had a picture of who he was based on shit that I have said in the moment?

It’s a really tough issue that I have not entirely reconciled within myself. That line between the sharing of my life that gave me this influence (after all, our married life was a big part of the content of this blog for 8 years!)… and realising that I also have a responsibility now, as a public figure, to behave differently.

Being held to a different set of standards to the “general population” is not necessarily a bad thing. It makes me want to do better and try to lead by example. Part of that involves now trying to avoid collateral damage in my personal relationships. Anyone that I date, marry, whatever, will be subjected to all of this… stuff. It’s weird, for sure… and it has taken me a while to even acknowledge that people listen to what I say. But it’s actually very difficult to be under the scrutiny of strangers, and even harder to know and accept that there are people that hate you.

Of course, it goes with the territory and I am certainly not complaining about it. But, for those who have tried to feed conflict in my personal relationships – think about things you have said online. And think about what would happen if people actually started reading it, picking it apart. Acting on it. It’s not an easy responsibility to have (especially when you don’t even realise people DO read).

I guess the first step is to acknowledge that there are different rules from now on, and try to still be the character people relate to. I’m trying to deal with this as best I can… and the first step is to apologise. And be more aware of the power my words have. Which is fucking AWESOME. I am so lucky. But, I need to do better.

We learned that 95% of the Australian public are apathetic to political discussion, not engaged, don't even know how government works. We learned that engaging the electorate-at-large in a meaningful debate was like pushing shit uphill.

It makes me wonder how much of an impact Social Media has had on this. I have seen several examples of people who would have been considered apathetic in those days, talking positively about political change. Getting involved. Getting active.

Maybe all people ever wanted or needed was to feel like what they say is being heard? What an incredibly heartening thing… to witness fundamental change as a result of technology. #wp

You want to know what Social Media is for me?

Stories.

Sharing those stories, hearing those stories, living.

This video caught my attention over the weekend.

Try and watch that video without completely losing your shit. I dare you.

Furthermore, this is just one video. Of millions. Of people putting themselves out there, sharing their stories with the hope of maybe, saving just one other person from not having to live through the pain that they have.

That is truly revolutionary.

We often joke about Facebook and Twitter overshare. Lamebook is one of the funniest showcases of humanity at its… um… finest.

But you know? How cool is it?

I remember back in 2009, when I posted the letter I had written to my doctor detailing all of my symptoms and requesting action. At the time, I thought I might have had Cushing’s… turned out to be boring old Lupus.

But that letter? It inspired someone else to write one to THEIR Doctor and they got their diagnosis and treatment.

When I write about my struggles with various things like Lupus, the death of a loved one and the grief afterwards… or my divorce… the feedback I get is tremendous. I get emails saying how me writing about the end of my marriage has given someone else the courage to leave. I have had emails from other people who have told me that my blogging through palliative care and death has helped them cope a little better. Or how talking about my “invisible” illness has made them feel less alone.

And it’s all just one post. One story. And one video, like the one above.

So yes, by all means talk about marketing. Talk about engagement. Talk about ways to capitalise on social media. But don’t forget that the personal stories are what make this time truly revolutionary.

My baby Julesy. My rock star, my shining light. My first foray into being the mother of a boy. My buddy, my quiet child, my geek.

My noodle-eater, my dag, my clown, my Mina-tormenter, my intense and utterly beautiful, kind-hearted son.

You’re six. SIX.

FUCK.

I remember writing Mina’s 6th Birthday post and that was 4 years ago.

I remember writing your birthday post about the Cheesecake shop raining Skittles from heaven and rescuing me from a cake disaster.

I remember this.

I remember this.

I remember this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

I remember Wiggles concerts.

I remember Pixar movie after Pixar movie.

I remember Wank. I remember… well…

everything, mate.

And I am watching them all tonight and grinning from ear to ear. It speaks for itself really :)

And I am just so immensely proud of you, I am finding it hard to put into words. Because, there was a time I was worried about you. And I am sorry for doubting you, because I was wrong. I have absolutely nothing to worry about, because you are kind, smart, cheeky and absolutely anything anyone could ever want in a son. Not that anyone else can have you because you are MY boy. And I am glad you chose me to be your Mum.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you on your actual birthday this year. As I am sure you know by the time you are reading this… I have health problems that sometimes prevent me from being able to do the things I want to do. This year, it was because you had 2 infections and it’s just too risky when I am in the middle of a flare. I felt awful and cried for a good portion of the weekend, because, well, noone really wants to be quarantined from their own children… but… my illness is getting more manageable as time goes on and hopefully, this will be a mere blip. Because you know I love you. I love you all, but Julesy, you have a special place in my heart.

It took me a while to really bond to you. Because I was prepared for losing you at 25 weeks, it was hard to not keep a safe emotional distance for the remainder of the pregnancy. Add to that the shock of having 2 kids (hahaha haha haha…. yeah)… well.. you know. But, you know I came back. And you are my special baby and always will be, even when you tower over me and smell like feet.

Keep being you.

I love you,

Mum

Let's say you are a Social Network. Not naming names, let's call it Doodle.

Let's say, there is a cool (albeit not terribly transparent or predictable) measure of social media influence that everyone in the industry monitors. Yes, any clever person uses a number of metrics, and there are plenty of tools that measure varying degrees of social media 'success'… but yours seems to be the one that people watch more than others.

Let's say your Doodle is a new player, with the weight of a global corporation behind it. With very clever strategists, excellent UI, and a loyal following/early adopter uptake, but is struggling to carve it's niche in a highly competitive market for hearts, minds, and advertising eyes.

It would be in your Doodle's interests to make sure that everyone who considers said influence tool, feels that, despite their reservations about your Doodle, are not fully on board.

What do you do?

You lobby.

You take them out to lunch. You woo. You, as the strategist, want to make uptake of your Doodle unavoidable in order to maintain said influence on that network.

Let's also say that you have a business social network. Let's say that there are people on there who have direct access to a lot of C-Levels within Corporations. It would be in your interest to have influence weighted based on the "level" of contacts as well as the number.

Now, I am not going to go so far as to accuse anyone of uneven weighting or collusions… but I have observed a marked disparity, across networks, and across locations in how Klout measure "influence".

It could be as simple as opening it up and being transparent, and trying to emulate real world networks rather than just volume, replies, and shares.

But, it's not a giant leap to think that there may be lots of "wooing" going on behind the scenes either, in the social media platform wars, to use Klout as a means of deciding where to post your content for maximum effect… possibly at the exclusion of other massive, popular networks.

Anyone in our game who would ask for advice on how to get greater penetration in the social media game… would advise them to take Klout out to lunch. Or possibly even do deals that, effectively weight the "influence" algorithms in favour of your network.

Thoughts? #wp

On one hand, I agree with the sentiment, in principle. On the other, I consider it to be ignoring one big point: That people are selfish, irrespective of the economic base it comes from.

Greed & individualism, at the expense of human compassion, are our enemy. Not the rich. Case in point: Every person that has ever fucked me over & destroyed MY life has been in the middle… even when presented with the option not to.

In fact, most of the people I have met who are in (or approaching) the 1%, are actually fucking great people, and do a lot for others.

Therefore, I choose to live my life according to this song:

I haven’t really had lots of time to reflect on where I am. The last few years were so focused on survival… I think I lost myself at some point.

But it has hit me that I need to step up. The divorce is being finalised, I am on my way to being back on my feet, I have my grief under control for the most part… and… you know… when I think about it…

I am doing pretty well.

I’ve been to hell and back the last few years, but.. considering… I think I am doing OK.

The only real remaining thing is my major, major issues with trust, abandonment & being a complete control freak trying to avoid being hurt.

It was cute grappling for control when I was a kid. It made me wise. It made me resilient and independent. It got me through a pretty shitty upbringing.

It was a barely tolerable idiosyncrasy in my 20s. Being hospitalised, writing lists for the Doctors rounds. Being self righteous and precocious.

It was my rescue in the last few years. Grappling for control in a freefall situation…it got me through.

But now? I think it has run its course. I don’t need to control everything. And as much as I lament about my daughter’s seriousness and wish she’d just relax… I need to remind myself that the world won’t cave in if I am not in complete control of every situation.

My control issues, particularly with regard to trust, is now a problem. It is a maladaptive pattern that actually does me (and others) damage. Every potential relationship I have had… it rears it’s ugly head when I am not able to control or predict the outcome… or, more specifically, someone ELSE has the control.

And I have realised today… that it just needs to stop. It’s not working for me anymore. I am not in danger. I am not in freefall. I am OK. So I can actually relax and relinquish control now, because… it’s OK.

The first step is acknowledgement, right? It’s easier said than done, I know. but… I’ll give it a good go.

Despite the best of intentions, unless you are prepared for the following answer:

“No, actually, I am not OK. My life has fed me a shit sandwich since the day I was born and it continues to get worse. The only reason I stick around is because I am too determined to not let my piece of shit life defeat me.”

or

“No, I think about ending my life every single day”.

or

“No, I need your help.”

Seriously? Don’t ask.

If you are not prepared to pay $100 an hour for a Psychologist, or are not prepared to pay their bills and feed their cat when they are hospitalised…

If you are not prepared to have someone break down in front of you.

If you don’t really know someone very well.

Then back the fuck off.

It’s a nice thought, really, but are you equipped to deal with the answer?

Have you experienced our mental health system lately?

The help isn’t there. Not really. Funding is cut to mental health services. No one gets support when recovering. Not really. We still have to work, pay bills, prioritise our days, parent… we all have to cope.

I agree that suffering in silence is a big, big problem. But sometimes, not talking about it helps you to just get through one more day, without losing your shit entirely.

If you have ever sat in a Psychologist’s office, you will know the power of the question “How are you?”. It’s a big responsibility to ask that question. It is not something that should be done without serious consideration. And training.

I know they mean well. But… this is serious stuff. Reducing Psychology into water cooler conversation is the height of irresponsibility and recklessness.

This is quality, quality LOLs with a very fierce statement.

Good on you Nancy. I love it.