Taby's Corner

Grief: The Passing of a Friend

2011-11-20T16:14:00.001-05:00

Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Above are what is the accepted model for the stages a person goes through when experiencing a loss. Others maintain there are 7 stages of grief:

Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Bargaining
Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
The Upward Turn
Reconstruction and Working Through
Acceptance and Hope

Whether you believe in 5 or 7 stages is unimportant. The ultimate message is that we all grieve when the loss of a loved one occurs and these stages occur in a "predictable" pattern....

What we can sometimes forget is that these stages of grief are experienced on a different timetable depending on the person. These predictable stages can last from a day to years and there is no predictable way of determining how long each stage will last for each person. Additionally, each stage may be repeated, making the grieving process longer.

When someone dies, be it a 2 legged or 4 legged love, a winged or finned companion, that loss is felt by all that came into contact with that being. The impact may be small or it may be astronomical. As we go through our lives we tend to forget the impact we have on every living thing around us. Simply passing someone on the street and smiling or scowling has an impact that we may never see. But even if we don't see it, does it mean that impact is any less important?

Recently, my family lost one of our 4 legged loves. Our canine companion fell ill and we were forced to make a decision to end her pain. That loss was great for all in our household as this precious being impacted us all in wonderful yet different ways. For some, she was a reason to get out of bed; a driving force to continue on with life when things seemed too bleak to go on. For others she was the protector, warding off demons from the past; offering a feeling of safety and comfort when one felt most alone and afraid. And yet for all she was the constant companion. The loving and playful friend that always greeted you at the door impatiently awaiting your arrival. No matter how long you were away, be it minutes or days you received the same enthusiasm, the same frantic kisses, the same 70lb hug that only a dog could give.

Those who have never owned a pet can never truly understand the impact these loving creatures can have on your soul. The unconditional love and support, the constant presence and reminder that there is in fact good in this world leaves footprints on our hearts that last a lifetime. The loss of these creatures, these 4 legged loves, these winged heroes and finned companions is great. The loss, for anyone who knows, is akin to the loss of a child or best friend. Because that is in fact what they become to you.

The thing about grief is that though we all may feel it, we all will feel it in different ways and at different times. That means, ultimately, that we all grieve alone.

That sounds sad, lonely and kind of scary yet it remains a fact. Parents that lose their child often times separate because of this very fact. They each are lost to their own pain and lose sight of what remains: Each other. In some cases, though there may be no fault or blame, each may still hold the other responsible for their loss or even hold themselves responsible and shut themselves off from the other because of an overwhelming sense of guilt.

This is a sad fact of our lives as human beings. There will always be times in our lives when we will be completely alone in our ordeal. Though there may be those around us that love us and wish to offer support, that may be feeling the loss of the same love, we will not be able to feel their comfort because we must tackle these events alone.

Grief and Death are two instances in life where we are completely alone. We die alone and we grieve alone. Though we may have others present as we take these journeys, we will remain solitary. This is not a bad thing. This is a part of life and living. It's painful but it's true. It's not pretty by any means but it is a part of this adventure we call life.

The best we can do when a loss has struck our lives, is to take our individual journeys and offer love to those around us experiencing the same loss. Strive to get through the devastating loss and remember that there is so much life yet to live. Remember the impact of that special being and the part they played in our lives. Remember the lessons they taught us and grieve, as only we can grieve: Alone. And once you have reached acceptance, remember that though you were alone in your own personal grief, you are not alone in your life.

Love one another. Throughout all life, there will inevitably be death but those that remain must carry on and ensure that the memory of those that have gone before us are never lost forever.

In loving memory of Shiloh

Publish or Perish

2011-10-15T20:15:00.003-04:00

I finally did something that I had been spending years thinking about: I published a book.

I began writing short stories a few years ago and the creative outlet was cathartic. In an unhappy marriage, it was a way for me to escape the misery and live another life. The stories I wrote weren't necessarily fact though they weren't necessarily fiction either, but that is the beauty of creative writing; you mix bits of fact and fantasy to create a tale that captures the imagination.

Surprisingly, this creative outlet and the pursuit of writing was what inspired me to leave my unhappy situation and find a life that was more about my happiness than that of others. So often we forget ourselves in the process of "living" and find we've lost the parts of ourselves that make us unique. The aspects of ourselves that make us "Us."

In the process of the separation from my marriage, I began to lose my confidence and the idea of publishing a book became so big to me that I gave up. I set my dream aside and walked away from it...until recently.

So often we let the voices in our head out-shout the voices of others. Though I had many voices shouting to publish, I chose to listen to the voice in my head and not. I chose to hide away and not put myself out there any further than I already had. Today, I concurred my fears of rejection and criticism and tossed myself out into the world.

The book I had spent the last few years pondering and writing has finally been published. I opted to publish the book myself in effort to maintain full creative control over my work. The downside is it's all up to me to sell it. But now that I've taken this first step, I am determined to keep going. Breathless Musings will not be my only literary effort. I'm certain of it. I'm becoming certain of myself.

A Thought from George

2011-10-08T20:48:00.001-04:00

This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. ~ George Carlin

This about sums it up.

The Fall of Rome...and the U.S.

2011-10-08T00:23:00.001-04:00

“It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.” ~ Garrison Keillor

The barbarians are coming and our air conditioning is running...this time the barbarians are the U.S. Government. Are we going to learn from history or are we going to simply turn up the AC and welcome our demise?

What will it take for the citizens of the United States to realize that the power to end this terrible time lies in the palm of their own hands? It's as simple as writing to your government leaders and demanding better. Our tax dollars pay their salaries. At this point, we're paying them to take advantage of us. How about we stop paying them? We have the power and it's as simple as casting a ballot for change.

So what will you do? Contact your government leader or turn up the AC? Demand change or continue to pay for these people to pick our pockets? Sit back and wait for the barbarians or expect more from our government?

Always

2011-10-07T13:23:00.004-04:00

The baby was finally asleep and Bree was busy at the kitchen sink washing dishes and preparing the baby’s bottles for sterilization. It had been a long day spent chasing after Maddy, a good day nonetheless and soon Jim would be home. This was the time of day they both relished. A late night dinner, the 11 o’clock news, catching up on their day and sometimes making love before they fell asleep.

Bree had just finished with washing and drying the dishes and had filled the sink with Maddy’s bottles when she felt the hand on her backside. With a yelp of surprise and a grin, she kept working on the task at hand and giggled as she scolded,

“Jim, honey, you scared the shit out of me! I didn’t hear you come in!”

The hand at her bottom, slid to her hip and she felt the hair at the nape of her neck get gently swept aside as lips pressed against her skin. Leaning her head back against the hard shoulder behind her, she let out an moan of approval.

“Close your eyes,” he whispered in her ear, “and keep them closed.”

With a giggle, a nod and a sigh, Bree relaxed and let Jim’s hands travel and caress over her body. Reaching behind her, she pressed her hands against his thighs and pushed her backside against his groin, giving a little wiggle. He groaned in response and whispered in her ear once again,

“Not this time, baby, this one’s for you.”

She felt Jim’s hands move to the edge of her shirt and work their way underneath, making contact with her skin. The feel of his hands on her body sent shivers coursing through her. She had taken her bra off long ago in the evening and when his hands made contact with her bare breasts she couldn’t contain her shudder. Since the baby, her breasts had become much more sensitive and Jim’s thumbs brushing against her now taught nipples made her hungry for more. As his hands moved over her breasts, his lips kissed a trail along her neck up to her ear. His teeth grazed over her tender lobe, his tongue flit over the sensitive flesh.

His right hand left its loving ministrations at her breast and slide slowly down her soft belly. Bree moaned as he neared the edge of her yoga pants. He ran his finger across her flesh, leaving a hot trail from one side to the other before he slid past the waistband and beyond her panties. She was near panting by the time he reached the juncture of her thighs and cupped her sex in his hand before letting a single digit slip in between her moist lips. Her hips moved in response as his finger stroked and caressed her wet, hardened bud of arousal and when her orgasm washed over her, he continued to work his finger over her flesh.

When the pulsing waves finally subsided, she sighed contentedly as his arms wrapped tightly around her. Jim pressed his lips against her neck once more and whispered softly in her ear,

“With all my heart, I love you, Breanna. Don’t ever forget that. No matter what the future holds, know that I am forever with you and Maddy. I will be with you. Always. I promise you.”

Before she had a chance to ask Jim why he was being so cryptic, the doorbell rang. Bree turned around and found herself completely alone. Heading for the front door, she expected to see Jim already there, but he wasn’t. As the doorbell rang again, she heard him say to her,

“Open the door, baby.”

Her body began to shake as a feeling of dread washed over her and she made her way to the door. When she opened it, she knew without a single word being spoken. The state troopers standing on her doorstep looked solemn and uncomfortable and clearly were not looking forward to this part of their night. Jim had not been in the kitchen with her moments ago at least not his body and he never would be again. The tears began to fall as they told her of the accident. The details were meaningless. Nothing mattered.

Jim was dead.

Need

2011-10-06T11:02:00.003-04:00

Every second an eternity.
Every moment lasts forever.
I hear your voice,
I smell your skin,
I feel your breath.
It’s neverending yet, just an instant.
Oh, the sweet torture.
I am captive.
I am lost.
I am yours.
Always.

A Pledge Of Tomorrow

2011-10-06T01:02:00.000-04:00

Every beat of my heart,
Every breath from my lungs
Has a whisper of you
And a hint of your love.

Every bat of your lashes,
Every smile at your lips
Has a promise of heaven
And the light of the stars.

Every glance my way,
Every word you speak,
Holds the heat of the sun
And the kiss of the rain.

Every touch to my skin
Every kiss to my cheek
Holds the pledge of tomorrow
And the glimmer of forever.

An Exploration in Kissing

2011-10-05T22:38:00.001-04:00

The Kiss.
The joining of ones lips to another can say so many things. We generally call to mind a pair of lovers in an empassioned embrace, mouths seeking and exploring, tasting and devouring and basking in the glory of the one they love or desire. A kiss however, can say so much more. A kiss can say, “I have wanted you for so long!” It can say, “Until we meet again” or even “I’m sorry, please forgive me.” A kiss can even mean, “Goodbye” Let us explore these kisses and revel in their beauty…

He took me completely by surprise.
One minute, I was sadly telling of my recent heartbreak to my best friend and then in the blink of an eye, his hand was in my hair and his lips were pressed firmly to my lips. Eyes wide with shock, I looked at him as he began to move his lips over mine. He tilted his head and his lips parted urging me to do the same. My eyes closed as I let the sensation of his lips send currents of electricity through me. His tongue dove into my mouth as my lips parted. His hand in my hair tightened into a fist as his other hand moved around my waist. My body pressed against his creating a scorching fire I never expected. My tongue moved against his, stroking, tasting. My hands were at his waist, his shirt balled up in my fists and I couldn’t remember how they had gotten there. His mouth slanted over mine again and again, his tongue delving deep. My arms wrapped around him tightly as my hips began to grind against his. He suddenly pulled his mouth away, his hands going to either side of my face. His eyes searching mine, for what, I didn’t know. A small smile touched his lips as he placed a gentle kiss to the tip of my nose and stepped back, putting space between us. Our eyes locked as we spoke volumes in the silence.

“I have to go!”
I said in a rush as I pulled away for what was surely the hundreth time in the last ten minutes. Tugging on my arm, he drew me back against his body pinning my arm behind my back as his mouth devoured mine once again. His tongue made a trail over my lower lip before taking it between his teeth with a growl. He released my lip and claimed my mouth.
“I really…really…have…to go.” I whispered between kisses.
He ran his tongue over my upper lip and I sighed before slanting my mouth over his and diving my tongue into the warm and inviting recess of his mouth before pulling away abruptly.
“You’re going to make me late!” I said in mock irritation.
Letting me go, I stepped away, putting distance between us and began gathering my things for the day; purse, lunch, coat. Just when I thought I would finally make it out the door, his arms were around me once again drawing me against his body. Lips trailed kisses up my neck before claiming my mouth once more in an all consuming knee weakening kiss, then just as quickly, he released me. With a satisfied grin he gave me a gentle shove to the door.
“Have a good day, my love. I’ll see you later.”

“Please forgive me…”
His words rang in my ears as I tried make sense of all that had been said. My thoughts and feelings jumbled up in a mix of confusion, anger, pain and betrayal. Tears fell from both our eyes as he looked pleadingly at me and I looked blankly at the wall beyond him. He spoke, but I heard nothing save the words that brought us here. He moved slowly toward me and knelt on the floor. Placing his hands on my knees, he spread my legs slightly to move in closer. Feeling numb, I sat motionless as his hand went to my chin forcing me to meet his gaze. His mouth continued to move as words were spoken but my ears still heard none but those words. Those words that shattered everything to pieces. I closed my eyes and tried desperately to pretend none of it was happening. His lips brushed lightly against mine. I remained unmoving, unresponsive as his lips sought forgiveness. He whispered as he kissed me again and again. His tongue tenatively brushed my lip, tasting my now dried tears. I sat unmoving, unfeeling, numb until opening my eyes to meet his gaze. I watched him as he leaned his forehead against mine then kissed me again. I tried to respond, my lips stiffly pressed to his but it felt wrong. Pulling back from him, I pushed him aside and walked away.

I watched him as he packed everything that belonged to him.
I sat unmoving on the bed unable to comprehend what was happening. We knew this day was coming. We had talked about and had planned and prepared. Yet now that it was here, I felt the loss envelope me as I watched him pack up his clothes, cologne, running shoes, deodorant. All of it would be gone once he walked out the door. I felt the loss of each item. Silly as it seemed, each item was a piece of him. I could only hope he would forget something. Maybe a shirt, a pair of socks or a bar of soap would be unseen and thus left behind. He stopped in his progress to look at me. There was sorrow in his eyes that must of mirrored my own. He leaned down and zipped his bag closed. Straightening, he walked over to me and knelt on the edge of the bed. Raising up on my knees to meet him, our hands went to each others face as our lips met. Tears sprang from my eyes as I began to cry. The tears traveled over our lips and we both tasted the sorrow. Pulling away, he pressed his cheek to mine and remained still as the moments passed. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and clung to him as I cried openly. He wrapped his arms around me and placed gentle kisses to my neck before pulling away. He moved off the bed and stood before me. Looking off into the distance, he told me he loved me and that he would always be with me. His voice shook as he spoke and my tears fell ever faster. In a quick movement his hand went to the back of my head and drew me close for one last kiss. So brief, his lips pressed to mine before he turned and walked away, closing the door behind him.

Privacy on the Web...Or the Lack Thereof...

2011-10-04T02:56:00.000-04:00

Recently, Facebook announced it would be changing its face of social networking. Apparently, this new face will be a culmination of everything you are doing on the web in one "convenient" location. The same can be said for Google+ and it's ability to allow you to +1 random web findings and postings.

Both of these social networking sites were sites that I had been participating in. Posting every thought, every action, every show or movie I was watching, every book I was reading and every place I was going. Without more than a fleeting thought of the consequences of these "posts", I was more than happy to share everything about me with the world. If I was having a bad day, I would post. If I was having a good day, I would post. If I was going to the market for milk, I would post. If I was reading a book or watching a television show, I would post. I think you get my point here.

A question has been raised in my mind however of: When is the information you are sharing with the world "too much information?" Is it when I post exactly where my grocery store is located? Is it when I post that I just cried my eyes out while watching an episode of Bones? Or is it when I post that my doctor has prescribed a medication for an illness?

When do we draw the line of enough is enough and say to ourselves; the world does not need to know every single thought, feeling or action we take in our lives?

For me, I have decided to delete my G+ account. I have deactivated and submitted for deletion of my Facebook account and now have a twitter account that I have locked against public view. I no longer participate in GetGlue to post everything I watch, read or think about. I no longer "check-in" to FourSquare to let the world know I have just arrived at a local Dairy Queen. I have come to the conclusion that complete strangers do not need this information and these are things I am determined to now keep private.

Is this something everyone should do? I think yes. I think there are too many opportunities to use even our most mundane actions against us. Job searchers are now finding that their activities on social networking sites are being reviewed while in the hiring process. Do you want to be turned down for a job because of something you posted on Twitter or "liked" on Facebook? I certainly don't.

Do you want to be stalked by your ex who is unable to let go of the past and still wants to be a part of your life? Again, I don't.

We all have things we should be keeping private. We all have things we would not wish even our mothers to know. My suggestion is to consider the information you are putting out there into the world and ask yourself this: Is this information really for the public?

The Agonized Heart

2011-10-03T19:00:00.000-04:00

He walked for miles with the knife in his heart. Tears of pain and sorrow raining down, covering the earth with a burning trail behind him. The ash and char covered the ground leaving no evidence of the blooming life that once was. No grass, no flowers, no trees remained, simply the devastation of a broken soul traveling by. As he wandered the countryside, people stopped to stare but their stares quickly ended as they succumbed to the flames and were burned to ash. Their screams of agony echoing in the air long after their remains were blown away.

In his travels, he saw none of this as the haze of tears that filled his eyes blocked all vision, leaving him completely blinded. His wails of suffering mingled with the screams of those he left behind was a chilling reminder to all that followed, agony passed through here. Many that came to see the devastation quickly left, unable to tolerate the scene before them. For a few, the despair hit them instantly in the deepest depths of their soul causing a break from sanity. For these few, they wandered the countryside calling out for those they had loved and lost unable to remember that the desolation they saw around them was not of their own doing but that of another. Their pain so real, they became lost to the world they knew, trapped in a cycle of reliving their loss again and again, forevermore.

He traveled thus for years, the destruction vast and all consuming. Those that knew of his tale and heard of his nearing, quickly packed up and left, not wanting to be lain to waste as so many before them. Eventually, it was decided that something must be done. Refusing to remove the knife that punctured his heart, he was becoming a dreaded menace that had to be stopped before there was nothing left of the world that was good and warm and beautiful. No one dared to approach him though as they knew it would end in certain death. No one willing to give of themselves a sacrifice to save all others.

No one, that is, until it came to pass that a young woman of great strength decided she would be the one to save him. She had heard his tale and seen the desolation left in his wake and knew that no one would be brave enough to approach him. She also knew that there would never be sunshine again, if she did not take on this task for herself. She was terrified yet determined. Her heart went out to him and she longed to end his pain. She saw him not as the menace that others saw but as a tortured soul crying out for rescue. She knew not if she had the strength, but she was determined and she knew that sometimes determination is more powerful than strength.

She began asking questions from all who knew of him, hoping to find out where he was and the direction he was moving. Being blinded, he was not traveling in a straight line but weaving and circling throughout the land and no one knew he was nearing until it was almost too late. She followed his trail for months, struggling with the pain she saw, striving to maintain her grasp firmly on her own sanity. She could not allow herself to fall victim as so many had if she was to be successful. As the days and weeks passed by, her strength waned but her determination grew. The more she learned of his tale, the more she began to understand him and wished to offer him comfort.

Thoughts of him filled her heart and her love for him began to grow. She radiated beauty and light in her love and as she traveled the paths he left behind, the world began to blossom. Grass began to peek through the ash and char and flowers began to bloom. People no longer journeyed to see the devastation that he left behind but the glory she was creating. No one could believe their eyes, amazed by it all and wept tears of joy at the renewal of the land they cherished.

She however, was unaware of the changes. Her strength no longer as powerful as it once was, she moved slower than before yet never looked back. At times, weakness overcame her and she was forced to rest in an attempt to regain the strength she once had. Her determination never faltered and that was how she fed her strength and was able to continue on. As she took her rest one day, she closed her eyes and listened closely for the wailing cries that could always be heard. She let his pain fill her, hoping in someway to take it unto herself and diminish it for him.

When she opened her eyes, she saw him in the distance. He moved slowly, and stiffly. His hair long, his beard wild, his eyes glazed, he was the picture of sorrow. She moved to him slowly, fighting the burning pain that threatened to consume her. Closing her eyes against the suffering she began to gather her strength more than ever before. Her love for him filled her heart and created light that radiated around her, becoming like a beacon of hope and joy. The brightness of her broke through his blindness and he was able to see her standing before him. The tears in his eyes continued to fall yet his agonizing cries faded into silence.

She gazed upon him with rays of light bursting through the darkness. Lifting her hands, she grasped the handle of the knife still protruding from his heart. He stood before her mesmerized by her brilliance and did not try to stop her as she attempted to remove the blade. Her movements were slow as the blade was stubborn. Having been a part of him for so long, the knife had warped and shifted and created a shell around his heart. Trying with all her might she was still unable to move the blade. Tears of frustration fell from her shining eyes as she told him of her journey and her love for him.

As her words tumbled forth her hands fell from the blade and she hung her head in shame. She had failed. The months of traveling hit her at once and the strength she had begun to regain, fell away. Darkness began to descend and blanket the land once again. Looking around him, he saw the beauty that she had created begin to fade and realized that she was dying. As she slipped to the ground, he wrapped her in his arms and held her close. He began to stroke her hair and whisper softly words of comfort. He touched his lips to her forehead, to her cheeks, to her nose begging her to open her eyes and shine her light once again upon his face.

With a heavy sigh she opened her eyes and gazed upon him. Her light nearly faded, her strength gone, she whispered her love and died in his arms. The realization of what the world had lost in that moment filled him with regret and guilt. Tears began to fall from his eyes once again but not in pain from the knife in his heart but from regret at never being able to bask in her glory ever again. She had sacrificed herself to save him and now was lost. He closed his eyes and pressed his lips to hers. He remain thus, frozen in time, his lips joined with hers. The knife in his heart fell away in feathered flakes of rust yet he stayed unmoving.

As the days and months turned to years, the world renewed. The growing seasons began again and joy returned. Stories were told far and wide of the couple wrapped in each others arms in a loving embrace enjoying a kiss that would last for eternity. In the spot where their bodies once lay grew two trees entwined together, leaving it impossible to tell where one ended and the other began. This became a place for lovers to make their promise to each other. The promise to love each other with their whole heart and forever. Those that travel to this spot swear they see the lovers together walking hand in hand pausing now and then to share a kiss. They say, if the lovers appear while a young couple makes their promise of love, they will remain together in happiness for all time.

Revenge

2011-10-03T18:38:00.001-04:00

Holding the knife in his hand, he was ready to pounce. Muscles tense, breath shallow, he waited patiently for his chance. Eyes darting left and right missed nothing as he waited for his prey to arrive. He had timed it perfectly, his arrival to this spot, in effort to ensure he had no witnesses. The timing had also given him a chance to think. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, Garrick couldn't say, but he had been waiting for this moment for far too long and now that it was here he was not going to let it slip away. She was the reason he was here. He had made a promise and he intended to keep it.

He had loved her from the moment he saw her. They were children then and would play in the village when their parents brought livestock or grain in for sale. Catching a glimpse of her chasing a butterfly in the nearby field, his heart was instantly hers. She had jumped to and fro as she tried to catch the butterfly in her grasp. Her blond hair flowed freely in soft waves around her shoulders and shown like a halo of light. He had been captivated by her and she had held his heart in her tiny grasp ever since.

Years later, he would lay next to her for hours, running the soft tendrils of her beautiful golden hair through his fingers, bringing the locks to his nose to smell the sweet fragrance that was so distinctly hers. Piper would wake to see him gazing down at her, smile, touch her hand to his cheek and demand his lips meet hers for the first kiss of the day. They started each day basking in each others arms, loving each other and enjoying every moment they could before the world demanded they leave their bed and begin the day. She would cook them breakfast and he would tend to the livestock before eating and heading out to the fields.

After a long day working their land, Piper and Garrick would sit and dine, discussing the days events and activities. She would then take care of a bit of sewing or weaving while he would repair a tool or work his knife over a piece of wood, carving yet another pawn for his chess set. After, they would sit together before the fire, wrapped in each others arms. With the help of Piper's imagination, they travelled to far off places that neither ever dreamed they would visit in their lifetime. She was skilled in the art of telling a tale and the sound of her voice would be more soothing to him than the warmest of blankets on the coldest of nights. Then, when finally in bed, they would make love once again before falling asleep wrapped up together as one.

Theirs was a simple life of just the two of them. They worked their small crops together, took care of their livestock and led a quiet, happy existence of simple pleasures. Watching her feed the chickens had been one of his favorite pastimes and one such simple pleasure. The lilt of her voice as she called to the birds and the delicate sway of her hips as she moved was magic to him. She was his heart, he loved her above all others.

This was the life they shared. Neither wished for anything more. This little slice of the world was all they had wanted and this simple life was all they needed to be happy. Children, would be a welcome addition to their existence, but both were content to let that come in its own time. For now, it was just the two of them.

They had been wed only a short 2 years before she was taken from him. The villain had watched her in the fields, tending to their crops. He had lain in wait for her to be alone and attacked. She had fought him with every last ounce of her strength, right to her last breath. The evidence left from the crime told that story. The blood that covered the field created a horrifying scene. Tufts of her hair float through air as the wind blew through and Garrick's bellow of horror as he came on the scene could be heard for miles.

They had found him sitting in the middle of the field cradling what remained of Piper in his arms. No longer recognizable to those who knew her, it had been immediately clear that some sort of evil had occurred but not the victim, until taking one look at Garrick. His face was a mask of torment as he gazed upon his beloved, gently stroking what was left of her hair. His voice barely audible as he hoarsely whispered words of love and encouragement to her. It was clear to all that she was gone. There was no way she could have survived given the amount of blood lost and what remained of her body, but no one had the heart to approach him. No one dared to take her from him. They knew, he had to come to understand she was gone on his own.

They left him thus for no one was sure how long. No one could bare to look upon them. The men had begun to search the scene for any evidence of her murderer. Many had to stop in their search to relieve their stomachs, such was the ghastly conditions. Some had found a trail of what they suspected was the devil they were after and quickly set out on the hunt to find him. Those that remained behind gathered together a distance away and waited. No one knew how long it would take and many feared they would have to step in and take her from him, but all were scared of the outcome were that to happen.

They spoke in hushed voices amongst themselves, but all grew silent when they saw him stand, Piper still held close to his chest. Looking through them all, he began walking in their direction but then kept moving as he made his way to their little cabin. He paused as he walked through the door, looking at the home they once shared together but never would again. His footsteps quiet against the floor, he made his way to the bed they shared and gently lay his beloved down. Smoothing her hair from her forehead, he grabbed a blanket and covered her body as his whispered softly his love for her.

He fell to his knees as soon as he exited the cabin. His head went back and his roar of agony sent chills through the hearts of the sternest of men there. When his voice was gone, Garrick hung his head and wept openly for the loss. The women that had gathered in the crowd went to him and wrapped him up in loving arms. He felt none of it. Nothing but the pain of his heart having been slaughtered.

When the tears finally stopped, he was but a shell. All who knew Garrick, knew him to be a gentle man with a kind heart but those who looked upon him now could see little trace of that man remaining. From that moment on, the man they all knew and loved was no more. He had died with his beloved and the man that was left behind was someone else. Someone with a singular purpose: Revenge. He spent months, then years tracking the villain responsible for his loss. He had made his promise to Piper that her death would be avenged and it was one he intended to keep at all costs. He had never killed before and wondered at what it would be like to have anther's life be ended by his own hand, but thoughts of her drove him forward and he knew he would do whatever it took to see the death of this devil. In his minds eye he was not a man but demon. He couldn't imagine a man being capable of the evil that lived within the soul who took his dear wife from him but, man or demon that person would pay.

When he had finally discovered who he was, Garrick fought every instinct he had to charge forth and slay him instantly. He decided on prudence, which brought him to where he was now. Waiting. He knew his target would be coming soon and he tried desperately to maintain his focus yet as he waited, he saw Piper. He always saw her when he closed his eyes. She was always with him in every waking moment yet now as he stood in the shadows awaiting his prey, he saw her yet again. As real to him as the tree he stood behind. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly against the image of her, his heart felt a stab of pain when he opened them to see the vision of her gone. He wanted desperately to bring it back, but now was not the time.

Just then he heard whistling and he knew. Now was the time for killing. Now was his chance to make right a terrible wrong. Garrick saw the man walking in his direction and took his stance. Knife in hand, his body poised he jumped from the shadows when he was mere feet away. Seeing he was to be attacked the devil moved quickly to fend off Garrick's impending blow and the fight was begun. This was not going the way Garrick had envisioned it would go but at this point he was fueled by rage and the memory of his beloved. He fought harder than he ever would have thought he would be capable and quickly gained the upper hand. His opponent lay flat on the ground before him.

Staring up at him were the eyes of evil. This devil recognised his attacker as surely as he recognised his own face and knew the time had come. Laying on the ground he calculated his next move. He would not die tonight, most assuredly not and waited for his opportunity to strike unexpectedly.

"Papa!"

And thus, his chance appeared. His daughter came rushing to them when she saw her father being attacked by a mad man, desperate to save him. Garrick, hearing her voice, quickly turned his head in the direction from whence it came and saw her. Blond hair flying behind her as she ran toward them, he saw not this villains daughter but his beloved.

"Piper..." he whispered and lost his balance as he turned to her. Taking the opportunity afforded him, Pipers killer quickly jumped into action and in one swift move grabbed the knife from Garrick's hand and drove the blade into his heart not once but twice.

Garrick felt not the heat of the blade piercing his heart. He saw nothing but Piper standing before him, with tears in her eyes. His love. His heart. He felt not the wound in the cursed muscle that insisted on beating in his chest since her death. On his knees, he swayed as he reached out to her. He longed to touch her just one last time. Longed to smell her hair and feel her warmth against him. He fell to the ground but kept her in his sight. As his vision grew dark and death approached, he saw her face, heard her voice and knew she was with him. His Piper. His beloved. They were no longer parted, but together as they were always meant to be. The corners of his mouth upturned for the first time since her death as the last bit of life left his body. He was at peace. At last.

Recent Controversy Over Religion

2011-08-11T12:41:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I was seeing posts about boycotting Pepsi because they were making a can that had the Pledge of Allegiance on it with the words "Under God" removed. After careful investigation into this matter I discovered that this was in fact a hoax. It was not true. Apparently, this particular rumor has been circulating for around 9 years.

Not too long ago, NBC chose to silence the words "Under God" in the pledge that was being televised at a sporting event. There was a major uproar over that and people, christian people, were extremely heated over the omission.

We've all heard there are two things you never discuss at work or the dinner table: Politics and Religion. These are subjects that people are always going to have an opinion over and think that theirs is the only way. I think we have all heard the saying "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and everyone thinks theirs doesn't stink." It's crude but true.

I am a firm believer in the ability to voice your opinions. Everyone has the right to be heard. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe and to be respected for that opinion.

I also believe that social media has its good qualities and its bad. Personally, it has allowed me to connect with other like-minded individuals which has made me feel like I'm not alone in my beliefs. That's important, for everyone. Being a minority in my "religious" beliefs has made me feel like an outsider more often than not. All those around me have an opposing view on religion and the world.

I respect that.

What I have found, however, is that many of those with opposing views do not respect me because of mine. Is this right? I don't think so. Many times, I have been in a position of voicing my opinions and being told I'm stupid, I'm going to "hell" or that I'm a terrible, soulless person.

The negative aspect of social media is that it tends to make people think they can say things to someone that they would never say in person. It allows people to think they can be rude, disrespectful and arrogant to others. How is this right? I don't think it is.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my friends regarding the Pepsi hoax. Friends who see things the way I do. Friends who may not see things the way I do but respect my opinion and right to express my views. The conversation, was healthy and lighthearted, until it wasn't.

I have said it before and I will say it again. You can have different opinions from mine. I will always show you the same respect you show me. I would never go onto someone's page via facebook, twitter, google + or any other social media or even in person and disrespect those views. I know my beliefs are in the minority and I'm okay with that, as long as my beliefs are not trampled upon.

The problem I see with America is that too often the choices that are made in this country, have a religious undertone. This is wrong. There are too many people in this country that do not believe the same things as the majority does. We are a diverse country of people who believe many different things. God, Yahweh, Allah, Space Alien Souls, Sky Gods, etc. are just some of the beliefs held in this country. Generally, that is all accepted.

But what if you don't believe in any of it? What happens then?

In my experience, a lot. People "like me" often are spit upon, literally and figuratively. It's not right. If we are the "land of the free" that means we are free to our own opinions and beliefs. It's written in our Constitution. It's the law. Too often the "religious right" conveniently forget that.

It was brought to my attention that there are soldiers in our country fighting for "people like me" and that in having my beliefs I was disrespecting the sanctity of what they represented. I disagree. Clearly, this person does not understand the truth behind being a soldier in this country. A soldier is fighting for my right to not believe what everyone else believes. A soldier in the US military is fighting for all of us to believe what we want because a soldier in our military is fighting to uphold the Constitution of the United States and anyone who believes otherwise should take a few moments to re-read it.

We have all heard the saying, "there are no Atheists in foxholes." This is a very incorrect statement. Just ask my fiance who served in the US Army and is an Atheist. This belief was actually respected by the US military, as were the beliefs of all the other soldiers that were serving. Not every soldier in the US military is a christian. Let's just remember that, shall we?

Every American has the legal right to voice their opinion. What I have seen over the last few years is that the "religious right" is gradually trying to take that away from me and others who believe differently from the majority, the right to voice our opinions. This is something we, as a people, can not allow to happen for one simple fact. The Constitutional separation of church and state. This is law. It's irrefutable. Look it up if you don't believe me.

I can't promise that I will hold the same beliefs that you hold, in fact, it's almost a certainty that I won't. But what I can promise is that I will respect you and your right to feel the way you do and believe the things you believe. All I ask is for you to do the same.

anyone's page and commented about my opinions. I respect everyone's rights. All I'm asking for is the same respect I have shown you. If you can't show me that, then we can't be friends. I will no longer tolerate the blatant disrespect that has been shown to me in the recent past. I have the right to defend myself... and I will.

Ultimately, I'm not angry over the events of yesterday. I'm not really an angry person. I'm simply too happy in my life to carry around that kind of anger. I'm hurt. I'm hurt by the unwarranted attacks and blatant disrespect.

I don't care if we have been friends for years. I don't care if we're family. I will not allow anyone to treat me with the level of disrespect that has been shown to me any longer. I deserve better. So do you. And I will defend that right.

Will you?

A message to my love

2010-05-08T00:47:00.001-04:00

Sonnet XVII

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,

or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this:

where I does not exist, or you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

The Birth of an Alien

2009-12-04T17:56:00.002-05:00

     I became pregnant at the age of nineteen. Although I was married and knew that my husband wanted a child, I was petrified at the thought of pregnancy and parenthood. How had this happened? Of course, I knew the machanics of how but hadn't I been careful in preventing just this kind of thing from happening? Well, apparently not. What kind of mother could I possibly be? I hated kids. They were loud and obnoxious. They always wanted something and they always threw tantrums over little things. How often had we seen a mother say "no" to her child's request for M&M's only to seconds later see that child on the floor, arms and legs flailing and a brain shattering scream coming from the tiny mouth of that little person in the middle of the grocery store. There was no way I was going to have the patience for that. There was no way I was going to be able to handle being the mom in that kind of scenario. So, what now?

     I knew I would have the baby. There was no doubt in my mind there. I also knew eventually, I was going to be the one thing I feared the most...a parent. So, now that I knew this little person was coming, what should I do? I wanted to be ready for the screaming little mass of person so I went to the book store and went hunting for any kind of book that would shed some light on the situation. I found one and it was called "What To Do With That Screaming Mass Of Person" or something like that. I read and read and read some more and when I finished that book, I started to feel a little better. That book pretty much made parenthood sound like the best job in the world. Sure they screamed, but only when they needed something. Sure they threw tantrums, but apparently a lot of those could be prevented. And sure, they were obnoxious sometimes but then again, I knew a lot of adults who share that same affliction.   Okay, I thought, maybe I can handle this.

     The more relaxed I became with the prospect of the up and coming parenthood, the faster the weeks flew by. Prenatal check-ups, aches, pains, increasing appetite, even more increasing waistline, all became part of daily life. Before I even realized it, I was approaching my ninth month. Where had the time gone? I didn't know. Where had my waistline gone? Far, far away. In the last few weeks, I was very ready for this little person to arrive. For some reason, I felt like that stretch of pregnancy seemed to take much longer to pass than the first eight months. It was like time began to slow down and almost come to a stop.

     "The Being" was scheduled to arrive promptly on April 15th. That was what the doctor said. Okay, so he said it would be around the 15th, but as far as I was concerned, that baby was coming out at 12:01 in the morning of April 15th because that was when the day technically began, right? I think that day had to be the longest day of my life. The little being was rolling around in my stomach, seemingly having a good time at kicking me in the ribs and rearranging my insides. It also seemed very content to stay right where it was. Didn't it realize that I was ready for it? I had all the paraphernalia that babies need from the crib to the one and only official "Binky" pacifier. Not only was I anxious for this baby to arrive, but all the moving around it did made me feel like, at any moment, a large claw-like, gnarly looking hand was going to burst through my belly button like that scene from "Alien". That day went completely uneventful, in fact almost the whole week went that way. I just knew this "little alien" was never coming out. I was going to be a forty year old pregnant woman, carrying around a twenty year old baby! I was of course being impatient but goodness it was really taking forever.

     It was April 21st when the little alien decided to make its grand entrance into the world. It was precisely 2:43 on a Friday afternoon. The nurse brought me a big bundle of blanket and laid it in my arms. One look at the reddish-purplish face and I knew for a fact that I had indeed given birth to a little alien. Her face ( it turned out the alien was a girl ) was all red and purple and wrinkled. She had no eyebrows but all the hair on her head made up for that. Then, when she opened her eyes, that's when I saw them, the eyes of an angel. The most beautiful, deepest blue I had ever seen. When I took a better look, I realized I was not holding a alien but the most perfect little girl ever born, pretty blond hair with streaks of white, those eyes and the cutest little baby nose. In actuality, she looked kind of like my 72 year old grandfather, but being the proud parent I was, she was perfect.

     We eventually went home and in the car it hit me, I was a mommy. No longer could I go through my life selfishly thinking about my wants and my needs, I now had to think about my baby's wants and her needs. Then I started thinking that maybe I wasn't ready for this motherhood thing. Maybe that book was wrong and it wasn't going to be some grand adventure. I burst into tears and cried for about fifteen blocks. By the time we arrived home, my husband was thinking I had gone insane and quite frankly so was I. I did manage to pull myself together and that turned out to be my only attack of panic.

     Looking back over the years of parenthood so far, I can say that nothing would have prepared me for the task. I never knew I could be so unselfish and absorbed in someone else's life. Every major decision I have made has been based mostly on how it will affect my daughter than on how it will affect me. In the process of teaching her about the world around her and the skills she will need in her life, I have learned, not only do I have the patience for parenthood, but I have the strength to be her mother and teacher. They really are one in the same, don't you think?

You offend me...

2009-05-13T12:02:00.002-04:00

What offends me is not your religion. Not the fact that you choose to submit to a higher power. Not that you choose to believe in destiny. Whatever the name of your god, it is not your god specifically that I take offense to. Your beliefs are your own and truly, if you choose to live your life with a certain value system that makes you feel whole at the end of the day then so be it.

That is your right as a human being.

Your persistence in attempting to force your views and belief systems on me however is what I hold offense to. If I clearly and succinctly tell you that I am in fact an Atheist please respect that and if you do not hold the same belief then change the subject. I shift gears easily and I know how to take a hint...you should do the same. Do not in the same conversation "bless [me]". What you tell me in that instance with just 2 words is that you disagree with me completely and have no respect for me whatsoever. I could tell you that you are acquiescing to an antiquated belief structure created to keep the masses in line much as our laws and police do now only with fear of "eternal damnation"...which would make you a moron. That would be rude, so I won't do that.

Grant me the same respect.

Your religion does not belong in the work place unless of course your workplace is a church or some place of worship. It doesn't belong on my doorstep or in my mailbox. Quoting to me that my statement of living the godless life is not true because "God is always with [me]" is out of line. I make the declaration of living the godless life to keep those comments away. Do not quote me scripture. I was raised Catholic, I am familiar with the bible...I even at one time owned one or two...I know whats in it...I don't believe in it.

I am certain if I began quoting Homer to you as fact that you would question my sanity...as I do you when you quote scripture to me. So this is my final statement to you, your religion does not offend me, you do. If you do not share in my beliefs and are unable to carry on a reasonable conversation with me on other topics that have nothing to do with religion then move it along...nothing to see here...

Friendship...for my ladies...

2009-05-12T20:58:00.002-04:00

Friendship, no matter how strong we may think it is at the time, is frajle. Over time, as we move through life we can take it for granted, thinking that although we are busy, caught up in the day to day grind of life, that it will always be there. Unfortunately, not so.
The bond you have today, or the bond you had yesterday should be just as strong years down the road, right? Not always. Although we may wish it to be so, a friend today may not be a friend tomorrow. There is something to be learned however from each friendship. Each interaction with another person helps to build and shape the person you are and the person you become. It may be great and sometimes it may not be so pretty, but its powerful and important nonetheless. To all my friends past, present and future, I am grateful for the experiences, the insight, the laughter, the tears, the arguments, the hate and the love. Each one has shaped me good or bad.

I hold no grudges, no animosity, no hurt, maybe just regret. If you were my friend yesterday, and are still today, I will hope for your friendship tomorrow. If you were my friend yesterday and yet not today, I will still hope for your friendship tomorrow. Ride with me on this ride of life and I know we will gather some stories and experiences that will continue to shape and mold us throughout our days.
It's not always easy, this thing called friendship. It can be quite frajle. It can also be stronger than you might think. To all of you that are my friends, thank you and I love you...carry on...