Taj Wanders

DSL Hell Revisited

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 21:53:00 +0000

My DSL is a big tease. Since early this morning it has been popping on and off. Just when I am about to chuck the whole lot of it out the window it suddenly comes back on. And I lovingly caress it, call it baby, thank it for being so beautiful. It blinks at me..my heart swells. I stroke the mouse and tap one finger quickly. I hold my breath waiting for that moment, that wondrous moment. Anticipation. And then....PAGE CANNOT BE DISPLAYED.

Bitch.

Called the tech line...you know those people that really don't give a flying crap and talk to you like your two. The first tech asks me two minutes into the conversation..."Have you gone online and checked our help page"? **Insert dumbfounded look here**. I tell him it's intermittent. He asked me what that meant. *Big Sigh*. 30 minutes later I know nothing more than I knew before. The DSL pops on while I'm on the phone. Great he says, I fixed it. I suggest we wait because the problem comes and goes..interfuckingmittant. 10 minutes of silence and my ho of a DSL box still hasn't gone out. So we hang up. Two minutes later, she conks out again.

Bitch.

Tech line round 2 gets me Sarenita. She knows what intermittent means. She runs a test line and says the problem isn't with them. She says my computer isn't receiving the information from them. Ya think? I spend the next 45 minutes plugging and pulling, clicking and powering down as instructed my whatshername. Nothing. She suggests maybe I need a new box. Ya think? Then she tells me the cost and proceeds to try and sell me everything from cable wires to steak knives.

Just send me a new modem. Wait, is that a kid I hear crying in the background? Is that glass breaking?? Suddenly Sarenita is anxious to get off the phone...wonder why. She says we need to be sure. She'll upgrade the priority of my problem and have a technician come out to have a look. Earliest available appointment? Next Thursday. Sarenita I say, go take care of your kid. I'll handle this on my own.

Turns out that after all the drama my box was just over heated (and not in a good way). Who told me this miracle of technical information?? The Kid. "Mom, it's hot. When the Playstation acted weird, you called it some bad names and said it was overheated. You took the plug out. The box thing needs it's plugs pulled".

See that there, I'm raising a friggin' genius! Screw you tech line, I got me in house assistance! Watch out MIT...Kid Wanders is coming! (Of course it will just be to ~~torture~~ ~~corrupt~~ say hi to your geeks. She probably won't be attending. She'll be too busy trying to stay out of ~~prison~~, trouble.)

*Posts tagged with "From the vault" were not written recently. I have a file full of old posts I never got around to posting. Since I'm still wrapping things up around here, I thought no better time than now to post them.*

Mom Wanders

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 02:03:00 +0000

34 years ago, on a cold winter night, a teenage girl gave birth to her only child....

Something happened in the last two weeks that changed my life. It forced me to confront and to forgive demons that have haunted me for far too long. It also gave me a sense of peace and calm I have never fully felt.

I alternate between emotions. I am wrapped in a welcoming sadness simply because I never thought I'd feel it. And that makes me happy. As odd as that may sound, the fact that I feel this pain makes me feel more like the phoenix someone likened me too.

Underneath it all. Despite it all. Through it all. I loved her. She was not Donna Reed. She made Peg Bundy look like a pro. She would have gotten on well with Joan Crawford. But she was the only Mother I had. And in those moments before she passed, for the first time in my life, I wanted her to hug me. To tell me that she loved me. To say everything would be alright. But it never came.

We walked the same path her and I. Physical, sexual and verbal abuse seemed to be written in the stone of our lives. Because she feared it, she became complacent with it and closed her eyes to what was being done to me. But I no longer blame her for my pain. She knew no other life. In a way, her acceptance of it allowed me the strength to leave her on that path and take the one she was too scared to travel.

In the days before her death I was told (by priest) that she felt I had abandoned her. She thought that I should not have left. That I should not have traveled that other path. And it saddens me to think that she thought that staying, as she did, was the right thing to do. It saddens me that she feared the unknown so much that living that life was better than freeing herself from her own demons.

I cannot change the past nor can I rewrite our painful history. But I do mourn. Deeper than I think anyone, including myself, ever thought I would.

34 years ago, on a cold winter night, a teenage girl gave birth to what would be her only child. On the back of her newborn daughters photo she wrote one word. Love.

I love you too Mom.

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak
whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
~William Shakespeare

Blimey O'Reilly!

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 18:34:00 +0000

During a quick on line conversation, it was suggested I was being a bit of a rude ass. Me? A rude ass? Who would have thought it? Actually it pertained to my sporadic posting and lack of commenting on this and others blogs. I hadn't thought that some may think me an ass for my lack of attention to this blog for the last month or two.

I have truly been incredibly busy. Every minute of my day is inked in blood. I've got the dark circles under my eyes to prove it! I may not be posting or commenting to my favorite blogs but I am utilizing my reader to it's fullest potential.

I will resume normal programming soon (honest)...or whatever normal is around here.
~~~

Oi! Yorkshire Chick!
Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Yorkie, Happy Birthday to you!

Hee hee...what you gonna do to me from all the way over there??

*To you my friend, I hold my glass high, and wish you nothing but happiness. May the many phases of your life that have yet to come be more joyful than you could ever imagine.*

Just Wandering

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:33:00 +0000

I've managed to catch a kick ass cold so I am currently exhausted and would like nothing more than to flop on the bed and never move. Obviously I can't do that, so thank goodness some of that is a fabulous kind of exhausted. My summer thus far has been one surprise after another, one guest after another and one fantastic time after another. The only thing that could make this summer better would be playing naked bongo tag with a smelly Texan.

While I won't bore you with the details of my debauchery (that actually made me laugh), I will share some minor things that crept into the month I've been gone. Hmmm, let us think...

~I discovered that you can really gross someone by announcing that you hate Spotted Dick. Be sure to follow it up with "the last time it was in my mouth it was gooey and rancid". Guaranteed conversation killer.

~I realized that my 7 (soon to be 8) year old will tower over me by this time next year. She grew another 2 inches. I'm either raising Cindy Crawford or fucking Chyna.

~I have total weakness for furry pussy. I just can't help but want to stroke them and plant wet kisses on them. I am completely pussy whipped. The Warden likes pussies too...although he insists that he has it better than I do. After all, he likes to stroke pussies of different species. Hot.

~A friend of ours came out over the summer. We already knew but he apparently hadn't realized that we knew. The following conversation transpired between him and the Warden:

Friend: I'm just going to say this fast. I'm gay.
Warden: You suck dick?
Friend: Um, yes.
Warden: And this changes the way you play soccer how?
Friend: It doesn't.
Warden: Well then, what the fuck are you being all dramatic about?

He said that after a hard time concerning his family, that exchange comforted him more than he could explain. I may have mentioned it once or twice but I married a pretty amazing guy.

~The Warden and I became an Uncle and Aunt. If you could see the amount of eye rolling I am doing you would be awed and wonder how it is I'm not popping a socket. I assure you that this has nothing to do with the adorable little bundle of joy. (Hush Warden. Do NOT put the words unfortunate looking in my comment box.) It has to do with the fact that my sister in law is a lazy twit who only had the child because it was too late for an abortion. Oh yeah, I said it and I ain't taking it back.

~I have now managed to kill 2 computers and a digital camera. I am like the black plague to electronics. This has also contributed to my decline in internet activities. I'll be getting a new computer in a day or two, unless they have sent out a notice to their friends to hide.

Hopefully with the summer nearly over and a spankin' new computer for me, I'll be around these parts more often.

Odds & Ends

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:23:00 +0000

The hairy bear picture in the below post was not appreciated. I swear there are moral net police just waiting to pounce. An hour after I posted I got the first e-mail. So, people are more offended by a hairy ass than me watching a couple screw on the beach. It could have been worse...he could have been showing his wanker instead of his ass.

I posted a naked hairy ass on my blog. Thats pretty much it. If it wasn't liked, I can't help that.

~~~~
Damn, I wish my Aston Martin ran on biofuel made from excess wine.
~~~

The Day I Fell In Love With England
He was the type of guy my friends and I avoided like the plague. A gentlemen many called him. Clean cut and no tattoos. He didn't smoke and he didn't do drugs (to this day it amazes me that a joint has never passed his lips). But he was one of those that had that thing that cannot be described but is apparent in every movement. His presence was commanding, he made women stare and men pay attention. He was beautiful and menacing. He was handsome and kind. He was mysterious and dangerous.

That day when my world changed forever, I was a mess. My naturally curly dark hair had been blood red with a streak of pink back then. But that day it looked it looked like a brillo pad got it's ass kicked. After 9 hours in flight and two ohmygodI'mgoingtodie car rides, I wasn't feeling fresh, I was pissed and had decided that I hated England with a passion.

So when I walked into that dinner, I was prepared to hate on anyone within my vicinity. I was prepared to be every bit of the obnoxious rude American. Until I saw him. Surrounded by women...looking uncomfortable and amused all at once. In one second, one flash of a moment, his oddly flecked yellow/green eyes locked into my brown ones and my world was never the same.

I love you more today than yesterday.
But not as much as tomorrow.

This & That Too

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 02:23:00 +0000

As is evident, I am not a prude. It's not really the best kept secret around here is it? So when the group of us, sitting on a deck at 2am, witnessed a couple start going at it right there on the beach I wasn't really bothered. None of us were and none tried to hide the fact that we were openly watching.

But (and you knew there was one), when the guy pulled his pants completely off, my WTF kicked in. If you're going to go through the trouble of putting on a show couldn't you make sure little man Johnson wasn't covered in thick brush. Or for that matter, your entire body? Sasquatch banging Barbie is not an attractive thing, I don't care what fetish site you've been perusing.

~~~
File this with the too much info department:
Sex when you've been married for a billion years takes far longer and is far better than the start of your marriage. Especially when it's accompanied by cherry lube and body chocolate.
~~~

Oops
I missed my blog anniversary. An ongoing conversation between me and others is that I don't do nearly enough to promote this blog. And my track record on social sites is laughable. I sign up and then promptly lose interest. I'd like to say that this will be the year I finally do something to bring in more readers. But then that would be a lie.

But I cherish the readers I do have! That includes all of you lovelies that have me on your reader! Thank you, thank you very much.

This & That

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 01:26:00 +0000

I was not looking forward to two weeks with the Warden. His vacations in the past have consisted of him annoying me like a 5 year old. So I am amazed to write the words, "it was fabulous". It was filled with surprises, laughter, tears and really hot sex. Once all of those at the same time.

Now, you know how I like a bit of mystery so I'm not saying what it was that spurred our fabulous time. But you're a smart lot and I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Now that the fun is over, I have a long week filled with catching up. I have yet to get to e-mails, so my apologies as it may be a bit longer.
~~~
10 Things I Learned in 2 Weeks

1. I can spend 24 hours a day for 2 weeks with the Warden and not hurt him in any way. Unless you count that bruise on his arm which was not my fault really. He was standing in the way of my fist.

2. Even surrounded by adults in a restaurant, I will act like a six year old and refuse to eat whatever the fuck that raw shit was on my plate. However, when it's replaced with Bok Choy covered in some green concoction (I vote nay on the wasabi explanation), I am able to act like an adult and resist the urge to tell the chef to fuck off.

3. Sitting around a fire with friends while the one that kinda looks like Keanu Reeves sings used to be a lot more entertaining when I was drunk. But watching the Wardens face when he realized KR-Alike was about to launch into Ring Of Fire? Pure entertainment.

4. I can be really nice to people I can't stand for the sake of people I love.

5. I am a friggin' fabulous actress.

6. Overworked adults will sit outside on a deck at 3 in the morning and nearly piss themselves laughing just by shouting out names like:
Harry Zach O'Balls
Keisha Mei Ash
Crystal Chanda Leer
Willie Makeet
Willy B. Hardigan

This would also be around the time I took the wine away from them.

7. I am in danger of losing my cool kid card. While out at a beach restaurant, a group of people on the beach yelled out 4:20, and I actually looked at the Wardens pocket watch.

8.The Warden, the kid, and I were pretty proud that after a week without the comforts of computer, internet and any of our beloved gadgets we were okay. The second week...not so much.

9. I can wear a dress and not complain. I can wear heels higher than should be allowed and not complain. But try and put flowers in my hair and I'll fight you like Tyson.

10. As a child I would lay in bed and wonder if I'd ever be loved. I wish I could tell that little girl that she will definitely be loved. More than she ever thought possible by more people than she could have ever dreamed.

Prime Bud Medicine

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 23:09:00 +0000

I've been doing..uh...stuff and haven't been on my own "turf". Thus my lack of posting. I've received e-mails from a few people and just wanted to say, I'm fine. I know I tend to go missing without explanation but I assure you this isn't one of those times. I'll answer all e-mails and be back soon!

I did have to take a moment out to post this video. For real, Snoop can get away with anything. Next, he'll announce his new Opera CD with Andrea Bocelli called, "Sono un Gangsta".

I know diddly about country music so I couldn't tell you the name of some in the video. I do however know Willie Nelson and I suspect his reasoning for doing this is the primo bud Snoop provided. I'd almost bet this song was coined at a meeting in Amsterdam with Snoop, Willie and their assistant Mary Jane.

Her Greatest Gift

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Sun, 15 Jun 2008 04:06:00 +0000

Today the need to thank the man who is half the reason my daughter is the beautiful child she is, is strong. The man who is kind, funny and smart. The man who gave up everything for love. The man who makes me want to tear my hair out and jump his bones all in the same moment. He is the goofiest bastard I've ever met and he owns the key to the chamber that houses my heart.

My own Father did not love, only hated. Only hurt. I wanted my daughter to have everything I didn't have in a Father. And she does. She has a Dad. A Daddy. A play toy, playground and all around pushover. A giggle buddy, a smile monster, a cartoon watcher. He hugs, he kisses, he loves. He never yells and is usually the instigator in the trouble making. He is everything a Dad should be. Everything. And a million things more.

So to him I say thank you. Sometimes you make my blood boil and sometimes you make me utter words of extreme vulgarity. But when I see you being the Dad, I suddenly forget every reason why I want to strangle you. And it is at those times I know, without a doubt, the greatest gift I ever gave to my daughter was her father.

Happy Father's Day. Especially to you Mr. Wanders, especially to you.

Thank Him? Hell No

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 03:39:00 +0000

And so Father's Day approaches and I feel the same about that as I do about Mother's Day. I won't be thanking an old perv for screwing my teenage Mother. I was urged today to send him something, to which I said fuck off. However I would send one if I could find Hallmark cards that say:

~Happy Father's Day! Why aren't you rotting in hell?
~On this day I want to say thank you for showing me the true definition of asshole. Have a good one!
~Happy Father's Day! Have a fabulous fucking time alone, you prick.

I am so made for a career in the greeting card industry. And no, I'm not angry. I'm just filled with hate. So no, no lovely sentiments from me for the guy who left his sperm where it didn't belong. I will however be giving mad love and writing a post to the Warden on Sunday. Not just because he is an amazing Father to our kid but because the only complaint she'll have is that he's a goofy bastard.

That Thing Vagina

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 03:13:00 +0000

I have been subjected to Monty Pythons "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" all night long. It's not because The Warden loves it so much he has to have it on endless repeat. He does it simply to piss me off. I'm about to climb on top of a Brit and start bangin' away. And not in a "damn that's hot" kind of way.

You'd think that after 3,000 years of marriage I would learn to not tell him to "put your fucking headphones on before I squeeze your balls so hard you sound like Beckham". It only fuels his glee and kicks his need to aggravate me up a notch.

So when he blew me a kiss and turned off the song, I knew it was going to be replaced with some shit that was going to make me groan and reach for the Motrin. And the bastard hid my headphones. The name of the song? The Vagina.

*As usual, video/song is not safe for work, uptight spouses or little ears.*

Girl, Please

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:03:00 +0000

I don't talk about anything involving politics here because this isn't that kind of place. However this is just ridiculous. Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers, two of Bill Clinton's alleged booty buddies have teamed up on a website. For $1.99 they'll tell you how gray Clinton's pubes are and if they got off. What the fuck and who cares?

I can't even begin to tell you how much it irks me that people are paraded around just because they screwed someone in the public eye. You know, I could film myself using a dildo on a famous celeb while feeding him crack and calling him a dirty boy and I still wouldn't sell that shit to the press.

Used to be little girls and boys aspired to do something with their lives. Now it seems they just want to do someone for their 15 minutes. At 34, I come from a world where you kept your business to yourself. I had a friend who slept with a semi famous sitcom star back in the early 90's. No one knew. She never told, I never told, he never told. It's not that hard to just shut the fuck up.

As for Jones and Flowers, I hope the website flops and they go back to doing whatever it is they've been doing. It would also be nice if they took all the other 15 minute fame whores with them.

Back It Up

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 01:26:00 +0000

When everything piles up in life, I just take a deep breath, utter a few fuck me's and do what's got to be done. There are those rare instances however when I procrastinate. Procrastination is a horrible shit and I try to avoid him at all costs. But sometimes he slips through, grabs a hold of me and makes me want to lay my head on his chest forever.

Because I allowed myself to be seduced by procrastination, I never got around to picking up those back up disks I needed. Tomorrow, I'd say, because procrastination felt so good. Then tomorrow came and my computer decided to get a little kinky and blow the motherboard. And procrastination laughed in my face and strolled out the door.

There are 5 more computers in the house, so my issue isn't not having one. My issue is in the fact that I lost everything of red level importance. Half of a 500 page report I've been working on for weeks. A 200 page portfolio due Thursday. Documents with a Friday deadline. Codes to three templates (my apologies). Pre-written posts. Gone. Gone. Gone.

For the last two days I have been busting my ass trying to redo all of the "I am so fucked" things that need to be done. My head hurts, my back aches, my eyes are red. My fingers have cramped up 6 times in the last 48 hours. But you know what the worst part of it all is? That I have no one to rage to because I'm the genius that fucked my own shit up. Fanfriggintastic.

The point of this post is actually to just deliver a message to those that are thinking of giving in to procrastination. Don't do it man. Trust me on this. Leave that trick alone! And please, please always remember.....back your shit up.

~And yes I do realize I am procrastinating by writing this post. What can I say, procrastination has a nice ass.~

Weekend Chuckle

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Sat, 07 Jun 2008 03:53:00 +0000

I usually try to refrain from cutesy stuff around here because people might actually get the impression that I'm *gasp* nice. However, I couldn't pass this one up because it is simply adorable. Maybe it's just me that finds it adorable considering I ~~am slave to~~ live with four felines. My furry masters trained me well to find all things cat, cute. Except for Icanhascheezburger. We draw the line at that. Because frankly, I can't take one more "Iz in your fridge stealinz your Bud."

Have a great weekend! I hope you enjoy the leisure time & sleep like drunken kitties.

Accidental Sex

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Fri, 06 Jun 2008 03:36:00 +0000

I never use Google chat. The first time a message appeared, I didn't know what the hell it was. Since then, I've been messaged quite a few times while reading e-mail. Earlier, I noticed the icon and clicked it to find that Google automatically saves your IM's in gtalk. Who knew! One of the messages saved was the following with a friend. She has a habit of accidental sex. And losing her panties.

CC: we accidentally had sex!God I'm such a slut
Me: Accidentally? What did you do? Trip and fall mouth first onto his penis? Did he flip you around and accidentally mount you?
CC: stop being funny this is serious. and i think I left my panties at his place
Me: You think you left them? What the fuck C? Where else would they be...downtown? Movie theater? Restaurant? Fuck me. Wait...were you even wearing panties?
CC: i was when i left my apartment.Taj! call him please ask if my panties are there
Me: Oh hell no. Handle your own business woman.
CC: Please i dont want to talk to him.He might want to do it again and he didnt do it right the first time
Me: If I call...I'm selling a peep at your panties for a dollar.
CC: not funny
Me: Oh shit...he just called...he's outside your apartment. With your panties.
CC: NO!!!oh god what if we accidentally have sex again?
Me: You have issues.
CC: he's not out there
Me: I know...I lied. But you totally wanted him to be.

Office Rage

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 23:06:00 +0000

When I first saw this clip below, the movie Network immediately came to mind. This guy could have just opened a window and yelled, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!", and saved himself jail time and a shitload of grief.

I've worked in an office environment such as this before. And there were times when I could have seriously gone postal on half a dozen people. But most of us have that sane inner voice that tells us our psychotic breakdowns aren't for public consumption. I suspect a serious mental evaluation is in this guys future.

I am curious as to what exactly set him off? It seems as though the guy in the white shirt knocked some papers off his desk and words were exchanged. However, to flip out like that, his anger must have been building for quite some time. I love how everyone just stands around while he trashes the office for 3 minutes before someone decides to take him down. If I was the woman who got slammed with the monitor I would have had his ass on the ground in a minute flat.

Me Tie Tie

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 03:46:00 +0000

For the last three days, I've been wandering around muttering, "Me tie tie" and sighing repeatedly. The Warden says I remind him of a crackhead he saw in London once only she was 50 and was willing to "suck it for a couple a quid".

For those without children "me tie tie" translates into, "I am so friggin tired I think my head is going to explode." I'm not talking general fatigue. My insomnia affords me an odd immunity to that. I'm talking more along the lines of if one more thing gets thrown on my plate someone is going to get it right upside the head.

It seemed I was no longer functioning on any type of coherent level. I grunted, I muttered, I cursed. I walked, ran and shuffled. So I quit. I upped and resigned the position of Taj in IRL. Because quite frankly, that chick is absolutely no fun.

So here I sit, blissfully doing nothing but what I enjoy. Looking for some laughs, enjoying a good read, smiling at the written words of others. It's fabulous I tell you, fabulous.

~I've neglected my Wander Of The Week for quite some time now. But if I were to do them again, Kristabella would totally get one for her cabby crash post. Not funny that she hurt her head but funny because that's just what Kristabella is.~

Miss Humpsapole

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Fri, 30 May 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Because of an illness in the family, I am forced to see people I really can't stand. One of those would be a relative whose biggest ambition in life is to amass large quantities of lucite heels. Now, I have nothing against strippers...do what you gotta do. However, if you're a stupid stripper wearing your stripper clothes at 9am to a hospital, stay the hell away from me.

And don't bring your douchebag boyfriend who thinks he's 50 Cent. Even if Fiddy was white and weighed the size of a fucking island, he still wouldn't roll with your skank ass. While your at it, keep LaDouche away from me when he tries to engage me in conversation when neither of you know that British people speak fucking English.

I'm a fairly nice person who can at times get pissy. Pissy however got out of the way today because I pole vaulted straight into outright pissed. She apparently didn't pick up on that because she proceeded to ask why I didn't look upset and concluded that I must be an evil bitch. Oh, hell no!

In my head I was going to deliver the greatest beat down known to man. I was going to beat that hussy like she stole something. Unfortunately, once I stood up, I remembered that I was in hospital. Although perfect for quick repair of all the bones I wanted to crush, it was inappropriate not only for the setting but for the fact that I am 34 year old woman with a kid. So I calmly, and as nicely as I could, told her that if she didn't shut the fuck up, I was going to stick one of her lucite heels up her ass.

I then walked out of the waiting room and made my way outside. I needed to calm down, I needed a smoke (shhh, I know...I'll quit again soon) and I needed to think of a quiet way to get rid of LaDouche and Miss Humpsapole. I paced the parking lot trying to think of the one thing that would scare the shit out of a gutter rat and her 300 pound pussy of a man when a light bulb flicked on.

I flipped open my cell and called her Mother. Seriously, don't fuck with someone who has your mama on speed dial.

Rough Day

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Thu, 29 May 2008 03:53:00 +0000

Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Just always remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch slap that motherfucker upside the head.

The Paper Thief

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Wed, 28 May 2008 03:43:00 +0000

I let my neighbor steal my morning paper. I see her from my office, every morning walking her ugly pug. She shuffles passed my driveway twice before she bends and scoops up the daily news. Sometimes I swear she looks straight at me and smiles. But I'm never sure and I always chalk it up to imagination or lack of sleep.

Maybe I do it because of the image emblazoned in my head of a teachers aide I had in elementary school. A boy in class called her an old useless hag and the look on her face just about killed my not yet tainted heart. Maybe I do it to prove to myself that I am not completely heartless, that my tendency to be an ass is all an act. For whatever reason, I keep paying the bill and never say a word.

So when the day began and she had not yet passed, I worried. By nine I could take no more and walked next door. She answered the door, still in her nightgown, holding a newspaper. Shocked by the site of the newspaper (but happy she was okay) I quickly asked if she needed anything while I was out. She smiled and said "no. but thank you...for everything".

Picking up the newspaper in my driveway, the first time I'd done so in a year, I wondered why she had decided to get her own now. Later, as I was telling the Warden, a smile came to his face. "She got it then, good". It turns out he had ordered the newspaper for her. He said it seemed like she and the dog had been slowing down lately and he thought it would be easier to have one delivered directly to her.

I looked at him, so oblivious to the wonderful thing he did, so unaware of how his small act made a stranger happy. And in that moment I felt nothing but enormous love. As I wrapped my arms around him, he bent down and whispered in my ear, "Do I get some extra ass shakin' for this"?

Warden: Fabulous husband, amazing father, wonderful man. Forever horny.

Foul Mouthed Babes

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Sat, 24 May 2008 05:03:00 +0000

Having some friends over for an unplanned get together, I was reminded how sometimes the simplest moments in life can be wonderful. The adults were happy, the few kids there were happy. All was good. Then our friend J's daughter began shouting, "Fuck, fuck, me want fuck! Daddy, Jimma no give me fuck!"

I don't think I've ever enjoyed the sight of a grown man turning three shades of red and breaking into a sweat as fast as he did. (Well, there was that one time in a gay bar. But to be fair we forgot to mention it was gay bar.) But you know what was even better than that? Hearing her twin brother say "Okay Sissy, you be a fucker too".

While J sat still looking completely horrified, his wife was in the corner nearly pissing her pants. She managed to gasp out, "Truck, she wants to play with his toy truck" before falling into another fit of laughter. J, looking very relieved, got down on the floor and pleadingly tried to coax the correct pronunciation out of his 2 year olds.

After all was said and done, it was a wonderful evening enjoyed by all. Even sweet little Sissy who, while holding onto her brothers truck, shouted with glee "Yay, I'm a good fucker!" as they headed out the door.

Holy Cow!

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Fri, 23 May 2008 04:26:00 +0000

Sometimes I see something and then put it aside thinking, yeah got to post about that. Then I forget about it and am pleasantly surprised when I come across it again. In this case, surprise went out the window and my initial "Oh hell no" resurfaced. I can't even count the levels of wrong with a cow this size. (Click on photo to enlarge.)

I'm sure Chili (anyone else find it amusing that they named him that?) is a lovely cow but I wouldn't want to be anywhere near him when he gets pissed (totally resisting a mad cow joke here). He's 6' 6" tall, 6' 7" long and weighs over a ton. Believe it or not, he isn't the tallest cow on record, that title belongs to an Italian bovine named Fiorino.

Chili, who lives at Ferne Animal Sanctuary in Chard, Somerset, is currently being assessed by Guinness Book of Records. Which would put to rest any photoshop theories. He resides there with his normal sized twin sister, who I'm sure is delighted to be considered the slim one.

Uncool Be Thy Name

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Thu, 22 May 2008 04:03:00 +0000

I really need to sit down and have a long talk with myself because I actually watched the entire American Idol finale. I didn't do it to see if rock guy beat Phil Of The Future (which is who my kid is convinced David Archuleta is). I didn't do it to see one of those smashing group numbers that inevitably makes one contestant look mortified to be there (Amanda). I watched it to see Natty Dreadlocks and George Michael shake his old pervy ass.

Dreadboy didn't disappoint because he still looks like he gives a shit less and is just counting down to his next hit. Castro, by the way, says he has never smoked a joint in his life. Note he never said anything about tokin' a bong.

As for George, I watched with one hand over my eyes whilst peeking through fingers. (An act that disturbs me on many levels.) To be fair, it seemed as though he was having sound issues and I think he mumbled something about a cold. It was more his appearance that made peek like a dork. It wasn't that he aged, it was just the glasses, the hand movements, the mumbling. It hurt my little girl crush a bit.

Though I didn't tune in to see who won, I actually stood up and whooped (my god, I whooped!) when it was David Cook. Then I felt a lump form when he started to cry. By the time they shot to his brother, crying and proudly mouthing "That's my brother", I was reaching for a tissue. (What the hell has happened to me?) Cooks older brother is dying of brain cancer thus, I believe, him crying. I have to say, The Cook family seems to be an incredible unit of love.

The other thing that I loved (aside from Robert Downey Jr. as a Pip)? The guitar hero commercial. Cook's imitation of Tom Cruise in Risky Business made me smile.

David Cook's Guitar Hero Commercial

They showed Archie's version as well. Watching him in boxers dance around a living room is not cute and feels kind of wrong. Couldn't they have just let him wear jeans and jam to The Wheels On The Bus Go Round & Round?

This is the first year I actually watched American Idol and I'll put money on the fact that I won't ever watch again. Unless next year they have a really hot Englishman with green eyes and and a great ass. Cause you know as much as I love dreadlocked stoners, I love sexy Brits with green eyes even more.

Not My Kind Of Sucker

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Wed, 21 May 2008 04:16:00 +0000

Last night after a 3 am discussion about organic Maple Syrup, I decided to search for recipes. I should input here that I have no clue why we spent nearly 45 minutes talking about syrup nor do I know why I searched for recipes I'll never use.

I did however find a site that makes Maple Bacon lollipops. Really, Maple Bacon? According to the site, there are actual chunks of salty organic bacon inside the Vermont Maple syrup. Nothing like a side of heart attack to go with your plate of diabetes.

It's possible that I find this a bit off because I don't like bacon at all. I don't want to eat it, look at it or smell it. So why would I want to suck it? I can think of a few other things far more inviting to suck on than these lollipops.

The site also sells absinthe lollipops which I find far more intriguing and would definitely be willing to taste. How could absinthe, perfectly legal mind you, hardened and slapped on a stick be bad? (Not that I'm saying I've ever had absinthe just that I'd be willing to try an absinthe lolly. For research purposes ya know.)

Life In Plastic

noreply@blogger.com (Taj) — Tue, 20 May 2008 04:06:00 +0000

I've seen Kermit tag Miss Piggy and Bert play with Ernies duckie but I never thought I'd ever see Barbies screwin'. And love it.

The duo, Little Jackie, have a song called Black Barbie and a fan (I assume) made a video that has to be seen. I tried to find the lyrics with no luck but I urge you to listen as best you can. The song is a jab at certain female celebrities and the video employs the tactics of one easily identifiable celebrity blogger.

One half of Little Jackie (who's song "The World Revolves Around Me", is the theme song for the new season of I Love New York. Yep, she's back.) is Imani Coppola, who's song "Legend of a Cowgirl" was played heavily back in '97. Now 30 years old, I have to say she is on point about todays celebs with lyrics like this:"I'm a reformed slut, I'm a much better woman. Did a 12-step program, and now I can drink again.

Some of you may not get why I love this video so much but I know at least one or two will find the greatness in it! (The song also made Barbie Girl by Aqua get stuck in my head. Brings a whole new meaning to "Hi Ken, do you wanna go for a ride?) Those that don't see the greatness...watch it even if just to forward to 1:40 to see some pretty hot doll sex.

*As usual, video is not safe for work, uptight spouses or little ears.*