I’m often confused, and sad, and overwhelmingly grateful for what God’s done and taught us and brought us through. I am often joyful and content. I don’t know what will happen, and I find myself struggling to learn to live fully in the now, without drifting into what might be, or numbing my heart to the desire, hope, and loss I feel.

I’ve had a lot of conversations lately about the value of pain, loss, and sadness. I don’t think God wants hurt and heartbreak for us; I do think he is gracious to us and redeems those things. So I find myself trying to explain why it is better to hurt than to feel nothing, to risk vulnerability than to protect yourself with loneliness, to love and lose than never love at all.

For myself, I would rather miss my children, than have none. I would rather be hurt by those I love, than protect myself in a shell of isolation. I think I would rather love others and risk hurting them, than protect both of us from the shame, and pain, and brokenness of sin. That seems to be the current fear I’m battling, screwing up in loving others; we so profoundly affect one another.

I find myself thinking about poetry. I find myself writing a lot of poetry, and wondering whether I should share it. I’ve been taking a ceramics class this year, and it’s been such a good outlet for me, a way to process and express life, and God, and growth. I’m thankful for music, and books, and quiet moments. I’m thankful for beauty.

I’m thankful for brokenness, because it is there that we find the wholeness of Christ. I’m thankful for spiritual family, for mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, who take up residence in our hearts. I’m thankful for biological/adopted/married family, who are always present, no matter what, and for the great opportunity they bring for hurt, healing, beauty, and love.

I’m thankful for courageous students who brave the unknown waters of confession, openness, heartache, hope, and healing. They inspire me and make me so inexpressibly thankful to serve a God who sees fits to let me know and love them.

I’m thankful for a husband who stands beside me, lifts me up, writes me notes, kisses me in public, and always smells yummy. I’m thankful that I’m already dreading graduation, when I will say goodbye to the many seniors who have become dear to me. I’m thankful to live in a place and do a job that lets me deeply love people, even though I know I will have to let them go in a few short months or years.

In short, I’m a great big bundle of hope and grief, joy and sadness, rejoicing and longing, connection and hesitation.

I’d never heard this song until a few weeks ago. It’s been running through my head a lot lately. Give Me Jesus, by All Sons & Daughters

You can listen below

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  On my mind:

  All Sons & Daughters - “Give Me Jesus”

  
  

Hello Friends, Family, People Who Stumbled onto Our Blog while Google Searching,

Today is Sunday, the third day of our Christmas Break. I’m already wondering what to do with my time. I’ve grown unaccustomed to having free time. We’ve had one, maybe two, free weekends this semester. I’ve come home exhausted and emotionally spent nearly every day. We’ve coached volleyball (not me—ha!), subbed at dorms, attended school trips, had meetings, filmed stuff, had many a conversation, spoken in dorms, spoken in chapel, taught sex ed, made meals, served cider, and much, much more. We’re very tired, and very in need of this break.

Yet despite our exhaustion, I can only think of how very blessed I am. I am so very blessed.

God was gracious to us this semester—it was normal! There were no major life crises! We’ve been able to focus on our jobs without being weighed down with fresh grief, though there has been some less-than-fresh grief thrown in there.

My semester has been filled with God. God in me, God through me, God in other people. I’ve been daily amazed that I get to do what I do. I get to talk to girls all day—about boys, about home, about family, about heartache, about what it means to follow Jesus, about truth. This semester, I’ve been continually overwhelmed by the students I get to know and the conversations I get to have with them.

These students are amazing. They live all over the world. They speak multiple languages. They live between cultures. Their experiences have made them unique. They view the world through wide, open eyes. I love their uniqueness. I love their hearts more.

This has been a semester filled with serious issues. You name it, I’ve probably had a conversation about it—death, addiction, abuse, fear, loneliness, self-hatred. I’ve been privileged to be part of conversations about sin and suffering, brokenness and redemption, grief and healing. I’m honestly amazed that these girls talk to me (me!), that I get to speak into their lives, that they trust me. I’ve asked myself many times, why me? Why are you using me, God? Why are you blessing me with all of this goodness? Whatever the answers are to those questions, I’m grateful.

Two years ago, in this post, I said that I wanted to learn to love people better. In the past two years, God has taught me to love people better. Much of my learning has come through my own heartbreak, grief, brokenness and despair. Many of those lessons have also come through realizing what false love tends to look like in my life—a perverse desire to play Jesus to people, to save them myself rather than wanting him to do it. But I’ve also seen truer reflections of my Father’s love in my heart. I see greater hope and faith on other people’s behalf. I see greater patience. I see greater compassion. I see a greater willingness to put myself out there at the risk of being rejected or hurt. Praise God for his continued redemption!

I want to tell you all about these girls, who I love so very much. I want to tell you their stories and what God’s doing in their lives, but they’re not my stories to tell. I can’t tell you their stories without doing some serious permission-asking beforehand. Just know, dear friends, that these girls are precious. I get to weep and rejoice with them. I get to be frustrated when it seems like I’m pounding my head on a brick wall, and stand amazed when a kernel of truth takes root in their hearts. I get to share in their precious heartaches and stand witness to the slow, but steady, healing work of Jesus in those heartaches. I get to give coffee, and hugs, and makeovers, and conversation, and truth, and tears, and love. I get to know more about my Father’s love for me as I grow in love for these girls.

Jesus has been kind to me. I am utterly amazed. I wish I could sit down with you, a stack of photos, and a cup of coffee and tell you all about the girls I get to know and love. I wish you could meet them and share in the knowledge of their utter awesomeness, but until we’re on the other side of eternity, that probably won’t happen. So take my meager thanks instead.

Thank you, dear friends. Thank you for allowing us to be here. This has been the hardest, bestest place for us. This has been one of the most worthwhile things we’ve ever done. These kids are worth it. Jesus is at work here, in us, in these students, in the world. It feels inadequate every time I say this, but you really do allow us to be here. Your prayers, your giving, and your support are what keep us here. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

I really don’t care about Christmas gifts this year, and I think it’s because my heart is so full of precious gifts already. What more could I want?

Well folks, it’s been a looong time since our last update. I’ll skip the list of reasons for our silence, and jump straight to the good stuff.

Summer Happened

This summer was full. We did some manual labor, had family visit, and moved twice. July was filled with an intensive German course, which gave us a little more language confidence. Wir sprechen Deutsch ein bisschen besser. (If you speak German, you may be able to tell just how little better by that sentence.)

School’s back in session!

In late August, BFA started up again. We’re so glad not to be new this year! It’s wonderful to know how BFA operates, know what all those crazy acronyms mean, and best of all, to know students! God has already blessed us with some amazing, truth-filled, life-changing conversations with students.

Israel and the Screaming Girls

Israel is coaching JV Girl’s Volleyball this year. Last year he helped out, but now he’s an official coach. This means daily practices and traveling to games every weekend. Israel seems to be uniquely equipped, by his five sisters, to deal with all the screaming involved in a six hour bus ride with 20 teenage girls. He’s very much enjoying coaching, but it makes for a very tiring schedule.

Dani Goes to School

I am in my last few weeks of a Biblical Counseling class through the Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation. The class is called Foundations of Biblical Change and has been incredibly applicable, both to my own life and to my conversations with girls. Already this year, several girls have come to me with some pretty serious things, so the training I’m receiving through this class has been incredibly helpful. I hope to continue with more classes next semester.

Hello Long-Term Commitment?

Our initial commitment to BFA was for two years; this is our second year. Because it takes several months for BFA to fill empty positions, the school asks us to make next year’s commitment in October. A few weeks ago, we turned in a sheet of paper indicating that we would be at BFA next school year. We feel that we need to stay here until God tells us to go somewhere else. We’re excited about this decision and about being able to invest here longer term. This will mean more support raising this summer and, hopefully, more language learning, but we’re excited about the ways God will provide through these opportunities.

Pray for Us. Pretty Please!

• Busy, Busy, Busy — As our lack of updates indicate, we’re crazy busy! We’ve had very little free time since school started. We hope things will slow down a bit in mid-November, once volleyball and my class are over, but we’re already looking forward to Christmas Break.
• Chapel Talk — I, Dani, am speaking in High School Chapel on November 11th. I think I’ll be speaking about the miscarriages and what God’s been teaching me through them, but I don’t really know what “the point” of my talk is yet, partially because I’m still in the middle of this journey. I’m also sharing my story of dealing with sexual addiction in a dorm on Sunday. Prayer is much appreciated!
• Student Issues — God’s allowed us to join girls in pretty serious issues this year. We feel privileged to get to walk with them toward Jesus, but we can also feel rather helpless! We know, though, that Jesus is the only one who saves and changes. Pray for wisdom for us, and for redemption and salvation for the students!
• Summer and Future Plans – We’re still many months away, but summer will be upon us sooner than we think. This will mean travel, finding temporary housing and a car, and raising more support. We’re also in the process of deciding what direction to take for our family, whether fertility, adoption or something else.

We love you all! We’ll try to get another update out before Christmas!

2011 Grad Walk Out Tradition from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.

BFA has a tradition at Grad every year—each pair gets to personalize their walk out. Here’s what happened yesterday. I moved around a couple times, so forgive the shakiness.

In two days, 60-something seniors will graduate from Black Forest Academy. This is a big deal. It’s a big deal because it’s a milestone they’ve been working towards for 12-plus years, but it’s also a big deal because graduation will usher in what will probably be the biggest change of their lives.

Senior Transition Day

In April, I had the privilege of participating in Senior Transition Day. It was a day meant to help prepare them for transitioning to their passport countries. The day covered topics like building community, what it’s like to go to college as a Third Culture Kid, how to say goodbye to BFA, and how to say hello to America. The Seniors even received practical information about opening a bank account, what documents they need to take, and what to consider when getting a phone plan. I spoke on a panel just for the girls. We talked about managing your time and money, The Freshman 15, drinking, dating, boundaries, sex, extracurriculars and more. I was very excited to participate and greatly enjoyed my time with the girls. I hope the Seniors learned from this day; I certainly did. I walked away from Senior Transition Day with a greater appreciation for the immensity of the change these kids are about to encounter.

College is a big transition for everyone. For most people it means moving away from home, being on your own for the first time, learning to manage your money, your time, your weight, and a whole slew of other things. But BFA kids aren’t your average American teens. These are kids who’ve spent more of their time speaking French than English, who grew up using the British Pound instead of the America Dollar, who know their shoe size as 41 rather than 9. The majority of the BFA Seniors have no bank account, no driver’s license and no idea how to pay their bills. For most Third Culture Kids, college is a HUGE transition.

Simple Question, Difficult Answer

For example, one of the questions I got asked most often during my first few weeks of college was, “Where are you from?” With BFA kids, I make a point not to ask this question. When I do, I get blank stares and then a slew of questions. “Do you mean in America? Where I’ve lived the longest? Where I live now? Where my parents are from?” Instead, I ask, “Where is your family now?” Can you imagine how challenging this seemingly simple question will be when they encounter it 500 times during their first week of college? Should they even try to explain?

Some TCKs have spent no more than a few months at a time in their passport country. They may speak the language, be an American (or Canadian, or Korean, or Australian) citizen, and look the part, but inside, they don’t feel American. They feel Turkish, or Italian, or probably a combination of all three. Finding out who you are is a difficult task for anyone, but for TCKs, there are whole other arenas of identity to figure out.

These students have rich, diverse, and distinctive histories, backgrounds and experiences. These aren’t your average American kids (I recently heard one student list off the seven languages that he speaks), they’re going to face more challenges than the average college freshman. But underneath all of the challenges are the same basic questions: Who am I? Where do I fit? What is my purpose?

Pray for Seniors

Could you pray for these seniors as they embark on the journey of adulthood?

Pray for courage. Pray for grace. Pray for patience.

Pray that they will be willing to ask for help, would be gracious with their fellow countrymen who might not understand, and would run to Jesus in their distress. Pray that they would know the nearness of God in the midst of what might seem like a vast loneliness. Pray that they would learn that He is their identity; He is their home.

Some prep photos for the last small group of the year. We are going to try white asparagus; It’s called Spargel in German!

Here’s a little video from one of the last times the small group of girls is meeting this semester. They went to the monument on the hill above Kandern. The other leader, Sue, is leaving after this semester. So she read a letter to the girls she had written them. It was a really good evening of being together and enjoying the outside.

Dani’s Small Group from Israel Jernigan on Vimeo.

We went to our first Staff Appreciation Evening for BFA. It was a great evening without students and appreciating staff who are leaving. Lots of tears were shared by those who are not able to be here next school year. The evening was full of joy and great friendship.

Finish Strong

The semester is almost completed. Please pray for everyone at the school. That they will all finish strong, and complete all the projects and work required of them. Also pray for Dani and I as we have actually been substituting for a few classes, and hope that we are doing a good job.

The entire BFA community is pretty excited about this, let me tell you. Not only are all the students heading home to see their families (Family!) and to return to the place they love, but 88 students and leaders are going on Mission Trips. We have five trips heading to Africa, Eastern Europe and East Asia. There was a trip going to the Middle East but it was canceled due to unrest there. These students and leaders will be doing construction, evangelizing, working with orphans, teaching and more.

I’m not looking forward to Spring Break because we’re going on a mission trip (we decided not to lead one this year), or visiting Italy or any other such thing. I’m looking forward to Spring Break because it’s a break—a wonderful, glorious, two week long break. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve been looking forward to this break so very much (as if you couldn’t tell). People keep asking us where we’re going over break, and I say “nowhere” with a big, toothy smile.

Rest = Goodness

I realized recently that with the pregnancies, miscarriages and resulting emotional roller coaster, I still don’t feel settled here. It seems that every few weeks some major event rocks my little world so much that I don’t have the time, energy, or normalcy to get used to life in Germany and at BFA. For example, going to the grocery store still frequently stresses me out, my house is rarely clean, and I still get overwhelmed by every new thing. I know many of the other first-year staff members are experiencing the same things, but I feel a little behind the adjustment curve.

We have yet to have a rest in Germany. We had Christmas Break, but with family visiting and then going to Turkey, it wasn’t restful in the way we needed it to be.

I firmly believe that people need breaks, even missionaries. BFA life is crazy. There is always something to do: a soccer game, a play, a small group, a student, a project…. It’s wonderful, but it’s also exhausting. We could literally fill up all of our time. Yes, our time would be full of worthwhile things, but we’d be too busy to be effective at any of them.

I’m looking forward to this break because I need to enjoy being here. I need some time to stop merely making it through the day, and to actually look forward to things again. The past few weeks, when girls come in to see me, I often have trouble having a conversation or staying focused. Sometimes I’m just so tired! I know this is all some combination of cultural adjustment and grief, but it’s frustrating and it makes me feel so ineffective.

My hope is that, when we return from break, I’ll be more present. I want to be able to soak up the last few weeks of school with these students. There are Seniors graduating who I’ll sorely miss. My small group girls will be leaving for the summer. The end of the year is quickly approaching and I want to value what’s left of it.

Pray

If you would be so kind, could you pray for a few things over the next few days?

Pray for:

• Safe travel for students, staff and mission trips. Many people are traveling even as I post this.
• For God to work through the mission trips, both in the teams and in the communities where they are serving
• For rest and rejuvenation, both for ourselves and for the rest of the BFA community
• Israel happened to roll his ankle quite badly yesterday morning. Please pray that his ankle heals quickly so he’s not confined to the house the whole break.

Since we’re pretty free over break, we’ll have lots of time to SKYPE! Let us know if you’d like to schedule a Skype date sometime before Easter. We’re skyping with our community group in Arkansas on Tuesday. So excited!

So this last Sunday we had two students come and cook a meal for us. There is a class that the students can take called Independent Living. One of the aspects that the class provides is the opportunity for students (usually a girl and a guy) to go and cook a meal for staff. It’s a great way for the students to learn how to cook and for staff to interact with students in ways that they might normally not.

We did this last semester, and it was a great opportunity for us to eat good food and learn about the students’ lives outside of BFA, so we signed up again this semester. A Senior boy and Junior girl sent us a list of ingredients and the menu, and we went shopping the day before, since stores are closed on Sunday.

What Did They Cook?

Our students cooked us Pasta Amatriciana, garlic bread, roasted veggies (Dani ate those) and Tiramisu. The food was really tasty, and it was fun to interact with the students while they prepared it in our kitchen. They came prepared to cook and even brought their own music, ipod + speakers. We provided all the cooking materials, but they had to do all the cooking with no help from us. They did a fantastic job, and we even had enough for leftovers. Yum.

Photos