Tales from the leasing world..

It must be nice to get flowers you don't want..

2014-03-27T10:42:00.002-04:00

Coming from an asthma kid that is allergic to almost every flower, grass, weed, dust, and animal on earth I happen to like roses. "Paint the roses red" But feel sad when I receive them because I know they will die. Seems like such a waste to cut them out, and give them to someone. Anyhoo on to my story.

One of my tenants walks into my office. All of my tenants have character names so let's call her Teddy. A little background here. Normally when she stops by it's a disaster story of something that happened to her that has nothing to do with her apartment.

There was the time she was sent home from work because she wasn't wearing a bra (gasp the outrage) she cried for about 10 minutes in my office because it wasn't fair! "They said it was casual Friday!".

Or the time a secret admirer was leaving teddy Bears in front of her door for weeks, and she hates stuffed animals. (Yes I know something is wrong with her)

Or the time her, and her friend tried to evade police while drinking. They scaled a fence which caused her to (naturally) fall and break her arm then go to jail.

I could go on, and on with her stories.. Maybe I will give her a chapter in my book all to herself?

Ok now to the good part! she walked into my office and gave me these wicked pretty flowers!

She said her boyfriend gave them to her but they are going out of town, on some exotic vacation (of course) wanted someone to enjoy them, and thought of me.

Really? That's actually nice. (popping a Claritin now)

Magic Mike is that you?

2012-10-12T16:42:00.000-04:00

You may be asking yourself is this going to be one of those blogs where the story actually relates to the title?

Two guys walk into my office to see a two bedroom apartment, and all is totally normal at this point.

We walk into the apartment, and they quickly start arguing over who would have the master bedroom. Then one of them has a brilliant idea...

“Bro let's arm wrestle for it” this is when it gets weird. Before I can blink one of them takes his shirt off, and they both begin arm wrestling on the kitchen breakfast bar. I stand there in shock, as the one without his shirt on is defeated (wimp)

I think he realizes that was not normal, and looks at me, and says...

“Oh it’s cool I take my shirt off all the time for work, I’m an entertainer”

My literal response: “Umm ok but you're not at work, and you're not going to make any money here so you may want to put your shirt back on”

He laughs pretty hard, and asks for an application...

(Insert my Sandra is “not impressed” look)

I’m no fool that wasn’t a show for who get’s the bigger bedroom. I’m sure something is messed up... credit etc...

Mashable.com (Photo)

Jason is that you??

2012-07-13T16:21:00.004-04:00

I will say that I think the opposite about Friday 13^th that most people do. I don't believe in bad luck , It has always been a lucky day for me! That being said I had an “interesting” encounter with a potential renter today.

As we are walking to the unit he is literally doing the “chu chu chu ha ha ha” out loud in almost a sigh sound.. from the movie “Jason” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQzdTYKTWRo at first I thought maybe I was just hearing things until he did it again.. ..

It get’s better, as we enter the unit no lie his phone goes off, he swears it’s his girlfriend... the ringtone is the “Michael Myers” song from the movie “Halloween” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gMLPnk9-6MM

I literally bust out laughing because it’s all so ridiculous.. but he just stared back, and apparently didn’t see the humor. I totally see that he planned on being creepy, and probably tried to scare me but it didn't work out well for him, as I'm not so easily scared.

In the end he wanted something with a waterfront view, and I could not meet his needs..too bad.

Image: San Diego.com

Things that you make you go hmmm..

2012-07-10T16:40:00.000-04:00

After some suggestions I decided to do something different & update my blog with "the funny" a little quicker! These are some of the things I have heard within the week.. yes I do realize it’s Tuesday. Some are funny, and some will melt your brain if you try to re-read them.

“I’m 70% sure there is a dead body floating in the pond”

My thoughts: Really how did you get 70%?!

“God bless America’s somebody said he bring money to the United States”

My thoughts: This was the response I received after I asked her to clean her patio area..

Potential Resident : “Do you have any elevators?”

My response: “ Um, besides the one we are entering now?"

Potential Resident : "No, I mean do you have any elevators instead of just stairs?"

My thoughts: This melted my brain, there was no language barrier she was just dumb.

Final Thoughts: According to my boss "Girl this will one day be your child" sad part is that I'm sure he's right...

#funnyordie

The Mad Hatters!

2012-06-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

This is some of the ridiculousness I encounter on a daily basis... I know I'm a little behind on updated my blog as some of you have reminded me (you know who you are) so I will do better to get you up to speed!

Today’s blog is about tenants that I have named “The Mad Hatters”. Let me just give you some background info. Their unit is a disaster! By this let me help you visualize. It looks like a paper factory had an explosion with papers everywhere, random boxes, and best of all a pathway throughout the entire apartment of towels (I’m assuming to protect the carpet of course) every room looks like utter madness, hence the title... (And the fact that I think they are insane)

The pictures below don't do them justice.

I received the following voice mail message... The best part is that I have not edited this whatsoever; I literally typed this out word for word.

“Hi we were gone most of the day today, and we just noticed that the drawer handle screw knob or whatever it’s called on our bathroom cabinet is missing?! (Woman yells in the background) “Oh my god it’s nowhere to be found” It was there this morning when we woke up, and we are very concerned that somebody is getting in our apartment. Do you know if anyone was ordered in here for any reason last night to remove it? If they were not we would like the locks changed, as we are very worried about this happening again to us.”

My reactions

1) Umm who would go into your apartment just to take a cabinet door knob?

2) Is there really no chance that it simply fell off, and is lost forever in the mess that you call your home?

3) You probably took it off yourself, and don’t remember.

Hours later I get another call this time I answer... (sigh)

Resident: “Umm we found it, it was in my pocket” My response: “Of course it was” and I hung up.

Final thoughts...

I am considering going by at some point tomorrow, and taking something obvious like the refrigerator door handle, or maybe the bedroom door for like an hour... just to see what happens.

Happy birthday fake city on fire thing..

2012-05-17T22:19:00.000-04:00

So as you know if you follow my blog, I get a random amount of e-mails, phone calls, and general encounters that are utterly ridiculous. This was the icing on the cake of my week. I received the following e-mail.. This is what I live for...

"I have an apartment emergency. I am out of town and accidentally left a card board box with dry ice it in at my apartment. Since there is no outside ventilation if it's not thrown out it will kill my cat. Can someone go and throw it out? It is happy birthday fake city on fire thing. It's. On the counter"

I had to read this e-mail a couple times because it made no sense... Naturally curious & fearful for the poor cat, I stopped by to remove the "Happy birthday fake city on fire thing". To my surprise it was just as she had described it...

Contractor, Jail, needing help.. I must be in a "Lifetime movie"

2012-03-29T12:27:00.000-04:00

Never a dull morning... I decided to start documenting daily my encounters with crazies... I literally have a book in my desk drawer and when someone says something ridiculous I just pull it out and start writing... I have been told that I will even do it as they are sitting in front of me. (I guess I need to work on being more stealth about it) *You have been warned if I do this to you*

This guy comes into my office with tattoos all over his neck and body (don’t get wrong I like tattoo’s his were just scary) & says:

“I remember you; wow did you used to be fat?”

Me: “Uhh yes I was... how I can help you?”

“I used to work here, and I need your help, I mean I worked for a contractor and I did work for him here a long time ago”. (At this point I think of lifetime movies, and am waiting for the worst.. it’s always the “contractor” right?” anyway he proceeds to tell me that he “literally” just got out prison (god help me) and was just dropped off on a main street close by , and thought he would come here to get help. (Of course he did I’m still waiting for the punch line)

He shows me a commissary check he just received from a law enforcement agency (naturally) and asks me where he can cash it. I suggest Amscot, and give him directions. He then goes into this looooong story about how he was suing them because they thought he was an “illegal” and he’s not...

Side Note: I happen to be wearing a ring made out of a bullet shell, and guitar strings... he complimented me on it, and I told him my “boyfriend” (Imaginary of course) who just looooves guns, and bullets made it for me.

Hopefully that's the end of my "help"

A Spanish guy, and an Asian woman.. Part One

2011-09-21T21:08:00.007-04:00

I know what your thinking.. The only part I'm missing is that they "walk into a bar".

In this case a Spanish guy, and an Asian woman walk into an apartment. They first enter my office, and I'm instantly hungry because they just got off their shift at a local restaurant, and smell like food..

They both barely speak any English but yet the Spanish guy seems to be a translator of sorts for the Asian lady acting things out, and correcting me when I confirm what she says. All seems normal right? and your probably wondering where this is going..

Well we enter the unit, and within minutes she asks me "Go can I change bathroom I enter?" (Ok I know that totally sounded like Yoda so I've heard.. I personally don't actually know..) but I swear that's what she said.. as she's changing I am in the living room, and the Spanish guy smiles, and starts playing the "Twilight movie soundtrack" on his phone. (pretty loud) I'm like what the what?!

Not just any Twilight soundtrack.. the one for the first movie not even the most current soundtrack (don't ask me how I know that) smh

No idea where she got the clothes to change with she didn't even have a bag. She is supposed to return tomorrow, I am guessing there will be a part two..

Shoot I'm a jinx she's calling me now..

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday... filled with crazies, crazies, crazies

2011-09-20T10:47:00.015-04:00

Ah Rebecca Black, I'm sure there is a place for you here.

It’s only 1pm. I have already heard, and seen... and heard the weirdest things. Here’s a few:

Resident with Rent Due: “I will be there for sure, with my rent. Ooh you're on the way to the ABC Liquor store. Rock on!”

My Thoughts: How fantastic

One of my favorite residents - I will call “Little Britain” - walks in listening to a Walkman. I first think, "Um is it really 1984 and I’m the one who is out of touch?" Then I wonder, "How is it actually still working? Is it an original? Where did she buy it?" I am going to have to ask her next time she comes in. However, I think in our next encounter, she will have gone totally 80’s, and may have a perm, Ocean Pacific clothes, jelly shoes, and a swatch watch. (I can’t wait)

Resident with TMI: “I need an apartment with a big window. It must have sunshine all the time. My bird likes to look outside. BUT, at the same time I want it to be in a private location. People might see me walking around in my underwear, as I don’t like to wear clothes.”

My Thoughts:

#1) - I can’t guarantee sunshine all the time

#2) - eww I could have gone without the visual.

Hypothetically..

2011-09-13T13:39:00.001-04:00

These are things that maybe you should leave out when looking for an apartment. (Particularly from me) I had a young guy that came in today that believe it or not provided all of the material for this blog. I wish I would have recorded it... wait! I did... but no audio.

(I can do even better.. see picture I'm pretty sure this was him)

It starts off innocent..."I'm looking for an apartment for my dad and me" (My thoughts: Ok, seems normal)

"I was in the military, and am a good guy" (My thoughts: That’s fantastic)

“Would having a felony D.U.I Manslaughter charge prevent someone from getting an apartment?" (My thoughts: what?!)

"What if someone had an imprisonment/battery charge?" "It sounds bad but I can explain... my girlfriend and I got into a fight, and she threw her phone at me, and somehow it ended up in my apartment, and I got charged because she was not able to use her phone to call police" (My thoughts: I need an ibuprofen & where are the hidden camera's)

"I have probably said too much"

"Pretend I didn't say any of those things, and help me"

And finally my favorite...

Ending with "You’re very beautiful by the way" will earn you no points, creep me out, and will just make me laugh.

Merman..

2011-08-15T09:37:00.004-04:00

This one is going to make me rich one day.. I have a resident that I believe is part fish or at least has gills.. I have come to the conclusion that he is a "Merman" okay let me back up..

Exhibit A) For starters every time he comes into my office his hands, and feet and shirt are literally dripping wet.He will only run in for a second while holding a plastic red cup full of "water", and a paper towel. It's almost as if he can't be dry.

Exhibit B) I once saw him walk up to his car (he had no clue I was watching him), and pour a cup of water onto his dashboard, and then ..drive away?!

Exhibit C) Recently the neighbor below had a leak, and I had to enter merman's unit. When I walked in the unit everything was wet and there was a path made out of towels. He claims he spilled water when he was cleaning. When I looked around I realized he had nothing No bed.. no couch.. no tv..

The following have been his reasons over the years for not having things:

"I just donated all of my stuff"
"My dad moved into a condo and needed it"
"I just bought all new stuff it's coming today"

Anyway I walk into the bathroom to find that the toilet seat was missing again he claims that he never had one (we have replaced it about 3x)

Closing Argument) The bath tub was sparkling, and had a pillow in it..

The signs are all there.He obviously is part fish, and has possible OCD issues.

Bollywood..and free starburst..

2011-07-20T21:39:00.009-04:00

True Story! It's always sounds like a made up story when someone says that doesn't it?

This however is a "true story"..

A couple came in the other day to look at an apartment. They "seemed" totally normal until we looked at the unit..

The boyfriend started humming a little bit which should have tipped me off (who really hums anymore?). But I thought nothing of it, and proceeded to show them the unit. When we enter the kitchen he breaks off into this "Bollywood song", and started waving his hands a little bit. I smile but inside i'm literally dying from laughter! I'm not sure weather to clap or laugh or just walk away. So I just stand there..

He continues to sing as he walks through the rest of the unit, and when he's done his girlfriend smiles at me, and offers me a yellow Starburst.

I swear this was the song..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwFlJP1kpHQ&feature=related

Update: They came back in the next day, and he began humming again. This time.. I clapped, and then asked him when he wanted to move-in.

Broken feet & cheese..

2011-05-18T12:15:00.002-04:00

Just a couple things that have made me giggle lately! (I couldn’t make this up if I tried...) Ok, maybe I could but with so much material I will never have to.

“My credit is bad because I’m a dancer, and broke both of my feet”

“Quick settle our debate! Was Dukakis Greek?” My question of the week during the meeting of the minds with 80 year olds in the pool area. (They think I’m a genius, and I answer all of their questions.)

“I don’t like cold cheese in my mouth” totally random we were talking about the size of the unit.

“Of course I remember you how can I forget being locked out of a unit, and having to scale the fence” It’s true I met with a banner designer, and was showing him where I wanted a banner... trick was we had to go out the window 1st floor to see it (long story) and then the window slammed shut.. (With our cell phone’s inside of course) nothing in front of us but the concrete wall, and a fence... that we had to scale to get out. I guess it would be hard to forget me for that.

Thursday Nonsense

2011-05-04T10:59:00.004-04:00

Just ridiculousness..

1) "Has anyone found my assport?" "I can't find it anywhere" (He meant passport...)

2) I had a guy call, and say "Hi I'm looking for a friend"
He literally was.. I learned this the hard way 20 minutes later after thinking that he was looking for an apartment for his friend, (silly me) and couldn't get off the phone..

3)"I'm not worried I used to be a hit-man apprentice" (I've got nothing here..)

4) Fantastic that I actually have to post notices like this..

"There have been a pile of dirty clothes sitting on the counter top for over a week. Note: the clothes have been bagged up, and will be disposed of by 5/13/11 if unclaimed.Please contact the office if they belong to you."

The urgency in my tone is because they smell.. (YAK!)

Just Awesome

2011-04-28T10:31:00.003-04:00

Awesome things that I have done, or have been said to me.

1) "Wow you look great. You are back to the size from when you were 19" My first thought was wait.. you didn't know me and I didn't work here when I was 19, then I remembered crap yes you did.. I'm getting old..

2) I had this girl inquire about an apartment online named Nasaline I realized after the fact that I responded to her like this. "Hi Nasonex thank you, for your interest" oops..

3) This guy applied for an apartment, and was told he needed to pay a bigger deposit to move-in. We kept going round and round, and he keeps trying to bargain, and work a deal which I reply to with sorry no deal. He sends me an e-mail at the end of the day with a "new suggestion" I forward it to my boss saying "OMG!! This guy won't take no for an answer" Guess what.. I did not hit forward.. I hit reply by mistake.. (doh)

"The King and I" (I mean eyebrow)

2011-04-14T15:00:00.002-04:00

I have this resident that looks the king from "The King and I" bald head, black eyeliner you get the idea. Anyway he walked into my office with his black painted on eyebrows and begins to complain about how hot it is, and begins to wipe his face.. (you know what's coming)

As he wipes his face, I step back a little shocked because he has just wiped one of his eyebrows off. As he continues to talk he continues to wipe his face and then WIPE! there goes the other eyebrow. At this point I'm trying not to giggle and listen. He gets up and goes to leave

Again I say nothing.. then my boss walks in jumps back and says "WOW" and just stares at him. The guy looks at my boss funny then turns, and leaves.

So.. am I wrong? How do you tell someone "oh wait you got something there..?"

Lucy Jingles is now "Mr Jingles"

2011-04-11T17:01:00.004-04:00

Update to last weeks blog.. (I know you have been on the edge of your seats waiting for this!!) I finally met her I mean him (The dwarf hamster). Read the previous blog if you have no clue who i'm talking about.

Ok moving along apparently she is really a he so that's why there is a change of names. Mr Jingles is a supposedly a rat or something from the movie "The Green Mile"? (no clue I have never seen it) anyway I promised a pic and here it is!

I also took a video of him. After some training he spun around on his wheel like a hamster.. I think I may have trained him with my mind, because the resident said he had never done that before. (muaa haa haa) I love how's she yells at him to "get back on!"

The next visit I am told is to show me the outfits (my resident) is making for him.

Can't wait.. (seriously)

Mouse Trap On My Desk..

2011-04-06T23:12:00.005-04:00

So I have a Mouse trap I like to put out on my desk every now and then...

I put it out a couple days ago and forgot about it. Both yesterday and today I have had people say:

"Do you have mice in your apartments?"

and every time I respond

"uh no... Why do you ask?"

then they remind me of the trap I have on my desk.

I then ask them to stop, actually read it, and push the button.

(Side note: I was messing with it, and was hoping I could get it to actually work, but I have been told I am missing a piece... HA)

Lucy Jingles

2011-04-04T14:34:00.004-04:00

I know it's been awhile but I promise to update more often. For today I have decided to post a funny conversation.

Resident: "Hey I got a new pet and wanted to tell you about it"

Me: "Ok, what type of pet is it?"

Resident: "Oh she's a hamster, she just glorious!"

Me: " I see.. what's her name?"

Resident: "Lucy Jingles, I'm going to bring her to meet you tomorrow, I really want her to make friends"

Me: "Great.."

So now I have something to look forward to tomorrow, socializing with a little hamster. (Hopefully it is little, and doesn't smell) *I will post a photo after our play date.

Here comes the funny!

2011-01-20T11:10:00.003-05:00

I have decided to change things up a bit... I know it's been a while since my last post. It's a new year so that means new stories!

For today's post these are funny quotes that I have heard at work. Most of them are so random they will make you laugh and others will make you shake your head that yes, people can be that dumb.

"That place is ghetto, in less that 1 day a baby fell out of a window, I got bit by a dog and I just stepped on a baby"

“I was calling to see what your square footages were"

“My cousin wants a 1x1 but she wants a first floor and wanted me to tell you she is un poquito heavy"

“I will give you the benefactor of the doubt"

“I miss the days where you could just slap people"

“I didn't get evicted they just didn't want me there"

“Now I have to wash my dishes in the microwave because my sink is clogged"

“I have good credit..Sprint just approved me for a cell phone"

Cut a rug! Wait... Cut a Mattress

2010-11-01T07:17:00.002-04:00

This is a first... But first some background information. A new resident came in let’s call her Maria, she’s an international employee at a hotel chain and moved into an apartment with a den. The den would great as a closet or an office but being as the building was cut many years ago the wall is un- even so making this a bedroom could make it a little hard to set-up..

Anyway she comes in after she and her friend are approved and asks for my help. She asks if I can help her, “Cut my mattress so that it will fit in the room” I humor her for a moment and ask her to show me what the problem is. I walk up to the unit and see a mattress smooshed up against the wall and sliding the closet doors. She then asks me “Do have scissors or a knife” I look at her confused as I thought she was kidding and say “uh no... That is not possible and is not going to work”. I suggest getting a smaller mattress, or switching rooms with her room-mate that has a smaller bed!

She looks at me in disbelief and stops the maint tech and asks him to chop the sides off with a saw. He breaks it down for her and explains why it would not work and tells her if he cut it the mattress would fall apart and attempted to explain the concept of metal springs.

I see her later on at the pool sunbathing say hello and walk to my office. She knocks on my door to then ask me if I have any good music or reading material for her.

Wow and Wow...

I managed to take a picture with the empty room but not one with the mattress... Yet!

Pitching a Tent (Part Two)

2010-08-31T18:51:00.005-04:00

I know I know the suspense is killing you so here comes the funny!

1) Crazy Senorita: Back Story..this lady is always a problem knocking on random people’s door yelling at them that they are in her apt (they are not), losing her teeth then digging for them in the dumpster, and reporting things that have not happened (don’t pity her she will come up in a future blog) anyway the day of the tenting I wanted to check on her to make sure she was gone. The entire complex was vacant, and the pest control company began checking units. I watched as a cab pulled up and she got in it with a small trash bag. no clothes... nothing. I then see it pull down the street stop and she jumps out looks both ways and runs back into her apt... At this point she thinks that she is slick and doesn’t see me... I wait about 10 minutes I go to knock on her door and the cab driver pulls up screaming for her to come down. She then comes to the door pretending to just wake up and I usher her out and suggest she take clothes.

2) Genius: I left everyone bags to double bag all of their food except for new bottles and Jars. What does this lady do? She bags up all of her cups, plates, knifes, forks, spoons, cups and wait for it... Pillows and puts them in the refrigerator and does not bag up any food at all.

Update:

Spider Girl: Called minutes before the tenting began in a panic because she stayed at her boyfriends house the night before and forgot the spider... Because I’m a nice person I went into the unit but found no spider... he/she must have read the notice and left.

Mr. VHS: Surprisingly no tapes were tampered with.

Crazy Senorita: Survived… (Stay tuned an upcoming blog will be about her)

Genius: Lost all of her food but had clean cups, plates, knifes forks, spoons, cups and Pillows.

Pitching a Tent (Part One)

2010-08-30T22:46:00.005-04:00

One of the properties recently had to be tenting for termites yadda yadda yadda (common in FL) this is where it get’s interesting. I have four residents that rose above the rest and were shining stars.. meet the first two.

1) Mr. VHS: Stopped me in the parking lot to express how upset he was that we were tenting the building, and asked if we could just “skip” his unit. The reason? He was concerned about the “Valuables” I use that term loosely in his unit and requested that I come inside so he could show me why he was so worried. Since he made it such a big deal I was expecting a huge plasma TV, expensive electronics or massive stereo system. but no... It was so much better that I could have imagined... It was... a wall (literally) of VHS tapes.) He was looked at me and said “Now can you see why I am so worried about a pest control company coming in here? Look at all of my one of a kind VHS tapes. You can’t by these anymore!” I giggled then realized he was serious. I assured him not to worry.

2) Spider Girl: Bumped into me a couple days before the tenting, and had a couple of questions. She first wanted to know if she really really had to be out while the tent was on the building. Next she wanted to know if it would kill bugs? Why you ask? I asked the same thing and this is what she told me. “Since I moved into this unit there has been this cute little spider in my bathroom, that made a cute little tiny web and I don’t want him to die” I looked at her and said “ugh... yes I’m sorry it will kill bugs that’s kinda the whole point” she looked confused so I suggested she go to PETCO and purchase a little insect tank so that she could keep him or her.

** See Next Blog for an Update**

“These boots were made for walking”

2010-07-13T19:34:00.000-04:00

An “older” woman brought me in a copy of the ad that she posts ever summer in the flyer...

It reads:

“Our dear little pets don’t have shoes to wear. Think of how terribly hot their feet are on cement! Try to walk them early/late,/on grass if necessary.”

This is literally the clipping. I think I may start a scrapbook, hmm...Yes start a scrapbook then publish it... You guys would want to see it right?

Wanted: Experience with chew toys

2010-07-07T18:33:00.000-04:00

This is a resume that someone gave me... wait for it… for their DOGS! When I told the owner that I did not allow large dog’s she returned with this.. so that I could see that they were “well behaved and proper”.

Highlights:

“They are both well-known and very popular with the residents in our present neighborhood.”

“They have personal references, which are available for your inspection.”

“Mindy even has her own raincoat and a special polartec cold-weather coat”