Tales of My Mere Existence

in summary

2011-12-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

I could not think of a word that could truly describe how I feel right now. It's been a while since I've written. Well, I've been writing but not blogging. I kinda missed this stuff. Yeah... I just realized now how much I missed this stuff.

My life has turned 360 degrees, and that's not an exaggeration. When I came home, there were adjustments I had to get through but they were minimal. That's like, 20 degrees or less, so to say. There were times I missed Norway, like I can't help but notice the yearning deep inside me. (That's a good thing though. Because realized how blessed I was, how God was gracious to me in a foreign land. Because most of the most wonderful things, best experiences, greatest lessons, happened there.) Being home doesn't make me miss home (being in Norway does) but it did make me feel grateful for each day that God has given.

For more than two months, I stayed home, doing nothing. That's like 180 degrees. well, not really nothing because I did some things which were worthwhile. Writing is one. But yeah... it is different when you have a job. Well, I knew it will be tough. Before I decided to go home, I knew that will happen. I didn't even have concrete plans so I knew that it will come a time that it will be difficult. But I never thought it could be that emotionally draining. Mama's sick and I have nothing more to offer to support her medication. That was really tough. But help always comes. For so many times, Glogie (my bestfriend) has saved us. And a lot of people do care and pray for us. Ate Joann and Ate Eper had always been our help too. Mama Josie's support is ceaseless and all Mama's sisters and brothers. So, still, I've got so much to be grateful for. Because God has never failed to help us. Some days just weren't perfect. But that's just the way life goes. The thing I was so grateful for was that at the times when things seem worst for us, I was there. I might not have helped that much, but I was there. And that was the thing I have been praying for since I was away from home. Now, I did pray that I would get a high paying job. And guess what, I was hired. And Glogie has helped me on that.

I really never thought I'd be a call center agent. Well, that was my first option before I went to Denmark. I told myself that I need not go abroad if I could have that job. But I failed to. So I went to Denmark. I was hopeful during the interview but not that expectant. I mean, I knew for certain that I am not so good with regards to verbal English. I can write though. I am confident with that. But speak? I am not so sure. But I did my best. And I prayed hard. Like really hard. And it was enough.

On the third week of October, training started. I met nice, good people. During the orientation I just realized that God has given me one of the best accounts there is. First few days were good. I had trouble sleeping though. I missed silence sooo much. As the days went on, the training went harder. I'm not so good with Math. And my English, I realized is poor. It had been a great struggle. There were times it felt like the way I felt before in college... I really wanted to quit. I could not understand anymore. I could not do it anymore. This isn't my line. This isn't the way I wanted. This is far from what I expected.

Life has not been easy. I should say, it turned 360 degrees this time. There were times it wore me out. People who know me would know my tolerance for weariness. And I could say it is high. But sometimes life itself takes the life out of me. Well, I really can't go through the details to that but that is certainly what happens at times I do not understand life anymore. It was a struggle. But when the going gets tough, there is really no other way to go but forward. There were times when hope seems to be gone... really gone. But giving up is never an option. There were times when I've cried so much and found out that tears can do nothing except make my eyes blur. So I had to wipe it out and be strong.

At this point of time, I am actually okay. Well, not A-Okay. But, okay. And that is actually...well, okay, right? I know I need to improve, in a lot of ways. And I am learning everyday. What I just pray is that I will never lose of things essential, the most important ones in life. I am doing things the best way I can. And every time I go to work I put it in my heart that I've got to give my best to help someone. Not just because I am paid for it but because it is what I love to do... I still feel nervous every time the phone rings. All throughout the shift actually. I know I will get used to it. And I know, it will bring out the best in me.

This is so far from the life I thought I'm gonna live. And people close to me know that. But I do believe that God has a reason for everything. So, yes, I'm gonna be here for as long as it takes... :) And be of help... right? Right!

May God bless us all.

journey home

2011-08-20T12:55:00.000-07:00

My last day in Norway was heartbreaking. I felt sadness like I never felt before. The pain was almost like leaving home. Yes, it was almost unbearable. Missing the people you've learned to love was the hardest part. But what made me get through it was the joy of a well-lived life Norway has given me. I know I felt nothing but grateful... for all the people God has given me that molded me into a better person. So even when I've shed so many tears, I was able to smile because I am happy I am finally going home. :)

My flight to Moscow went fine. I waited for four hours for my flight to Hongkong. I've read the cards and letters and scrapbooks given to me. And once again I cried because I felt so blessed and I felt special. I wrote cards for my family too. And cried once more for the unexplainable happiness of the realization that after the long wait, I am finally coming home.

When it was boarding time, I went to gate 50 and was confused when people suddenly got out off the line and went to gate 51. And it wasn't my flight. I hurriedly went to the information desk, following two more ladies who were on the same flight only to hear, "It has already departed." And I was like, "What?" Hoping I heard it wrong but the lady said. "The plane has left."
And there, I felt an adrenaline rush but I didn't know what to do. I thought I was going crazy for a while when they said we need to book another ticket. I was close to tears and was really worried as they kept us (Tracy and me, the other girl must've found another flight) inside the room to wait. They took our passports and our boarding pass. And for what seemed like forever, we waited. I was really afraid of not going home. I was thinking that I have been so irresponsible for myself that I missed my flight. The thing is, they changed the gates without announcements. But I got one fault too, I lost track of time. When worries and confusion and anxiety went too far, I closed my eyes and prayed. I didn't know what will happen next and I guess, I will always not know. But one thing I could do was trust that God will make a way. He always does good things. Why should I worry. So I lifted up everything unto Him. And I felt the burden inside me eased up. The gummy candies from Tracy helped relax my tensed nerves too. It was a great relief that I wasn't alone. I was so glad to have her as a company.

And then the lady in uniform came and said, "Come, ladies!" And we had new flight tickets :) I felt so relieved. Thank God! We had to wait for tomorrow but it didn't matter as long as we can go home. But the happiness didn't stop there. My second stop-over is like a dream come true. Korea! I really felt so happy. Truly, God does wonders! Sleeping at the airport wasn't so easy but manageable. Back pains can't kill. That's a good thing. I enjoyed being with Tracy until my next flight.

Excitement filled me while I was boarding Korean Air. I savored each happy feeling I got. And I felt more than blessed. I felt like a child who's wish had finally came true. The happiness was undefinable. For a while, I forgot that my heart was breaking. I enjoyed staying twelve hours at Incheon Airport. I love every moment being there. At last, I saw them all and hearing them speak. Yes, it was one of the most fascinating experience ever! I was even lucky to have the chance to wear hanbok (their national costume). Plus, there were live performances of their ancient culture. Amazing.. yeah, severe na severe!

When I boarded at my flight for Cebu, I was so awesomely fulfilled. Real joy took over. At last, I was going home!
My brother was there to fetch me from the airport. Too bad, the battery was exhausted. I was exhausted too.
And after a long, long journey, I was finally home. I get to hug them all. Most of all, I get to hug, Mama. That was an answered prayer too. I thank God I was at last, HOME.

Prayer to the Lady of all Nations (Prayer for the World)

2011-07-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Father, send now Your Spirit over the earth. Let the Holy Spirit live in the hearts of all nations, that they may be preserved from degeneration, disaster and war. May the Lady of All Nations, who once was Mary, be our Advocate. Amen

*** especially dedicated to Oslo bombing and the massacre at the youth camp in Utøya. May our God, forever good and forever righteous, bring forth peace into our hearts amidst this great tragedy. May He comfort the people who have suffered great loss. May He restore all weary hearts. May His justice and mercy prevail above all. All these we ask in Jesus' name. Amen.

Miracle Prayer to the HOLY SPIRIT

2011-06-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

O Holy Spirit, Thou made me see everything and showed me the way to reach my ideals. You who gave me the divine gift to forgive and forget the wrong that is done to me, and You who are with me in all incidences of my life. I, in this short dialogue, want to thank You for everything and confirm once more that I never want to be separated from You, no matter how great the material desire may be.

I want to be with You and my loved ones in Your perpetual glory. Amen.

Thank You for Your love towards me and my loved ones.

Pray this for 3 consecutive days without saying the wish. After the 3rd day, your wish will be granted no matter how difficult it may be.

Promise to publish this dialogue as soon as your favor has been granted.

in times of trials

2011-05-26T06:00:00.000-07:00

Each and everyone of us has his/her own share of trials. Some we face with courage, with positive thoughts, with fighting spirit... some we face with fear, with despair, with frustration... That's life. Each and everyone of us must go through it.

It is difficult. All trials are. Sometimes we even think we can never get out of it alive. Sometimes the sorrow is unbearable we just want to give up life. Sometimes the pain cuts too deep we just want to let go rather because the hurting seems to never stop. And we begin to ask WHY? and the only answer set before us is the defeaning silence that scares our weakened souls.

But though dark clouds are over us, we are left with a choice: either we fret when we get wet and soaked at the heavy downpour of the rain, or play in the rain. We can complain and cry out for the heavy burden we are to carry or we smile at it and tell ourselves we can make it. Whichever we choose, we still have to carry our cross. The choice is ours. We can worry, that's alright. That is normal... but we can also pray. They are almost the same. Worrying is like chanting over problems (getting depressed in the process thinking of the worst things) while praying is like chanting over problems (getting stronger in the process thinking of the best things that God will be giving). When worry attacks, give it all to God. Because at times you do not know what to do, He knows just what to do.

We must put in mind that during these times of trials, of deep sorrow, of great tribulation, we will never be alone. God is with us. GOD is with us. Our Rock and Fortress. Our Strong Foundation. Our Mighty Protector. Our Friend. Our Greatest Consolation. Our Help. Our Refuge. Our Saviour. Our Shepherd. Our Salvation... to whom shall we be afraid?

When we realize how strong our God is, we then know how to face each trial. We then find that spark of hope that illumines our darkest path. Then we begin to walk in His light. And we begin to take heart... and before we knew it, we become stronger than we thought we ever could be.

These trials and tests in life are God's way of refining us... of preparing us for eternity. It is His way of molding us to the person He created us. His way of strengthening us. His way of making us worthy to be heirs of His kingdom in heaven. The way to eternal life is the way of the cross. We must carry our burdens with perseverance until we finish the race when we finally stand before our God, and He will be saying , "Well done, good and faithful servant."

I know that when we go through something, no amount of anything could make us feel better. But one powerful thing I discovered, prayer works. It does. Always. It may not take away the pain, it may not change things into the way you want things to be, it may not even be the answer you want to hear but prayer... makes you get through the worst. Because when you pray, you humble yourself. Your heart becomes like that of a child. You begin to surrender yourself to God and allow Him to take charge of the things which are beyond your strength. And when you truly discover the power of God, in these times of trials, MIRACLES do happen.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." -Revelation 21:4

This is what we ought to put in mind. This is our strength... our faith that never waver is delightful in the eyes of our Lord... It puts a smile in His face. It brings Him joy... And this, is our strength.
Let me now share a prayer I've read online. The author of this is unknown. It's a beautiful prayer which I now pray for you... and you who are reading this may pray for the someone who is suffering right now...

May the angels keep you til morning.
May they guide you through the night.
May they comfort all your sorrows.
May they help you win the fight.

May they keep watch on your soul.
May they show you better ways.
May they guard you while you're sleeping.
May they see you through your days.

May they show you new hopes.
May they still your every doubt.
May they calm your every fear.
May they hear you when you shout.

May the angels keep you til morning.
More than this I cannot pray.
And if the angels ever fail you.
Then may God be there that day.

Let us remember what Saint Paul said while he was still suffering during his lifetime whom in proclaiming the gospel of the Lord. He worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. And He said,

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:18

My Girlfriend is A Gumiho

2011-05-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I watched Korean Novelas, I was curious with the new Tagalized (dubbed in Tagalog) Korean drama in ABS-CBN because of it's title. My Girlfriend is a Gumiho. What in the world is a Gumiho? So I watched the first episode, and learned that a gumiho is a nine-tailed fox. And I found myself smiling, laughing and crying because of the drama. The storyline was superb! Mi Ho is a nine-tailed fox who had been trapped in a painting in the temple for 500 years because of the goddess' curse. She used Cha Dae Wong to release her from that painting. Because of fear, Cha Dae Wong ran and fell on a cliff and was badly injured. Mi Ho, as a gratitude for freeing her from that painting, gave her bead to Cha Dae Wong so he may live. If she takes out the bead, Cha Dae Wong will die. But she has to be near her bead because it's her source of power. Cha Dae Wong was left with no choice except to keep her and teach her how to act human. Mi Ho then met Park Dong Joo who told her she can be human. She had to drink his blood and let someone hold her bead for 100 days. Cha Dae Wong gladly want to hold the bead because he needed it. But to be human had a consequence. Adding up to that consequence, Mi Ho fell in love with Cha Dae Wong. And she was left with two choices, to disappear or let Cha Dae Wong die. And you have to find out for yourself what happened next. It's worth watching!

It has been so long since I was moved by what I watched. I finished the whole drama in two days! And up till now I still have this last song syndrome : Dubirubiru Dubirubirurafa... haha It's sooo cute! and so so heartbreaking at the same time. I'll rate it 10 :) because it left me happiness which makes me smile until now. I love Lee Seung Gi (Cha Dae Wong) and Shin Min Ah (Mi Ho)- they are cute Hoi Hoi couple.
We used to believe that when it's sunny and it suddenly rains, there's a feast in heaven... After watching the drama, I think of Mi Ho, and think that she might be crying.
hehe

You can watch it in www.mysoju.com. :) and if you want it dubbed in Tagalog you can watch it in www.dabarkads.tk

What's more amazing is that Lee Seung Gi is actually the one who sang the OST of the Drama. Here's the video of his live performance which really made me smile a lot. I thought only wondergirls do those kind of steps. It's quite hilarious to see Lee Seung Gi dance... well in a cute way :)

And here's the song with lyrics so you can also sing along:

He also sang this one, also one of the soundtracks:

And the very famous Fox Rain! :)

Here is a song from Shin Min Ah:

And this one is cute!

And the very famous Hoi Hoi song!

If I had a last song syndrome, I also had a last phrase syndrome, "Baka! Baka!" (Beef! Beef!):)

She is...

2011-05-08T01:43:00.000-07:00

She is the one person whom I spent nine months of pure solitude... I knew then her very heartbeat and she knew mine. She is the first person I trusted (even when I do not know that the word trust ever existed, i just felt it). She is the first person I loved. She taught me my first word. She delighted in my first step. She was so proud with my first scribbles on the walls of our house.

She was the one running when I get hurt and just a kiss takes the pain away. She was the one who stayed up all night whenever I am sick. She taught me about Jesus and taught me how to pray.

She knows everything about me. She knows what makes me laugh and what makes me cry. She always thinks about me even when I can make it on my own. Without me knowing, she was always trying to make things perfect for me. She had stretched forth beyond her own might to meet my needs. And never did I hear her complain. She always forgives me when I do something wrong.

She is the one who loves me best. Unconditionally. And by doing so, she taught me how to love unconditionally, too. And learning how to love the greatest lesson I've learned in this life.

Will a Thank You be enough? Most probably not... But all I have is a heartfelt thanks that God created this one person to be my mother, my teacher, my superhero, my bestfriend, my Mama Didith.

Happy Mother's Day Ma! I love you with a love I can never put into words. May the angels extend forth my hug and wrap you with the warmth of my love ... I do pray you will soon be as good as new. I know you will be. Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you for being the best. I my have grown up but nothing has changed, I still need you the way I do when I was little. I will always need you. I love you kaayo Ma! :)

vennskapsdagene

2011-05-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

The Lord, once again, has blessed me with a wonderful day. :)

It's my third time joining the Vennskapsdagene (friendship day) at Vinderen Skole. It's a day where the whole school is raising fund for their beneficiary which is Afghanistan. The children were making all sorts of stuffs and services to sell. Some were selling food and beverages- cakes, brownies, muffins, buns, popcorns, waffles, hotdogs, softdrinks, saft, smoothies etc; bracelets; figurines; some had a concert, some were offering make-over, face-painting and a lot more. You would love to see the face of the children who are eager to sell. And they knew they are helping the children in Afghanistan. I think Vinderen Skole had been doing it for so long. They already help built schools there. The Afghanistan Ambassador was there, and was happy to see how busy the pupils were. It's nice to see how they enjoyed doing that stuff and that they are aware that they so it for the benefit of others.
I am actually so proud of Kaspar. Early this morning he called his group mates to make sure they are bringing food they could sell. He was like a businessman making phone calls. And I could not help but smile. He talked like a grown up. He's just 10 and he took the responsibility like a real adult. And his mom and dad are so proud of him.
I really enjoyed today. :) I met some au pairs also, there were four of us there. And we had fun with the children. Here are some pics of the day!

the banner

busy school ground

waffles. popcorns and saft!

Kaspar's group's booth

Kaspar in-charge :)

print ads!

Cydney :)

print ads!

on the way to smoothie!

when lost, follow signs!

to the beauty salon

lots of stuff!

Friis and Company

naip polishing :)

adorable

hannah and cydney

too much cakes!

julie and jen

transforming

almost done!

emo puppy!haha

That's what I call a beautiful day! Praise be to our God for making this day a beautiful one. God bless us all!

The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr

2011-04-11T12:31:00.001-07:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. AMEN."

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking by Mary Rita Schilke Korzan

2011-04-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

(One of the loveliest poems I've ever read. I just thought I need to share!)

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You hung my first painting on the refrigerator
And I wanted to paint another.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You fed a stray cat
And I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You baked a birthday cake just for me
And I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You said a prayer
And I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You kissed me good-night
And I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
I saw tears come from your eyes
And I learned that sometimes things hurt—
But that it’s alright to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You smiled
And it made me want to look that pretty too.

When you thought I wasn’t looking
You cared
And I wanted to be everything I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking—
I looked . . .
And wanted to say thanks
For all those things you did
When you thought I wasn’t looking.

to love and... just to love

2011-03-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

Something in me has changed... 160 degrees change... Maybe it has something to do with watching the life of St. Francis, because somehow, I felt and understood what it is to live by the life he chose to live, a life of loving God... or maybe it has something to do with the Scripture readings and daily meditations, and heaven letters and God whispers, and yeah, practising the presence of God by Brother Lawrence... Because just few days ago, I am completely devastated... I've cried so much out of grief, out of worries, out of fears because of all of the happenings around the world...

And then, I felt that God opened my mind and my heart to understanding that I can never understand His ways... And I have to accept it. The mind of God is totally different from the mind of human. And it is because He is God. Then, I tried to reflect... It may look devastating, it may look like a loss... but we never knew what it is like in heaven. Perhaps, the ones who have died are even more lucky than we who are alive... for they can be with the Lord forever... isn't that what we are looking forward to? Isn't that what brings us real joy? Should we fear death? Isn't it something we should look forward to? Is the world going to end? Isn't that what we've waited for 2011 years? for the Lord's coming will be at hand? and we who suffer in this present life will suffer no more for He will wipe every tear in our eyes? Shouldn't it give us comfort rather than agony and fear?

And suddenly... my heart is at peace... because I've come to know that I must love God with all my heart... whatever the circumstances may be, whatever situation, whoever I am with, I must love God... for the sake of loving... for He, Himself is God...

I've come to realize that my life should be lived loving Him... and He is in every person, in every creature, in every thing... If my waking days will still be long, I will give thanks because it gives me time to know Him more...and love Him more...

I still continue to pray for everyone who have died, because I believe in the unexplainable power of prayer, I believe that prayer saves souls... and I pray for every broken hearts out there, for every broken homes, for those who cry out because of pain, hunger, and thirst, for the suffering world, and for the hopeless that they may find hope and strength in the Lord... for when we begin to trust Him, He blesses us with understanding... He makes us see and feel how great His love is. He makes us face every affliction with confidence... He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Jesus lives in you and me... inside us... We only have to acknowledge His presence every single second of every single day... Our Lord, hears our prayers... for when we pray, Christ Himself (with all the scars from the wounds He acquired during His sorrowful passion) brings our petition to the Father. And how can God say no to His beloved Son? to the very sacrificial Lamb?

Let us continue to pray... and no matter what, let us LOVE... just love... Remember Jesus said, "You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."

And also, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

That is the kind of love God has for us... that is the kind of heart I hope to acquire... a heart that can love just like the way Jesus loves... May we all have a heart that loves... just love. God bless us all :)

a heartfelt prayer

2011-03-15T09:16:00.000-07:00

From where I am right now, I can see broken homes and broken hearts. I can hear the loud weeping and what seems to be endless wailing. I can feel the sorrow of every heart...

I was devastated when I heard about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, and I was terrified when I saw it on the news. I wasn't able to work. Fear crept over me. And my heart goes out to all the people, animals, homes, (everyone and everything) that was wrecked, totally destroyed by the tsunami. I was even more afraid when there was a possibility for tsunami at our very land. I was so sad for those I haven't even met, for a land I don't even know so much about. How much more my own country? My family and my friends are there!

I felt I was literally shaking... and then I knelt down... and in a sobbing voice, I prayed. My confidence and trust lies in my Saviour, in my Maker whose steadfast love never changes and whose great mercy never ceases. Somehow, by the end of my prayer, I felt being comforted.

I am still sorrowful... that on the other side of the earth, people are suffering. And I am still afraid... that the world will end and I am not together with my family. That is the worst thing that my mind came up with. But I am not dwelling on it because the world needs my prayer. I do believe that an honest, sincere prayer reaches heaven the fastest. No matter how unworthy, no matter how much we have sinned, when we pray with a contrite heart, God will hear.

And God will hear US, if we pray with one voice.

Honestly, I don't know how to interpret these things. These happenings are written in the book of Revelations, these famines, wars, earthquakes, floods. plagues... even Jesus predicted this. And throughout the ages, we knew that all the words that came forth from the mouth of God came to pass.

"As the rain and the snow
   come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
   without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
   so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
   It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
   and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." -Isaiah 55:10-11

There were a lot of questions, "Is this the beginning of the end?" If the answer is yes, why are we afraid? We should be happy to be finally out of the land of the exile. The answer is because the world is not yet ready. I wish that all people know and believe in Jesus, because by His name, we all will be saved. I wish every living creature will proclaim Him as Our Lord for He truly is. I wish that everyone can learn to trust in His mercy and love... the greatest kind of love that He expressed on the cross as He lay down His life to save us from the death of sin.

We are bought at a price... a price we will never be able to pay. And it sad that not all of us realizes that. It is what brings forth my tears, thinking of how many unbelievers have died. But I believe that if we pray for them, they will experience an eternal life with God, because God loves both the righteous and the sinners, both believer and unbeliever. Because we are all His creation. No matter how we hurt Him with our transgressions, He still loves us and is always willing to forgive us.

I am afraid of the destruction, of seeing, hearing and feeling the world as it suffers. I can't take it watching the people I love suffer. I know I can handle my own suffering, but I don't know if I can take watching the sufferings of others. But if it is something that should take place, it is something that we should bear with trust that the Lord, Our Most Powerful God, will come to save us. And that would be the moment when He will create new heavens and new earth... and we will be with the Lord forever.

"Fear nothing...Before I made the world, I loved you with the love your heart is experiencing today and, throughout the centuries, My love will never change." (1754) words of Our Lord to St. Faustina

So, I invoke everyone to pray... Let us pray that each soul may be saved. Let us pray for our brethren who are suffering right now... for every child who was made orphan, for every broken homes, for everyone who has lost their loved ones, for those who are waiting to be rescued, for all who are afraid, hungry and desperate... Our hands may not reach them but our prayers will...

These are devastatingly sorrowful events... but I'll put my hope and trust in the Lord that amidst the darkness of this present time, awaits a new life with Him in eternity.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." -ROMANS 8:18

from Heaven Letters

2011-03-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

I subscribed from Heaven Letters and this is just one of the best letters I've received. :) Please read on.

God said:

Pure is the heart that loves. Love takes care of all the obstacles. When there is love, obstacles to love have no choice but to fade. Love wins. Obstacles don’t. Love and obstacles do not coexist. What was an obstacle is no longer an obstacle.

Even if for a moment, obstacles lag. When love surmounts obstacles, obstacles by the very nature of love come down to size. Obstacles, like ego, are not as big or high-faluting as they seem. Obstacles, like ego, are frail.

Obstacles to love are evidence of ego.

You were taught and learned a standard that said: ”Of course, you don’t love here or like that.” Obstacles to love are a matter of pride. In truth, there is not anyone who does not merit your love. My love is full and avoids no corners. If you are to give My love, then you are to love as I do love. You give love like Mine. My love is unrestricted love, for My love within you comes from the heart, not the mind. Sometimes the mind is just too clever to love. The mind is too smart for its own good. The mind plants its feet and dares not depart.

Love is not something that is weighed.

Because you love everyone does not mean that you are obliged to everyone. Love is not – I repeat – love is not obligation. Obligation is love enchained. Love enchained is not love. I adjure you to love and to love all. Because you love and someone loves you does not obligate you to subjugate your will. You are not going to marry everyone you love. Love means going by the heart and not mind. Obligation is of the mind.

When it comes to love, when it comes to the state of loving, love is not denied. Love the reprobate. Love the judger. Love all those who do not know about love and the range of love. The ball is in your court. You love. You just love.

The naughty boy is just as worthy of love as the obedient boy.

The man with a closed heart is just as worthy of love as the man with an open loving heart. This is what it means that you love all. Your love is not respective of status, performance, or judgment.

If love is too big a word for you, then choose the word appreciate, or choose the word blessing. Appreciate and bless. Someone with a closed heart exists in the world. Is he not brave? Bless him for his courage then.

Maybe you were that restricted heart once. And look how much your heart has opened. Look at you now. Someone, or many, appreciated and blessed you. They saw that you were a leaf from God’s tree. For a moment, or for a day, or always, they saw Whose child you are. They saw beyond your daily manifestation. They were not trying to improve or change you. They simply saw what I do see.

What I am capable of, you are capable of. The question is: Are you willing?

Are you willing to defray your willful mind and surrender to your heart? No longer deny the wealth of your heart.

What you surrender to is Truth.

Be brother or sister to all. No longer separate yourself.

Love the lost lambs as well as the found ones.

Love for a change. Love first. Love without revision. Love because everyone in the world can use your love. Love because you need your love. Love for no other reason than that the sun shines. Unrestrict your love so that the sun shines for all.

If you wish to receive daily messages from God, just click HEAVEN LETTERS.

I also subscribed to God Whispers. It is worth reading. It is something I look forward to.

Because I believe that no words comes to you, no message, nor Scripture readings that is by accident. It is what God wants you to know. It is His way of letting You know He is thinking of you and He knows what you are going through. It is His way of letting you understand His love and making you feel you are never forgotten by Him.

I also read Our Daily Bread, Today's Mass Readings, and Daily Scripture Readings and Meditations.

I encourage you to read His word. This time of lent, let us open our hearts to Him. Let us trust in His steadfast love and great mercy. Let us fast, abstain, and offer sacrifices. And when we feel that pain, let us all remember that Jesus had it all...

May this lent be a moment of reconciliation. May this bring forth hope, faith and love upon our souls. God loves us so. No matter how many times we turn our backs on Him, He never turned His back on us. He is always there with an outstretched arm, always ready to embrace us when we are ready to acknowledge Him as Our Father. That's how awesome His love is for us... That even if we continue to sin against Him, He still loves us.

Lastly, I'd like to share a poem I've heard from Father Leo Clifford on Daily Video Reflections. It is a poem of Jesus addressing to Judas while He is hanging on the cross.

Judas, if true love never ceases

how could you, my friend, have come to this:

To sell me for thirty silver pieces

and betray me with a kiss?

Judas, remember what I taught you,

do not despair while hanging on the rope.

It's because you sinned that I have sought you;

I came to give you hope.

Judas, let us pray and hang together,

you on your halter, I upon my hill.

Dear friend, even if you loved me never,

you know I love you still.

May God bless you all...

The Robin and The Sparrow By Elizabeth Cheney

2011-02-14T03:28:00.000-08:00

Said the Robin to the Sparrow
"I should really like to know
Why these anxious human beings
Rush about and worry so?”

Said the Sparrow to the Robin;
“Friend, I think that it must be
That they have no Heavenly Father
Such as cares for you and me.”

I've watched the daily video reflection by Father Leo on EWTN and I was struck with this dogrel he shared. It's so beautiful I can't help but share! :)

for my dearest Ate Geegile on her birthday :)

2011-02-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

FRAGILE - easily broken, damaged or destroyed; vulnerably delicate; lacking substance or significance.

Seriously, my sister shouldn't had been named Fragile. Simply because she is the exact opposite of the meaning of the word. I know, Mama would agree (and everyone who knows her). But she was named so because Mama always see the word while she was pregnant with. That is why. But she isn't so fragile.

First, she is tough. One of the toughest person I've known (which made me realize she is more like my father). So, she isn't the one who's easily broken, damaged or destroyed. She has a strong personality, like a strong pillar we could lean on to. She always stood up for what she believes in. And yes, if she has to yell, she will. She will scream at the top of her lungs just so you could get her point. If she isn't happy, she tells it in your face. She isn't the one who hides her feelings because once that she tried, she exploded... and you never ever ever want to see her explode. She is always confident. When we were yet young, she was the one who knew already what she wanted. When it comes to dresses, bags or shoes, she knew what she liked. Though she never demanded for anything. She is definite in her opinions. I think she was the only one who could face Papa with valid and convincing reasons. When Papa gets mad, she was the only one who could face Papa's anger (while we all hide hehe). And I think it is a good thing. I mean, I think she is one of the greatest factor that made me face my fears. I mean, she had instilled in my mind that there is nothing worth fearing nor worrying about as long as you know you're right. We all listen to her in the house. Because her ideas are always sane. Except when she crack jokes (oh please... Ayen would definitely run away than to hear her jokes). But all in all, she is one of the strong pillars which made our family strong. She can connect to each one of us, uniting us together even up to these times we are far away. There are a lot of things I don't enjoy with my other siblings back then and instead of fighting, I just go into my room and write. But she never ran out of ideas on how we enjoy our times together. She will cook something out of scraps; she convinces us to watch horror movies (which was one of the most horrible memories I have yet, fun); she always makes sure something ordinary becomes a form of joyful activity (like sweeping the leaves in the yard including the highway) and she always tries her best to be with us ( no matter what the consequences may be, no matter how tires she may get, no matter how great the sacrifice she has to give). That's what she is.

Vulnerably delicate? Hmm... In most occasions, I've never seen her cry. I've never seen her breakdown or anything. When she is in tears, it's because she is really mad. Sometimes she is mad at me, I know. We fight. A lot. And I am the one who doesn't give in. She's older than me, she ought to give in, that was what I thought back then. Even when it's only eleven months, still she's older. But no matter how mad she gets, she always gives in. Maybe because she doesn't have a choice... or, she simply loves me ;). She doesn't keep grudges.. and I am glad that she is like that.. It made me see myself more clearly. It made me want to be kind with no reason but just the love to be kind. It always felt good. I've always wanted to be like her-strong and confident and kind. She always turns to the positive side of things. Somehow I think that long before she already understood that her tears and her fears won't do anything. Or maybe because she is the eldest she had made up her mind to be the one who is stronger. So while I cry, she was thinking of solutions. I could not count as to how many times she had saved me. Since I was young, I was shy and silent, I've got so many fears. I could not look at people because I am afraid ( I don't know why). I am only at peace when I am in my room, praying. And I'm only at ease when I am with her. At all times, she always thinks how to make things better for all of us especially for me. And slowly, without even meaning to, she taught me to be strong and to be at least 'human'. hehe Though, there were times she's weak. I know that. And those were the times she hid from me. Maybe she didn't want me to worry. But I've read her diary one time (accidentally, promise!) and on that page I felt how much she grieved every time she sees me in tears. And there was that phrase, "I wish I could do something to help her because it hurts me to see her cry." Then I cried again... but along with my tears, is a promise that I needed myself to be strong so that she won't be hurt. I made her vulnerable at that time. So, she is relatively vulnerably delicate (so she is like, half the meaning of it but still the opposite meaning of it..masabot, di?hehe)... She gets hurt when the ones she loves get hurt, well, that applies to all people- for no one in this entire universe could deeply hurt us and makes us vulnerable to pain except the ones we love.

She is the best big sister I've ever known. She might not have noticed it but she had imprinted something in my heart. Something impregnable. That no matter how long the time we were away and how far the distance between us, I could still feel her. Obviously, she doesn't lack significance at all. Not with me... and not with the people she had lived with and known. She always leave a print that is always, again, impregnable. Unsa ng impregnable? haha di ko magsaba. :D

And since her name doesn't truly describe her by what it meant, I made an acrostic for her. ( I searched for words and these are the best, (no not entirely because there were words I could not find in the dictionary) but these are closer to what she is for me... And I love her for all that she is and for all that she is gonna be... forever!

Freaky - Strange and somewhat frightening
Rare - Marked by an uncommon quality; especially superlative or extreme of its kind
Awesome - Inspiring awe, admiration or wonder
Gallant - Having or displaying great dignity or nobility
Illuminant - Something that can serve as a source of light
Lovable - (ehem) Having characteristics that attract love or affection
Endowed - Provided or supplied or equipped with (especially as by inheritance or nature)

And to top it all, here is my message to my ever precious big sister:

Dearest Ate Geegile,

As time flows, I find it harder to find the perfect words that would describe how much I care for you... much harder to find gifts that would make you smile, even more harder to make you feel my love when we are miles apart. Now all I have right now is a wish and a prayer that God may bless you more and grant your heart's desires as you take another step towards the fulfilment of our dreams. I know He listens and He cares and He loves us.

I will always be grateful to have an Ate like you. Thank you for the love you have shown... it is still with me and will always be with me until... eternity? yes, eternity... :) I will keep this forever...
We don't know what lies ahead, and yet I am sure that the love that is in me will keep me strong and will get me going to where I wanna be which I sincerely hope, is where also God wants me to be.

I love you so much... and I am looking forward for the day we will all be together again. Just like the old times...when we care less about the world and just have fun.

I wish you all the happiness in the world. I miss you so much, Te.

Happy happy birthday! (hehe maguwang na pod ka)

Lovelots,
Bakyeth

what's next?

2011-02-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

I'm somewhere in between... and I know I need to take that one step that will lead me to the fulfilment of my existence.

I actually am in a crossroad right now. And I knew I've been here before. And If I again choose the wrong road, I'll face another crossroad again... much more crossroads perhaps.

Sometimes it frustrates me... not knowing where to go... But then... hey, I've been here before. I need to choose what is right. I need to choose the road He has set down before me.

It is not easy... but who said it will be? Sometimes I even feel unworthy... because my passion is somewhat different from my purpose.

But I believe everything happens for a reason. Every little thing, even insignificant event has something to do with what God has planned for me. And I am quite delusional right now because I could not figure out how two ultimately different things could be put together. My mind could conclude... as well as my heart. But what about my soul?

(deep sigh)

I'll search for myself... and I knew that if I need to know me I have to know first the One who made me.

Then I'll know...

Then I'll understand...

Then... I'll live.

Ballad of A Mother's Heart by Jose La Villa Tierra

2011-01-05T08:19:00.000-08:00

The night was dark,
For the moon was young,
And the Stars were asleep and rare,
The clouds were thick,
Yet Youth went out,
To see his Maiden fair.

Dear one,
he pleaded as he knelt before her feet in tears.
My love is true,
Why you have kept me waiting all this years?
The maiden looked at him.
Unmoved it seemed,
And whispered low.

Persistent Youth,
You have to prove by deeds,
Your love is true.
"There's not a thing
I would not do for you, Beloved" said he.
"Then, go." said she. "To your mother dear,
And bring her heart to me.

Without another word,
Youth left and went to his mother dear.
He opened her breast and took her heart!
But he did not shed a tear.

Then back to his Maiden fair,
He run unmindful of the rain.
But his feet slipped, And he fell down,
And loud, he groaned with pain!

Still in his hand he held the prize,
That would win his Maiden's hands.
But he thought of his mother dear,
So kind,so sweet,so fond.

And then,
he heard a voice!
Not from his lips,
But all apart!

"Get up" it said.
"Were you hurt,Child?"
It was his mother's heart

I remembered I was first year high school when I first read this. And it tore my heart... This poem simply showed how unconditional a mother's love can be. It is sad... and yet, so so true... :(

fun with acrostics (TRAPO)

2010-12-21T09:39:00.000-08:00

Tanan su-ok sa showroom amo nang gipangita
Refrigerator, dishwasher, basurahan, cupboards pero wala
Asa pa man intawn ka namo kuykuyon nga posible kang makita?
Pastilan kung na-flush ka sa bowl, mano wa mn ka magsaba?
O, trapo, texti tawn ko aron ko mahiluna.

Heartily dedicated to that piece of cloth we always used in washing the floor which mysteriously vanished that night... Wherever you are... we somehow miss you...

worn out

2010-12-21T07:14:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it has something to do with the eclipse... (Yeah, Ingrid told me there will be an eclipse today, or maybe it had already occurred, it's difficult to know with that thick clouds covering the whole sky)... or maybe this is just another PMS... I don't know. I just felt sad.

And just like before, it's almost unbearable.

I paused for a while and deeply thought why...
Could it be that I am still in grief of Lola Young's death? Yeah... possibly.
Or, could it be that I am missing home and it's soon christmas? Well... maybe.
Or, could it be that I have gone far off and don't know how to come back?... Uh...Most probably.

It's just that happiness seemed to have flown away. And I do not know where to seek it. Or I know where but I do not dare to because if I began to, I'd realize how far it is and I'd be frustrated with the impossibility to have it.

I feel so worn out... so crumpled... so torn...

Yeah... the negativity of life has pulled me. And I could not escape...

Something's stirring up inside me. A certain force creating a deep hole, making me empty. I feel empty... Because I've lost grip of what once had made me full...

Now, what...?

Now, where...?

Alright... I need to be washed and cleansed... then I'll be okay.

I do not need to bath... I need to pray...

for Glogie :) happy silver!

2010-12-16T00:43:00.000-08:00

Juanita unta iyang pangalan
Okay kaayo kay iyang papa si Juanito man
Cute baya pero sa iyang mama nahuna-hunaan
Eventually ang Juanita sa Jocelyn nailisan.
Lipay siya basta silang tanan magkahiusa,
Yaga-yaga, katawa, bahakhak puno ilang pamilya;
Nan karon sa iyang pagkahilayo, kamingaw gi-antos, hilak, pagbakho hasta pa sip-on mo-tu.

Recording artist pwede kaayo siya,
Uber kanindut ang tingog aning gwapa nga dalaga;
Sili iyang paboritong pagkaon,
Sahverde nga pulong, paborito niyang litukon.
Isda iyang paboritong sud-an,
Ang chicken curry sad ug uban pang putaheng indian;
Nilaga ug sinigang, dili siya kaayo ganahan
Ambot ngano nga unta kana kinalami-an man.

Ohver-ohver man sa kagara, tanang tawo iyang pinangga
Pamilya nga iyang kusog- Pa Juanito, Ma Leila, Wangni, Jerong, Waling ug Jane, sa pagmahal siya gibusog.
Everyday nag-ampo siya para sa tanan, kita ko sa lista nga kinatas-an,
Reminders sa iyang cellphone puno, si Lord jud number one sa iyang pagpuyo.
Iyang gusto karong ika-biente singko niya nga adlawng natawhan
Airplane, mansion, ug limousine ra man
Nahala bitaw magtinarong na tag istorya kay nahutdan na ko ug letra,
Ober ol, lab gyud kaayo nako ning bata-a... hahaha aw diay, ning dalaga.

For my bestest bestfriend... thank you so much for being 'everything'... my life will never be the same without you. I am so blessed to have you in my life. And I always thank God for that... I always thank God for you... I love you Glo! May all your dreams come true. And may all that brought you tears these past days will finally bring smile to your face. I wish you happiness, Glo... forever. So may God give you the strength and the grace needed in this life that you may continue to bring His light and make others feel (as what you constantly make me feel) that God's love is just near. Happy happy birthday.

Bangs... di magbuot ug way rhyme... haha!

over a cup of coffee

2010-12-03T02:48:00.000-08:00

One Monday morning, I got a text message from home... It was from my mother, telling me that Lola Young has started her journey to heaven.

For a while I didn't know what to react. It didn't seem to enter my mind at that moment. I read it again. I could sense the comfort that my mother wanted to envelop in that message. Telling me that life is life... and though it hurts, we must accept the fact that no matter how we hold on, time will come that we must let go... and that time was now... that no matter how it hurts, we should be happy because she is in a better place... Her sufferings have ended... Lola Young has finally rest in peace.

Until I've felt it... that unexplainable sorrow filled my heart in an instant and no amount of crying nor screaming could ever make me feel better.

I held on to the chair as I slumped on the floor. It was then that I felt pain beyond all the pain I've felt before. And I found myself hugging myself as I cried so hard I could feel my heart shattering with the anguish it can't almost contain.

I tried to pacify myself. I thought, I'm stronger now. And I perceive things more open-mindedly than before. Lola's happy right now. I should be happy for her. Still... it's so painful that no consolation could take away.

I grieved... I mourned... I felt sorrowful. Extremely sorrowful.

I was even lucky my bestfriend Glogie came to visit me. She was in tears as she approached me. And though I wanted to appear strong so she won't worry, I could not. I felt so weak as I cried in her arms. I felt that something also died inside me and the pain was lingering. I could smell it, I could see it, I could feel it. It has taken form and it is continually hurting me... every single moment that taking each breath is actually a struggle.

I went to the church that night. I attended a Norwegian Mass and I prayed. Though I understand nothing, I felt comforted I could see Him... I could be with Him. I wanted to pour out to Him all that is hurting me because I could not take it. I could not bear it. I needed Him so much. Because no one could comfort me the way He does.

As I knelt down in front of the altar, I felt that the whole world seemed to stop. And all I can feel is the anguish of my own sorrowful heart. I am quite ashamed by the way I am acting-- so so weak. I knew it was coming. I even believed that I was ready for it. Lola was old and she has been sick for a long time. But I've hoped she'll get well soon to. I've always hoped for it. But I entrusted that God has His own plans. He has everything under control. So, I could say, I was ready...

I just wasn't ready for my own reaction... I wasn't ready of the pain. How deep the wound is and how it seemed not to stop from bleeding.

For a moment I could stand up and be happy for her. She's in a better place and I should be happy for her... I am happy...

But I could never deny that hollow that was bore deep inside my heart that I have no chance of escaping. There's no other way but to feel it. And I always find myself clutching my heart because the pain is too great for me to bear.

I've had my own share of trials... and at that point, I've asked God why... it is the question I never failed to ask. I've grown in love with Him, I knew that. But I couldn't figure out why... the pain never left me. Why these sorrows are unending? Why is this life so hard to live? My eyes are hurt of crying... yet it never stops. I felt like my hope was dying... I couldn't see any reason to be happy. For days I was like zombie. I can't sleep at night. And I even forgot how it is to pray.

I find it hard to utter a prayer... that was the worse thing that ever happened to me.

I knew I haven't mourned yet. At least, not totally. And funny it may be, I don't want to be comforted. It makes me feel less human. I knew that the death of Lola Young somehow also put to death a part of my heart. I couldn't seem to cry at my room. I felt suffocated.

And I needed to write it down. It's how I mourn. I need to write every feeling that is in my heart. I can only fully empty myself through writing.

The whole week, I felt empty. I wanted to go home... so much. I knew that it would be more painful, seeing Mama crying, and all of them whom I love... It will be more painful... but I could get strength from them as they draw strength from me. Some people may never understand it, but it is how we get through the pain of losing someone who once meant the world to us. I tried though... but I understood that some things are just out of hand. I had no money and I had no time. So I accepted that going home is an option I could not choose.

I felt so empty... but I have no choice except to live my life. I watched Showtime, just like before. And I could still laugh with the jokes. And everytime it ends, I give thanks I survived an hour feeling something other than being sad. I also watched Imortal. Somehow these shows makes time move a little faster. But I am not still the same me. I need to mourn. I need to feel the hurt and then let it go. I need to write it all down. So one evening, I went to Deli de Luca, it's a coffee shop. I felt suffocated in my own room I need a new place. If it wasn't too cold, I would have been at the lake nearby. But it's freezing cold so I went to the coffee shop. I brought forty kroner because that was all I had, my Bible, a notebook and a ballpen ang Footprints for Women by Margaret Fisherback Powers (a gift from Sai). I ordered coffee and a cookie for 29 kr. It has a good view from the city. But I chose a corner where people won't be able to notice if I cry.

Earlier that day, as I watched Imortal, a phrase struck me.

"Even when you feel like dying, hindi titigil ang mundo para sa iyo!" ( Even when you feel like dying, the world won't stop for you!) I wrote that down.

Then I pulled out my Bible. On random I opened the pages of my Bible and there I read, "The man declares, I am weary O God; I am weary O God, I am worn out. Surely I am too stupid to be a man. I have not the understanding of a man." Strike 2.

Then, I opened Footprints and there I read, "Whether we face death, discouragement, loss or pain, we can take great comfort in knowing that no sorrow is too deep that God cannot feel it with us and no trial is so great that He cannot deliver us from it. though we may face trouble and difficulties, sadness and pain, God is still in control. He is always with us. " strike 3! My tears fell like rain. And though I could see the darkness ahead, I felt light sparkled within me... because God is with me. Even when I choose not to feel His presence, He is always there, holding my hand. And I felt a great comfort I could not help but cry.

Then, I begin to write. I emptied my heart. I wrote a goodbye letter to Lola Young.

Dearest Lola Young,

You see me weep right now but don't worry because this is just for the meantime. I weep because we've lost such a wonderful grandmother. I weep because I've lost one of the people whom I offer my strength day after day. I weep for you have left... and yet the love I have for you is here and unchanging and I have no one else to give this because no one else could fill the space you have in my heart.

But this pain is nothing when I think of how you might be rejoicing right now. Finally home... Finally with Mama Mary and all the angels and the saints... Much more, finally with God...

I am grsteful for the times that God has given for you to be with us. I thank Him for all the lessons I've learned through you. And I thank Him most that He gave us such an ever-loving and kind Lola.

I love you, La. I hope you know that. I hope you feel that up there.

I hope this pain will end soon so you won't worry about us. I'll hold on to God because I know He holds you.

Sorry I won't be able to go home to say my goodbye... I'm saying it now...

Bye La... It hurts so much now that you're gone. But I will see you again soon, that is for sure. And when we do, we will be together forever... There will be no mournings... no goodbyes... no tears...

I am happy for you, La... I love you so much.

Always,
Inday Ayeth

On Sunday morning, I went to Akker Brygge. Alone... I took out the letter I wrote for Lola. I made a boat out of it and threw it into the sea. I smiled when it didn't even reached the water. So I just closed my eyes and whispered to the wind to carry my letter to Lola. I knew it will reach her... in heaven.

SA MATAG PITIK NING DUGHAN

2010-11-22T06:22:00.000-08:00

O akong gugma duol kanako,
Hubga ako sa parayeg mo.

Sa matag pitik ning dughan
gihalaran ko ikaw

Lawas ko ug king kalag,
ang tanan imo gayud.

Samtang may kahayag pa ang adlaw
magpabilin king gugma ko
Kamatayon da ang makasanta
niining gugma nga gibati ko.

Lawas ko ug king kalag,

ang tanan imo gayud.

Samtang may kahayag pa ang adlaw

magpabilin king gugma ko

Kamatayon da ang makasanta

niining gugma nga gibati ko.

I used to hear this song when I was younger. The most beautiful song I've heard in my whole life that makes me cry everytime I hear it. Especially when The Rosagarans sing it. They are composed of (Mama Josie, Mama Didith, Auntie Ester, Uncle Sammy, Uncle Yoyong, Auntie Malen, Mommy Helen, Uncle Rene and Auntie Wency) my mother and her sisters and brothers. So I hear the song everytime we have a family reunion because some of them live far from home. I love this song. It makes me think of happy memories. It makes me get through the sorrows of life. It's like a medicine to the soul. And I love it most because it signifies the tight bond of our family, it signifies love. And today, I'd like to dedicate this to my Lola Young. "I love you, La with every beat of my heart. And I will love you as long as forever."

The direct translation of the title of the song is "In Every Beat of This Heart." It's a love song, a Visayan love song. :)

over a box of milk

2010-11-18T11:47:00.000-08:00

I cried over a box of milk. It sounds pathetic. But it is true, I cried over a box of milk. It wasn't just a cry actually, it was a painful continual sob coming out from the depth of my anguished heart.

What's with the milk? Will I die without drinking milk? No, it's not it. The milk wasn't even for me...

I know that all of us in this world suffer from problems. I know that each one of us has our own pain and we are dealing with it everyday. Life is like a battlefield where we are warriors and we must protect ourselves from the enemies of our souls which attack us during our weakest moments.

I am weak. And no one can imagine how I wish that I am stronger. And much more, no one can imagine how I try to be strong. It's a reality I must face. Sometimes I feel sorry that my mere existence causes people who love me suffer. That they need to be strong for me. That they have to exert more effort for me. That they get hurt. That they cry. That they have to do certain sacrifices.

Truth is, there will always be stronger and weaker persons than we are. Because we are not perfect. We were made for each other. If we were all perfect, we would not need each other. And that would seem to be unimaginable. We'd all lose our purpose. We need not live.

Still, I wish I was the stronger one. I wish I was the one who makes the sacrifice. Simply because I can manage my own pain. I can deal with it. But seeing people who love me do sacrifices for me is almost unbearable. It's not easy to see them suffer, to see them in pain with no complain, to see them exceed their own strength just so they can help me. I see how they manage to go on with the difficulty, and yet they still do it for me. I've seen it before in Mama, Papa, Mama Josie, Ate Geegile, Eboy and Ayen. And now, my bestfriend Glogie. And each time I remember how great the kindness she shows me at this point of my life, I feel the anguish in my heart because I know I do not deserve it.

These times are hard, really really really hard and I have no one else I could talk to that would ease the heaviness of my heart. She is always there, ready to give cheerful word, ready with a smile, ready with a prayer strengthening me from within. She did something that only a family would do. And out of my heart comes a deep gratitude that hurts. I cannot explain. It's just that, when you are helpless and hopeless and you are lost and all, you can't imagine the happiness you feel when someone extends a helping hand, comforting you, easing your pain. It's like finally finding the light at the end of the tunnel which is really light and not just the passing train.

Yeah, I feel sorry she has to suffer with me. But I feel more grateful everyday. Because she herself is God's answer to my never ending pleas. Everytime I think of her, I thank God. And everytime I thank God, I think of her and thank Him even more for the goodness that He has shown upon me, no matter how unworthy I am. With her, I am deeply convinced that a heartfelt prayer pierces through the clouds and reaches heaven. I feel God's love right then and there. And I am so grateful that amidst this great affliction, I have someone who perfectly understands me and is ready to withstand the pain with me at all costs. I never felt so blessed in my life. And I never felt the glory of being alive until now. For I have witnessed God's unfathomable kindness through my bestfriend whose heart is so pure and whose love's so deep. Though I wish it's not all like this. I wish I am not at all times weeping. Because I know that she has her burdens too. But she doesn't mind them because she's always thinking of me. I wish I could be able to lift her up when she's sad too. I wish I can be of help no matter how small or how great her problems may be.

I know I shouldn't be sorry lest the one's depending on my strength be sorry too. I think it's one of the painful facts we should accept in this life. We have to accept that we can't do it alone. And though it pains us that others should carry our burdens, we only have to because we are carrying others' burdens too. And we do it out of love. A sacrifice that is done wholeheartedly isn't sacrifice anymore. It is a work of love. And it becomes as normal as breathing.

I know I need to be stronger. Sometimes when the problems get bigger I forgot that I have a mighty God. I know, I need to be more faithful. I know that there are lot of trials ahead. But God always sends His help. I could not count the times I received kindness from people I met everyday. It is definitely amazing. And I will always remember this moment and be grateful forever.

So, I am singing "Saviour, He can move that mountain, my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save."
So,I will try to "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." -Romans 12:12 that I may live through this life until the coming of our Lord.

And I'll continue to pray that no one will ever cry over a box of milk anymore. (I actually cried because I wasn't able to buy one. It costs less that 20 kroner. And I got 20 kroner, only it's Danish and I am in Norway so, yeah... pathetic... haha! But I am grateful still. Because amidst the nothingness, God gives me the fullness of His love.)

May God's grace be upon us all.

musings of a wondering heart

2010-10-15T18:20:00.000-07:00

It's 1:46 in the morning. I just called home because I am now able to. :) Please notice the happiness while reading this. Because my heart is so full of happiness I could not seem to contain. And with these miracles and these graces I am receiving, I am wondering how can a 'thank you' be ever enough.

And I thought... this is so different from what I was feeling just weeks ago. I wasn't feeling that well since I got home. It isn't because my vacation wasn't good, it was perfect, it was very heart-warming and I was really happy and I was planning to write about it I just didn't have much time because I know it's gonna be long, like loooooooooooooong, or maybe even longer. :) Anyways, when I got home, I saw how it was. I saw how everyone struggles to survive. I saw my grandmother in bed. She's sick, she couldn't move half of her body. Have I told you that I love her? So much... so it was hard... so hard for me to see her that way. It was very different from my grandmother 2 years ago, before I went to Denmark. She was healthy then. She could hug me tight. She gave me 500pesos (that's big for me considering I don't have any money), and I know it was all that she had. She loves me... She loves us all. She's got so much love to give. Everyday she wakes up at four in the morning and pray for us. She has nine children, whom all have family of their own. And she lives alone in their house. And I was wondering how she ever survived the loneliness, especially when we went there during special occasions and the whole house was chaos for a day or two and then she was back to being alone. I haven't wondered about it until now. I never thought of anyone but myself during my younger years but now, I just realized, Lola's life wasn't easy. It's a life of sacrifice. I wonder how many times she was sick and has to keep it to herself so her children won't worry. I wonder how she felt by then when she has to celebrate her birthday alone because we couldn't come because we're all busy. I wonder how she felt during those moments she sat on the porch wondering how time had gone so fast and took her little children from her hold. That must have been unbearable. I don't know if I can bear the loneliness myself. But probably there were people that God sent her way to make her happy. God bless those people. For making Lola laugh, smile, and all when we weren't able to do so. I guess, no, I know that what kept Lola going is her constant prayers. It has become her way of life. God has been her greatest consolation that she was able to survive the pains that life brought to her. What I always remember about her was when she said at the day before my departure, "Hinumdumi day, akong pirmi gisulti. Magbantay, magbantay, magbantay. Maghinay, maghinay,maghinay. Magtarong, magtarong, magtarong. Sa kada alas 3 sa hapon, nag-ampo ko sa Divine Mercy para nimo day." That was the sweetest word I ever heard, something I could keep forever and remember everyday. "Remember (day is an endearment for a young girl), what I've always told you, Be careful, be careful, be careful. Take it slow. Take it slow. Take it slow. Be good, be good, be good. Every 3 o'clock in the afternoon, I pray to the Divine Mercy for you." I'm not sure with the translation but it's more or less the same. My prayer for her doesn't change, I want her to be well. I trust in the mighty hand of God. I know that He can heal all sickness. However, a part of me knows we are going there at some point of time. And if it is time for Lola to go, it is time to go. And she will be happy in eternity because she will finally be with God and all the angels and all the saints and our beloved Mother Mary. If I focus on that thought, I am happy. So, I pray for God's will be done. My prayers still doesn't change, I want her to be okay. To be able to walk again. To go to church. I know that's what she really missed doing.

Then my father is not that well. He's diabetic. It's acquired. That's rare. It was okay for the first few weeks because he only have to drink medicine. When I got home, we discovered in a free clinic that his blood sugar is so high that we have to go to his doctor. And there, the doctor gave him insulin. It wasn't easy. My mother cried. Because he's gonna have to use it everyday. One good thing about Papa is that he never shows us he's afraid or sad. He always manage to have this grumpy attitude even when times he needed help. But at that moment he said, "Mapuno nako ug buslot ani." "I'll be full of holes." with a fake laugh. I saw that sad look in his eyes that gripped my heart. I quickly said, "Gary Valenciano had taht since he was seven!" (which was wrong because he was fourteen when he had it. Gary V is one of the famous artists in the country known as Mr. Pure Energy. he's a very good singer, dancer, a total performer that you wouldn't know he lacks insulin. He's always saying that the moving force behind him is Jesuschrist.) And back to Papa, he has to inject the insulin himself. Sometimes my older sister who is a nurse does it, or my brother or our youngest sister. I just watch. But everytime the needle goes into his skin, I feel the pain. I cry. Yeah, I'm weak. So weak. That is why I pray that Papa will be well because I can't feel well when I know he isn't. It started from 10 units and after 3 days we had to check his sugar. Until I got back to Norway, they keep raising 2 units more because it still hasn't reached normal.

And just recently, my mother had to check her cough because she had it for 3 weeks. But the doctor found something else. She has no respiratory problems but cardio. Yeah, heart. So they consulted another physician. She has what the doctor called Ischemia, lack of oxygen in the heart and tachycardia, faster than the normal heartbeat. And that brought me unimaginable pain. It's too heavy to carry. It's too much. I was crying so hard that I couldn't help it but sit at the side of the road. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't prepared. I was wondering how Mama felt at that moment. I wished so badly I can be there to hold her hands, to hug her, to assure her there's nothing to worry. The pain of wanting to do something so badly but was impossible was killing me. And I asked, doesn't God hear my prayers? And I looked at the sky and implored, "Lord if You hear me, please, I could not take this anymore. Please have mercy!"

I felt dark clouds hovering above me. I felt cold. I felt I could never make it. But if I will not be strong for myself, how can I ever be strong for the people I love? So, I had to accept the trial and look forward. Nobody said it's gonna be easy life... I know that. But at that point of time I wished life wasn't that tough. I turned to God and cried to Him. I prayed so hard until my knees get bruised of kneeling. There was no more I can do than pray. I thought I'd let go of His hand... but He held me close. All the words I've heard that day were so inspiring. And what struck me were the words DON'T GIVE UP. TRUST. DON'T ASK WHY. PRAY. So, I let go. I allowed myself to be humbled by these circumstances. And I always put in mind that if I can't go on, I know God can make me. My life shouldn't stop because problems arrive. I have to overcome all of it that is coming, and learn to trust Him more. And thinking back at that moment now, I was wondering what sustained me at the point of weakness. And I realized that even when I thought I don't have anything, God's grace was upon me and was ever flowing. And that was enough to make me strong. God showed me the reason why I am fighting and why I should fight to survive-- my family. I need to be strong to be their strength.

And today... my soul sings. :) I am a witness of God's loving care, His mighty Hands that heals, He just healed my father. At 20 units, his blood sugar was normal. He only just have to maintain his insulin. But it's the greatest news I've ever received. The Lord has given me a lot. And I know I won't stop typing if I should put them one by one. No, a 'thank you' can't ever be enough. I just want to praise His name forever. At every breath. For His love endures forever. And He answers prayers.

I wonder what God does at this very moment. I wonder what makes Him smile. Because I'll do anything to make Him smile. That's the least thing I could do.

frailyn :)

2010-09-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

I just love my profile picture because I had my name on it. hahaha Please do not read. This is just... I don't know. I just want to write about my name. Because I just realized, I love my name. I really do. Now. :)

At home, I'm known as Ayeth. Nobody calls me Frailyn. I've always identified myself as Ayeth. They have always identified me as Ayeth. Even when I got to kindergarten, and then elementary, and highschool. I was never Frailyn.

When I got to college. My old friends called me Ayeth. Of course. Some called me Frai. Honestly, if somebody calls me Frailyn I wouldn't turn my head because I haven't recognized myself in it. Like, it's not a part of me. Then most of them called me Muse when I became muse in the class (by default--because everybody declined and would kill if they were chosen and I was too shy to even speak out I didn't want it either). And teachers call me Miss Macul. And a guy from BSEE (I forgot his name but I could remember his face, clearly) called me Prelim. Nice. He murdered my name. It's not his fault though. But I then realized I didn't like my name that much. Because ever since, they would have to ask me how to pronounce my name. It was a lot of times and I feel ashamed everytime I'm asked about my name. I often wished my name wasn't that difficult to pronounce. I felt like I'm some kind of alien sometimes. Because it's just different. I haven't met anyone (personally) with the same name. So if anyone asks my name I'd say, Ayeth na lang. hehe

And when I was in Denmark and now in Norway, they called me Frailyn. Everyone calls me Frailyn. My nickname sounded strange to them. And as time went by, it sounded strange to me too. How come my nickname was so far from my real name? Here's a short story: There was this cute baby with full of curls and big eyes and plump face and her mom called her Frailyn. Because her elder sister was named Fragile. So her name was derived from the word 'frail', synonym of 'fragile'. They gave her 'Ailyn' as her nickname. But just like the name, she's weak. And she's always sick. So they thought of changing the nickname. Because 'Ailyn' sounded 'illy'. So they had to buy the name and changed it into Ayeth. And the baby became well. And she lived waiting for the 'ever after'. The End. Don't ask me how they used to buy name that time, I'm also confused. :D

It's not really a big deal. But I just came to a realization that I really love my name. My real name. Ayeth is a part of me, always. All of the best days of my life I lived as Ayeth. And I am glad of that. And now that I am living the Frailyn part... I am happy still. Happy that I can recognize myself in that name. Happy that it's now a part of me.

Life is really... how do I say it? Awesome. Amazing. Wonderful. Everything has it's own time and season. And my name is just one of the few, not-so-important-almost-absurd-but-acceptable example.

I'm just happy, that's it. And it isn't just because of my name but because I've come to identify the person behind that name. If I consider my name as a vessel, some of you knew the outside part of it while I mostly know the inside part. It's half-empty and half-full. The fullness, I consider an achievement, the emptiness, I consider as a gift waiting to be realized. It doesn't really matter what people know of me (sometimes it does haha). What matters most is what I know of me. Because it's gonna be what I'd present to the One who made me at the end of time. :)

I love Frailyn :) (vanity?) hahaha