Gaston Tales

My kids are ... fantastic

2013-11-02T10:28:00.001-06:00

Every parent loves their kids. And why not? We created these beings. We nurture them. Scold them. Feed them. Care for them.

But as your children get older and their personalities start to shine through, do you actually like your kids? Think about it...

Recently, I had a revelation the other day, that not only do I love my kiddos, I actually really like them as individuals. In the past I may have complained about Caitlynn and Miles (potty training Miles was the worse thing ever), but they've grown older and their personalities are really coming through. I feel like Billy Crystal at the end of When Harry Met Sally when he tells Sally all the things we loves about her. ("I love that you get cold when it's 70º outside.") It's all the little things that we love about each other and each of these little things add up to loving (and liking) the whole person.

So, in that spirit, I am making a list of things I love about my children and what makes them awesome kids. Because, they are simply ... fantastic.

Caitlynn:
I love:

how she refers to the cops as "the fuzz." Hilarious. Don't mess with the "fuzz."
that she watches The Daily Show even when I'm not watching it
that she wants to watch the news every night
that she reads the news online every day and will ask questions about things she doesn't understand
how incredibly inquisitive she is
that she is a mini-feminist. She wants a female to be president and she's hoping Hilary will run in 2016.
her choices in celebrities she thinks are cute: Brad Pitt, Christian Bale, Johnny Depp. She has great taste in men.
her taste in music, which mimic mine

Miles:
I love:

how intuitive he is
how bad his jokes are and how far past "the line" he goes when making a joke. He's such a Winston.
even though I'm not happy with the amount of time he spends playing Mind Craft on the computer, developing video games is what he wants to do in the future.
how incredibly positive he is and how he calls Caitlynn out on her negativity
how creative and imaginative he is
his love for jazz, namely Miles Davis
how caring and sensitive he is

But most importantly, I love that on a long drive the other day (with just the kids and I), our conversation wasn't about kid issues or simple matters. We discussed physics, space travel, worm holes, evolution, dinosaurs, and if there is life on other planets. Based on this, it may seem like we are a family of nerds (and geeks) and in a lot of ways we are. Joe and I created two kids that are intelligent and highly aware of the world around them. They care about people and the environment. The are very curious people and I hope this curiosity follows them into adulthood.

I'm a proud parent right now.

Now, if they would unload the dishwasher without being asked...

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Speaking in Tongues

2013-01-22T13:44:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure the kids are speaking in tongues. They're much older now and have the ability to speak complete sentences and have valid opinions and thoughts. But when I hear them talk to each other in the back seat of the car, I am unable to decipher what they are saying to each other.

It could be an alien language. Perhaps the kids were abducted one night while I was sound asleep, but I doubt that. Joe is an extremely light sleeper. I'm sure he would have heard the pitter patter of alien feet in our house. Plus, our newest cat, Sylvester would have attacked any intruders. He's a feisty one, that Sylvester.

So, if it isn't an alien language, then it must be that they are channeling some higher power and speaking in tongues. Yeah, yeah ... I know speaking in tongues is reserved for Pentecostals who are worthy enough to have the Holy Spirit speak through them. But I'm sure my kids are worthy enough to. Only they understand each other (like most Pentecostals). Joe and I are left dumbfounded and confused (like some Lutherans and Catholics). What are they saying? Are they convulsing? Should we call a doctor? Seems strange.

Caitlynn has always had an ability to understand Miles. He went through the mumbling phase where his brain was moving faster than his mouth and we couldn't understand him. We'd have to ask Cailtynn -- What did he say? And she'd translate. Thanks, Caitlynn. You're the best. This went on for a few years after he figured out that he needed to talk in order to get what he wanted. However, he's done with that (I think) and I can usually understand 90% of what he says. The other 10% I just ignore. It probably isn't important.

Maybe it's a sibling thing. Like they've developed their own language in order to communicate when Joe and I are trying to eavesdrop. We're parents. We need to know everything.

But no matter what the source of their language, Joe and I cannot understand them.

And I guess they want to keep it that way.

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This is on TV? Really?

2013-01-18T07:00:00.000-07:00

If you are just tuning in, Joe and I are completing a Bucket List. Most of the items on the list are things we will enjoy but we thought it would be great to spice it up and add things that we won't like doing or takes us out of our comfort zone. Which brings us to watching two shows we've never (ever) watched, aside from clips.... American Idol and Real Housewives.

First, let me say that Joe and I are TV snobs. Sorry, but we are and this is probably the reason we have not spent time watching either Idol or Housewives. We have favorite shows, but there are some nights of the week where we don't watch any TV (OMG!!! I know. I know). Mondays, for us lacks in quality TV and we'll watch a movie or read (!!) or surf the web.

That being said, our challenge in the List was to watch an entire episode of both American Idol and The Real Housewives. Ok, this sounds easy, right? American Idol isn't too bad of a show. It's annoying and all the singers sound the same (well, at least they do to us). I realize that not every band/singer I listen to is a great singer (Madonna, for instance) but she has that "something." You know, that "thing" that makes her great. I'm guessing that's what the judges are looking for. Not every band can have a Bono or Freddy Mercury and not every singer will be like Mariah Carey, I realize this. Watching Idol was kind of boring to us. Meh. That's how I felt about it. I can take it or leave it.

But ... Real Housewives? Now, that elicited some responses while watching it. To us, watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was the worst TV viewing experiences of our lives. Sounds harsh coming from two people who grew up watching the Love Boat and Three's Company. I jotted notes down of our comments while watching the show. This is what we said:

They act like they're in high school.
What's going on? I'm confused.
What is she saying? Are complete sentences and thoughts hard for these women?
She's crying again? She just cried 2 hours ago. I can't remember the last time I cried like that. Geez.
These people have money. Lots of money. So, having money does not equal good taste, intelligence, manners, or maturity.
They use our resources ... oxygen, electricity, etc.
Wow. There's a lot of collagen in those lips.
There's a lot of plastic in those women. They don't look natural.
Huh?

At the end of the show, Joe and I had closing remarks:
Joe: I feel like I wasted a whole hour of my life that I'll never get back.
Me: I don't understand what I just watched. Trying to decipher what happened will just waste time and energy.

Sounds harsh, right? Yeah. Sorry about that.

I will end by saying that some people like these programs and that's fine. It's just that these are not our type of shows. Not everyone likes our favorite shows (Dexter, Homeland, Mad Men, New Girl) and that's ok by me. So, any judgment passed is not on the viewers but on the shows themselves.

Suffice it to say we won't be tuning into any Real Housewives or American Idol from here on out. But I am looking forward to Game of Thrones, Psych, and Mad Men.

The List

2013-01-09T21:36:00.001-07:00

Ok. We have our Bucket List. Most of the things we want to do, like traveling. However, there are a couple things that take us out of our comfort zones. Should be fun.

Here it is:

Buy something from TV (DONE)
Travel to a less-traveled country
Buy a sailboat
Hug a celebrity
See a baseball game in Yankee Stadium
Listen to 30 minutes of country music while driving back to Ohio (No offense to country-music fans out there but this will be really difficult for Joe and I. We listen to alternative mostly.)
Backpack through Europe
Visit New Orleans
Learn French fluently
Travel to South America
Drive a car that's been paid off for at least one year
Go on a hot air balloon ride
Run a 5K (depending on the outcome, then run a 10K)
Go to a World Series game
Visit Memphis
Buy a nice piece of art
Visit at least one country in Africa
Visit Israel and Turkey
Visit the 7 Wonders of the World (probably the 7 Natural wonders)
Write a book
Do Oktober fest in Munich
Sell something on Etsy
Marcy needs to read "The Idiot"
Joe needs to read all of Hemingway's novels
Shop at Tiffany's
Visit Hong Kong
Visit Tibet
Buy a vacation home
Volunteer at a soup kitchen
Watch 1 full episode of The Real Housewives (DONE and we survived)
Watch 1 full episode of American Idol
Vist a psychic
Go skydiving
Go to the Olympics
Go to a World Cup game or see Manchester United
Hike the Camino
Leave a big tip (we normally tip well, so this will be a BIG tip)
Pay for a stranger's groceries
Take the Jeopardy online test to get on the show (completing this week)
Go to a gas station in Montana do these 3 things: gamble, buy the cheapest 6 pack of beer, and a pack of cigarettes. Yeah, we don't gamble, don't drink cheap beer, and don't smoke ... so this might actually be hard for us.

As we complete items, I will write about it. Last we watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. All I can say is: I'm confused.

Actually, I have a lot more to say about it. I just need a day to process the show.

Bucket List

2013-01-07T22:10:00.002-07:00

Since I haven't written about the kids for a really (really) long time, it was time to change up the blog a bit and make it more about the whole Gaston Clan in Montana.

Who writes Bucket Lists besides Morgan Freeman, Jack Nicholson, and weird bloggers on the internet? We do ... that's who.

It all started one night while watching TV. We were watching one of our favorite shows (I forget which one) and one of those "as seen on TV" ads came on. Now, we never buy anything from TV. Never. Not that odd moon sand stuff or those really sharp knives that can cut through everything from butter to bones.

But these commercials are intriguing and funny. Intriguing in the sense that you wonder if the product being sold is actually worth the $19.95 (plus S/H) and funny in the sense that the actors on the commercial are the dumbest people alive. I mean, really, who can't flip pancakes and eggs? Do you really need a special pan for that?.

I love these commercials because Joe and I are picky shoppers. We do our homework before buying anything. "Don't shop with me," that's what I warn people. I'm annoying to shop with. I take a long time to shop in any store. That's why I like shopping online. I can wait a few days (or months) before buying something on Amazon. I don't buy things on impulse unless it's a Snickers bar (because it really satisfies). I guess I'm one of those people that has to "feel" something for the object I'm buying, even if it's only a pair of socks. Joe, in his own bizarre way, is like me. He does research to find the best possible deal.

Anyway... so one of those sales commercials came on and Joe made the joke we should buy something from TV. Just once. It's something every true-blue American needs to do. The rule is, you have to call the toll-free number to order the product. Forget websites. Call it in, folks.

And that's how our very own Bucket List started. We figured we'd only buy something from TV if we had a list to mark it off from. Otherwise, we'd just blow it off as some other dumb thing people do. It wouldn't be taken seriously. But ... if it was written down, we'd have to do it.

So, we bought something from TV. Two of those Asia buckwheat pillows (Sobakawa Cloud Pillow). Joe called it in. And no, operators were not standing by. It was a voice-automated system that tries to up-sell you every chance it gets. Very interesting. And smart.

In 6-8 weeks, we'll have our pillows. Yeah, for us! Woo-hoo! We marked one thing off the list. Next up: taking the Jeopardy test online.

Wish us luck!

Yeah, well, you’re a big meanie

2012-07-11T19:22:00.002-06:00

Caitlynn picks on Miles. She’s supposed to. She’s the oldest, so therefore it’s her duty to pick on her younger sibling. I got picked on by everyone it seems. It didn’t damage me too much. I only see a therapist once a day now.

But Miles doesn’t like being picked on. In fact, he hates it. He’s way more sensitive than I was. Oh well. Some day he’ll get over it. At least I hope so.

Until then, Miles has been looking for ways to get back at Caitlynn. He’s not clever enough yet to play jokes on her, even though Joe and I offered some ideas (plastic wrap on the toilet seat sort of thing). It’s hard for younger siblings to get back at their older brothers and sisters. While he was open to the idea of practical jokes, Miles decided to take another route.

War of the words.

Miles likes to “write” little books and draw cartoons. Every day, we find pieces of paper laying around the house decorated with weird little caricatures and odd phrases. Usually, I’m not sure what message Miles is trying to convey, but one day it became perfectly clear. I found a piece of paper that had some sort of cartoon on it and written to the side was “My sister is an ass.”

Ok. I admit laughing my ass off after reading. Funneee. Hahahahaha. Miles thinks Caitlynn is an ass. Ok. I’m done. No wait.… let it sink in…. hahahahahaaha. Ha.

Then I wondered … how does Miles know how to spell ass? Was that a spelling word? If so, I need to talk to his teacher. I know he didn’t learn it from me. I may say curse words, but I’m not one write them down. Maybe he learned from Joe. Joe likes to write random things down. Perhaps one day he had a Tourette’s moment and instead of verbalizing the curse words, he feverishly wrote them down. Shit. Damn. Ass.

At any rate, where Miles learned how to spell bad words wasn’t really the issue. It’s the fact he used it to describe his older sister. I should see some positive here. He used proper grammar. Nice, going Miles.

Don’t worry, we had a little talk with him about it. He realized the error of his ways.

Or so we thought.

A month or so goes by and the kids and I are tooling around town. While enjoying a jolly good time driving to get ice cream, Miles decides he needs to verbalize his disdain with Caitlynn.

“Caitlynn, you’re a douche.”

Oh boy. Douche? Not a douchebag. Just douche. Now we’re in trouble. First, “douche” is normally reserved for boys who are acting like, well, douches. He got the gender wrong. I had hoped for more. Is it time to discuss the gender differences with curse words. Girls get called the B word. Boys get the D word.

And yes, after he said it, I laughed out loud. Come on. It was really flippin funny. I almost had root beer float come out my nose.

And then I told him it was bad and I figured out where he learned the word. Big Bang Theory. Gosh darn you Sheldon Cooper and your band of merry misfits!

But I wonder…

How he would spell the word “douche?” It’s not an easy word for a 7-year-old to spell. Doosh?

So, to recap: Caitlynn is an ass and a douche.

Yeah, well, but what is Miles?

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To Grandma on her 95th birthday...

2012-05-08T07:00:00.000-06:00

My grandma, grandpa, mom, and uncle raking leaves.

I have a grandmother who turns 95 today. Can you imagine living that long? Me neither. My other grandmother is still alive too. She’s younger – just turned 87. I hope I inherited their longevity.

Unfortunately, my 95-year-old grandma doesn’t really know who anyone is. The last time I saw her, she thought I was my mother. She often called me by my mom’s name, Judy, when I was growing up but this was different. Her mind was straining to remember who I was. Marcy? Do I know a Marcy? Hmmmm…. She really looks like Judy. She must be Judy, then.

Honestly, I grew up with probably the best grandmother there is and it saddens me to see her in this state. Up until dementia set in, I would speak to her about once a week on the phone. I miss those conversations and long for just one more chance to talk to her again. It’s wishful thinking on my part. I know she will never be the same. It’s akin to wanting to have one last moment with my mother, who died 6 years ago.

I always wondered if everyone had a grandma like mine. You know, one who’s house felt warm and inviting with old furniture and doilies sitting under lamps. She always had a candy dish sitting out filled with some sort of hard candy, like butterscotch candies. Sometimes it was filled with Reese’s peanut butter cups. Yeah, that was the best day to visit grandma. I hope everyone has a grandma like mine. We all deserve one, don’t you think?

For her birthday, I wrote her a letter thanking her for being who she is… the best grandma ever. She will never read it but it makes me feel better to write it.

Dear Grandma,

How are things with you? I know, I know… not much has changed. I hope you are enjoying the bird sanctuary in the nursing home. I remember the first time I saw a cardinal. I saw it from your kitchen window. You were as excited as I was.

I was also remembering way back when you used to read to me before bedtime. Your voice would get so animated and I loved every minute of it. I haven’t been read to in a number of years. Adults normally don’t read aloud to each other. We tend to watch TV instead. But I read to Miles before he goes to bed and I try to do it with the same pizzazz and animation in my voice like you did for me. We normally read Dr. Seuss. I’ve mastered some of the tongue twister stories like Fox in Socks. I’m quite good at it, actually.

I also remember learning how to bake cookies from you. We baked a lot of cookies back then – snickerdoodles, chocolate chip, peanut butter – you name it, we baked it. A couple days ago, Caitlynn, Miles, and I baked chocolate chip cookies. It’s a time-honored tradition that never grows old. The kids argued over who would lick the spoon and who would get the bowl while the cookies baked in the oven. After they came out of the oven, we ate a few while they were still warm and the chocolate was still gooey. It reminded me of old times.

With all these memories creeping back into my head, I’d like to take a moment and thank you for being such a great grandma. I realize you are still around, physically, but it has been so long since I’ve had the pleasure of speaking with you, that it feels as though you are gone. I thank you for all the love, support, and guidance you bestowed onto everyone in the family. We all appreciate it. I’m glad my children had a chance to meet you, even if they may not remember it entirely (especially Miles).

Thanks for the memories and the traditions to pass onto my own children. I hope that one day I turn out to be as great of a grandma to my grandchildren as you were to me, my brothers, and cousins.

Love, your favorite grandchild,

Marcy

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What kind of mother am I?

2012-03-24T07:00:00.000-06:00

The kids are getting older...

Miles is going to be 7 next week (7!!) and Caitlynn turns 11 (!!) in May. Holy crap, they're getting old.

So old, in fact, that I can't tell you when they took their first steps or what their first words were. It's been so long ago, that the memory faded. But, Joe remembers. He's the good parent, I guess.

I was straining to remember Caitlynn's first word while Joe and I were watching a rerun of Friends. It was an early episode where Ross's son, Ben, says his first word. I looked over at Joe and said, "You know, I don't know Caitlynn or Miles's first words." What kind of mother doesn't know this pertinent information about her own children? Where was I? I know I was around. I guess I didn't realize I needed to burn the memory in my brain's flashdrive. Or maybe I should have kept one of those baby memory books around for those "special moments." Yeah. I'm not that type of mom, though.

Joe informed me that Caitlynn's first word was "monkey" and Miles's was "ball" or something like that. Now, I'm not going to call Joe a liar, but I'm not sure "monkey" is the right first word for Caitlynn. I think it was "mama" but maybe that's my ego speaking. Mama. Monkey. Yeah, they sound similar. However, since I don't remember this moment in Caitlynn's life, who am I to say Joe is wrong? But... monkey? Really? He's remembering wrong, I'm sure of it.

I also don't know when they each started walking. Was it 12 months? 13 months? Who knows? It's anyone's guess. Step right up and play the guessing game!

Through all this introspection, I realized that maybe I'm the type of mom that remembers weird things about the kids instead of the regular, normal things. Like the time Caitlynn didn't want to wear her shoes to preschool and I made her walk in her bare feet the three blocks to school (don't worry -- it was in late spring... slightly warm). Or all the times when she wouldn't wear her clothes at home... from age 3-5, she striped down to her undies every time she came home from school. It was like a compulsion. In some of the photos I have of her during this time period, she's sans clothes (except undies). I was worried for a time that she would grow up to be a stripper or nudist. When she stared wearing clothes at home on a regular basis, my worries subsided (sort of).

And all the weird things Miles has done, I've written about on this blog. I may not remember his first steps but I do remember him running up and down our long hallway in the old apartment in Chicago, yelling "I'm super fast! I'm running!" That wasn't the first moment I saw him run but it was more memorable because he thought he was the fastest, most talented kid on the block. Which he was, of course.

So, if you ask me normal questions about the kids, like what their first words were, when their first steps happened, or when their first smile was or anything else that baby books think we need to remember, I can't tell these things (ask Joe). I simply don't remember. Not important enough to me, I guess.

However, I can tell you funny stories about the kids. Or you can read through the blog's archives and catch up. Yeah, so I'm the weird mother.

That's the kind of mom I am.

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The Office

2012-02-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

There was a point in time when Caitlynn referred to the bathroom as "her office." Yes. She's only 10 and considers the bathroom her office.

I'm not surprised considering the amount of time she spends in there every morning. What is she doing in the bathroom for 30 minutes before school? Why does she take 20 minute showers? These are the perplexing questions I have about my daughter. I can figure most other things out. The bathroom situation, I cannot.

The reason I'm so concerned about the bathroom is because it is the busiest room in the mornings. She uses most of the hot water when she takes a shower, leaving me with lukewarm water for my shower (thanks, kiddo). Also, she hates to let Miles in the bathroom so he can brush his teeth. An argument ensues when Miles tries to open the door.

"Get out! I'm in here!"
"I need to brush my teeth! Mama said so."
And then Joe or I will chime in..."Caitlynn! Let your brother in the bathroom!"

Mornings are fun around here.

But... back to my question, "What is she doing in the bathroom?" I can tell from the caked on toothpaste in the sink and hair all over the counters that she isn't cleaning the bathroom. I can only make educated guesses about the happenings in the bathroom. Here are some ideas of what she might be doing in there every morning:

Applying makeup... but I can never tell. I always figured she come out looking like Tammy Faye the first time she applied makeup herself.
Giving herself a pep talk... "I'm smart enough. I'm strong enough. And gosh-darnit, people like me."
Holding board meetings... it is her office, after all.
Lipsyncing to Lady Gaga or Adele
Popping zits ... and that's why the mirror is so icky!
Devising ways to save the world ... a mother can only hope
Making salad in the shower ... she better not install a garbage disposal under the sink.
Or .... maybe she is acting like "Simon." She does like to draw.

But whatever she's doing, she needs to let us in the bathroom. We all need to shower and brush our teeth.

Come on, Caitlynn, let us in!

Mama said so.

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Musical tastes

2012-02-02T12:46:00.001-07:00

It's been tough lately to find time to write. It's not like the kids haven't given me plenty to discuss. Caitlynn has entered "tween-hood" where she likes to shop at the mall with her friends (more on that in a later post) and spend lots of time in the bathroom. Then she asks me silly questions nearly everyday. The other day she asked, "How long have you been stapling stuff?" I know y'all were wondering the same thing. Since my school semester began, my printing and stapling has increased greatly and Caitlynn has taken notice.

Miles has been doing Miles-things. He spent the other evening watching Johnny Bravo. I hope he doesn't turn out to be like Johnny Bravo. Miles has also acquired a few more stuffed animals and asks Joe and I to play with him and his new found friends. Our dog, Pepper, likes the stuffed animals, too. She likes to tear them apart and watch Miles cry. Bad, Pepper. Bad dog.

Lately I've been catching Caitlynn laying in her bed listening to her iPod touch. She's loaded it with music. I drilled her not to long ago about what music she likes. She has pretty good tastes so far. She doesn't like U2 yet (Joe and I "heart" U2). Some day she will discover the greatness of some bands that her dad and I listen to. We like alternative music mostly. She'll follow suit someday, like when she gets to college and starts listening to college radio (if they still have cool college radio stations then).

For now, she really likes Lady Gaga, Michael Jackson, ABBA, Adele, Katy Perry, Taio Cruz, and Daniel Powter. I had to look the last two musicians up on iTunes. Never heard of them. I guess that makes me a full-fledged mom if I don't know who all the young pop singers are. She likes Lady Gaga but not Madonna (OH NO! I love Madge), which seems kind of odd since Gaga is the new Madonna.

Anyway... Glee did a Michael Jackson episode. It was actually very good. I like Michael. Too bad he was a little (ok, very) strange and messed up. He made good music and gave us iconic music videos like Thriller. This aired back when MTV still showed videos all day long and everyone under the age of 22 watched MTV nearly every day.

So, Miss Caitlynn, I know you are reading this post. This video is for you. I'll download some MJ songs soon.

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Not It!

2011-12-19T12:21:00.001-07:00

Joe and I have been playing a dangerous game. It's the "not it" game complete with finger on nose and even thumb on forehead to increased insurance. With a finger on your nose and a thumb on your forehead, you really are not it.

Dog wants out.

Not it!

Caitlynn needs help with homework.

Not it!

Miles needs a glass of milk.

Um... Not it!

It's gotten to the point where neither of us wants to do anything around the house. Help the kids? Ha. Not it. It's becoming a dangerous game and the kids are totally clueless. They wonder why we won't get off the sofa and why our fingers are on our noses. What's wrong with our parents? Daddy has his finger on his nose. That's just weird.

I guess I'm a little worried about our game because I'm much slower at catching on than Joe. As soon as one of the kids (or the dog) come begging for help (Miles -- I need my butt wiped!), Joe immediately puts his finger on his nose. He's quick draw McGraw, that Joe. I'm a little jealous... I wanna be that quick because I usually get stuck wiping Miles butt, letting the dog out, or seeing what Caitlynn is complaining about. And it leads me to wonder why Miles can't wipe his own butt and why Caitlynn has so many issues lately (she's 10... that explains a lot, actually). The dog can't let herself out, although that would be nice.

Either this "not it" game needs to stop or I need to work on my speed. What kind of conditioning should I be doing to beat Joe at "not it?" I wonder... I'll watch the exercise channel to see if they have any moves I can do to improve my timing.

Because the option to stop playing just isn't there at this time. I mean, really, who wants to get up every 5 minutes to help Miles and Caitlynn? They can be demanding little turkeys.

Not it.

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Spelling Champ

2011-11-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Miles is learning how to spell all sorts of words in first grade. Words like "play," "hide," "mad" have made their way onto his spelling tests. But he's also learned to spell other words, too.

Bad words. Curse words. Swear words. You know which words I'm talking about. The ones I'm not supposed to say in front of the kids but I manage to blurt out in front of the kids, especially during times of duress, like while watching OSU lose to Michigan on Saturday. Friggin Buckeyes. Yeesh.

Anyway...back to Miles and bad words. He was very proud of his accomplishment and came downstairs one day exclaiming, "I know how to spell the S-word." And then he proved to Joe and I how smart he is. "It's spelled S-H-I-T." Great, Miles. I'm so proud of you. Can you use it in a sentence?

However, it isn't just the S-word he knows. Recently I said the A-word in front of Miles and he asked me, "Is that the word that is spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E?" Sure is, buddy.

How does he know how to spell these words? Are they on his spelling list? I admit to not always checking his work from school (bad, mama!) so maybe I'm missing the part where his teacher is preparing the kids for the real world. I wonder if she went over that during parent-teacher conferences. I'll ask Joe since he's the parent that attended those.

But I doubt Miles is learning how to spell bad words from his teacher. She's too nice for that. And I know he isn't learning how to spell from me. I stopped spelling out words a long time ago. Too time consuming. Joe and I have code words for certain things like ice cream and toys. Much easier than spelling it out. Plus, it seems to tax my brain too much. I've got chemistry and anatomy on the brain. Spelling comes last.

Until I find the source of Miles' new wisdom, I'm sure he'll continue to brag about spelling inappropriate words. I just hope he only spells them for Joe and I and not his teacher. That would be an awkward parent-teacher conference.

"I'm a little concerned about Miles. Where did he learn how spell the s-word?"
"Um. I thought you taught him. You are his teacher, right? It wasn't us, that's for sure. We're terrible spellers."

I wonder if Joe and I would be sent to the principal's office?

Good thing he likes us.

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It's time to start the music...

2011-11-22T07:45:00.001-07:00

I'm a Gen-Xer and I'm a fan of the Muppets. Welcome to the support group.

What is it about the Muppets that makes them so appealing? Is it the humor or that they are all a little weird? I'm weird. I have an odd sense of humor. Perhaps I'm a Muppet, too.

They have a new movie coming out this week and Caitlynn and Miles are incredibly excited to see Kermit and the Gang up on the screen. They love the Muppets as much as I do. Here are a few videos of the Muppets that the kids adore. Enjoy!

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Will I always be this silly?

2011-11-13T13:36:00.001-07:00

As I was jumping around the other day, saying to the kids, "It's my brother, Mike who's getting married in July... not daddy's brother, Mike," a thought creeped into the back of my mind.

Will I be this silly when I'm 80 years old?

I sure hope so. I may not be jumping up and down at 80 years of age, for fear of breaking a hip, but I want to preserve this childish behavior.

Yeah, I'm pretty nutty around the house. I joke a lot... like telling Miles that "shoot" (the alternative word for shit) is worse than the "F" word. Of course, I back tracked and told him that it wasn't a bad word at all. But I didn't back track because it was the right thing to do. Nope. I was afraid I'd get caught misguiding my son. I don't need Miles using the "F" word at school because he thinks it's not as bad as the teacher (or Joe) says.

But I am a little on the insane side of things, especially when it comes to parenting. Sure, the kids drive me batty but I have to wonder if it's me that has instigated their actions. Like Miles smearing poo all over the bathroom and apartment when we were trying to potty train him. I can't help but think that it was my fault in some way. Where did the smearing poo come from? Did he think is was chocolate frosting for a cake? I bake cakes. I frost cakes with chocolate icing. Damn it! It's all my fault!

I wonder about my own grandmothers. Were they silly? I'm guessing they weren't. They both fit the perfect image of what a grandmother looks and acts like -- sweet, slow-moving, and a home with a candy dish that is always full. I can't see myself acting like a typical old grandmother when I'm old. I still have 45 years before I'm 80, so perhaps I need to tone down the silliness and start acting like an adult. I have to start practicing sometime. Maybe I need acting classes... not to be in a play but to get prepared for being an adult.

But wait. I like being the odd-ball around the house. The kids expect their mother to be a little off-kilter at times. They rarely take me seriously, except when they know I'm "mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore." Then they get quiet and start blaming each other. Should I be worried that they easily give each other up, rather than stand together in solidarity? Maybe we need to watch more mobster movies to illustrate what happens when you rat people out, especially your family members. Or maybe I'm just that good of an interrogator. If that's the case, I need a job in law enforcement rather than focusing on the food system and dietetics.

At any rate, I plan to stay silly. So, yes, I will continue to slide across the kitchen floor on my way to the refrigerator and I will jump up and down in mocked joy over mundane things, like when Joe goes out to get the mail and comes back in with nothing but bills. Getting excited over getting our gas bill, even if it is fake excitement, makes paying that bill much easier to do.

Life is too short to act like an adult all the time.

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Miles's new talent

2011-10-25T09:36:00.001-06:00

It's every parent's dream to have super-talented kids. Just look at Justin Bieber. I wish I was his mom. That way, my retirement would be funded.

However, instead of raising a Bieber or a Kardashian, my little boy, Miles has been showing off his most recent talent.

Arm pit farting.

Yep, out of all things Miles has learned this year at school, the most memorable is arm pit farting. He learned it from a friend and since then has not been able to stop. We hear arm pit farts while watching the news (followed by a giggle). We hear it in the car. He lets one rip while playing computer games. Heck, I swear I even heard it in my sleep. Perhaps that was just a bad dream or the dog. Who knows.

I asked Miles about his new talent. He was all the more willing to discuss it and share his secrets with the world. He says that to make the perfect arm pit fart, you have to practice. I'm sure that goes with almost anything you want to learn ... cooking, writing, picking your nose. Practice makes perfect. Currently, he's working on the correct cupping of his hand in the arm pit to produce the perfect fart sound. He practices this technique from the time he comes home from school to right before bedtime.

In some ways, he reminds me of a young Derek Jeter, who spent hours as a kid playing baseball and perfecting his game. This dedication Miles has to arm pit farting might just be his ticket to fame, fortune, and super models. Is there a World Series of Arm Pit Farting? I wonder...

As a mother, I want to nurture my kids' talents and encourage them to succeed. If Miles's biggest talent is arm pit farting, then I need to do all I can and support his dreams and aspirations. I certainly don't want to stand in his way of becoming a world class arm pit farter.

He's quite good.

But is he good enough?

Only time will tell.

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Meet Pepper

2011-09-16T19:51:00.001-06:00

So, we added to the family. It was time. The kids need a dog. Or maybe, I need a dog. That's probably more accurate.

Say hello to Pepper, our 4-mth-old lab-mix puppy.

Taking care of a puppy is a lot like taking care of a 2-year-old. We constantly find ourselves saying to the dog (much of it sounds like us talking to Miles when he was 2):

What do you have in your mouth?
Don't eat that!
Drop it!
Stop!
No!
Settle down!
What's that smell?
What is that? It better not be poop.
You poop outside. Not inside.
Stop eating the cat's food!

I'm a little rusty when it comes to dogs. I haven't had one since I lived at home with my mom. Joe and I have been used to raising cats over the past 10 years. Compared to dogs, cats are easy. It's kind of like living with your grandmother. Cats don't care if you're around (or maybe they forgot you live there too), they're litterbox trained, and they bother you when it is time to eat. And they bring you the occasional present, like a dead bird or a barely alive dragon fly.

However, Dexter the Cat is not entirely pleased with the addition of a 4-month-old puppy. I can tell by the way he sits in front of the TV, while we're trying to watch The Daily Show. He stares us down, probably thinking to himself, "I will get them back for this."

Sorry, Dex. Pepper is here to stay. You may want to sharpen your claws.

So... here's Pepper, our energetic, playful pup. She's a handful but Joe's the stay-at-home parent. He gets the joy of training her and cleaning up poo.

Hey, Joe... the dog needs to go on a walk. Have fun with that.

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Don't play with your food

2011-08-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

I remember being told not to play with my food. Food is meant to be eaten, not used as toys. Of course, I was raised in the Casserole and Campbell Soup Era. It's hard to play with a casserole.

Nowadays, we are told to serve wholesome foods and get your kids to eat healthy. Tactics to achieve this include hiding veggies in the food or forcing kids to eat their greens. I'm not one to disguise food or force the kids to eat their veggies.

The next tactic to make dinner time fun, by using Zoo Pals plates. It leaves me wondering, "How exactly do Zoo Pals make eating fun?"

We see this commercial every day and the song keeps playing in my head. As I'm going to sleep, I hear, "oink, oink, zoo pals..." Do these plates actually work with kids? Can kids really be that gullible? Mine aren't that dumb, are they?

I doubt my kids would be snookered into eating their veggies if I served them on the face of an animal. Well... they might be swayed if it broccoli was served on a plate with the face of Hannibal Lector or a Werewolf. If you don't eat your veggies, Hannibal will get you! (And yes, they've seen pictures of Hannibal... am I a bad parent?)

But then again, that might cause nightmares and issues later on. They'll need counseling because they associate broccoli and other veggies with serial killers and monsters.

Maybe that's not a good idea.

I think I'll take a pass at Zoo Pals. Caitlynn is too old and Miles could care less. But, I still want them to enjoy eating meals at the table. I'll keep doing what I aways do and not sweat about veggies, kids, and meal time.

I have enough crap to worry about. Mainly how to get that damn Zoo Pals song out my head.

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Mom always liked you best!

2011-08-10T12:02:00.000-06:00

Okokok... I admit it.

I have a favorite child.

I didn't realize I was playing favorites until it was Saturday afternoon and Joe and I were running errands in different parts of town. That meant we each had to take a child with us. We fought over who would take Caitlynn.

She's our favorite right now.

Why? It's mainly because she's easy to take to public places. She's beyond the crying and whining stage (and asking for gum in the store). She's well behaved and I don't have to worry about her throwing a tantrum because I'm not going to buy her a toy. She just gives me the silent treatment when she doesn't get her way. I can deal with that.

Don't get me wrong, I adore Miles, but sometimes... geez. He can get under my skin. It isn't that he's necessarily bad in the stores. The "throwing himself on the floor while screaming and crying" phase is over, but he constantly asks for stuff... toys, movies, gum, candy, etc. It gets tiring.

It wasn't too long ago when Caitlynn acted like Miles in public. She had her moments of scary-child-ness. These are the moments when non-parents make sure they have enough birth control in the cabinet and may be extra cautious -- like by taking the pill and using a condom. No kids for us! They are scary! I can't say I blame them.

But Caitlynn is growing up. She's learned how to behave and now Joe and I play rock-paper-scissors over who gets to take our daughter with us while running errands.

I'm hoping that over the next few years, Miles starts to mature and he can move into the favorite child spot. For now, however, I dread the moments when I have to take him to the grocery store.

I could drug him. That might make it easier.

But then I'd have to deal with glares from other parents, as they see a 6-year-old child laying in the cart with drool coming out of his mouth. What are you staring at? You've never seen a tranquilized child?

Yeah. Parenting is fun.

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Censorship

2011-08-08T10:16:00.000-06:00

Joe and I have never been the censoring type of parents. Ever since Caitlynn was a baby, we have not censored any shows or movies. She was exposed to The Sopranos, Sex and the City, and many R-rated movies. When Miles came along, we started watching Dexter and other shows on HBO, complete with cursing, violence, and adult situations.

Why? Well... the kids really could care less about these shows and movies. They might be in the room but they rarely pay attention to what is happening on the screen.

But it wasn't until we started watching the evening news (both CBS and NBC nightly news casts... yes, we are news junkies) that I felt we needed to censor the programming. It wasn't because of the content of the news casts. It's because of the commercials.

Caitlynn, being an inquisitive 10-year-old, likes to watch the news with us. I'm guessing she has a crush on Brian Williams. He is quite handsome. But Caitlynn has definitely noticed commercials like this one:

It leaves her pondering out loud ... "Why are they in bathtubs?" Yeah, I'm wondering that, too. What's up with the bathtubs?

Not only am I faced with discussing the birds and the bees with Caitlynn, but I somehow have to discuss issues men may have as they get older. Obviously advertisers feel the primary demographic watching the news are Baby Boomers, not Gen-Xers or 10-yr-old kids. That's probably true, but I could do without any prescription drug ads. Not only is Caitlynn noticing Cialis commercials but she notices all drug commercials. She loves listening to the side effects and wonders why we need all these drugs in the first place.

Perhaps it time to start listing side effects for all products advertised on TV. It would make watching commercials a little more entertaining.

For instance, Oreos, America's favorite cookie, would have a list of side effects that sound like this: You may experience weight gain, black specks in your teeth, and intense feeling of thirstiness, especially for a large glass of milk.

Or for Budweiser beer... Consuming large quantities of beer may cause weight gain in the abdomen making it hard to see your lower half. Some users of beer have experienced periods of stumbling and slurring. Vomiting has occurred, especially after large amounts are consumed.

Or, better yet... if we advertised marijuana on TV. Side effects for smoking pot include uncontrollable giggling, consuming large quantities of Funyuns, and bloodshot eyes, making others wonder if you are a Stoner or a Vampire.

But for now, I'm faced with censoring Cialis (and Viagra) commercials or instead of censoring, I just ignore Caitlynn's questions. Huh? What? I don't understand you. Je ne parle pas Anglais.

I'm just not ready to have that discussion yet.

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The 3rd Child

2011-07-26T10:49:00.000-06:00

I can proudly say I am the parent (owner, master, supreme being) of a teenager.

Our cat, Dexter.

Dexter the Cat stays out late every night with his buddies. Each night when I let him in, I can't help but think that I'm raising a teenager. I'm coming close to grounding him for breaking curfew. But what should his curfew be? Joe thinks it should be 9:00, when our other children are getting ready for bed, but I'm the push-over and have been letting Dexter stay out until 12:30. Am I a bad mom?

Since we moved to a bigger home where Dex can run and play outside, I noticed he has made more friends in the neighborhood than Caitlynn and Miles. Every day, Dex heads outside to play after he eats breakfast. More often than not, I see at least one other cat hanging around our back porch, basking in the sun. A few times, this cat has come to our door looking for Dex, as if to say, "Can Dexter come out and play, Mrs. G?" And I find myself looking for Dexter... Hey! Your buddy is here!

What is wrong with me? He's a cat, right?

Perhaps this is giving me experience on how to raise a teenager. Before I know it, Caitlynn will be a teen, asking to hang out with her friends at the mall and going on dates with boys. I even discussed this with her, but I don't think she realizes what's in store as a teen, either. She shot a surprised look at me ... "I'll get to go to the mall by myself?!" Now, she's counting the days until she's in junior high when hanging out with friends outside of home and school is the cool thing to do.

For now, Dexter the Cat is my teenager -- cruising the neighborhood, flirting with girls, knocking down trashcans, and killing baby birds. If I start seeing bandanas or tattoos, I'll start to worry. Otherwise, I'll leave him alone. He's a good kid... cat. He's a good cat.

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These cannot be my kids

2011-07-05T08:09:00.007-06:00

Caitlynn and Miles had to have been switched at birth. They are not my kids. No way. No how.

Sure, ok, they look like Joe and I. They have some of our mannerisms. They are cute and I see my family's good looks shining through. Heck, they are smart little boogers with smart-ass comebacks, much like me.

But according to their taste in music, I just don't see any resemblance. I'm raising a couple of fuddy-duddy's.

Case in point:

We got in our ultra-cool minivan last week turned up the satellite radio because Rage Against the Machine was on. Both Caitlynn and Miles started complaining:

"Turn it down! It's too loud!"

"You really like this music?"

"This music is bad."

"I don't like Rock and Roll."

"This is the music that makes you crazy when you're a teenager."

What?! Excuse me, but Rage Against the Machine is not "rock and roll." It's Rage. I has its own genre... called Rage and yes, it may make you a little crazy. Do I look crazy to you? Don't answer that.

So, we changed the dial to the 80s station, where Duran Duran was playing. Immediately Joe and I started singing along to the radio and then we heard more complaints from the back seat about how bad the music was.

Fuddy-duddys.

It was only a few years ago that Miles thought the music on Dora the Explorer (or the Wonderpets) should have been nominated for a Grammy. And Caitlynn... well, she has a special affinity for Abba, especially from the Mamma Mia soundtrack.

Some day, they'll come around. It will be right at the point where I start complaining about their music.

"This music sucks!"

"You like this?"

"Duran Duran was so much better than this."

And then I'll be called a fuddy-duddy and the kids will wonder if I'm really their mother.

Ah, the circle of life.

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Wait! What? We are actually good at this?

2011-06-21T14:09:00.000-06:00

Joe and I did the unthinkable...

We asked Caitlynn if we were good parents. She said yes... we are good parents.

Whew! I was worried. Time to pour the champagne and kick the kids out for the night! We've got this parenting thing down! I knew I was awesome and this just confirms it. Same for Joe. I guess he's awesome, too.

We then decided to interrogate her on what makes us good parents mainly because we wanted to vary up our routine to have good parenting days and bad parenting days. I like doing social experiments involving my kids. However, Caitlynn didn't like that too much and didn't give us many examples of good parenting. Maybe strapping her down to a chair and shining a bright light in her face wasn't a good way to go. We probably should have done the "good mom, bad dad" routine to illicit a better response.

But basically, she says we're good parents because we don't hover. She likes her space and independence and we seem to give her plenty of that, even though the 2 of us are home nearly every day (working from home and going to school do have it's advantages).

I'd venture to guess that most kids don't want their parents to hover over them like bees swarming a garden of daisies. I know I don't like being micromanaged and I can see that same strong independence in Caitlynn and Miles.

With all of the anxiety we had last year about our parenting skills (Caitlynn had some issues that required a visit to the doctor), it's nice to know that we are actually good at this parenting thing, even if the confirmation is only coming from Caitlynn. It's too bad the doctor can't give us a certificate or diploma (something reading "Marcy and Joe have been awarded the Goodest Parent certificate") to hang on the wall to show off to anyone who comes to the door, like the UPS delivery guy or the guys replacing the siding on our townhome.

But maybe more parents should be like Joe and I and ask their children to assess the parenting skills, rather than relying on Today show segments and books about Tiger Mothers. Your kids will be honest. Maybe too honest, but that's the risk you take.

I'm sure you are all awesome parents, too. Just ask your kids.

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Catch Phrases

2011-06-14T11:05:00.000-06:00

Miles needs a drawstring.

We all have phrases that we tend to repeat more often than not. Caitlynn has a couple -- "I'm bored" and "Can you give me money?" are her two most used phrases. I even have a couple, but they are usually peppered with some sort of expletive. I try to be good and not curse but... And it doesn't help that I'm reading a book right now called Holy Shit. It actually all about manure. I find it fascinating. Oh no! I'm letting my inner-nerd show!

But Miles has many phrases. So many, in fact, he needs to have a drawstring in his back like Woody in the Toy Story movies. In case you forgot, Woody's catch phrases are "There's a snake in my boot!," "Reach for the sky!," and "You're my favorite deputy!"

So... I compiled a list of phrases used by Miles several times a day, even more so now that school is out for summer.

I'm hungry!
Mama!
I got poop!
I'm thirsty!
Gotta Pee!
Can you buy me something?

But to make these phrases a little more movie worthy, these sayings should be edited a bit:

"I'm hungry!" becomes "Feed me, Seymour!"
"Mama!" turns into "(Oh mama mia, mama mia) Mama mia, let me go"
"I got poop!" actually should read "Ooops, I crapped my pants!"
"I'm thirsty!" morphs into "I drink, therefore I'm thirsty."
"Gotta Pee!" can be said as "Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"
"Can you buy me something?" sounds more like "Everybody be cool! This is a robbery!"

I don't think Miles will mind if I pull the string on his back. He seems pretty open to it.

Oh and you get a gold star for the day if you know where some of the phrases above come from. Well, maybe not the thirsty one... that one is mine, but the others are from other sources.

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Thank you notes

2011-06-11T13:32:00.000-06:00

My mom always told me I should send out thank you notes for gifts and after job interviews. Yeah yeah... But what about thank you notes to family members, namely Caitlynn and Miles?

If I wanted to waste some paper, I could write these out longhand and mail them to the kids via the Pony Express. Instead, I'm sharing with everyone what the notes would say if I wasn't so dag-gone lazy about writing notes and too cheap to buy actual notecards for the kids.

Thank you, Miles, for peeing all over the toilet seat. Sure felt great when I sat down.
Thank you, Caitlynn, for informing me that Ghostbuster's 3 is due out in the theatres next summer. Be sure to save your pennies for a ticket and start standing in line now. I'm sure it will be a big hit.
Thank you, Miles, for letting me know that you want a disco-themed birthday party next year, complete with a disco-ball hanging from the ceiling. So, I'm guessing that Goth-themed party I originally had planned is out of the question?
Thank you, Miles, for always informing us when you have to "go." Because I need to know about every #2 you take. I certainly hope you grow out of this by the time you reach puberty.
Thank you, Caitlynn, for waking me up at 3:00 in the morning. Who needs a good night's rest anyway. Apparently I don't.
Thank you, both Miles and Caitlynn, for writing all over my papers for work and school. Crayon and markers are classy and are commonly used in offices all over the country.
Thank you, Caitlynn for always turning to iCarly whenever you find the remote. If I have lines from the show memorized, that's a bad thing.
Thank you both for not killing each other in the car ride to Seattle. I actually mean that in all seriousness.

Miles turned the tables on me today and thanked me for something. Here is a transcript of our exchange:

Miles: Thanks a lot, Mama, for giving me a cold! (yeah, I've been sick lately... not that bad, though)

Me: You are so welcome! Glad you are enjoying it!

Miles: That's not cool, Mama.

So, be sure to thank your loved ones. They'll appreciate it.

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Best weight loss plan... Ever.

2011-06-03T08:05:00.000-06:00

Why waste money on diet programs like Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers when you can adopt the Six-year-old weight loss plan?

What is the Six-year-old weight loss plan? Glad you asked.

It's incredible! You can eat anything, at any time... there is no limit as to how much you can eat. Just be sure to get some fruit and vegetables to cancel out the candy and chocolate.

So, how is this weight loss if you can eat anything?

Well, eating anything means you have to spend time burning off all the calories. The Six-year-old weight loss plan consists of, well, acting like a 6-year-old boy. It includes jumping, skipping, hopping, wiggling in your seat, twirling, dancing, and running around like you have ants in your pants. You have to constantly be moving in order to eat anything thing at any time.

And when I say constantly moving, you have to commit to moving all the time. Say, for instance, you are at a baseball game. Now, these games can be long and at times, boring. Even though the seating is really tight, you can still jump and wiggle in your seat. You'll have 4 hours of "moving" in your seat as you watch your favorite team (Go Indians!). This is a good way to wiggle off the 3 hot dogs you ate before the game started.

Seems like a lot of moving, huh? Well, you may need to employ a few strategies. First, try skipping everywhere. People will look at you funny, but who cares? You certainly won't when you look awesome! Second, you may need to get a tiny stuffed animal and play with it all the time. This will take some imagination as you talk to it, play with it, make it fly, jump around with it, throw it, catch it, bury it, lose it, and then find it. Name your stuffed animal a cool name like Steve or Max. Heck, it could even be your alter-ego. The stuffed animal will keep you moving. Think of it as a personal trainer.

As with anything, there are side effects for the Six-Year-Old weight loss plan, some of which include:

Dizziness when twirling
Peeing your pants when you forget to stop playing
Falling off the bed when you are jumping on it
Extreme giddiness
Inability to use your "inside voice"
Inability to take what your parents say seriously
Inability to focus
Funny looks from other people (they just don't get it)
People asking if you have a "hollow leg"

If you can put up with these side effects, then this weight loss plan is for you!

Don't delay, try it today!

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