Talk Ain't Cheap

How to Talk About Race: A Panel Discussion

2020-06-27T12:31:00.001-04:00

Improve Your Relationships Through Greater Self-Awareness (and some free...

2020-03-20T13:24:00.001-04:00

What Every Leader Needs to Do to Restore Trust Once It's Broken

2019-12-09T20:45:00.000-05:00

Trust seems to have gone missing these days in almost every aspect of society. The value of it in relationships has been taken for granted, and many people have a wait-and-see attitude about trusting others. There are those who say, "I'll trust you until you give me a reason not to", and there are others who say, "I'll trust you when you prove you're trustworthy." It takes a very long time to get people to a level of comfort where they can let their guard down and be less judgmental about a person's integrity. However, once trust is broken--and it can result from a single egregious act--it may never be restored. Even if it is, it's not likely to make it to full restoration. There's likely to be the barrier of a small amount of lingering doubt along with the memory of the pain felt from the betrayal. So what needs to happen to weld together a new relationship. The old one has been damaged so something new must happen. Three things in particular will help if this applies to you:

Be accountable. Confess your mistake, faulty thinking, poor behavior or whatever the cause of why things went wrong for which you were responsible. You're more likely to earn a person's respect faster if you're honest about your role in causing the break. Passing the buck, being defensive, and making excuses only deepen an already open wound. Own your part and apologize sincerely.
Be transparent. Since you are on a quest to improve trust, you should let the people who matter know that you're making this a priority. Tell the party or parties you offended that you plan to do better, and then share those plans specifically. For example, if I took credit for a colleague's idea because I was trying to impress a boss who treats me like I'm invisible, I have to let that colleague know that I realize what I did was wrong. I apologize and tell the colleague that I want to restore trust between us. I tell her that the way I plan to do this is to go back to the boss and give her the credit she deserves. Then I promise never to do such a selfish thing again--and in the future, I don't!
Be consistent. Trust restoration must be under construction at all times for whatever amount of time it takes for the other side to feel confident again. Therefore, making sure that you are consistently demonstrating the behavior you promised in step two is a must. Those who were affected by lost trust need to see you acting on your promises. They need to see your efforts to be trustworthy again. They should be able to say without wavering, "I see you working hard at restoring what we lost, and I am willing to trust you again." You should give people permission to provide you with feedback on your efforts and the status of the relationship. And if you're doing it right, restoration can take place.

Rebuilding trust is difficult and at times painful. But the alternative is much worse. Though the journey may be long and even awkward, the final payoff will be worth the work. Is there a need for restoration of trust in relationships in your organization? If so, let me know what you're doing to make it better.

When Your "Jokes" Get You in Trouble

2019-12-04T10:55:00.001-05:00

     Everybody loves a good laugh. We feel better when we hear something funny and our anxiety or pain is eased because humor has come as a balm in a tense day. Laughter is beneficial to our emotional and physical health. Well-placed humor works easily in a lot of ways when we are telling stories, but can also come at a huge cost. If we joke about a topic that is sensitive to many, and we do it in a public forum where our intent can be misconstrued by the audience, then we can create a firestorm of frustration for ourselves and them.
     A recent example of a humor faux pas involves rapper T.I. and his comments regarding how he checks for his daughter's virginity. He claimed in a podcast that when his 18-year-old daughter goes to the gynecologist, he tells the doctor to check her hymen to make sure it's still intact--an indication that she is still a virgin. Though this is not an accurate test of virginity, T.I. says he told the doctor: "...just check the hymen please and give me back my results — expeditiously." These comments sparked immediate backlash for him and embarrassment for his daughter. Now lawmakers in the state of New York have introduced legislation to prevent virginity testing based on T.I.'s careless comments.
   T.I. has since attempted to walk back his comments by saying his intentions have been "terribly misconstrued". He's also said that he's "incredibly apologetic" to his daughter, and that he's more sensitive to what those kinds of statements have done to her.
     T.I. is not alone in making inconsiderate statements in a public environment that have hurt or angered others, and he won't be the last. Therefore, I offer these three thoughts to keep in mind before you joke about a subject that may offend someone else including whole populations of people:
     1) Think about who your statement is going to affect. If, for example, you plan on taking a light jab at a profession like teaching, consider the impact on the people who actually do the hard work of teaching every day and the struggles they face. Would they think your comment is funny or hurtful? Regardless of your intention not to be offensive, think about them first and not your intention. Your intention doesn't matter if your statement has the potential to anger or gut punch someone. Just don't say it.
      2) Examine the statement for bias and prejudice. If it is, who will find it prejudiced and get angry about it? Comments regarding race, gender, physical form and abilities, class, religion, sexual orientation, culture, ethnicity, and every other area that makes us different should not be a part of your standup routine unless you're an actual professional comedian being paid to put on a show. And even they sometimes get in trouble for crossing the line. Cross one on your job, and you or the company could face lawsuits, lose employees and customers, and revenues can take a hit. These "jokes" can mean serious business.
     3) Ask yourself, what's the potential damage to me if I make the statement, and is it worth it? People have lost their jobs and even careers by making careless and inappropriate comments (i.e. Roseanne Barr, Gilbert Gottfried, Kathy Griffin). Moreover, in this new era of "cancel culture" where the public outcry is often blaring, bosses have had to make dramatic decisions to cut ties with talented and knowledgeable people.
     These three steps are not exhaustive in avoiding telling jokes or making flippant comments that can get you in trouble, but they are a start. Keep them in mind before you find that the joke is really on you. These are small actions that offer big benefits. Heed the warning.

How to Stop Interruptions in Conversations

2019-09-27T10:29:00.001-04:00

So you're sitting in a meeting, and you begin to answer a question that has been directed toward you by your boss. You get through about half of your response when a colleague jumps in and offers his take and essentially silences you. There is evidence that if you are a woman, this will happen to you more often than if you are a man, and it's likely to happen to you by both genders.
Interruptions in communications like this happen all the time whether you're in a group offering your opinion or one-on-one sharing a story. Regardless of the setting, we all find it annoying and rude. These disruptions of dialogue hamper thought processes, contribute to misunderstandings, and devalue people's input. So what do we do when they keep happening to us? A few worthy suggestions can be found in Kathryn Vasel's article, "Next time someone interrupts you in a meeting, try this".

   But what if you're the one doing the interrupting? I've certainly been guilty of it, and I'm worse on the phone. Without a face in front of me, I'm not consciously considering all the needs of the other person--like the need to be heard without interference from me. Therefore, I try hard to turn my unconscious behavior into more considerate actions and tune in to the conversation as an active participant. There are four other things we interrupters can do to curb our habit of beginning our comments in the middle of someone else's. We can learn to W.A.I.T.
   1) WRITE our thoughts as we listen so we can bring them up when the other person is finished.
     2) ASK questions to involve the other side in the conversation.
     3) INDICATE our interest by making eye contact when listening intently.
     4) TELL ourselves to wait until the other side has had their say.
     These actions seem simple enough, but they can be hard for people to do when they've developed bad habits of dominating conversations, thinking only of what they want to say next without mindful listening, and getting too excited about their own ideas.
     What do you do to interrupt interruptions?

The Words Coming Out of Your Mouth

2019-08-23T08:43:00.000-04:00

From the Christian bible, there is a verse that says in part, "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." Since I'm big on diplomacy and tact, this scripture resonates emphatically with me because it challenges us all to think about what we are hiding in our hearts. If our words reflect what our heart holds, then is our heart loving and optimistic or is it hateful and negative. Are we harboring revenge, and its spewing forth in language that destroys another person's reputation? Or are we hopeful for someone else's success; therefore, our words about them are encouraging and helpful?

     In this present day, words have been used to create division among entire groups of people, not just individuals. We are wielding them like a reckless drunk with a gun in a crowded venue. We say them without a lot of thought, or if we are thinking, those thoughts are selfish and superficial.
   It is time that we start doing more self-examination and hold ourselves accountable for what we are saying. We must recognize that if our hearts influence our words, then what kind of heart do we have? If its filled with hate, then you must call yourself out as a hateful person. But also know, hate can be overcome with love. Furthermore, love is not divisive, judgmental, selfish, arrogant or prejudiced. It is healing, considerate, accepting, joyful, and spiritual. It benefits the giver and the receiver. This day and everyday choose love, and let your words reflect it.

What Humility Sounds Like in Leadership

2019-05-23T10:45:00.000-04:00

To be in a position of leadership is usually associated with being in a position of power. And though the power is real and necessary, it must be balanced with the willingness to respond humbly in situations that warrant it. It's time we eliminate the misunderstanding that humility is weakness. In fact, to take a position of humility takes a lot of restraint and sacrifice. This is difficult for many to do. Therefore, the weakness comes in yielding to arrogance and dominance because it is easy to do. The strength is found in backing away from selfish desires and allowing someone else to be successful.
Not sure what humility looks like in leadership? Consider these examples:

The boss who gives credit to his employee for an idea that allowed the entire department to shine.
The manager who was clearly wrong when making a decision on a project and admits that mistake when the project fails.
The supervisor who yields her opinion to someone else on the team so that they can have input.

All of these are acts of humility and heroism. The leader becomes a hero in the eyes of his or her people because they know how to be a part of the team instead of apart from the team based on hierarchy. Confident leaders don't feel that having someone else take the lead at times is a threat to their leadership. In fact, they encourage it because great leaders desire to produce other great leaders. Only insecure leaders are unfamiliar with the language of humility. Here's what humility in leadership sounds like:

Marty, you're always full of ideas. I want to hear yours on this new project.
Lisa, that was my mistake, and I'm glad you caught it. Thanks for your sharp eye.
Jamal, you're better at responding to these kinds of requests than I am. Why don't you take the lead on this?

If this language sounds foreign to you, then find a coach and learn to speak it. A humble leader is a successful leader. An inclusive leader. A caring leader. A considerate leader. It is the type of leader than all great leaders must aspire to be.

When Not Speaking Up Is As Good As Lying

2019-01-21T12:19:00.001-05:00

So last night's NFC Championship game was one for the books for all sorts of reasons. But mostly because of a blatant infraction by the Rams against the Saints at a crucial time in the game when the Saints could likely have won the trophy. Unfortunately, due to some clearly faulty officiating, the Saints did not get the chance. According to nearly everyone who watched the game in the state of Louisiana (and many outside as well), the feeling is summed up in the photo below that appeared on the Causeway in New Orleans:

    To be fair, the Rams played a strong game against the Saints. But officiating has a critical part in whether a game is won honestly. When officials don't carry out their duties with accuracy and fairness, they can sway the outcome of a game in ways that are damaging to the sport and the league. Such is the case in the Rams vs. Saints championship game. Those who watched are aghast at how egregious the penalty calling was carried out in the game. Even early on when a helmet-to-helmet collision occurred and Saints Tight End Josh Hill stumbled off the field dazed, no call was made. Ordinarily, that would've been a targeting call, and an ejection would have followed. But later in the game an equally flagrant play occurred when Rams DB Nickell Robey-Coleman made contact with Saints Tommylee Lewis in what was an obvious pass interference call. Yet, no call was made. The NFL admitted it was a poor no-call. Even Robey-Coleman admitted he did it.
     With every Saints fan up in arms about this colossal failure by the refs to do their jobs credibly, I'd like to look at the larger idea of when we don't speak up in matters that are overtly wrong. In not doing so, we are essentially condoning what is false. That in turn makes us as guilty as the lie that's being told or perpetuated. Whether a fan or not of the person or the situation or the person in the situation, what's right is right, and what's true is true. There are times when we must be objective. We cannot stand on the sidelines and allow patently false stories and acts to be told and accepted when we know the truth in the matter. We must speak up and speak out even if we'll have to face jeers for doing so. We know that everything that's popular isn't right.
     Never allow a group mentality to dictate what you alone know is prudent. Never allow fear to make you back down from shouting out the facts. After all, if you were being maligned by an enemy in a story being circulated about you, wouldn't you want those who knew the truth to come forward on your behalf? Their silence supports a lie. Therefore, always work to protect your credibility. Do the right thing. Speak up and be fair.

What It Means to Speak Truth to Power

2019-01-07T11:07:00.001-05:00

     "Speaking truth to power" has become a common phrase to use when speaking about truth and/or power in a discussion that encourages courageous discourse on controversial matters. It is an old phrase coined back in the 1950s by the Quakers and is defined as "a non-violent political tactic, employed by dissidents against the received wisdom or propaganda of governments they regard as oppressive, authoritarian or an ideocracy." (Wikipedia)
     I've heard it overused in a lot of ways and not with a clear purpose in its meaning within the context of what was being spoken. We latch onto certain words and phrases as language goes in and out of style on almost a monthly basis. In this current generation, there seems to be a new word or phrase created daily and then abandoned when they become overused like worn out sneakers from last year's fall collection. But words have staying power even if you get tired of hearing them. They last even longer if they mean something significant.
     Speaking truth to power means different things to different people. Feel free to share what it means to you in the comments section below. But remember this when you say it: truth trumps power any day. I would rather trust a man who has little or no power, than to distrust a man who is in power.
    We've come to learn through too many awful experiences that speaking truth to the powerful can be costly. Holding powerful, influential people accountable by calling them out on matters that they can impact is tricky. Showing them their culpability in matters that are unfair, unjust, and immoral have gotten people fired, blackballed, and even killed. That's why a big dose of courage is required. To go against the grain, to be vocal when it is unpopular and to be willing to suffer the consequences takes a gut of steel. For the brave people who do it every day, know this: Regardless of what you lose, if you choose to stand on what is true and right and just, you have just asserted the power you possess. Thus, if truth supersedes power when one must be considered above the other, then when all things are equal, truth is power.

How to Craft a Good Story to Tell Yourself When Times Get Tough

2018-07-06T13:12:00.000-04:00

The world and its pressures can get to be too much for every one of us at times. Regardless of how we try to stay positive, there are issues that will cloud our thinking and our mood at some point. The mind triggers psychological, physical, and emotional pain. The power of the mind is often underestimated, and because we don't always know how to control it, we lose the battle to stay up. But there are ways. Rather than bemoan our issues, we can and should encourage ourselves. We can't depend on anybody else to do it because everyone is dogged by their own individual challenges. People don't generally have a lot of reserved energy to give to someone else so how do we do it for ourselves? It starts with the stories we create and tell in our own hearing. We're really good at telling the horror stories, but what about the stories of triumph? Since you create them, they can be whatever you want.

Like any great storyteller, the elements should have a beginning, middle, and end. It can have a villain if necessary, but it must have a hero. That hero should be you. Here's how to craft a good story that reduces stress and induces excitement and expectation.

1) Start the story where you are. Of course, it's going to be bad. That's why you need the lift. What's the situation? For example, your boss just denied you the promotion she practically promised you when the job was posted six weeks ago. You certainly needed the money (which you'd already spent in your head), but more importantly, this was a move up the career ladder you had planned for years. Now your hopes are dashed, and you're sure this was your only chance to make it to the next level. With this boss, you doubt you'll ever be able to get beyond this point. At least that's the story right now. But wait. There's more.

2) Write the upside/downside of the story. Yes, the downside too. Positive thinkers tend to focus too narrowly on the positives and avoid the negatives like they're poison. Not addressing what's wrong doesn't make the wrong go away. Thinking candidly about what the situation is helps you to forge better options for yourself that could give you hope and lead you out of your circumstance. In those times when you cannot change the situation because it's out of your control, your perspective is the only thing that can help you cope. Acting like the pain or dangers aren't there is unrealistic. Deal with them by acknowledging them. The key is to resist staying with them too long. Doing so increases anxiety which is guaranteed to rob you of your joy and contentment.

Get through the hardships by pushing past them to the upside. Lay out in detail what's on the other side that's good. Haven't you gone over in your head a million times in detail what's bad? Move through it. List the advantages that might otherwise go unnoticed. See the benefits in losing or not getting or falling short. In the example, maybe the upside of not getting the promotion is that you're limiting yourself by taking the first incremental step to where you want to be. Getting this promotion could slow down your trajectory to the spot above this one. Honing your skills to hit the second tier is where you should really be focusing your energies. You've been aiming too low. All you need to figure out is who can sponsor you on your road to higher. What steps do you need to take to assert your knowledge and skills to the people that matter? What additional training, if any, do you need? Who do you need to know? Who needs to know you? Now a plan is evolving. You're starting to get excited!

3) Write the happy ending. See yourself triumphing over your situation. Envision your healing if you're suffering from a devastating diagnosis. Imagine the peace you'll experience after ending a bad relationship. Sense the relief you'll feel when you're debt free. Feel the pride that will come when you finally achieve that promotion after your hard work. Whatever it is, craft it all in your mind with visuals and sound and emotions. Like any good story, it should be captivating.

The stories we tell ourselves should be complete in order to feel hopeful. It's not enough to say affirmations that just make you feel good or to think positive thoughts in words and phrases. You must tell the whole story from start to finish--tragedy and triumph. A winning story beyond the loss. A joyful story beyond the tears. An exciting story beyond the disappointment. A calming story beyond the anxiety. And like any good story that makes us feel good in the end, we can tell ourselves that story over and over again. So what story should you be crafting for yourself?

The Power of Silence in a World of Distractions

2018-06-24T11:07:00.000-04:00

For years, I’ve encouraged people to speak up and speak out regarding matters important to them. I’m a big proponent of talking through problems, resolving conflicts through meaningful dialogue, and speaking frankly to bring people to greater self-awareness. But with all this talk about, well, talk, there are also important times when silence is essential.

In communications, silence is as important as trying to find the right words to gain buy-in or being cognizant of our body language and even listening attentively. There are times when choosing to save our words for ourselves is far more effective for our growth than saying what we feel. Self-talk—though largely practiced negatively by most of us (think: “I can’t do this” or “He must be out of his mind”)—can be self-motivating when done correctly. Thinking deeply about an issue and walking through all sides of it in an internal dialog can address those areas that one might feel uncomfortable sharing out loud with someone else. Provided you’re willing to be honest with yourself, these conversations can be life-changing.

Silence creates the space for focused problem-solving, goal-setting, and soul-searching. Too often, we act uncomfortable with silence. We tend to fill up those spaces with chatter that might otherwise be meaningless. Why? Is it that we don’t want to deal with the answers that we’ll have to face when the truth emerges? Are we shutting out those issues that keep cropping up but that we don’t want to address? Silence forces us to come face-to-face with hard truths, with reality.

Silence also helps us to sort through complex problems. It helps us to arrive at important answers. It helps us to create plans for our futures. It helps us to find calm and peace when life gets too hectic. Silence is not a way to avoid conflict. It’s not about giving the cold shoulder or being quiet because we don’t have anything kind to say. Silence is a powerful tool to get in touch with ourselves, to rise above distractions, and to find answers to questions we might not otherwise have thought to ask. So do this: Challenge yourself. Carve out a few minutes every day for a week to be silent. Listen openly and intently for the answers that lie within. Ask the hard questions. Then plan to act on what you hear. No matter how hard, if it’s the right thing for you, take the plunge. Face the truth and take the steps to make a difference in your own life. Here’s wishing you the best in silence and self-discovery.

He Said, She Said

2018-02-09T10:47:00.000-05:00

     It seems like everywhere we turn today in the news, there are accusations being made between men and women. Those accusations are of a serious nature and are costing people on both sides in life-altering ways. Sexual misconduct and abuse, physical abuse, and gender bias are among the many claims being made mostly by women against men. These men are usually in positions of power. Therefore, they are in a prime position to commit the crimes and bad behavior they are accused of without a lot of resistance initially from their victims.
     But something has happened lately. What was once too shameful to speak about out loud is now front and center for all the world to see. What was perpetrated behind closed doors has now been shoved out in the open by a chorus of voices saying it happened to #MeToo. One of the difficult angles in these revelations is how the rest of us receives these stories. Many people without hesitation take sides with the women who are accusing the men. Those men are immediately dumped from their perch and have lost not only high-paying jobs and careers but also their shiny reputations (some were not so shiny in the first place), their place in the industry and community, their marriages and families, and the hope for their futures. With many of these men, their behavior was exacted on multiple women so it's not a huge leap to believe that the accused is a predator.
     But in other and fewer instances, the story involves a single incident with a high-profile person who says he remembers the events differently. He had no idea (he says) that his actions were interpreted by the woman in such a distasteful way. He's surprised and embarrassed by the accusation. We listen for the details, and we want to side with the accuser. We don't want women to stay silent as they have for so long, enduring all types of abuse by men for centuries, and denied the support they needed from others to believe them and help them. So we are careful not to blame the victim or accuse the accuser. Therefore, we become stuck with the dilemma of whether we should believe the man or not when he decries the account as a misunderstanding. Actions like words are left up to others' interpretations. When five, fifty or a hundred women come forth and accuse a man of a common vile behavior, it is easier to conclude that the guy did it. Even without solid evidence, where there's smoke, right? But when it's one-on-one, he-said-she-said, then things get a bit trickier.
     Was the sex really consensual like he thought or was she disgusted by the act and only went along because he was powerful, and she was too afraid to speak up? Was his touching her body in places they laughed about really funny to her or was she screaming inside for him to stop? Is his continuous asking her out at work even after she said no his way of being persistent or is it harassment?
     Sexual abuse, rape, force, touching, groping, impeding on anyone's personal space and making them uncomfortable cannot be misinterpreted. They can be ignored by the offender but not misinterpreted. Some things are very clear. But the gray areas of "I thought it was okay because you didn't tell me it wasn't" makes it harder to determine how to hold people accountable for their actions. Clarity in our communications and firmness in our rejections have to be conveyed without room for misunderstanding. It sounds like this on the job:
     "I told you that I don't want to date you, and if you persist in asking, I'll be forced to report you to HR."
     "You do not have the right to touch me that way without my permission. Don't ever do that again. If you do, I'll be forced to file a complaint against you."
     "I find your words in poor taste and offensive. Don't speak to me or around me that way. If you continue, I'll have to bring management into this."
     Notice that the verbiage is sharp, serious, and unwavering. You can tell that this is no joking matter. Her body language is likely stiff and her stance bold. She has also issued consequences once the bad behavior is called out.
     When commands are given clearly and bad behavior is threatened, then there should be no doubt when a line has been crossed. Speaking out against bullies, sexual predators, and arrogant power players can help eliminate the "he-said-she-said" tug-of-war. When you're clear, confident, and commanding, the perpetrator can't say he didn't know. Remove the excuse for him, and regain the power for you.

Taming the Tongue

2018-02-01T11:40:00.000-05:00

I was studying the Bible today because part of my life is spent as a Bible student and Sunday School teacher. I enjoy reading it because of the many life lessons it holds. Today's scripture has everything to do with communications. And since this is a communications blog, I will refer to the verses I read in it just like I would in any book where I find something worth repeating. In the book of James, chapter three, James is talking about talking--specifically cursing, lying, gossiping, boasting, and a bunch of other things we say that we shouldn't. These behaviors are born out of one small part of our bodies that we all lose control of along with our brains at varying points in our lives. But when we lose control, we amass large amounts of grief for ourselves and others.

     Beginning at verse three, he describes this failure of ours. "When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell...but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison." That's from the New International Version. But here's how The Message Bible puts it starting with verse five:
     "A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything--or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue--it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. With our tongues we bless God our Father; with the same tongues we curse the very men and women He made in His image. Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can't go on."
     Wow, James. That's harsh. But all of us can agree, it is largely true. We wield words like weapons to destroy others. We use them as fragile posts to lift ourselves up because sometimes we boast of ourselves to hide our insecurities. Whatever the reasoning, we often misuse words and don't give enough credit to their power. If we were more thoughtful of our words, we'd place them with care in the spirits of others--to offer correction, encouragement, counsel, and truth. Supported with the steel beams of respect, words can empower others and build strong relationships. Try to use your words today to unite rather than divide, to support rather than destroy, and to love rather than hate. Then note the response. Greater still, note the feeling you get from the response you get. It's addicting.

What Your Face is Saying About Your Attitude

2018-01-22T11:30:00.000-05:00

I once coached a front office person on the importance of customer service excellence. She was the greeter of new and established clients when they walked through the front door. Bottom line, she was not suited for that portion of the job. Though she was organized, diligent, detail-oriented, and punctual, she lacked skills on the people side of her job. She struggled with making clients feel warm and welcome in the business. Her phone skills were also lacking because the tone of her voice, though calm, was not pleasant. I talked to her about the simple act of smiling. Of course it shows up on the face, but it's also heard in the voice. With a blank look and absolutely no inflection in her voice, she said, "But I am smiling." Insert emoji with the surprised look here.

I thought she was joking at first, but she was serious--about smiling. One of her greatest challenges was that of so many of us--a lack of self-awareness. She had no idea what she looked like to other people. She was a kind lady with a sincere desire to do her job well. She simply had no clue about how her face reflected what people believed about her attitude.
Whether an accurate assessment of our intentions and the great person we believe we are, what we present to the people who encounter us starts with what they see. Keeping in mind that until you open your mouth to correct any misperceptions, every one of us is judged immediately upon meeting someone. Your body language, your facial expressions--they both give an impression of who you are in that moment. That might not be who you are at all, but depending on what was happening in your life at the time, you'll be judged on how you present yourself. That's why the old saying "first impressions are lasting impressions" is both important and true. People will generally remember how they met you, especially if it was a great experience or an awful one.

You would think putting on a welcoming expression would be an easy thing for most people. Some seem to wear a perpetual smile on their faces giving a sense that they are always content. But those who struggle in this area (mostly pessimists) will usually doubt a person's sincerity and judge them as phony. They don't believe people are that happy all the time. Getting stoic, serious, bland people to put on this important "attitude accessory" is difficult. It seems disingenuous. They don't smile just to be kind. There has to be a reason.

But remember this: Smiling isn't always for you. It's better used when given to someone else. Helping people not to judge you unfairly because you have a dead or sour look is only half the reason. Giving pleasant "face" is like giving a compliment to someone. It makes them feel good. In customer service, this is essential. And not just smiling, but any other look of being approachable, helpful, interested, thoughtful, concerned, and engaged. Our face and body language speak volumes. What is yours saying?

DO THIS: Would love to see your best face. Upload a selfie or photo of you on the Sharper Development Solutions Facebook page at www.facebook.com/SharperDevelopment in the comments section of this post. Go ahead...give us good face.

WARNING: Emotional Intelligence Not in Use

2018-01-15T10:12:00.000-05:00

This past week we've heard revelations of some pretty harsh language being used in reference to people of other countries not being allowed into this country. That language apparently came from the top leader of the most powerful country in the world. Whether true or not is unclear. Some in the meeting where it allegedly occurred say they heard the comments clearly. Others say they don't recall hearing them. Some refused to comment. And the accused--the President of the United States--denies it. Regardless, people were hurt when the claims were made. People from those countries were distressed upon hearing them, some even brought to tears. The rejection and denigration cut like a hacksaw. Many from our own country were appalled and angry.

Recognizing how words impact others calls for the use of emotional intelligence. This means being smart and intuitive about other people's feelings, especially in sensitive matters. We do this by getting outside of ourselves and considering how the words we choose will affect how other people feel. Whether directed toward someone in particular or in earshot of others, how and what is said can sting or uplift. As a simple yet largely unpracticed truth, choosing words that uplift will get you farther than those that don't. Of course you can't always choose the best words. But checking in with ourselves when it comes to highly emotional matters can help us avoid using words that bite. Ask: Will these comments alienate or malign people? Can they be perceived as racist or prejudicial? Can these words be divisive in their interpretation? When other people have said similar things, what was the reaction?

   We don't always stop to think about how the words in our heads will sound when they come out of our mouths and enter the ears and minds of other people. There's so much that happens in that split second; so much that can go wrong. Therefore, we shouldn't take what we choose to say lightly. Since our words are generally left up to other people's interpretation, we have to be intentional about minimizing those that can be misunderstood. Sounds like too much preparation? A little unrealistic when you can't determine how people are going to hear you? I admit, it takes some thought. But the headache and heartache it saves on the back end is certainly worth doing a little bit of work on the front end. If other people are going to feel pain from your words, then taking a bit of time before you use them isn't unrealistic.
   Case in point: if the President indeed trashed nations of people using expletives as well as racist overtones to degrade them, and he did it in a room full of other people, he should have first considered how those people would feel about his choice of words. Too often people think that if the words are okay with them, then they will be okay with others. Emotional intelligence makes us more aware of the detriment wielding words carelessly can cause. Emotional intelligence doesn't ask us to ignore our own feelings, but not to ignore the feelings of others. Feelings matter. So do words. Practicing emotional intelligence is an essential leadership skill. Those who don't use it are destined to bring a lot of heartache not only to others, but to themselves as well.
   If you need help learning emotional intelligence, we can help. Contact us at www.thesharpersolution.com to learn more.

Words That Heal (Especially After That Big Loss Last Night)

2018-01-09T15:17:00.001-05:00

If you stayed up late last night to experience the end of the big College National Championship game, you saw a nail biter and a fantastic finish. For those of us who didn't have a team in the fight, it was pure entertainment. But for the Georgia students who fought in that battle and lost, it was a bitter pill to swallow. They likely woke up this morning feeling like they were having a hangover.

Any sports fanatic will tell you that a loss to the team is also a loss for them personally. They feel similar (not necessarily the same) pain as the players even though they haven't stepped a foot out, in or on the field, court, track or pool. It stings pretty badly. Even though Alabama won this time, they know all too well what it feels like since they experienced the same defeat last year against Clemson.

So how do you get past the pain? What can you say to assuage those melancholy feelings that stick around for the next few days and even months? These questions can be posed about any situation where loss has occurred--not just sports. Whether it's the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship, the delivery of some type of bad news, those emotional lows make it hard to face the next day effectively. Regardless of the type of loss, try these three things:

Acknowledge the pain with the individual. In other words, be empathetic. You can say something like, "I know you're struggling right now because no matter how you look at it, losing sucks!" I think Cam Newton said it best when he said, "Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."
Be sympathetic. Though you may not have caused the loss the person is experiencing, let them know you're sorry for what they're going through. And say just that, "I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I wish I could do more to help."
Give them a big hug (with their permission, of course). Experiencing a loss produces a feeling of loneliness even if there are a million people around. Because people experience loss differently, some people may feel like no one understands how deeply they are affected. When words fail us or even if you were able to express both empathy and sympathy, our nonverbal language also makes the difference. Letting a person know you fully support them through this trial can be comforting. The biggest comfort is encircling that person in your arms and saying, "I got you."

We got you Bulldogs!

Greetings! A Simple Act of Respect

2017-11-16T11:03:00.000-05:00

Maybe you're not a morning person. Maybe you're deep in thought about what's ahead and not attuned to your surroundings. Maybe it wasn't something that was important to do around your house when you were growing up. But greeting people when you first see them each day is a show of respect. It says to an individual that you "see" them--meaning you acknowledge their presence, that they exist, and that they are important enough to address.

     This issue comes up regularly when I am conducting internal customer service and self-awareness training sessions. For many, saying hello to a colleague first thing in the morning isn't a big thing. But for others, it's everything. Those who believe it matters are usually offended by the dismissive response they get from a coworker who walks through the office and passes their office or desk and never looks in their direction. They are particularly irritated when they offer a greeting first and the other person doesn't respond. They feel overlooked, minimized, neglected. It's very much psychological. It's about how we think others see us. And if we think they see us as insignificant, we feel disrespected. Especially if we have a high degree of respect for ourselves.
     For those who don't care whether they get a greeting or not, they think the other side is making much ado about nothing. They weren't raised to walk into a room and say "good morning" or "good afternoon" so it doesn't mean as much to them. They tell me that they aren't trying to be disrespectful and don't see the lack of the gesture as being rude. It's not personal with them. They will make the effort when it's brought to their attention, but in the grand scheme of their day, saying hello when they walk through the door isn't a priority. Getting coffee is!
     In an office setting, however, the act of not "speaking" to a person when they are first encountered can damage professional relationships. Coworkers want to feel that they matter. To be disregarded in something as simple as a greeting indicates to the person being ignored that their existence is unimportant--so unimportant that they don't deserve the smallest of acknowledgements. In the south where good manners determine how you were raised, the negligence of a greeting carries even greater weight and may even call into question the quality of your upbringing.
     When I've seen heated exchanges among team members at work about this topic, I've often found that the behavior is split down cultural and regional lines. It's not just how a person was raised but also where they were raised that distinguishes the opposing views. According to the participants, greetings are usually a behavior that starts from early rearing. It becomes a requirement (or not) in the home, so by the time a person reaches adulthood, it is a common practice. For those who don't follow this practice, they say it wasn't something emphasized in their home. For those who do follow the practice, it is a hard habit to break. Not that they want to. They believe acknowledging others is polite, shows kindness, and warms up interactions as much as a smile does.
     As a matter of resolution, I usually advise those who don't regularly offer greetings (especially managers and supervisors) to weigh the importance of doing it versus not doing it. It only takes two seconds or less--literally. Good morning. Good afternoon. Hello. A nod of the head and a smile. If it matters to the other side but not to you, then what is it costing you? Put the needs of your coworkers first. Do what builds better relationships. The antithesis, however, does bring a cost and it looks like this: an undercurrent of resentment between managers and direct reports, a wedge between coworkers because the greeting that could conjoin them doesn't exist, and a loss of respect for the offending party. Remember, respect is earned, not always automatically given. But automatically giving a greeting can certainly earn respect. Try it.

10 Reasons Why Morale May Be Low in Your Office

2017-10-13T11:26:00.001-04:00

For companies that pay attention to it, the condition of morale is an essential part of determining if the company’s environment is healthy and poised for growth. When morale is high, people are ready to come to work and be productive. Alternatively, when morale is low, people (mostly) come in, and they perform the minimum until they can escape at the end of the day.

In a low morale environment, it’s easy to find a lethargic, stagnant staff largely going through the motions but not inspired to color outside the lines. The resentment felt throughout the office is as heavy as a winter coat weighed down by a cold, rainy day. So why do these dismal, drab feelings occur? What is causing morale to suffer near the bottom of the pile of office ailments?

No doubt there are a plethora of reasons, but we’ll try to narrow them down to the top ten. See if you recognize any of the ten in your work environment:

1. An overbearing boss. A boss who controls, commands, and micromanages is probably the most common reason employees start losing zeal for their jobs. Bosses who fit this bill need to lighten up. Motivate. Don’t dominate.

2. A boss who does not listen to input from others. Many employees want to be able to tell the boss when they feel something isn’t working. Too often, if bosses are married to a process they created, they aren’t likely to entertain feedback from someone they feel is shooting down their idea. Rejected often enough, employees won’t feel like their opinions matter so they stop contributing, and some grow resentful.

3. A boss who stifles creativity. For those employees whose bright minds are constantly clicking through possibilities for improvements or something new, they thrive on testing out some of those possibilities. But when a boss regularly dismisses their ideas, their vibrancy dims, and they look for another environment where they can shine.

4. Employees who don’t feel valued because they receive little recognition. Almost everyone wants to be appreciated for the hard work they do. But many times they are overlooked—inadvertently and intentionally. Great bosses actively seek opportunities to praise their employees.

5. Trust is missing and little effort is made to find it. When trust is M.I.A., the environment can easily slip into hostility. Ignoring that it is a problem is like feeding oxygen to a raging inferno. Eventually everyone gets burned.

Want more? Sign up for our monthly newsletter at www.thesharpersolution.com/enewsletter.htm. The entire article will be sent to you. Also, leave us reasons you've experienced low morale in your workplace.

If you want us to help with ways to improve morale, contact us at Sharper Development Solutions, Inc. by clicking here: http://thesharpersolution.com/contact_us.htm.

How to Listen Without Judgment

2017-03-14T10:05:00.001-04:00

   Choosing to listen while in a conversation is not a passive effort. Making the choice is an action that is thoughtful and vital to the life of that communication. To listen well requires concentration. It requires tuning in and removing distractions that compete for the listener's attention. As much as we know this, it is difficult to do. Many of the distractions that cause us to tune in and out several times in a given conversation come from within our own minds. We have this constant murmur of chatter going on underneath the discussion in which we're engaged. While someone is speaking, we're responding to their comments silently; formulating opinions in our minds that we can't wait to share. We're not totally listening; we're just waiting to reply. Even worse, in some cases, we're not even permitting the speaker to finish their thought. We interrupt with our often not-so-well-thought-out opinions.
     Of course not every conversation requires your undivided attention. But for those that do--the substantive and critical ones--tuning in matters. Sensitive topics are one of those important discussions. If two people have differing political views as we're seeing so prevalent today, then disregarding the other person's point of view as if it has no merit is not respectful. Pushing hard to get other people to accept your argument is how confrontations occur. But listening with curiosity and not necessarily with judgment lends itself to better outcomes.
     A healthy debate is always more acceptable than insolence and stubbornness. More ideas can be shared; better discussions can be had. When we sit in judgment of the other person, we've essentially shut down openness of thought and receptivity to differing opinions. We've essentially shut down the conversation.
   Moreover, some people share out of a need to vent, confess or ask for help. They may be wrong in some way, but more importantly, they may be remorseful. Listening without voicing judgment even though you may be feeling judgmental can help them work out their faults. They may be willing to hold themselves accountable and express their regrets. Sometimes the communication is all about the listening part. It requires no verbal input from you.
     So how do we listen without judgment? Here are three simple things to consider.
     1) Shut off the subconscious chatter and be intentional about listening.
     2) Be open-minded and listen to understand the other side. This does not mean you have to agree.
     3) Even if you decide you don't agree with the other view, at least accept that they have the right to have an opinion. Believe in their right to disagree with you.
4) Practice listening without offering a lot of verbal input. And even when you do speak, say something neutral if the other person "gets it". Say, "It looks like you realize your mistake. So how do you avoid making it again?" Let them arrive at their own discoveries. This is much more valuable than a tongue-lashing from you.
   But if you feel you can't accomplish any of these, do this to be sure--just keep your mouth shut. Regardless of the judgments floating around in your head, remember that everything doesn't have to come spewing out of your mouth.

Why Controversial Discussions on Social Media Don't Work

2017-03-01T14:43:00.000-05:00

     We've all seen heated discussions on social media regarding everything from political views to personal attacks when someone feels they've been wronged. Notwithstanding the trolls whose main intent is to get a rise out of people by spewing hate, we should keep in mind that the idea behind social media is to be just that--social. Anything outside of that is antisocial. Here's why:
     First, social media is about connecting to other people. It's about building and strengthening relationships through shared opinions, interests, and friendships. Even when "friends" don't share the same views, this medium is not designed to drive a wedge between them. When you see this occurring, don't participate. You're misusing the medium. Healthy debate where no one gets "unfriended" is fine. Arguing is not. Be considerate though, and try not to post anything that would offend others.
     Second, social media is not a place to have a lengthy discussion about a controversial topic or when your feelings have been hurt. It's not a place to write announcements about how you've been mistreated. It's also not a place to stalk, trash, threaten, and embarrass another person. Since most of the posts on social media are written, a meaningful conversation can get lost in the back and forth. As one person writes their opinion, then they have to wait until the other person(s) responds. That could be right away or hours and even days later. The delay takes away from the momentum of a worthy dialogue. Social media and written comments should never replace face-to-face interaction when it's needed.
     And third, too many other people can get involved in your conversation. If it's a personal matter between two people but it's out there for the whole world to see, then opportunists and opinionated folks can intrude on the conversation and make matters worse. (Some people thrive on mess!)
     Social media is all communications. Whether written or spoken in a video, you are inviting people to connect with you. Do so with grace, self-control, and respect. Only then can you get the full benefits of the "social" in social media.

Unwholesome Talk

2017-01-26T15:07:00.003-05:00

Christians who read their Bibles know that foul language, filthy talk, and all manner of negative statements that tear down another person are frowned upon as indicated in the Scriptures. In fact, in the book of Ephesians, the limits are clearly stated by the apostle Paul regarding what should and should not be said.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen...Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (4:29, 31)

Whether you're Christian or not, using profanity (especially excessively) is both unprofessional in the workplace and possibly offensive in social settings. Because people won't always tell you directly that they're bothered by coarse language, you may think it is acceptable to proceed with profanity-laced comments in your conversations with them. Consider, however, that though they may be smiling or expressionless on the outside, they may be cringing on the inside. As with most people, those who don't curse tend to associate with people like them. Therefore, if that's not the environment they're used to, they may find it off-putting when they do hear people spew our foul and/or filthy language in their presence. We should be cognizant of the people with whom we interact. Just because certain behavior is acceptable to us doesn't mean it's an automatic okay for others.

Another aspect of the language addressed in these Scriptures is negative talk--gossip, backbiting, arguing, and accusations. Even if you don't let an F-bomb drop in your confrontations, it is still unacceptable to rage against another individual when disagreements occur. Since we know that conflict in inevitable in life, we need to better prepare ourselves for when it occurs. There's no escaping it so we need to be ready.

Anger that is allowed to fester because solutions have not been sought or implemented can turn into bitterness over time. I have seen bitter people sabotage work on the job, back stab friends, and make malicious attempts to discredit people they've determined are their enemies. Bitterness can be vengeful. You can hear it in the hard line people take when faced with the situation that angers them. Words like, "I don't care. I hope he fails." Or "She got what was coming. I'm glad I could witness it." These are as hurtful as any curse words.

In the Scriptures, we are encouraged to look for ways to resolve our issues and address matters with a more conciliatory heart. We all need forgiveness. There isn't a solitary soul that doesn't. Unfortunately, we don't give it as readily as we should, neither do we ask for it as often as we should. Gentleness and kindness have retreated from the hearts of many, and we seem to be more prepared to fight than to try peace. Where is empathy and compassion? They are not far away; just buried beneath resentment and pain. We need to be more intentional about putting them at the forefront of our interactions.

Words matter. Make sure those you choose to use daily are wholesome and encouraging.

Speaking Up: A Lesson From "Hidden Figures"

2017-01-17T14:10:00.000-05:00

     When I saw the movie "Hidden Figures", my first thought was that every student should go see it for all of its inspiring lessons in math, science, and history. But there was another inspiring lesson that should not be missed and could make all the difference in an individual's success--effective and powerful communications. Throughout the movie we see women of color speaking up when it counted. Asking for promotions, stepping in for one another when they felt wronged, and demanding to be "in the room" so they could perform their jobs accurately. Though the movie highlights the phenomenal math skills of three black women who made a significant contribution to our nation's history at a time of heightened racism and sexism, language and communications were also pertinent skills they mastered. Communications is an essential skill for success today as well. Beyond science, numbers, calculations, and historical context, the women speak up and out when it is critical to do so. Students could benefit from seeing this kind of confidence displayed in the face of adversity and unfairness. Women who struggle with the boldness to ask for what they want could benefit from this inspiring story too.
     Speaking up can be difficult to do in a situation where the political landscape can cost an employee her job. I have been in far too many environments where employees were afraid to speak the truth for fear of retaliation. Unfortunately, it is all too common to find this fear in a culture where trust is nonexistent. Employees clam up when they should be speaking up. In these instances, management doesn't care what their employees think so they don't ask. And because they're not asked, the employee must take the initiative to address matters that would otherwise go unattended. But first, they must summon the courage to say what's on their minds regardless of the repercussions, and that is a difficult thing to do for many. Mostly because the backlash is too high a price to pay for uncertain results. As a consequence, employees suffer in silence until they retire or get another job that empowers them and respects their opinions or until they quit abruptly because they just can't take it anymore.
     The barrier is not always the hard-nosed boss with control issues that stifles open communications. It is also the friendly boss who the employees like. Because the employees have developed a supportive relationship with the boss, they may be reluctant to be open and honest for fear of damaging a relationship they value. As an example, the boss might be a non-confrontational person who avoids conflict as much as possible. There are times when she should step up and handle a matter that is causing issues for her staff. Perhaps it's another department that refuses to share pertinent information with her department, and it causes delays and errors when collaborating on projects. Instead of the boss addressing the matter with the other department's boss, she doesn't want to rock the boat so she tells her team to work around the issue. They don't feel they should yield to uncooperative cohorts and want her to say so. But because she may become resentful or resistant to being pushed into a zone where she is uncomfortable, employees refrain from suggesting she take charge more.
     Speaking up is essential for progress, personal growth, and higher productivity. Failing to do so when it matters is costly in all those areas. It shows a lack of confidence by an individual in their ability to lead, and it weakens that individual's position in the eyes of his or her team. But assertiveness can be learned. Need help speaking up? We'll show you how. Contact us at betty@thesharpersolution.com or call (803) 622-4511.

BLIND SPOT: When Your Conversation Is Negative

2017-01-09T21:31:00.000-05:00

     Jasmine sat at the restaurant table anxiously awaiting her blind date. She had been set up by her cousin Ava with Ava's coworker Jason. Ava had described him as a guy who was smart, hard-working, and fun. Jasmine had grown weary of the dating scene since most of the guys she'd gone out with lately were shallow and boring. She was looking for a fresh approach and interesting conversation.
     Jason walked up to her table and introduced himself with a smile. She immediately felt his warmth and thought this one might actually go better than all the rest. The conversation started easily enough, but Ava felt a shift in the energy between them after about 15 minutes. She couldn't figure it out, but she felt Jason cool down a bit. Eventually the conversation became stilted, and Jason seemed disengaged. Finally he asked her a tough question.
     "Do you like yourself?" Jasmine was stunned.
     "What do you mean?" she asked.
     "Well, you've been very negative about who you are so I can't help but wonder if you like yourself."
     Jasmine was taken aback and did a quick inventory of what she'd said up to that point. She didn't need to think too hard because Jason ran it down for her.
     "I complimented you on your dress, and you said it was old instead of saying 'thank you'. I told you that I'd heard you were a bright lawyer, and you said you hated your job. I told you that I heard you had a great sense of humor, and you told me you can be difficult to deal with at times. So far, all I've heard are negatives from you when I had such high expectations before talking to you."
     Jasmine was immediately embarrassed by what he'd said. He was right. She'd said all of those negative things about herself. Worse, she was turning her new date off. She wondered how many of her previous dates soured not because of the guys, but because of her. She'd hardly noticed how negative she was being. It was a blind spot for her.

   Likely you've experienced a scenario like this. We've all been around that person who enters a conversation that is meaningful and light and turns it into a dark and difficult exchange. They suck all the life out of the room, and people start looking uncomfortable and fidgety the more the person speaks. Soon folks start finding excuses for why they have to leave. After all, who wants to be around an energy drain like that?
   If you've ever been told you can be negative at times, consider your usual language. How often are you diminishing a compliment or being self-deprecating in an effort to appear humble? Maybe you're upset about the way things are going at work, and you talk about it a lot. Do you come across as a whiner? Since this behavior may be a blind spot for you, ask someone who won't hedge in giving you tough feedback. Ask them if you present negatively in most of your comments. If you discover that you do, then it's time for accountability.
      Now that you know, what will you do to change the habit? It's as simple as replacing the degrading attitude, the negative thinking, and the complaining conversation with a brighter outlook. It's about tuning in to the sound of your own voice, and paying close attention to your thoughts. When your thoughts wander into that old territory of dissatisfaction, then S.H.I.F.T.--Speak Hope Instead of Failing Talk. SHIFT your thinking and your language. It takes skill and patience with yourself, but it can be done.
     If you need help in how to SHIFT your attitude, call us at (803) 622-4511 or drop us a line at betty@thesharpersolution.com. We can help.

When You're Not Just Talking Too Much But You're Saying Too Much

2017-01-04T23:38:00.003-05:00

     Remember when we used to say "TMI" to indicate when a person was providing "Too Much Information"? This information isn't data that bores people to sleep. This was personal information that was too intimate to share out loud with other people. We all know someone who talks too much, but sometimes there are people who say too much. Within minutes of sparking a conversation, they've revealed some private tidbit that is best kept to themselves. It becomes awkward for the listener, especially if that listener is you.
     Situations like this become most challenging at work. Imagine sitting in front of an important client with a coworker who uses no filters, and he launches into some quip about his girlfriend and his wife's complaints about him. He thinks he's being funny, but the client offers only a wry smile and a "what's-up-with-this-guy" look. You are immediately embarrassed for him, and you are frantically searching for a way to shift from his awkward statements and back to the business at hand.
     We've all been there. Some of you may be bold enough to say, "Hey, that was weird. Can you not do that again?" Or "You're oversharing again. Can you put up the filters? You made the customer squirm." But others of you are too polite to say anything, and you struggle with how to handle the situation. Maybe you're the person who overshares, and you've heard these complaints at times in your life. What has to happen to avoid this situation playing itself out over and over again?
     There are at least two things you can do.
     1) Tell the person. Don't do it out of frustration because you've had enough. But go to him or her calmly and explain that sometimes they share too many intimate details that are best left outside of the workplace. Establish boundaries for them by giving examples of when their sharing has shifted the momentum in a meeting or detracted from the importance of a topic.
     2) Recommend coaching so a professional can help the individual work on this habit that can be annoying and even costly at work. Customers may feel overwhelmed by this behavior and choose not to work with your company because of it.
     Being talkative is a challenge in itself. Add a person who says inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and the conversation takes a dive in quality. If you need a coach to help you with oversharing, contact us at www.thesharpersolution.com. We can help.

The Language of Inclusion

2016-05-17T09:51:00.000-04:00

Greta took a 360-degree survey at the suggestion of her boss. In an effort to get her to see herself through the eyes of others, she needed to know how she was performing as a leader. The survey would allow her to compare how she saw herself to how her boss, peers, direct reports, and "others" saw her. Greta rated herself as open and inclusive. She felt like she invited people's input and was sociable and encouraged dialogue. But when she looked at the feedback from her raters, she was shocked by what she saw.

Her direct reports saw her as anything but inclusive. They rated her low in areas like "being open to input, showing diplomacy" and "creating a positive environment". Greta thought she was doing a great job in making her team feel like she valued them and their opinions. She had no idea other people didn't see her the same way. She wanted to talk to her team and find out why this was the first indication she was receiving of how they saw her. Why hadn't they told her before? she wondered. She later found out from her boss that it was because of the following reasons:

1) She had created mistrust because of a lack of inclusiveness. When employees don't feel comfortable being up front and honest about matters important to them at work, it's because the leadership has discouraged them from speaking up. Greta did not realize that every time she shot down someone's idea in a staff meeting or used demeaning and condescending words when talking to an employee, she slowly destroyed her staff's confidence in her ability to remain open and receptive to their input.

2) Greta had created animosity between herself and others because of her unfiltered communications style. She didn't seem to care that she walked on other people's feelings when she passed harsh judgments on their performances. She failed to consider how she often disrespected people by being dismissive when they brought her concerns. Or when she interrupted someone in the middle of their point and hijacked the conversation as if only what she had to say was important.

3) The team often felt she turned them inward and against each other. They noticed how she seemed to favor certain people. Usually when someone made her look good, she was more supportive of them. But if she couldn't shine through another person's work, she cast them aside like yesterday's news. They hardly received a glance from her or she was on them so hard they felt they were being singled out for no reason.

When Greta sat down for an evaluation with her boss, she felt blindsided by the details of the report. Had she paid more attention to what her staff had been trying to say--whether it was in a conversation when she cut them off, through negative body language feedback, or through their lack of open communications--she would not have been surprised. She needed to be more aware of what was going on around her. And more importantly, she needed to be more aware of her own behavior.

She could fix some of this mess with just a few small changes. A major one would be to learn the language of inclusiveness. It sounds like this:

1) Tell me what you think about this issue.

2) Why don't you decide? I trust your opinion.

3) Would you mind making the presentation? You're the expert in this.

Instituting these statements as part of her interactions with her staff would carry her a long way in building stronger relationships. She will reduce animosity, eliminate mistrust, and best of all, be more inclusive.

Need to do a 360? Ask us about 363 for Leaders.