Talking Out My Yipper

It's Harder to Remain Sober Than it is to Begin a Life of Sobriety

2025-07-30T12:19:00.002-04:00

In two days, I will be sober 5 years and 7 months. In the beginning of my sobriety, I often felt bored and had too much time on my hands. So to counteract that, I started dabbling in resin. I began a jewelry business out of necessity and I quickly started saying, "Jewelry saved me!" But as I reflect now, I know that, really, I saved myself. I was self aware enough to turn to something else while an infant in my sobriety. Oh how I just replaced one addiction for another. One of outside acceptance and praise. I would get high on the fact that I got a lot of followers. I would get drunk on the sheer number of post likes and comments. I was addicted to the amount of money I was making and addicted to the attention. I eventually was creating just for "them" - not for me nor to heal my poor, broken soul.

I mean, let's face it, alcoholics become alcoholics because something is broken. I felt extremely broken after my dad died in 2018 so I spent the next 2 years developing a salacious thirst for the beer that drowned my sorrows and quieted the deep, sad thoughts in my head. This week someone said, "Feeling your feelings is gross." LOL! So true but also it's important to feel them... all of them... the good and the bad. But am I really prepared to feel that gross? Anywho, I digress...

Now that I am further into my sobriety I am finding that the real battle has only just begun. I am no longer new to a life of sobriety. I have had the experience of replacing one addiction with another and succeeded for a time. But now, I know that I have to face things. I can't ignore or distract myself from this. This feels harder than just "not drinking." Creating a beautiful life out of the ashes of my life prior to sobriety is harder than just taking the beer away. How do I begin to do that? How do I add things to my life and not turn them into replacements for beer and thus just continuing to remain unhealed? I know this is the journey of a lifetime, never ending, but I am flying by the seat of my pants and need to know where the fucking manual is for this?

I also learned that craving sugar after giving up alcohol is a normal problem. I just thought that was unique to me and another way to highlight the fact that my self control is in the toilet. Nope. Normal. It is a total replacement for beer. I turn to sugar usually late at night. The song "Bad Habits" by Ed Sheeran comes to mind now. Lyrics like "Every time the sun goes down, I let you take control." I wonder why the night is so much harder? Is it because I am busy during the day and then by 8pm I am tired and almost just doing it unconsciously and strictly out of habit? Why though? Am I bored? Am I feeling the need for comfort? Can't I just maybe snuggle for 20 minutes with the hubby instead? Do some breathing exercises? Why is this so hard? Why can't I get it together? Is it shame? Recently I read a quote that said, "When you are ten, shame stitches itself into you like a monogram, broadcasting to the world what holds you, what rules your soul." Oy. Recently, I did an exercise where you pull up a photo of yourself as a child, before "the world got ahold of you," and you need to really look at it and tell your child-self what she needs to know. I didn't even get that far. I just looked at her and sobbed.

So, sobriety just feels harder now. I don't feel like I can't maintain sobriety but I need to heal these hurts in order to not feel tempted as much. Although, maybe that's a pipe dream? I don't know. I've never done this before. It just feels harder to add to your life than it is to take away from it.

I am currently reading Martyr! by Kaveh Akbar and the main character is sober from drugs and alcohol. Some of the wording and descriptions really, really hit close to home. "How strong his addict reflexes remained, in spite of his sobriety. In the back of your brain, your addiction is doing pushups, getting stronger, just waiting for you to slip up, an old-timer once told him." "Before addiction felt bad, it felt really, really good. Of course it did. Magic. Like you were close enough to God to bop him with an eyelash." "In Cyrus' active addiction it had taken dread and doom bringing him to his knees, or euphoric physical ecstasy elevating him half-literally out of his body - to break through his dense numb fugue. In sobriety, he still sometimes erroneously expected this of the universe - a stark shock of embodied rapture, the angel dropping from the sky to smack him with clarity's two-by-four. Cyrus was beginning to realize that the world didn't actually work this way, that sometimes epiphany was as subtle as a friend showing you something on Twitter." Too bad I deleted all my social media this week. Looks like I have to do this by myself and for myself. No outside influences. No audience. No likes. It's how I should of done this to begin with. Social media may just be the other thing I need to remain sober of. No beer, no sugar, no facebook. Maybe that will be the title of my memoir that I never publish.

Day 11 Sitting with Myself 1 of 2. Length: 1 hour

2023-06-05T09:41:00.003-04:00

I own a small, predominantly online handcrafted jewelry business. I have been in business 3 years, 5 months & 2 days - exactly the same amount of time that I've been sober because I am an alcoholic. I'd like to think my success in both of those areas are directly linked. I stay sober by making jewelry. Successfully selling jewelry keeps me from drinking. But what if sales decrease or straight up end? Would I drink again? I drop new jewelry on my website every Friday at 9am est. It is 11:30 and I have zero sales. In all the years in business, that has NEVER happened on a drop day. It's depressing. I've watched sales steadily decline over the past few months, often daydreaming about the what if's and the why's. Is it our declining economy? Is it crappy designs? It is me?

Recently it was brought to my attention that I offended and upset one of my long-time, consistently supportive customers. I noticed that she hadn't placed an order in several weeks. I was almost afraid to ask and just eventually told myself that she had a ton of earrings anyway. But eventually, I asked. I offended her because of something I said in a social media post. I said something along the lines of "buy jewelry to help me pay my bills." I mean, I do this business full time as my sole income earning endeavor. What the hell am I supposed to spend my income from jewelry sales on? I, by no means, live extravagantly. I am not over here buying yachts and Jimmy Choo shoes or Gucci bags. So how was that offensive?

I also sat here with myself consistently being brought back to something I saw on Facebook this morning. I saw a group of friends I went to high school with on vacation together on an island off the east coast of Mexico, all beach hair and sunkissed cheeks smiling while posing with tropical drinks in the ocean with toes in the sand. It bothered me. I mean yay for them but I sat here thinking how different our lives are. Last week, my husband who is literally the hardest and best working employee of a company got a letter stating that his pay is "temporarily being reduced by 15%." Sales from my jewelry is down 40%. I immediately think ' well, I must not be trying hard enough.' I start getting down on myself because we can't afford lavish trips to seaside resorts. I can't even afford to pay my bills this week (as of right now), leading me to steel from "profit" last week. This is a never ending, gut wrenching, stress inducing cycle. Robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Now, this not-making-enough is no one's fault, not even my own. I have had 25 surgeries in 20 years. That is A LOT of debt. The out of pocket deductibles. The medications. The charging bills due to time off work needed for recovery. The job losses due to my inability to perform the tasks involved. I feel like my decision to not put my kids in daycare, to stay home with them until they became school age was the only thing that I did that was sorta hurtful to our financial situation. Then again, when we crunched the numbers, I would just be working to pay for childcare with zero profit so what was the point? We've never invested, never had extra, have extremely low savings. But, we've always made ends meet, working paycheck to paycheck. Again, we don't live extravagant lives nor do we take yearly family vacations. We have good vehicles that we still owe on. We have like 15 years left to pay on our small home. I have a lot to be thankful for but also, I'm mad. I'm mad that we've gotten the short end of the medical debt stick. Almost all of our credit card debt stems from medical debt. When my husband had 3 strokes 5 years ago and was off work for 4 months, we had a lump sum payout from Aflac that got us through BUT we had medical expenses that were charged. When I had a $70,000 surgery at the University of Chicago, we charged our expenses of travel to Chicago weekly leading up to and weeks after. We were given a financial hardship status, reducing our out of pocket which was very helpful, but we were still left with a hefty bill that we had to make payments on. And those types of scenarios have been constant over the last 20 years, year in and year out. We estimated at one time that my cancer cost us over $50,000, paid over the course of years. We have played the credit card game, transferring balances to other companies with 0% interest for a period of time then scrambling to transfer again when the 0% period of time ran out. Recently, I charged over $7,000 through a "helpful" program provided graciously by my dentist for a new pair of dentures - because I lost all my teeth before I turned 40 due to cancer treatments in my 30's. Did you know dentures need replacing every 5-7 years?! I didn't.

This just seems like an endless list of complaints and maybe it is. But when someone says they are offended that I need to pay my bills with the money earned from their purchases, I get upset and go over and over and over this list of our shitty financial story of the past 20 years. It's a crappy hand to be dealt. It's no ones fault, except maybe the United States' flawed medical system & my poor biology, possibly bad life choices in my younger years. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe a combination of all of it. One thing I do know, I will never be shamed by saying that my jewelry business helps pay my bills. Also, I'm upping my in-person market game to offset the decrease in online sales. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Why is entrepreneurial transparency not a thing? Am I just lacking the connections to these peers or is everyone just tight-lipped competitors, lacking in mutual support of other likeminded small business owners? Are small bizz owners just affraid to share because they might come across as a "failing business?" Someone might copy you (which happened to me)? Maybe I will research small business support groups. But for now, while I seek out other boss babes like me, I will just blog about the struggs to func sometimes.

Day 2: Sitting with Myself. Length: 2 hours. Attention: Sexual Assault.

2023-05-24T11:14:00.001-04:00

Today I decided to do the 2 hours together. I'm not sure that was super helpful. I feel like I just slept the last half hour/45 minutes anyway... even snoring/snorting myself awake a couple times. I did take Xanax and hemp oil after the first hour so maybe that had something to do with it. So the first hour was more productive for sure.

What kept drawing my attention was the sexual assault I endured at 12 or 13 years old... I know for sure that by 8th grade it had already happened because the bullying about it started during that school year. I was at the house party of an older male friend with my childhood best friend and I believe (I will just state the facts as I remember, from my point of view) we were the only 2 girls there. We were with Brian S, Brian H, Steve S, Cole G and I think that was it. We were playing some sort of game in the living room that turned into a drinking game possibly even a strip poker type of situation. There are flashes of memory after that: the hall way, the back bedroom with the hall light shining through the open door, people around me and whispering in the dark. I don't remember feeling any pain at that time. They were talking to each other. And then nothing else until I woke up in the daylight, alone, and I just knew something wasn't right down there and that I had to have been drugged. I went out into the hall and everything was very quiet. I remember finding my best friend in the bedroom, next to the one I was in, with one of the guys in the twin bed. I went to the bathroom and I remember some amount of pain when urinating. I don't remember if I showered there or when I got home (important later when questioned at the police station). After that there was conversation with other guys about my best friend who wasn't awake yet. The conversation or my investigation led to the knowledge that she was urinated on my one or more of the guys while in the bed. The overall conversation from the guys was that everything that happened was no big deal, that I was overreacting and that we wanted it.

Next thing I remember is being at our small town police department with my mom. I remember feeling scared sitting in the office before the chief of police came in. But mostly I felt sure I would get the help I needed and they all would be punished. Instead, the chief blamed me for all of it, asking me what did I expect getting drunk with a bunch of guys? He even went so far as to say if I was running down the street naked and got raped that I deserved it. He told me there was no proof anyway since I foolishly washed all the evidence away. I immediately felt dirty. I felt ashamed that I allowed this to happen to me. I immediately felt unsafe by this man of authority. I immediately felt like I couldn't be trusted by them becasue I myself was untrustworthy. I felt alone. I felt angry. But eventually I did feel like I deserved it. Like I wasn't worthy of good things, good feelings, good relationships, good experiences because I myself wasn't good. I was damaged. Broken. Unloveable. After that, when bad things happened, I wasn't surprised. I kind of expected it because that's what I deserved anyway.

Maybe that's when the self-sabotaging began I don't know but I do know that everything changed after that trip to the police station.

Day 1. Homework: Set with myself. Session 1 of 2. Length: 1 hour

2023-05-23T10:34:00.000-04:00

At first, I sat there feeling distracted by the roofers next door and the traffic of the city. I constantly wondered if I was "doing it right." It feels wrong, like a waste of time. I'm trusting that this is what I need but I'm not sure how this is gonna play out. I know that "quiet time" feels like something my soul has been needing so I've been doing a tiny bit, here and there. Nothing like the 2 hours a day that's been assigned. I don't think one can "dig deep" in just 5 minutes a day of sitting with oneself. Maybe the longer lengths of time was what I was missing. I don't know. I do know that I'm scared to do it, scared I'll "fail" or not "do it good enough" or that it simply won't work. Apparently, this time is a way of becoming self aware, processing the suffering I have endured, which ultimately leads to my "North Star" which is my life's purpose, meaning and fulfillment. Sounds glorious but my impatience is wanting that knowledge now. I have always looked for the smarter-not-harder way. If there was a shortcut, I took it. If there was an easier way, I did it. If I could avoid the difficult, I did. And I worked hard until I succeeded, or simply just quit. There is no in between for me. I know some of that was a trauma response and a coping mechanism but when do those things become a problem? Anywho, during the "Sitting with Myself," I am not to do anything else but just actively sit there. I looked at the clock for the first time and only 5 minutes had lapsed. Ugh. Then 12 minutes had gone by. Then 20. And on and on it went. I did finally set the timer because I started to focus on if I should or shouldn't look at the clock. Eventually, after 35 minutes had passed, I set the timer. I started to imagine what the title of my New York Times Best Seller would be. Huh? I mean, people tell me all the time that I'm an excellent, entertaining writer but I never had the ambition or desire to write a book. Curiouser and curiouser. Oh, and the titles were shocking, of course, like the book that just came out titled "I'm Glad My Mom Died." And then eventually I started going over my business to-do list. First, I need to get orders out. Second, I need to post an update on social media, no, on my website. Yes, that's better. One of my goals is to transition more to my website than social media. I want people to interact with me there and not mostly on Facebook. Social media, for me, is a social validation issue. I am constantly looking for approval and praise. I count the likes, shares, comments and I "typically reply within the hour," or so the app informs me. That eventually leads to endless scrolling for long periods of time and a constant changing of my inner compass or something like that. Like maybe today I should change my tactics or maybe if I just posted more or maybe maybe maybe. It's like a constant battle of expectations dashed, second guessing myself, ultimately leading to not feeling good enough due to the comparisons that take over. I need a break. I often look over my business and decide what isn't feeling the greatest and change it. Social media isn't feeling the greatest right now so I'm going to post 1-2 times a day, scheduled in advance, and hope and pray that the orders still come in on my website. It feels very dramatic like this could make or break my business but I've felt this way before about things and they worked out. So, I'm going to do it afraid anyway. Ok, and plus, I am supposed to also be on a "Pleasure Fast" anyway so scrolling social media endlessly, although it starts out giving me pleasure, eventually, closing the app feeling guilt, shame, confusion, and an all around negative vibe. I just can't. So, I will be a little absent on Facebook for awhile seeking inner validation which scares the fucking shit out of me. What if I don't like what I see? What if this tanks my small business?

So, my hour was spent listening to distracting sounds, imaging weird visions of the future author in me and my small business to-do and check lists. Maybe I am supposed to do the 2 hours in one sitting. Maybe the second hour is when all the amazing revelations happen. Maybe I'll try that tomorrow.

Drugs

2020-09-23T06:02:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty proud of myself. At one point, in 2009, when I was first diagnosed with cancer, I was on 20 (like 2-0 as in TWENTY) medications. As of this morning, I officially take 3 - two of which are because I no longer have a thyroid so those will never go away. I'm workin on that last one... in July I had a pretty bad mental breakdown -ish where I just couldn't do life the way it was anymore. I had gone sober on New Year's Day, making that decision while nursing a massive hangover. Sobriety brought a small jewelry business as well as mental clarity which led to July. There had to be more to life than that.

I am currently seeing 2 counselors - one with the hubs & one solo. My eyes have been opened! I have co-dependency issues among other things but when you know better you do better! My life & my view of it has changed exponentially... for the better. It's so hard but it's for the better. Looking at yourself closely is never easy but I can say with certainty that I would rather see myself now, exactly as I am, than who I saw 3 months ago - a person who was unaware of herself, sacrificing herself day in & day out for everyone else's happiness. I was miserable. I just couldn't do it anymore.

Along this journey, I decided to wean off meds I didn't really need & start taking healthier steps to managing my mental health & body. And I'm down to 3 medications. I'm pretty proud of myself. I killed off my pride in myself as an adult because I was always taught humility is best & pride is bad. Now I know: Being proud of yourself is not bad at all, but quite healthy! Who knew?! I didn't! Humility, to me, is not thinking you are better than you are but also, most importantly, not better than anyone else. We are all just humans passing through but dang it! I'm no longer letting that false sense of humilty & pride get in the way anymore! I AM PROUD OF MYSELF DAMMIT!

Watch It Burn

2020-08-31T11:07:00.002-04:00

I lit the match and set my old life ablaze. I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm unfamiliar. But I did it. I did it for survival - all while screaming "IT HAS *GOT* TO BE BETTER THAN THIS! THERE HAS TO BE MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS!"

Now I feel some confusion because this is a road untraveled. This is a road where you have to drive on the left. I have no experience with this. I'm still scared. I'm still angry but yet, it's different. It's different because life as I knew it is gone. There's been a paradigm shift in my world. I can't go back. I can't unlearn what I know now.

As I meditate I see a version of myself I've never seen before. She is strong, empowered with a powerful and "take no shit" stance. She is emboldened. She doesn't care what other people think; in fact, she isn't even looking at them. Her eyes are closed and she's protected, standing in a barren white, cracked desert. She is wearing white but wrapped in colorful fabric strips which are flowing in the wind. To the right and left are everything she doesn't let in: thoughts, emotions, moods, expectations, responsibilities. She is a pillar. She is uninhabitable. She is protected. She is wrapped in positivity. She is surrounded like a tornado with love and warmth and energy. She is grounded and knows what she wants and how to get it. This person is someone I have never seen before and she will be taken seriously.

I sense the smoke from the smoldering fire that was my life. I sense it but I walk away from it with arms open and raised skyward, hands soft, head held high, eyes closed with the sun turning her eyelids orange and she's smiling. She is calm and safe and not paying attention to anything other than her footsteps. One step and then another, deliberately. There is nothing in her way.

This person is someone I have never met before and I refuse to ignore her. I do not know how to go from the scared, angry, lonely firestarter to the woman I see in the desert...

My New Favorite of All Time

2020-04-24T21:10:00.001-04:00

RE-BRANDING A BUSINESS IS HAAAARRRDDD (said in a very whiny voice.) I like to think I am a graphic designer but, as I learned yesterday, I am not. You don't just say you want your business name to be "The Clock Tower" and it just magically happens. You have to check AVAILABILITY people: facebook, instagram, etsy, domains, blah blah blah, snore snore snore. You have to pick based on AVAILABILITY PEOPLE! My business name HAD to have meaning... that was the part I really cared about. Connecting my business name to my childhood is my new favorite. I'm using a lot of caps. I'll stop and get to THE GOOD STUFF.

As you can tell, my brain is fried from learning a new program to design stuffandthings (one word. I use it often. Nope. Not a typo.) for my real job while creating for my photography/jewelry business logo. I put those hands together. Also, I didn't do it alone. Actually, I didn't do most of it. Brian Ruch is the real hero. He went to school for graphic design and has a lot of patience working with and teaching this moron the ropes. He is always willing to lend a helping hand and spends hours dealing with me so he, for sure, deserves an award. Ruchie, I hearby award you the winner of the Best Designer Who Puts Up with So Much of My Shit with Grace and Hasn't Killed Me Yet Award! Congrats! Ok, I've completely gone off track but had to give that god-send a major shout-out. But this end re-brand/logo project - or near the end - starts with a story... let me tell you a story...

Once upon a time, I was born in a very small town and my dad wasn't nice to me. The End.

LOL! Oh, don't worry we made up later and had a good 13 years before he passed away 2 years ago but I digress... Since turning 40 last year, I have thought A LOT about my childhood; especially those things, events, people, hobbies and stuff that made me HAPPY. there's caps again. damn. sorry.

As a child my happy places were the library and the park. There was "town park" and "school park," both a stone's throw from my house, both equally appealing to my 7 year old eye. Yes, there were sidewalks throughout, other children to play with and fun equipment but honestly, I was most happy alone, sitting in the rocks, looking for indian beads. Oh the thrill of the hunt! I did it for hours and hours...and hours. Funny thing though: I don't remember what I kept them in. Maybe mom or my sister remembers. I sure as hell don't. My best guess would be my super fashionable fanny pack with my matching neon spandex bicycle shorts.The searching and looking and exploring and hunting and collecting and the excitement of just around the next hill of rocks could be the biggest and baddest indian bead this side of the Mississipp. To say I loved it is an understatement.

I waited all year for our town's annual Historical Days, three glorious days of the "town park" filled with booths and booths of treasures at discount prices, I might add. There were also booths of yummy treats but I was less interested in those. Even the fair rides and mom's sorority's free-to-me snow cone booth couldn't keep me as captivated as the rock-stones-jewels-gems-shells (and oddly, feathers attached to roach clips for my purple mesh cowboy hat) booth. I am not exaggerating when I say: I was there late Thursday night while that poor husband and wife team tried to set up shop, asking countless questions, talking late into the night, mixing up their baskets upon baskets of goodies and messing up their displays. But every year, they came, took all my money in the dawn hours of Friday morning and never once told me to get lost or shut up. The rest of the weekend was spent, basically, asking my mom and dad for more money, eating free sloppy joes from the Methodist Church ladies just because I talked to them and walking around looking at stuff while showing people all the loot from my most favorite booth. It was glorious.

One summer, when I was about 10, my mom told me I could join whatever club/group/sport I wanted so I told her I wanted to join a group in the big city next door called the Gem & Mineral Society of SB...and she actually let me! The monthly meetings were held in a dark, old, dusty church basement and the drive was over a half hour away. Now, my mom worked full time and my sister and I would have been latch-key kids but no one locked their doors back then. We were home alone and had free reign of the town. No worries. After my mom busted ass at work, she still drove me to those meetings and let me tell you! I was the star of that show! No really, I was 70 years younger than every single member and they thought I was just precious and darling and quite the hoot. The best part was the end of summer bus trip to the Chicago Field Museum and, again, I don't remember a thing about that...just that I went. My mom just told me that I had the old people singing the Wheels on the Bus and 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall the entire trip while taking my rightful place at the front of the bus like a conductor. It's weird, the stuff you remember and the stuff you don't.

My other happy place was the Olive Township Public Library. It. Was. Heaven. I think I fell in love with air conditioning there. Sifting through hot gravel was rewarded with the cool of the stacks. And that smell! Oh how I loved that smell! The library, for me, was about searching, looking, finding and learning and just around the next corner could be my new favorite book of all time! Again, the thrill of the hunt. There's a pattern here. I would check out like 30 books in the morning and after reading them, return them a few hours later to check out another 30 and on and on. Now kids, this was when dinosaurs roamed the earth and books had cards in the back that you signed your name to and they stamped the card, which they filed away, and the book with a date stamp so you knew when to return it. I didn't need reminding. That poor librarian! She painstakingly sat there patiently while I sllloooooowwwly signed my complete name to every. single. card. multiple. times. every. single. day. Finally, the library, for the first time ever, and just because of me, put a new rule in place: you could only check out 10 books at a time and you had to keep them for 24 hours. (maybe it wasn't a rule for everybody but that's what I was told because you bet your ass I asked). Either way, I would finish up those 10 books in the morning then head to the park after lunch to begin the digging. Again, glorious.

I turned 40 six months ago and I'm trying to tap more into my authentic self and other Rachel Hollis advice but honestly, I just wanna do what makes me happy. I love my job. I have a great family. But what about ME? Like something all my own... so I decided to change up my portrait photography business and include making jewelry, and then I realized I could use my love of antiquing too! So, again, I love the hunting, searching, looking, digging and finding that is everything antiquing. Again, around the next corner could be the treasure of my dreams. Usually it isn't but it's the hunt that's the best part. I have always been drawn to the boxes of dusty old photos, post cards and greeting cards. So much history and people are just selling it! It shocks me, to be honest. I have read all about Alice and her boyfriend through the postcards at my favorite antique mall. I love holding something in my hands with a post mark of long ago - some are so old, that the time is on them! Like legit history in my hands. Mind blowing. So I had an idea... why not make a one-of-a-kind pair of earrings with these for myself...then I thought maybe other people would enjoy them too... so that's really all there was to it.

Covid-19 has put a damper on the antiquing for now but I did call a local shop and he brought 10 cards out curbside and I bought them. He knew what I liked but Facetimed with me anyway and I picked them. It was so effin awesome!! #customerforlife! Anywho, I have branched out some and shopped small for wooden pieces and beads to incorporate into new designs but I am missing those dusty, old, broken down boxes in dark corners. I know everyone is struggling right now but this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to. I'm not crying. You're crying.

So, my business, THE OLIVE TALE - I kinda feel like after that long ass post, if I have to tell you the significance then you don't deserve to know but I'm a giver so here goes: The because my niece thought it should have a the, Olive for my childhood library with tales that sparked my imagination and took me to worlds beyond that small town - like England!- and Tale because this is my story, those photos and cards are other people's stories...everybody has a story. So, I may never sell another pair of earrings but reviving those cracked pieces of history by making them into something great and becoming a piece of my story is my favorite part. Now, I don't know Alice but I feel like I do. I think of her and her boyfriend during the Spring of 1914 often. I think I might keep these for myself.

Just kidding. They're for sale in my Etsy shop. Desperate times call for desperate measures and, plus, why should I hog all the good ones. You never know! Around the next corner could be that thing, that rare diamond in the rough that becomes my new favorite pair of earrings of all time.

Dear Kitty,

2020-04-15T13:08:00.000-04:00

Some things have changed but not much. The husband is still home keeping me from serving the great people of the church I work for to the best of my abilities. He needs a "come to Jesus" talk or a time out in the doghouse which is COVERED IN SNOW right now. Ugh! He is restless so I threw him a bone and gave him a task - follow my recipe, preparing and putting my famous roast in the Crock pot. There is quite a few steps, actually. Fancy times. I do feel like I am a depression-era pioneer woman by saving scraps and putting shit together that I never would have before. Then again, some days, I throw all caution to the wind and eat all the week's snacks in one day. The husband also has his massive blue tooth speaker blaring unchristian-like music so again, I urge you to keep him in your prayers. The teenager is still waking up everyday after noon even though I take all electronics from him when I go to bed about 10 pm. Not sure what gives but I can hardly blame him...I want to sleep all day too. He is starting to struggle with e-learning some although he is still loving not having to physically go to the school everyday. The hardest part for him is missing his homies as we all are.

I actually got very choked up watching a live Easter service Sunday. I felt, I don't know, a sort of "longing" to feel needed by where I work in the ways I was in the past and I can't wait to be able to be of more service to the congregation and pastors, more hands on and connect more regularly and even get some hugs & I AM NOT A HUGGER! I long for that connection and seeing people face to face. I long for the days I would be in my office and members would come in and out and fill me in on their lives. I miss the buzz and happenings of the weekly goings-on and outreaches. I miss people leaving me baked treats, cards and notes on my desk, calling me to tell me something random just because. I miss feeling needed. For me, this epic time of isolation has brought me to a rather sobering realization - I need people to validate me or I feel heartbroken. I need people to need me. I need reassurance that I am not forgotten. I am sensitive to the outpouring of love, or lack thereof, on me. So, with all that being said in complete and transparent honesty, the validation I so crave and the judgment of others when they don't is, well, NEWSFLASH: super unhealthy! So, after telling you all what a bitch I can be having all those unhealthy thoughts, I am committed to learning how to do better, how to have better mental health. There. I said it. Moving on...

So, not much has changed in our day to day but everything's changed with me. I feel energized just reintroducing my blog. I started this blog in February of 2010. I feel the need to say this: I have not went back and read all those posts which I am sure are the embarrassing ramblings of a young mother but they are there if you so desire. In a hungover haze, I posted 10 years later on January 1, 2020, and just today, while updating my work's blog, thought maybe I needed to get some things out on a more regular basis and could POSSIBLY even help others by opening up so here we are. Yesterday I FaceTimed with my niece and sister and haven't laughed that hard in the last 33 days of being home - yes, 33, minus the few hours I went into work ages ago & Saturday out driving for about 4 hours - not going in anywhere just doing drive-bys for birthday celebrations and earring deliveries. It's like I HAVE to give people gifts - I HAVE A PROBLEM! lol! I am ok with the physical distance of like 6 feet and no more than 5 or 10 or however many but I miss the FREEDOM of doing whatever I want. I miss the mommy. I miss shopping with the sister. I miss hugging the Maggie so, I guess, really, I just miss my homies.

I saw a post the other day about Anne Frank. It said, "Anne Frank and seven other people hid in a 450 sq. ft. attic for 761 days, quietly trying to remain undiscovered in order to stay alive. You'll probably be fine in your house... with your wine, your GrubHub and your Netflix. Feel grateful yet?" My house is 1,000 sq. ft, I have been drinking cases of Hibiscus LaCroix while being over 100 days sober now, eating roast and watching movies, wearing earrings, snuggled on the couch with the husband and the dog while yelling at the teenager to turn his stereo down. I have zero room to bitch.

One article I read said: "A lifetime ago, a Jewish girl confided in her diary as she spent two years in isolation from the outside world in a doomed attempt to escape mortal danger. Anne Frank, a teenager from Amsterdam, wrote of her hopes, fears and dreams as she and her family hid from the Nazis in a secret annex behind a canal-side house. Seventy-five years ago this year, after their hiding place was discovered, Anne died of typhus in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp in Germany, aged 15. The "Diary of a Young Girl" has become one of the world's most-read books. But it had humble beginnings, the diary was a birthday present for the 13-year-old Anne. Anne began writing shortly before the family went into hiding in 1942 in the secret annex that her father, Otto, had built behind his business. Addressing her diary as "Dear Kitty", over the next two years she described her thoughts and feelings about life in isolation with her family and the four other Jewish people they lived in hiding there with. Life in the annex was hard. Anne wrote with searing honesty about her feelings towards its other occupants, in particular her difficult relationship with her mother. The last entry was on August 1, 1944. Three days later, German agents raided the house. After the war, Anne's father returned to Amsterdam to find his wife and daughters dead and the house stripped. But the diary had been saved. The diary's immediacy means it has kept its relevance, especially in the "challenging times that we live in in 2020." The Anne Frank House -- which is currently closed to the public because of the Corona virus but continues its educational programs -- is now focused on communicating her legacy for the next 75 years, as memories of the Holocaust fade." Can you imagine? I don't feel imminent danger. I'm just bored. Get a grip, Jenna! Our situations are so NOT the same not matter how much I whine and throw adult tantrums. I have never read Dairy of a Young Girl but I think I should now.

This quarantine stay at home is really just one big giant mirror forcing us to look at ourselves. Some parts I like, some parts I don't but I am looking, day in and long day out. Getting some perspective. Thinking about the things I want to reintroduce into my life and the things I don't when all is said and done. My niece thinks I need to learn TikTok and start doing "Goat Jesus" videos just to make people laugh. Maybe. But one thing I do know - kids have it right: it really is the simple things. So I will continue to "Dear Kitty" my own version of thoughts in isolation, some humorous and some downright awful but always honest, real and true and maybe, just maybe, if you finish all your e-learning (without swearing or Snapping the teacher at your new, crappy school having mental breakdowns,) I'll introduce all you cool cats and kittens to Goat Jesus.

Sadness Crept In - iphone note rant April 13th

2020-04-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was... well... depressing ? I can't quite put my finger on the feelings I have. I slept the day away after lunch and woke up feeling so tired. How is that possible?! Then it quite literally rained on our back yard fire parade and I honestly thought, while quickly gathering up our stuff, big shocker. It was disappointing and honestly it just got in line with all the other disappointments of the last month. I came in, dropped the stuff and then just took another seat. All this sitting and I'm still so tired. I thought I put my finger on it last night when I told a friend that my overall feeling is one of LONGING. Webster says that's a yearning desire, to desire something very much. Yeah. I guess so. This morning I wake up and I am instantly annoyed and I angrily go through the motions of yet another day at home: feed the dog, let her out, take medicine, start the coffee, turn my desk calendar that's now on my bistro table, open the curtains to more crappy weather, scroll Facebook and feel guilty of all the Easter celebrations because we honestly didn't do much different than the day before, look at my empty email inbox, look at zero notifications on Instagram, look at zero sales on Etsy, look at the pile of books I have no desire to read, yell at my dog to stop licking her leg and think to myself, 'today, i'm gonna shower, eat lunch and nap' which is basically what I do everyday...basically. I went out for the first time in a month to do a drive-by for my niece's birthday Saturday as well as delivered earrings and while being completely car sick the entire time, I was shocked at just how many people were out and about! Entire families walking into Dollar General. Kids hugging other kids in the street. Large gatherings of people not 6 feet apart and I wondered why I'd been home for a month and things are sorta normal out here. I thought I would witness a ghost town. I thought it was gonna be the Oregon Trail out there. It looked the same. I did not go in anywhere so I'm sure that's different but the roads were just as busy as Friday the 13th when I last drove around town. The restaurant parking lots, TJMaxx parking lot and Kohl's parking lots were all but empty. See? Now I'm just rambling about things even I don't get. My friend from MI said they can't finish a part of their house because the areas of the store with those supplies are roped off. What the hell is happening up there?! Then again, people will just find a way. I mean will Amazon close eventually? Can't you buy paint on Amazon?

Update I sent to congregation on April 2nd - not a lot has changed

2020-04-15T10:37:00.000-04:00

Hi church family that I serve as Ministry Coordinator! I miss you all terribly and can’t wait until things go back to normal, whatever that means. I came down with some of the symptoms of Covid-19 after being exposed to a sick person, got swabbed but my results were negative. Praise the Lord! However, that still means I could get it, I guess, so self-quarantining is what’s best for me and my family right now. That just means I can still serve this wonderful congregation from my comfortable couch. I am feeling very healthy now. I am keeping myself busy making earrings for my Etsy shop, re-watching the West Wing and reading The Clockmaker's Daughter by Kate Morton for my, now online, book club as well as The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley and My Italian Bulldozer by Alexander McCall Smith because I like to confuse myself by reading multiple books at once. The husband’s work has shut down until, at least, April 13th so he is here distracting me from doing God’s missions for you so he is to blame for any miscommunication, typos and forgotten email responses. His name is Brian. Add him to your prayer lists. 😊 The teenager is also home e-learning, playing video games, eating us out of house and home and getting on my nerves with his loud music. If I had a $5 for every time I have had to tell him to turn it down, I wouldn’t need this job. He is precious and I love him but his birthday was pretty much ruined so I am giving him grace – for now. 😊 I will be updating our church community blog, learning the program InDesign to better wow all of you with my mad designing skills, hopefully revamping the website to make it more user friendly and simple as well as running point on our new Geek Squad (more details coming soon). I am continuing to check email and voicemails daily and staying connected to the pastors during this strange time. It is weird but doable. I miss my office, my MAC, my comfy desk chair, my Kuerig, having somewhere to go every day, hearing PB say “ohhhh Jeeennnna!” from his office, catching up with Jeff in person, getting a weekly hug from Eliza, all the smiling faces on Tuesdays, being able to print things and see my Friday folders, not having a barking dog around, not having my husband watch me work and many other things. BUT I am so very grateful for my health, a willing team of pastors and leaders who are working tirelessly to continue bringing you the Gospel and The Good News through this historic time. I am thankful to all who are healthy and I am praying daily for all of you – for health, continued hope in these trying times, financial security no matter your situation, for a sense of belonging to our church family even in the midst of separation, for shining His light in the increase of dark places right now, for joy and laughter when seeking out the simpler things in life and most of all, that you connect with Him daily as your source of strength, love and comfort. Until we meet again...

2020: Sobriety Journey

2020-01-01T09:52:00.000-05:00

Wow! It's been 10 years since I wrote here & so much has happened. More on that later. Right now I am nursing a massive hangover with chicken Ramen noodles & a Bud light. I am feeling sick AF. It's time to make a change & grow up. I am having surgery on my left knee next week for a meniscus root tear. I am so overweight that I am actually worried about blowing out my good knee while it's supporting all of my 225-230lbs during the 6 weeks non weight bearing post-op. Never too late to change. "Anything's possible while your heart's still beating" - somebody said that but I'm too dizzy to look it up. My dad passed away 1-26-18 from heart disease & complications of diabetes. I also found out recently that my mom has been on blood pressure meds "for years." Hello genes, I haven't been helpful...until now. First step: gag down this beer, pop aspirin, go back to bed & not think about the fact that I've so not been living my best life...until now. Well, actually when I have my second morning in a few hours...hopefully. Hopefully I will feel mucho better then. I'm too old, I'm too tired, I'm too fuckin... fuckin drunk. #atmylowest? #heaviestihaveeverbeen #onlygetsbetterfromhere #onwardsandupwards

ECLIPSE ::: the Review

2010-07-01T09:15:00.015-04:00

Lastnight myself, my 14 y.o., my sister, my mother and my friend went to see Eclipse at 8 pm. I have to admit I was a little bummed I had to wait ALL DAY for my Edward fix but fix me, HE DID! We left for the movie an hour early to drive about 6 minutes to the theater and there was absolutely NO line and we were the first ones to enter the theater, meaning we got the best seats. (Everyone KNEW the movie came out yesterday, right? Why the emptiness?)

There were MEN coming into the theater with their wives/girlfriends/friends with benefits...cuz YOU KNOW they were promised some if they went to this movie with them! No man, in their right mind, would go without a reward. When I asked Boobs to go, I couldn't even get the question out before he denied me. He's just jealous.

During the previews, I got upset because they took forever, delaying my eyecandy, but also because I was proven wrong by my mother: Harry Potter doesn't come out until November. DAMMIT! Also, I kept getting the trivia questions wrong. But to ease my broken ego I just ate more popcorn (not as much as my growing teen inhaled) and tore into my contraband peanut m&m's (I'm a rebel.)

FINALLY it began. I was a little disappointed in Edward's bushy sideburns but other than that, HE WAS PERFECT, as was to be expected.

Bella, I noticed, has abnormally large 'chicklet' front teeth...maybe she really wants to be turned into a vampyre so that her teeth even out.

Alice was wearing the cutest necklace. But, if it's anything like Edward's leather cuff, it'll be too expensive & I'll get sad just for googling it.
Also, Jasper, your hair, creepy! WTH?! It did get worse, no?? Alice really needs to help him out. Get his mane cut, get him lip implants & seriously, unhinge that jaw. It was painful to watch him talk. He was sorta like a ventriloquist. And slightly pedophile-like. Gross.
I did notice that Rosalie has perfect heart-shaped lips but needs anger management. All the people in La Push have a great dentist who seriously hearts teeth whitening. Jacob made me LOL but still has a large beak that got all smushed up on Bella's face when they had their 2nd kiss (yuck)--- which was quickly followed by Bella thinking "OH SNAP! what did I just do?!" (But no worries Edward, she loves you more...of course, duh.) But still, well played Bella, well played. Victoria was replaced...I had to be told this b/c I hardly noticed, what, with me all sorta zoning out between the Edward scenes. And the best part: the hot make-out scene between Edward & Bella when she tries, unsuccessfully, to DO IT with Edward.

Edward: "why are you trying to take your clothes off?"
Bella: "do you want to do it?"

LOL! She needed to try harder, I think. But enough of the foreplay already!! Yeah, he's old school, which should be a good thing, but I'm modern and want to see some human on vampire action!! (Breaking Dawn can't come soon enough.)I hope they show it, but they won't b/c then it won't be PG13 and the teens would riot. (kids ruin everything)

So there was lots of inner dialog going on in my head the whole time but mostly I was thinking "yum" "delicious" "hot" "i love you" "omg" "wish i was bella" "oh yeah"... you get the idea.

Now I just reread Breaking Dawn & wait for the movie, wait for my Edward decal in the mail, buy the movies so I have something to hold me over and daydream about me & Edward in the meadow...

It's Not Marley, It's Sam

2010-06-30T12:12:00.003-04:00

And I feel a little bummed about that. We got a dog and secretly I was hoping for some Marley & Me action so that I could post hilarious blogs about her bad behavior and become rich & famous. But instead Sam is a GOOD GIRL! (can I get a break, seriously?!)

Boobs knows I ***HATE*** pet stores, shelters and even zoos honestly but it was Father's Day and I agreed that we could do whatever he wanted, all day (Note to Self: never do that again). So he suggested lunch (good), then the mall (better) then the Humane Society (sucky mcsuckith). I agreed to this day so I HAD to go. I have to mentally prepare, or just chain smoke outside the ratty gates, but I do enter and let me tell you (as if you don't already know) it's sad, it's stinky, it's loud. The very first dog we saw was the one we brought home but first...

Can I just say... HOW MANY DAMN CATS CAN THIS WORLD HAVE FOR THE LOVE Ahhhh?! They are packed in like sheep. They are laying on eachother like hats and blankets and they STINK. See, I thought dogs were the poopy baskets but they don't always stink like the cat room did. OH MAN GROSS. I felt an infection coming on and quickly had to talk to my 5 y.o. son.
ME: "get outta here"
WILL: "But I likes kitties mawmaw"
ME: "No you don't. Not anymore"
WILL: "yes, I do"
ME: "no you don't"
WILL: "yes I do"
ME: "hey, look, free car magnets"
WILL: "where?"
***suckah!***

Anywho, the dog we first saw was in kennel 41. Now, I have a strange thing I like to do all the time and it is talking in quotes from movies. I would do it all the time if I was smarter and had a better memory but I do what I can with what I've got. So, as a kid I rented Ben Hur A LOT! My mom was slightly creeped out by this but Jesus is in it so it couldn't be ~that~ bad for a child, right?! Anywho, my point is this: in the movie, Judah Ben Hur becomes a slave and is number 41 and this Roman guard, with a cool, raspy, deep voice talks to him..."your eyes are full of hate, 41."

SOOOO... I was geeked that Sam was "41." I could see her being all bad and me calmly telling her "remember where you come from, 41" and she would immediately bow down in honor of my rescuing her and behave like a good girl. But she ALREADY IS A GOOD GIRL DAMMIT... I can barely even yell at her without wanting to apologize and smoochy woochy her.

And she had a cone on her head from getting fixed but, at first, I was worried that she was handicapped, whether physically or mentally, but I just couldn't have a "special needs" dog. That takes like extra work and stuff. But she just got all her girlie parts taken out so she wouldn't be whoring it up around the neighborhood home dawgs and THAT I can handle (only one whore per household and our house is all set). Anywho, she made the grade and entered our hearts right away but we had to go thru the waiting period before we could take her home. Plus, I had to dog-proof the house...which is kinda the same as Maggie-proofing so that was mostly already done. Oh and the dog needs like food and bones and a leash and necessities...which is a small fortune and I had to do some serious clearance aisle hunting and gathering (which was a success, I might add. I rule.)

And then we brought her home and it's been pretty uneventful ever since...besides how she tries to jump the fence (and actually did once) & like attacks Will and he cries... but other than that...nada. Nothing. Alls good. No drama. Just like that. BOR-ING :)

The Heart of rock 'n roll is still beatin!

2010-06-15T16:40:00.004-04:00

So, I wasn't going to blog about my drunken stuppor over the weekend but after 48 straight hours of a hangover and a day in bed reading aDay in the Wife, from the beginning, I decided, screw it. Whatever.

My friend Stacey from "Upnorth" came for her monthly visit b/c it was SO HER TURN and when her son cried all night long the last sleepover we had here...we were due for a do-over. AND DO-OVER WE DID!

It started with a photoshoot then some shopping. I should have known what kind of shape I would be in in the morning when I thought buying a pink mini skirt and a retro Madonna shirt was a good idea...

After going home to change into above mentioned outfit, just the two of us went to dinner. Let me just say that I had only about 4 bites of dinner followed by the waitress kindly informing me that the two Long Islands she had already served me were the limit. TIME TO GO.

So we had already decided earlier that after dinner we would go get Boobs and head to our local dive for some much needed encores in kareoke. I have to say I was sad that Fred wasn't there to DJ. Apparently he had moved up in the world and was "doin' a weddin'" the fill-in said. Fred wouldn't be talking about my boobs (not my husband, but my actual rack) and Skinny wasn't there to bust out the Eminem to the over 60's crowd that frequents the joint so we had to set the tone.

Stacey only had 2 of the 15 beers from the $10 buckets and Boobs and I had the rest. It helps my singing voice. What can I say?! She sang some You're So Vain and classy tunes like Free Fallin' while I chose crap like Summer Lovin', Gonna Soak Up the Sun and some Huey Lewis & the News. Seemed good at the time. When I was willing to sing ANYTHING and had to ask, microphone in hand, what was up and it was Sin Wagon and I was ok with it, I shoulda known. But no, I had to wait until I was seeing my friend Stacey and wondering and thinking i didn't know she had a sister. George, the long-haired hippie biker dude, was there rallying the troops and singing us Seger songs b/c we were "such big fans." He even hugged me. (sigh)

Then after runnning out of the cigarettes I was chain smoking, I suggested going to the clu-zub that my too cool for drool brother works at... because any other night at 1 am when I suggest it, Boobs never thinks its a good idea. But tonight he agreed, wholeheartedly.

I spot my bro near the back and quickly bee-line for his behind. That's right...I grinded on my brother and he liked it...a little surprised when he turned around, but liked it nontheless. He was annoyed and I was the only one on the dance floor so we quickly got bored and left.

When we got home and the neighborhood was dark and Boobs wouldn't let me go knock on doors and run, we turned in for the night...sort of. We woke up the 14 y.o. and then ruined my new top. Damn. Lets just say that the whole next day was filled with greasy food, headaches, laughter beyond all control over the previous nights details, and the next day: much of the same. I didn't know hangovers could last that long. And hair of the dog is bullshit...it doesn't really work. And today I took a pregnancy test when I didn't even make it to the bed that night. Good times.

My Son Cracks Me Up!

2010-06-08T09:56:00.004-04:00

Before Will can even wipe the sleep from his eyes, he is walking into the livingroom, asking for me to turn off the Today Show so he can play "tv games" aka Playstation. This morning he asked if he could have candy for breakfast and when I said "no, let's go look at your choices," he quickly zeroes in on the syrup and wants to "drink" syrup for breakfast. When we looked in the fridge, I see he has randomly moved the mustard to the butter compartment and the butter all the way to the back. He gets his granola bar, and like with everything, he asks if those are just his. What his obsession is with things being because of him or just for him, idk?! He's also gotten back into the habit of asking me everytime I enter the house after being gone without him "what'd you get for me?" This weekend his 14 y.o. sister got a new cell phone and he got her old one. He's pissed b/c it isn't "real." What ever happened to pretend and make-believe and Mr. Roger's and crap?! He STILL doesn't want to sleep in his room, in his bed. In March, we painted his room orange, his "fravrite" color, but that didn't change anything. He still begs every night to sleep with me or for me to sleep with him. I am tempted to let him and make his Dad sleep on the couch b/c lately, Boobs has been working a lot; therefore, the snore volume has been turned WAY up & he's pulling the paint off the walls! But then Will has been grinding his teeth when he sleeps which makes my skin crawl so now what?? Will asks to watch "gleed" and "31" (which is nickelodeon but whatever...) and "So You Can Think & Dance." LOL He wants to stay up all night & still gets up before 8 am. He asks all morning when his sister is going to get up and when I say "in a little bit" he replies with "that'll be for so long." Yesterday it took him 11minutes to buckle his seatbelt all by himself. He picked out orange gum at the gas station over a slurpee or chocolate. Weirdo. Lastnight at dinner he had to go eat in the kitchen by himself b/c he thinks the dinner table is a stage for his performances and takes forever to eat. We constantly have to tell him "eat" or "quit messing around." Then he tries to tell us he has to poop, which he DOESN'T, just to get out of eating. He likes to jump on me, with no concept of my bad back, and dig his little knees and elbows into my thighs. He likes me to watch him run, just back and forth in the hallway, and tell him he is SO FAST! When he's done pooping, he screams at the top of his lungs, "I'M DONE!", which means someone come and wipe me. When I told him that he has to wipe his own butt in kindergarten, he said he just won't poop there... like he can help when he has to go. He says things like "a long time ago, when I was a daddy" or "a long time ago, when I was a baby" like that was only 5 years ago, Will. He says "thee" instead of the. He likes the LOLcats books, even though sometimes I think they might not be appropriate for his age. He gets VERY serious when he tells his sister what to do. He crosses his arms and closes his eyes and says, "you can't have rootbeer this late, em" like DUH. He has fake conversations on cell phones & says things like I would. He is obsessed with Spongebob & all shows on "31" and lastnight when we were watching Family Matters, he said he thought Eurkel's suspenders were cool. Then lastnight when I laid down with him in his bed, he said "I'm gonna dream about my birthday & presents. What are you gonna dream about mawmaw?" I didn't tell him but I wanted to dream about the day when I could put him to bed in his bed and sleep in my own :)

Will or Willa?!

2010-06-05T09:37:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I was going to blog about my life-altering PERIOD that I received (only having one a year brings on quite the FLOW) LOL! But I will spare you all the details.

Instead...yesterday I spent the day running errands with my kids and some things happened that got me thinking and laughing, at the same time.

We were in need of royal blue attire for Emily, who is trying out for cheerleading next week. Do you KNOW how hard it is to find royal blue stuff for cheerleading that won't have her ass or boobs hanging out like some little hussy -AND- it's cute and doesn't scream "I'M FROM THE BOY'S DEPARTMENT!" ???? Well, let me tell you: it was hard. But not impossible and we did come away with some cuteness. (I think Em should make the team just on her looks, but who am I to say?!) Then I had to get Will new flip flops b/c his gunboats are ginormica & he was walking around in last years model complete with his heels hanging off the back (mother of the year, I know, I know.)

While perusing all the visual mayhem of stores I noticed something... Will is drawn to girlie things. He likes the pretty dresses and usually mentions how we should get them for his cousin, Maggie. But sometimes... he wants them for himself. My usual response is "that's for girls" or "are you a man or a mouse" but should I be worried?? I think not. Girls clothes are better, prettier and more flashy than boy's so why wouldn't he be drawn to them?!

EXCEPT... when I paint my nails, he wants his toes done too (which I did paint black once and Boobs WAS NOT happy about it). He wants lotion massaged into his legs, often. I wants my pink razor phone over his Dad's manly tough one. He doesn't want a new Nintendo DS b/c his sister's pink one is great. The other day, when he was playing on the computer, I heard some very "girlie" music playing and witnessed my son blowdrying Barbie's hair.

BUT THEN... Will loves everything with wheels on it and wants to destroy everything. He likes to dig in the dirt and rough house. His favorite color is orange, NOT PINK. He doesn't want to grow his hair out, even just a little, b/c "that's for girls." He's starting to say "that's for girls" a lot. He likes to play Driver 3 and shoot everyone and crash cars. He likes to do everything that Daddy does. He has girlfriends, and more than one at a time :) All his bff's are boys. He doesn't really like stuffed animals.

So Will's not entirely "all boy" and he does get an awful lot of feminine influence in his life; but, still, he's my boy and whether he grows up to wear "Real Men Wear Pink" shirts or is always decked out in camo... I'll love him no matter what. Maybe he'll just turn out to be one incredible designer and I can get free clothes & free home makeovers & crap from my fashion-fabulous son...who knows?! The possibilities are endless...

Target Will Never Know

2010-06-02T10:14:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was finishing Eclipse, that I got from the library, and THEY DIDN'T HAVE BREAKING DAWN (the next book in the series)!! There were like 78 holds on the first copy returned and that meant it could be DAYS before I could continue my Edward-loving haze-like daydream/reality-to-me saga!! And we couldn't have that much time go by people!

So, I went down to my local Target store and bought the book after asking what their return policy was on books. Turns out you get 90 days with a receipt for a full refund. SCORE! I wouldn't need 9 days lady!! So I bought the book for like $15, read it, returned it and didn't feel bad AT ALL about it. Is that wrong? Who cares! I got my Edward-fix and that's all I cared about.

THEN...

Lastnight, I got the itch again! I felt dangerous. I felt like a crack head needing another fix. I felt unstoppable. I went to Target again ready to buy a book, read, return, repeat... except this time, my 14 y.o. stepdaughter wanted to go and with her there witnessing me break some like return-moral-code... I just couldn't bring myself to do it. What kind of example would I be setting?

SO... I came right home and put the book on hold at the library.

AND NEXT TIME... I will do my dirtywork SOLO!

Blasphemous Memorial Day

2010-06-01T14:14:00.002-04:00

Instead of thinking about soldiers & wars & sacrifice yesterday, I thought a lot about myself... sort of remembering me & what I like. I know it's self-centered... why do you think I didn't broadcast it to all the family I was around?! Also, my son's preschool marched in the parade & there was A LOT of waiting around for the line-up so my mind wondered. EXCUSE ME!

I like a quilt on my feet when they are hot. Something about the soft, cool fabric makes me smile.

I hate when a good book ends. Who knows when I will find the next one?? It could be DAYS!

I love taking pictures with my new sLr camera. But I'm afraid others won't like them b/c ultimately I would like to sell them.

I giggle inside when I hear my son laugh, like really belly-laugh.

I could veg-out in front of the tv constantly, if everyone would let me :)

I don't like being hot and sweating...so having a pool now is wonderful! I feel like I might actually enjoy summer this year.

I just realized I like "baby moons" & if you don't know what those are, don't feel left out. I didn't know either until Sunday.

When I was younger, I thought when I turned 30, I'd have my shit together.

Sometimes, I picture myself still in the Army, thinking about what I would be doing & I cringe. (worst time in my life!)

I like the veggies & dip at cook-outs more than anything else.

I sprinkle salt in my beer.

I want more tattoos but am nervous about my skin's reaction...last time I got a rash. Hope my dreams of having a sleeve won't be dashed.

I can't stand injustice, unfairness & people who betray me. Where's the trust?!

I like the drive-in movie theater better than watching movies at home.

I cannot take the feel of OFF on my skin for very long... I'd rather just go inside when the skeeters come out.

I love napping on rainy days the best... just wish I could figure out how to do that AND have the windows open...

I am starting to like BLACK coffee better than my mocha-choka-latte-yayas.

I have some color to my pastey-white skin for the 3rd time in my life... 1. Prom Senoir Year I tanned. 2. Worked at Fun Tan for awhile before I got married & earned free tanning. 3. Got a pool recently & spend all my time in it.

I like fountain pop better than any other.

And now Will wants milk so this is to be continued...

Will is a KINDERGARTENER!

2010-05-29T10:00:00.005-04:00

May 21st will go down in the record books at this house!! It was Will's preschool graduation. Daddy took a few hours off work, the grandma's were there and of course, Aint Kenj & Maggie too.

Mrs. Wurz marched the kids in while singing "The Ants Go Marching" and they lined up in front to perform it for us. It took Will a minute to realize we were all there but when he did, MAN, he smiled from ear to ear. They also performed "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" along with motions and it was hilarious.

Then they were led onto the stage, put on their graduation hats and performed a little ditty about each letter of the alphabet (I still say "F is for feather. Tickle, tickle, tickle.") Loved that.

Then everyone was given their diplomas. Each kid had to shake hands with the teachers, hugs were given, then handed their diplomas. When it was Will's turn, Mrs. Wurz said "we love that smile!" Yes, my heart melted.

Then it was audience participation time. We were supposed to sing & dance along with them but I was too busy capturing every moment with my awesome camera. But Memaw took video on her camera and I will try to upload it later when I get it.

Then (I just realized I am starting every "paragraph" with *then*---like this is all one big run-on sentence. My blog so whatev.) we all got ready to watch their video of the year. Will wasn't in it much b/c he started in March and not August but it was still cute and he LOVED it. (we bought a copy and officially watched it about 20 times later that day.) Mommys were sniffing and stuff all through it but I didn't cry til later when I was watching Will watch it AGAIN and listened to the words to the song playing (Let Them Be Little) and almost couldn't stop, realizing that Will won't be little forever. It's sad to think about but then I wonder what kind of man he will be....

Will got presents for graduation including a balloon (that Maggie bawled over when she had to give it up), dollars, pins, orange highliters, little gift bags, etc.... he was in heaven. When it was all over, I was sad. I knew it was like a right-of-passage thing (if that's how you spell it) and we were never to return here (until Memorial Day when Will & his class get to walk in the parade) but he will never be in preschool again :(

After the ceremony I knew that I wanted to spend time, just him & I. I took him to Waka Dog for hotdogs (cuz they're his "fravorite.") before taking him to see Shrek The Final Chapter...or is it Shrek Forever After?...anywho...

He wanted an Icee and candy and $25 later we were all set, sitting in the very back/top row, dead-center when Will spills his M&M's...DANG IT! Then after the Icee, a potty break... Will was so excited to be able to stand up and dance to the songs without having to worry about the people behind him...b/c there weren't any, HELLO! I watched his face more than the movie and got all weepy again but quickly focused back on Donkey and LOLed when he asked Gingy "what you talkin' 'bout cracker?!" :)

When we came out of the movie it was POURING down rain so, to Will, it was AWESOME that we got to run to our car, through the puddles and get soaking wet. YEAH!

We just spent the rest of the afternoon watching above mentioned video 20 times and looking at all his school work & special books he made. It was a good day.

The next morning, Will woke up ready to go to kindergarten and I sadly had to tell him that he had to wait until the end of AUGUST to go to school again. He didn't like that...but give him time. His PapaDodge bought him a big pool and his sister explained Summer Break so I think he might learn to like this... we'll see.

Em

2010-05-06T06:54:00.009-04:00

1. is MY step-daughter.
2. misses her Mommy.
3. is clumsy.
4. loves plain Hershey's chocolate.
5. always smells good.
6. likes post earrings the best.
7. has like 3 dressers & a built-in closet that are full.
8. is addicted to the Sims.
9. is a meat & potatoes girl.
10. can't stay in the lines when painting her nails.
11. doesn't really like condiments.
12. is too cute.
13. is gonna have to beat boys off with a stick.
14. is non-confrontational.
15. is Hilarious!
16. gets good grades.
17. collects Nancy Drew books.
18. likes to watch History channel shows with me.
19. still likes to read for fun.
20. asked for a Webkin for Easter.
21. likes hummus, which surprises me.
22. rarely cries (I can count on 1 hand the things she's cried about)
23. doesn't like being an unaccompanied minor.
24. can get tan and I'm jealous.
25. doesn't sing out loud & she should.
26. is a good big sister.
27. isn't interested in sports.
28. has a passport.
29. is kind of a pack rat.
30. isn't very organized.
31. puts a lot of products in her hair everyday.
32. brushes her teeth at a snails pace.
33. carries a ton of crap back & forth to school.
34. always gets re-takes of school pix.
35. can text faster than anyone I know.
36. knows she doesn't like beer...hmmmm...
37. Loves Pepsi.
38. is a fashionista.
39. can still wear clothes from Limited Too.
40. Loves to shop!
41. never really complains.
42. had to be taught how to hand-wash dishes.
43. didn't know who sang Can't Touch This.
44. is going to go to Marian.
45. volunteers twice a month at her church.
46. was raised Catholic & went to St. Bavo.
47. fell off a stationary bike.
48. fell down the stairs last week.
49. was in a published movie of Mickey Gilley.
50. has been on a cruise.
51. once got bangs & it wasn't good.
52. looks fabulous with her hair up.
53. has never plucked her eyebrows.
54. can play Sims, text, watch tv and listen to her iPod all at once.
55. naps regularly.
56. has a HUGE tote of Polly Pockets she is saving for her daughter one day.
57. has the most blankets of anyone I know.
58. still sleeps with blankie & burper.
59. took $100 on Spring Break and gave $75 back.
60. is very frugal with her money.
61. favorite movie is The Wizard of Oz.
62. was once Dorothy for Halloween.
63. has no cavities.
64. is blind as a bat.
65. was once afraid of the water and grass.
66. is obsessed with socks, even mismatched ones.
67. has no endurance for running.
68. makes fun of one of her teachers & it cracks me up.
69. used to faint.
70. can't really ride a bike.
71. loves her some flip flops.
72. is quite the little Cinderella.
73. likes reality tv, especially TLC.
74. can be scared easily...boo!
75. probably has over 1000 chapsticks & lipgloss.
76. eats as much as her Dad & is still skinny.
77. has 3 younger brothers.
78. has a subscription to National Geographic.
79. saves cards.
80. can't wear low-cut shirts anymore.
81. always wears a cami under everything.
82. once had a gender-confused rabbit.
83. had a cat, Buddy, that she would dress up.
84. made a movie of Buddy on YouTube & made him a MySpace page.
85. just found out she loves Robin Eggs.
86. does NOT eat salads, ever.
87. gets up early for school to dry her hair.
88. is waiting at the window 15 minutes before her ride comes.
89. has all uncles, 5 of them.
90. once said if she became president everything would be free.
91. called Andrew Jackson "Triangle Head"
92. still wears the ring I gave her on her Dad & I's wedding day.
93. read scripture at that wedding.
94. when I gave her cream soda for the 1st time & she called it candy in a can.
95. was born the year Aunt Kenj graduated from high school.
96. was born when I was a freshman in high school.
97. has had toe surgery.
98. wears size 9 rings.
99. sleeps in the top bunk.
100. is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

Told ya so!!

2010-05-05T10:58:00.003-04:00

Monday seemed to be an "ordinary" day (if that exsists) in this crazy turn my life has taken...Granny with cancer, fighting within the family, exhaustion & stress...

I took the kids to school. I talked on the phone. I made bugs-on-a-log for lunch b/c Will learned about bugs at school. SuperMom, right? Took a nap. Started dinner ON TIME and went to the chiropractor, which, was severely needed after our family walked a gazillion miles Saturday at the Museum of Science & Industry in Chicago. Upon my return, hubby follows shortly after getting the mail. I hear him rip into an envelope in the kitchen and say, very dramatically, HUH. (not a question, more like just a response) HUH. So I go in there to see what's up.

Dear Mrs. Trethewey,

Your license has been suspended indefinately due to the speeding ticket you received on 3/10/10 (which was NOT paid...more on that in a sec) The court below has issued the BMV to notify you of this suspension. A court order is required to reinstate your privileges. Call them with questions YADA YADA YADA!

Sincerely, the BMV

Really?! what the...

WELL, On March 10, 2010 I was stopped for speeding in a well-known local speed trap. This was the 1 year anniversary of my step-daughter's mother dying and needless to say the morning wasn't a good one. So, while the kids were at school, I decided to take a little time for myself at the local Panera with my computer. When it was time to log off and go get Will at preschool, the computer took FOREVER to shut down and then my coffee kicked in. So, I was running late and driving fast. Apparently, the cop that pulled me over was a city cop who had been recently arrested for domestic violence by county cop (which is what my brother-in-law is, a county cop). So, he was all crabby and not in the mood to "let anyone go" and wasn't issuing Warnings that day. So I drive away, crying and LATER THAN EVER to get Will. I realize the ticket will cost close to $200. Geezow!

So, what's a poverty stricken girl to do? Call her bro-n-law County Brownie and have him "fix" it. So he does, at least we thought.

Apparently, the prosecutor stopped the ticket (made the call to have my ticket pulled before getting into the computer system) but the ratard making minimum wage at the Traffic Violations office dropped the ball and my info straight into the system. Dang it!

So, in reality, I just didn't pay the ticket = license suspended.

(Now more calls have been placed, more promises made, more stress in my life and more work for my sister ---taking kids to school and whatnot --- and now we wait... supposedly it should be reinstated within the week... we shall see.)

Oh and my hubby, who's all straight and narrow and morally correct, wanted me to just pay the damn thing and move on. Did I listen to him? No. And yes, he did say to me (while I was staring off into space trying to mentally make plans for rides indefinately) Told ya so.

Freakin' lead foot.
Freakin' Mr. Right.

Granny

2010-04-28T14:20:00.002-04:00

The little things, you do to me, are
Taking me over, I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me is
Like a nervous heart, that, is crazy beatin
My feet are stuck here, against the pavement
I wanna break free, I want you to make it
Closer to your eyes, get your attention
Before you pass me by

Back up, back up
Take another chance
Don’t you mess up, mess up
I don’t wanna lose you
Wake up, wake up
This aint just a thing that you
Give up, give up
Don’t you say that I’d be
Better off, better off
Sittin by myself and wonderin
If I'm better off, better off, without you, no

Please don't leave me hanging on...

And every time you notice me
Holdin it closely and sayin sweet things
I don't believe it, that it could be
You speakin your mind and sayin the real things
My feet wanna break free, and I should be leavin
I'm not gonna stand here, watchin you losin
But I won't forget you
So don't make me think this
Was just a waste of time

So back up, back up
Take another chance
Don’t you mess up, mess up
I don’t wanna lose you
Wake up, wake up
This aint just a thing that you
Give up, give up
Don’t you dare say that I’d be
Better off, better off
Sittin by myself and wonderin
If im better off better off, with out you, no

Kendra

2010-04-17T12:06:00.003-04:00

1. You are the bestest sister-friend ever.
2. You're 33 today and you're wonderful.
3. You are all fidgety and adjusty a lot.
4. You have a horrible back but help me whenever I ask.
5. You hardly ever answer your phone which drives me crazy.
6. You are a texting fool... 5 to my 1.
7. You are a sucker for magazines galore.
8. You poop more and longer than anyone in history.
9. You are all nice and non-confrontational.
10. You allow me to be me and love me anyway.
11. You let me pick your bathroom reads and appreciate them.
12. You don't dig shopping for clothes for yourself but the Midget Princess, yes.
13. You have to have good shoes...not fancy ones and I'm sad about that.
14. You once ripped my hair out by the roots and I totally didn't deserve it.
15. You hold grudges but never with me.
16. You have become quite the little chef and I'm impressed.
17. You are upset about your weight but I say screw it.
18. You hair ROCKS especially when it's that deep reddish color. Sexy.
19. Until recently I didn't realize how GREEN your eyes are. Nice.
20. You should finish your speech pathology degree. I'll babysit the Magster.
21. You obsess about Tim McGraw but HELLO, worth it!
22. You write very well, so quit bitchin' about your blog.
23. You love sweatshirts and hate to sweat.
24. You are a very good Aint...Will worships the ground you strut on.
25. You have an inner black chick always waiting to come out.
26. You make me laugh and I love that.
27. You called to get my bill wiped clean to B.O.W. with palms sweating. Thank you.
28. You have lovely fingernails. Jealous.
29. You wear a toe ring constantly and that surprises me for some reason.
30. You value convenience and that's cool.
31. Everyone loves you and you're a good person to the core.
32. You still love to color and got me hooked.
33. Today is your day and your gift from me is kick-ass! Would you expect anything else?!

Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah, Blah Blah Blah, Yada Yada

2010-03-24T09:20:00.004-04:00

I wanted to blog about my son's dumb preschool teacher & my teenagers psycho teachers but I am too distracted from the day I had yesterday:

+++I was late taking the kids to school b/c I had to pump gas super slow into my 1988Grand Marquis.

+++My Granny is in the hospital and I am in charge of emailing everyone this side of the Mississippi and got criticized for it...Bite me.

+++Sometimes the people you think are your friends just aren't...someone I trusted threw me under the bus...Where does friendship end and business begin?

+++I was late picking my son up from school...And when I apologized to the teacher, she mentioned charging me $5 for being late...then they tell me how the kids couldn't go outside to play b/c some drunk guy was passed out in the flowers.

+++My stepdaughter threw my house key in my seat which fell down into it and out of site; so, for awhile Will & I were locked out.

+++My son is still on "new-toy-overload" from his birthday party this past weekend and literally goes from one thing to the next like some crazy person...then says he's bored.

+++I only got to see my husband lastnight for about 10 minutes before I was off to the church ~again~ to go to class (I love the class so it was fine really) but if I don't get "alone time" with him soon, he might divorce me.

+++I am like "co-leading" the photo team at church (or whatever my unofficial title is)& needed to get pictures of the class and a certain old lady was all crabby and rude about her being in pictures...just stand there and smile grey-head.

+++Then my husband calls to tell me my kitchen is a disaster area b/c the freezer was leaking everyday and he finally tore it apart so, all our food is in coolers and spread all over the counter tops.

+++Someone basically told me ~again~ that the problem was me and not her...which isn't true but she's not living in reality.

+++Everyone was in bed when I got home from class so I caught up on my blog reading and this one was so sad that I bawled my eyes out until 1:30 am thinking about how ungrateful I've been.

+++I crawled into my sons bed with him and held him and cried, asking for forgiveness for not being the best mom I can be (he wasn't awake b/c it probably would have scared him)

+++I got 5 hours of sleep lastnight and my eyes are totally swollen.

Somedays, life. is. crap.

Who are you and what have you done with my son?

2010-03-16T09:52:00.005-04:00

I realized yesterday that my 4 y.o. son has become quite the little smart-mouth. I pick him up from preschool, snack in tow like the good mommy that I am, and after being confronted in the parking lot by his teacher about how Will might fail kindergarten because he sucks at cutting with scissors yada yada (whatever), I pull away to the sweet sound of Will throwing his cup on the floorboard and saying, "I -said- I wanted orange juice!" Oh ok, so go thirsty then.

We park in front of the camera store (so I can get my new fancy, hoity toity sLr camera lens looked at) and Will states, or more like DEMANDS his own new, fancy camera...this is coming from a 4 Y.O. WHO WAS GIVEN THE SAME CAMERA THAT HIS 32 Y.O. AUNT HAS "mindyou"!! What a freakin brat! Then as I'm trying to talk to the photo/camera GENEius (cuz its Gene's Camera Store...ha ha ha) Will starts begging for a gumball. Sorry, no quarter kid and even if I did, so help me... When I politely turn to leave and Gene says loudly over my son who's *still* asking for a gumball, "Can I do anything else for you?" I say, "Well, besides get rid of that damn candy machine, no."

Next, we head over to the "best bakery ever aka most expensive bakery ever" to order Will's birthday cake for Saturday. I have never ordered a cake before but I'm a little tired this year and thought I'd shake things up a bit. So upon entering this mecca of confectionary dreams, Will begins leaning on the glass cases covering up the "Do Not Lean on Cases" sign. I repeat this sentence at least 20 times in 5 minutes. The 90 y.o. lady begins taking my order and right after she says they don't make banana cake (which is what Will's little heart desired) she proceeds to tell me that the cake is $33.00 plus tax. WTH? Are the cakes made from golden eggs or what biotch?! Good lord! And so I turn to tell Will how we won't be getting a cake from them, he starts to melt down and Granny Baker stems it off with offering him a donut (perfect. what else says behave than a free donut?) So I look in the case too and pick out the biggest chocolate donut this side of the Mississippi and guess what?? GRANNY CHARGED ME FOR MINE!! That's right...she put them *both* in a bag and says, "that'll be 50 cents." Can I get a break?? I mean really.

Next we head over to our friendly neighborhood second-hand music store looking for Atlantis Squarepantis---yes, that's the real title. Upon entering, Will quickly sees arcade games and of course starts harrassing me for quarters. I quickly look around for something for my husband (he started work this week and I wanted to get him something in appreciation of his manual labor) and Will points out a Nascar PS2 game. Perfect. I pay. We walk outside and I ask Will if he thinks Daddy will like what we got him and I get a "Its not Daddy's! It's mine!" Lovely.

Now I'm starving and extra-super bitchy and need to eat...so we meet Kendra and Granny who just got done with Granny's pre-op (surgery is scheduled for 3/17 to remove cancerous girlie parts). While going thru the maze to get to the front of the line, Will zones in on the kids meal toys and starts making his requests known to all. I should have just left at this point---not left Will alone, but left the public-eye and took his ass home and put him to bed. But I didn't. I was still hoping the little demon inside would catch my drift and leave willingly but that never happened at Wendy's! Will gets this toy thats actually cool and I feel bad for the lady who gave it to him because she had to endure his dirty looks and pouty faces. Will's Aint Kenj asks me WTH was going on?? She said he must have left his 3 brain cells at school...omg, you have no idea.

Last stop was the cake store---because I *HAVE* to make the cake b/c no one on God's green earth makes a banana cake that middle-class Americans can afford. So I set Will loose on the cake decorations while I sit down and look thru the newest edition of some stupid cake decorating magazine. He picked thru all the little plastic treat toppers for cakes, mixing them all together and giving the lady working there a heartattack. He got a speedometer, an orange music note, a hotdog, traffic signs, a boombox, fries and a coke (without the smile). I bought it all for $4 because at this point, I didn't give a CRAP what went on the cake Saturday...I just wanted to go home.

++Then, my sister bought me a Skooner(BIG BEER)++

Then the second best part of the whole day...Will doesn't like his new orange room! We painted it for his birthday and got new bedding and new toy drawers and still---the kid's unsatisfied. So, lastnight he says he just wants a whole new house. Don't we all kid?! I just turned off the light and shut the door, speechless (if you know me, you know that's a miracle).

So after everyone was nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of creepy leprechans dancing in their heads, I took all of Will's toys away except about 6 cars, a play cell phone, a mini nerf gun and a harmonica. And of course I kept his books because we can't have him failing kindergarten now can we?! (Not to worry... all the toys are in our basement, waiting to be earned back by Will's good behavior, into the land of the living).

So this morning, Will gets up, comes into the livingroom and sits with me, all sleepy-eyed and cute while I explain the deal. He answers me and it even makes sense. We go in his room to get ready for school and he turns around with *major* attitude, hands on hips and demands "WHERE'S MY TOYS?!" Precious.