Tamis cancer kickin blog

One Year

2010-02-28T22:46:00.000-06:00

Before Tami passed away, she told me that she wanted me to continue this blog for 1 year after she passed away. Even then she knew what I might need going forward, and even then as always she was looking after everyone more than even herself. It's been nice to have another place to just say things, put them down in text, get them out of my head. Maybe she knew how much it helped her that she knew it would help me, and it has, so much so that earlier I was worried about closing this blog that it would be another lose I would have to go through.

After 1 year, I am ready to close this blog, close this chapter and move forward. Never forget, never ever forget, but move forward the way I think Tami would have wanted me to. At least the way she would have wanted me to given the circumstances. A lot of things have changed since me and her talked about the possibilities of the future, some we could have foreseen, some that maybe we didn't. Regardless, I am trying the very best I can to be a better person for all my friends and family.

As for the day itself, it seems pretty weird, parts of this journey seem so fresh like the happened yesterday, and at other times it seems like a million years ago. I honestly am not sure how I made it this far with everything that has happened, or how I am gonna make it any farther with everything still going on. Old freinds have come back into my life, new friends have emerged, the future has its bright spots and yet still has some that are pretty foggy, but I guess that is the same for a lot of people.

I took the day to do something I don't often do, I dwelled on it all, I felt sorry for myself, I didn't take any calls or texts or anything (well I answered one from Sarah, but I didn't want her to worry and I knew she would drive all the way here if I didn't respond). Going forward I am going to continue doing what I have been, using everything I have learned and start working on the future.

I still don't think I am as strong as that woman that climbed out of the hospital bed we had setup for her, and walked over to the couch to be next to me on what would be her last night on this earth. I know that I am stronger than I was before all this happened. I know that I can take something positive out of something horrible and I know that at the very least Tami would be happy for that. Tami would be happy to know her little girl is about to give birth to her first child and that she is already showing signs of being a great mom. Tami would be happy to know that she is reflected in so many aspects of our lives still and that she hasn't been forgotten, and that she cant be because we are all better people for having known her.

Thanks to everyone that has been there for all of us. I hope that I can return the favor at some time in the future, but under better circumstances.

James Blunt - Carry You Home

I am going to leave comments open for about a week, then I will lock down the blog and back it up just in case Google ever decides to purge inactive blogs.

Almost a year

2010-02-20T00:24:00.002-06:00

Hard to believe its almost been a year, doesn't seem real some days, at times I have to convince myself she isn't going to be waiting at home for me. Things just keep moving forward, that part of my life is frozen back then, but everything around me just pushes on, sometimes making me feel like I have been left behind.

I think I have a lot to look forward to, and I think I have learned a lot about myself, and about people, who will stick by me when they say they are going to, and those that maybe not so much. I didn't expect anything special, but I got a couple special people in my life now. Its a great feeling to have someone to count on, who knows where everything will go in the coming days, months, years...

Thanks to those of you that where there when I didn't know I needed you, and left me alone when I didn't need you there (but I always knew you were there if I reached out). 8 more days, and I will close this blog... its hard to put into words what that means, at times it was like a open wound, other times it was like memories trapped here forever for me to hold on to...

Thought a lot about what my last post will be like, at first i thought short and sweet, then i thought different... I dont know, we will just see how Feb 28th, 2010 goes.

2009.... glad to see you go

2009-12-31T22:54:00.002-06:00

I dunno what to say about this year, I mean on so many levels it sucked, and continued to suck right up until now. I was lucky enough to get a wonderful christmas gift from my employer of 13 years as I was part of a reduction in workforce a week before the 25th. I was in shock, but now I think if a company can do that to someone, and not just me, that close to Christmas, then I don't think I need to be there anymore. Funny thing is Tami called it, she told me that if anything happens to her that I should get out of there... I can her her saying "told you so, didn't I". So I look towards 2010 to hopefully bigger and better things.

Dont get me wrong, there have been small moments of okayness in '09, but all the badness seems out weight all of it. I just have to point my nose forward towards 2010 and hope for smoother sailing. I wont forget things in the past that I have been through, but I think its my turn to have a little positive come about. I know I have to work hard to make it happen, and I will... but I need my luck to change to... enough of this "if it can go wrong it will", time to move forward on many fronts.

I have things to look forward to, personal projects, new and old friends coming into my life, a new job... I am moving forward... I will come out of this okay, 2010 will be my year or I will die trying ;)

See you all next year! :) Happy New Year..... gawd I hope so...

The holidays... they suck rocks

2009-12-02T23:07:00.004-06:00

I love Christmas, love love love it, I know people bitch about the costs, the busy stores, the cold weather, etc, but I love it... I love putting up lights, the tree decorations, making cookies with the kids, all of it. But this year its a little tougher, the Christmas movies with the sappy moments are impossible for me to watch right now, I can only do a little bit at a time, its hard to dress up the house for me a couple dogs and a cat.

I think I have pushed myself pretty hard to move forward, and its all rushing back on me now. I think I stepped places I wasn't ready to step yet, but I am always pushing myself harder than I should, putting higher expectations up for myself than I do others. I am trying to pull the reins in a little and focus on myself, something I am not good at, its tough cuz I dont think everyone gets that, I mean get the token "I lost someone too, I know what its like" but really I dont know how it is for them, they dont know how it is for me.

Thanksgiving went well, better than I expected, I managed to make Tami's stuffing, it was a little too moist and over seasoned, but I saw people go back for seconds, whether they were pitty seconds I dont know, I doubt it though. Everything went well though. I had a good time, I think the kids did as well. I got to hold 2 babies at once while everyone else ate, 2 babies that Nana never got to old, and I feel horribly guilty about that... and I hope nobody saw my eyes get a little juicy, I moved alot so I dont think anyone noticed...

I started Christmas shopping, each year it seems we gain more grandbabies, and each year money is spread a little thinner, this year doubly so, I'm not complaining, besides the fact I would like to buy everyone everything they want, but I am thinking I will have to be pretty skimpy, I know its not the amount you buy or spend, but I always like watching the kids open up presents, and the more they have to open the longer they stay at the house...

I still dont know how I am gonna make it thru the next couple months, sometimes I feel like I am having trouble breathing, I can feel myself stressed beyond belief, I stop communicating mid conversation just cuz I ball up on the couch, and they get mad at me, but there is nothing I can do, I gotta do what I gotta do or I wont make it through Christmas Eve alone... New years Eve alone, I have to, I have to do this year alone so maybe next year I can do them with someone...

PS, if you noticed you have to log in to leave a comment now, sorry but someone was hitting older posts with spam so I had to do it.

Citizen Norm

2009-11-23T22:58:00.002-06:00

So today I went for my Interview for Citizenship in Chicago, and I am now unofficially an American Citizen, I still have to go for my ceremony in Springfield the next time the do one, but my application was approved today. It's a little bittersweet, like everything else, I know it was important to Tami that I get that done, and I did, but she wasn't here to see it. It's nice to have another thing off the worry list though, specially this time of year.

Next up? Thanksgiving dinner... ack! It hit me a couple days ago that I have to pull all this together with out her, I was always a gopher and she was the planner, now I have to do both, means cooking stuff I don't even eat, and I have to sit down with Tami's instructional video we made last year on how to make her stuffing. I am sure everything will be fine, as fine as it can be, but its just another one of those firsts to bust through.

November 16th

2009-11-16T17:49:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday Tami...

Here we are...

2009-11-09T23:37:00.003-06:00

It's still so surreal everyday, everything that happens to me, everything I go thru, good and bad. Here I am closing in on 9 months, Tami's Birthday, Thanksgiving. Just when I think everything is going fine it all hits me all over again. I guess the toughest thing for me now is over analyzing myself, questioning my actions, judging myself. It's not like I am doing anything bad, its just moving forward and trying to determine if I am doing things right, I know I am the only one that will know what that is, and nobody else's opinion should impact that, that said I am my own worst critic.

Me and Tami talked about so much, and I dont know what if any of it she shared with others close to her, about how she wanted me to move forward, to carry on, to act going forward. So many things seem so very uncomfortable without her around, and what is so very disturbing at times is the things that are starting to feel comfortable without her. I know that's part of the healing and that is where I am supposed to be headed, but it feels like I am lossing little bits of Tami by becoming independent of her.

So here I am, trying to find myself in this new environment, trying to figure out who I am now, and where I am heading, so tough looking back and seeing all the little forks in the road and where they might have taken you, and looking forward realizing how profound choices are it makes it tough to move, and then when you do, peoples reactions can send you into a head spin just thinking of what might or could happen. It really comes down to being a very daunting task heading out alone.

Isn't it sad...

2009-11-01T22:03:00.002-06:00

Isn't it sad the the roots of Chemotherapy can be traced back to the use of Mustard gas used to kill people back in World War I, the fact that we spend so much on military and killing people and we accidentally found out it can help with Cancer, Imagine where we would be if all that money was spent in the War on Cancer. Dont take me wrong, I am not naive, I know that we need a military, that the world is not mature enough to survive without military might, but just take a second to imagine what the collective world powers could do with Cancer if they really tried... nice dream isnt it.

8 months later and I am still kicking... another first down, awaiting the next...

Happy Aniversary Tami...

2009-10-14T07:32:00.001-05:00

14 years ago today...

Entering Fall...

2009-10-07T08:51:00.005-05:00

So the weekend before last was the Apple Pork Fest in Clinton, me and Tami would go every year, I would usually complain about it but we always went and it was always fun regardless. Luckily this year I was able to trick Deb into going with me, I had asked her a while back if she would help me close the pool. So she came down that same weekend, helped me close the pool and we went and walked around the festival for a while. It was a good time. And that Sunday turned out to be a great day.

Beyond that I have been doing pretty good, keeping busy with the new position at work, and trying to adjust my personal life from eating out every meal to getting back to cooking for myself, which hasn't been easy, or the least bit successful. I am feeling like its about time for another family get-together, maybe a spaghetti night or something.

Its hard to believe its Fall already, that the leaves are turning and that its almost what would have been mine and Tami's 14th anniversary. I did decide to do something special for it. One of Tami's biggest fears is that she would eventually be forgotten or not thought about. It was hard to comfort her and assure her that wouldn't happen. So here we are close to the 14th and it hit me, I always wanted a Tattoo, I never knew of what really, probably something goofy or geeky knowing me, but then it hit me "Nothing Else Matters". It made perfect sense. What better way to make sure everyone knew I would never forget by wearing that on my arm forever. I couldn't think of a better way. So a friend turned me on to "I'm no Angel" in Peoria with an artist named Wanda who had been doing this for 20+ years. Every bit of it was a perfect experience, during the design she knew what wanted better than I did, and she was a funny and all around great person to have given me my first tattoo. Did it hurt? Inside my arm was pretty tender but lets say what Tami went thru for a year and a half makes anything I have did that night pail in comparison.

My mom will probably ground me when she finds out but that's ok, wont be the first time :).

Hello all

2009-09-20T23:06:00.002-05:00

Hello blog world, well it's 11pm on a Sunday, probably the worst time of the week, the weekends over, any fun or excitement I had this weekend has dwindled away. Everyone is asleep or heading to bed shortly, the work week is about to take off and I am just alone, so I figured I'd come post more randomness.

I was thinking about this blog the other day, and the fact that I have not changed much about what Tami set up sometime ago when she began her fight. And I was thinking that maybe it would be misleading if someone new came along and started reading it only to see where it is at now.

Now lets say even if I wanted to edit the description of the blog that I could, what would I put, I dont think anything but what Tami wrote fits any better. At first thought you might think that she lost the battle, and certainly she was taken away from me, all of us, but I like to think she won it the only way she could. She beat cancer the only way she could in the fact that it no longer causes her pain or makes her suffer.

I would hope that this blog would give others strength and hope, even though its outcome isn't the best case scenario, sometimes things just dont work out the way we want them to. I know that she has given me so many gifts to move forward in life.

So there you go, some random musings once again, sitting here alone and thinking about everything and nothing at all.

Good Night All, and have a good week...

Patrick Swayze and other random musings....

2009-09-16T21:10:00.002-05:00

We lost yet another one, I am sure everyone heard about Patrick Swayze of course. It should just be an eye opener to everyone how deadly and how little we really know about cancer. I still feel bad, when someone mentioned Patrick Swayze way back when, how terrible it was he had cancer, and I would say something like I wish we had all his money to deal with it, it didn't help him, and after his TV special when he talked about his ordeal and how it mirrored Tami's I knew that money doesn't buy love, or life.

Fun Patrick Swayze Memory

So I'm doin pretty good, I feel like I really mad a big turn at 6 months, as well as some things I have read and just all the self-reflection my free time allows. The big thing is what do I want to do with this part of my life, dwell on sadness or turn my attention towards taking what good I can from everything and make a better person out of myself. I think the second one sounds better. That has nothing to do with forgetting Tami or anything like that, that would never happen, but I need to take her advice, and move forward, find people and things to channel myself in. I asked Nancy at work if I could run next year, so next year I will do the Bloomington to Peoria run for St Jude again, I want to be active in the fund raising and make a difference. On that note, Sept 28 is "The Big Day" at all Chilli restaurants, all proceeds from that day go to St Jude's so treat yourself to dinner or lunch that day.

Anyways, as I said I am doin good, work has been hectic, but thats good for me, I made a freind or 2 and its good to talk with someone my age and that can relate to me on an adult level, not that I would trade my discussion of the Bloomington sewage treatment plant with McKayla and Korban for the world, but you know, a freind is a nice thing to have.

You also might have noticed I am not updating every weekend, I am trying to break my cycles, to do things when I feel like it, not because I scheduled it. Anyways, thanks to everyone that stops by and leaves a comment of support, its all really appreciated even still.

6 months...

2009-08-30T22:59:00.003-05:00

So for those of you not on my Facebook, here is a link to a little video I put together.

Tribute to Tami

As well, here is a link to the Kenny Wallace Fan car he ran in Montreal this weekend, I had Tami's name put on there, and she ended up top row, almost in the middle on the hood, pretty cool.

Kenny Wallace Fan Car

So here we are at 6 months, it still boggles my mind that we are, one, even here doing this, two that I have been doing it for 6 months. I really braced myself for the 28th. I mean really prepped myself for the worst. I was kinda down most of the week, then come Friday morning, I woke up to a gloomy rainy day and thought, Tami would be pissed that I am giving this day any credit at all, and she would be right. It's tough not to count, but then I am doing what she told me not to do, and that is to keep living in cancer.

I feel like I might have turned a corner Friday, of course soon as I say that I will be curled up in the corner in the fetal position, but right now I feel like I want to move forward, I want to start living with the tings I learned from this whole experience, to take what good is possible out of this and make myself a better person. That doesn't mean I stop thinking about, loving or remembering Tami. Heck I will never stop loving Tami, anyone that might come into my life in the future will have to accept that, and to be honest I wouldn't want any friends in my life that couldn't understand and/or accept that. I am who I am today because of Tami, nothing can change that now.

So I think I want to move forward, stop letting cancer have anymore of my life, remember the good and happy times me and Tami shared, open myself to enjoy good and happy times now, and create good and happy times for my freinds and family. Tami beat cancer, not how she wanted to, she would have rather beat it and stayed with all of us, but that wasn't in the cards, and she beat it the only way she could. She doesn't have cancer anymore, she isn't in pain, or taking poison, she beat cancer.

I want to continue to honor Tami when and where I can, I think the best way to do that now is to show how much of a better person I am having known her. I learned so much about myself, good and bad, and I hope to make sure I remember all those lessons going forward.

Inspired

2009-08-23T21:36:00.003-05:00

So Liz's response to my last post has inspired me to thank some people that either I haven't taken the time to, haven't had a chance to, or haven't thanked enough. Now this is just a partial list, and by no means could I thank everyone that help me and Tami out in one blog post. As well, this isn't in any order nor is it meant to say anyone was more appreciated than anyone else, so no hurt feelings if I dont include you, anyone that did anything, from a simple card to whatever has my thanks and gratitude for life, I'm just not good and following thru on these things, so I am gonna give it a shot today, why now, cuz I rather not focus on the coming week.

So Liz Hunter, I am gonna start with you as you inspired this post. I know how much you meant to Tami how much of a freind you were to her during her treatments. That you two talked alot and shared alot, me and Tami were best friends, and didn't feel the need to have a lot of friends outside of that. That was all well and good when things were fine, but when we started going through all this we found out that friends weren't a bad thing to have. I know that Tami was able to talk with Liz when she needed to talk to someone, and that someone outside the family sometimes has a different perspective, and I knew Tami greatly appreciated this. I know that Liz was a true friend to Tami and that Tami could trust her to be there for her. I found out the hard way that some people that claim to be freinds aren't always as true, but thats for another post. Anyways, as we got near the end Liz was a huge help to both of us, she was there when we needed someone and she did things that I didn't expect of her, and I cant say enough how much I appreciate it. Liz I am not good about returning calls, I haven't ignored one from you, believe it or not I just missed them. I am sorry I haven't talked to you in the past 6 months, you deserve better from me, and I am very grateful that you were in our lives.

My big sisters, Sherry and Deb (actually Tami's sisters but dont tell). Both of you are very different, and were there for us and me in very different ways, but every moment you gave to us was special and I cant thank you both enough for all of it. Deb, your phone calls always brought a smile to my face even at the lowest points. The support you gave me I could never repay in a million years. Sherry, all the times you came down to help Tami, to take her to appointments or near the end to just be with her, I cant explain how much that meant to us, and how much that help not just Tami but me. The trip to Mayo ended crappy but the journey was at least bearable with your love and support. The support you gave not only Tami, but me was so huge I cant put into words what it meant, you didn't have to be there for me, you dont have to be there for me, but you were, and still are and I cant ever thank you enough. The dinners, the trips, the benefit, Grubbyland Candles, all of it. Thank You.

Sarah, my daughter. I dont know what it was, or why, but she was my little girl from the day I met her Feb 7th, 1995. I dont know why or how, and I can look back on the times that things were a little rough, she didn't make it easy for me, trust me. But then again what teenager makes it easy on their parents anyways? I know I made it rough for mine many times. But I dont think I really understood what our relationship had become till all this happened with her mom. She was there for me as much as she was for her mom, she allowed me the honor of walking her down the asile at her wedding, when I needed someone to talk to she was and is there for me, when I needed it she shows me tough love, I always worried that I would never feel that unconditional love you have with a child, because I was just a step father, she proved me wrong on that, that I could make mistakes and she wouldn't disown me, that I am her father, and she is my daughter. I dont know how I would have made it through these past few months without her around. And I cant thank her enough for all she has done for me, and for being Sarah.

Nancy Hoover, Nancy is a character, I need only tell the story of my first encounter with her at OSP, remember Nancy? The phone call you had me make? yeah, no worries I wont go into it. Tami loved Nancy since the time they started talkin after Tami started making candles, they became friends, and when all this began, Nancy was a big help were she could be. Anytime anything went on at work, after Tami made sure I was okay, she would always ask about Nancy. I know that Nancy did a lot to help us out where she could and that she talked with Tami quite a bit as well. Nancy also came over to stay with Tami in the end, and I know how much Tami appreciated everything you did for us. I hide a lot of stuff from OSP, saying things were going okay when they might not have been as okay as I let on, but in the end Nancy really helped us out, and even now keeps on trying to help, and I am still as stubborn as ever, luckily Nancy has got me beat on the stubborn front.

Vicki Maurer, I hope I spelled her last name right. Vicki works with Dr Benson at Northwestern in Chicago. Now anyone that knows me, knows how critical I am of medical personnel, nurses, doctors, etc. There are many that we encountered that I would not take my dogs to if there was an emergency. That is not to say there weren't good, great people out there as well. Vicki was great, if not the greatest person we came across. Its hard to find light in the darkness of chemo treatments, but Vicki made them bearable, she made herself available for us anytime, even when we called with a problem or request she did her very best to make those requests happen. I wish I had never met anyone in this cancer field, but because I had to, I am glad that Vicki was part of that. And I stand by one of my last statements to Dr Benson, she deserves a big fat raise. I pray that no one has to go thru what we have gone thru, but I know the fact is that some will. If you are lucky, you will have an angel like Vicki taking care of you or your loved one. One day I will get back up there and thank her in person.

Mom & Dad, everyone expects their parents to do everything they can for you, not everyone has parents that will. I do, they have been nothing but perfect thru everything I have been thru, not just for me, their son, but Tami as well. I know Tami felt loved, and that Tami felt as if they were her parents as well. In the last 2 years, they came down a total of 3 times from Canada to help us out, the last time at little more than a moments notice to be here for me and Tami when she slipped away. Tami got her favorite mom meal just days before she passed away, and I can imagine having been alone in the days after. I dont thank my parents enough, but they dont do it for the thanks, they just do it because that's who they are. If I am half the man my dad is, I'll be doin okay in life.

There was so many more people I could and will thank in time, this is just a small list of those people, and I hope people see this for just that, and that if I didnt list you yet, that your help is not appreciated.

This will be a tough week, everyone tells me not to count the days, or mark the dates, I cant help it, it just pops up.

As a side note, and at the risk of sounding a little crazy, I think I heard Tami on Saturday night, just a word, but I think it was her. Least that's my story, and I am sticking with it...

Busy Weekend

2009-08-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

SO we managed to celebrate 3 birthdays this weekend, it was Kj's, Mckayla's and Skylar's. I had a cookout at the house and everybody managed to show up and it was a good time, least I had a good time, I am still having a lot of trouble though, when I get by myself, it just seems to eat me up. If I can keep busy I do ok, but even then its not a fail safe, the gym is even starting to wear off as a good distractions, I aint stopping though I feel good physically going, but I need to work on my iPod and make a good workout mix, I will be doing good and James Blunt will come on and punch me in the stomach.

So the depression is been tough, I still not sure why though, I mean maybe it's the 6 months thing, I dont know, maybe it just feels like everyone is moving forward, and I dont know how to. I mean so many things have changed around me in 6 months, maybe some have just gone back to normal and I still dont know what normal is. I miss having everyone around, and I used to have alot more visits when Tami was still here, now its just me somedays and it gets lonely.

These birthdays just mark the beginning of a tough up and coming 6 months, more birthdays, Tami's birthday, my birthday, anniversary, etc...

Only 6 more months of updates here too, It's going to feel weird when I dont update here anymore, Tami's wishes were for me to continue this blog for a year. Which reminds me, 10 days and it will have been 2 years since Tami was diagnosed. She fought so much harder than she was allowed to live for, I cant even put into words for those of you who haven't been around 24/7 someone battling something so harsh. I am still very proud of her, and hope that she was truely proud of me.

I miss her a lot.

Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone

I remember the night, the moment, the very second, the look and the tears when I shared this song with Tami.

Loneliness - Revisited

2009-08-09T22:30:00.003-05:00

Ok, I think maybe I might have mislead or not communicated well enough, imaging that :).

I have alot of good people to talk to, and many many people have made themselves available to me any time I need them, so many in fact I probably have people that think I am avoiding them. Sarah, had been amazing, and I am probably driving her nuts, or at the very least worrying her non stop (I think she is on to me, that I say I am ok no matter what is going on, I am always ok, cuz I don't want to burden anyone else, specially my family). So, its not so much that I don't have people near and dear, its that I dont have that one person. You can talk to a lot of people about alot of things, you can talk to one person about everything, and that person is gone for me. That leaves a huge void in my life, things I would have talked to her about, things I would have asked her opinion on, moments when she would have smacked me upside the head and told me to quit sweating the small stuff. I don't have that anymore. The fact that I found someone like that, based on the odds on how we met make me dizzy just thinking about it. We meshed like a couple puzzle pieces, although sometimes we got put together backwards :).

Next time your spouse goes away for a weekend, or a day, imagine its +5 months and they aren't coming back anytime soon. That's where I am right now, and we are closing in on 6 monts fast. Next weekend is all the August birthdays... its just overwhelming sometimes, and add in drama, frustration, life's general bumps and pot holes, and half the time I think I just wanna go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare. I have to keep reminding me the things that are still good in my life and focus on that. I hope I will be happy again, its just tough to see where to go to get there.

Loneliness

2009-08-03T23:07:00.004-05:00

Loneliness sucks let me tell you the last few days it has been eating me alive, I had been doing pretty good for awhile now, actually enjoying myself, going out, eating, watching a movie, whatever by myself. Then for whatever reason, about Thursday last week I got hammered, and still trying to pull myself out of this depressed funk, its horrible when it hits, I just want to curl inside up in the fetal position in the corner, or go to sleep and hope I don't wake up. I dread the weekends only to spend the last half of the weekends dreading going to work and the usual grind. I cant even describe what it feels like, and if you know what it feels like I feel bad for you. It's like carrying around a weight all day long, its, well, just horrible.

Even talking about it right now makes me cringe, I can feel it creep up on me even more, the radio will have to go on sleep timer tonight or I will be staring at the ceiling for 2 hours. I stood at Kristi's on the way home tonight just jabbering about nothing just cuz its a distraction, I guess I am missing the mindless conversation you have with someone your close with, and I just have nothing right now to fill that void, I can fill everything else, well almost everything but those nights just talking with Tami, gawd I miss that, I mean yeah I know I can talk right now, but nobody answers, its so frustrating. They need a chat line where I can just have someone ramble on about stuff, everyday stuff and I can just sit there and listen, yeah I know it sounds stupid, but I miss listening.

I guess I will have to settle for the distractions for now, bugging people around me, kicking my ass at the gym, sleeping... I dont know what else to do in these funks... I keep waking up, so not much else I can do.

Doesn't help I came to the realization that the 6 month mark of Tami's passing will also be the 2 year mark of her diagnosis, almost to the day... w.t.f...

5 months

2009-07-26T10:11:00.002-05:00

I dont know why, today though just seems like it has been so much longer than 5 months, I cant explain why really, it just does, it seems like a lifetime ago now, other days its like a fresh wound. Days like today I feel like I am farther along than I should be, like I shouldn't be doing so well. I've always been able to adapt to whatever my situation is, but it feels wrong to be adapting so fast to all this. But I am, and I feel a little bad about that. Oh I am still lonely, I miss having Tami here, I mean how do you not after 13+ years, we did almost everything together. Now I am adapting into this single person in the sense that I am ok doin my own thing and not having anyone dependant on what I am doing today.

I know this is what Tami wanted, expected and even groomed me for to a certain extent. The recordings she left say that very thing, but it doesn't feel natural yet it does... I dunno, confused as I am yet. Myabe just keeping myself busy and amuzed is moving things along faster, I dont have time to sit and feel sorry for myself. I've been going to the gym daily, playing hockey where I can, add work and general life and it makes for some busy days.

I know they say there is no one timeline for everyone but I just seem more okay than I should be, weird as that does sound.

Song for the day 3 Doors Down - The Road I'm On

Lazy days

2009-07-20T06:26:00.002-05:00

Was a pretty laid back weekend, nothing too exciting. Just going thru the motions really. I probably could have been busier than I was but what the heck, somedays you just gotta kick back. So I did. Don't have much more than that really, just kinda blah, no what I mean... maybe it was the cooler weather.

Race Weekend

2009-07-12T17:48:00.003-05:00

So this weekend was the NASCAR race at Chicagoland Speedway. Me and Tami started going to races some years back, the first time being a fathers day present from her to me, she ended up enjoying herself more than she thought she would, and the rest is history.

Friday is the Nationwide Series race among other on track activities. I went up myself on Friday, and actually it was kinda nice to go solo. One I could just wonder as I pleased, two I could just kinda take it all in without Tami there. Funny thing is the drive up it rained the whole way, and when I parked it continied to rain, and then about a half hour later the sun came out and was beutiful the rest of the day and night. I have been trying to take Tami's advice from some of her recordings, about moving forward, not letting her cancer take anymore life away anymore. So I have been, and it felt ok at the race this weekend, yeah I still feel guilty that I get to enjoy these things that she loved as well, but I know she would have been more hurt if I continued to dwell on the hell we went thru the last 2 years.

Saturday was the cup race, I went up with my borther-in-law Mike in his motorhome along with a couple people from work. That was a good time as well. The weather was beautiful once again, not too hot, no rain. I was all decked out in Kurt Busch gear, my driver had always been Mark Martin and he came out of retirement this year, but the last few years since he stepped away to a partial schedule I picked up Busch as he was Tami's favorite driver, I just felt like I had to wear the blue deuce colors again this year, so I did. I must mention as well, anytime I wear Mark Martin stuff he does poorly, so no Martin stuff on race day :)

I little over halfway into the race, off an excellent pitstop the 5 car came out in the lead, and continued to lead most of the race. Now on a personal level I haven't had much reason to believe in much, I guess a faith crisis if you want to label it. As we got closer to the end of the race I thought to myself, "Tami, if Martin wins this race, I will go to church tomorrow." Anyone that has followed NASCAR and specificly Martin at Chicagoland knows he generally runs well there but usually has late problems. Well this race was no different. On a restart Martin slide up the track in turn one falling to third behind Johnston and Vickers. I thought to myself, least I dont have to get up and go to church tomorrow.

Once again the caution flew, and we were poised for another restart, this time Vickers and Hamlin managed to muscle by Johnston and he fell way back, then not much longer Hamlin and Vickers touched and slide up the track and there was Martin, out front again and the rest is history, and I drug my butt to church this morning.

You can spin that how you want, Martin has been running good this year, he always has done well at Chicagoland, but all the races me and Tami went to, we never got to see our favorite driver win, and of all years, this year I get to see Martin win. Could be something, could be nothing, all I know is I made a promise last night and I thought I better keep it, I am sure Tami has enough to kick my butt for right now, I dont need to add to it.

Made it through another big day...

2009-07-05T22:09:00.002-05:00

Had a pretty good 4th this year, Debbie invited me up to Peoria to watch the fireworks from Spindler Marina. It was a good time, she has some colorful friends but it made it that much more fun. Of course I think I will be allowed to come back as I am good at moving dead weight late at night, right Deb?

Of course it wasn't the same as it was last year, or any years in the past, but then it probably will never be the same and the sooner I embrace that the better I will be I suppose. Some days I would just like to know what she would think, about how I am doin.

Of course, if I need to know how I am doin I have the next best thing, Sarah, my daughter. I went to Mankato a few weeks back and I had gone out with the people I went with and had a few beers. They were giving away glasses with the beers, so I went for a set of 6. I showed these glasses to Sarah the last time she was over and in what I can only describe as a Tami type tone she asked "Who did you go do that with?". You gotta love her, and its nice to have someone who cares about how I am doing, what I am doing and so on. Even today, I was a little sore from hockey on Friday, and I was moaning occasinally and such and she asked, yet again with a touch of Tami in her voice "Drink too much last night? Not that it's any of my business." Of course I hadn't but also told her of course it was her business, it makes me smile pretty big when she says stuff like that, I was so lucky to share Tami's life for 14 so years, let alone everything else I have taken from this journey.

So if anyone is worried about me, dont, Sarah is checking up on me. :)

Just another week...

2009-06-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

Pretty uneventful week this week, just went thru the normal motions, I did get to have Skylar spend the night and we went and saw a movie. It was a good time, of course when I was taking him home he was upset cuz he wanted to stay more, of course with his baseball schedule its next to impossible to get him one night let alone more.

I suppose I am doin ok, lonely, but what to do right.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T22:24:00.003-05:00

So Wednesday of last week I had to drive to the Department of Homeland Security's Immigration office to get finger printed for citizenship, you know I cant go anywhere new it seems, no I have never been to this office before but the trip took my right by the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. And of course I started thinking, that was the first NASCAR race me and Tami attended together, those tickets she bought me of course.... can you guess? Yup, a Fathers Day gift. And beyond that there was just alot of race trips and memories to go along with it all, lots of NASCAR, a Formula 1 race, and alot of good times. And I remeber the good times, but they still, at this point, make me sad. Yup, our 1st race, where I think Tami ended up enjoying it more than I did, and of course Indy was where Tami first decided that Kurt Busch was her driver after his altercation with Jimmy Spencer.
Friday was another fun day with Mckyala and Korbin, we got to swim, and of course Mckyala after a small bathroom break came running our from the house and jumped into the pool without her floaties, of course she popped right back up with her big eyes wide open. I asked her if she had forgotten anything, and then told her I think it would be ok if she swam without floaties and she was quite excited about that, Nana would be so proud of her. And not to be out done, Korban swam into the deep end with his floaties on, this was a big step for him as he preffered to swim with his arms wrapped tightly around my neck last year.
Sunday was a good day as well, Sarah and Josh came out and brought food for a cookout, and Sarah baked me some Chocolate Chip Cookies, they even cleans the kitchen afterwards. It was a nice day, and I still count my blessings as I dont know how I would get thru these past few months (almost 4 now) without Sarah. Fathers Day isn't about getting a day off or getting a cool gift, its about being proud of your kids and seeing who they have grown up to be, and maybe even patting yourself on the back a little because you might have had a little influence on that (the good and the bad ;) ).
I hope, even though I have just a lowly stepFather, that I have been a good one and that I have been atleast half as good as my own dad has been. That is a huge undertaking as he set the bar real high.
I hope everyone had a good day as well, even if your dad is no longer with you, I hope you remebered him and honored him.

As a personal side note, all you anonoymous comment makers, leave your name, I would love to know who is commenting :)

Home Sweet Home

2009-06-14T19:04:00.002-05:00

So I was up in Mankato, Minn for 3 days last week. Some training for work, really enjoyed the training and the new tools they showed us. It was nice to get away for a bit, it felt like I was just away from home and when I got back Tami would be waiting there, or I could call her and talk to her after training. Of course that wasn't possible, and even driving home I started to dread walking into the empty house... I mean besides the 2 dogs and a cat, but you know what I mean. Didn't help it was the same route home you take coming back from the Mayo Clinic, but dont get me started on that again.

Of course I didn't even think of the other downside to this little trip, I asked Sarah to come over and check on the dogs for me thru the week, which of course met she had to come over to the house with no one here. I think it was pretty tough on her, no I know it was, I mean I have had almost 4 months to get used to coming home to no Tami (not that I am used to it yet) and this house I think as been a little avoided by everyone which is a little sad to me, but I can understand, I mean if I had somewhere to go I know there would have been a couple days I wouldn't have come home just because everything in this house is Tami. I know, I know I can change stuff..... but not yet.

Anyways, I have a short week this week, I have to drive to Indy to get fingerprinted by the FBI! No worries people, its the next step in my bid for citizenship. I took Wednesday and Thursday off so I will see if I can motivate myself to do something around this house.

To go with the title of this entry here is the song of the week..... another Tami favorite....
Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home

To do or not to do....

2009-06-07T21:19:00.002-05:00

I have yet to decide what is harder, doing things I used to do with Tami without her, or doing new things that I never did with Tami. They both have their positives and negatives. Today I went to the NHRA races up in Joliet with Debbie and Mike, I hadn't been to this type of racing since I was probably 19ish, and I never went with Tami. It was pretty fun, and good racing, of course it just seems weird not having Tami there, things happen and you just know what Tami would say or do. Or what we would have done during the race might have been different had she been there.

Or like movies, I guess I started movie night, one to get out on my own, but also because it was never something Tami really cared to do, she liked movies, but was not real big on going and sitting in a theatre for 2 hours.

Doin things that me and Tami would do, well that is a whole other thing. I guess the bets way to describe this would be like trying to do something with only one arm. It doesn't feel natural, and you really miss that other part of you. That is probably the best way I can describe it, I have lost a part of me and doing things doesn't feel natural not to mention the guilt of doing things, OMG the guilt....

I cant tell you how guilty I felt holding that little baby on Tuesday knowing that Tami wasn't here to hold her. I know what everyone will say but the truth is I feel guilt and regret for so many things, I mean even as far back as when we first started talking. It's crazy, I know its crazy for the most part, but its a very real and somewhat deabilitating feeling. I can drive myself into a ball curled up on the couch with those thoughts somedays.

Anyways.. was an ok weekend, all be it rough at times, but then I dont think I have had a week go by yet that didn't have some bumps, and I dont forsee any coming up that wont have any.