No One Wants To Fight Me Like You Do

I Got A Love That Keeps Me Waiting

2012-01-04T21:05:00.000-05:00

And I sat at my desk, playing the same song over and over and wondered to myself why after every phone call I just felt like an idiot. Like my life was pathetic and insignificant in comparison.

Then I remembered that the greatest of friends are supposed to bring out the best in you, and it's funny because it's starting to become clear to me the difference between who brings out the best in me, and who brings out the real side of me.

I think I need a little of both, and I think you failed to bring out either side, really.

This Is Letting Go

2011-12-17T19:43:00.000-05:00

It's like this huge sore inside of me finally opened and I could feel it all sinking it. Whilst I had one of the worst weeks emotionally, paralleled with the thought that I was the only one suffering, stuck with two who hated me being there.

And I wonder why I allowed myself to feel this way, why I let myself become so weak and gave away my happiness. I shouldn't have done this to myself, I shouldn't have allowed anyone to control how I feel to this utter significance. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear any of it.

I've been foolish all along, holding steadfast to all the things I believed in - loyalty, true love, respect, honesty. I still believe in all of those things, but now just in a significantly different light and in different people.

So your demons and your nightmares can't haunt you if they can't reach you. So this chapter of my life needs to finally end, and I need to tuck this experience in the furthest corner of my mind from my forward conscious. So I'm not running away, I'm not hiding in the fields hoping to be coaxed out by loving words which are only lies. I am going to, for once in life, put myself first.

Because I feel like I've died, and I need to feel alive again.

Tammy Turns 20!

2011-11-22T00:18:00.001-05:00

This is an extremely late birthday post but on November 10th I finally turned 20! My actual birthday was quiet simply because it fell on a Thursday, however the following weekend I made a trip to Waterloo to see all my friends. We had dinner at Ennio's Pasta House and then Samer surprised me with a blueberry cheesecake!

My older brother took me out for lunch at The Pickle Barrel. I've never been terribly impressed with the food but their Triple Threat Sundae definitely satisfied my sweet tooth. It includes skor bits, oreo, biscotti, frozen yogurt, whipped cream, and caramel drizzle!

The following Tuesday Jordan took me out to see Lykke Li at The Sound Academy. We got some food at Mill Street Brewpub beforehand and decided that going their should be a tradition when going out for concerts. They've got a lot of different beers, and I always aim to try a new one when I'm there.

It's been a great November so far. I am definitely not looking forward to the following winter months, but at least now I can bundle up with a comfy sweater, a peppermint mocha and curl up to a good book.

Wipe The Mark Of Sadness From My Face

2011-11-20T21:33:00.001-05:00

Every part of me is bruised and poisoned. I can't look either way without seeing a wall I can't climb over. Reality, reality. I had let someone in my life, allowed every bit to fill in all the crevices of my being. Attached myself and breathed in what I believed to be a new part of who I was.

Then things turned sour and people got hurt. Too quickly I tried to put the past behind me, disregard my feelings and believe that if I thought straight, I would leave this hellish place I had once called home. Love. Happiness.

Then slowly I broke, as bits and pieces of me began to fleck off, until I was finally cracking open and falling apart in front of everyone. Admitting my worst fears, my deep sadness, my unrequited yearning.

And I feel repulsive in your wake. Insufficient and incompetent. The soft, comforting words of "don't ever change," feel like a distant memory. A lie, as do the I love you's, as do the I need you's. I'm squinting at you to try and find, to try and see me as you do. I can't see anything, and it's scaring me to death.

I'm heaving my shoulders and letting out cries because this now physically hurts. My world is no longer my own, but shared with and tainted by you. I want to break apart from this world and rebuild my life. It seems silly to run away, but I've been strong for too long and if something doesn't change, l may spiral downwards forever in denial.

I am still torn and divided, and this is eating me alive, kicking and screaming.

It's Time To Let Go Of Everything We Used To Know

2011-11-08T22:11:00.002-05:00

In my life, I can never leave loose ends. I can not accept the uncertainty, I can not move on, and I sure as hell can not dismiss things. Everything is big - to the point where my over thinking is downright obsessive. So be it.

Let's dive so deep so we can reach for all the answers we need.

I've been thoroughly unhappy with myself ever since I dropped out of university. I have been even more unhappy with every relationship that has come my way. It seems like I always just get too deep - and then I forget about myself and my life. I have a serious problem with putting my happiness first. I don't know what to do when I'm not caring for someone, or doing something for someone to make them happy. I am selfless to a serious fault.

I thought that if someone could love me that it would make me happy. But when it all boils down to it, I just needed to love myself, and I should never have wasted my time trying to find someone else to validate me.

Why do I struggle every day with depression? Why do I pick apart my appearance, my personality, everything little thing that makes me, me?

This whole time I've been punishing myself because I know that I am less than one stone away from being able to fit into my jeans from four years ago. Now I can't stop eating because one day I decided I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to feel full.

And once I felt full, my body never wanted to be hungry again.

Wisdom, Where Can I Get Some?

2011-10-30T22:31:00.001-04:00

Lately I've been feeling so restless because I've just been so confused. A lot of nights I go to bed and think about holding on so dearly to everything, all that we had and all the memories. Flipping through everything in my head brings a smile to my face, all the fun times that we have and all the reasons that I love you.

And then some nights I have to stop myself and remember to myself very importantly, "he's gone and he's never coming back." I should be smart enough to let go of us. We ended up broken for a reason, and there's no going back to what we had before.

Sometimes I get so angry with myself because I think I could have saved us. I could have fixed us somehow. Sometimes I get angry at you because I feel like you didn't even try and save us. Like what we had just wasn't worth your time anymore.

I want to know why people wake up and one day feel different. Where does it all go? What changes? How do I change it back?

This break up is changing me in ways I don't want it to. It's stripping me and forcing me to stand naked in front of all my flaws and insecurities. I want to transform myself into another person, someone more confident and resilient. I'm trying to go out and have fun but I don't remember any of the faces or the names of the boys I've kissed, and I still feel empty and alone.

It would be easier if you hated me and we weren't friends. Because then I could hate you too, and I could blame you for breaking us and just tell myself that men are jerks. I still care about you and even though you don't reveal anything about yourself to me, I know you still care too.

But tonight was a game changer. I had felt unsettled all day and I needed to talk to someone so badly, so I ventured out all the way to your house. There was so much I wanted to talk about but every single time I said something and you said something back, I felt like we weren't even on the same page. We weren't connecting, and maybe we never did in the way that we should have. You could never be there for me in the way that I needed you to be.

Tonight I showed you I was still vulnerable, and I left feeling even more so. I sat down on the steps by the side of your house and cried so hard because of this realization. I had no way to get home so I called a friend to pick me up on the street corner, the exact place where I had gotten picked up two months ago. It was dark out and there were no street lights and the cars were passing by me so quickly. I was walking with my keys in my hand, my head constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling broken again for the second time.

And I got angry thinking about how it was my fault too. How when you had made your decision I didn't fight for you. I should have fought for you. Instead I resigned and let you go. Partially because I never fought with you against any of your decisions; partially because I wanted to let you go too. Now I'm wondering why I ever thought that.

I'm so stupid because I should have realized it was all enough. We're both so stupid because we should have realized it. And we didn't. And we let each other walk away, and now it's too late.

Tomorrow is Halloween, and it would have been our one year. And if I see you, I'll have to swallow everything. I guess it's about time I start.

Take Me Lightly, I'm Not The Way I Ought To Be

2011-10-25T00:41:00.003-04:00

"Some people have no ambition, or they're just scared." I was talking to my brother and it's the conclusion that we ended up with, and it makes a lot of sense.

I'm in a good place. I know what I want, I'm enjoying my life, and I'm no longer blinded. I felt like before I was being pushed forward, but in all honesty I had already taken that first step. There are so many things that I want right now, and I'm feeling very, very hopeful.

I Break It Just Because I Can

2011-10-16T22:38:00.004-04:00

Have you ever loved someone so much that you got lost in them? You spent so much time invested in the relationship, too much, that you began to lose sight of who you are? I know I did.

We still care about each other, but we both know that it is impossible for one or the other to grow as individuals when we're so young and so attached at the hip. Honestly, underneath the smiles and butterflies I knew this all along. I knew I wanted to be alone, I knew I wanted to have time to become my own person, grow and make mistakes and continue to grow. I just didn't know that this desire would eventually grow so large that it would take over my world.

I think if we fast forwarded to five years, everything would have been perfect. But I suppose one of the biggest ironies of love is loving the right person, at the wrong time. Disappointed as I was at the time, now that I can hold my head up on my own I've realized that I have never been more content being single.

We still love each other, curious as that is to other people. But we don't want to be together, because we both know we're happier on our own. Love isn't possessive, and I'm not spending my days worrying about what if's.

This weekend I reconnected with some of my closest friends from high school, and I'm very glad I did. I expressed my worries about being stuck in this town, and just feeling stuck in life in general. They assured me I was better than that.

And that's all I ever wanted to know.

Bring 'Em All Back To Life

2011-10-10T16:20:00.003-04:00

Because I don't want to let go of something that I thought was a good thing. Because I hold onto things for far longer than I should, because I believe in people when I shouldn't. Because I can't help myself. Because I want to believe that there is hope.

Because I'm moving on and I know I can't go back.

I've completely lost my voice. Probably too much singing in the shower and smoking in my spare time is the culprit. I have never lost my voice before, and as pathetic as this sounds it kind of scares me. Speech is a powerful thing.

The thing about challenges is that I usually step down. I tell myself I can't do it and that it isn't worth doing. Well what I have found out this week is that both those things are totally wrong, and that I should stop running away. I'm always the one setting out goals and never accomplishing them. This week I accomplished all my goals (hence the burn out and sickness), but I feel good. And now I feel like I can take on more with my life.

There was so much unhappiness before brimming underneath the surface about how things should be done in my life, because nothing was going right. I didn't have a plan or any direction. Now I know what I want, and I suppose it may kill me to stay on this path. Despite seeking out advice in times of turmoil, I've almost never taken any of it to heart unless it agreed with how I felt. I guess I'm stubborn that way, but I guess I've also felt like no one knew me well enough to give me proper advice.

I know what I want now in my life, but I'm hoping that will change. I'm hoping everything will change and stay the same.

And I Know, I Know, I Know

2011-10-03T20:51:00.005-04:00

It's easier to tell myself I was never in love because it's easier to pretend like it was all a bad dream. But I've been lying and denying. Love feels different every single time, through and through.

And it's true, it will be a long time before I forget about all the things I love about you. It will be a long time before little things in life will trigger memories, until I feel like we are no longer connected. But one day the grass will be grass - I won't think of walks through the forest, hiking for hours and exploring hills or the view from your bedroom window. And when I smell wood smoke I won't think of all the fires, I won't think of the sun setting and I will forget about your orange sweater. I will forget.

This will be buried behind us.

My forgiveness is not a signal of defeat, or of an inferior and weak mind. My kindness to you is not an indication that I still want you in my life. I don't feel the need to hate you to "teach you a lesson," because it is not my responsibility to teach you anything in life. I owe you nothing.

You didn't ruin me, you didn't make me miserable, and I'm not pining this relationship on you as a failure. We did not fail.

I want to go through life and make as few enemies as possible, and not because I feel like I have to give a part of me away to everyone I meet so they'll accept me. I think a lot of you have me misunderstood. I'm not being easy.

I forgive because I love each and everyone one of you, all the memories, the conversations and the moments. I am so thankful to have you all in my life. In a time where I would reach around and feel nothing but the cold, now there are wonderful hands waiting to hold mine. To guide me.

I'm skipping over the bitterness because no one should feel bad anymore.

I love you.

You Are The Reason Why I Wait

2011-09-28T00:51:00.002-04:00

I made a big mistake. I thought I was different, and was going to do things my way, and that would be just fine. But it's not.

Every time, I'm given a false hope. A hope that is not there. And tonight I realized, that it doesn't matter how much you miss someone, or love someone, because sometimes that love just can't reach them. There's a wall you can't pierce through. You can long for brighter days from the past, relive through each memory and flip through all the photographs, but in the end you're exactly where you left off.

I have trouble accepting uncertainties. I feel the need to think over every detail in my head, fully embrace it. I feel the need to fix things. I feel like I can always fix things, or fix people. But this time, I need to learn that nothing can be fixed.

Our relationship is too damaged. Or maybe I'm too damaged - it's overwhelming. I feel cheated. I feel used. I feel the need to blame myself. To blame everyone else.

The thing about being a frequent traveller, is that when you really want to get away from things, you feel you need to go further and further across the globe. I don't want to push it. Some nights I wanted to run away. But in reality that's not what I really want. I just want to get out of my skin.

I want to move forward, finally.

It's Better To Burn Out, Than To Fade Away

2011-09-13T21:35:00.003-04:00

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed. New. I hadn't slept properly in over a month. I'd go to bed early only to stay up late lost in thoughts that would never get me anywhere. I would wake up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and still wondering. It was like I couldn't sleep because I had to be awake. My brain was still functioning even though my body wanted nothing of it. I felt like I was torturing myself.

But today felt different.

Here is what I've learned: there is no use worrying about things that you have no control over. I have also learned to become more in tune with my own feelings and the feelings of others, and because of this I am very deep when it comes to understanding situations.

I told myself I would never stop caring for people. I was afraid that if I became apathetic towards everything than I would lose my sensitivity to people. Thankfully, I have not changed, and will continue to hold this true to myself for as long as I can.

There is no one to blame, there is no resentment, and there is no remorse. Which is honestly surprising me more than anyone else. I thought I was in denial, but I know that if I was, I would have become weak and broke down by now.

In 48 hours I biked from Newmarket to Holland Landing on a broken bicycle, gears not shifting and tires flat. My Dad was at the hospital sick. My relationship with my boyfriend ended. I spent the night in Mt. Albert trying to put together all the pieces. Drove to Mississauga to see a friend and wasn't home until 4am. Went to work that morning. Helped my friend move back to Bradford.

I only slept 5 hours, but I had felt like I had just escaped - released from the constrains of something that I knew for the longest time wasn't right.

So I let myself be free.

The last string is this pile of belongings that are not mine, resting on my desk waiting to be given back. And once those are returned it'll be time to move forward, on my own.

I'll be getting my first tattoo this weekend.

When I'm On Will You Leave Me On?

2011-09-02T00:15:00.002-04:00

It's like all of a sudden you're sleepwalking through life. People are talking to you and their words can't reach you anymore. You're looking around and staring at all these familiar faces but you don't feel like you're in familiar places anymore.

I know I'm starting to feel bad again. Very bad again. I'm avoiding people, avoiding going out, and feeling generally unattached to everything. I feel like I've got to break everything, walk away and start anew. But I know that I won't feel any better after that either, because I've tried and failed.

I am surrounded by so much love, but why do I feel like none of that love can reach me now, reach me where I am and where I've put myself? And as time passes by I know things will only get worse the longer I try to stick it out. The longer I avoid dealing with all the things that are bothering me, the creeping suspicions, ill feelings and general irritability and instability.

There just needs to be a light that I can stand under. A sun so bright I can feel the warmth and the glow of it as my tears dry off and the pain melts under. It's only been a month, but I feel like a month is almost too much. I can barely handle it.

Every single time I start to stare off into the distance I'm seeing Fairy Lake, I'm seeing me running away and I'm seeing me in trouble.

I think I'm in trouble.

Edgefest 2011

2011-07-12T12:21:00.005-04:00

This past weekend I went to Edgefest 2011 at Downsview Park.

To be totally honest with you there weren't that many bands that interested me, but when I saw that Rise Against was headlining that was enough to lure me in. We arrived at Downsview Park around 3pm and walked around checking out the place. Some people wanted to go see the Arkells so we stood and watched a bit of the show before Jordan and I decided we'd leave and go get beer and merch. The lines were really short for both. Jordan snagged two t-shirts.

They're kind of wrinkled here because I tied them up around my bag. But if there is one piece of advice I can give to you concert-going ladies, it is this - cross bodies are saviours! They're big enough that you can throw in your wallet/phone/keys/valuables but small and light enough that you won't be annoying other people when you're in the crowd.

We made our way back into the crowd for Tokyo Police Club. I love these guys! This is the second time I've seen them (first time was with Two Door Cinema Club at the Kool Haus). Their songs are really short so at times it does feel like their sets are really long, but I'm not complaining.

Afterwards we went back out to grab more beer and some dinner. We hung out in the shade listening to The Weakerthans, refilled our water bottles and lined up for free popcorn at the Scene tent. The autograph tent was right beside us and we were standing right beside Dave Monks (lead singer of TPC)! I totally wanted a picture but was way too shy/felt dorky so I didn't ask but still. I was there. And so was he. And Jordan can confirm this story.

As The Weakerthans were playing their last song we made our way into the crowd again. We got super close to the stage because we really wanted to see A Perfect Circle, and judging by the reaction of the crowd so did everyone else. We stood beside this other cool couple where the chick was explaining to me that the secret was to stuff joints in your bra, and the dude smoked up Jordan. Fun stuff.

Thankfully we were standing close to the security rail because when A Perfect Circle started playing the mosh pit started to our left and we were getting shoved around. This is why you need to wear shoes and not sandals. Your feet will get stepped on and you will want to kill the assholes who are drunk and shoving through the crowds but at the same time you are super thankful that you're not that person who wore flip flops or sandals. Nevertheless, they sounded amazing! I'm not a long time fan like most of the crowd that day but I'm definitely going to make more of an effort to listen to them.

Waiting for Rise Against, we snagged a spot by the railing as people were leaving and lucky for us, because it was so hot I felt I could barely breathe. Turning to my left it was just the stench of melded bodies in summer heat and the dirt that was kicking around was ridiculous. I swear when I got home and showered there was just a layer of dirt on my face and body. Any who turning to my right there was nobody but security and press. While looking through photos on my camera someone's beer cup collided with my screen. And the security guard kicked a plastic beach ball and it skidded off my arm. It happens.

Rise Against came on and as expected, they sounded great. They played a good mix of songs from their new album and their older albums. They also performed "Swing Life Away," which made me super happy. I was really hoping they'd play "Midnight Hands," "This Is Letting Go," or "Injection," but whatever. By this time it was around 9pm, the sun had set and the sound was great, so it really didn't matter.

Afterwards we made our way back to the car and waited for the parking lot to empty. I had a massive headache from being completely dehydrated and out in the sun all day. We sat and listened to the radio for the traffic report and I took some painkillers and ate a lollipop to feel better. I didn't drink that day, which was why I was driving. Everyone else had had beers, and I had even gotten a wrist band and held people's beers for them (I'm so nice), but I didn't drink. Partly because I had minor surgery only a few days ago; partly because I never felt like I needed to drink during shows or concerts.

We got home in 30 minutes thanks to the roads being clear and slightly manic driving of mine, I showered, passed out and awoke the next morning to go to work.

Everything That Comes Together, Inevitably Falls Apart

2011-07-06T15:28:00.011-04:00

You told me so many important things when I broke it all down. You told me never to change who I am because you liked me how I was. You told me you never wanted to hear me say "I don't think I'm good enough for you." You just said don't.

You said you'd be loyal to me because I stuck with you through the worst. That the worst was over and I was the one to thank for that. That all you'd ever wanted was someone and this whole time, the one person you were waiting for was me. And it's funny because I don't feel like I was doing anything different. I really was just being true to what I believed in, despite the fact that everyone around me disagreed.

When it comes to people, I am easy and forgiving. I just ask myself why, and it all seems to unfold. It's not right to trick and twist peoples' emotions and abuse others, it never is. But I've been that person. And I wanted so badly for someone to give me a chance. Because I knew I wasn't bad, I knew I just needed a hand, and I knew that I needed someone to understand that.

I was in a long term relationship for over a year, and in a year like that you learn a lot. You learn what you can tolerate and can't tolerate, and also what behaviours of yours are intolerable. I look back and guiltily remember myself as being completely insufferable. I don't know why I did the things I did. I was at war with myself, and it transferred into a war between a loved one. And then he broke, and I was left to pick myself up.

I can be temperamental and unreasonably stubborn. I blame others, then I blame myself - in that order. I don't know how to stop it. I really wish I could just stop it.

But it feels better though, this time it feels right. I've held no grudges, and will continue not to. I feel like I can finally breathe.

And you know what? Everything feels so much clearer.

Minor Surgery

2011-07-06T10:03:00.002-04:00

*Note: Not for the faint hearted if you get squeamish about blood.

This morning I had minor surgery to remove a cyst that was growing on my head. It had formed, ruptured, formed and ruptured on multiple occasions. Finally after seeing a general practitioner, a dermatologist and then a plastic surgeon, I was able to get it removed today.

I arrived at the hospital around 7:40am and I thought I was going to just collapse inwards. My insides were squeezing. My dad opted not to come inside with me because he didn't want to pay for parking, so I signed in and waited by myself. And it was just memories that were making me anxious, as well as all the familiar things. The no-slam doors, nurses' running shoes. The colours. The smells. The same signs. After so many years I thought I'd forgotten all of it. But I could probably direct myself around the hospital just as well as I could before.

Then I got my wristband. "Oh great, another one," was all I thought. Afterwards changing into a night gown. They were explaining to me how to wear it when I'd already worn that exact one years before. It was the same all-over pattern. I'd worn so many of them that I knew which ones I liked and which ones I didn't. Which reminds me, I once got a gown that had long sleeves and pockets, which at the time I thought was a total score from the usual short sleeved, cold and drafty ones, but I digress.

I was constantly asked over and over again if I was okay. Why do they ask you that? Did I not look okay? I walked into the operating room and laid down on my side. They stuck a needle in my head to freeze the area, and I could feel it instantly entering all parts of my body. My heart rate shot up and I could feel my heart pounding so hard in my chest. They had to calm me down because I was shaking so much and I couldn't control it. I'm still not sure if that was normal.

Finally she began working on my head. I couldn't feel any pain, but I could hear her ripping into my skin, tugging at the cyst and stitching me up afterwards. When I sat up again there was a huge pool of blood on the pillow I had just been lying on.

When I got home I noticed my hair was still sticking in all directions so I went to wash out what I thought was just hydrogen peroxide. But to my surprise it was blood! My hair is just stuck together all over in a mess of dried blood that I'm not allowed to wash out until tomorrow morning. I'm supposed to remain sitting for the rest of the day but I was super tired. I propped two pillows on top of each other and leaning into it, I fell asleep for the next three hours. The freezing was starting to wear off and my head was throbbing.

For the rest of the day I get a free pass to be lazy and will completely utilize that time to eat more soup and corn on the cob. In about two weeks I have to go back to her office to have these stitches removed. I'm just happy that after finally so many months, I am head cyst free!

Canada Day 2011

2011-07-06T09:29:00.005-04:00

Happy Canada Day! I know I'm almost a week late on updating but better late than never right?

Jordan and I were busy during the morning booking our buses and trains for Chicago so we didn't end up going to Fairy Lake until about 3:30pm - when the festivities were mostly over. There was still hundreds of people there but the vendors were packing up and the shows had all been done. Total bummer. I need to plan my holidays better.

We met up with Stephanie and had lunch at Cachet. I love this restaurant. It's so cute and the food there is fantastic. Stephanie got the spinach & artichoke dip and crab cakes, Jordan got a chicken BBQ pizza and I got a lobster croissant. The portions are pretty small but everything is just cooked so well.

Afterwards we walked around for a little bit and sat down. We had fun taking a bunch of pictures and just being outside for the day. We also found a tree and tried to climb it. It took me a good hour or so before I was able to haul myself up there because the first branch was so high up. It's good to know that if I'm ever running away and I need to climb up a tree I probably won't be able to.

We went over to Bayview park afterwards to watch some fireworks. Now usually I don't really care about fireworks because I've seen so many displays already and frankly - they all look the same. But this year they actually came out with a couple new ones (or at least ones I hadn't seen before) and it was a pretty solid 20 minutes of explosions in the sky.

Break It In, Keep Us Safe

2011-06-28T21:13:00.004-04:00

What I never understood was this: how I could be so successful at all aspects of my life in terms of school, work and relationships and still have such disappointed parents. I gave up a long time ago trying to gain their approval and it pissed them right off. It didn't take me long to realize that you can take away their power when you stop looking to them.

I'm sick of dumb rules and false accusations. I don't even bother to talk to them about anything and they know better than to ask me about my life now. And if I weren't in such a tricky financial situation, I would pack all my things and move out west far away from everyone.

For the longest time I'd look in the mirror and just think that I was so ugly. I mean how ridiculous is that, that I let someone convince me that? And how afterwards everything that followed after was just a result of wanting people to just like me?

And you know I thought your current circle of friends was supposed to reflect your ego. I thought they'd be a reflection of who you are and what state of mind you're in. But I look at everyone and I can't help but wonder why I'm still unhappy after two years of being out of high school. Why do I continue to settle of mediocrity and stick around the negative people? I should have tossed you guys long ago. I don't need that negativity in my life anymore.

I just want a group of friends who I can relax with. Who are fun and make me happy and are always up to doing things with me. I want people who aren't so uptight or pressed for change and don't mind going out now and then but if we had to stay in that's cool too. I want them to be beautiful inside and out and I want nothing but mutual love and respect.

You wouldn't believe it but I was actually in a good mood today. I had a meeting and went to work and I was actually praised for what I managed to accomplish. And then I go home and there's just always someone there who wants to knock me down a peg.

It's fucking unnecessary. There's no need.

I'll Take You In Pieces, We Can Take It All Apart

2011-06-27T00:25:00.005-04:00

I told myself that I would never do it again, and then I did. Trying to the find the line between weak acceptance and simmering rage has been an issue.

I am better than that - I told myself a million times.

Yet I'm still questioning how I feel.

-------------------

I went camping this weekend for the first time. It rained for most of the weekend and our tent got soaked as did the things inside it. It really did suck going to bed with damp blankets, and to make it worse I got eaten alive by the mosquitoes (and I'm allergic). We did go on a nice hike to the beach though, and roasted lots of marshmallows and hotdogs by the fire.

I've Never Felt So Alive And So Dead

2011-06-22T23:10:00.003-04:00

Sneak preview of a painting I've been working on! It's still in very rough stages but I'm just so happy to be working on something again. To be totally honest with you I've been neglecting my artwork because I've basically just been sleepwalking through my days. Lately my life has been feeling a little aimless but I'm hoping that if I get more in touch with my work that my attitude will pick up.

I'm finally starting to get a better idea of who I am and what I want. It upsets me that it took me so long to realize it but I guess I needed to push myself into that state of nothing. I really needed the time to shake off the bad feelings and the bad people and just focus on myself. That's always the hardest thing for me to do.

This week has been such a roller coaster. It started off incredibly high - I got a new job doing something I loved for once. It was absolutely amazing the feeling I got driving to the interview and getting that phone call back. It all happened so fast. In about three hours fast to be exact. And the more I worked the more I just loved it. I felt so comfortable in the environment (which is unusual because for the most part I'm always a bag of nerves) and it was just so humbling to start a new job and to actually feel challenged. I was high off good feelings for two days.

But now it's day three and I've crashed. I couldn't keep the job because the commute was ridiculously long. I feel like I've let so many people but most of all I feel like I let myself down. I still don't know if I made the right choice and when I look back at my life I get really exhausted because that's all I ever think. About the choices I made and wonder if any of it was the right choice.

However I do know this. Yes, my life has been a HUGE mess. And yes, I'm impulsive as f**k. I jump into things headfirst - no questions asked, get hurt and fall down later.

But I am so much stronger now! I feel like I have become so much more resilient, so much more tougher and I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I will get there. I'm not where I want to be, but I will get there, and I won't settle or stop until I do.

One Of These Days The Sky's Gonna Break And Everything Will Escape And I'll Know

2011-05-14T00:21:00.005-04:00

Catch a wave.

And tell me I'm amazing. And tell me that we don't need to grow apart for my life to start.

So many things are circling through my mind, but so many things are clinging to the foreground. I am not who I used to be. In some ways, that's great. In others - it's despicable.

I've been avoiding cleaning out my closet for numerous reasons, but I finally did. I filled my chest with air and plunged in.

I wanted to die.

I laid in bed the other night and finally let my mind wander, and it was frightening how vividly I could recall things.

Then I remembered that nothing's changed. It's funny how I keep forgetting that simple, but powerful fact.

When I'm On Will You Leave Me On?

2011-05-12T01:56:00.000-04:00

"After high school I have a couple plans lined up. There's my grad trip which will be camping in Algonquin Park with a couple of my closest friends. Which will be totally awesome because we're all artsy chic and will spend a good couple of days and nights painting, drawing, swimming, hiking and roasting marshmallows. After that though I plan on visiting either Paris, France or Rome, Italy to see the art galleries and main attractions. I really want to see the Eiffel Tower and Colosseum. My friend already agreed on coming with me so that's also been set."

22 august 2008 @ 10:53 am

This blog is from one of my old LJ days. And it's funny and sad because I don't even remember yearning for any of these things. I never went to Algonquin Park or any of those countries. And I don't remember which friend agreed to go to all those things with me. I really don't.

I've been feeling unattached and uninspired. I've been feeling stable, and I wonder if this sounds crazy, but I think that when I was actually crazy I was more myself. Everything I felt was so real, it was out of this world. Emotions would rivet through me and shake my bones, rattle even. I did so many stupid things, but I just did what I felt. I was so sad, the lows were ridiculously low. But the highs were amazing. Enough to stop me and allow me to admire the simply things in life. Like how after a good cry the sun shone on my face and dried all my tears, and the sky was just so blue, and the air was just so clear. And I could feel the feeling in my throat, but I brushed it away and hoped that tomorrow would just be.

Nowadays I've become more mature. I love and forgive easily. I'm more patient, more understanding, and definitely a lot more passive. In the past almost everything bothered me - but it was fuel and contrast and reason for a greater feeling that was to come along later on. Who am I now? I am boring. I feel boring. I feel like I've been trying to extricate, to release something within me but that there's nothing there anymore. Medicated to the point of oblivion, and then just gone. Where did I go? Can I come back?

I had more fun, when I didn't understand. When everything wasn't a fact or an absolute, it was a maybe. It was an open ended statement or question. I just wrapped myself in my blanket of uncertainty and breathed out. I could breathe.

I'm not happy now. I want to lie and say I am happy, but I'm not. I'm searching for something that is greater and higher than anything I've ever been able to attain before, and for once I don't even have a clue as to what it is or where it lies, what to do and where I need to go.

Feel It.

2011-05-07T09:26:00.003-04:00

I threw a surprise birthday bonfire for Jordan last week and it was a huge success! As soon as my exams were finished I immediately started planning this and it took a lot of work to say the least.

To start, at work when I was on break I took his phone from his locker and copied his best friend's and brother's number. I started talking to his parents when he was in the shower at home and through email. There was a scuffle about whether it should be done in the backyard or somewhere else, and then there were major complications with the rainy weather all week and the UFC fight conflicting on that same night. All in all though the actual day went by smoothly, everyone did everything they could to help out and it was really fun.

I'm so excited for summer! I've got so many things planned, which includes:

- May 31st-June 2nd: Trip to New Orleans for Grandpa's birthday

- June 24-27: Camping for the first time in my life! (Wish me luck, hah).

- July 9: Edgefest 2011! Rise Against, A Perfect Circle, Tokyo Police Club etc.

- Aug-5-7: Lollapalooza! Probably what I'm most excited for, I absolutely adore Chicago!

I've got a job interview on Monday for a full time job in Vaughan, and I'm going to apply to a couple other places too. If I can't get full time hours at my job, I'm going to work two part time jobs. I've got more than a year to kill and a lot of money I need to save up.

I Can't Stop Now, I've Got Troubles Of My Own

2011-04-25T00:26:00.004-04:00

This past Easter weekend has been pretty fun. Here was mine in a wrap:

Good Friday - Gave Jordan his giant kinder surprise egg. The toy turned out to be a couple boats! Had fish for dinner that night with my family.

Saturday & Sunday - Jordan and I chopped wood, went for a walk in the forest behind his house and had a fire with a couple friends. I slept over and we spent the next day just relaxing.

I Walked Across An Empty Land, I Knew The Pathway Like The Back Of My Hand

2011-04-03T10:49:00.002-04:00

Don't ever believe that anyone should love you to fill the void in your heart. There are no saviours, no wondrous knights to sweep in and turn gold to every thing that you thought was too poor, too gross and too despicable. There is only you.

Sometimes I need to take time and step away from everything. I'm swaying back and forth when I should have just said no to begin with.

Maybe I took a wrong approach.

Or maybe I just find your lack of faith in me disheartening.